What do you think?
Rate this book
On Grief: Love, Loss, Memory
The unflinching Pulitzer Prize–winning essay on mourning and recovery in the wake of an inconceivable tragedy. An Atlantic Edition, featuring long-form journalism by Atlantic writers, drawn from contemporary articles or classic storytelling from the magazine’s 165-year archive.
When Bobby McIlvaine died in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, his loved ones spun off in radically different directions, each mourning in his or her own distinct―and often highly idiosyncratic―way. Twenty years later, Jennifer Senior, a family friend and award-winning reporter, revisits the McIlvaines, examines their present lives, and contemplates what grief really means, in all its jagged complexity.
When Bobby McIlvaine died in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001, his loved ones spun off in radically different directions, each mourning in his or her own distinct―and often highly idiosyncratic―way. Twenty years later, Jennifer Senior, a family friend and award-winning reporter, revisits the McIlvaines, examines their present lives, and contemplates what grief really means, in all its jagged complexity.
80 pages, Paperback
Published April 4, 2023
48 people are currently reading
966 people want to read
About the author
Jennifer Senior
4 books68 followersJennifer Senior is a contributing editor at New York magazine, where she writes profiles and cover stories about politics, social science, and mental health. Her work has been anthologized four times in THE BEST AMERICAN POLITICAL WRITING, and she's been a frequent guest on NPR and numerous television programs, including Charlie Rose, The Chris Matthews Show, Morning Joe, Washington Journal, Anderson Cooper 360, GMA, and Today. All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood is her first book. It spent six weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list, and appeared on the Washington Post, LA Times, Boston Globe, SF Chronicle, and Denver Post Best Seller lists as well. In March of 2014, she spoke both at TED's annual conference and at the Sydney Opera House. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and her son.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
January 9, 2025
“This is one of the many things you learn about mourning when examining it at close range: It’s idiosyncratic, anarchic, polychrome. A lot of the theories you read about grief are great, beautiful even, but they have a way of erasing individual experiences. Every mourner has a very different story to tell.”
The stories we tell ourselves.
We flee our own bodies. We float above ourselves. We disassociate. Then we reattach. If we are lucky.
We talk to the dead. We wonder if ghosts exist. We wonder if this is a sign. Is this a sign?
We remember what we want to remember. We make things up. We get lost in the maze of “what ifs”.
We don’t know how to be with others. We don’t know how to be without. We don’t know how the world goes on, this giant, hungry mass of need.
And so we tell ourselves stories. Radically different stories. To achieve the same end.
“On Grief” is a slim, unwavering and incredibly poignant essay about the years following the death of a 26-year old in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001.
In 71 pages, Jennifer Senior, a ridiculously gifted staff writer at The Atlantic, captures how we try to give meaning to a pain so big that we can never hold it, both to honor the ones who left us and to make a path forward in the land of the living.
A truly extraordinary piece of writing.
The stories we tell ourselves.
We flee our own bodies. We float above ourselves. We disassociate. Then we reattach. If we are lucky.
We talk to the dead. We wonder if ghosts exist. We wonder if this is a sign. Is this a sign?
We remember what we want to remember. We make things up. We get lost in the maze of “what ifs”.
We don’t know how to be with others. We don’t know how to be without. We don’t know how the world goes on, this giant, hungry mass of need.
And so we tell ourselves stories. Radically different stories. To achieve the same end.
“On Grief” is a slim, unwavering and incredibly poignant essay about the years following the death of a 26-year old in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001.
In 71 pages, Jennifer Senior, a ridiculously gifted staff writer at The Atlantic, captures how we try to give meaning to a pain so big that we can never hold it, both to honor the ones who left us and to make a path forward in the land of the living.
A truly extraordinary piece of writing.
December 21, 2025
a moving essay/article about a young man who died on 9/11 and the different ways his loved ones grieve this loss. it’s beautifully and poignantly written, exploring how we try to make meaning out of loss, the different paths of grief and acceptance, and how you continue to live on after a tragedy.
