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How to be an Ex-Footballer
The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain's funniest sporting icon
Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times
'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro
**ASunday TimesSports Book of the Year**
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**
**Longlisted for theTelegraphSports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.
I am Peter Crouch. This isHow To Be A Footballer. Shall we?
Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times
'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro
**ASunday TimesSports Book of the Year**
**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**
**Longlisted for theTelegraphSports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**
You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.
So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.
We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.
I am Peter Crouch. This isHow To Be A Footballer. Shall we?
304 pages, Paperback
Published August 29, 2023
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227 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
October 12, 2024
This book was a good read but moved away from the previous books formula slightly. There was still the occasional witty story and Crouchie still makes you laugh, but as he goes through the book looking at what footballers have done after leaving the game there is a more serious tone. The last chapter talking about the footballers whose lives have gone astray. We know about the sad tale of Gazza but he discusses many more and finishes with a very frank interview with Lee Hendrie.
A good read but don’t expect the fun and laughs of his previous books, still I recommend it to all as a really interesting insight into life after footie.
A good read but don’t expect the fun and laughs of his previous books, still I recommend it to all as a really interesting insight into life after footie.
June 29, 2025
It’s a good read if you’re interested in older footballers and what they’re up to too now but for me I started to lose interest really quick.
April 18, 2024
I know very little about football apart from England won the 1966 World Cup and all the players were running around at the end of the match with their socks round their ankles to alleviate cramp. I had to listen to a lot about football because I taught in Sunderland. It’s serious business there. “My dad says I’m like a stick of Blackpool Rock, I’ve got Sunderland written right through me”. The school even produced a couple of Sunderland players, one of whom managed to score an own goal. His family were practically taken into witness protection!
I really enjoyed this book, the humour, the encyclopaedic knowledge, the honesty of it. I found myself looking up the many, many players mentioned to see what they looked like and more about them. I might even see if I can find some Peter Couch goals on YouTube.
I also appreciate that I now have potential Birthday presents for the many men and women in the family who now get socks but who are football obsessives. Peter Crouch - well done. That Abby person you mention is very lucky.
I really enjoyed this book, the humour, the encyclopaedic knowledge, the honesty of it. I found myself looking up the many, many players mentioned to see what they looked like and more about them. I might even see if I can find some Peter Couch goals on YouTube.
I also appreciate that I now have potential Birthday presents for the many men and women in the family who now get socks but who are football obsessives. Peter Crouch - well done. That Abby person you mention is very lucky.
July 17, 2024
Very good, but I prefer his first
August 22, 2023
Reposted from CB Book Reviews on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/p/CwQ30H7ND...
As previously mentioned at the end of my first ever book review, I have happily returned for a third instalment by every football fan’s favourite robot podcast host.
Similar to his previous two books, and in his typical comedic charm style, Peter provides anecdotes from his playing days to shed light on some of the characters he has encountered behind the scenes of some of English football’s biggest clubs.
Crouch uses each of his chapters to discuss a different subject. Where in previous books this would have been topics such as teammates, managers or tactics and told from his own personal experiences; in comparison and as mentioned in the title, this book focuses on the period once the money stops, the crowds go silent and the boots are hung by their laces to answer the question “what does a retired footballer do?”.
Across 16 Chapters and 275 Pages, Peter Crouch builds the reader a picture of the character that he has come to know through tales from throughout his career, or his perception and experience from afar for others, during their “main and more famous career” of being a footballer. He then shines a light on their diverse and interesting secondary career choices, from those that we know and recognise from our own consumption of football coverage, to those with more surprising endeavours which we are less familiar; interviewing many to get their take on their motivations.
In conclusion I found this to once again be a funny, warm hearted, easily read book delivered with typical Peter Crouch style, which broaches the subject of footballers in their post-retirement life. I felt this bisected his previous books in that it wasn’t quite as good as his first, but on a par or slightly better than his second. I would be open and keen to read a 4th book should he choose to write one.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CwQ30H7ND...
As previously mentioned at the end of my first ever book review, I have happily returned for a third instalment by every football fan’s favourite robot podcast host.
Similar to his previous two books, and in his typical comedic charm style, Peter provides anecdotes from his playing days to shed light on some of the characters he has encountered behind the scenes of some of English football’s biggest clubs.
Crouch uses each of his chapters to discuss a different subject. Where in previous books this would have been topics such as teammates, managers or tactics and told from his own personal experiences; in comparison and as mentioned in the title, this book focuses on the period once the money stops, the crowds go silent and the boots are hung by their laces to answer the question “what does a retired footballer do?”.
