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How to Love
Dr. Gordon Livingston’s books have resonated with readers as universally and deeply as earlier books by M. Scott Peck, Rollo May, and Erich Fromm. Now, Gordon Livingston—a physician of the human heart, a philosopher of human psychology—offers an urgently needed meditation on who best (and who best not) to love—and how best to love. Dr. Livingston’s primary focus in this new book is on helping us to recognize in ourselves and in others constellations of character traits and what those traits imply both with regard to compatibility and future conduct. As in his previous books, here are Dr. Livingston’s trademark gifts—an unerring sense of what is important, and what Elizabeth Edwards has characterized as “his unapologetic directness and his embracing compassion”—again deployed to provide readers everywhere with a much-needed alternative to the trial-and-error learning that makes wisdom such an expensive commodity.
205 pages, Hardcover
First published May 25, 2009
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395 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews
May 26, 2014
I normally don't write book reviews, but I feel compelled to in this case because this is one of the worst books I have ever read, for multiple reasons:
1. It's sexist. He makes a comparison between the increasing divorce rate and the women's rights movement. First of all, statistics 101--correlation does not equal causation. Secondly, has he never read one of the seminal women's rights books of all time "The Feminine Mystique"?? Wives and mothers were angry and frustrated long before the second wave of the women's rights movement, BEFORE divorce became socially acceptable.
2. It's discriminatory in general. He makes a "blond leading a blond" joke. I'm not even blond and this offended me.
3. Most of the book--even after the first third that is specifically dedicated to it--is about people to avoid in relationships, but it's basically just a list of negative personality tendencies that we all struggle with. Every person in the world is encompassed to some extent under each of his disorders to avoid being in a relationship with.
4. It jumps around addressing topics that have nothing to do with love, including his own personal beliefs on religion. I happen to agree with them, but I still ended the book feeling like this was his own personal diatribe based not on fact or evidence, but merely his views of the world.
1. It's sexist. He makes a comparison between the increasing divorce rate and the women's rights movement. First of all, statistics 101--correlation does not equal causation. Secondly, has he never read one of the seminal women's rights books of all time "The Feminine Mystique"?? Wives and mothers were angry and frustrated long before the second wave of the women's rights movement, BEFORE divorce became socially acceptable.
2. It's discriminatory in general. He makes a "blond leading a blond" joke. I'm not even blond and this offended me.
3. Most of the book--even after the first third that is specifically dedicated to it--is about people to avoid in relationships, but it's basically just a list of negative personality tendencies that we all struggle with. Every person in the world is encompassed to some extent under each of his disorders to avoid being in a relationship with.
4. It jumps around addressing topics that have nothing to do with love, including his own personal beliefs on religion. I happen to agree with them, but I still ended the book feeling like this was his own personal diatribe based not on fact or evidence, but merely his views of the world.
December 5, 2012
Took me forever to muddle through this waste. Author is judgmental and oversimplifies most topics. I especially did not like the way he presented a veritable "Who to Avoid" list which included people who have been abused to those with mental illness; it was almost as if these people are unworthy, hopeless and a waste of time. It also seemed to me that the implications were there to suggest people should marry within race, only those from upper middle class homes where there was a stay at home mom and a dad who both provided financially and emotionally for his children. I found myself checking the copyright on this a few times thinking it HAD to have been written in 1973...don't waste your time. I was bored, offended and appalled. Not recommended.
July 2, 2010
Mark Helprin says Gordon Livingston was brushed by fire; I'd say more like scorched and scarred. I brought this home because I can't stand not knowing HOW to do anything, most especially LOVE. Gordon suggests that we stay away from sociopaths. Check. Also depressed people.
um.
Livingston writes for the young love-seeker, but with the gristle of an old heart. I couldn't stomach much.
GREAT title, though; and I hold on to an idea found here: that we seek in others what we want to find in ourselves.
um.
Livingston writes for the young love-seeker, but with the gristle of an old heart. I couldn't stomach much.
GREAT title, though; and I hold on to an idea found here: that we seek in others what we want to find in ourselves.
June 30, 2010
Reading this on and off at the moment. It's got some good advice, and some insightful social commentary, but the tone is quite cynical and jaded. Not a happy la-la book at all!
Edit: Read most of this but it was so cynical, whiney and repetitive that I couldn't finish it.
Edit: Read most of this but it was so cynical, whiney and repetitive that I couldn't finish it.
September 11, 2016
My fav quotes:
• Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. Even our capacity for love can betray us; taken to obsessive extremes, it can beget something very like hate.
• And given our human fallibility, the most important quality may turn out to be the ability to forgive.
• We cannot teach what we do not know
• If we wish, therefore, to protect ourselves from disappointment at the hands of others, and if we think it important to recognize those who will enrich our lives, we had best learn the art of pattern recognition when it comes to human behavior.
• humiliation represents a kind of death
• resolving symptoms such as anxiety, depression, even delusions, is usually a lot easier than changing someone’s personality. How much harder it is then to change these ingrained traits in someone who does not see them as problematic and prefers to view interpersonal difficulties as the fault of others
• As in all things, “the wisdom to know the difference” draws us onward.
• love, that emotion that places the needs and desires of another at the level of our own
• Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.
• Life is hard, then you die” concept that keeps everyone’s expectations low and serves as a rationalization for a lot of unhappiness
• If you want unqualified approval, get a dog.
• We require the good opinion of a few others and we long for the unconditional love of at least one.
• The scorpion responds, “It’s my nature.”
• Trying to love someone who does not love himself is generally a disappointing experience
• hypochondriacs, will ultimately be proven right: each life does end badly.
• Few of us, however, are equipped to spend our lives alone. It is no accident that the most feared punishment for those in prison is solitary confinement. Even people already denied most of the comforts of everyday freedom cannot long abide isolation. Of all the psychic pain that human beings suffer, loneliness is for most the worst. Being ignored is the final insult to our humanity.
• Lincoln is supposed to have said, “We’re all responsible for our faces after 40.
• Nothing, it is said, improves one’s reputation more than death.
• Lie down with dogs; get up with fleas” or, more optimistically, “An eagle does not catch flies.
• Why would people spend money to engage in such a process with another human being whose own life may be no happier or more fulfilling than their own? The answer, of course, is that most people find it beneficial to be listened to nonjudgmentally by a societally designated healer. Many benefit equally from similar (and less expensive) interactions with their hairdresser, bartender, or clergyman.
• “The gods gave men fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.”
• advertising industry bombards us with images that encourage dissatisfaction with what we have and how we look and perpetuates fantasies that we can purchase some better version of ourselves
• we get not what we deserve but what we expect
• when we spend time with others we become more like them. Just as soldiers can become brave by being with courageous comrades, so couples who have spent years in each other’s company tend to share emotional, and sometimes even physical, characteristics. This is, perhaps, the best argument for choosing for a partner the person you want to become
• A man wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that his wife is not breathing. He grabs the phone, calls 911, and explains the problem to the dispatcher. “What’s your address?” she asks. “714 Eucalyptus Street,” he replies. “Can you spell that?” she inquires. After a pause, the man says, “How about I take her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?”
• “life is what happens while we’re making other plans,”
• The boredom that characterizes school is good preparation only for work, which is commonly seen as an unpleasant necessity to generate the money needed to enjoy those possessions and activities that do bring us pleasure.
• “Why me?” I have the impulse to answer, “Why not you?” The implication on the part of those who are surprised at bad luck is that they have somehow earned their good fortune, which they expected to persist indefinitely.
• The military has a principle called “unity of command” (meaning someone has to be in charge), which is considered essential for success in war. When this tenet was violated in marital relationships, conflict increased.
• Another thing that we are not taught as children is that much, perhaps most, of our behavior is driven by unconscious needs and impulses rather than being a product of considered thought.
• “Sex is for a little while; cooking is forever.”
• Jack Nicholson’s compliment to Helen Hunt in As Good as It Gets: “You make me want to be a better man.” If someone can evoke this feeling in us, we are truly in love.
• If, however, awareness is combined with patience, we may succeed
• Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. Even our capacity for love can betray us; taken to obsessive extremes, it can beget something very like hate.
• And given our human fallibility, the most important quality may turn out to be the ability to forgive.
• We cannot teach what we do not know
• If we wish, therefore, to protect ourselves from disappointment at the hands of others, and if we think it important to recognize those who will enrich our lives, we had best learn the art of pattern recognition when it comes to human behavior.
• humiliation represents a kind of death
• resolving symptoms such as anxiety, depression, even delusions, is usually a lot easier than changing someone’s personality. How much harder it is then to change these ingrained traits in someone who does not see them as problematic and prefers to view interpersonal difficulties as the fault of others
• As in all things, “the wisdom to know the difference” draws us onward.
• love, that emotion that places the needs and desires of another at the level of our own
• Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.
• Life is hard, then you die” concept that keeps everyone’s expectations low and serves as a rationalization for a lot of unhappiness
• If you want unqualified approval, get a dog.
• We require the good opinion of a few others and we long for the unconditional love of at least one.
• The scorpion responds, “It’s my nature.”
• Trying to love someone who does not love himself is generally a disappointing experience
• hypochondriacs, will ultimately be proven right: each life does end badly.
• Few of us, however, are equipped to spend our lives alone. It is no accident that the most feared punishment for those in prison is solitary confinement. Even people already denied most of the comforts of everyday freedom cannot long abide isolation. Of all the psychic pain that human beings suffer, loneliness is for most the worst. Being ignored is the final insult to our humanity.
• Lincoln is supposed to have said, “We’re all responsible for our faces after 40.
• Nothing, it is said, improves one’s reputation more than death.
• Lie down with dogs; get up with fleas” or, more optimistically, “An eagle does not catch flies.
• Why would people spend money to engage in such a process with another human being whose own life may be no happier or more fulfilling than their own? The answer, of course, is that most people find it beneficial to be listened to nonjudgmentally by a societally designated healer. Many benefit equally from similar (and less expensive) interactions with their hairdresser, bartender, or clergyman.
• “The gods gave men fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.”
• advertising industry bombards us with images that encourage dissatisfaction with what we have and how we look and perpetuates fantasies that we can purchase some better version of ourselves
• we get not what we deserve but what we expect
• when we spend time with others we become more like them. Just as soldiers can become brave by being with courageous comrades, so couples who have spent years in each other’s company tend to share emotional, and sometimes even physical, characteristics. This is, perhaps, the best argument for choosing for a partner the person you want to become
• A man wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that his wife is not breathing. He grabs the phone, calls 911, and explains the problem to the dispatcher. “What’s your address?” she asks. “714 Eucalyptus Street,” he replies. “Can you spell that?” she inquires. After a pause, the man says, “How about I take her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?”
• “life is what happens while we’re making other plans,”
• The boredom that characterizes school is good preparation only for work, which is commonly seen as an unpleasant necessity to generate the money needed to enjoy those possessions and activities that do bring us pleasure.
• “Why me?” I have the impulse to answer, “Why not you?” The implication on the part of those who are surprised at bad luck is that they have somehow earned their good fortune, which they expected to persist indefinitely.
• The military has a principle called “unity of command” (meaning someone has to be in charge), which is considered essential for success in war. When this tenet was violated in marital relationships, conflict increased.
• Another thing that we are not taught as children is that much, perhaps most, of our behavior is driven by unconscious needs and impulses rather than being a product of considered thought.
• “Sex is for a little while; cooking is forever.”
• Jack Nicholson’s compliment to Helen Hunt in As Good as It Gets: “You make me want to be a better man.” If someone can evoke this feeling in us, we are truly in love.
• If, however, awareness is combined with patience, we may succeed
July 1, 2010
Dr. Livingston's book is a great guide to love and finding it in your life. His chapters are succinct and pithy, making it a straightforward and highly productive read. I've shown my Amazon review of his book below:
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Finding The Right Life Partner & Avoiding The Wrong Ones, July 6, 2009
By Lawrence J. Danks (Barrington,NJ) - See all my reviews
This review is from: "How to Love" (Hardcover)
"How To Love" could just as easily have been titled: "Finding The Right Person To Share Your Life With and Avoiding Those Who Can Cause You A Lot of Unhappiness and Pain." Dr. Livingston,a medical doctor and practicing psychiatrist,uses his many years of experience and counseling to teach us how to dramatically increase our odds of finding the right life partner by identifying dangerous behaviors we should be on the lookout for,then pointing out the many essential virtues we should seek.
His short essays on various topics clearly indicate a professional who has had the benefit of hearing many sad stories and sharing that experience to help keep the reader from becoming yet another statistic. Some of the book's headings include:
*The most dangerous food to eat is wedding cake (not that being married is a problem, but sharing a relationship with the wrong person is)
*The trouble with parents is that by the time they are experienced they are unemployed
*If it weren't for marriage,men and women would have to fight with total strangers
It's hard not to like a guy like this.
Two sections really stuck out for me. One was: "No hell is private". It deals realistically with the problems people face when having to deal with drug abuse and how we can become conflicted by wanting to help,yet not losing ourselves in the process.
Another was Dr. Livingston's section on the virtue of kindness. I wrote a book about kindness being a principal road to happiness("Your Unfinished Life").His section on kindness is the best I've read - and I've read many. How would you like to be in love like this:
" In the presence of one disposed to kindness you will notice an absence of guile,an ability to listen,and a disinclination to compete. If you can reciprocate,you will experience a growing feeling of safety and trust. You may find yourself disclosing things about yourself that you previously have been at pains to conceal: fears and vulnerabilities. The need for protection drops away, as does the requirement to be something other than you are. You experience, paradoxically, a growing satisfaction with yourself combined with a desire to be a better person. You feel that a great burden has been lifted from you. You are,at last, good enough. In fact,the image of yourself that you see reflected in your loved one's eyes may be nearly perfect. You would like this moment to last forever. Imagine that."
Dr. Livingston's book is at once a potential lifesaver and a life maximizer, all thoughtfully and eloquently expressed. It would be hard for any reader not to find the Doctor's words speaking directly to many of her or his own life situations, accompanied by wise and experience-based counsel about the best directions to move our lives in next.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Finding The Right Life Partner & Avoiding The Wrong Ones, July 6, 2009
By Lawrence J. Danks (Barrington,NJ) - See all my reviews
This review is from: "How to Love" (Hardcover)
"How To Love" could just as easily have been titled: "Finding The Right Person To Share Your Life With and Avoiding Those Who Can Cause You A Lot of Unhappiness and Pain." Dr. Livingston,a medical doctor and practicing psychiatrist,uses his many years of experience and counseling to teach us how to dramatically increase our odds of finding the right life partner by identifying dangerous behaviors we should be on the lookout for,then pointing out the many essential virtues we should seek.
His short essays on various topics clearly indicate a professional who has had the benefit of hearing many sad stories and sharing that experience to help keep the reader from becoming yet another statistic. Some of the book's headings include:
*The most dangerous food to eat is wedding cake (not that being married is a problem, but sharing a relationship with the wrong person is)
*The trouble with parents is that by the time they are experienced they are unemployed
*If it weren't for marriage,men and women would have to fight with total strangers
It's hard not to like a guy like this.
Two sections really stuck out for me. One was: "No hell is private". It deals realistically with the problems people face when having to deal with drug abuse and how we can become conflicted by wanting to help,yet not losing ourselves in the process.
Another was Dr. Livingston's section on the virtue of kindness. I wrote a book about kindness being a principal road to happiness("Your Unfinished Life").His section on kindness is the best I've read - and I've read many. How would you like to be in love like this:
" In the presence of one disposed to kindness you will notice an absence of guile,an ability to listen,and a disinclination to compete. If you can reciprocate,you will experience a growing feeling of safety and trust. You may find yourself disclosing things about yourself that you previously have been at pains to conceal: fears and vulnerabilities. The need for protection drops away, as does the requirement to be something other than you are. You experience, paradoxically, a growing satisfaction with yourself combined with a desire to be a better person. You feel that a great burden has been lifted from you. You are,at last, good enough. In fact,the image of yourself that you see reflected in your loved one's eyes may be nearly perfect. You would like this moment to last forever. Imagine that."
Dr. Livingston's book is at once a potential lifesaver and a life maximizer, all thoughtfully and eloquently expressed. It would be hard for any reader not to find the Doctor's words speaking directly to many of her or his own life situations, accompanied by wise and experience-based counsel about the best directions to move our lives in next.
August 11, 2010
Hmm. This book is about what characteristics/character flaws you should avoid in a person, because if you don't they will break your heart.
And to attract a mate who has the qualities you want (which he also elucidates) you must tend and grow those qualities in yourself. This is the kind of book which has the advice you should be hearing from the elders in your tribe/community.
To get a good idea of this book, read the table of contents. For example, "The most dangerous thing to eat is a wedding cake" something like that.
I wish I'd read this book in 2000. But you can't go back.
Have you ever tried and tried and tried with someone and it just won't work? It may be that you are dealing with a serious character flaw in the other person. Which means that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it--all the self-help books you read, everything you try, is not going to work.
This book discusses such things; not in great depth, but helpfully.
And to attract a mate who has the qualities you want (which he also elucidates) you must tend and grow those qualities in yourself. This is the kind of book which has the advice you should be hearing from the elders in your tribe/community.
To get a good idea of this book, read the table of contents. For example, "The most dangerous thing to eat is a wedding cake" something like that.
I wish I'd read this book in 2000. But you can't go back.
Have you ever tried and tried and tried with someone and it just won't work? It may be that you are dealing with a serious character flaw in the other person. Which means that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it--all the self-help books you read, everything you try, is not going to work.
This book discusses such things; not in great depth, but helpfully.
March 13, 2010
This book lists and defines the kinds of people you meet in a journey through singlehood that you should avoid and then the ones to seek out. For example, there is a great section reviewing the characteristics of people from mild self absorption through narcissism into a sociopath. I've met them all and wish I'd had this guidebook earlier.
January 4, 2021
I’ve made it 34% through this book and cannot say I’ve heard one thing that relates to the title of this book. I honestly feel /worse/ after the time I’ve spent listening to this man. The first third is a list of potential partners to avoid... which apparently includes people with Depression and Anxiety, not just sociopaths and narcissists. I don’t think I care to even finish it.
November 5, 2011
Should be everyone's handbook kept in their bag for everyday emergencies.
January 1, 2022
I suggest reading generously. Yes, there are outdated views of men and women, sexist stereotypes, and a tendency towards repetition without much digging deeper. But there are gems in here from someone who has seen a lot of pain and suffering spun out again and again over the years, and an overriding message of hope and connection about what it takes to try and love and be loved in an “indifferent universe” that “frequently crush[es] our best hopes and dearest loves.” Maybe it’s because I am grieving, but that message resonated, as the reminder that the only thing that really matters is how the person you’re with makes you feel. Skim what irks you, try and see your past through his point of view, and know that the author truly does want to help relieve our suffering.
August 22, 2020
Lesson learned late, still valid
I pursued this work after completing 2of his previous books. Appreciated his ability to view and expand on questions I knew I had but had not put into words. His gift to approach relationships on a grassroots level and make it understandable was a benefit for me.
I pursued this work after completing 2of his previous books. Appreciated his ability to view and expand on questions I knew I had but had not put into words. His gift to approach relationships on a grassroots level and make it understandable was a benefit for me.
January 8, 2026
Like his other book I read, this is a bit outdated and didn't match my experience due to his over generalized statements about men vs women. But, there were some nuggets of truth or wisdom that I did appreciate or could relate to. So, all in all... it wasn't something I would recommend to everyone, but I didn't hate it.
August 17, 2019
Few books have given me such a discerning view of relationships & love. Deeply insightful, precise and informing in its tone, the book is a must read for anyone seeking a true understanding of what it means to love another human being & what makes for a sustaining relationship.
March 25, 2020
A thoughtful collection of situations we have all been in and how we may have handled them ok.
July 12, 2025
Best described as a 200 page academic paper with a pretty cover. Read the other books.
June 17, 2013
I bought and read this because I enjoyed "Too soon old, Too late smart". I just like the way Gordon Livingston writes about life and love. It is like having a conversation with a wise, supportive and insightful person who isn't afraid to tell the truth.
'How to Love' can be read by people starting out on their journey of finding a life partner and it would help you to frame what to look for, and who to be in order to be a loving person. If, however, you've found yourself picking a range of partners over the years who disappoint and hurt you, then you might like a refresher on what attributes to look for and which to cultivate in yourself in order to lead a happier, more loving life. You may also like to read this just because you are interested in what is this thing called love?
He doesn't get straight to the answer of what is love. Instead he talks first about who to avoid. As I read through the somewhat disturbing stories of people who would break your heart, I kept thinking 'is this really for me?'. I have a life partner and I wasn't planning on trading him in. Then I got to the bit that I wanted to read which was about the essential virtues: kindness, optimism, courage, loyalty, tolerance, honesty, beauty, humour, flexibility and intelligence.
I also like the way he writes and the titles he uses for his ideas. "If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict?".
He writes slim books that can seem slight at times but I find them gentle and challenging at the same time. Clever.
'How to Love' can be read by people starting out on their journey of finding a life partner and it would help you to frame what to look for, and who to be in order to be a loving person. If, however, you've found yourself picking a range of partners over the years who disappoint and hurt you, then you might like a refresher on what attributes to look for and which to cultivate in yourself in order to lead a happier, more loving life. You may also like to read this just because you are interested in what is this thing called love?
He doesn't get straight to the answer of what is love. Instead he talks first about who to avoid. As I read through the somewhat disturbing stories of people who would break your heart, I kept thinking 'is this really for me?'. I have a life partner and I wasn't planning on trading him in. Then I got to the bit that I wanted to read which was about the essential virtues: kindness, optimism, courage, loyalty, tolerance, honesty, beauty, humour, flexibility and intelligence.
I also like the way he writes and the titles he uses for his ideas. "If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict?".
He writes slim books that can seem slight at times but I find them gentle and challenging at the same time. Clever.
April 11, 2016
Jasmine Mireles
English 2
How to Love Book Review
By Gordon Livingston
This book is about a list of virtues a human being uses when hunting for a mate this includes, beauty, courage, flexibility, honesty, humor, intelligence, kindness, loyalty, optimism and tolerance.
Livingston, a psychiatrist gives advice on how to improve these qualities in ourselves in order to attract someone who we can happily spend our lives with. He also lists the personalities and how to recognize them that we should avoid. The most important piece of advice he says is “ appearances can be deceptive so look below the surface regardless of how attractive or unattractive it may be.” This book is focusing on helping us recognize in ourselves and in other constellations of character traits.
One plot in the book was Livingston referring to trying and trying with someone whether it being a relationship, friendship or family and it never working out you both just don't click well, he said it may be a major character flaw in one of the people. Which means that there is nothing you can do about it, every self help book you read , everything you try is not going to work.
His advice in this i think should be a must read for every teen, any person who is considering dating or is dating someone and even divorced people, I think this book can save relationships. I would definitely recommend this to others.
English 2
How to Love Book Review
By Gordon Livingston
This book is about a list of virtues a human being uses when hunting for a mate this includes, beauty, courage, flexibility, honesty, humor, intelligence, kindness, loyalty, optimism and tolerance.
Livingston, a psychiatrist gives advice on how to improve these qualities in ourselves in order to attract someone who we can happily spend our lives with. He also lists the personalities and how to recognize them that we should avoid. The most important piece of advice he says is “ appearances can be deceptive so look below the surface regardless of how attractive or unattractive it may be.” This book is focusing on helping us recognize in ourselves and in other constellations of character traits.
One plot in the book was Livingston referring to trying and trying with someone whether it being a relationship, friendship or family and it never working out you both just don't click well, he said it may be a major character flaw in one of the people. Which means that there is nothing you can do about it, every self help book you read , everything you try is not going to work.
His advice in this i think should be a must read for every teen, any person who is considering dating or is dating someone and even divorced people, I think this book can save relationships. I would definitely recommend this to others.
November 21, 2017
Hhmm, it was ok. Kind of basic. Choose somebody who is kind, generous and generally embodies qualities that you would like to cultivate. Avoid vapid narcissistic types who lack empathy.
There were a few pearls of wisdom that I will take away, such as that we often conflate pleasure with happiness....very true, i'd not thought of it this way. But somehow I've walked away with very little new information....maybe I've missed something? There was a great list of character traits that we can all aspire to embody...but they're obvious. More than anything I will continue to strive to BE all of these things. However in my experience, people can do convincing impressions of these qualities, only to show their true colours once it's too late.
What is most notable is that there is no guidance on how to love when you know what you should want....but time after time, it's still not who you choose. When you're stuck in toxic relational patterns. I guess i had high expectations of this book, but it seemed somewhat surface deep in light of the questions I think a lot of people have.
Still, it wasn't a complete waste of time. It was a quick read and I took a few points from it which I'll remember.
There were a few pearls of wisdom that I will take away, such as that we often conflate pleasure with happiness....very true, i'd not thought of it this way. But somehow I've walked away with very little new information....maybe I've missed something? There was a great list of character traits that we can all aspire to embody...but they're obvious. More than anything I will continue to strive to BE all of these things. However in my experience, people can do convincing impressions of these qualities, only to show their true colours once it's too late.
What is most notable is that there is no guidance on how to love when you know what you should want....but time after time, it's still not who you choose. When you're stuck in toxic relational patterns. I guess i had high expectations of this book, but it seemed somewhat surface deep in light of the questions I think a lot of people have.
Still, it wasn't a complete waste of time. It was a quick read and I took a few points from it which I'll remember.
March 22, 2010
Saw this in the new release section of the library and of course had my interest piqued by the thought of an instruction manual for love. From the head of a psychologist who's done much marriage counseling it was a good reminder of how we make that decision to 'love' someone and how we can so often screw up the concept, melt it into a power struggle or fight for control. Livingston attempts to shed light on how 'love' becomes bickering - arguments over equality and criticism of character. He reminds us that loving another human being requires we first understand and accept ourselves and are ready to give and be empathetic and truly unselfish to partake in real love.
"The real questions about love hover somewhere between rational evaluation and chemically mediated lunacy." (pg. 166)
"The real questions about love hover somewhere between rational evaluation and chemically mediated lunacy." (pg. 166)
July 7, 2010
I would never have picked up this beautifully bound book with self-helpless title, except I found it at the Pt. Reyes bookstore, and they know hidden gems. This book puts down in cold type serious groups of people to avoid, and then spells out what each of us are looking for in others. Sounds simple. His goal is that we pass on this body of knowledge about human relationships to our children. They shouldn't have to flounder and learn painfully. Almost elegant. Author of "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart."
June 5, 2016
There is some great advice in this book and worth reading to identify traits in yourself and others. I liked the section about being the person that you would love. There were sections I found sexist, he did position his arguments based on research and time with patients, but I was surprised by some of the associations of divorce rates increasing with the equality in relationships becoming more balanced.
June 21, 2011
An interesting read - giving me food for thought - on how I would be in a relationship myself. In what areas or traits of myself would cause people to be happy, or unhappy, and ultimately, potentially leaving me. It also highlights things about expectations, especially between a parent and child which was very different to my upbringing, but I could see value in his words.
September 26, 2013
Pretty good. Not necessarily judgmental but does dance on the line at times. It helps remove a lot of fantasy tied in with relationships. A lot of it stuff you already sorta know but don't listen to, atleast for me it is. It is a good read to become more grounded in searching and making relationships. Very practical and applicable.
January 22, 2014
A good read for reminding one how to spot red flags when we're attracted to a person, relying heavily on the DSM diagnoses. Sometimes felt like no match can be healthy, but if you stick with it there are moments of hope. Sort of like real life.
March 15, 2011
like it and keep it handy
June 28, 2011
A beautiful book.
June 25, 2011
Very marriage oriented. Not my thing at this time.
December 20, 2012
it was ok..interesting but not the type of book I want to read all the time
March 16, 2013
While Gordon Livingston doesn't share the faith that is so much a part of my life, he has amazing understanding and insight of relationships and human nature! This book is very helpful.
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