Take Your Own Advice: Learn to Trust Your Inner Voice and Start Helping Yourself

by Jeffrey Marsh

For those who are givers, carers, and empaths, a guide to focusing that energy on yourself--even if that feels frightening, from popular LGBTQ+ activist and advocate Jeffrey Marsh.

Like many of us, Jeffrey Marsh was conditioned to have an outward focus--to give to others, to be a good listener, and to be the one who gave the best advice. In Marsh's case, it was a method of survival. Growing up genderfluid in an unaccepting family, Marsh did everything they could to meet the needs of others and not have needs of their own. And ultimately, this meant Marsh put themself in the backseat of their own life.
In this heartfelt and sincere book, Marsh shares their story and the lessons they learned on the path back to themselves. Whether you're a survivor of abuse and trauma like Marsh or you've passively accepted that your worth ought to be defined by your usefulness to others, Take Your Own Advice will give you the confidence to lead your life on your terms, and to prioritize what's important: you.
It's time that you learn to put yourself first, to take care of yourself, and to ask others to listen to you for a change. You do give the best advice, after all!

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Self Help, Mental Health, Queer, Psychology, Audiobook

256 pages, Paperback

First published May 16, 2023

About the author

Jeffrey Marsh’s TikToks and compassionate short-form videos have over one billion views. Jeffrey is a bestselling author, viral TikTok and Instagram star, nonbinary activist, and LGBTQ keynote speaker. Jeffrey was the first nonbinary public figure to appear on national television, being interviewed on Newsmax in 2016, and Jeffrey was the first celebrity activist to use they/them pronouns. Jeffrey’s #1 bestseller, ‘How to Be You,’ was the first nonbinary memoir. And Jeffrey is the first nonbinary author to sign a book deal with any “Big 5” publisher worldwide, for Penguin Random House. ‘How To Be You’ topped Oprah's Gratitude Meter and was named Excellent Book of the Year by TED-Ed. As chronicled in ‘How To Be You,’ Jeffrey lived as a Zen monk and has studied Zen Buddhism for over 20 years.

Reviews

[Amy Kirk]

Please ignore the recent 1 star reviews. Unlike those reviewers I will not be putting a rating because I haven’t read the book, and nor have they because it is still in pre-order stages. The recent low ratings are as a result of a smear campaign against Jeffrey that is based in transphobia. This creator breaks it down nicely: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYxU8L9N/

Jeffrey is not a child predator, any of their content geared towards children is geared towards parents and families and asks that parents watch it first and then invite children to watch it with them after. Their other content that has been falsely accused of luring children, is on patreon and requires you to be 18+ and is behind a credit card paywall. Not only that but that content has been falsely represented as sexual, when in fact it is geared towards supporting people who have experienced harm in that area and how it affects them now. The video link above gets into more detail but thought I would type a bit of it out since the clock app is currently under risk of being banned in certain areas and the link might not work in the future.

[Mikey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved Jeffreys first book, and am exited to read this one. This book is getting some negative reviews from people who have not read the book and have no intention of reading it. Do not listen to those people. They are doing this because they are transphobic. Do not believe anything that Jeffrey is getting accused of, it is all lies. Jeffrey Marsh is an amazing person and their videos have helped a lot of people.

...

So I have finished the book now and I loved it. It was a fast read for me, (but I didn't have a lot of time to read, sadly). It is a great follow-up to 'how to be you'. though this one gets a lot more personal, more close, more stories from the authors childhood(trauma). In contrast with 'how to be you', 'take your own advice' is more specifically directed at LGBTQ people. Which worked for me.

[Tara Downey · Rating 5 out of 5]

(I received this book as part of a Goodreads giveaway)

First, I want to start by saying I am not a nonfiction reader. But I’ve been following Jeffrey for quite some time on tiktok and found comfort in their messages, so I was very interested in reading this book (so maybe I’m a little biased). Unlike with other nonfiction, I’m not bored with “Take Your Own Advice”. The language Jeffrey uses is so accessible that it feels like you’re talking with a friend, rather than reading a nonfic (So much so that I immediately use their first name while writing this, rather than the last, as is usually the norm).

