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408 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2014
I don’t typically like ‘Elseworlds’ stories. Most of the time they amount to nothing more than ‘wouldn’t it be cool if Batman had this costume?’
Or ‘hey, let’s change the sex around of these characters and see what happens!’ Meh.
And of course, the few times I do like the ideas, it doesn’t go anywhere! Power Girl/Huntress.
But I got a deal on this book and I like the art. Sue me.
“Issue #1” tells the story of Hippolyta killing Hercules and freeing her fellow women asking Aphrodite for a place free of men.The artwork is amazingly good!
3000 years later Paradise Island is a high-tech society crossed with the traditional view of Themyscira.
Wonder Woman comes home in the coolest interpretation of her invisible robot plane I’ve ever seen.
As she comes out of the plane she is immediately arrested and shacked ‘by order of the Queen Hippolyta’. The Fates are called in to adjudicate her trial.
First they wrap Diana in the lasso of truth. First Diana tells the story of healing a wounded deer with the Purple Ray.This story services no purpose except to bring back some archaic technology that few Wonder Woman fans would even remember. And I’m all for it!
Diana’s friend Dindra asks Diana if she is going to participate in the ‘games’. Diana says that her royal strength and endurance would give her an unfair advantage so her mother forbids her.
Diana later catches her mother watching the Twin Towers explode on a magic mirror (Magic Sphere).
”Men never change yet continuous change they demand.”
They talk about Diana being made of clay as a wish from her mother. Diana asks what she has been trained for?
On the day of the festival there is lots of dancing, Amazons dressed up as deer and tied up, giant kangaroo jousting and blasters and bracelets games.
Diana shakes things up by wearing a lion head (presumably from Herakles pet) and calling out to the Amazons to chase her. They chase her. They don’t catch her.An interesting retelling. Nothing much is new, but still well told. 3 stars
“Issue #2” The amazons continue the trial of Diana. She finds a paratrooper washed up on the beach. She steals the Purple Ray to heal him with. But it has no effect on men!
So Diana challenges the contestants in the ongoing games and wins. Her part was supposed to be submissive.In a very weird and unsatisfying sequence, but beautifully drawn.
Diana takes the plane and leave, but they smell man on her and Hippolyta order the amazons to find the man and kill him!
Diana goes to Steve Trevor and loads him on the Wonder Plane. The Amazons find her and ask her to surrender. Diana says goodbye and takes off. The try to shoot down the Wonder Plane on Sky-cycles. But the Wonder Plane can outrun any pursuit.This was good. The contest was short and vague, but it’s a story mostly everyone knows and we really only get the different bits.
3 stars
“Issue #3” starts with Wonder Woman bringing Steve to a hospital.I don’t really know if these were released in separate ‘issues’ but I’m going to treat this review as if they were.
On Paradise island Hippolyta decides to visit the Medusa the Gordon to get punishment for Diana.
The hospital doesn’t have time for Wonder Woman’s nonsense and blow her off and take Steve away. She wanders the hospital. She thinks the hospital must have Purple Rays somewhere. When she finds out that women actually die her she is shocked and runs out of the hospital.
Right into army jeeps and machine guns and soldiers who command her to stop. She lifts a jeep. She gets in the invisible robot jet and leaves.
At Diana’s trial they call Beth Candy to the stand. She tells the story of how her sorority girls were on a bus when it struck by lightning. It goes flying off a bridge. Diana catches the bus and puts it gently down. Diana meets the sisters.
At the hospital, Steve is interviewed by senior officers. He (says) he remembers nothing but that the swimsuit model saved his life. Then Diana and the Holliday girls come in. She tells all the men to surrender to the Wonder Women of Amazonia then all will be well.Let’s at least just keep an open mind…
The officers book him a hotel room and tell him to get the location of Paradise island.
At the hotel, Steve tries to tell her to shut it. She gives him a dog collar.
”Kneel, for we are bound.”
Later she asks Beth what went wrong.
”You’re from a paradise island of science fiction lesbians?”
Beth and the Holliday girls give Diana a makeover. As they are finished Diana senses the Gorgon and runs out to fight her.
Several Amazon warriors tell Diana she is coming with them. The Holliday girls come to Diana’s aid but are dismissed by the Amazons.
”Amazonia has class bitches too? That’s a bummer. Kinda spoiled my fantasy.”
Then soldiers come in and tell them all to surrender.
But then Diana surrenders to Mala and the Amazons. Diana and Mala bring the Steve Trevor statue to Paradise island. Diana has recalibrated it to work on men and un-stones him.
Using the lasso of truth, Steve testifies before Queen Hippolyta.
The lasso determines that Steve actually covered for the Amazons only telling them he saw Diana.
Diana then asks Queen Hippolyta to be submitted to the lasso for questioning.The three fates pop in from time to time and comment on the proceedings. I’ve been waiting for this to make literary, foreshadowing or character sense and so far its done nothing to help the story.
Diana says that the signal that lead Steve to the island was her magic mirror.
Diana asks if that whole ‘made from clay’ story is true. It’s not. Diana was created to destroy man’s world. But Queen Hippolyta changed her mind later.This is actually pretty good. A re-telling of her origin that actually adds some new twists. There are some weaknesses but too few to mention.
