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Affairs
Part of The School of Life's Love series, Affairs delves into the question of affairs and why they happen so oftenOne in four people will be involved in an affair during their lifetime. Rather than condemning affairs as morally corrupt, this book helps us understand them.Society tells us that affairs are unequivocally bad. Our culture casts those who engage in them as monsters, and their victims as deserving of unending sympathy. But most of us will be involved in an affair during our lifetimes. This book ventures beyond the cultural caricatures and provides psychological context for this entirely common occurrence. This book seeks to help us through affairs, offering couples a better understanding of each other's motivations and moods-and the practical tools needed to save a relationship.
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
62 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 23, 2020
19 people are currently reading
340 people want to read
About the author
The School of Life
173 books3,140 followersThe School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
December 13, 2020
Some never intended for anything to happen. Others had all the intentions, but couldn't handle the repercussions. Affairs aren't for everyone. Insightful.
December 13, 2019
“Whatever be the pain or benefits of an affair, it does cure us once and for all from a tendency to moralise. We should thereafter never be able to feel impervious and superior when hearing of certain insane things that others have done in the name of love or desire. We ...can have no more illusions as to our own purity or steadiness of mind.”
Fascinating historical perspective of marriage and infidelity. The psychoanalysis of affairs, both from the point of view of perpetrators and victims is nuanced and credible. The entire book’s narrative seemed really logical, thoughtful and sensitive.
But at the very end, the book concludes with what felt like a bizarre bad ending. The author seems to advocate that it is ok to lie to your partner about an affair in the interest of “preserving a greater truth” that you love them. What?
Also, the assertion they make for an “ideal world” is a polyamorous setup with a primary relationship and transient secondary sexual relationships. While this may be the author’s personal preference for their life, it felt like a naive conclusion to label this as a universal ideal for everyone. Not to mention that it negated their own well-rendered narrative of how affairs typically have far more to do with a craving for emotional intimacy than sexual desire.
Fascinating historical perspective of marriage and infidelity. The psychoanalysis of affairs, both from the point of view of perpetrators and victims is nuanced and credible. The entire book’s narrative seemed really logical, thoughtful and sensitive.
But at the very end, the book concludes with what felt like a bizarre bad ending. The author seems to advocate that it is ok to lie to your partner about an affair in the interest of “preserving a greater truth” that you love them. What?
Also, the assertion they make for an “ideal world” is a polyamorous setup with a primary relationship and transient secondary sexual relationships. While this may be the author’s personal preference for their life, it felt like a naive conclusion to label this as a universal ideal for everyone. Not to mention that it negated their own well-rendered narrative of how affairs typically have far more to do with a craving for emotional intimacy than sexual desire.
September 18, 2020
After reading this book, I realized how little I understand human romantic relationships. This book provides historical story, psychological insight, and very useful life advices. I believe even some adults will never have this all figured out. I am glad I have found this book at my age. And I will definitely check out other books in this series too.
July 30, 2023
insightful
June 29, 2025
I’ve enjoyed The School of Life content since my teenage years. Recently, I found myself reflecting on the idea that people don’t cheat simply out of sudden physical temptation — but often because of deeper emotional conditions. So when I came across this small book, I knew I had to get it.
The beginning of the book offers a thoughtful exploration of the different motives behind infidelity. Of all the reasons it discusses, one idea stood out to me most:
The book also does a great job of exploring the psychological benefits of an affair for the person who cheats. Instead of focusing on shallow pleasure or lust, it tries to explain the internal, emotional motives, why someone might feel more alive, more seen, more themselves or even kinder in the context of an affair. It even goes as far as to suggest that a marriage itself might benefit from the effects of an affair. Considering how widespread infidelity is, and how often cheaters get away with it, these points do feel relevant, even if a bit controversial.
Where the book lost me, though, was in the section about how to prevent affairs or recover from them. Much of that felt impractical or, at best, overly optimistic. The idea that the betrayed person is simply jealous misses the deeper issue: the betrayal. A partner could’ve always chosen to come clean about their dissatisfaction instead of quietly crossing a line and involving someone else.
The book argues that it’s possible to cheat and still love your partner, and that, in some cases, protecting them from the truth is more loving than being fully honest.
