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296 pages, Hardcover
First published September 12, 2023
In a ruinous country house in the now barren English countryside--decimated by heat and drought--and in a dusty library damaged by earthquake and floods, Penelope archives what remains of the estate's once notable, now diminished, art collection. As she delves into the objects and images, she also keeps a diary of her final months in the dilapidated estate that has been her home for two decades and a refuge for those who have been displaced by disasters. Out of necessity, Penelope and her partner, Aidan, have sold the house and with its scheduled demolition comes this pressing task of building the archive. But with it also comes the impending arrival of Aidan's brother, Julian, who will return to have one final look at his childhood home. Penelope suffered at the hands of Julian twenty-two years ago during a brief but violent relationship, and as his visit looms large over her, she finds herself unable to tamp down the past in her efforts to build a possible, if uncertain, future.



A gong sounds. The butler announces that dinner is served. The group proceeds to the dining room. But the woman remains standing at the window. She looks at Poussin’s painting through its reflection in the glass, its colours slightly dulled. As she studies the scene of the abducted Sabine women superimposed on the layered landscape outside — the woods emptied of a few more living beings after each hunt, the unsightly thickets that were burned, the peasants displaced by the construction of the house, the folly that was torn down after she herself, barely fifteen, was assaulted in its stony interior — as she contemplates all this, she understands, not for the first time, the true cost of all this beauty.
It has been almost two years since it rained in this part of England. First came the floods, then came the droughts. Here at Mornington Hall, the one-thousand-acre parkland is parched, and the remaining leaves crumble between my fingers. Parts of the earth lie fractured, creating intricate webbing that spreads out like dark veins. I never thought I’d miss the cold, wet air on rainy days. We now count in millilitres, careful not to exceed the amount of water the government has allotted to the house. The small bottles Aidan and I pass between us are not only tools of survival, but also mementoes of a past that recedes further and further with each passing month.
When I was writing that long entry in February, I often thought of Louise Bourgeois, sculpting in her studio and transmuting emotions into physical form. Each sculpture was the chaos of memory made tangible. Art as a way of nullifying the past, of moving the self beyond pain. Once the work is done, it has served its purpose. Writing, too, is an exorcism. The past is negated through the act of transcribing words on the page, and the self re-emerges, alive in the here and now.
Most of us are vegetarians now, due to the price of meat, which is one of the few good things to have come out of the world’s catastrophes.
"The landscape she beholds is ever changing, ever shifting, robbed of certainty and predictability."
Being in London reminds me that people once filled the streets, banners in hand, crying for change. There was a time when brightly lit screens flickered across the faces of young and old, the same screens held up to artworks and scenery, or positioned before carefully poised bodies. A time when freedom meant having the right possessions, eating the right foods, and being far away from the crowds gathered at closed borders. That was a time when "home" seemed easy, filled with comforting narratives; a time when the world was a beautiful blue-green orb that appeared unchanging. It was a time of both comfort and unease, of decadence and the awareness of imminent loss.
I wondered if I would ever be able to read a book in the same way again, to study a painting and know that it is beautiful, without thinking of what had happened, what had been lost.