4 stars
The next story starts with a flashback as a battle-dressed Queen Hippolyta meeting an Aryan Nazi-Woman with a keen fashion sense. She is claiming Paradise island in the name of Adolph Hitler.
It was all too brief, but in case you doubted, the German army lost.Honestly I want to try wearing the Venus Girdle.
In the present day while bad men review the fate of the Uberfaulein in 1942, Wonder Woman had made the cover of every magazine.
Giving a Ted Talk she is asked about Trans women and other challenging questions.
”… so why can’t you put a lasso ‘round the whole world?”
Diana finds there are no easy answers for the world in the short time that people live.
On Paradise island, Queen Hippolyta worries that Diana is succumbing to the anxieties of man’s world.
On Earth Wonder Woman is racing a state of the art jet plane against her invisible jet. Steven’s plane blows up.
Steve (after being rescued) tells Wonder Woman to be careful when working with the authorities. They’re very frightened of the power they see in her.
”It wouldn’t be the first time these a-holes started something they didn’t know how to finish.”Ripped from the headlines much?
The military is already plotting to destroy Wonder Woman because of her potential threat.
Wonder Woman rescues a group of women from middle-eastern kidnappers.
After she finishes the rescue she has a whiskey with the (male) hostage negotiator. Dr. Zeiko. They talk politics. He thinks she is naïve.
”If men submit to the loving authority of women, bound by the Amazon code, war will end!”
He wonders if she has thought about submitting the loving authority of a male? She thinks he’s making a pass. He’s not.
Elsewhere Steve is asked by his General what is going on. Maxwell Lord just showed him a huge battlesuit built to attack Paradise Island.
Steve and Etta both try to warn Wonder Woman that Dr. Zeiko is planning military psy-ops actions, but she doesn’t believe it. Dr. Zeiko would do that.
Later with Dr. Zeiko she practices bullets and bracelets and tells him about her upbringing. They also kiss. Zeiko asks her to ask him one question while he is tied up with the lasso of truth. He tells her that the government believes she is an advance scout for an invasion force. She is very upset by this. Mission accomplished for Dr. Psycho.
She comes back to his house to apologize. But he won’t believe her unless she proves that is not her mission by letting him tie her with the lasso of truth.
Once tied up, he gives her a post-hypnotic suggestion and commands her to forget everything he tells her.
Steve comes to Dr. Psycho’s house looking for Diana. He is pissed. Dr. Psycho asks Wonder Woman to help. She attacks Steve and knocks him out. Dr. Psycho tells her to remember everything he told her and sends her on her way.
One home Diana gets a call from her mother on the ‘mental radio’ in her apartment. Queen Hippolyta says she will speak to all the women of the world tomorrow.
On Paradise Island the Uberfaulein who Queen Hippolyta took in as a fellow woman has been triggered and kills Queen Hippolyta. She takes the Girdle of Invulnerability from the queen’s body. Uberfaulein runs.
Wonder Woman is giving a speech in front of the White House. She says the rule of man is over, even if that means bringing them to their knees.
In some government basement, Maxwell Lord says its his turn to take over. He activates Uberfaulein with a remote control.
Beth comes to Diana’s apartment to warn her about Dr. Psycho. But Dr. Psycho comes in and tells her that her mother has been killed by white supremacists. Then Uberfaulein busts in holding her mother’s heart.
Beth smacks Psycho with his own cane. Beth calls the Holliday girls to help.
Wonder Woman attacks Uberfaulein. They fight. Diana can’t hurt Uberfaulein because of the girdle. But she can lasso her.
Steve wakes up, flies the invisible robot plane and Diana, Uberfaulein and Dr. Psycho’s leave Washington with an Amazon escort.I can’t really tell if these were published as separate ‘issues’ or what so I’m going to review them as one big book. Sorry.
Wonder Woman takes Psycho back to Paradise Island. Diana asks him why he is so afraid of them. He doesn’t answer.
Diana tells the Amazons they are at war. They crown her the Eternal Queen.
The next story starts with the news 1,000 years from now. It thinks back to when Queen Hippolyta died. Diana and Aunt Desira talk about how they pamper the men on Paradise island and how content they are with their lot.Where did the Amazons get butterfly wings?
”Our way of life is a perfect example of submission to loving authority, as I shall prove to you…”
Desire shows that even Dr. Psycho is now tame and docile by the Pax Ray (another purple ray beam). She offers her Venus girls for when war comes to Paradise island.
Diana, Mala and Troia go to the woods to visit the Wild Girls. Uberfaulein (who killed Queen Hippolyta) is there. Artemis their leader is questioning the relevancy of the monarchy itself. They are reading to end all men.
”This rhetoric of genercide is bracing, I’ll admit, ….but all these men are not one man.”
Artemis challenges Diana for the throne of Amazonia. They fight. Wonder Woman wins. But it’s all good to Artemis.
Wonder Woman talks to the Fates.
”Man’s world must fall.”
Air Force General Darnell talks to Steve Trevor who is still incarcerated.I have no idea how much time has passed or what that whole Etta Candy scene was about with her brother.
Darnell is trying to get Steve out of prison. Etta thinks she can do it legally but Darnell is sure that with Maxwell Lord pulling the presidents strings it’ll be tough. Darnell slips Steve a contact lens. This lets Steve escape prison.
Maxwell Lord isn’t worried about Steve escaping. He’s planning a war with the Amazons.
”….the fact that they’re all women doesn’t make this a war against all women. Only the uncooperative ponees. ”
Maxwell Lord activates an army of battlesuit-drones. Maxwell says he knows how to find the island.
Police are also violently rounding up female protesters.
On Paradise island Wonder Woman is watching Max Lord through her mother’s mirror.
Maxwell Lord is Ares
One thousand years from that day a woman (who looks suspiciously like Wonder Woman) is giving a speech in a large filled auditorium, when a man with a bomb vest walks in. He says his name is Garret Manly.
Then we see some other guy speaking to a bunch of incels ranting about bringing back the good old days with Operation Hercules.Unfortunately this book kind of makes no linear sense. It’s doing too much and none of it is being done all tha well.
The battlesuit-drones attack the island.
The Amazons realize that their pacifying rays are having no effect because there are no men inside the suits. They are drones.
They fight the drones. A combined force of giant female cyclops, harpies, female centaurs, amazons and Wonder Woman beat the drones.
Diana tells Areas (Max Lord) he has lost.
Uberfaulein helps out. Wonder Woman releases her from her Venus girdle.
Steve also helps out in the invisible robot plane.
Wonder Woman finds the heart organ of Queen Hippolyta that did not burn when they cremated her and announces (to who? How?) that all women are welcome in Amazonia and men too if they can renounce violence. And that she hears women will have a sex strike until things improve.
Then Wonder Woman goes to the Underworld and tells everyone not to follow her. They hint to Steve that this probably doesn’t apply to him.
Wonder Woman takes the river styx being driven by Charon. She meets an pets Cerberus the three headed dog. She passes through Erebus (a kind of limbo for ghosts). She then meets three giant Judges of the Underworld. They ask who she is. They give her directions to find her mother.
She continues until she finds her mother, who seems to be repeating the same phrases over and over. Then the Endless One captures her and wraps her in bandages. Then a bird flies out of the Endless one’s mouth and Steve comes and unties Wonder Woman from her mummy wraps. Steve comes and rescues her.
They thank each other. They kiss. Steve dies.
Maxwell Lord or Ares (it could go either way) attacks Themyscira with a drone/giant robot.
The bomb-vest guy Shuri is overwheled and unarmed by Amazon kisses. He swears that even if he goes down there are hundreds more - and they have Arda Moore.
Wonder Woman attacks the giant robot and lassos it which will even compel the code so the robot will follow her commands. Which means it won’t self-destruct when Max/Ares wants it to.Really?
Wonder Woman announces victory to the world and also tells the world that the scientists of Amazonia have made contact with dozens of parallel universes.I have no idea what the point of saying this was or how it affects anything that’s going on.
And then the world sees Themyscira flying on an island.
On Earth, Etta is instructing college women on getting the best ideas for the fairer, cleaner world to come.
Redestribution of wealth prior to the abolition of money as a concept.This idea has always ticked me off. Money is simply a measure of value. How are you going to have a society or world where there is no concept of VALUE?!? It’s just stupidly unnecessary. If you get rid of money, you have to replace it with EXACTLY THE SAME THING! Money isn’t the root of all evil, it’s the love of money that’s the root of all evil.
Then it just gets two weird and non-linear to follow till it ends with Diana apparently having a daughter which may mean she is reincarnated as Queen Hippolyta or may mean nothing.I’m going with nothing. I like a lot of this from the start. I liked the art. I liked the idea that the Amazons have a kind of Wakanda technology which hasn’t really been done before but makes more sense than anything else. I liked the nod towards a ‘submission to loving authority’ because it makes more sense for Amazons than wanting any kind of ‘democratic’ ideas. Though this story made it seem scarily authoritarian.
I liked Diana being naïve about the way the real world works and having to adjust to American life.
But throughout the book there are all sorts of things that are never explained or ideas that are just skipped over without explanation.
And while I love Etta and the Holiday girls they actually had no real purpose in this story whatsoever.
And the three Fates? Never meant anything or amounted to anything.
Diane sort of ‘disguised’ as this robed woman. What for? How did she switch places with Arda Moore? Why did she switch places with Arda Moore? Who the hell is Arda Moore and why do we care?
In some ways I wish they would make this the real Wonder Woman because the difference in ideals would make for some good storytelling over the long term. But so much of this book was deus ex machina that all rang rather hollow.
There was no real ‘conquering’ of man’s world except that it was just an automatic done deal. Maxwell was Ares all along? So what? He folded like a cheap suit anyway. Might as well have just been some dude.
While I enjoyed some parts of it, the whole thing left me with a WTF just happened and why.
I can give this 2 stars for the art, but I can’t honestly recommend it even to Wonder Woman fans (of which I am one).