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Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook
Practical exercises exploring the role of consent in confronting power structures in day-to-day life.
What does “consent culture” mean to you? Navigating the complex, never-ending work of culture change can be overwhelming at times. Whether you’re exploring what consent means in your personal life or as part of your work in the world, Ask Yourself guides you through the introspection necessary for lasting change. In Building Consent Culture , consent culture activist Kitty Stryker compiled a diverse collection of essays from people working on questions of how to build a culture of consent in our everyday world. This timely and practical companion workbook invites you to take a journey through your own thoughts on consent and consider how you can help build consent culture. Ask Yourself guides you through a structured exploration with prompts for 28 days of journaling, conversations, and other work. The prompts are split into four sections on distinct themes that allow you to explore consent at your own pace and in your own way. This thoughtful book also features short contributions from consent culture activists to help inspire reflection.
What does “consent culture” mean to you? Navigating the complex, never-ending work of culture change can be overwhelming at times. Whether you’re exploring what consent means in your personal life or as part of your work in the world, Ask Yourself guides you through the introspection necessary for lasting change. In Building Consent Culture , consent culture activist Kitty Stryker compiled a diverse collection of essays from people working on questions of how to build a culture of consent in our everyday world. This timely and practical companion workbook invites you to take a journey through your own thoughts on consent and consider how you can help build consent culture. Ask Yourself guides you through a structured exploration with prompts for 28 days of journaling, conversations, and other work. The prompts are split into four sections on distinct themes that allow you to explore consent at your own pace and in your own way. This thoughtful book also features short contributions from consent culture activists to help inspire reflection.
- GenresNonfiction
16 pages, Paperback
Published June 2, 2023
4 people are currently reading
70 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
April 17, 2023
I'm not a huge "workbook" person. Maybe it's because the last workbook I used was for a "purity culture" class in high school, maybe it's because I have a hard time completing journals, projects, workbooks, you name it. So when I started reading Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook, I decided to just read through the whole thing to get an idea of what the content and prompts would be, and then go back through and re-read each chapter and complete the prompts, using it as an actual workbook. I mention this because it's probably a non-traditional way to use a workbook, and yet I still found this book INCREDIBLY helpful.
One of the biggest strengths of the book is that Stryker mentions at the beginning of the book that she doesn't consider herself to have all the answers, and instead of just disclaiming that and moving on, she follows through with that thread by having lots of other voices and experiences contributing to each chapter. Each chapter presents itself not as definitive answers, but instead has the same vibe as when you get together with a group of friends and the conversation gets deep. People present their ideas and experiences, and you're invited to share yours as well.
I also appreciated that the workbook asks hard questions, questions that ask you to consider not only ways in which your consent has been violated, but also to consider ways in which you have violated the consent of others. The book is disarmingly honest and unflinching, but without being harsh. Stryker acknowledges the hard work being done by the reader, giving time within the prompts to be gentle with yourself as you think on the prompts for certain chapters.
As someone who struggles with workbooks, I appreciate that there's a suggestion to take 4 weeks to complete the prompts, doing one chapter each day, but just as often reiterates that this is a suggestion, and really people can use the book however they like. It's a small thing, but it encouraged me to work on the book at my own pace.
It's clear that Stryker has a lot of experience working in community with people in many different circumstances. She mentions organizing sex clubs, being a street medic, and playing TTRPGs (even quoting a line from my personal favorite D&D podcast in one of the chapter headings). Despite "consent" being something most people associate with it's implications for sexual activity, consent culture is about much more than that, and this workbook would be, in my opinion, extremely useful to anyone who is interested in caring for themselves and their community as best they can.
I think the passage the gets across the spirit of Ask Yourself best, comes pretty early on. Stryker writes: "It may feel intimidating that there isn't one right answer to these questions. It's scary to sit with the idea that we have probably crossed a boundary somewhere in our lives before, and we likely will again. But how exciting to be humble in that knowledge, to accept our fallibility and, instead of succumbing to despair and apathy, to want to strive to get as close to 100% consent as possible. How thrilling to seek to hurt each other (and ourselves) less!"