The book focuses a lot on on Jeffrey’s childhood and adult experiences, particularly focusing on their struggles with their nonbinary identity. This may make some people immediately feel as though the book is not for them, but I am a cis, heterosexual white woman and found that while Jeffrey’s words may be especially poignant for marginalized groups, they’re still universal enough to resonate with literally anyone.

The best way way I can describe Jeffrey’s message on tiktok is “freeing”. Their book is just that, and then some. They recognize biases, norms and social habits that we all experience, but that I was never able to recognize and put into words myself. And then they delve deeper, picking apart why these things exist, and how to change your thinking and heal. It truly feels like a weight off my shoulders. Plus a big hug from Jeffrey.

(And in case you couldn’t tell, the 1 star reviews are from homophobes and transphobes who couldn’t even bother to read the book.)

5 stars, and I’ll excitedly pick up anything that Jeffrey writes in the future.

[Cheyenne · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 ⭐ CW: Child abuse, bullying, homophobia/transphobia, sexual assault, gay slur

Take Your Own Advice: Learn to Trust Your Inner Voice by Jeffrey Marsh is part memoir, part Buddhist advice, part work book. This is one of the few books I've preordered as soon as I found out about it. I've been following Jeffrey Marsh for awhile now, and it was nice to get to know them better.

Marsh gives advice on how to listen to the advice we always give to others. By the fact that we picked the book up at all probably indicates people come to you for advice often. Marsh uses their life experiences, coupled with the wisdom they learned through Zen Buddhism, to help us break down each of the ways we hold ourselves back.

Honestly, I highly recommend this book for any person who grew up in a toxic or abusive home, especially if you're also LGBTQ+. Marsh's experiences hit quite close to home for me as far as the emotional abuse and generally bad parenting. This book made me cry a few times. Sometimes from remembering painful memories, sometimes from reading something and feeling innately understood. This was a very validating book to read, and I only wish it had existed years ago when I first stopped being in contact with my family. This might be one of those books I return to from time to time when I need perspective or when the voices in my head get too strong.

Jeffrey Marsh is a treasure. Go buy their books.

[Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is exactly what I thought and hoped it would be: a little bomb of love and kindness. It’s a wise friend telling it to you straight, in no uncertain terms, why — and importantly, how — to be kind to yourself. It aligns so well with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents; if you related to that book, you may very well relate to this book, making this one a helpful and practical follow up. (Jeffrey also refers to this book in the “further reading” section.)

My one criticism is that the book isn’t particularly well written. I love that the author used voice memos to write it, but as an editor myself I think some additional editing could have tightened the book up a bit and helped to add a bit more clarity and structure. Nonetheless it’s an easy, direct, and warm but “no nonsense” kind of read.

[Kira Roquette · Rating 5 out of 5]

A much more mature successor to Marsh's 2016 "How to be You". I think I cried the whole time I read it, but felt much lighter as I turned the final page. I have a lot to process in the coming days as I still have to evaluate how I will move forward with the lessons of the book. A difficult, but ultimately healing read for anyone who has trauma to work through, especially those of queer identities. I can certainly see myself reading through this book again if I fall back into old habits.

[Jacob · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, what the heck. Rounding up to 5 stars, because I love Jeffrey.

I thought Jeffrey Marsh's second offering was stronger than their first, How to Be You: Stop Trying to Be Someone Else and Start Living Your Life.

At least for me personally, it provided more challenging insights into patterns of thought and behaviour that might not be serving me. I also felt that there were clearer ties between the autobiographical pieces and the self help pieces.

The book is divided into three thematic sections: Strengthen Your Relationship with Yourself; Change Your Dynamic With Others; and Embodying the Spiritual Principles of Fearlessness. Each section ends with Marsh writing an earnestly saccharine letter to themself, soothing past wounds related to the theme of the section. The overall message, as the title suggests, is that you already have what you need to have more contentment in your life. The path there is through acceptance and love of self, Marsh's favourite message.

The only criticism... is it a criticism? that I have is that really what they are focused on is adult children of abusive parents. If relationships with parents or family are your main issues, you may be better off starting with Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents which covers this topic more comprehensively, but with similar themes. Marsh's book is an excellent compliment, but doesn't get as much into the details of how these family dynamics work and impact us into adulthood. Mash's take on dysfunctional families is based on lived experience. Two things that their book does offer that Gibson's doesn't is their story and their vulnerability, woven through as an example, and their Buddhist wisdom garnered from 20 years of spiritual practice. I loved both of those elements.

