Before All Is Said and Done: Practical Advice on Living and Dying Well

by Pat Miles, Suzanne Watson

For a culture that finds it difficult to talk about the end of life, Before All Is Said and Done is the roadmap we all need to navigate the practicalities of death while experiencing shock, loss, and grief. --Lee Woodruff, NYT Bestselling author The notion of planning for one's death is intrinsically at odds with our human instinct to avoid considering our own mortality. Although we may contemplate the grief that our life's impermanence would cause to our loved ones, we seldom consider the myriad of emotional and legal issues that can arise afterward. Before All Is Said and Done begins with the experience of author Pat Miles Zimmerman and her husband, Charles Bucky Zimmerman. Pat and Bucky were fully set for life but, regrettably, not set for death. After Bucky's death from an abrupt and short illness, Pat found herself with a plate full of unanticipated emotions, decisions, and legal problems. But, as she spoke with other widows, she learned she was not alone in finding herself adrift after losing a spouse. The shock and grief that erupt from such a loss do not create a state of mind fit for navigating the numerous challenges that follow an unexpected death. Pat Miles Zimmerman will prepare us for the oft-ignored problems that run in tandem with somber The shock of loss and what to expect Facing a potential cognitive decline Finding support and healthy grieving Family disputes and blended family issues Caring for yourself after the loss Although we may initially shirk away from the notion of our life's transience, it is powerfully beneficial to ready ourselves and our loved ones for every stage of life -- and death. Before All Is Said and Done weaves the definitive path on how to be set for both.

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Psychology

204 pages, Paperback

Published October 4, 2022

Reviews

[Sheryl Ramstad · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for everyone! Young and old, men and women, healthy and sick--we are all going to die sometime. None of us knows when or how that will happen, but we do have the ability to be prepared. When something happens to us, we want our loved ones to be able to continue living their lives without undue difficulty sorting out our personal affairs. We want them to know what our intentions are for them. All this and more can happen only if we plan ahead and prepare ourselves. Pat Miles Zimmerman learned that lesson the hard way and offers practical advice for others who can benefit from knowing the mistakes she made. Written in an articulate, but conversational manner, the book is easily understood and a page-turner to read. She had applied her award-winning broadcasting skills to a topic that is seldom addressed, yet so important to understand. Miles Zimmerman has given us the primer on how to prepare ourselves and our families for the time when we are no longer around; it is truly a tremendous gift and should be considered required reading for us all!

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much good information. Everyone should be required to read this. I feel good that we have made all the appropriate plans with wills, trusts, POAs, Advance Directives, Health directives, etc. But the information on grieving and adjusting to death itself, as well as self care as you prepare for a spouse’s death is also important. Excellent resource.

[Jan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the message s a good one, but the writing is mostly a compilation of people she interviewed. I heard Pat Miles speak at our AAUW branch, and her experiences as a sudden widow and what she has learned really resonated.

[Robin Pagel · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have had no conversations with your loved ones regarding what info they need, read this book. If you have had conversations, read this book. If you are young or old, read this book. Even if you only get one new piece of information that you haven’t thought of, it is so worth reading. I’m glad I did!

[Rita LaChapelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative and well written. A book everyone should read.

[Terri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a fan of "The Island of Discarded Women" podcast and have had the good fortune to attend the live recording of this wonderful podcast on several occasions. Last week the featured guest was Pat Miles, author of "Before All Is Said and Done: Practical Advice on Living and Dying Well." I bought a copy of the book and met Miles prior to the show. It was one of those evenings where life and entertainment came together at the perfect time. Because of recent events in my own life, I found much to relate to in both the podcast and in the book itself. Shortly after that evening, I started reading the book, even reading chapters out loud to my husband on our most recent road trip. We both found much to ponder here.

Takeaways:

1. Miles interviewed a vast array of individuals who had experienced the loss of a partner, as she herself had. In 2018, Miles' husband, Bucky Zimmerman, passed away shortly after a being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Her own experience definitely makes her an expert on the topic. In addition, in preparing to write the book, she interviewed many individuals who had lost a partner and detailed their stories in the book. The use of real-life stories was extremely compelling. Miles also interviewed, and included the advice of, many experts - doctors, financial experts, death doulas, therapists, etc.

2. Miles is clearly a journalist and not a writer. She simply doles out information here. Though the writing is not great, the book is generally well-organized. The end of each chapter included a list of the salient points made in each.

3. The advice here is for all of us, though Miles speaks most specifically to widows of a certain age. Both my husband and I read the book and are taking stock of our lives so we can assess our own situation and prepare for our own futures. It's really important!

4. Some of the many things that struck me, or were reinforced for me:

- p. 133 - "...the manner of death does not define the life lived."
- p. 134 - "Thank God for the little while."
- p. 158 - "Regardless of how anyone dies, they are teaching us something. It can be a really challenging lesson, but they are showing us something - how to do it or how not to do it."
- p. 158 - "...very few of us learn lessons when things are good, and life is fun. Instead, we learn things when life is challenging and hard. There are many kinds of death over a lifespan: a child goes to college, you leave a family home, you change a career or lose a friend. She said these small deaths are a way to prepare yo for the end of life, and we should be using those lessons as a dress rehearsal..."
- p. 163 - "...the biggest missed opportunity in the dying journey is not engaging palliative care early enough."
- p. 164 - "We all need help with life's transitions, especially one as emotional and heartbreaking as death." (TTN)

I am so thankful for both "The Island of Discarded Women" experience, and for this book coming to me at exactly the right time in my life. I will be purchasing multiple copies of "Before All Is Said and Done" and giving them to loved ones.

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

I saw Pat Miles on the local news one evening talking about this book. I suggested that my church circle might want to read it. We will be talking about it on April 12th. Pat lost her second husband, when he died and found out there were so many things that she just didn't know where to start on all the paper work and how to grieve. Many of the chapters were about loosing your spose, but I felt many of the examples dealt with grieve of a parent or anyone you loved. I will be very interested in hearing what the ladies in my circle think about it. My husband and I are now planning to get more of our paperwork put in writing and ready just in case we will need it sooner rather then later.

[Grace Tolman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was both enlightening plus heartbreaking. I appreciated the way the book was laid out. Hindsight is always 20/20 and wisdom is almost always gained through experience. And I saw that through the stories of the people that have lost a love one. It is always sad and heartbreaking, but their generosity in sharing their experience so that we, the readers, can prepare better and not end up with more regrets later is very valuable.
I think everyone should read a book like this, at least once in their life. Losing a love one is never IF, but WHEN.

[Barb Kehn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a "must" read. The book is full of helpful and practical advice to plan ahead for the inevitable end we all face. Pat shares her story, and stories collected in interviews, in a very clear and readable way.
Reading this motivated me to meet with an elder law attorney to put our estate plan in place. I think of it as a gift to our children, so they will be comforted knowing our final wishes.
Do yourself a favor and buy this book!

[Connie Head · Rating 5 out of 5]

Open Doors














After reading this book, I felt like it was written about me and for me.
Dealing with a loved one that developed dementia is devastating.
Written with such knowledge and understanding , I have given copies of this book to friends.
Connie Head













Connie Head
C

[Ron Jensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very difficult book to read. It covers an important subject - how to prepare and cope with the loss of a spouse. The part of the book on estate planning was useful but most familiar to me. But it was very difficult to read about grief of losing a spouse, effects of living with a partner with dementia, and other topics. I think it is an important book but would only recommend with caution.

[ais · Rating 1 out of 5]

Attended a conference where Pat Miles had a session and I thoroughly enjoyed what she shared as it is true we don’t talk about these topics enough. The book could have been a page. There didn’t seem to be anything actually tangible other than, “make sure you have a will in place, have an estate lawyer, have a financial advisor, etc.”

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

At 75 years old, I have become more aware that death is just a part of living. The survivors bear the burden of grieving while also having to manage all the earthly, important, mundane issues that go along with losing a loved one. It’s important to give your family members the help and security they will need when dealing with a dear life that has been lost.

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should have a copy & read this book!

Great background info; up to date resources; caring; and totally relevant to everyone. Pat is a wonderful writer and brings all her knowledge and skills to bear in this book.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book.

[Kathy Okeson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such practical advice, woven through very personal and sometimes difficult true stories. Easy read, but many helpful tips.

[Kelley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was interesting. Understandable, written with lots of different viewpoints, experts, ordinary people.

[Janine Holter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written book on how to deal, before hand, with end of life issues.

[Molly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A difficult, but extremely important book.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75

[Deanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important book to read. Our own Pat Miles is telling the story of many others that I recognize by their life descriptions. A must read to be prepared.

[Anita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, easy to read & very important information….for everyone!!

[Jane Hotzler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grueling content but I am so glad I read this. I will be keeping this copy if I ever want to re-read or refer to.

[Sue Hedin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Engaging and easy to read with practical advice gleaned from interviews and personal experience. Would recommend this book to anyone facing death, which is everybody.

[Marklutherlawoffice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book about how to prepare for dying, getting your affairs in order, and how to cope with the death of a spouse

[Michele · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful information. Got me motivated enough to take more responsibility with the finances and financial awareness.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Filled with helpful information

[Bob Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartfelt book concerning end of life, preparation by local media celebrity Pat Miles after the passing of her beloved husband. Lots to consider here and help us all prepare for that inevitability.

[Shirley Erstad · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Kathy Vogelpohl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should take time to read this book and prepare for your family for when you're not here ....choices.... conversations ...