I was given an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
One of the biggest strengths of the book is that Stryker mentions at the beginning of the book that she doesn't consider herself to have all the answers, and instead of just disclaiming that and moving on, she follows through with that thread by having lots of other voices and experiences contributing to each chapter. Each chapter presents itself not as definitive answers, but instead has the same vibe as when you get together with a group of friends and the conversation gets deep. People present their ideas and experiences, and you're invited to share yours as well.
I also appreciated that the workbook asks hard questions, questions that ask you to consider not only ways in which your consent has been violated, but also to consider ways in which you have violated the consent of others. The book is disarmingly honest and unflinching, but without being harsh. Stryker acknowledges the hard work being done by the reader, giving time within the prompts to be gentle with yourself as you think on the prompts for certain chapters.
As someone who struggles with workbooks, I appreciate that there's a suggestion to take 4 weeks to complete the prompts, doing one chapter each day, but just as often reiterates that this is a suggestion, and really people can use the book however they like. It's a small thing, but it encouraged me to work on the book at my own pace.
It's clear that Stryker has a lot of experience working in community with people in many different circumstances. She mentions organizing sex clubs, being a street medic, and playing TTRPGs (even quoting a line from my personal favorite D&D podcast in one of the chapter headings). Despite "consent" being something most people associate with it's implications for sexual activity, consent culture is about much more than that, and this workbook would be, in my opinion, extremely useful to anyone who is interested in caring for themselves and their community as best they can.
I think the passage the gets across the spirit of Ask Yourself best, comes pretty early on. Stryker writes: "It may feel intimidating that there isn't one right answer to these questions. It's scary to sit with the idea that we have probably crossed a boundary somewhere in our lives before, and we likely will again. But how exciting to be humble in that knowledge, to accept our fallibility and, instead of succumbing to despair and apathy, to want to strive to get as close to 100% consent as possible. How thrilling to seek to hurt each other (and ourselves) less!"
I was given an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
May 23, 2023
I really enjoyed this workbook, and found it an insightful and nuanced jumping-off point for discussing consent in *all* my relationships. I think it's something I'll return to and refer to periodically, as my own understanding and relationships continue to evolve, and I love that the open-ended framework that's more questions than answers allows for that.
Some of the nuances I really appreciated in Kitty's writing:
- Kitty's emphasis on 'not having all the answers', and how that's demonstrated by the excerpts from different contributors that often contradict one another in where they've settled on an issue/question.
- Kitty's framing of consent as not just sexual or interpersonal, but ALWAYS grounded in systems of power, meaning we can never achieve "true/total" consent but CAN be mindful of the systems operating on/through us.
- The space the workbook allowed for pain & healing around the times you've just "not felt able to say no" or realized you changed your mind halfway through something, or just really *wanted* to enjoy something even if you didn't, and the guilt that comes with that as a 'consent is sexy' kinky person -- and how ill-equipped we as communities often are to navigate that in helpful ways.
- Inviting us to consider limits & boundaries as 'challenge' vs 'injury' -- when is it helpful to "push outside our comfort zone" versus when would it be harmful?
- How conversations around consent often skip over the complexities of the victim/abuser labels, and is often used as a "fear to avoid violation" like a boogeyman, rather than something positive to be centered.
- I LOVED the much-neglected space for discussion of understanding and processing rejection & the feelings that might come up for you when you receive a "no", and how to hold space for that without detracting from how crucial consent remains.
- Several catchy easy-to-remember summaries for framing conversations that I want to use in my own relationships - like "do you want a soap box, a tissue box, or a toolbox?"
- I really valued the discussion about community accountability - and how intentional and curated that has to be. What does trusting people to hold you accountable, and being held accountable, look like? And Kitty's suggestions for ways to concrete-ize that (e.g. step back from positions of power for a while to focus on your internal work). How can you mend what you broke? How can we, as a community, keep an eye out for red flags?
- Throughout, Kitty was humble and real wrt her own experiences and where she's fallen short or struggled, not passing herself off as the expert or "finished". And that allowed space for me to do the same in the suggested exercises/journal questions.