A few key takeaways of the book for me:

I loved their advice about confidence, as this is something I have struggled with. Marsh defines confidence as the ability to be yourself in most situations. You achieve this by having your own back: knowing that no matter what happens you will not punish yourself for your mistakes and will love yourself unconditionally. If you let yourself be open to making mistakes without punishment, to let go of the lessons we have been taught as children by adults about self-policing and perfection, we will be confident because the stakes will be lower. A lack of confidence is being afraid to do the wrong thing.

I also loved what they said about anger, as someone who experienced anger in my house growing up and grew to fear and shun it. The problem is, we need anger. Anger is a teacher. But we also need ways of working through it that doesn't do harm to others. Marsh relates the Buddhist parable "Anger is a finger pointing at the moon." The moon is injustice. What is the story behind the anger? What unidentified need is it pointing to? Anger is a visitor reminding us of the importance of justice. You can feel the anger and ask what it is teaching you rather than trying to push it away to feel a safer emotion like sadness.

Lastly, I loved their advice on embracing the unpredictable. We spend a lot of time and resources on the projected future, on "getting our lives together." What if we put some of that future dream energy into our life today? Having your life together always looks like the life you don't have now. What if we invest our attention in the present life we are in and make some peace with it?

Marsh's messages are simple, but powerful, reminding me of the wisdom of other Buddhists like Pema Chodron, but with the specific focus on survivors of childhood trauma.

[Esperanza · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing book by an amazing human being. I read Jeffrey's first book, and was eager to read this title. The book contains such wisdom; I noted several passages that resonated with me. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Jeffrey, thank you for sharing these lessons with the world. Ten stars.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful book with a loving and inclusive message. It is not just self-help, though, there is that, but a story of a person who struggled, survived, persevered, lived, and now, LIVES with the fullness of their whole self.

[Raquel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, loving, and vital book about building self-worth. I adore Jeffrey Marsh and their wisdom. This is a book I will return to repeatedly, a book I wish I could give to my struggling younger self, a book I wish I could gift to everyone I know.

[Genevieve Atkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was like a hug for queer folks. I was to thank Jeffery for their willingness to share their story, to add visibility to non-binary folks and giving our community a book of love/healing

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Aww... La verdad si me hizo llorar un par de veces 🥲 quiero que Jeffrey sea mi psicólogo.

[Raphael Andrade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great reading for any empath out there! Jeffrey was able to convey so much emotion and healing in each chapter of the book. I also highly recommend the book for anyone who faced a tough time during their young life.

[Isabelle]

DNF at 43%. Good message but pretty repetitive and just not what I want to read right now. I want something that’s more to the point and not so overly cheery. It’s not getting on well with my cynicism. 😂

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some quotes/insights:

Toxic parents treat their children like adults with sinister motivations.

‘ society, teachers many women, that they are value list and worthless. So the only way to get a man to value them is to deceive him into thinking there is some transactional value. She comfort him and serves him. She offered something. In other words, many of the women I’ve met and worked with go around with this deep, unseen, almost unconscious programming, that they’re worth comes from men who find them valuable. And it goes further. They were told is simple message by society: be different, don’t be the real you, and men will like you.’

‘ but something happened to many of us, something that her childhood taught us; Mark that we don’t belong here, that there’s something wrong with us. Eventually, we learned that we need to strive to be long. Our parents told us a lie, that we need to prove that we belong. We got the message growing up that belong is not her birthright. So we sit out on the path of trying to belong, but it doesn’t work. And the reason that it doesn’t work is because we belong already. You can’t fix what no one broke.’

‘ once you have strengthen your relationship with yourself, and changed your dynamic with others, you are free to become fearless. I mean that word quite literally. One to prove to yourself that you have your own back – that you can be with yourself in kindness, no matter what happens Dash you will live without fear. If you know that you can be gentle and loving with yourself before, during, and after any stressful moment in your life, you don’t need to fight with life so hard. You don’t need to control, cajole, or push life, so hard to have the life you think you should. Once you practice self kindness, often enough that it becomes a new habit for you, you can relax.’