I can’t fully agree. If someone truly loved and respected their partner, I don’t believe they’d risk doing something that could belittle, humiliate, or emotionally degrade them. Love, at the very least, demands accountability.
One thing I wish the book explored more deeply was the perspective of the other person, the one someone cheats with. Why do they get involved? What do they experience or expect to gain? That layer felt missing.
Still, this was a very insightful read. I can see how it might help someone who finds themselves on the verge of, or already in, an affair-like situation. And I loved the closing section:
The beginning of the book offers a thoughtful exploration of the different motives behind infidelity. Of all the reasons it discusses, one idea stood out to me most:
"The start of an affair should not be equated with the moment when two straying people meet. Affairs begin long before there is anyone to have an affair with. Their origins lie with certain, initially minute fissures that open up within a subtly fracturing couple. The affair predates, possibly by many years, the arrival of any actual lover."
The book also does a great job of exploring the psychological benefits of an affair for the person who cheats. Instead of focusing on shallow pleasure or lust, it tries to explain the internal, emotional motives, why someone might feel more alive, more seen, more themselves or even kinder in the context of an affair. It even goes as far as to suggest that a marriage itself might benefit from the effects of an affair. Considering how widespread infidelity is, and how often cheaters get away with it, these points do feel relevant, even if a bit controversial.
Where the book lost me, though, was in the section about how to prevent affairs or recover from them. Much of that felt impractical or, at best, overly optimistic. The idea that the betrayed person is simply jealous misses the deeper issue: the betrayal. A partner could’ve always chosen to come clean about their dissatisfaction instead of quietly crossing a line and involving someone else.
The book argues that it’s possible to cheat and still love your partner, and that, in some cases, protecting them from the truth is more loving than being fully honest.
“For almost all of us, the news 'I spent a night with a colleague from the Singapore office (which is true) has to end up meaning 'I don't love you anymore' (which is not true at all). And so we have to say, 'I didn't sleep with anyone' (which is untrue), in the name of securing the greater idea, 'I still love you' (which is overwhelmingly true).Telling the truth isn't a matter of the sentence-by-sentence veracity of one's words; it's a matter of ensuring that, after one has spoken, the other person can be left with a true picture of reality.”
I can’t fully agree. If someone truly loved and respected their partner, I don’t believe they’d risk doing something that could belittle, humiliate, or emotionally degrade them. Love, at the very least, demands accountability.
One thing I wish the book explored more deeply was the perspective of the other person, the one someone cheats with. Why do they get involved? What do they experience or expect to gain? That layer felt missing.
Still, this was a very insightful read. I can see how it might help someone who finds themselves on the verge of, or already in, an affair-like situation. And I loved the closing section:
"Whatever its benefits and pains, being involved in an affair should, if nothing else, once and for all, cure us of any tendency to moralise — that is, to look harshly and with strict judgement on the misdemeanours and follies of others."
September 9, 2025
Shameless wee quickie to get the reading goal numbers up 👀
This book was intriguing in some sense, encouraging a more thoughtful reflection on the origins of affairs and how they may not destroy relationships, but I couldn’t get on board with the many sections that seem to not only justify but encourage infidelity. Each to their own I suppose, but I felt the underlying tone of this book proposed that the victim take responsibility for why the partner has cheated and predominantly absolved the cheater of their actions. Every relationship is unique, and maybe it’s just my own insecurities and resistances to non-monogamous activity that rejected large portions of this book, but I disagree with the immense overcorrection of the vilification of cheaters that this book proposed.
Also a side note, where the hell are the references in here?? In my eyes there is an illegitimacy to a text that claims to ‘delve into the question of what being unfaithful means’ and then spends its time spewing a stream of consciousness of what they the author (who isn’t named, instead just ‘the school of life’) believes to be the origins and functions of affairs. I’d have liked to have seen from where the author(s) were drawing the bases of their arguments rather than just presenting them as facts. Sweeping statements are regularly made about how “we”, referring to all of us, feel and respond to specific examples of infidelity. How does the author know how “we” would behave? From where have they concluded this? The result was vigorous head nodding whenever I encountered a paragraph which reinforced or spoke to my preconceptions of the subject and intense discomfort and frustration when encountering one that I fundamentally disagreed with. Whether or not you enjoy this book will largely come down to whether or not you already agree with the arguments being presented, as no time is dedicated to explaining how and why the author(s) have come to these conclusions.
