I will pre-empt this by saying, I'm a lover of fantasy and all its subgenres (romantasy is a romance subgenre, argue with your grandmother if you think otherwise). The best thing about fantasy, especially high fantasy is how many of them are set in a world that's not Earth even if it closely resembles it. That's usually what makes it so easy to immerse yourself. My favourite series--Dark Star Trilogy, Gentleman Bastards Sequence, Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn etc. are all set off-world. And while there are ties that bind, because the authors are human after all, they do create a whole new system of things. Regardless of how inexpansive a plot is, there is a whole new world, a new fantastic (or gruesome) point of view. This book wants to be high fantasy. This book wants to use the eccentric mage trope. This book wants to have a corruption arc. All it does is shit on all those elements and then sorely abused my IQ with its stupidity.
I have read this author before. The first book was a wacky mystery with a paranormal detective. It was genuinely entertaining. The second book tackled femicide in the most objectionable way since the Government of Kenya told women to just be more careful. The characters also felt juvenile and silly. I gave up on her.
This book popped up as a freebie and the title was intriguing enough. I actually thought it would be a satirical short fantasy story that makes a white knight defy duty for the sake of self-interest. When I started it, however, it was clear my expectations were misaligned. And not only were they off-base, they would have improved the book entirely.
The book starts, We've all heard the story of the country of Goodwine. We? Bitch, where? The prologue seeks to show us that the kingdom of "Goodwine", snorts, has a princess masquerading as benevolent. In reality, she's spiteful, vindictive, and willing to sacrifice a village to barbarians for... reasons. At no point does this book even try to show you how the princess is a bad person, it tells you. It also calls her a bitch in a way that feels like a pejorative. The bad woman was bad because the knight is a good man who goes against her orders by going to a sorcerer. This book had a great chance to show us a princess who was making sound tactical decisions but the knight thought it would cost too much. It could have shown us a proper disagreement with a war council where they realised not rescuing the people of that remote village that was in the barbarians' warpath would have been better strategically. Potentially because it's positioned in a place where the barbarian soldiers would be trapped and the princess' armies would lay waste to them. We could have also learnt why the barbarians were pillaging. Is it their culture? Are they fighting over land? Revenge? Conquest? We don't know. But the bad barbarians are bad because the knight is a good man.
The title also implies that the sorcerer is a horrid man who uses dark magic and sacrifices people or something. But in actuality, he's a goof who doesn't understand boundaries and coerces the knight to sleep with him, actually sleeping. It's all a plot to make the knight fall in love with him. Lord. When the knight is let into the sorcerer's fortress, a black castle that's black because the sorcerer went through an emo, goth phase, I honestly believed the author probably saw a black castle on Pinterest and liked the aesthetics then used them just because they're aesthetic. The sorcerer is powerful, sure, and he agrees to portal out the villagers so that they can be out of the way by the time they barbarians attacked. The princess refused to such a plan because she's vindictive. Why? She just is. And I'm not saying that such people can't exist but usually they're a lot more fleshed out. It's hard to believe that the citizens of Goodwine don't know this about her but the knight just explains this away with a good PR department. Are these people larpers? Why are they using post modern jargon in a world that's designed to be medieval?
There is no urgency for the villagers because this book just wants to make the knight and the sorcerer bump uglies. And not only is the sorcerer not a bad person, he's just misunderstood. His reputation as a knight killer? That's because he killed knights who were sent to kill him by the princess. Why did the princess do that? Bad princess bad. The sorcerer is actually a kindly young man who just wants to be loved.
After portalling out the villagers, they face off with the barbarians. The sorcerer ends up sick because he used too much power and has to recover. Eventually he sneaks into the knight's bed and they cuddle. The sorcerer even claims he was suffering from cuddle deficiency and only the knight could help with that. Without any establishment of consent, he calls the knight his lover which the knight reacts with a head shake and an exasperated smile.
Once the sorcerer is fully recovered, the knight goes back to Goodwine, because the people neeeeed him. If it's not for him protecting the realm from her malevolent whims, then they would all die. Big strong man must save the people. It's infuriating. A more realistic plot would have been the knight gathering allies to kill the princess if she's so bad. A Song of Ice and Fire did this with the kingslayer and I'm sure there are plenty of other stories with well-done kingslayer arcs.
This book feels like a patchworked mess of popular tropes roughly sewn together to resemble a story. The high fantasy setting is treated like a gag prop. It has a deficiency of internal logic that is insulting. The sorcerer isn't actually a self-serving villain. At the end of the book, the princess sends the knight off to kill a monster in the forest where he's sure he'll have to call on the sorcerer for his assistance again because all this book wants you to care about is the sorcerer and the knight. Well, bad luck book. I care about everything. The prose is mediocre at best, the plot is shallower than a dry river bed. The side characters are so one-dimensional they couldn't be accounted for in quantum physics. The knight had been "serving" her for ten years just putting out fires she started. You'd think he'd try to get her deposed, killed, removed, exiled... something. The only agency he ever displays is to prolong a pointless flirtation between him and the sorcerer, a complete waste of time. This book also thinks worldbuilding is something you only do on Wordle.
I blame myself for reading this book. I should have stopped reading it when I realised who the author is but by then I realised I haven't had a satisfying hate read in a minute. This book is an insult to fantasy and it may very well become the catalyst for my villain arc. I understand that there are more books in the series. It's safe to assume they're all lame comedic attempts to make the OTP happen. This book should have just been set in the contemporary world with a hagridden executive assistant who reduces the impact of the out-of-touch CEO. But when that story is written as a fantasy, it just comes off as a joke. I can't even point and laugh, however, because all I want to do is weep that I ever knew of this book's existence. If you're looking for hilarious fantasy, read literally anything else.
Pre-review thoughts 26/8/2024
This was a Kindle freebie. And quite possibly the worst thing I've read this year. Rant to come