[Irene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent self-help/introspective advice for anyone who has struggled with acceptance, low self esteem/self loathing; feeling of belonging; etc., due to life long or childhood trauma. Jeffrey Marsh speaks from their own experiences but they are relatable to many of us who have struggled or continue to struggle with any of these issues. Letting go of negativity that has been ingrained within us can be difficult and in itself traumatic, as it is healing and freeing. The methods employed by Jeffrey to come to terms with some of their own traumatic experiences and memories can be applied by anyone, but the best advice is our own. Finding our own paths to happiness, embracing that which makes us “twirl” as they did in the barn when no one was watching, is so important to our personal healing, taking steps toward loving our true selves, no matter what negativity (or threat) is thrown at us. This book is for all people, regardless of gender; origin, orientation, race or religion (or non religion). Anyone who wants and needs to heal emotionally; spiritually; psychologically; even physically, because sometimes emotional traumas can cause physical illness or harm. Anyone who has ever felt broken; out of place; unworthy; isolated; I accepted, etc., can benefit from this book, as well as from Jeffrey’s TikTok posts and other social media content. Their other book, “How to be You” is on my To Read list. Jeffrey is a shining light of positive energy, despite the childhood (and adulthood) trauma they suffered at the hands and words of those who would not accept Jeffrey as they are and tried ti force them to be someone they’re not. Jeffrey is still on the receiving end of hate speech; discrimination; false accusations; and general hostility and lack of compassion and understanding. Despite all of that, Jeffrey still manages to shine their light upon others and help many of us overcome our own obstacles of negativity and trauma we have dealt with throughout our lives or during the course of bad relationships or misguided friendships, whatever our source of inner negativity. I highly recommend this book for anyone suffering with self esteem issues or insecurities;lack of confidence; whatever is holding us back from shining our light and twirling to our hearts content. Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone deserves acceptance. Everyone deserves LOVE — especially love from within ourselves.

[Gaby Rangel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’d highly recommend this book specially for those who feel disconnected to everyone and everything. This book will orientate you to plant the bases of your self-acceptance journey, it encases how important is to show self kindness, create a safe space for yourself, and start embracing yourself without shame. It definitely talks about relatable subjects, for me it was like hand in glove!

Jeffrey is an angel, and they write beautifully! A must read for anyone who is struggling right now. The book has certain parts to “think and pause” which makes the read more conscious and actually gives you the space to reflect and connect with your inner self. There are also parts where Jeffrey advices to write a letter to your younger self, which is a lovely exercise!

242 pages full of great advice and wisdom! Additionally, this book perhaps will make you a lot more compassionate for others and yourself! 🤍

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp. Time to take my own advice. So many times I've told people not to be so hard on themselves, to watch how they talk to themselves, all while being the hardest on myself all the time. I am my own biggest critic and this book has shown me the kind of language to use with myself to be my own best friend.

This book brought up a lot of memories I hadn't thought about in years. Stuff I completely forgot from my own queer childhood and needed to remember. There were tears, but mostly importantly, there was loving-kindness.

It took me a lot longer than I expected to remember the last time I felt like I belonged somewhere. I'm still not sure I've ever truly felt that I did. But this book has really helped me re-frame those old thoughts about belonging, mistakes, and what it means to be confident.

I bought a signed copy from Book Soup months ago and it sat on my shelf until I picked it up last week -- right when I needed it most. Thank you.

💙

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been on a bit of a self-help jag and this is another good one. I learned about Jeffrey Marsh, a non-binary tik tok and Instagram star, from one of my favorite podcasts: Dear Schuyler. I was really impressed by the way he talks about self-love and practicing kindness to yourself. He talks about his experience growing up LGBTQIA+ in a very rural place with parents who tried to keep him in the closet with physical and emotional abuse. And he talks about going to a Buddhist monastery and what he learned there about compassion and self-acceptance. He writes these wonderful letters to his younger self and talks lovingly throughout the book about his years dressing up and dancing in a barn all by himself. It's an amazing story and a very inspiring read about the formidable power of kindness.

[Jessica Hicks · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I saw a book by Jeffrey Marsh on the offer list from Tarcher, I immediately requested it without even reading the synopsis. I didn’t need to know anything about the topic because I knew whatever it was, it would be uplifting. Jeffrey gives the best pep talks on their page! This book gave me some good insight. They ask- if someone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you keep them around? No. Then why can’t you set that boundary with yourself? Positive self-talk is so important. Loving yourself through mistakes. Accepting that there’s literally no way to make everyone like you! And - this one blew my mind- if you’re acting how you think people want you to act in order to make them happy, you are actually being DISHONEST. It sounds so obvious written out but it hadn’t occurred to me! Thank you for the gifted copy, Tarcher Books!

[Indalecio García · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jeffrey Marsh give us a closer look into their story, their pain and process of self acceptance. This book maybe is not as tidy as "How to be you" is, but the honest and powerful way to tell such horrible episodes of discrimination and how they can find light and inspiration about it makes this text a beautiful and helpful testimony of our possibility to make a better world through love.

Just a little quotation from this book: "You can relax, because you don't need to keep your life "together." You don't need to meet a single standard. You don't have to seem like you're put together. You don't need to impress, convince, or spend any time showing people that you are anything other than what you naturally are" (TYOA, 187-188).

[Rebecca Milne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another fantastic book by Jeffrey Marsh! In this book they share stories from their own life amongst lessons they have learned from their childhood experiences, life as an LGBTQIA+ advocate & mentor and from their buddhist perspective. This book contained a few ideas that were extremely helpful for me and whole thing has a very positive perspective. The only reason I didn’t give it five stars is because I wasn’t really into reading the letters they wrote to their past selves and ended up skipping them.

[Edwina Book Anaconda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I received this book, free of charge, through Goodreads Giveaways.

You are probably wondering why a straight, Christian woman would have any desire to read this book.
The answer is simple - to educate myself - and this was the perfect book for that.

This is a beautifully written book that is part memoir and part self-help.
I was in tears, more than once, as I read about school bullies and beatings at home.
Thank you, Jeffrey, for writing this book.
May you continue to thrive in your life, marriage, and love from your "family."

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have said it once, I will say it again: Jeffrey Marsh is a true American hero. A sage. A gem. A goddamn national treasure. This world is a better place because of their ideas, their words, and their willingness to share these ideas and words despite the plethora of hateful bigots who try and shut them up. Thank you for being a voice for the voiceless, Jeffrey! Keep making the world a better place to live in for Queer folx.

[Rachelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Take Your Own Advice... this book was good and full of positive affirmations, but was too autobiographical for what I hoped to read. I enjoyed Jeffrey's honesty about his childhood and LGBTQ conflicts growing up and his spiritual journey that helped him succeed. Loved the advice and suggestions on how to be kind to yourself. We can all use a dose of that wellness. Not exactly what I expected, but was a fun read!

[Pam Mooney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! Although this book may have a target audience the message is universal. For some it is a little more educational than others but that is a good thing. We don't all start out at the same place. Passionate and heartfelt - I read it straight through - the author gives so much. A good read.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a lifesaving book for gender fabulous folks and their allies. Jeffrey Marsh has such a delightful, positive vibe and tells it like it is. I highly recommend listening to this as they narrate it themselves and Jeffrey's sparkly personality shines through.

CW for domestic violence/child abuse and homophobia/transphobia

[Veronica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a book I’d naturally gravitate towards but it was “available now” in Libby so i gave it a shot.
Although Jeffrey’s experiences are not exactly relatable for me, i truly appreciated his vulnerability and perspective. A very tender read. A few instances felt repetitive in an ineffective way but over all, an encouraging and positive read.

[Emily Masters · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely wonderful book. Jeffrey takes you away on a journey with their homely, talkative style, a journey of self discovery and at times hard pills to swallow. Jeffrey asks all those questions we are too scared to ask ourselves yet we must, if indeed we want to grow. I would definitely recommend this book.

[Ember · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book on Audible and then had an ADHD moment and returned to it after a long break.😅 This book helped me a lot as far as processing things about my own identity, my self talk, and how I handle my healing. Also how I think about myself. Jeffrey’s voice is kind, needed, wise, and feels like talking with an old friend. Would recommend this book to anyone😊💙