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I Felt the End Before It Came: Memoirs of a Queer Ex-Jehovah's Witness
*LONGLISTED FOR THE GRAND PRIX DU LIVRE DE MONTREAL*
“I spent eighteen years in a group that taught me to hate myself. You cannot be queer and a Jehovah’s Witness—it’s one or the other.”
Daniel Allen Cox grew up with firm lines around what his religion considered celebrating birthdays and holidays; voting in elections, pursuing higher education, and other forays into independent thought. Their opposition to blood transfusions would have consequences for his mother, just as their stance on homosexuality would for him.
But even years after whispers of his sexual orientation reached his congregation’s presiding elder, catalyzing his disassociation, the distinction between “in” and “out” isn’t always clear. Still in the midst of a lifelong disentanglement, Cox grapples with the group’s cultish tactics—from gaslighting to shunning—and their resulting harms—from simmering anger to substance abuse—all while redefining its concepts through a queer lens. Can Paradise be a bathhouse, a concert hall, or a room full of books?
With great candour and disarming self-awareness, Cox takes readers on a journey from his early days as a solicitous door-to-door preacher in Montreal to a stint in New York City, where he’s swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography. The culmination of years spent both processing and avoiding a complicated past, I Felt the End Before It Came reckons with memory and language just as it provides a blueprint to surviving a litany of Armageddons.
“I spent eighteen years in a group that taught me to hate myself. You cannot be queer and a Jehovah’s Witness—it’s one or the other.”
Daniel Allen Cox grew up with firm lines around what his religion considered celebrating birthdays and holidays; voting in elections, pursuing higher education, and other forays into independent thought. Their opposition to blood transfusions would have consequences for his mother, just as their stance on homosexuality would for him.
But even years after whispers of his sexual orientation reached his congregation’s presiding elder, catalyzing his disassociation, the distinction between “in” and “out” isn’t always clear. Still in the midst of a lifelong disentanglement, Cox grapples with the group’s cultish tactics—from gaslighting to shunning—and their resulting harms—from simmering anger to substance abuse—all while redefining its concepts through a queer lens. Can Paradise be a bathhouse, a concert hall, or a room full of books?
With great candour and disarming self-awareness, Cox takes readers on a journey from his early days as a solicitous door-to-door preacher in Montreal to a stint in New York City, where he’s swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography. The culmination of years spent both processing and avoiding a complicated past, I Felt the End Before It Came reckons with memory and language just as it provides a blueprint to surviving a litany of Armageddons.
230 pages, Hardcover
First published May 9, 2023
32 people are currently reading
952 people want to read
About the author
Daniel Allen Cox
10 books35 followersDaniel Allen Cox's essays appear or are forthcoming in Electric Literature, The Malahat Review, Fourth Genre, The Rumpus, and elsewhere. He is the author of four novels published by Arsenal Pulp Press. Daniel lives in Tiotia:ke/Montréal and is past president of the Quebec Writers' Federation. He is represented by Akin Akinwumi at Willenfield Literary Agency.
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February 13, 2024
I Felt the End Before it Came – Daniel Allen Cox – (2023) –
This compelling memoir, which spans over several decades, Canadian author Daniel Allen Cox details his life of being born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness (JW) and how this has shaped and influenced his life after leaving the organization. JW’s are known for isolating themselves from secular society—avoiding celebrations of birthdays, holiday’s, refusing all blood products, they do not vote or hold public office. A strict code of conduct is observed, monitored and reported elders if members deviate from directives and or expectations. As a young gay youth Cox was “disfellowshipped” over his comment about another teen, and his family and friends were instructed to “shun” him.
As a directionless young gay man, it was difficult for Cox to confidently procced into successful adulthood. He was taught that a college education was unnecessary, and had trouble completing his undergraduate degree. From the excitement of cocaine fueled parties in Montreal’s Gay Village, to teaching ESL classes in Poland, where he was expected to attend Catholic church services, he visited St. Mary’s Basilica, one of the largest gothic brick structures in the world, he marveled in the silence and peace “I liked the way darkness held me” he observed while sitting in the pews. In addition, “Later My Life at the Edge of the World” (2020) by Paul Lisicky was referenced, as he developed his writing style.
Cox would eventually travel to NYC and work in the adult entertainment industry that was rapidly evolving on the internet. When he woke up sleeping on a garbage bag in the Bronx surrounded by screaming Chelsea Queen’s he knew he would have to change his ways. Cox decided to stop using alcohol and nicotine (2018). The connection made related to friends and other former JW’s impacted by shunning often led to addictions, PTSD, various depressive and mental illnesses including suicide. The JW’s have a support system for recovery, according to Cox, but uses judgment and scare tactics rather than urgently needed professional treatment and mental healthcare. Throughout the memoir, readers learn that the multitudes of paths to “The Truth” does not always involve the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (3.5*GOOD)
This compelling memoir, which spans over several decades, Canadian author Daniel Allen Cox details his life of being born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness (JW) and how this has shaped and influenced his life after leaving the organization. JW’s are known for isolating themselves from secular society—avoiding celebrations of birthdays, holiday’s, refusing all blood products, they do not vote or hold public office. A strict code of conduct is observed, monitored and reported elders if members deviate from directives and or expectations. As a young gay youth Cox was “disfellowshipped” over his comment about another teen, and his family and friends were instructed to “shun” him.
As a directionless young gay man, it was difficult for Cox to confidently procced into successful adulthood. He was taught that a college education was unnecessary, and had trouble completing his undergraduate degree. From the excitement of cocaine fueled parties in Montreal’s Gay Village, to teaching ESL classes in Poland, where he was expected to attend Catholic church services, he visited St. Mary’s Basilica, one of the largest gothic brick structures in the world, he marveled in the silence and peace “I liked the way darkness held me” he observed while sitting in the pews. In addition, “Later My Life at the Edge of the World” (2020) by Paul Lisicky was referenced, as he developed his writing style.
Cox would eventually travel to NYC and work in the adult entertainment industry that was rapidly evolving on the internet. When he woke up sleeping on a garbage bag in the Bronx surrounded by screaming Chelsea Queen’s he knew he would have to change his ways. Cox decided to stop using alcohol and nicotine (2018). The connection made related to friends and other former JW’s impacted by shunning often led to addictions, PTSD, various depressive and mental illnesses including suicide. The JW’s have a support system for recovery, according to Cox, but uses judgment and scare tactics rather than urgently needed professional treatment and mental healthcare. Throughout the memoir, readers learn that the multitudes of paths to “The Truth” does not always involve the Jehovah’s Witnesses. (3.5*GOOD)
October 20, 2025
A collection of essays detailing growing up within a "high control" group, and the ways in which family, random people, strangers, can either embrace you, ignore you, or deliberate "disassociate" themselves.
I never knew Michael Jackson and Prince were Jehovah's Witnesses (although not necessarily always in good standing).
"Whenever someone told me I was in a cult it would stick in my mind, even though I never fully believed it."
Freeing oneself from mind control games, and from the expectations of others, is a lengthy ongoing process. As Cox explains, this is like "coming out" — something that never happens just once, or all at once.
The book ends on a powerful note, describing his life in New York, and explaining the background to that marvellous cover photo, which depicts the author himself scribbling on a notebook covering his face.
I never knew Michael Jackson and Prince were Jehovah's Witnesses (although not necessarily always in good standing).
"Whenever someone told me I was in a cult it would stick in my mind, even though I never fully believed it."
Freeing oneself from mind control games, and from the expectations of others, is a lengthy ongoing process. As Cox explains, this is like "coming out" — something that never happens just once, or all at once.
The book ends on a powerful note, describing his life in New York, and explaining the background to that marvellous cover photo, which depicts the author himself scribbling on a notebook covering his face.
March 31, 2024
I'm always interested to read about the experiences of people coming out of a high-control religious group, so this piqued my interest. What I didn't realize until the end is that it's a collection of essays rather than a continuous memoir, many of which had been previously published elsewhere. Which explains why it feels a little bit all over the place. And I also wasn't expecting the latter part to suddenly be a graphic discussion of the author's time in New York as a sex worker and artist, so it felt a bit jarring.
I probably would have preferred a more chronological narrative, but there were still parts of this that were very interesting. The earlier parts are focused on growing up Jehovah's Witness as a queer kid and leaving the church. He's also very transparent about his struggles with alcoholism and how those early years still impact him. Structurally I'm not sure this is one of the better memoirs I've read, but I still found it to be interesting and meaningful. I received an audio copy from Libro.FM, all opinions are my own.
I probably would have preferred a more chronological narrative, but there were still parts of this that were very interesting. The earlier parts are focused on growing up Jehovah's Witness as a queer kid and leaving the church. He's also very transparent about his struggles with alcoholism and how those early years still impact him. Structurally I'm not sure this is one of the better memoirs I've read, but I still found it to be interesting and meaningful. I received an audio copy from Libro.FM, all opinions are my own.
November 28, 2023
I listened to the audiobook.