I'd definitely recommend anyone read it: it's a good grounding point, and flexible enough, to accommodate and prompt you to think more deeply whether this is an entirely new topic for you, or you've been thinking around this already for years.
Note: I got an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Some of the nuances I really appreciated in Kitty's writing:
- Kitty's emphasis on 'not having all the answers', and how that's demonstrated by the excerpts from different contributors that often contradict one another in where they've settled on an issue/question.
- Kitty's framing of consent as not just sexual or interpersonal, but ALWAYS grounded in systems of power, meaning we can never achieve "true/total" consent but CAN be mindful of the systems operating on/through us.
- The space the workbook allowed for pain & healing around the times you've just "not felt able to say no" or realized you changed your mind halfway through something, or just really *wanted* to enjoy something even if you didn't, and the guilt that comes with that as a 'consent is sexy' kinky person -- and how ill-equipped we as communities often are to navigate that in helpful ways.
- Inviting us to consider limits & boundaries as 'challenge' vs 'injury' -- when is it helpful to "push outside our comfort zone" versus when would it be harmful?
- How conversations around consent often skip over the complexities of the victim/abuser labels, and is often used as a "fear to avoid violation" like a boogeyman, rather than something positive to be centered.
- I LOVED the much-neglected space for discussion of understanding and processing rejection & the feelings that might come up for you when you receive a "no", and how to hold space for that without detracting from how crucial consent remains.
- Several catchy easy-to-remember summaries for framing conversations that I want to use in my own relationships - like "do you want a soap box, a tissue box, or a toolbox?"
- I really valued the discussion about community accountability - and how intentional and curated that has to be. What does trusting people to hold you accountable, and being held accountable, look like? And Kitty's suggestions for ways to concrete-ize that (e.g. step back from positions of power for a while to focus on your internal work). How can you mend what you broke? How can we, as a community, keep an eye out for red flags?
- Throughout, Kitty was humble and real wrt her own experiences and where she's fallen short or struggled, not passing herself off as the expert or "finished". And that allowed space for me to do the same in the suggested exercises/journal questions.
I'd definitely recommend anyone read it: it's a good grounding point, and flexible enough, to accommodate and prompt you to think more deeply whether this is an entirely new topic for you, or you've been thinking around this already for years.
Note: I got an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
July 13, 2023
[Disclaimer: I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for my honest & unbiased review.]
I feel like I should let it be known that I did not spend as much time on this book as I could/should have. Rather, in an effort to get my review written, I decided not to explore it as the workbook it is intended to be. As a reader, this did leave me with some degree of detachment. And yet…it was still impactful.
The fact that I did not utilize this book to its full potential but still benefitted from reading it is a true testament to how thoughtfully it was created. The fact that I would like to revisit the workbook when I have more time/energy for reflection and journaling is an even bigger testament - as I rarely revisit any books after I have read them once.
Stryker did a fantastic job of creating a workbook that is accessible and interesting, no matter one’s experience with consent culture & education. The book really succeeds at expanding the conversation beyond sex; turning consent into a way of life for all interactions, big or small. It asks you to truthfully examine areas where you can improve. And it does so by prompting reflections both micro- and macroscopic: how you engage with yourself, your interpersonal relationships, and your broader community.
Interspersed throughout are personal stories (from Stryker and other individuals). Through this, the book offers insight into the history of consent culture & advocacy. It also provides little bits of theory, like Betty Martin's fascinating four-quadrant model. And it asks uncomfortable questions, like does consent always need to be enthusiastic? Or can it simply be “engaged?” The workbook dives deep for a truly nuanced study of consent - which I am so happy to finally see in more recent mainstream writings on the topic.
Overall, I am happy to have read through this book. It has given me a lot to continue thinking about - along with a few additional resources that seem intriguing to pursue. It’s also convinced me that I definitely need to pick up the companion book “Ask: Building Consent Culture” (which has embarassingly been on my TBR since it came out in 2017).
I feel like I should let it be known that I did not spend as much time on this book as I could/should have. Rather, in an effort to get my review written, I decided not to explore it as the workbook it is intended to be. As a reader, this did leave me with some degree of detachment. And yet…it was still impactful.
The fact that I did not utilize this book to its full potential but still benefitted from reading it is a true testament to how thoughtfully it was created. The fact that I would like to revisit the workbook when I have more time/energy for reflection and journaling is an even bigger testament - as I rarely revisit any books after I have read them once.
Stryker did a fantastic job of creating a workbook that is accessible and interesting, no matter one’s experience with consent culture & education. The book really succeeds at expanding the conversation beyond sex; turning consent into a way of life for all interactions, big or small. It asks you to truthfully examine areas where you can improve. And it does so by prompting reflections both micro- and macroscopic: how you engage with yourself, your interpersonal relationships, and your broader community.
Interspersed throughout are personal stories (from Stryker and other individuals). Through this, the book offers insight into the history of consent culture & advocacy. It also provides little bits of theory, like Betty Martin's fascinating four-quadrant model. And it asks uncomfortable questions, like does consent always need to be enthusiastic? Or can it simply be “engaged?” The workbook dives deep for a truly nuanced study of consent - which I am so happy to finally see in more recent mainstream writings on the topic.
Overall, I am happy to have read through this book. It has given me a lot to continue thinking about - along with a few additional resources that seem intriguing to pursue. It’s also convinced me that I definitely need to pick up the companion book “Ask: Building Consent Culture” (which has embarassingly been on my TBR since it came out in 2017).
March 28, 2023
I am so impressed by Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook. Kitty Stryker is a clear expert and long-time activist bringing consent culture to community spaces. Stryker and the other experts featured in this book share their experiences and perspectives on how consent can be sometimes challenging, awkward, or confusing, but also crucial for the safety, well-being, and enjoyment of interacting with others.
I loved this workbook even though I generally don't like workbooks (too much interaction, I'd rather just read). It includes enough deep and detailed content to keep me thinking about it for weeks. The questions to reflect on were meaningful and felt important to consider.
The book covers not just consent in sexual situations, but in general - including hugging, agreeing to do tasks, within kink spaces, and many other circumstances.
I appreciated that this workbook acknowledged situations that are confusing in terms of consent, which can lead to harmful outcomes but not caused by a malicious intent. Obviously, something should be improved in such a situation but this can be a time to call out or call in community members who are open to doing the work to improve themselves rather than an all-or-nothing banning a person from a group.
A few of my favorite points from the workbook:
* Citing the phrase "engaged consent" rather than "enthusiastic consent" - this resonated so much for me. You don't have to be enthusiastic about something to think it's a good idea to proceed.
* Can we really, completely consent in a patriarchal, capitalist society?
* It's important to self-reflect on how we can make our interactions and community more consensual, not just once but as an ongoing practice.
I highly recommend this workbook to anyone looking to improve their relationship skills or community-building ability. We could all benefit from taking a deep dive into consent - I certainly did.
I loved this workbook even though I generally don't like workbooks (too much interaction, I'd rather just read). It includes enough deep and detailed content to keep me thinking about it for weeks. The questions to reflect on were meaningful and felt important to consider.
The book covers not just consent in sexual situations, but in general - including hugging, agreeing to do tasks, within kink spaces, and many other circumstances.
I appreciated that this workbook acknowledged situations that are confusing in terms of consent, which can lead to harmful outcomes but not caused by a malicious intent. Obviously, something should be improved in such a situation but this can be a time to call out or call in community members who are open to doing the work to improve themselves rather than an all-or-nothing banning a person from a group.
A few of my favorite points from the workbook:
* Citing the phrase "engaged consent" rather than "enthusiastic consent" - this resonated so much for me. You don't have to be enthusiastic about something to think it's a good idea to proceed.
* Can we really, completely consent in a patriarchal, capitalist society?
* It's important to self-reflect on how we can make our interactions and community more consensual, not just once but as an ongoing practice.
I highly recommend this workbook to anyone looking to improve their relationship skills or community-building ability. We could all benefit from taking a deep dive into consent - I certainly did.
June 3, 2023
I did not read this book as suggested. But that's okay, because this book also suggests you read it however works best for you.
This book is organized into four weeks of daily prompts, including space for you, the reader, to journal to these prompts. Being the person who I am, I ripped through the entire book over the course of a few sittings without journalling at all. Do I want to come back and do it the "right" way? Absolutely. But even on my first speedrun, I've already picked up ideas that I feel are going to be tremendous tools for me going forward. Not only do I want to revisit this book, I want to do it with friends. (If you see anyone on a niche forum board suggesting this as a book club read, hey, say hi.)
The personal anecdotes provided by Stryker and others provide very concrete and helpful ways to tie the insights in this book into actual life. The journalling prompts go further, encouraging readers to tie these insights into our OWN actual lives. If I had to cite one gripe with this book, it would be that (at least in my copy), the amount of blank space provided for each prompt is not consistent. Still, that's easily enough solved with loose-leaf paper or an outside notebook.
All in all, Ask Yourself provides an interesting and necessary perspective on what we can reach for in our relationships with each other, our communities, and ourselves. I'm excited to revisit it, with or without friends.
I was provided an ARC in exchange for an honest review of this book.
This book is organized into four weeks of daily prompts, including space for you, the reader, to journal to these prompts. Being the person who I am, I ripped through the entire book over the course of a few sittings without journalling at all. Do I want to come back and do it the "right" way? Absolutely. But even on my first speedrun, I've already picked up ideas that I feel are going to be tremendous tools for me going forward. Not only do I want to revisit this book, I want to do it with friends. (If you see anyone on a niche forum board suggesting this as a book club read, hey, say hi.)
The personal anecdotes provided by Stryker and others provide very concrete and helpful ways to tie the insights in this book into actual life. The journalling prompts go further, encouraging readers to tie these insights into our OWN actual lives. If I had to cite one gripe with this book, it would be that (at least in my copy), the amount of blank space provided for each prompt is not consistent. Still, that's easily enough solved with loose-leaf paper or an outside notebook.
All in all, Ask Yourself provides an interesting and necessary perspective on what we can reach for in our relationships with each other, our communities, and ourselves. I'm excited to revisit it, with or without friends.
I was provided an ARC in exchange for an honest review of this book.
January 29, 2023
Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook by Kitty Stryker reads like having a conversation with an expert on healthy relationships, not solely sexual ones. Kitty Stryker is the creator of Kinky Salon London and a feminist who uses a power-conscious analysis when discussing consent.
This workbook exceeded my expectations with the broad scope of information presented in the text, the global perspectives considered from beyond US culture, and the books, essays, and podcasts shared at the end. Stryker writes that by respecting our individual and collective differences we can become more connected to one another. She writes that oppression thrives on our disconnection to each other and to self so she created this workbook as a guide to help us consider important questions about how we define terms, set boundaries, and understand consent. She wrote this workbook full of insights, prompts, and questions to help us come up with our own conclusions and solutions that best fit the context of our lives and the communities we are a part of.
The book is broken down into the following sections:
Week One: Our internal beliefs
Week Two: Our relationship to loved ones
Week Three: Our relationship to our community
Week Four: Self-reflection
Consent is such a nuanced term and we all understand what it means differently based on our own intersectional identities. Stryker does a phenomenal job of asking the right questions of us so that we can get clear with self and in turn build a culture of consent in our daily lives and relationships.
Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!
This workbook exceeded my expectations with the broad scope of information presented in the text, the global perspectives considered from beyond US culture, and the books, essays, and podcasts shared at the end. Stryker writes that by respecting our individual and collective differences we can become more connected to one another. She writes that oppression thrives on our disconnection to each other and to self so she created this workbook as a guide to help us consider important questions about how we define terms, set boundaries, and understand consent. She wrote this workbook full of insights, prompts, and questions to help us come up with our own conclusions and solutions that best fit the context of our lives and the communities we are a part of.
The book is broken down into the following sections:
Week One: Our internal beliefs
Week Two: Our relationship to loved ones
Week Three: Our relationship to our community
Week Four: Self-reflection
Consent is such a nuanced term and we all understand what it means differently based on our own intersectional identities. Stryker does a phenomenal job of asking the right questions of us so that we can get clear with self and in turn build a culture of consent in our daily lives and relationships.
Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!
June 3, 2023
Considero que este tipo de libro debería ser traducido a todos los idiomas posibles y ser leído por todos. TO-DOS.
Es uno de esos libros que si bien uno termina de leer, lo deja a mano porque constantemente vuelve sobre él y busca cierta referencia, vuelve a leer cierto párrafo.
No es de esos libros que uno puede leer de manera rápida (al menos yo) porque tiene tanta información y tantas cosas para asimilar, reflexionar y volver a pensar que no se puede pasar de una página a la otra como si nada.
Son lecturas que te cambian, que te abren la cabeza, que te hacen PENSAR. Y muchas veces esas lecturas no son las más populares, lamentablemente.
Me encantaría que libro así no existieran. Pero en el mundo en el que estamos, con esta sociedad que nos hace luchar día a día por lo más mínimo... son necesarios. Y me alegra que haya personas que se animen a expresar, a hacer pensar, a invitarnos a cuestionarnos todo lo que nos rodea.
Gracias NetGalley y Hazel Boydell por el ARC a cambio de una reseña honesta.
Es uno de esos libros que si bien uno termina de leer, lo deja a mano porque constantemente vuelve sobre él y busca cierta referencia, vuelve a leer cierto párrafo.
No es de esos libros que uno puede leer de manera rápida (al menos yo) porque tiene tanta información y tantas cosas para asimilar, reflexionar y volver a pensar que no se puede pasar de una página a la otra como si nada.
Son lecturas que te cambian, que te abren la cabeza, que te hacen PENSAR. Y muchas veces esas lecturas no son las más populares, lamentablemente.
Me encantaría que libro así no existieran. Pero en el mundo en el que estamos, con esta sociedad que nos hace luchar día a día por lo más mínimo... son necesarios. Y me alegra que haya personas que se animen a expresar, a hacer pensar, a invitarnos a cuestionarnos todo lo que nos rodea.
Gracias NetGalley y Hazel Boydell por el ARC a cambio de una reseña honesta.
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February 13, 2025I'm sure it's user error but since I write reviews for my own reference I gotta say this was very confusing and non-helpful for my autistic brain. I think it's mostly focusing on like, sex act preferences, when it gives the question prompts. This is fine but irrelevant for me.
Absolutely amazing that the publisher has a free book shelf outside their store. That's where I picked this up. I will be passing it along thru another free library spot, and hope someone gets more out of it than I did.
Absolutely amazing that the publisher has a free book shelf outside their store. That's where I picked this up. I will be passing it along thru another free library spot, and hope someone gets more out of it than I did.
July 4, 2023
This book is a valuable resource for translation and reading in all languages, with thought-provoking content that can transform the reader's perspective. Despite not being the most popular, books like this promote critical thinking, which is essential in today's society. Fortunately, there are authors who encourage us to question the world around us, and this book is a great example.
September 9, 2024
This is an interactive, follow up book to Ask: Building Consent Culture. The workbook engages readers through exercises, reflections, discussions and prompts. With plenty of open, generous and vulnerable personal reflections from Kitty, this book is a wonderful resource in building a consent culture.
May 7, 2023
A considerate, practical, and essential workbook that acts as guidance for the reader through their own beliefs of consent and its implementation.
Thank you to the author and the publisher for this ARC through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
Thank you to the author and the publisher for this ARC through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
April 22, 2024
This Workbook definitely made me think ! Its led me to finding relevant podcasts * for ME * & my personal development & i have purchased further reading. It triggered a response from me that didn't expect & for the first time ever im wanting to improve myself and my connection to others in anew way
January 31, 2023
A book everyone should read. Seriously. An incredibly important conversation that everyone should read, no matter what gender featuring incredibly important conversations.
January 3, 2024
A useful, well laid out book to guide you through the complicated concept of consent. I learned agency thru this workbook, my own agency, something I never had access to before.
November 1, 2023
"Ask Yourself" encourages readers to think about the nitty gritties of consent — their own, and other people's — far beyond "no means no" and "consent is sexy." Stryker discusses internal boundaries and consent, as well as in communities and in a society that is often coercive. Her text and prompts give readers a lot of useful tools and things to think about. Highly recommended!
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