This book was intriguing in some sense, encouraging a more thoughtful reflection on the origins of affairs and how they may not destroy relationships, but I couldn’t get on board with the many sections that seem to not only justify but encourage infidelity. Each to their own I suppose, but I felt the underlying tone of this book proposed that the victim take responsibility for why the partner has cheated and predominantly absolved the cheater of their actions. Every relationship is unique, and maybe it’s just my own insecurities and resistances to non-monogamous activity that rejected large portions of this book, but I disagree with the immense overcorrection of the vilification of cheaters that this book proposed.
Also a side note, where the hell are the references in here?? In my eyes there is an illegitimacy to a text that claims to ‘delve into the question of what being unfaithful means’ and then spends its time spewing a stream of consciousness of what they the author (who isn’t named, instead just ‘the school of life’) believes to be the origins and functions of affairs. I’d have liked to have seen from where the author(s) were drawing the bases of their arguments rather than just presenting them as facts. Sweeping statements are regularly made about how “we”, referring to all of us, feel and respond to specific examples of infidelity. How does the author know how “we” would behave? From where have they concluded this? The result was vigorous head nodding whenever I encountered a paragraph which reinforced or spoke to my preconceptions of the subject and intense discomfort and frustration when encountering one that I fundamentally disagreed with. Whether or not you enjoy this book will largely come down to whether or not you already agree with the arguments being presented, as no time is dedicated to explaining how and why the author(s) have come to these conclusions.
January 16, 2024
read in two hours, this book had a lot of ups and downs for me. at times I felt like it was brilliant and worthy of 5 stars, at times it was a 2-star book for me. Some parts, specifically the chapter "how to reduce the risk of affairs", I felt have good intentions but will not bring the desired results. communication, especially when it comes to hurt feelings, needs to be dealt with very delicately and assertively. I think this one chapter is very dangerous for relationships. but then the chapter "how to handle the desire for affairs" had so many good ideas and analysis that I loved. I think this book did a good job at identifying who are the best candidates for affairs and at analysing the reasons behind them, but not that good of a job at giving remedy. it was fine, I was hoping for a muuuuch deeper dive into relationships. for example, I wish there was mention of how to deal with a partner who has cheated and how to understand them. there was more focus on personal understanding of the person who committed the cheating. still important, but not well rounded enough for me.
September 2, 2021
"An affair puts our vagabond romantic imaginations usefully to the test; it challenges our unfair, sentimental suspicions that the pain and melancholy we sometimes feel is specifically the fault of our partner, rather than a general feature of existence. We may not always be happy with our long-term companion but – the affair teaches us – nor would we invariably be happy with anyone else either. That all relationships are complicated and in certain ways unsatisfying may be the wisest lesson that we can pull out of the burning troubled embers of an affair."
I really like his world-view. And I believe he's right. When a relationship is in a high-tension state, we inevitably think that maybe someone else is the answer.
I really like his world-view. And I believe he's right. When a relationship is in a high-tension state, we inevitably think that maybe someone else is the answer.
November 8, 2019
So.... A little book.... I was caught by surprise when I saw how petite it was. But within the first 20 small pages I was instantly hooked. Starts off with how we view affairs now as opposed to the pre romantic time of 1750. From there, it rushes headlong into how we succumbed to the temptation of entertaining the possibility of an illicit resource.
What I enjoyed immensely about this book is the humorous takes and more importantly, the objectivity enumerated of our fallacy to adjust to the foibles of human needs and our insufferable complex desires for connection, restraint and novelty, etc that makes some of us willing and hopeless individuals to affair making. But aside from these, some are just douchbags who can't seem to keep it in their pants. ☺️
This book is a perfect gift for any occasion! But maybe not for the recently matrimonially wounded and betrayed.
What I enjoyed immensely about this book is the humorous takes and more importantly, the objectivity enumerated of our fallacy to adjust to the foibles of human needs and our insufferable complex desires for connection, restraint and novelty, etc that makes some of us willing and hopeless individuals to affair making. But aside from these, some are just douchbags who can't seem to keep it in their pants. ☺️
This book is a perfect gift for any occasion! But maybe not for the recently matrimonially wounded and betrayed.
December 9, 2023
Got this book four years ago along with a bunch of other School of Life books and randomly found it again, immediately re-read it in like 90 minutes (very short book).
It's not just about affairs and the history and psychology behind them, but also about love and desire in general, confidence, freedom, secrecy vs. honesty, and how successful couples communicate and treat each other. By far the most insightful and empathic advice I've seen. The book looks at different possible perspectives with the corresponding thought processes and emotional reactions.
Essential book for anyone who is in a relationship or ever planning to get into one.
It's not just about affairs and the history and psychology behind them, but also about love and desire in general, confidence, freedom, secrecy vs. honesty, and how successful couples communicate and treat each other. By far the most insightful and empathic advice I've seen. The book looks at different possible perspectives with the corresponding thought processes and emotional reactions.
Essential book for anyone who is in a relationship or ever planning to get into one.
December 19, 2024
Despite knowing the general philosophic stance of The School of Life, I am still disappointed that this work leapt from 'Understanding the Adulterer' to 'Sympathy for the Adulterer' to 'Encouragement of Adultery'. Still, the work does possess a realistic insight into the nature of relationship which illuminates marriage and long-term partnerships. Frankly, as insightful as those passages were, I believe this book is more dangerous than it seems.
Rather than being glad that I read this book, I am glad that I did not have this book in my youth.
Avoid this book. It is more likely to harm than heal.
Rather than being glad that I read this book, I am glad that I did not have this book in my youth.
Avoid this book. It is more likely to harm than heal.
December 19, 2022
A very short book about a very interesting topic, how the writer managed to make it seem long and boring I have no idea. I personally think the biggest issue for me was expectation, I thought it may have included some first hand accounts of both sides of an affair. Unfortunately it’s quite a dry summary of all the possible reasons the writer thinks a person may have an affair (not taking into account any innately malicious reason) and why it’s always both parties fault. Ultimately I think this lacked interest, real examples and emotional nuance.
June 28, 2023
This is a fast read and presents some interesting ideas. However, it is far too reductive and completely ignores power dynamics in both sex and relationships in the historical past and now.
Several of the economic reasons for affairs or allowing affairs are completely ignored, and the ideal of prostitution is ridiculous and impossible.
Clearly, this was written by someone straight. LGBTQAI folks have far more flexibility in our thinking.
Several of the economic reasons for affairs or allowing affairs are completely ignored, and the ideal of prostitution is ridiculous and impossible.
Clearly, this was written by someone straight. LGBTQAI folks have far more flexibility in our thinking.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 16, 2023
Over "Erotic loneliness" en andere motoren achter affaires die vaak drie jaar eerder beginnen dan die ene bewuste avond aan de bar met een ander.
Mooi betoog om verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor het voeden van emotionele connectie, de relatie weg te houden van een "affair ready state".
Love you Alain
Mooi betoog om verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor het voeden van emotionele connectie, de relatie weg te houden van een "affair ready state".
Love you Alain
September 13, 2023
I still am not sure how to feel about this book. I disagree with parts, but others are quite enlightening, and there is a lot of information dedicated to helping prevent affairs, which is actually quite constructive and useful. I don’t want to vote this book low because I disagree with parts, though. It is well written and informative.
August 25, 2021
I thought the book was interesting. Some points in the book I didn't agree with but overall it was an interesting read. I also enjoyed the fact that the book wasn't long at all.
March 4, 2022
Very interestingly argued and supported…not sure if I necessarily agree with all of its points, but it nonetheless provided a sort of engaging challenge mentally.
September 6, 2024
Just read it in a bookstore. Has some nice tips, would recommend
April 23, 2025
Didn’t find what I was looking for in this book. Found myself scrunched my eyebrows quite lots of times while reading this one. Kinda disappointed with this one, School of Life.
July 24, 2025
Intriguing and very much accurate observation on the matter except there are hedonistic world view and suggestions to the concept of relationship.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews