The Sex Lives of African Women: Self Discovery, Freedom, and Healing

by Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah

A conversation starter like Three Women but centering the experiences of women of color: a mellifluous chorus celebrating the liberation, individuality, and joy of African women's multifaceted sexuality

Thanks to her blog, Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women, Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah has spent decades talking openly and intimately to African women around the world about sex. For this book she spoke to over thirty African women across the globe while chronicling her own journey toward sexual freedom.

We meet Yami, a pansexual Canadian of Malawian heritage, who describes negotiating the line between family dynamics and sexuality. There's Esther, a cisgendered hetero woman studying in America by way of Cameroon and Kenya, who talks of how a childhood rape has made her rebellious and estranged from her missionary parents. And Tsitsi, an HIV-positive Zimbabwean woman who is raising a healthy, HIV-free baby.

Across a queer community in Egypt, polyamorous life in Senegal, and a reflection on the intersection of religion and pleasure in Cameroon, Sekyiamah explores the many layers of love and desire, its expression, and how it forms who we are.

In these confessional pages, women control their own bodies and pleasure and assert their sexual power. Capturing the rich tapestry of sex positivity, The Sex Lives of African Women is a singular and subversive book that celebrates the liberation, individuality, and joy of African women's multifaceted sexuality.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Africa, Sexuality, Short Stories, African Literature, Essays

320 pages, Paperback

First published July 22, 2021

About the author

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is a Ghanaian feminist writer and blogger. She co-founded award-winning blog Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women and has written for The Guardian and Open Democracy. Sekyiamah is the Director for Communications manager at the Association for Women's Rights in Development and a member of the Black Feminism Forum Working Group which organised the historic first Black Feminist Forum in Bahia, Brazil.

Reviews

[♑︎♑︎♑︎ ♑︎♑︎♑︎ · Rating 3 out of 5]

This compilation is presented as oral history, but I was left with questions about how the selections were made, and how much they were edited, and what drove Sekyiama to include these stories and not others, and why she decided to shape the narrative by dividing the book into roughly equal sections called SELF-DISCOVERY and FREEDOM and HEALING. Simply the act of choosing some stories, and not others, is an editorial decision, and it affected my consideration of the title--THE SEX LIVES OF AFRICAN WOMEN--because I was thinking about the women left out of the picture for not fitting the framework of the book, or because their stories weren't helpful in advancing the story Sekyiama wanted to tell about contemporary African women. Part of my experience with this book consisted of time spent thinking about the way we humans, all of us, shape our memories into little stories we tell ourselves and others, especially when it comes to our most private experiences. These aren't criticisms--I'm just sharing that I didn't relate to the stories in this book as "the truth about the sex lives of African Women" as much as I related to them as individual representations of women's lives, limited in scope and dependent on how much each woman decided to share about their experiences, then filtered by what the book's author chose to include in the final manuscript.

I think I'd feel more comfortable if the title of this book were less lofty--something like: "Some Candid Stories, Told by a Handful of African Women."

[Kemunto Books · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t like this one. The stories were too many and too short. Something was missing. Not enough women living on the continent were featured. I needed more. The one with the Senegalese man with multiple wives, however, was my favorite. The one with the Kenyan man who’s into psychedelics was hilarious and hit too close to home. Moved it from one star to two. The writing was okay. I wonder if the author actually met these women or if she came up with these stories out of the blue. They all seem very one dimensional. Still, I’m glad these kind of stories are here. I can see why some people loved this. Even the not so good ones, should take up all the space they need. I’m hoping for a part two, an improved version maybe.

[BookOfCinz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relevant, timeless and a must read especially for African Women

This is the book I needed to read that I didn't know I needed to read. A great, in-depth look at the sex lives of African women who are living on and off the continent. I felt the collection was layered, informative and truly a great addition to African and African Diaspora reads. It is not every day you pick up a book that delves deeply into the intimate lives of Black Women and I wanted a lot more.

I cannot recommend this collection enough.

[Grayson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I spent a lot of time reading this collection because I just didn't want it to end. Each and every story is unique, powerful, and deserving of individual attention.

Sekyiamah spent six years interviewing African women and has put together a diverse range of their stories together to make this collection. Not only do the women included have diverse life experiences, but have diverse views, sexualities, and gender journeys. There is a lot of LGBTQ+ experience represented here, and the book is all the more rich for including so many different sexual and political identities. There are also some themes that run through the book and get explored by various voices. Running themes include polyamory, sexual abuse, travel within the diaspora, intersectional oppression, sex work, and single motherhood.

This is a global, ambitious collection that hums with the author's love for the subject and her interviewees. People will certainly come away from this book with a much wider idea of what an African woman can be, and how she can exist sexually and romantically.

Many thanks to the publisher, Dialogue Books, for the advanced reader copy of this title.

[Monica Agitar · Rating 1 out of 5]

I simply did not feel sexually liberated. On the contrary, I found the book focused on so many bizarre acts and I felt sad that whatever acts these characters engaged in were seen as liberating.

I found that as an African woman, some of these acts were quite strange. I got tired and sad.

There was no coordination and the author might have tried to over- indulge in these extreme sex lives. These experiences are of a particular group, not at all inclusive.

For me, the book didn’t quite meet the expectations I’d hoped it would, neither does it befit the tittle.

[Julie Ambani · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was phenomenal. I am not too sure how to put in words what I feel about this book. For the longest time, sex and conversations around it were considered taboo. Especially if this comes from young, unmarried women. This book is a collection of stories by African women on their journeys to sexual self discovery, freedom and healing. The stories they share are so moving and empowering. I would like to let my African sisters know that sexual liberation can be achieved, and that it is important to be true to yourself. It is also not selfish to put your needs as a woman first. I would recommend this book to all African women. Good job, Nana!

[Murugi Munyi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to say that I am really glad that this book is over. To sum my review up, this was an amazing idea of a book executed poorly much to my disappointment.

To begin with, the title of the book is slightly misleading in my view. Many of the stories that were featured did not feel representative of African women. The book should have been titled THE SEX LIVES OF BLACK WOMEN. I would have loved to hear more stories from women who were born and raised on the continent. Additionally, some of the stories were quite repetitive and lacked direction. I found myself pausing at the end of some chapters, wondering what I was supposed to be thinking or feeling??!! Like what was the point of what I just read?!

Other chapters were just poorly written, with the timeline, jumping back and forth, which made it difficult to follow the story. In some chapters, certain themes were introduced, and then just left hanging leaving the reader questioning why it was introduced in the first place.

Despite my disappointment with the book, I really feel like this is a step in the right direction in terms of normalizing black women’s sex and sexuality in modern literature. It was so eye-opening to see what sex and sexuality looks like for a young person versus an old person, a heterosexual person versus a queer person etc. I also appreciated how the writer tied some of the womens’ childhood experiences to how and why they experience sex the way they do in adulthood.

I’d love to read a book with the same format/themes but featuring non-diasporans.

[Nasiba · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is raw and brutally honest. This book is a rebellion. Women expressing themselves and sharing their sexual encounters is just wild to me and often i find myself pausing and screaming ''herh, information w) awiase''. I am particularly grateful to the author Nana Darkoah for telling us stories of ourselves, for braving the odds and putting women and sex in the same plot where women are the active tellers. For sharing the stories of women who have gone and demanded pleasure, who realised what sex meant to them and promptly went to get it. Women who have dictated to themselves how their lives should be.

From the journey of self discovery, a place where some of us are beginning to get to. for so long people have told us what to do, how to live our lives, the meaning of our lives and the utility we exist to serve. We have not really known ourselves for ourselves, the much we have known is as a result of people's telling and so to read about women who have also struggled and are on this journey of self discovery makes some of us feel like we are not alone, It makes us realize that we are not demanding too much from life and difference isn't a bad thing after all the rainbow is one of the most beautiful things you would see in the sky. As for me i am still learning to exist in this body as Tryhpena will put it.

The journey to sexual freedom as rightly expressed is not linear, it is a lot of wrongs and trials before getting it, alot of unlearning of shame, obligations and disgrace to get there. To read of women who have been here or who are here was such a great experience for me. I enjoyed it. I laughed, i yelled and i got angry at the same time. I became aware too, and more sensitive. There were some choices of women i did not agree with, like sleeping with people when you knew you may have HIV. Aside that i appreciated the book.

I recognize that some people are healing, actually all women are healing . From childhood trauma, bad sex, toxic relationships among others.

For me reading this book is a step to my sexual freedom.

My disappointment with this book which is really my fault and no fault of the author is that it had most stories of African women living in the diaspora. The disappointment is not on the author but on me because somehow I was expecting stories of women who live in Africa, stories of their sex lives also stories of older women. You know living in Africa and having to explore sex and sexuality is hard so i was looking forward to reading something i can directly relate with which is my fault. I should not have concluded quickly by the title or let my imagination run wild. Because of that prejudice i could not connect very well with the characters. You know i wanted to live in them and them in me but rather it felt like i was reading the stories of people who are outside of me which really they are but i truly wanted more.

Regardless this is a good read and i recommend for everyone.

[Annikky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to this and I enjoyed it, but it would have been three stars, if I hadn't switched to the audiobook. The stories are fascinating, but they are written down in a very straightforward way, as long monologues. Stylistically, I preferred Slimani's Sex and Lies, which gives more context and makes the women come alive on the page. I would also have been interested in more stories from Africa (many women are from the diaspora).

[Darkowaa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t have the words to review this exceptional (in a good and bad way) collection. While some chapters were written better than others (with regards to the flow of the story and editing), this collection of essays is necessary. Its the kind of collection that you just have to discuss with other readers. I just finished a virtual discussion with some readers and my heart feels full. I want to have another discussion when the US edition comes out - definitely!
Buy the book and READ it! And discuss it with your loved ones.

[Wamuyu Thoithi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Equal parts beautiful and heartbreaking. I was nervous that the book would be gimmicky and but it was really just stories about Black women’s lives and sex was part of it.

Not giving five stars because somewhere along the way it felt like there were too many stories. I think 200 pages would probably have been the sweet spot since all the same themes kept recurring: sexual abuse, religion, heartbreak, queerness, polyamory etc.

[Terry Njoroge · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book. It was so refreshing to read stories of African women told from the bedroom, something we don't hear a lot of.
The thing is, I didn't relate to almost all of the stories. My problem with this book was that most storytellers were not African, they were people who were of African descent but moved abroad, and that therefore influenced their perspective of sex. I wanted to read a story about a woman of my mum's age, a church woman or even the pastor's wife. You know, stories from people of all walks of life. Most stories here bled into each other, they were too similar with most having almost the same theme.
These were not stories of African women, but I still I enjoyed them.

[George Ciuri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sex lives of African women? Hilarious

[Wamboi Kay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t enjoy this at the start because of the repetitive themes and most stories seemed to be of African women living in the diaspora. This means that they’re having a different life experience to women who live on the African continent. At the end the author writes “…my conversation with her was a reminder that many black women, particularly heterosexual Black women in Europe, feel unloved, undesired and unseen by straight black men.” The stories became slightly more inclusive as I got through the book and there was more about the origins of how they learned about sex. This is an important book that will bring some form of healing to many.
Loved this line from the epilogue, “ I felt most inspired by the women living life on their own terms, who buck tradition, and fearlessly create and recreate their lives.”

[Ashley Muthaka · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such an interacting read that collected different African women’s sexual experiences, some were light and liberating and others heartbreaking. I loved Nana decided to add her story at the end and it was raw and so honest.

“We all need healing of some sort and when it comes to sex there’s a whole lot of healing that Black and African women need.”