Across 16 Chapters and 275 Pages, Peter Crouch builds the reader a picture of the character that he has come to know through tales from throughout his career, or his perception and experience from afar for others, during their “main and more famous career” of being a footballer. He then shines a light on their diverse and interesting secondary career choices, from those that we know and recognise from our own consumption of football coverage, to those with more surprising endeavours which we are less familiar; interviewing many to get their take on their motivations.
In conclusion I found this to once again be a funny, warm hearted, easily read book delivered with typical Peter Crouch style, which broaches the subject of footballers in their post-retirement life. I felt this bisected his previous books in that it wasn’t quite as good as his first, but on a par or slightly better than his second. I would be open and keen to read a 4th book should he choose to write one.
June 18, 2023
I am mainly Booker prize novels but occasionally a combination of work demands and the brain needing a rest mean I read around my other hobbies such as football and kayaking.
Another reviewer describes this an an autobiography; it isn't. The theme is "what footballers (and other elite athletes) do after the stop playing" and includes Crouch himself, but the man is fairly humble and self-deprecating, so focuses on other people as much as he does on himself.
The format is pleasantly original - each chapter a different type of career or vocation that an ex footballer might choose. He has a journalist helper, Tom Fordyce, who he teams up with very successfully on his Podcast. I enjoyed the chapters on Artists, Actors and Entrepreneurs. Crouch infuses each chapter with his own humour and I have to say I laughed out loud quite a lot, which, given the work demands mentioned earlier, made it a great diversion.
Another reviewer describes this an an autobiography; it isn't. The theme is "what footballers (and other elite athletes) do after the stop playing" and includes Crouch himself, but the man is fairly humble and self-deprecating, so focuses on other people as much as he does on himself.
The format is pleasantly original - each chapter a different type of career or vocation that an ex footballer might choose. He has a journalist helper, Tom Fordyce, who he teams up with very successfully on his Podcast. I enjoyed the chapters on Artists, Actors and Entrepreneurs. Crouch infuses each chapter with his own humour and I have to say I laughed out loud quite a lot, which, given the work demands mentioned earlier, made it a great diversion.
March 20, 2023
Peter Crouch’s 3rd book is another examination of the lives of football players presented in Crouch’s inimitable style. Crouch is an adequate TV pundit, no better or worse than some of his colleagues on BT Sports, but what he does have that some of the others don’t have is a sense of humour. You get the impression he doesn’t take himself too seriously. For that reason he is one of the more entertaining of the bunch. If you don’t agree with his assessment of the game he’ll still make you laugh.
However How to be an Ex Footballer as well as having its expected fill of funny anecdotes also has a darker side. It is a cautionary tale of the pitfalls of life after the final whistle when the ridiculous amounts of money disappear as quickly as the chants from the adoring crowds.
‘You stroll up to a nite club as player league player and you’re straight in, no queuing, no paying, no hassle, people want to buy you drinks. They want to be your friend… then you finish and your invisible, no one cares. You go from 50’000 people singing your name every week to struggling to get a table in pizza express’
For the unprepared it can be daunting prospect hanging up your boots. It is sobering to learn that ‘around 40% of ex players go bankrupt in the first 5 years after quitting, a 3rd get divorced.’
Peter himself has managed to sidestep some of those pitfalls with his success as a pundit along with his podcasts and of course his books. In this book he examines some of the ways other ex players have also successfully forged a new life after their careers ended.
It is a well researched book, he has spoken to quite a few ex players to compile for what is for the most part an entertaining read. The anecdotes both funny, Tina Asprilla’s condom range has got be seen to be believed, as Peter suggests, google it and look at the expression on his face on the box! and the revealing. Although it has to be said some sections are more entertaining than others, I didn’t find the chapters on politicians or owners held my interest as much as the ones on pundits, grafters or mavericks for example. The chapter on financiers though is the highlight of the book. It’s difficult to have sympathy for someone who was paid tens of thousands of pounds a week and lived a life filled with mansions and flash cars for not having the insight to prepare for the future. However as Crouch points out it isn’t totally ‘the fault of the player, it’s the people around him taking advantage.’ Give a teenager who grew up in the less fortunate areas of an inner city £40’000 a week and it shouldn’t be too much of a shock when the inevitable happens.
So within the pages of this book we have stories from the likes of Neil Warnock, Eric Cantina and Vinnie Jones for example as they set out on a new career in such occupations as coaches, actors, restauranteurs, insurance salesman, painter and decorators, undertakers, fruit & veg sellers, preachers and even detectives.
In conclusion How to be an Ex Footballer is an entertaining and informative read. There are however less interesting sections where the flow stalls a bit and it does peter out somewhat towards the end (no pun intended). Although it does pick up with the final chapter with more sobering accounts, this time concerning mental health and in particular the experiences of Aston Villa’s Lee Hendry.
I listened to the penguin audio version of this book and wasn’t as impressed with the presentation of that. It is disappointing to find that Peter only narrates the prologue, it would’ve been nice the hear him tell all the stories. Also my copy had be inexplicably partially censored with some expletives ‘bleeped out’, but then later on that same expletive is left untouched. It was bizarre and irritating, also there was no mention of this before you bought the book. So that was a disappointment.
However How to be an Ex Footballer as well as having its expected fill of funny anecdotes also has a darker side. It is a cautionary tale of the pitfalls of life after the final whistle when the ridiculous amounts of money disappear as quickly as the chants from the adoring crowds.
‘You stroll up to a nite club as player league player and you’re straight in, no queuing, no paying, no hassle, people want to buy you drinks. They want to be your friend… then you finish and your invisible, no one cares. You go from 50’000 people singing your name every week to struggling to get a table in pizza express’
For the unprepared it can be daunting prospect hanging up your boots. It is sobering to learn that ‘around 40% of ex players go bankrupt in the first 5 years after quitting, a 3rd get divorced.’
Peter himself has managed to sidestep some of those pitfalls with his success as a pundit along with his podcasts and of course his books. In this book he examines some of the ways other ex players have also successfully forged a new life after their careers ended.
It is a well researched book, he has spoken to quite a few ex players to compile for what is for the most part an entertaining read. The anecdotes both funny, Tina Asprilla’s condom range has got be seen to be believed, as Peter suggests, google it and look at the expression on his face on the box! and the revealing. Although it has to be said some sections are more entertaining than others, I didn’t find the chapters on politicians or owners held my interest as much as the ones on pundits, grafters or mavericks for example. The chapter on financiers though is the highlight of the book. It’s difficult to have sympathy for someone who was paid tens of thousands of pounds a week and lived a life filled with mansions and flash cars for not having the insight to prepare for the future. However as Crouch points out it isn’t totally ‘the fault of the player, it’s the people around him taking advantage.’ Give a teenager who grew up in the less fortunate areas of an inner city £40’000 a week and it shouldn’t be too much of a shock when the inevitable happens.
So within the pages of this book we have stories from the likes of Neil Warnock, Eric Cantina and Vinnie Jones for example as they set out on a new career in such occupations as coaches, actors, restauranteurs, insurance salesman, painter and decorators, undertakers, fruit & veg sellers, preachers and even detectives.
In conclusion How to be an Ex Footballer is an entertaining and informative read. There are however less interesting sections where the flow stalls a bit and it does peter out somewhat towards the end (no pun intended). Although it does pick up with the final chapter with more sobering accounts, this time concerning mental health and in particular the experiences of Aston Villa’s Lee Hendry.
I listened to the penguin audio version of this book and wasn’t as impressed with the presentation of that. It is disappointing to find that Peter only narrates the prologue, it would’ve been nice the hear him tell all the stories. Also my copy had be inexplicably partially censored with some expletives ‘bleeped out’, but then later on that same expletive is left untouched. It was bizarre and irritating, also there was no mention of this before you bought the book. So that was a disappointment.
January 6, 2025
A reasonably funny book on how to retire from football and be an ex-football player. Crouch is a self-effacing person who is certainly not afraid to laugh at himself. This is the person who when asked what he would have been if not a footballer and he replied a virgin. Crouch has done two things’ men can only dream of; play for England and marry Abbey Clancy.
Throughout the book Peter Crouch guides is through some of the options for a footballer once they have finished their career. This includes all the usual suspects of coaching and management along with football punditry but there are only so many of those jobs to go round. He also speaks to people who have achieved this, some are even successful.
Some have become financiers and those who have not. To those who have made successes of second and third careers after football and those who have not. Always pointing out that there are plenty of vultures who hang around footballers and disappear when things are going wrong. All those vultures looking for a piece of a premier league players.
He also explains how lonely it can be when you are no longer Saturday’s hero. This is a funny book though there should be a public health warning for the picture of Tino as he hits the vinegar strokes.
Throughout the book Peter Crouch guides is through some of the options for a footballer once they have finished their career. This includes all the usual suspects of coaching and management along with football punditry but there are only so many of those jobs to go round. He also speaks to people who have achieved this, some are even successful.
Some have become financiers and those who have not. To those who have made successes of second and third careers after football and those who have not. Always pointing out that there are plenty of vultures who hang around footballers and disappear when things are going wrong. All those vultures looking for a piece of a premier league players.
He also explains how lonely it can be when you are no longer Saturday’s hero. This is a funny book though there should be a public health warning for the picture of Tino as he hits the vinegar strokes.
August 31, 2023
As jobs go, being a professional football player isn't the worst. The hours are good, you get to do something fun and you get very well paid. But what about when this relatively short career is over? This is the subject of Peter Crouch's third book How To Be An Ex-Footballer (2022) where the ex-Liverpool and England star discusses his own transition into media success but dives deep into case studies of other former pros stories, what options they had and the various roads they've taken. Some are obvious; coaching, managing, punditry but some are more diverse such as Timo Apsrilla developing his own brand of condoms or Gavin Peacock turning his back on the game to become a church minister in Canada. Some of the stories don't have happy endings and Crouch suggests that better education and awareness for young pros are a must. Crouch's writing style and warm, self-deprecating humour flows from the pages but by the end of this book, I wondered if this wouldn't have made for an even better documentary. There is a lot here for football fans but even more for footballers themselves.
September 26, 2023
Just as there are books being written to be turned into screenplays, there are definitely books that are written to be listened to as opposed to read. Considering Crouch is a successful podcaster, it's not surprising that it is such clear audio book material.
The source material is promising. How do you cope with life after one of the best jobs possible and the twin highs of competition and earning almost unfathomable amounts of money? Many footballers don't cope well at all, with almost 40% going bankrupt within five years of retirement. Time on their hands can also leave time for various addictions to creep in. Those facts are mentioned, but this book is more about the more entertaining things footballers have gone on to do, whether it's a career in art or releasing their own range of condoms.
This is the third book Crouch has been involved with and the realm of diminishing returns has clearly been reached. There is a lot of filler here, but in amongst that are some entertaining nuggets.
The source material is promising. How do you cope with life after one of the best jobs possible and the twin highs of competition and earning almost unfathomable amounts of money? Many footballers don't cope well at all, with almost 40% going bankrupt within five years of retirement. Time on their hands can also leave time for various addictions to creep in. Those facts are mentioned, but this book is more about the more entertaining things footballers have gone on to do, whether it's a career in art or releasing their own range of condoms.
This is the third book Crouch has been involved with and the realm of diminishing returns has clearly been reached. There is a lot of filler here, but in amongst that are some entertaining nuggets.
August 17, 2024
I have to confess that I'm not really a football fan; rugby is more my cup of tea (sorry Crouchy.) I will also confess that I never really thought about what happens to a football player, or indeed any sports person, when they retire. So what does happen to a football player when he hangs up his boots?
How To Be An Ex-Footballer answers that question in spades. Crouch shares many stories of ex footballers and the career paths they followed after retiring from football. Some are hilarious, others are sad beyond words.
This is certainly a thought provoking book. Any misconceptions I had about footballers have certainly been put to bed.
I like Peter Crouch. He has a wonderful sense of humour, he doesn't take himself too seriously, and he can write a book about life after football that will have you laughing uproariously one minute, and crying into your coffee cup the next.
How To Be An Ex-Footballer answers that question in spades. Crouch shares many stories of ex footballers and the career paths they followed after retiring from football. Some are hilarious, others are sad beyond words.
This is certainly a thought provoking book. Any misconceptions I had about footballers have certainly been put to bed.
I like Peter Crouch. He has a wonderful sense of humour, he doesn't take himself too seriously, and he can write a book about life after football that will have you laughing uproariously one minute, and crying into your coffee cup the next.
March 3, 2025
Peter Crouch's third book in the how to be a footballer series in not as good as the others but still an enjoyable read. This book discusses the careers a player may take up after retirement from football. There are some interesting stories in this book but the other how to be a footballer books have many more. There's also a lot of quotes in this book from others. Some of which I felt were too long and occasionally I was reading and thought that Crouch had continued but it was actually still the quote being continued in another paragraph. I also felt that a lot of this book was already in his previous books. Having only finished reading his I Robot book just before starting this one, I felt he had ran out of stuff to discuss and so therefore, there was some repeating. Overall, this book was a good read. There's some funny stories and some emotional ones too.
May 24, 2025
First 2 were definitely more entertaining, but I was left in a more ponderous mood at the end for this edition.
Definitely a different type of tone as compared to the first two. More insightful, where the focus isn't that much on Crouch himself, but more on the stories of other retired professionals.