October 16, 2025
To me, it was the difference between the spirit of the law and the letter of the law, or maybe what we do when we intensify the color of an image on our iPhone. We're not trying to create a fake; we're trying to align the image with the one that already lives in our memory.
We are always inventing and reinventing the dead.
(61)
*
He understood that our commitments to one another are what we're here for—and that, in itself, is life. Even when those commitments are hard. Even when they cause us pain.
(64)
_____
so moving, highly recommend.
We are always inventing and reinventing the dead.
(61)
*
He understood that our commitments to one another are what we're here for—and that, in itself, is life. Even when those commitments are hard. Even when they cause us pain.
(64)
_____
so moving, highly recommend.
June 10, 2023
Suffering, or the prospect of it, is the price we're willing to pay for the bonds we make.
This is terrific journalism.
I've done my fair share of feature writing classes, read my fair share of Pulitzer winning pieces, and I can confidently say this one deserves its spot up there among the best. I do think its original title "Twenty Years Gone" is more fitting than "On Grief", as this is a specific story, not a general reflection (obviously, this is no fault of the actual writer).
The structure is phenomenal and the photographs really elevate the overall impact. Jennifer Senior is a force, but I can't finish this review without mentioning the endearing brilliance of its subject: Bobby McIlvaine. We only get a glimpse of him, but what we see is special. He loved and cared and lost. He had so much to say, so much left, but I'll leave you with only one of his quotes—the one that struck me the hardest.
Is youth really just a hobby?
It shouldn't be. Oh Bobby, it shouldn't be.
This is terrific journalism.
I've done my fair share of feature writing classes, read my fair share of Pulitzer winning pieces, and I can confidently say this one deserves its spot up there among the best. I do think its original title "Twenty Years Gone" is more fitting than "On Grief", as this is a specific story, not a general reflection (obviously, this is no fault of the actual writer).
The structure is phenomenal and the photographs really elevate the overall impact. Jennifer Senior is a force, but I can't finish this review without mentioning the endearing brilliance of its subject: Bobby McIlvaine. We only get a glimpse of him, but what we see is special. He loved and cared and lost. He had so much to say, so much left, but I'll leave you with only one of his quotes—the one that struck me the hardest.
Is youth really just a hobby?
It shouldn't be. Oh Bobby, it shouldn't be.
April 6, 2024
I was reluctant to pick up a Pulitzer Prize-winning Atlantic essay on grief as I feared its wallop to my psyche. The essay chronicles how members of Bobby McIlvaine's family - his father, mother, and brother - found different paths down the mountain in the 20 years following his death on 9-11.
Early on, the McIlvaines spoke to a therapist who warned them that each member of their family would grieve differently. Imagine that you’re all at the top of a mountain, she told them, but you all have broken bones, so you can’t help each other. You each have to find your own way down. It was a helpful metaphor, one that may have saved the McIlvaines’ marriage. But when I mentioned it to Roxane Cohen Silver, a psychology professor at UC Irvine who’s spent a lifetime studying the effects of sudden, traumatic loss, she immediately spotted a problem with it: “That suggests everyone will make it down,” she told me. “Some people never get down the mountain at all.” This is one of the many things you learn about mourning when examining it at close range: It’s idiosyncratic, anarchic, polychrome.
How the family and Bobby's fiancee, Jen, helped and hurt each other, in the aftermath and looking back 20 years later, is a lesson on how trauma causes people to hear and say the exact wrong thing even as they are trying for the right thing.
Jen, like Helen, she has learned to let a lot of things go. That’s one of the most ruthless lessons trauma teaches you: You are not in charge. All you can control is your reaction to whatever grenades the demented universe rolls in your path. Beginning with whether you get out of bed. “And that’s where I started my day, literally,” she says. For years.
Even though devastating, the essay manages to be uplifting in capturing the essence of humanity, which Bobby had articulated in one of his journals: "There are people that need me. And that, in itself, is life. There are people I do not know yet that need me. That is life."
And for his mother Helen, who stoically starved her grief until finally letting it in and letting things go: "For 26 years, she got to know this boy, to care for him, to love him. It was a privilege. It was a gift. It was a bittersweet sacrifice. And that, in itself, is life."
Early on, the McIlvaines spoke to a therapist who warned them that each member of their family would grieve differently. Imagine that you’re all at the top of a mountain, she told them, but you all have broken bones, so you can’t help each other. You each have to find your own way down. It was a helpful metaphor, one that may have saved the McIlvaines’ marriage. But when I mentioned it to Roxane Cohen Silver, a psychology professor at UC Irvine who’s spent a lifetime studying the effects of sudden, traumatic loss, she immediately spotted a problem with it: “That suggests everyone will make it down,” she told me. “Some people never get down the mountain at all.” This is one of the many things you learn about mourning when examining it at close range: It’s idiosyncratic, anarchic, polychrome.
How the family and Bobby's fiancee, Jen, helped and hurt each other, in the aftermath and looking back 20 years later, is a lesson on how trauma causes people to hear and say the exact wrong thing even as they are trying for the right thing.
Jen, like Helen, she has learned to let a lot of things go. That’s one of the most ruthless lessons trauma teaches you: You are not in charge. All you can control is your reaction to whatever grenades the demented universe rolls in your path. Beginning with whether you get out of bed. “And that’s where I started my day, literally,” she says. For years.
Even though devastating, the essay manages to be uplifting in capturing the essence of humanity, which Bobby had articulated in one of his journals: "There are people that need me. And that, in itself, is life. There are people I do not know yet that need me. That is life."
And for his mother Helen, who stoically starved her grief until finally letting it in and letting things go: "For 26 years, she got to know this boy, to care for him, to love him. It was a privilege. It was a gift. It was a bittersweet sacrifice. And that, in itself, is life."
November 13, 2025
“It’s the damnedest thing: The dead abandon you; then, with the passage of time, you abandon the dead.”
August 3, 2024
I just love everything that Jennifer Senior writes…and this is no exception.
April 13, 2023
Amazing
April 28, 2023
This book is essentially an article, published originally in The Atlantic magazine. A thin sliver of a book- and a page turner. Reading this after hearing the author interviewed on 10% happier podcast impacted the experience of reading the book. (Excellent interview, as an aside). Very moving story about love, loss, and the different ways people grieve. Highly recommend.
April 9, 2023
Impactful article
I heard about this article on a podcast. The true story of a family left behind after a sudden violent loss. Its so mind boggling to think that there are so many other people out there who have to deal with similar situations.
I heard about this article on a podcast. The true story of a family left behind after a sudden violent loss. Its so mind boggling to think that there are so many other people out there who have to deal with similar situations.
March 6, 2025
on the rare occasion that I read nonfiction I always seem to forget that it's real, Oh a family suffering after their loved son died in 9/11? must be fake.
ofc this is my own fault, maybe if I didn't read so much romance I could actually imagine bad things happening. but nonfiction just isn't my jam (nor are classics) but this year is my open-to-new-things- era.
either way this book was beautiful. 😕
Jennifer's writing is incredible??
I too like Bob Sr. am (too an extent) am very interested in 9/11 🧐. so this book (just being on the topic of 9/11 piqued my interest) was very nice.
a couple quotes I liked <3
"the family spoke to a therapist who warned them that each member of their family would grieve differently. imagine that you're all at the top of a mountain, she told, but you all have broken bones, so you can't help each other. you each have to find your own way."
"I'm very protective of him you see, if he decided to be a male stripper in an old people's home it's okay with me." (😭 I love this tho. i want a significant other like this 🙁)
(5/5)⭐️📝
ofc this is my own fault, maybe if I didn't read so much romance I could actually imagine bad things happening. but nonfiction just isn't my jam (nor are classics) but this year is my open-to-new-things- era.
either way this book was beautiful. 😕
Jennifer's writing is incredible??
I too like Bob Sr. am (too an extent) am very interested in 9/11 🧐. so this book (just being on the topic of 9/11 piqued my interest) was very nice.
a couple quotes I liked <3
"the family spoke to a therapist who warned them that each member of their family would grieve differently. imagine that you're all at the top of a mountain, she told, but you all have broken bones, so you can't help each other. you each have to find your own way."
"I'm very protective of him you see, if he decided to be a male stripper in an old people's home it's okay with me." (😭 I love this tho. i want a significant other like this 🙁)
(5/5)⭐️📝
April 25, 2023
This book first appeared as a long-form article in The Atlantic magazine in 2021. It serves as an epitaph of a life cut short on 9/11/2001. But more than that, the author explores the profound, irrational, harrowing, and devastating toll such a sudden death takes upon loved ones left behind.
Death is a given, though we rarely know how and when it was take those we cherish. Senior's goal was to piece together--through interviews, diaries, journals, forensic reports, photographs, etc.--the meaning of the too-short life and violent death of a 27-year-old man through the eyes, memories, heart, and feelings of his parents, brother, fiancee, teachers, and friends.
As most of us know, grief takes its own time, path, depth, duration, and outcomes. This slim volume reveals how one man's death changed so many lives in such disparate ways. A moving read.
Death is a given, though we rarely know how and when it was take those we cherish. Senior's goal was to piece together--through interviews, diaries, journals, forensic reports, photographs, etc.--the meaning of the too-short life and violent death of a 27-year-old man through the eyes, memories, heart, and feelings of his parents, brother, fiancee, teachers, and friends.
As most of us know, grief takes its own time, path, depth, duration, and outcomes. This slim volume reveals how one man's death changed so many lives in such disparate ways. A moving read.
January 9, 2024
I absolutely love this as a featured piece. It is a deliberate, intimate look at how different members of a family "loved on" in the wake of a loss on 9/11. Spread throughout the piece are reminders of unhelpful words in times of grief and the different needs of those in grief. As a feature piece, this provides valuable insight into the experience of grief through the lens of one family. It accomplished an astonishing amount in less than an hour read.
It is in this form as a standalone book that my rating was lowered. There are so many many books on grief, so many case studies, even just around those who died on 9/11. I found myself wondering what this book adds to the already seemingly exhaustive canon on the subject. While insightful, it is suddenly less unique as an independently purchased folio.
3.5 stars.
It is in this form as a standalone book that my rating was lowered. There are so many many books on grief, so many case studies, even just around those who died on 9/11. I found myself wondering what this book adds to the already seemingly exhaustive canon on the subject. While insightful, it is suddenly less unique as an independently purchased folio.
3.5 stars.
October 15, 2024
Powerful piece, rather short, originally published as Atlantic article. “Life lives on”, and it does, and we start abandoning those who have abandoned us.
Bobby would have been 46 this September. Jeff used to have vivid dreams about him, and man, how he loved them. They were brothers again, just talking, resuming their old rhythms and habits. But he seldom has those dreams anymore. “I haven’t seen him in 20 years, you know?” He says he almost wishes sometimes that he could trade his current well-being for the suffering he felt 20 years ago, because Bobby was so much easier to conjure back then, the sense-memories of him still within reach. “No matter how painful September 11 was,” he explains, “I had just seen him on September 6.” It’s the damnedest thing: The dead abandon you; then, with the passage of time, you abandon the dead.
June 1, 2023
Expanded Article
I heard Jennifer Senior on NPR talking about this book. It sounded interesting. I understood it was published from an article in the Atlantic. I somehow thought it would be longer. However, having dealt with grief in my own life, I understand that it is an individual experience for each person. And what was not mentioned and I find it to be true, is that women seem much more prepared to grapple with loss than men. Worth reading.