[Nana W. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short stories. Some without depth

[marta · Rating 4 out of 5]

inkluzywna, nieoceniajaca, feministyczna nie tylko w teorii ( ;-) ). + moge byc biased bo mam soft spot dla starych kłirów co moge poradzic !!!

[Juliana Philippa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t really like men but unfortunately I am sexually attracted to them.

4.75 stars

What a powerful book. This is an intersectional look at sexuality, examining the lived experiences of black women all along the gender and sexuality spectrum and from around the world, both from Africa and the Diaspora. It’s a fascinating portrayal of 32 women’s lives and the role that sex and sexuality play in their identity, past history, present life, and future self. Every story was interesting, truly, and opened my eyes, or showed me a different perspective, or made me question myself, or had me wondering more—in some way provoked my thinking, and also in some way evoked a reaction from me, whether interest, disbelief, compassion, sympathy, admiration, confusion, or desire.

Will definitely reread in the not too distant future and I’m sure be able to absorb and learn even more on the second go around. Hoping this book gets selected for my Bookclub next month, as it would be fascinating to discuss with other women.

We often go into relationships thinking that we’re going to become one with the other person, but that is just not a good idea. People don’t become one, people become themselves, and so part of the work is to understand that the other person is evolving into themselves, just as you are also evolving into yourself, and that evolution is very often not the same.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you enjoyed Sex and Lies by Leila Slimani, this is next for you.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was a really honest, diverse, and vulnerable collection of stories about the sex lives of African women across the diaspora. I've read some reviews saying they wish it was more focused on women on the contient, as their lives are so different from women in the UK and US and I agree with that. That being said, this was really new to me and I loved reading the intimate and vulnerable aspect of these women's stories. It gave me so much to think about on framing sex and sexuality. The diversity of age, country, religion, and sexuality was great. I wish there were more stories of women who were happily celibate or monogamous in Mariage though. It would've been interesting to read those stories along with the more open/fluid, " progressive" types of relationships. And also I would've organized this differently, ending with the section on freedom. Because the section on healing was kinda depressing and heavy.

[Nakia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a great idea. I really enjoyed the Self-Discovery and Healing sections of the book and strongly recommend those to others interested in sociology and sexual health.

I think I would have enjoyed this more had the number of shared stories been whittled down to around 4-5 per section, and each included more depth. I remember reading a bookstagram review awhile back that mentioned feeling like there wasn't a point to some of the stories, and I completely understood that complaint while reading. Also, eventually, it became difficult to remember who was who because of the number of women included in the book. Because of that, this felt like a book that should not be binged, but read slowly so the stories will stick. A lot of my book club agreed.

[Lucy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The representation in this book was a breath of fresh air and the different stories surrounding sexuality was very much needed. I tend to binge read short stories but the subject matter was heavy in most so I found myself reading each and taking some time afterwards to process them.

I would definitely recommend it.

[Johanna Lehto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a truely engaging book! I was hooked from start to finish. Such a emotional and powerful book. I most likely will re-read very soon and underline some quotes that really was amazing.

[Henrietta]

The Sex Lives Of African Women

Shocking. Raw. Fascinating. Brutally honest

I learnt so much from this book. New terms especially concerning identities and how various people experience pleasure. ; swinging, tribbing, fisting, kink and amongst others.
You’d see in this book how much of damage seeing sex as a taboo in African culture does so much more harm than good.

Topics ; rape, female genital mutilation, abortion , sex workers, disability, HIV, queerness.

I’d make a post of my favourite quotes soon too.

The essays were gripping and in parts: Self-discovery, Freedom and Healing

I actually enjoyed the first parts of the book more especially because the experiences get similar by the time the end approaches. Unique but similar.

I was literally screaming when I saw @salmaelwardany in there . I love her so much😂 especially her rewriting the dictionary

And I looked forward to reading Nana Darkoa’s because I heard her read part of it at Pagya
Her mention of “Dear” was so relatable 😂

Something I did not like was how the individual essays seem to have a lot going on all at once. I was reading one experience and then the next line was something totally different and my mind was making steep leaps. It was not enjoyable for someone like me who likes patterns and some sort of order.

Sex lives are complicated and even though I did not agree with some of the decisions some of the women made (for instance someone who wasn’t sure about her HIV status but continued to have unprotected sex) I think this book was brutally honest and liberating in deeply sensual manner

[Charlott · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Sex Lives of African Women is exactly about what it states in its title. First starting out as a blog and now finally in book form, Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah has spoken to women accross the continent and in the diaspora about their experiences. The stories she collected are now presented under three sub headlines: Self Discovery, Freedom, and Healing. Though as the stories the women tell are complex the assignment to a subsection is sometimes more straightforward than in other cases.

But in the end, that does not matter at all. Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is a wonderful curator. She puts together a collection of experiences which while surely not exhausting still covers such wide ground. She also does so without falling easily in the tokenizing trap: there are, for example, plenty of queer, lesbian, bi women and multiple trans women so none of their experiences has to stand in for "the queer experience" or "the trans experience". Of course, not all kinds of experiences (spanning polygamy and polyamory, recovering from sexual assault and domestic violence, finding joy and power in BDSM, short and long trails to self discovery, the impact of religion, and much more) are covered multiple times but you can feel the care taken putting this together. It is always very clear that a specific text is to represent this one woman and no more. But taken all together a fantastic mosaic is being built.

I also really enjoyed Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah's writing style. She manages to retain the voices of the different women while also just writing deeply engaging. A book you might want to start and dip in and put of but then find yourself turning page after page not being able to stop.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This collection was everything! It started some great conversations between adults of all ages. I read a few essays while working at a seniors shelter during Hurricane Ian and let's just say some of those senior citizens began reminiscing and unpacking their relationships and what they learned about themselves from decades of sex.

In this collection I recognized myself. I saw glimpses of women I know, women I admire, I saw the woman I hope to become and the one I don't want to be. I loved that black women had the space to express themselves so freely on the topic of sex and sexuality without being judged negatively. Oftentimes we are used to sex being all about men, forgetting that it's better with a partner.

Trigger alert, this book covers topics from love to lust and romance to rape so be warned. It's not always an easy read but it's definitely an essential one.

[Ceh · Rating 2 out of 5]

When Sex is not a topic you discuss in households growing up and the little you are told is more a don't do, then it comes as no surprise that as women we have little or no control of sex and sexual practice when growing up because tradition, culture and religion has made it taboo. Which explains why a lot of sexual abuse and child molestation follows the same pattern whether in a small village in Kenya or everywhere across the world.The collection of stories in this book are a testament to that and an awakening of African women to change the narrative about sex. It was a deeply enjoyable read. The kind that made me question certain beliefs or practices that I as an African woman still hold down.

[Esme Kemp · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read, some of the stories I connected to more than others. It was a jolting read due to the voices of the women and how it was written, definitely like an interview more than a flowing narrative.

I was curious why the Healing section ended the book when it felt like Self-Discovery leading to Freedom was a natural crescendo for the end of the book.

But love the healing that telling these stories no doubt held for the women featured and hopefully lots of women reading it. Also very different and something like this I’ve never read before. Enjoyed.

[Candace Smith-Lee · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like I'm the only one who didn't enjoy this book. Maybe it was bad timing or I missed the message but I found it one dimensional & gave me man-hating/cis hetero-hating vibes. All the stories for LGBTQIA+ were affirming, positive, living your best life feel good stories. The cis hetero stories were about rapists, cheaters, liars & fuckboys, unless the couples were polyamorous or the woman was celibate.

[Karina Karunwi · Rating 5 out of 5]

The liberation. The relatability. I saw myself in too many stories to count. I journaled as I read. I went through many of my own memories as well as present day experiences walking towards more self-discovery, freedom and healing. Beautifully written and compiled. I can’t recommend this highly enough; especially for black, African womxn.