Single Isn't Second-Best

by Philip Wilder, C.E. White

Sometimes it feels impossible to believe that “it is good to remain single.” — 1 Corinthians 7:8

In a world that glorifies romance and sex, many of us have fallen for the lie that singleness is second-best . . . or that even we are second-best compared to our married friends.

So how can you learn to believe singleness is good and truly experience its blessings?

How do you handle the loneliness, the desire for kids, or the heartache of breakups? How do you embrace what you have instead of wishing for the things you don’t?

As impossible as it may seem, singleness truly is as good as marriage.

If you’re wrestling with being content in your singleness, this book will provide empathy and encouragement while offering biblical truths and practical steps to help you combat that “grass-is-greener” syndrome. You don’t need to be married to live the abundant life Christ offers to all believers.

Genres: Audiobook

292 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2022

Reviews

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every older teen and adult Christian should read this book. Even if you’re not single yourself, you undoubtedly know some singles, and this book is an important look at both how the church has (often inadvertently) made singles feel second best, and an encouragement and challenge to live life to serve God no matter what your relationship status. It’s really well done and there were so many quotes that really spoke to me. Read it. I promise you won’t regret it.

[Tricia Mingerink · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book on singleness that I wish someone had handed me back when I was in my early twenties. This book is written with so much thought and heart. The authors put a lot of work into bringing their own experiences into the book but also interviewing many, many singles so that this book captures SO many aspects of singleness.

What I loved most was that the theme of the book could be boiled down to this: be fulfilled in God. Whether single or married, your fulfillment will be found in God. It's a seemingly simple concept, but it is something that too many books and lectures on both singleness or marriage tend to miss. It is a reminder that we all need, whether single or married.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, this rocketed into the top 3 or 4 books on singleness I've read.
Co-written by both a man and a woman, from different backgrounds, gave this book a wonderful balance and perspective that many books lack. I love how this book was so centered on Jesus, intensely practical, and down to earth.

Highly recommend it for all singles.

Content notes: frank discussions about some sexual topics

[Verity Buchanan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am twenty-three, single pringle, never been out with a guy, and turned down the only gentleman ever professing interest in me thus far. I should add that none of this bothers me in the slightest. I bought this book not because I struggle with my state of singleness, but because I know author C.E. White to a degree and have great respect for her and the truth she shares. I was curious about the "singleness" project from the day I learned of its existence, and watching it progress from a distance led me to the conviction that it's fulfilling a much-needed dialogue in our time. Having read it through, I may now confirm it's relevant for singles across the board.

"Single Isn't Second-Best" is an easy, conversational read (I blew through the first half in 1.5 hours and would have kept going then if prudence hadn't dictated I take a break to mull over what I'd covered). It's a blend of practical advice, personal anecdotes, + the words of many singles (including some formerly married), but at its root it's about who you are in Christ. White and Wilder are unapologetic on this front and adamant about dismantling long-standing fallacies such as You Need A Romantic Relationship To Be Fulfilled, God The Heavenly Slot Machine Will Send A Spouse If You Pray For It, and so forth. Tone is compassionate and well-rounded to a variety of perspectives, addressing the hurt singles have suffered from the rest of the church while upholding the need for personal responsibility in both demographics. Theology is orthodox at a fundamental level and supported with a wealth of apt Scripture references. (Some doctrinal branches will take issue with the more intimate lingo used from time to time, especially by Wilder such as "God told me", or "God's best for you", but approached in context, these instances are minor disputes at worst and often perfectly in line with Scripture. Given the topical nature of the book, it's not especially geared toward exploring doctrinal nuance in the first place.)

I found about 25% of Single Isn't Second-Best to be "This is useful, but to me purely common sense" — for which I have to thank two very wise and level-headed parents who happened to also get married late in their twenties. The remainder fell into "Review of spiritual truths that are definitely personally applicable" with the occasional "Whoa, that was very relevant".

Overall, this was a pleasure to peruse. Prompted me to evaluate how I use my time and finances, challenged me in my walk with the Lord, and sparked meditation on heaven, holiness, and the beauty of Jesus Christ. Recommended for genuinely any adult but Christian singles in particular.

Quote that amused me the most:

"Bad reasons to get married: [...] Because you have the warm fuzzies.
"Warm fuzzies do not last. The end."

Most convicting quote for me:

"Bad reasons to stay single: [...] Because you like the way your life is going.
"[...] Maybe you're afraid adding someone into the mix will throw you on a different path.
"But maybe a different path is exactly what you need."

Hmm yeah. Filing that one for personal reference.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book to give as a gift. But once I had it in hand, I had to give it a quick look-through before giving it away. And I ended up actually reading the whole thing!

Singleness is NOT second-best. We in the church need to remember that and be truly supportive of those who are single! God calls some to celibate singleness. And whether it’s just for a while or for one’s entire life, He should be followed in obedience. So for Christian singles today, I think this book may be a huge encouragement and blessing.

I’ve been happily married for 25 years, so I’m not the intended audience. But I do believe a book like this would have been quite helpful for me during my late teens and early twenties. And I hope my recipient of this book is encouraged as much as I think I would have been had I read this book 30 years ago.

Both authors are relatable, write well, and share from their own life-experiences. I like that we are given both a male and a female perspective. Most importantly, both authors are believers who are strong in their faith and gently encourage the reader to focus on their relationship with Christ.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5/5 stars)

I highly recommend!

This book would be a great addition to a church library. (I’m going to recommend my church’s librarian add a copy to our church library.)

[Kelly Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me feel seen. The Christian church often treats singleness as a stepping stone to marriage. A holding place. Second-best. Sometimes it's blatant and sometimes it's by accident, but it's prevalent. This book addresses that issue head on. It touches on things the church can do better, but mostly it focuses on what singles can do to live their lives fully without feeling like they're just waiting for the next step in life. I found it really encouraging and motivating. Whether you're happily single, content to be single but wanting more, or unhappily single, this book holds encouragement for you. In fact, I would encourage any Christian who wants to understand singleness better to read it!

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was totally amazing!

I really enjoyed this book. The author brought me much insight of how to embrace my singlesness. I am 52 years old and God has used this book to encourage my heart to be content in my singlesness. This book blessed my heart! Thank you so much!

[Annette Hala · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book on the subject. The best I’ve read. I was doubtful about a book written by two married people, but their perspective is excellent. I highly recommend it for single people, but also for any married people who have single friends! (I.e. everyone)

[Liz Koetsier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very excellent and thoughtfully written!

[Christy Harrill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Edit 8/15: Listened for the second time. Was over halfway through the book before I realized the authors were not, in fact, married, but two different people from two different marriages 😂 (I remembered being so confused the first time I read the book because there seemed to be so many contradictions in the timeline-makes so much sense now-also not me thinking one of the authors was just using a pen name like the two different last names weren't a clue 💀) Oh, and it's also not the authors reading (which I realized at the end of the second read through) Still such a help and would recommend to anyone.

Original Review:
Oof. I'm so glad I happened to come across this book. This is one of those topics that unless someone has experienced or lived it themselves, they can in no way understand or relate to it, no matter how well meaning they might want to be. Which can lead to discussions based off false assumptions or insensitive advice and comments.

The authors lived it, so they get it, which makes it refreshingly relatable to the point where you feel seen, because they've dealt with and experienced the same things you have. I also appreciated that they pointed out that the church has had a tendency to fail ministering to those individuals living this stage of life, something I'd recently seen mentioned by Sarah Yardley speaking with Stream Studios.

The difference in this book is the approach to the topic and how thoughtfully it's dealt with as well as just how practical and digestible it is. His portion was more relatable, but it was interesting to see the same experience through both their eyes but through two completely different journeys. This is such an informative and just well executed book that I would recommend to anyone living this stage of life, and I wished I'd found it sooner. It was a lot to take in in one audiobook listen, so I look forward to rereading it at a slower pace, but I'm so grateful they took the time to write this book, because they're some of the only people who could.

[Chrissy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gifted to me by a friend - thank you @Annette! I didn’t expect to enjoy and gain as many insights from this book as I did. The authors brought up some unique perspectives and thoughts on singleness as a Christian. I felt like it was well-balanced and encouraging - would recommend. 👌🏻

[Meagan Kusek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, I finally feel seen. I appreciate how this book both apologized on the Church's behalf for basically ignoring singles or not knowing what to do with them but turned around and gave some great insight on how to be content in your single period, for however long that might last.

Interestingly, I identified more with Philip's circumstances than Connie's, and I felt like he had a lot more practical advice on *what* to do to better yourself and be content. Connie went heavier on the theological backing and reasoning. However, I do wish there had been some more advice about how to deepen one's relationship with God to better hear His voice. Or maybe I do hear it and I'm just overthinking things (that tends to happen).

Also, because both are married now and did so before the age of 30/31, I do feel like some of their views of singleness are based on being a *young* single. There's an entire chapter on the benefits of being single, and they're all ones I've heard before, but really: unless you're 22, who's going to Waffle House at 3 am or "has much more extra time" than married people? I admit that married people have more schedules to juggle and singles have more time to relax by themselves, but singles of a certain age have just as many responsibilities - job, housekeeping, cooking, etc. - and no one to divide the work with.

Even though there were several platitudes I've already heard about in living as a Christian single, Philip and Connie both drove home some very powerful messages about how to promote God's will in your life and others' - almost to the point where I feel a bit overwhelmed and like a bad person if I don't go and focus on all these things right now. Regardless, the book gave me a lot to think about while also being comforting.

[Luthien Eustice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I do not use the phrase flippantly when I say that I would recommend this book to every, not just any, single Christian, however difficult the battle with contentment in singleness is for the individual. This book shared the truth of what God says about singleness as it is, even when it stings, as it should be shared. I also commend the authors for covering
different areas of focus, not just two or three general topics. This book helped me realign my focus and mindset about God’s sovereign, loving, and meaningful plan for me, and I am very pleased to have read this book!
Also, the theology, from my first read through, appears solid and grounded in Scripture. There is the discussion of the idolizing of selfish things that leads to not choosing what is “God’s best for you,” and I think this may have thrown a few people off. It did at first for me a bit. But I don’t believe that the authors are intending that a believer can do something outside of God’s sovereign will, but that when given the option to obey, the believer goes in a different direction. I think of Abraham and Sarah trying to have a son on their own terms rather than trusting that God would give Sarah a child, even in her old age. They did not go outside of God’s will, but they did not obey Him.

[Lena · Rating 4 out of 5]

(I never know how to rate non-fiction... Ratings are such a gut thing for me, and my gut doesn't really get involved in non-fiction. Anyway...)

A well-written, solidly helpful book, and well worth the read. As with anything, some of it applied more than other bits, and I don't know that I came away changed by any of it, but it did give me some good things to think about. Good, biblical advice and reminders, all backed up with verses and examples from the Bible. Definitely recommend to anyone interested in this topic, whether single or in a relationship, or even already married!

[Keelin (Adventures in Lit) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely beautiful and such a wonderful resource for single adults! Well written with stories from the authors and also from interviews they conducted. It’s way more than a “here’s how to live your single life” book and so much more of a kingdom serving, bigger picture book about singleness but also the understanding of singles desiring marriage. The authors discuss several myths that singles are faced with and they speak truth into each one. Cannot speak highly enough of this book! I will definitely be going back to reread soon!

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book encouraging and insightful. I especially appreciated the chapters on the good and bad reasons to stay single or get married. The authors confronted a lot of lies singles tell themselves (particularly that if they were married, life would be perfect).

However, I did not agree with their comments about "God's best for you." A few times, it seemed like they were saying that you could "miss" God's plan for you. I might have misinterpreted their meaning, but it made me a little uncomfortable.

[Rae Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

An invaluable book of truths our society desperately needs!
While not shying away from hard topics, the authors provide encouragement and a refreshingly honest approach to the realities of singlehood, relationships, and a committed walk with God.
Perfect for singles of any stage, young couples looking towards marriage, and those in ministry to the aforementioned groups.

[Wayfaring_Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly fantastic book. This topic is not very well addressed in our culture or the church. And I found this book insightful and encouraging. Highly highly recommend for singles and those who want to properly encourage people on their single journeys.

[Erin Powe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would say it started out really great with some solid-punches of truth and backslaps of encouragement and petered out a little for me on the backstretch - maybe because it was a little too convicting? There were some cheesier parts.

[Chockletter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great resource.