I heard Jennifer Senior on NPR talking about this book. It sounded interesting. I understood it was published from an article in the Atlantic. I somehow thought it would be longer. However, having dealt with grief in my own life, I understand that it is an individual experience for each person. And what was not mentioned and I find it to be true, is that women seem much more prepared to grapple with loss than men. Worth reading.
November 4, 2023
As one who lost her husband shortly after retirement, this book resonanted with everything I know about Grief and Memory of Love and Loss. Although written about losing someone in the 9 / 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in NYC, It drives home that everyone grieves in their own way. Six years later, I have not forgotten my husband. With time, the grief is not so apparent, but still exists.
December 28, 2025
picked this up to read a book in one sitting, stayed sitting with it for a while after it was done
ok so i cried over an ex when this is about death of a child .. whatever
“the other thing his diary is about, the second thing, is grief. in this way, the diary isn’t just a time capsule. it’s a crystal ball”
“he understood that our commitments to one another are what we’re here for— even when those commitments are hard. even when they cause us pain”
ok so i cried over an ex when this is about death of a child .. whatever
“the other thing his diary is about, the second thing, is grief. in this way, the diary isn’t just a time capsule. it’s a crystal ball”
“he understood that our commitments to one another are what we’re here for— even when those commitments are hard. even when they cause us pain”
May 21, 2023
Just beautiful. No wonder this story won a Pulitzer. If you've read "What Bobby McIlvaine Left Behind," then you've read this book. Worth a re-read if you can't recall.
I love Jennifer Senior's writings. Wish I had been paying more attention to her in the past - I only committed her name to memory in Feb 2022 when I read her essay "It's Your Friends Who Break Your Heart."
I love Jennifer Senior's writings. Wish I had been paying more attention to her in the past - I only committed her name to memory in Feb 2022 when I read her essay "It's Your Friends Who Break Your Heart."
January 6, 2024
A stunning work of journalism that deserves this book length form. It’s heartbreaking and profound and so intensely human. Senior’s telling of this story is both haunting and heartwarming and speaks to the universals of love, grief, family, trauma, and duty. It’s a powerful, beautiful book that I’ll be thinking about for a long time.
April 21, 2023
Lovely long-form essay on the twenty-year period of grief experienced by the McIlvaine family who lost their son on 9/11. Definitely recommend for anyone interested in coping (and not coping) with a loved one’s death.
May 26, 2023
I heard about this in a podcast. This short essay book is excellent and is a must read. People all grieve differently. Bobby was an amazing human being for sure. My heart goes out to his family and fiancé at the time and friends.
July 13, 2023
Hard to say exactly what this book is -- a look at how different people grieved the 9/11 death of a young man including his parents and sibling, his almost-fiancé, and friends. There is never only 1 path.
April 4, 2024
A nice piece of writing. I think because of its nature, having been written by someone who is on the outside of a grieving family observing them, it doesn't quite plunge the depths of this thing called grief. But it tells a good story, and does make some important observations along the way.
December 1, 2024
To the giving people, if you could rewind time, love those people the same way and lose them, would you do it again? Emphatically, yes. While I’m not in a place to process my own grief in a singular sense, processing it through the experiences of the McIlvaine family was profound and eye opening.
April 10, 2025
First line: “When Bobby McIlvaine died on September 11, 2001, his desk at home was a study in plate tectonics, coated in shifting piles of leather-bound diaries and yellow legal pads.”
Last line: “And that, in itself, is life.”
Last line: “And that, in itself, is life.”
June 20, 2025
A quick read - Incredible and deserving of the praise it gets. This one essay has me thinking about other death memoirs and whether the "distance" of being written by a journalist just lends it even more meaning.
April 9, 2023
A beautiful long-form article on grief, as experienced by 4 family members.
I would have loved to read a deeper dive.
I would have loved to read a deeper dive.
April 9, 2023
Without a doubt, one of the greatest things I have ever read. This should be mandatory reading for high school and college.
April 30, 2023
Powerful
May 16, 2023
Astonishing -- both heartbreaking and hopeful. Truly just a gorgeous piece.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews