Behind Every Good Man: Helping Your Husband Take Spiritual Lead in the Home

by John Bytheway

Behind every good man is a good woman, the old saying goes. How can a wife help her husband grow and progress and be a priesthood leader in the home without criticizing, nagging, or making him feel like he s not measuring up? As a result of some wide reading, pondering, and research, John Bytheway attempts to answer that question in this book. With his trademark humor and unique insights, the author shares experiences from his own marriage, practical counsel from several marriage experts, and inspired statements from Church leaders. Simple tools such as praising betimes with sharpness and making requests with an exit strategy will bless marriages and help husbands and wives fulfill their roles as they try to lead their families in the latter days.

Genres: Nonfiction, Lds, Religion, Self Help, Marriage, Inspirational, Adult

126 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2009

About the author

John Bytheway (born October 1962) is an American author and academic, who is well known as a comic motivational speaker for youth within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Born in Salt Lake City, Bytheway attended the University of Utah and Brigham Young University (BYU) in Provo, Utah, receiving a Master's Degree in Religious Education. He also served as a missionary for the LDS Church in the Philippines.

Bytheway is a religious studies instructor at BYU, currently focusing on the Book of Mormon. He also serves on the Aaronic Priesthood/Young Women Writing Committee for the LDS Church. Bytheway and his wife Kimberly have six children.

Reviews

[Budd Dwyer · Rating 1 out of 5]

Read this book if you are an anti-choice, anti-feminist, bible-thumping Christian who wants to be prone and pregnant all the time. The author doesn't even seem to realize that he is incredibly intolerant of atheism, Greek philosophy, existentialsim and Buddhism, four ways of living that might be more than fairy tales.

For women who admire Brit Hume only!

[Britt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to preface this by saying I did NOT read this book to "fix" my husband. I think he's a spiritual giant. I read it because the back of the book talks about learning not to nag and complain. I need that.

The book was fabulous. I read this in one sitting. I was hooked. The author uses humor and tenderness to explain that you can not change another person's heart. Only the Spirit can to do that. So he teaches women how to better invite the Holy Spirit into their homes and their relationships. It was wonderful.

[Liz F · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is offensive on so many levels. I pity any woman who reads and enjoys this. They should be ashamed. So should the author. It makes me sick that this type of book can be published and it makes me even sicker that people enjoy this. You people scare me. Seriously.

[Jody Kyburz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer! If it weren't for my husband's consistency, we would have no scripture study or family prayer at all. So, let it be known that I did not read this book because I'm trying to fix my husband--he's great! I heard about this book in Relief Society (someone made a comment) and decided to look for it at the library. I had to put it on hold. The woman who mentioned it in RS had stated that the title was sort of a trick or joke because the book is more about how the WIFE should behave! And it's true. There is nothing new or stellar in the book. John Bytheway simply takes good solid concepts, adds scripture, weaves his personality throughout and sells helpful books. He talks about being positive, giving sincere and specific praise and thanks, and treating our spouse with kindness and dignity. That's all. I found a lot of very good reminders and the book helped me see some of the traps into which I have fallen. The author also quotes extensively from other authors. It's a short little read.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this more than 5 stars, I would. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I have to admit that I have never read any books by John Bytheway, but have listened to his talks. I thought this was wonderfulo book on becoming better wives and helping our husband's become better as well. He points out in this book that women in general in the LDS church ar distressed that more men are not taking the spiritual lead in their homes. Some of it is because we as women take the lead first without allowing our husband's to do so or do not involve him in alot of the daily decision makings. He gives alot of good pointers such as they was we talk, show our love and appreciation, the positive feedback we give, and they way we talk about our husband's when he is not around. This book is so short and only 126 pages and so easy. But what I loved the most was that it was the most simple advice ever because, as John Bytheway puts it, men are simple.

[Kylee]

Got this at a marriage retreat 6 years ago and finally picked it up. 🫣😂 It was a quick read but very old school/traditional.

I’m thankful I could skip over many parts but I do love the reminder that people cannot change people. In order to make changes [as a wife, boss, mother] it requires love of God. Love for God, Love from God, Love like God.

Criticism, contention, resentment, judgement, etc does not lead to positive change. Instead Christlike love, forgiveness, praise and turning inward.

[Staci · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is an excellent reminder of what should be happening in any good marriage, but much can also be applied to any relationship- parent/child, in-laws, and friendship. With the premise that you can't change others, this book examines what one CAN do to invite the Spirit, which ultimately changes hearts and causes people to change themselves. It draws heavily on the works of others, but it is a very quick read in the fun style of John Bytheway.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted more from this book, it was full of anecdotes and quips that brother Bytheway has used in many other talks, which I enjoy, but I didn't feel like it was necessary to put into a new book.

[Alice Gold · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short and sweet book. Really, it will take you all of 20 minutes to read the whole thing.

What did I learn?

Besides the fact that I am not as good of a wife as I thought I was?

#1 And most important (which is really hard for wives to hear) You can't change your husband.

#2 Love your husband. Just the way he is, and you might inspire him to be better.

#3 Be grateful that your husband puts up with you.

#4 Your husband is really a lot better than you give him credit for.

#5 Don't criticize EVER. Unless he asks for it, and even then you have to deliver it in a way that seems complimentary.

#6 Men talk for information, women talk for interaction. Define your roles, needs, and communication styles and then remember them when interacting.

#7 Affirm affirm affirm and let him know you love following his lead. And make a big deal about everything that he does that you like and/or appreciate. Thank him specifically.

#8 Talk about your admiration for each other, especially in front of other people.

#9 Speak each others' love languages.

#10 Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat him as he is the man you want him to become and he will become that man.

[Kim Garner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very quick read...so I read it twice. There are several insights that the author gave about how men think and feel. I want to use many of his suggestions to communicate better with my husband. He has some great ideas for understanding your marriage and making it even better.
*Change can only happen through love, not through criticizing.
*Stop complaining, stop resenting. Start forgiving, start loving.
*Clarify your expectations
*Be generous and specific in your praise and appreciation.

I also like the quotes and antedotes that were presented throughout the book. They are easy to return to as a reminder.

[Sara ♥ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this today while waiting at the doctor's office. (It was a long wait...)

It was a great little John Bytheway book about how to get your husband to take the lead in spiritual things with your family... and also a bit about how men think and what kinds of things they do and do no respond well to (i.e. why wives shouldn't nag). It made me think a lot about how I treat my husband—specifically how I speak to him. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone wanting to know how to get their husbands to step up, or just anyone wanting to improve their marriage/family!

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a short, quick little book with a lot of wisdom, much of it geared towards improving marriage rather than changing your spouse. There's a lot of great advice. Some of it is common sense, but isn't that the best kind? Here's some of the points made by the book:
* Stop criticizing. It doesn't help bring change.
* Make expectations clear.
* Let your husband do things his own way. Don't micromanage (my word, not his).
* Don't take over.
* Be generous in praise.

[Kristy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book! It helped me to be able to change my attitude towards a lot of things in my home, especially when it comes to my husband. I usually don't get into the self-help type books, but this one was written in a way that was easy to understand as well as entertaining! I have applied what I have learned from this book in many aspects of my life and it has worked wonders! Mostly, the no critisizing & complimenting more! It's awesome!!

[Carla/mom · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are some great points to consider in this book. However I still think the woman shouldn't have to work so hard to get a man to take a lead on simple things such as FHE. It's exhausting to raise children and a husband. When will the church start teaching YM to lead a household (instead of playing basketball and camping all the time) as YW are taught to do their part in personal progress?
I believe, unlike the author, it does matter who takes the lead!

[Kris Irvin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had good ideas for how to be a supportive wife, no matter what your situation is. I think it's one you could read over and over again, and still learn something new every time. I really like Bytheway's writing style too. It's very straightforward, and this book is short and simple and a quick read.

[Angee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got it for Mother's Day. Very quick and easy read. I finished it in less than an hour. I enjoy John Bytheway, and got some great ideas from this book on how to become a better wife. It will definitely be one I read again!

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let me sum this up:

1. Don't nag.
2. Use positive reinforcement.
3. Expect baby steps.

Done!

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy, quick read. Loved this book. Reminds us to be kinder, less critical, and supportive. Made me so appreciative to have a husband who holds and honors the priesthood.

[MC · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love everything from John Bytheway! Uplifting content in easy to understand sound bytes.

Many women want their husbands to be the spiritual leaders in the home, to meet their full potential as fathers & husbands - but how do they get their husbands to step up? First of all, you can't force anyone else to change: they have to WANT to change. God does not violate our agency. But there are still things wives can do to help encourage and support their husbands. And even if these don't solve the issue of a husband/father not stepping up, they are still positive, good things to do/good attributes for wives to develop.

Doctrine and Covenants section 121 suggests "persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned" and "kindness." God is the only one who can change hearts, along with the Holy Ghost - so we should focus our efforts on inviting the Spirit into our homes & lives more often. Of course this includes the "Sunday school" answers, but with husbands, it needs to include a few things we need to STOP doing: stop withholding forgiveness, and stop withholding affection/loving words.

Specifically, wives need to give up (or at least cut down on) criticism. Correction is different from criticism, and the Lord will correct us, but criticism (which is more judgment-oriented) cuts down a person. In "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," the authors mention several ways women shame men with their criticism (excluding him from important decisions, correcting what he said, questioning his judgment, ignoring his advice, implying inadequacy, making unrealistic demands of his time & energy, valuing others' needs over his, ignoring his needs, and showing little or no interest in his interests, etc.).

In the book of 4 Nephi, there was peace in the land for 300 years - not because they were great communicators (although good communication skills are valuable in a marriage), and not because each spouse did their respective duties perfectly (even though having equal participation/effort is important), but because the people loved God. This could be interpreted to reflect love FOR God (our love for Him), love FROM God (His love for us), and love LIKE God's (a quality of love).

We are meant to help each other grow and become better versions of ourselves, but the problem arises when the wife's "continuous encouragement" comes across to the husband as "perpetual dissatisfaction."

If criticizing doesn't work (it offends the Spirit among other things), then we still need to identify the problem. Most fall into 3 categories: values, motivation, or competency. A young man might have a desire to serve a mission but feels like he won't know what to do - that's a "competency" problem, not a "values" one. Some men view a wife's input as an insult, like she's questioning his competency, when all she's doing is trying to support him in his role.

Women need to make their expectations clear - which can be difficult when a husband gets defensive, perceiving it as an insult to his competency. Men are defensive about requests on their time - but that's just part of being male. We want "monotaskers" ready to defend hearth & home. So while men DO need to work on not being so defensive towards their wives, women need to let them be men & be very specific about the expectations (when, where, how long, etc. - which also includes a built-in "exit" aka time limit).

Bytheway also includes a statistic from Gottman & Silver's "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" book:

"[T]he ratio of positive to negative communication between spouses that will keep a marriage on a pathway of improvement and increased happiness ... is five to one. That is, as long as there is at least five times more affection, humor, smiling, complimenting, agreement, empathy, and active listening than there is criticism and disagreement, your marriage will prosper."

Most husbands just want respect and admiration from their wives, even if (when) their efforts aren't perfect. Before talking to him or making a request, it could help a wife to ask herself "How will this help my husband feel respected and admired?"

Be quick to and generous with praise, every time he attempts or makes any efforts to do the right thing; it's not manipulation, it's watering the lawn where it's the most needed.

Choose to be a delight to be around. Learn your spouse's love language. Don't deny yourself, your home, your children any blessings just because of a weakness your spouse struggles with - keep up the work yourself and try not to be bitter or resentful about it. Invite your husband, but make it a positive experience (this will more likely result in him making a better choice later).

Read your husband's patriarchal blessing. Treat him as if he already were the spiritual leader you wish he would be (because people meet our expectations & how we treat them, even subconsciously).

[Mandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t understand why there are reviews saying this book is trying to dim a woman’s power and presence in the Church. These people must not have read the same book I did, or they went into it with a set idea about what they wanted to hear.

I found this book very helpful. It acknowledges me and my role and how much I do and am worth, but also discusses the differences between a man and a woman, husband and wife, and how we can actually communicate with our husband so he can start to participate and help take up the spiritual banner that we all want them to take.

I learned more about men from a man’s perspective and how they think and like to be communicated with, and also how I can word things so that it isn’t a “nag” and more of an invitation or acknowledgement so that he not only feels appreciated for the effort, but wants to do more. For people who don’t communicate the same as their male counterparts, that’s helpful.

Another thing I appreciated was the Bytheway mentions it should be the wife or husband taking the lead, it should be a partnership. He goes over discussions to be had and encourages married couples working as partners.

Good read, and highly recommend for those who are actually looking to improve their marriage and outlook with the gospels culture tied in.

[Suzanne Lorraine Kunz Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. It was full of humor and great insights. Can we change someone else? No. But can we create an atmosphere where change is nurtured in loving ways? Yes. And I think this book provides is with great principles to help with that.

Sometimes when there is a problem is is hard to consider the part that we might play in it. But looking at a problem from all sides is super helpful in solving it. And when we can correct what we are doing (even in small ways) to perpetuate problems we become part of the solution. And that feels great!

**Talking Points - Identify what it means to you to have a husband who is the spiritual lead at home. What does he do well? How are you already praising him for his successes and how can you praise him more? What areas could he improve on? How can you best edify and encourage him in those areas? How do you get the encouragement that you need as a wife? How are you a spiritual leader as well?

[Katie Hamstead · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wonderful short read. My parents bought me this book (signed copy!) a few years ago, and I set it aside thinking I didn't really need it. Boy, was I wrong!
I just recently finished the marriage talks by John Lund, and this book reinforced those talks as well as add to the discussions the talks raised. My marriage is so important to me, and I'm so glad the Lord has inspired people like John Bytheway--who I devoured his talks as a teenager--to give helpful advice and guidance filled with love to help me grow and, as a consequence, help my marriage grow. The only downside for me is that this book is so short so I read too fast. But for someone who isn't as avid a reader as me would definitely benefit.
Recommend for anyone wanting to strengthen or take steps toward repairing their marriage.

[Reeds]

When I saw the title, I thought how can he lead, if you're pushing him?
He's either a leader or he isn't. If you wanted a leader, you should have married one in the first place. You can't make a follower become a leader.

Then I read some reviews and this thought came to mind:
You could read this or a puppy training book because it is basically promoting "positive reinforcement."
If you don't hit your puppy with a rolled-up newspaper, don't attack your husband with words.

You lying down on the floor and acting like you don't have a sensible thought in your head isn't going to make him suddenly become spiritual nor turn him into a great and mighty leader. You trying to tell him spiritual truths won't turn him into one either.

Make the most of what you have. Be realistic about what you have. You can't nag a bed-and-breakfast into becoming a national hotel chain.

[Pete · Rating 5 out of 5]

After seeing all the negative reviews on this book, I wanted to share my positive thoughts:

First, you have to read the book in context. It's written by a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints mainly to the wives of Priesthood holders who are not ”proactive” at home. If you are either an Atheist or anti-Christian, this book will offend you. If you are a feminist, this book will offend you. This book contains advice to assist couples who approach their marriage in equality under the Gospel framework.

Second, it's a great book with lots of advice. I'm the husband of a wonderful woman and decided to read this book to see how I could improve things from my perspective. John Bytheway shares some great insights and marriage advice that could help any couple (given the context under #1 above).

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most of this book was really good and filled with helpful thoughts and advice that I will take and use in my life and marriage. Instead of being about how to change your husband, it’s about how to change yourself (which is literally all you can control) to increase the quality of your marriage. There were a few thoughts and bits of advice that I really disagreed with (like the “funny” advice to have sex with your husband as a “reward” for his “good behavior”...ew ew ew, zero stars). I was quite cautious going into this book with some of the poor reviews implying it contained intense sexism, but I think those people read this book with a very different lens and experience than it was intended to be read with.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Straight and to the point. Really enjoyed this book. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but really touched me and how I could be a better wife. I'd recommend most women to read this, not just for ladies looking for a more present husband. This book shed some light into bad habits us wives can fall into. It does also talk about how to help encourage help in the home. I think I'm going to have my husband read this so I can get his honest opinion about the advice given

[Lydia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Packed full of suggestions on bettering your marriage and possibly even 'changing your man'. John delivers with humor and heart.

[Happy Reading Watching · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book by John Bytheway!
How to be positive and supportive :)

[Cindy Hansen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed the book but felt like most of the suggestions were pretty obvious.

[Brenda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even a great book for them men. So helpful and insightful.