Having grown up a Jehovah’s Witness, and subsequently shunned when I left, I have avoided memoirs of others, but this came up as recommended by someone in my feed, and I thought maybe I was ready. It has been 34 years since I left, after all. Still, so much resonated, and his story brought back memories I had forgotten. It is sad to be part of this large community of ex-JWs where we share so much history and trauma and have had to start over without friends or family or education, in most cases.
I am not queer, and I can only imagine how much more difficult that would have been to navigate growing up in this cult. The memoir got a little graphic (and boastful maybe), for my prudish sensibilities, but I admire his bravery in putting everything out there and owning his story. He’s turned this unfortunate initial choosing of the wrong parents into a meaningful life.
Having grown up a Jehovah’s Witness, and subsequently shunned when I left, I have avoided memoirs of others, but this came up as recommended by someone in my feed, and I thought maybe I was ready. It has been 34 years since I left, after all. Still, so much resonated, and his story brought back memories I had forgotten. It is sad to be part of this large community of ex-JWs where we share so much history and trauma and have had to start over without friends or family or education, in most cases.
I am not queer, and I can only imagine how much more difficult that would have been to navigate growing up in this cult. The memoir got a little graphic (and boastful maybe), for my prudish sensibilities, but I admire his bravery in putting everything out there and owning his story. He’s turned this unfortunate initial choosing of the wrong parents into a meaningful life.
January 7, 2023
Daniel knew he was being lied to and lied about. He wanted to listen to his true self, but in order to do so he had to build a self. He did it by loving, by reading, traveling, listening, making art, making love, and learning what a friend is. He decided to live with contradiction, amibiguity, and change. He has been shunned by those posing as perfection and so he discarded the facade of perfection. And because he is a true writer who can convey this complexity with grace, his story inspires us to want to know our own contradictions, to see them as riches instead of shame. In this way our lives become enhanced by both his vulnerability and his gifts.
June 11, 2023
I didn't love this one unfortunately. However, it was a really honest and vulnerable account of one Canadian gay man's journey to extricate himself from the cult-like grasp of the Jehovah Witness religion he was raised in. Narrated by the author, this wasn't my favorite as an audiobook. Usually I am all about hearing books read by the authors but in this case I feel like hiring a professional might have served the book better (but that's just my humble opinion). I also felt like the essays were a little disjointed/hard to get fully invested in. Overall I appreciated learning about this very homophobic religion and the author's bravery in turning his back on his upbringing.
February 27, 2023
It's not surprising that I would resonate deeply with Daniel Allen Cox's intimate and revealing memoir "I Felt the End Before It Came: Memoirs of a Queer Ex-Jehovah's Witness."
If I were to identify two target groups likely to most appreciate Cox's uncommon candor, it would likely be former JW's who were either disfellowshipped or disassociated and those who identify as LGBTQ and who've experienced and who've experienced some degree of trauma around the journey toward self-acceptance.
However, what I really find refreshing about "I Felt the End Before It Came" is the lack of polish and sheen that Cox provides. He doesn't sugarcoat himself, his experiences, or his struggles but instead lays it all out there in a rather straightforward manner. While many memoirs leave me feeling like the author has selectively laid out all the best parts and all the juicy parts, Cox simply tells us his story.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" focuses largely on two significant areas of Cox's life - a childhood spent as a Jehovah's Witness that largely ended around the age 18 when he disassociated himself after being essentially "outed" and then vividly (and somewhat hilariously) owning that outing and an adulthood where he’s swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography.
Baptized at the age of 13, Cox existed in the cultish world of Jehovah's Witnesses where there's never any question that homosexuality is wrong, holidays and birthdays aren't celebrated because they take the spotlight away from Jehovah, you're advised and counseled by elders with a friendly aura who are watching every move you make and ready to call you out on it, and you've had more than a few traumas from the JW obligation of either going door-to-door or setting up your literature cart in a visible area where you can teach others the truth that leads to eternal life.
A casual comment to a trusted friend led to Cox's eventual disassociation from the JW's, a departure that is given surprisingly little time here even if the aftereffect largely dominates the first half of the book as he deals with organizational trauma and the inevitable "shunning" from certain family members that is a requirement of the JW's (though he also eloquently points out how some others get around it or just plain refuse it).
Having been raised in this environment where traditional societal expectations, for example college, are minimized because they conflict with an absolute commitment to Jehovah, Cox at times feels like he's still processing the experiences as he takes us through his post-JW journey whether that be exploring college, entering the work force, taking up modeling, or learning how to be in relationships and friendships.
By now, it's likely evident that I have a personal connection to the material. While I was never baptized as a JW, I was raised in the "church" (and I use that term lightly) and was active in all of its activities when my entire life was blown up after sexual abuse from a neighbor was identified by an elder as being "homosexual" and I was removed from all church activities. I was infinitely more lucky than Cox in that I wasn't yet baptized (so couldn't really be kicked out) and only my mother was a JW and, as such, I was not shunned by many outside the church. However, as a teen with a disability when all this happened what little social circle I had was gone overnight and it would take me years to sort of find my own path. It would take years to sort out my own identity and to realize that the JW's had, in fact, simply covered up my own abuse in what is now known as a pattern largely perpetuated by elders ill-equipped for the authority they were given.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" is very much a memoir. If you're hoping for a deep exploration of the Jehovah's Witnesses, look elsewhere. Cox certainly shares his own journey, however, the information provided here is rather fundamental and largely well-known for this group that has always been recognized for its adherence to such practices as door-to-door preaching, not observing holidays, refusing blood transfusions, and the occasional end of the world prediction. Likewise, I never quite felt like I understood Cox's journey toward self-awareness as a young man who identifies as queer and who slowly learns how to embrace this identity and himself.
Truthfully, by the end of "I Felt the End Before It Came" I didn't really feel like I knew Daniel Allen Cox that well. I appreciated his journey absolutely, however, I felt like there was still a guardedness (understandably) that kept me from really understanding not just his journey but him.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" is ultimately a powerful story of one man's Armageddon at the hands of a religion that promised salvation but ultimately delivered trauma and destruction. With candor and strong self-awareness, Cox claims his identity and shares his journey largely devoid of histrionics in favor of simple honesty and transparency. It's clear that he's still putting away those long ago teachings, a remarkable testimony to the fact that the lessons we learn in our foundational days linger for years to come.
At times remarkably raw and other times almost poetic, "I Felt the End Before It Came" may, in fact, be closer to the real truth that leads to eternal life than anything Daniel Allen Cox ever experienced as a child.
If I were to identify two target groups likely to most appreciate Cox's uncommon candor, it would likely be former JW's who were either disfellowshipped or disassociated and those who identify as LGBTQ and who've experienced and who've experienced some degree of trauma around the journey toward self-acceptance.
However, what I really find refreshing about "I Felt the End Before It Came" is the lack of polish and sheen that Cox provides. He doesn't sugarcoat himself, his experiences, or his struggles but instead lays it all out there in a rather straightforward manner. While many memoirs leave me feeling like the author has selectively laid out all the best parts and all the juicy parts, Cox simply tells us his story.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" focuses largely on two significant areas of Cox's life - a childhood spent as a Jehovah's Witness that largely ended around the age 18 when he disassociated himself after being essentially "outed" and then vividly (and somewhat hilariously) owning that outing and an adulthood where he’s swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography.
Baptized at the age of 13, Cox existed in the cultish world of Jehovah's Witnesses where there's never any question that homosexuality is wrong, holidays and birthdays aren't celebrated because they take the spotlight away from Jehovah, you're advised and counseled by elders with a friendly aura who are watching every move you make and ready to call you out on it, and you've had more than a few traumas from the JW obligation of either going door-to-door or setting up your literature cart in a visible area where you can teach others the truth that leads to eternal life.
A casual comment to a trusted friend led to Cox's eventual disassociation from the JW's, a departure that is given surprisingly little time here even if the aftereffect largely dominates the first half of the book as he deals with organizational trauma and the inevitable "shunning" from certain family members that is a requirement of the JW's (though he also eloquently points out how some others get around it or just plain refuse it).
Having been raised in this environment where traditional societal expectations, for example college, are minimized because they conflict with an absolute commitment to Jehovah, Cox at times feels like he's still processing the experiences as he takes us through his post-JW journey whether that be exploring college, entering the work force, taking up modeling, or learning how to be in relationships and friendships.
By now, it's likely evident that I have a personal connection to the material. While I was never baptized as a JW, I was raised in the "church" (and I use that term lightly) and was active in all of its activities when my entire life was blown up after sexual abuse from a neighbor was identified by an elder as being "homosexual" and I was removed from all church activities. I was infinitely more lucky than Cox in that I wasn't yet baptized (so couldn't really be kicked out) and only my mother was a JW and, as such, I was not shunned by many outside the church. However, as a teen with a disability when all this happened what little social circle I had was gone overnight and it would take me years to sort of find my own path. It would take years to sort out my own identity and to realize that the JW's had, in fact, simply covered up my own abuse in what is now known as a pattern largely perpetuated by elders ill-equipped for the authority they were given.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" is very much a memoir. If you're hoping for a deep exploration of the Jehovah's Witnesses, look elsewhere. Cox certainly shares his own journey, however, the information provided here is rather fundamental and largely well-known for this group that has always been recognized for its adherence to such practices as door-to-door preaching, not observing holidays, refusing blood transfusions, and the occasional end of the world prediction. Likewise, I never quite felt like I understood Cox's journey toward self-awareness as a young man who identifies as queer and who slowly learns how to embrace this identity and himself.
Truthfully, by the end of "I Felt the End Before It Came" I didn't really feel like I knew Daniel Allen Cox that well. I appreciated his journey absolutely, however, I felt like there was still a guardedness (understandably) that kept me from really understanding not just his journey but him.
"I Felt the End Before It Came" is ultimately a powerful story of one man's Armageddon at the hands of a religion that promised salvation but ultimately delivered trauma and destruction. With candor and strong self-awareness, Cox claims his identity and shares his journey largely devoid of histrionics in favor of simple honesty and transparency. It's clear that he's still putting away those long ago teachings, a remarkable testimony to the fact that the lessons we learn in our foundational days linger for years to come.
At times remarkably raw and other times almost poetic, "I Felt the End Before It Came" may, in fact, be closer to the real truth that leads to eternal life than anything Daniel Allen Cox ever experienced as a child.
July 2, 2024
I confess that I was excited to read this because I know very little about Jehovas Witnesses and, while this didn’t paint a pretty picture, I think it’s fair to say that it portrayed it honestly. As a Queer woman who grew up in and out of a conservative religion, I find great comfort in reading about others who got out!
January 1, 2024
Not what I was anticipating. When the title explicitly states ex-Jehovah’s Witness… I was thinking some insider tea would be spilled (kinda like Leah Remini’s Scientology saga).
This was more of a reflection piece. It felt like I was participating in Daniel’s healing process - which was personal and raw, but very unstructured and scattered.
This was more of a reflection piece. It felt like I was participating in Daniel’s healing process - which was personal and raw, but very unstructured and scattered.
June 10, 2023
3.5 Stars
I think my biggest disappointment here is that this is much less memoir than essay collection, which to be clear, is not a bad thing. My expectations just sort of screwed me a bit here. So yeah, I do think “Essays of a Queer Ex-Jehovah’s Witness” would’ve been a better subtitle.
Yes, these essays are memoiric and cover various different points in Cox’s life, these, to me, felt more concerned with ideas and some reflection rather than I guess more traditional memoir storytelling. This wouldn’t have bothered me at all if it weren’t for a few things: a.) I really, really wish there was more use of scene in this collection. It would’ve helped to ground things. b.) not all of these essays really feel ~complete~ to me. There are some that feel like the need some more editing/fine-tuning to have a fully cohesive effect. c.) one or two essays felt like they didn’t quite belong here, which I do think using scene and perhaps even a more linear structure to the essays could’ve really helped with.
All that aside, there are some absolutely BANGER lines in this collection that deserve to be read and mulled over. These small moments of brilliance are so, so nice for different reasons. Just makes me wish they didn’t feel like surprises when they did occur.
I think my biggest disappointment here is that this is much less memoir than essay collection, which to be clear, is not a bad thing. My expectations just sort of screwed me a bit here. So yeah, I do think “Essays of a Queer Ex-Jehovah’s Witness” would’ve been a better subtitle.
Yes, these essays are memoiric and cover various different points in Cox’s life, these, to me, felt more concerned with ideas and some reflection rather than I guess more traditional memoir storytelling. This wouldn’t have bothered me at all if it weren’t for a few things: a.) I really, really wish there was more use of scene in this collection. It would’ve helped to ground things. b.) not all of these essays really feel ~complete~ to me. There are some that feel like the need some more editing/fine-tuning to have a fully cohesive effect. c.) one or two essays felt like they didn’t quite belong here, which I do think using scene and perhaps even a more linear structure to the essays could’ve really helped with.
All that aside, there are some absolutely BANGER lines in this collection that deserve to be read and mulled over. These small moments of brilliance are so, so nice for different reasons. Just makes me wish they didn’t feel like surprises when they did occur.
August 18, 2025
3.5 actual
Nothing wrong with any of the content, and learning a little more about the inner workings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses was interesting, it just wasn’t my favorite memoir I’ve ever read.
Nothing wrong with any of the content, and learning a little more about the inner workings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses was interesting, it just wasn’t my favorite memoir I’ve ever read.
December 12, 2024
5 stars to this amazing book and quite honestly, my favourite book of the year!
I inadvertently stumbled upon this book by searching for the book Cultish on my library website. This book came up and I had to click on it. It was calling to me: religion, queer and Canadian.
This book is composed of multiple stories about Cox's life throughout his years as a JW and ex-JW. The stories seem to flow but they aren't in chronological order. I felt like I got know Cox by reading this memoir while also learning about JW and some Canadian history.
After I read a book, I don't always necessarily feel smarter. But after reading this book, I learned a lot. The author is satirical, thought-provoking, and unassuming.
I am now going to make sure to read all of Cox's other novels. Plus, I am going to purchase this book as I got this copy from the library.
READ THIS BOOK if you like to learn about religion in a humble way, learn why people leave religion and what it was like to be a queer male in the 1990s in Montreal/NY.
THANK YOU!
I inadvertently stumbled upon this book by searching for the book Cultish on my library website. This book came up and I had to click on it. It was calling to me: religion, queer and Canadian.
This book is composed of multiple stories about Cox's life throughout his years as a JW and ex-JW. The stories seem to flow but they aren't in chronological order. I felt like I got know Cox by reading this memoir while also learning about JW and some Canadian history.
After I read a book, I don't always necessarily feel smarter. But after reading this book, I learned a lot. The author is satirical, thought-provoking, and unassuming.
I am now going to make sure to read all of Cox's other novels. Plus, I am going to purchase this book as I got this copy from the library.
READ THIS BOOK if you like to learn about religion in a humble way, learn why people leave religion and what it was like to be a queer male in the 1990s in Montreal/NY.
THANK YOU!
February 28, 2025
super quick read. kind of scattered but who am i to say how someone should tell their story. learned things & valued the queer ex-jw perspective
April 3, 2025
only took me a year. i really liked this. i am very interested in JWs from a cultural standpoint and this explained a lot.
July 13, 2023
Cox's early life was punctuated by rules and prophesies—those of the Jehovah's Witnesses. When he was expelled as a young adult, it was partly devastating and partly a relief; outside the realm of the Witnesses, he was free to fly gay into the world.
This is partly, then, a story of growing up in a cult (his word), partly a story of queer liberation, and partly a fitting together of puzzle pieces of his fiction. Interesting but not really what I was looking for—I've recently discovered that when memoirs start delving into 'and then this experience inspired this novel that I wrote...' my eyes sort of glaze over. It's not a huge part of this book, but (especially since I haven't read any of Cox's fiction and have no real plans to) it was enough to dim my interest. Cox has had an undoubtedly interesting life—I suspect in many ways this is the bare bones of the stories he could tell—but I found myself wishing that he'd hewn more closely to a smaller number of topics, and then perhaps followed up with another work of nonfiction if he'd wanted to explore, e.g., his time in Poland.
Maybe one best suited to readers of Cox's fiction, who might feel the book's reverberations better.
This is partly, then, a story of growing up in a cult (his word), partly a story of queer liberation, and partly a fitting together of puzzle pieces of his fiction. Interesting but not really what I was looking for—I've recently discovered that when memoirs start delving into 'and then this experience inspired this novel that I wrote...' my eyes sort of glaze over. It's not a huge part of this book, but (especially since I haven't read any of Cox's fiction and have no real plans to) it was enough to dim my interest. Cox has had an undoubtedly interesting life—I suspect in many ways this is the bare bones of the stories he could tell—but I found myself wishing that he'd hewn more closely to a smaller number of topics, and then perhaps followed up with another work of nonfiction if he'd wanted to explore, e.g., his time in Poland.
Maybe one best suited to readers of Cox's fiction, who might feel the book's reverberations better.
June 24, 2023
This reads more like an extended college paper, with its absurd number of quotes from other sources, than a memoir. And, it’s not particularly well written. At least it was easy to read in less than a day.
November 11, 2023
1,5 stars.
January 22, 2024
⭐️ 3.5 ⭐️
Embarking on Daniel's audiobook journey was an interesting experience for me, particularly as a Speech and Language Pathologist constantly seeking insightful narratives to enhance my understanding and support for those who stutter. 🚨 Important Note 🚨 this book delves into explicit content, making it suitable only for mature audiences!
Having witnessed Daniel speaking live, I eagerly anticipated his audiobook, admiring his remarkable public speaking abilities despite a significant stutter. The chapters of this memoir unravel various facets of Daniel's life, from being a Jehovah's Witness and queer to embracing roles as an international English teacher, model, porn star, public speaker, and author, among others. While each chapter held its fascination, they were slightly disjointed and jarring at times.
Yearning for a deeper exploration of Daniel's experiences as a person who stutters, I found the author's choice of limiting his experience to a brief chapter not as favourable. I was left craving more insights into this aspect of his journey. Additionally, I was surprised by the scarcity of hesitations and repetitions in the audiobook recording. Preserving more of these moments could have further elevated the authenticity and vulnerability of the narrative.
The audiobook has found a unique place in my collection, showcasing the extraordinary achievements of individuals who stutter. I extend my applause to the author for his work, appreciating the unique perspective he brings to the conversation. Not sure I would recommend it - but I appreciate it for what it is!
Embarking on Daniel's audiobook journey was an interesting experience for me, particularly as a Speech and Language Pathologist constantly seeking insightful narratives to enhance my understanding and support for those who stutter. 🚨 Important Note 🚨 this book delves into explicit content, making it suitable only for mature audiences!
Having witnessed Daniel speaking live, I eagerly anticipated his audiobook, admiring his remarkable public speaking abilities despite a significant stutter. The chapters of this memoir unravel various facets of Daniel's life, from being a Jehovah's Witness and queer to embracing roles as an international English teacher, model, porn star, public speaker, and author, among others. While each chapter held its fascination, they were slightly disjointed and jarring at times.
Yearning for a deeper exploration of Daniel's experiences as a person who stutters, I found the author's choice of limiting his experience to a brief chapter not as favourable. I was left craving more insights into this aspect of his journey. Additionally, I was surprised by the scarcity of hesitations and repetitions in the audiobook recording. Preserving more of these moments could have further elevated the authenticity and vulnerability of the narrative.
The audiobook has found a unique place in my collection, showcasing the extraordinary achievements of individuals who stutter. I extend my applause to the author for his work, appreciating the unique perspective he brings to the conversation. Not sure I would recommend it - but I appreciate it for what it is!
May 24, 2023
Thank you to libro.fm for providing me with an ALC of this audiobook. All opinions are my own.
I know very little of Jehovah's Witnesses outside of a few snippets, such as they are the people who proselytize door-to-door, they don't celebrate birthdays, and they are adamantly opposed to LGBTQIA+ people. So going into this, I was curious to hear a first-hand account of what it was like growing up in this environment and then leaving it.
Cox does a fantastic job of explaining what it was like to grow up as a JW. He also provides insight into what life was like living as a closeted gay in a very insulated culture that views his sexual orientation as a mortal sin. And when he's outed, he discusses how it's dealt with in JW circles, leaving him completely isolated and alone.
But Cox also identifies how JWs operate similarly to a cult, and goes through all of the ways in which they are similar. Leaving the fold sounds like the best thing that has happened to him, as he made his way in the world and listened and learned, essentially deprogramming from all of the harmful beliefs and ways of life that he was indoctrinated into.
Narrated by the author, I loved his unvarnished and completely honest style. He talks about his ups and downs, without sugarcoating anything. This quick audiobook opened a door into a world that I know little about, and the story was compelling enough to make it fly by.
I know very little of Jehovah's Witnesses outside of a few snippets, such as they are the people who proselytize door-to-door, they don't celebrate birthdays, and they are adamantly opposed to LGBTQIA+ people. So going into this, I was curious to hear a first-hand account of what it was like growing up in this environment and then leaving it.
Cox does a fantastic job of explaining what it was like to grow up as a JW. He also provides insight into what life was like living as a closeted gay in a very insulated culture that views his sexual orientation as a mortal sin. And when he's outed, he discusses how it's dealt with in JW circles, leaving him completely isolated and alone.
But Cox also identifies how JWs operate similarly to a cult, and goes through all of the ways in which they are similar. Leaving the fold sounds like the best thing that has happened to him, as he made his way in the world and listened and learned, essentially deprogramming from all of the harmful beliefs and ways of life that he was indoctrinated into.
Narrated by the author, I loved his unvarnished and completely honest style. He talks about his ups and downs, without sugarcoating anything. This quick audiobook opened a door into a world that I know little about, and the story was compelling enough to make it fly by.
August 11, 2024
Loved the first two-thirds, but the tales of sex work in NY felt repetitive and mostly included for shock value? Maybe just not for me. But the leaving JW and navigating life and alcoholism in Montreal were great. I kept several quotes.
“I didn't know how easily I could be betrayed by the adults I trusted, and I wasn't supposed to know. We were taught to fear our own minds, to "reject the goal of independent thinking" so that we wouldn't catch on to the group's cultlike manipulations. So, in darkness I continued.
Not a single time during the 18 years I was a member did anyone tell me to watch out for Jehovah and everything being done in that strange ghost's name.
It was the warning I had needed the most.”
…
“Here [is the 3rd of] the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous: "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." How could this last mantra ever serve people like me or Stephen, who'd probably first turned to drinking because of religion? Many have written about what it means for AA to tell generations of women that they must surrender power. For women in recovery with backgrounds in both subtly and overtly misogynist religions, what power is there left to surrender?”
“I didn't know how easily I could be betrayed by the adults I trusted, and I wasn't supposed to know. We were taught to fear our own minds, to "reject the goal of independent thinking" so that we wouldn't catch on to the group's cultlike manipulations. So, in darkness I continued.
Not a single time during the 18 years I was a member did anyone tell me to watch out for Jehovah and everything being done in that strange ghost's name.
It was the warning I had needed the most.”
…
“Here [is the 3rd of] the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous: "[We] made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." How could this last mantra ever serve people like me or Stephen, who'd probably first turned to drinking because of religion? Many have written about what it means for AA to tell generations of women that they must surrender power. For women in recovery with backgrounds in both subtly and overtly misogynist religions, what power is there left to surrender?”
April 10, 2023
This was a little jumpy at times, but overall I really liked it. Such an interesting memoir about a world I have little knowledge about. There’s a lot of trauma that he worked through and I hope this book was cathartic for him to write. Very well written and very readable.
Thanks to Penguin Canada for an arc of this book. All opinions are my own.
Thanks to Penguin Canada for an arc of this book. All opinions are my own.
March 13, 2024
“I’m angry that I don’t even know how to be angry…”
This book was a slow start to me, it felt unnecessarily graphic and looking for shock value. However, it turned into an inspiring story about leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses behind and becoming yourself. A quick read, clocking in at only 5 hours.
Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️
This book was a slow start to me, it felt unnecessarily graphic and looking for shock value. However, it turned into an inspiring story about leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses behind and becoming yourself. A quick read, clocking in at only 5 hours.
Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️
March 28, 2025
2.5 stars
I feel bad for giving such a low rating, especially on a memoir, but I wanted so much more from this. the whole thing lacked emotional depth - I felt so disconnected from all the people (including the author himself). and most of the book isn’t even about his past as a jehovah’s witness and only has limited mentions of it impacting his thinking
I feel bad for giving such a low rating, especially on a memoir, but I wanted so much more from this. the whole thing lacked emotional depth - I felt so disconnected from all the people (including the author himself). and most of the book isn’t even about his past as a jehovah’s witness and only has limited mentions of it impacting his thinking
January 10, 2023
In writing about his life, Daniel Allen Cox gives us an indelible portrait of a moment in queer history and of his own beautiful mind. It's hard to find nuance and insight in the face of oppression and Daniel did it. He does it! Can't recommend this one enough. Only thing missing was a photo insert.
August 28, 2023
I enjoyed parts of this but had trouble connecting with the essays as a whole. I kept finding myself wanting to like it more than I actually was.
December 25, 2023
Having escaped the nightmare of JW, this took me back and demonstrated how trauma comes up in people's lives and how they cope.
June 9, 2023
Another treasure from one of my favourite Canadian wordsmiths Daniel Allen Cox. I drank in every word.
I had the pleasure of hearing him speak at a local library. I recommend doing this if you never have before. It was a warm, welcoming experience, adding more dimension to Daniel's story.
Part memoir, history lesson and sexual fantasy, you walk through his world and feel pain, joy, empathy and sadness.
Great edition to the Pride canon.
Bravo! Highly recommended.
I had the pleasure of hearing him speak at a local library. I recommend doing this if you never have before. It was a warm, welcoming experience, adding more dimension to Daniel's story.
Part memoir, history lesson and sexual fantasy, you walk through his world and feel pain, joy, empathy and sadness.
Great edition to the Pride canon.
Bravo! Highly recommended.
January 16, 2025
It definitely had its moments that were both powerful and incredibly interesting, but there were some chapters that felt long and out of place. I feel like this would have worked better as a chronological memoir vs. the random collection of essays.
October 13, 2023
I truly struggled through this memoir, it wasn't difficult to read, it was difficult to get into. I respect the struggles and turmoil, however it wasn't easy to keep picking up. I appreciate him sharing his story, and found it quite unique. Unfortunately, there are a lot of queer people who get shunned just because of religion. It's horrible. I still appreciate the story, it was just hard to get into.
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