Before We Begin
The Five Domains of the Exceptional Self-Mastery: The Heart of the Exceptional By crafting our own apprenticeships, understanding ourselves through honest reflection, and cultivating key habits that lead to personal achievement, we lay the foundation for an exceptional life. Observation: Seeing What Matters By increasing our ability to observe the needs, preferences, intentions, and desires of others, as well as their fears and concerns, we are better prepared to be able to decode people and situations with speed and accuracy, gaining the clarity to do what is best, what is right, and what is effective. Communication: From Informative to Transformative By embracing both verbal and nonverbal skills, we can express ideas more efficiently and intentionally, appealing to the heart and mind and establishing bonds that build trust, loyalty, and social harmony. Action: Make It Timely, Ethical, and Prosocial By knowing and applying the ethical and social framework for appropriate action, we can learn, as exceptional people do, to “do the right thing at the right time.” Psychological Comfort: The Most Powerful Strength Humans Possess By grasping the foundational truth that what humans ultimately seek is psychological comfort, we can discover what exceptional people know: that whoever provides psychological comfort through caring wins.
Chapter 1: Self-Mastery: The Heart of the Exceptional
Somehow, through sheer persistence and out of necessity, I became fully fluent in English in about a year. There is nothing like immersive socializing for learning a language. I had been put back a grade so I could catch up academically, and in time I made up two years in one. But that was only the beginning. There was the issue of my accent. I had to work hard to get rid of it because one thing I learned was that if you speak with an accent in America, you stand out, and I so wanted to fit in. Eventually I was able to overcome my accent, but there was always the reality that there was so much to learn that my classmates knew that I didn’t know: all the things we learn from toddlerhood on, on the playground, while watching TV, by attending the same schools, and through years of culture and socialization.
Some people find it easier to value and take care of others than themselves. But just as we support others in bettering themselves, so too we have that same responsibility to ourselves. Once you accept that the best way to value yourself is through your own commitment to become a better version of yourself, you’re on your way to becoming an exceptional individual. Every time I read about someone in their eighties who graduates from high school or like Giuseppe Paternò who at the age of ninety-six finally graduated from college, I’m reminded that here is a person whose plans may have been derailed by work, responsibilities, or misfortune but who remained committed to investing in their education; even late in life, because they valued themselves. And what a beautiful example they set for all of us.
On graduation day, I celebrated by, of all things, getting a library card at the city library. Away from the university, now there was time to read whatever I wanted, not just what was required. I created my own apprenticeship in nonverbals, learning about the body language of Trobriand Islanders in the Pacific one day and about greeting gestures among the first people of Alaska the next. The nonverbals the conquistadores observed when they arrived in the New World were just as fascinating to me as the mandated color of clothing King Henry VIII allowed his nobles to wear. The body language Sir Richard Burton observed in Africa while seeking to find the origins of the Nile was every bit as interesting as the customs and mannerisms the medieval explorer Ibn Battuta found over a thirty-year period and seventy-five thousand miles traveling across Africa, the Middle East, India, and Asia. What no class could teach me, I sought to teach myself. I apprenticed myself to study everything I could about body language and nonverbal communication from psychologists, zoologists, ethologists, anthropologists, clinicians, ethnographers, artists, photographers, primatologists, sculptors, and anatomists. This self-apprenticeship went further afield than I ever could have anticipated—and changed my life in the process.
When I got that library card and started my self-apprenticeship on nonverbal communication, I never dreamed I would meet the giants in the field: Paul Ekman, Bella DePaulo, Judee Burgoon, Mark Frank, David Givens, Joe Kulis, Amy Cuddy, and many others. I couldn’t imagine that I’d be recruited by the FBI and use my knowledge to catch spies, terrorists, and kidnappers. I never foresaw that I would write more than a dozen books on human behavior, give yearly lectures at the Harvard Business School, do educational videos that would receive over thirty-five million views, and consult for organizations and governments all over the world. I had no idea that in apprenticing myself, following my own bliss, doors would in time open to me, as Joseph Campbell had forecast, where I didn’t even “know they were going to be.” It was hard work. I had to make a total commitment to learn about nonverbal communication—something I still pursue every day. But hard work is the price of this gift we give ourselves of choosing to follow our bliss.
You don’t have to be aiming to improve or save the world or its creatures to mentor yourself to a better state of being and living. I think of the young man in the lane next to mine at the local pool who has practiced to perfection the low-silhouette “combat swim”—on one’s side, arms kept below the waterline to eliminate splash, gliding between strokes, only the mouth pops up out of the water for a breath—based on a video he downloaded from the internet, because he aspires to be a US Navy SEAL. Or of William, a man in his early forties, who recognizes that when he’s excited about something, he talks too fast. He knows it, his wife certainly knows it, but so do his senior managers, who want him to “take it down a notch.”
Self-apprenticeships take time, but not necessarily money. For years, the local library was my greatest resource in my self-mentoring in nonverbal communication. The internet brings a universe of information within easy reach—from easy-to-follow video tutorials to authoritative articles to engaging podcasts. You can also get leads on resources simply by telling people on social media what you’re pursuing.
Emotions must be kept in balance at all times. Either you control emotions or emotions will rule over you. Although Special Agent Moody was my junior in the FBI by a decade, she was my senior by decades when it came to dealing with the demands and stresses of the office. Those everyday events in a high-pressure environment that keep our emotions ever-ready so we can act can also cause us to be irritated, testy, or inconsiderate.
If she sensed I was getting more upset, she would give me a muchneeded maternal look and say, “Joe, go for a run. I’m not going to talk to you until you come back.” And I would. I would come back much tamer. Even during lunch, she would sense my urgency to get back to work and insist I slow down: “Your mouth is for eating. It’s not a woodchipper.”
When we are young, if not checked, emotionally boorish behaviors can shape us, and not in a good way. We have all known a spoiled brat or an inconsiderate person with little emotional control. Temper tantrums, grudges, petty jealousies, impulsive behaviors, intentional meltdowns to garner attention, and other toxic acts that impose on others can become routine. Over time they can become even more noxious, leading to harassment, bullying, even to acting out violently. I’m sure you or someone you know has remarked that someone at work is acting like a child. They are not. They are acting like adults who have not learned to self-regulate their emotions. The pettiness, lashing out, bullying, or impulsive behaviors we are seeing in adulthood are simply because they lack self-regulation.
Take impulsiveness, for instance. Essentially, it’s the inability to regulate our desires and step in with logic to say “That is a bad idea” when our impulsive act may in fact hurt us as well as others. Just look at what happened to the stock market price of SpaceX when its founder, Elon Musk, decided to smoke marijuana during a podcast. Overnight, investors lost confidence as they wondered if he was capable of regulating himself. After all, if you invest tens of millions in one individual’s vision, you want the person to at least know better than to go on a public forum and take a toke.
The first key to emotional regulation is to acknowledge that emotions can and will affect us and learn to recognize when we feel our emotions surging up. Start with some simple questions about your emotional habits: What emotions do I find most challenging to manage (worry/fear, sadness, anger)? What tends to “set me off” (too many tight deadlines, not enough sleep, when x person does or says y, when a certain combination of things happens)? When I’m emotionally hijacked, how do I behave (yelling, saying mean things, sulking, banging things around, withdrawing, unhealthy eating/drinking/drugs)?
Once you have a sense of what sets you off emotionally and how you tend to react, raise your threshold against emotional hijacking by looking for strategies you can implement to deal with stress. This could be an excellent self-apprenticeship, as there’s a great deal of scientific study and literature on stress reduction. Or start closer to home: Think about those people you know who handle things well—they don’t lose their cool; they stay focused and decisive under pressure; they deal respectfully with others even when their patience is tested. What do they do in these situations? Really observe and be specific here. How might you adapt their strategies to the situations that challenge you emotionally? Look for blog posts, books, and videos that deal with emotional regulation or anger management.
“Very strong work ethic across the team”—and to this, which caught my eye: “We’re a very no drama team. We get to work and do what we need to do. I think that is what has made us so strong.” It’s not that the players don’t have emotions. They do—they are überpassionate. It’s that their emotions are channeled into something productive.
You can be an extraordinary artist, businessperson, or scientist, but that doesn’t make you an exceptional person. Exceptional individuals aren’t just masterful at what they do or for what they know. They are exceptional because of how they live their lives and how they treat others. They are influential in the ways that matter most: by how they make us feel, how they behave toward others, how they care and make sacrifices for the benefit of others. Self-mastery is about who we are as people, apart from what we do. Much of that boils down to what we call conscientiousness.
Conscientious people have the ability to toggle between empirical and emotional realities. They can blend their knowledge, technical skills, and the facts of the situation with understanding of the added dynamics of their own and others’ feelings. This ability makes them exquisitely insightful and enormously effective, able to harness their own full potential and encourage it in others. One way to understand conscientiousness is to look at how conscientious people behave: They accomplish tasks while being mindful of their responsibilities toward others, the community, and the environment. They’re aware of the consequences of their actions. They can delay gratification when other things take precedence. They have the humility to know they’re not always right. They are dependable, disciplined, persistent, and well-intentioned.
I had always been curious to know why so many great marathon runners are from Ethiopia and Kenya, so I decided to ask him. I expected many answers—genetics, healthy diet, physiology, altitude, instilled discipline— but not the one he gave. “We did not have radios or television or even newspapers when I was growing up,” he replied. That was a curious answer and one I hadn’t heard before, so I asked what he meant by that. “When I was growing up,” he said, “we just ran everywhere, always, and as fast as possible, because we had responsibilities.” I still didn’t get it. He laughed with good patience and a beautiful contrasting smile before he elaborated: “No one ever told us what the world speed records were. We had no limits imposed on us as children and we did not impose them on ourselves. We just ran everywhere as fast as we could.
Take some time to answer these questions honestly: What expectations do others have of me? Do I find these expectations burdensome or motivating? Which ones are in alignment with my own goals and interests? What expectations do I have of myself? Are there ways that I might be limiting my own potential? What training, information, knowledge, or skills would I need to reach my goals and pursue my interests? What, if anything, is holding me back? What could I do to move forward?
According to researchers, these sea marauders, as they are known, spend up to 60 percent of their day in the water, diving for fish, sea urchins, sea slugs, octopus, and bivalves, without SCUBA tanks. Over the generations, they have so adapted to the necessity to dive deep and for longer periods of time that their spleens have grown 50 percent larger than their nondiving neighbors’ in Malaysia (or, for that matter, anyone reading these words), to carry more oxygen-rich red blood cells. This allows them to dive to depths of more than two hundred feet and stay under for thirteen minutes at a time. By contrast, most people can barely hold their breath for forty-five seconds, and even a whale calf has to surface for air at least every three to five minutes. Scientists theorize that as the Bajau adapted over the centuries to their aquatic needs, what resulted were changes not only in their attitudes in relation to the ocean, but also in their actual physiology.
Exceptional individuals are constructively self-critical. They care about being and doing better. This self-analysis, which I call demonology, allows them to set a better course for themselves. Perhaps this explains why you’re reading this book. No matter what your age and life experience, there’s a better world of your own making waiting for you if you’re willing to do the following: Look at yourself realistically. Ponder how you can change. Examine how you view yourself and relate to the world around you. Constructively take steps to constantly rectify or improve your behaviors.
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When I meet people who say that they seem to get in trouble all the time, don’t last at a job for very long, always date the “wrong kind” of person, and so on, immediately I think: Here is someone who has had many learning experiences but has never self-corrected. While certain events can be frustrating, even painful, exceptional individuals don’t just learn but selfcorrect. Over and over. They will self-correct for a lifetime. Why wait for the next calamity? Head it off: begin that self-awareness now.
Michael stopped what he was doing. I’m not sure what emotions he was feeling, but for a moment he looked like he was about to cry. Then he went right back to work. I asked him to think about what I said because he was starting his career and now was the time to address the question. As I walked away, he said something I will never forget. He said, “No one ever told us in training to think about how we want to be known.” “They never told me that in the FBI, either,” I replied. Fact is, no organization does. That is the kind of question only the exceptional ask. How do you want to be known? Few, if any, will ever ask you this question. But it’s the only question that matters. Because that is the only thing in life that you can shape. How do you want to be known? There are many adjectives you might choose: efficient, precise, resourceful, capable, smart, clever, industrious, creative, kind, joyful—to name some. I’m sure you aren’t choosing words like indifferent, sarcastic, petty, snotty, caustic, complaining, or lazy.
Taking a good look at ourselves isn’t just important for the workplace. Our interpersonal relationships can use a checkup, also. Over time in relationships, it’s easy to develop bad habits or behaviors that need course correction. Unfortunately, many people erroneously feel that it’s up to others to tell them if they’re doing something wrong, and if no one complains, it must mean that everything they’re doing must be okay.
Exceptional individuals are realistic about their imperfections and tackle them head on. Seek out the resources that will help you, be it getting coaching, counseling, mentoring, or help through books and research to gain insight and coping strategies. Whether it’s choosing better friends, working on public speaking, getting less angry, or being more organized— whatever you feel weakest at, there are ways to effectively deal with it.
As it turns out, fulfilling the smallest of tasks diligently is one of the strongest and most reliable predictors of future success, and that is the essence of the research on conscientiousness. Why would these elite warriors need to make their beds as part of their basic training? Because when you do small tasks with care, you are valuing yourself and reinforcing a “sense of pride” in how you complete your duties in life. Habitually bringing dedication to the small things we do each and every day creates a positive trend. And a trend, nourished properly, can become destiny.
Talk to experts in any field, and they’ll tell you that “talent” is something you work at. These men and women may be blessed with talent for running. But perfected practice is how they unlock it. They are harnessing a capacity every one of us is born with. We are wir