It definitely lacks the volume of witty and wacky stories from Crouchie's own experiences, but it was also fascinating to know what happens after the glitz and glamour of a football (or athletic) career is over. Some people mellow down, others actually went on to bigger things, but there's also those that fall through the cracks.
Overall, a decently enjoyable read for anyone who's into football.
Definitely a different type of tone as compared to the first two. More insightful, where the focus isn't that much on Crouch himself, but more on the stories of other retired professionals.
It definitely lacks the volume of witty and wacky stories from Crouchie's own experiences, but it was also fascinating to know what happens after the glitz and glamour of a football (or athletic) career is over. Some people mellow down, others actually went on to bigger things, but there's also those that fall through the cracks.
Overall, a decently enjoyable read for anyone who's into football.
October 16, 2023
Important for audiobook listeners, this book is NOT narrated by Crouchy unlike his others. He’s in the prologue and epilogue, but the rest is narrated by someone else entirely.
It’s still good, but gets confusing when he’s reciting a conversation (in the first person) with another ex-pro, whilst referring to himself as Peter Crouch. It gets a bit messy.
Otherwise, it’s a really interesting look into a number of other peoples post-football careers and pretty touching at times too.
I wont rush to re-read like I have Crouchy’s other books, but it’s still good for anyone who’s read his previous.
It’s still good, but gets confusing when he’s reciting a conversation (in the first person) with another ex-pro, whilst referring to himself as Peter Crouch. It gets a bit messy.
Otherwise, it’s a really interesting look into a number of other peoples post-football careers and pretty touching at times too.
I wont rush to re-read like I have Crouchy’s other books, but it’s still good for anyone who’s read his previous.
November 6, 2022
Are there too many questions asked by the author in this book? Is Tom Fordyce's hand obviously on the tiller here? Is this a difficult third book where the best idea comes in the epilogue: think of a retired footballer and make it their day. That book, a list of 365 Forgotten Footballers, would be better than this. No wonder it was delayed a year.
September 9, 2023
Peter crouch has a nice style of writing and a good sense of humour. The book examines life post football using types of job as chapter themes. He has clearly interviewed a number of former footballing pals and it comes across as an insightful read. Not as funny as his podcast as it’s a bit patchy but interesting non the less
January 16, 2024
Listened on audiobook. I think my favourite of his three books so far. I found it incredibly interesting listening to all the stories of what former players from different eras have got up to post football. I really enjoying the contribution from said players, it really added a lot to each chapter. Great read.
January 2, 2023
I really enjoyed this book. Well written and laugh out loud funny in parts. Thought provoking in others. I would recommend all young and upcoming football professionals read the last poignant chapter of this book at least. excellent read.
January 3, 2023
If I could give 3.5 stars I would. The book is a decent read and is well written but there are parts that don’t come across too well. That said, the last chapter is excellent and gives a good insight into mental health struggles.
March 18, 2023
Arguably the best of Crouch’s books. Like another reviewer, Crouchy not reading the audiobook himself is a bit disappointing. And also agree that it was difficult to determine which bits were Crouchy and which bits were those he had written about.
March 30, 2023
This was a decent book and certainly there were some touching moments as well as laugh out loud moments.
However, only giving it 3 stars as I felt there was a lot of filler.
Not as good as Crouchie’s other books but still worth picking up.
However, only giving it 3 stars as I felt there was a lot of filler.
Not as good as Crouchie’s other books but still worth picking up.
June 9, 2023
I gave 4 stars to his two previous books. This one was still quite enjoyable but a bit less funny stories and a bit less banter. Still some, but I found the topics a little mundane at times. Still great read though.
June 29, 2023
Enjoyed all of Peter's books so far, easy to read and a peek behind the curtain of such a vast world that everyone thinks they know already. Personally I prefer The Secret Footballers collection but Crouch being able to put names to stories and his own laidback style is a great touch.
December 11, 2022
Good fun... surprised Mick Channon wasn't mentioned.
January 13, 2023
Got this as a Christmas present. Thought provoking, funny, and interesting.
By the end of the second chapter I’d ordered his previous two books.
By the end of the second chapter I’d ordered his previous two books.
February 19, 2023
Short, easy read but nothing special
April 11, 2023
The best one of the series. Both funny and emotional (the ending is brilliant!) and with the biggest amount of research put into it.
April 24, 2023
Avoid the audiobook. Not read by Crouch, really detracts
June 11, 2023
He's big he's red, his feet stick out the bed! Loved this man when he played for Liverpool and I've loved reading all 3 of his books.
August 20, 2023
I read this book in a evening (well finished it just after midnight) and it was a joyful read. It is written in a causal style and is funny and insightful. Would recommend
Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews