Don't Look Away: A memoir of identity & acceptance

by Danielle Laidley

'It's an inspiring, disarming, and deeply moving book, and it deserves to be widely read.' Craig Silvey

Now a Stan Original Documentary.


Fearless. Tough. Uncompromising.

This was the persona of former elite footballer and senior AFL coach Danielle Laidley.

Fearful. Vulnerable. Uncertain.

This is how Danielle felt for most of her life.

For the best part of five decades, within a hyper-masculine sporting environment, Danielle Laidley harboured a secret. As a boy growing up in the backblocks of Perth, as a teenager and young man playing AFL, as a married father of three, she knew she was female, regardless of the gender she was assigned at birth.

For years Danielle lived a compartmentalised life, managing her secret first with a relentless quest for sporting success and workaholism, and eventually with substances that dulled the pain. She covertly experimented with her transgender life but eventually rumours began to circulate. The walls started closing in. Then there was nowhere to hide.

This is an unflinching account of what it's like to know you don't fit the body you were born into, and the desperate measures taken to mask the fear of being outed, of losing those you love. It's also an uncensored behind-the-scenes look at elite football from the perspective of player and coach, where Danielle is both participant in and analytical observer of her double life.

It's about the courage it takes to step into the world as Danielle May.

Genres: Audiobook, Nonfiction, Queer, Biography, Memoir

350 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 1, 2022

Reviews

[Sarah Lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. It’s been a week since I finished reading ‘Don’t Look Away’ but I still struggle to find the words that will do her book justice.

First and foremost, thank you Dani for sharing your painful, honest and raw account of life before football, during football and the present day. I can imagine it takes a lot of courage to share such vulnerable parts of your life and that I thank you for. It’s an immense privilege to be able learn more about you and your highs and lows.

As soon as I turned the last page, I felt really proud and hopeful along with a tinge of sadness and devastation. I’m furious at how Dani’s privacy was violated by the police officers. It’s disgusting, immature and is a reminder of how far we still have to go to to make the world a safer place for transgender people. It was heartbreaking to read about Dani’s decades-long battle with her identity and having to hide her true self for so long. Although it hasn’t come easy, I’m glad she is finding peace.

As we know, toxic masculinity / discrimination is fairly rife in the AFL men’s world. It’s 2023 and there still hasn’t been a gay footballer (come out so far anyway) so when a very well known ex-player and coach is now ‘out’ as a transgender woman, you wonder how the sport will react. Thankfully it sounds like most of it has been a positive experience. It’s been really great to see Dani facilitating a connection between the AFL and the LGBTQIA+ community and I hope it will continue to grow and that more people will choose acceptance over hate/discrimination.

It’s infuriating to read transphobic social media posts/comments, especially aimed at Dani. We still have such a long way to go towards acceptance. I know so many people need to read Dani’s book and sadly, the ones who do incite hate are the ones who won’t. You don’t have to understand what it’s like to be born into a body you don’t identify with but you should make time to listen to the stories from the transgender community. Empathy and acceptance goes a long way.

Very unsurprisingly the book is quite sport heavy which even as an average AFL fan, I found it quite difficult but my advice is to persist through that because it’s well worth it. Listening and learning is so important.

4 ⭐️

[elbow ☆ · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars
i was lucky enough to meet danielle and have her sign my copy of this wonderful memoir at an event hosted by my local library a while ago. for some reason, it took me ages to pick it up! since then, i have come to understand more about the transfemme experience and have actually started to care about football, so i think i read this at the right time!

i read the first 200 pages of this book in one sitting. no music, no snacks, no distractions. it was incredibly honest and vivid in the way that it depicted danielle's childhood and time as a professional footballer. (the only reason i put it down was because it was well past my bedtime!)

it was honestly heartbreaking to know that danielle knew she was a woman from such a young age, and has had to live her life in hiding for so long. i was so moved by her recollections of early friendships with trans women and the moments that she knew. what's even more difficult to stomach is the ongoing rift that danielle has with her children. reading the dedications to them was pretty difficult knowing that those wounds haven't been patched yet.

danielle laidley truly is a trailblazer for lgbtq+ acceptance and visibility in afl, and she makes me proud to support north melbourne*. i knew i was onto something 13 years ago when i picked a footy team!

(*disclaimer: i really only care about women's footy)

[Chee Chee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her life story is incredible - and punctuated with so many big news events from my lifetime. I don’t always like memoirs, but this one is told beautifully (although I confess I skipped through some of the football bits).

[Annabel Chambers · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book was so interesting. Unlike a story I have heard before, Dani Laidley’s life is so complex and deep that it was so interesting to read about. Coming from a start footballer and AFL coach of many teams, hearing about her gender dysphoria intrigued me and allowed me to learn more about the trans community from a perspective that seemed all too familiar. Dani’s story is deeply troubled aswel, but it’s evident she is a strong woman who should be proud of where she is today.

[Cindy O’Neill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a heartbreaking and honest story told by a true heroine. It takes a lot of heart and a lot of guts to be your true self. Amazing, everyone should read this book.

[Hala · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is certainly a unique sporting biography as former AFL player and coach Dani Laidley documents the highs and lows of her career while hiding her true self. In 2020 her secret was revealed to the world after a shocking betrayal, and here Dani recounts her struggle with transgenderism whilst surviving in the hyper masculine world of elite football. Dani writes frankly and honestly about her double life which unfortunately starts to run off the rails with suicide attempts, gambling and drug addiction. As the title suggests, don’t look away, Dani has an important story to tell about identity and acceptance. It is gratifying to see Dani now living openly as female and advocating for the rights of transgender people. Essential reading for all AFL fans, this sometimes funny and always moving work is highly recommended.

[Sherry Mackay · Rating 2 out of 5]

I expected this book to include a fair amount of stuff about being transgender but 90% of the book is about football which I am not interested in. There was a very very small part at the end about being transgender. I can’t say she comes across as a very nice person. And it seems that saying you’re transgender somehow excuses all the terrible behaviour. Whereas I think we are what we are. And I feel she may not be very nice. I also thought it was interesting how very famous she thought she was. I’ve never heard of her. Even when she was a football player.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will hands down be one of the best books I'll read in 2023. It was insightful, sad, informative and engaging. Thank you for sharing your story Dani. Special mention to Rebecca Macauley who narrates the audiobook - she has done an incredible job at conveying this story through voice.

[Lea Hadley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! Danielle tells her story from childhood to present with honesty and no blame. A tough childhood in Bulga Perth, an illustrious football career as a player and coach, drug addiction and the constant mental dealings associated with gender dysphoria. The football journey is informative and you learn a lot about Danielle’s fellow players and coaches. Very interesting, especially if you are an AFL follower. The manner in which the AFL, friends, medical professionals supported him is admirable.The actions of a few police persons in sharing photos of Danielle while she is being interrogated after being arrested is shameful and the disciplinary action not enough. The charges against them were dismissed. This book highlights the mental pressure that trans people go through and the constant knock backs from large sections of the community. 85% of trans have been diagnosed with lifetime depression and 43% have attempted suicide. My understanding of the trans person has benefited by reading Danielle’s book.

[Shannon Austen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A surprising book. I read it for a book club and to tell you the truth; a memoir from a Footy player isn't something I would usually pick up, but I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I loved the juxtaposition between the hypermasculinity often presented by Men's AFL interposed with the experiences of Danielle Laidley grappling with her feminine identity while trying to exist in that world. I loved that I spent the whole book thinking how my footy obsessed Brother should read it because he'd love all the footy talk and how it seemed bizarre that our interests and communities should cross over in this book (my brother being the Footy playing boy's boy and me being the queer art kid in the family). I loved that I learned more about the AFL community which I had all but written off as the home for toxic masculinity and I love that maybe other readers will be drawn to the book because of their love of Footy and that maybe they might learn a thing or two about the queer community as well.

[texbsquared · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written with a lot of very self-reflective elements, but I'm not impressed that the author has chosen not to speak about her stalking charges (except for a very brief and impersonal post script), or that she had little to nothing to say about the abuses of Wayne Carey.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm still trying to make up my mind about this book. I listened to the book on audio and had to stop every now and then just to regroup my thoughts about the narrative.

I think the middle section of the book which is so focussed on Laidley's career as an AFL player and coach is not such a great story for the average reader who may not be into sport. Laidley's recounting of game after game, player deal after player deal, salary hikes, sporting injuries and so on just became tedious after a while. I imagine that some people in the world of professional sport or sports celebrity might find this compelling, but I did not.

I found some of the narrative around her gender struggles - especially early life - to be touching and affecting. But even this seemed to evolve into a race to break Laidley's PB on how daring she could be. And there was a lot of daring. Fuelled it seems by a raging drug habit and a massive salary, Laidley spirals into a personal nightmare about three quarters of the way into the story. It's sad and raw and one can only wonder at Laidley's life at that time.

The brake on all the self-abuse and a pathway to her assuming a more measured life comes when she is arrested and sent on a drug rehabilitation program. The book more or less wraps up after Laidley emerges from the rehab program and starts out on a new relationship with someone who was an old friend from school.

I was left with the feeling that this was a very unfinished story. Although, the way that the narrative plays out has Danielle and her new love more or less disappearing into the sunset, I was left feeling quite uneasy about such a fairytale ending. Doubly so because Danielle is in so many ways new to living publicly and full time as Danielle. Gender transitions take time. And for anyone transitioning later in life, there's a lot of work to do with reconciling past and present and forging a sustainable future.

Laidley's account of gender transition is not alone in this respect. There are many accounts which have been written not long after social (and often surgical) transition. They can be fascinating and sometimes educational accounts of what it might feel like to be transgender. They can give non-transgender people an insight into things like gender dysphoria, or the debilitating effects of living two lives - such as this account does. But these narratives, ending as they do not long after transition, can only go so far.

Theres a tendency for people to assume that there's a sameness to the transgender experience, but people would be wise to remind themselves that just as no two non-trans lives are the same, no two trans lives are the same either. Transgender people are still a very misunderstood part of the community and, while everyone has an opinion, very few have ever knowingly met a transgender person. Even fewer know a trans person intimately.

I was left with a lot of questions about Laidley's family at the end of the book. Perhaps, Laidley was protecting her former wife and children by leaving the details at a minimum - and I get that. Also, family members might have requested to be minimised in the narrative. Also understandable.

I'm glad that Danielle Laidley has written her story. It at least is a much needed reminder that Transgender people - in this case, a transgender woman - can be found anywhere in society. Hopefully, her work in creating awareness of trans people in the world of elite sport will help reduce the very real prejudices that exist in the world of sport around gender diversity.

[Sportyrod · Rating 4 out of 5]

Scandalous autobiography. Worst outing ever. A transgender woman was arrested for drugs and stalking. When they realised who it was, the national news was all over it like a rash.

Danielle Laidley, formerly Dean Laidley won a premiership with the North Melbourne Kangaroos (the team I go for) in 1996. She went on to become a coach. In her story, she says that she knew she had gender dysmorphia from a young age but kept that part of her life compartmentalised until she could no longer contain it. “This other self sits there throbbing, a lump on my waist, trying to get out, wanting air and light and love, like a conjoined twin…”

She had some friends in the queer community to talk to, but she kept it secret from the football world and the people that knew her. “They ask me questions, too. Are you attracted to men? I’m not. As my trans identity grows inside, my attraction to women extends a little to transgender women, but cis males? I don’t find that form interesting or attractive at all.” I was very curious about this. Traditionally men’s football is blokey and there is an assumption of homophobic attitudes. This autobiography proved otherwise. Yes, there were some uncomfortable moments and spreading of rumours, but most people who suspected anything kept it to themselves and treated Danielle as the Dean she presented, and as Danielle later on. There were dozens of people from my team who supported her, and none were named as being unsupportive. I think that’s incredible. Contact sport gets a bad wrap for perceived attitudes on the queer community, and it’s one that is rarely tested at the highest level of competition (in this sport). Until now. Or rather from 2020 when the story came out.

Back to the autobiography…unfortunately there is a long battle with drugs and erratic behaviour once she leaves the football world. The storyline goes between the need to be authentic and the drugs to manage the emotional pain. It’s not my journey, so I’m going to leave that there. She is quite open about the drugs, but readers will need to do their own research on the stalking side of the story.

[Ally Ward · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Don’t Look Away” is the self-discovery of identity memoir by Danielle Laidley.
Laidley’s story is a personal account into the life of a former elite footballer and senior AFL coach who struggled with her true identity for most of her life. From growing up in Perth as a boy and playing in the hyper-masculine world of Australian Rules Football to becoming a husband and father, Danielle Laidley grappled with the knowledge that she was female, regardless of her assigned gender at birth.

Laidley’s memoir is fearless in its honesty. She takes readers through the highs and lows of her life, from her relentless pursuit of sporting success to her use of substances as a means of coping with the inner turmoil. The book also reveals the challenges of living a double life and the constant fear of being outed.

Danielle Laidley’s journey is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and a beacon of hope for those who struggle with their own identities. As someone who doesn’t follow AFL football I didn’t know of Laidley’s story before this memoir. Laidley’s story is brutely honest, and the strength that it would have taken her to be her true authentic self in a sport so dominated by masculine testosterone is admirable. Laidley has also shown outstanding strength to bring herself back from rock bottom.

“Don’t Look Away” is a beautifully written, inspiring, and impactful book that deserves to be widely read. This is a must-read for anyone seeking a good memoir about someone who has struggled but then has conquered.

[Bianca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of Dean Laidley who is now Danielle Laidley.

Danielle Laidley is a trans woman, well known in Australia as a male footy player (Australian Football) and then a coach.

He got apprehended by police dressed as a woman. Some not-so-nice policemen leaked the photos and the arrest charges to the media. That was kind of a blessing in disguise as Dan had to come out and disclose his gender dysphoria. That was only 3 years ago. It was a challenging time as Danielle was a father and husband, son and brother. When he was apprehended, he was addicted to ice. The drug rehabilitation gave him the opportunity to recognise among, other things, that his drug use was also due to trying to cover and disconnect from the fact that he felt, wanted to be a woman, something he's been struggling with since he was a little boy.

It was good to learn about Danielle's life. As football was and still is an important part of her life, it's covered on many pages. Those parts were of little interest to me.

While Danielle is continuing on her transition path, she's now an ambassador within the AFL (Australian Football League) for inclusivity and acceptance. It's lovely to see how much more accepting society is becoming, may it continue on this path.

[Phebs Cinnabon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not an AFL fan myself, and while I do think that the first 2/3 of this book was heavy on AFL, things fell into place in the last 1/3 and you could see the more authentic, honest side of Danielle come out. I could feel her anxiety and shame so clearly, especially with when she had accidentally sent photos to her kids and the police officers snapped photos of her. Despite all the challenges she’s been through, Danielle is a resilient role model for others in the LGBTQIA+ community, and also in AFL, which has traditionally had such a hyper masculine culture. I will say though, that a lot of her transitioning was focussed on the impacts on the public and the AFL community. What I found myself yearning for was to hear Danielle’s story of how this impacted her relationships with Joanne, her children, and brother, and how she managed to reconnect with them. Well done Danielle for writing an important book and for spearheading change among AFL culture, and promoting much needed and necessary inclusivity.

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading paperback, not Kindle edition... I'm not a football fan. Nothing against it as such, but not interested in watching games or following it in any way. So I don't know the names of players and I don't follow the news and gossip about players and AFL staff. I had vaguely heard of a trans woman who was somehow involved with North Melbourne Football Club. I picked this book up because I'm interested in own stories of anyone who has a life experience different to mine - and probably some people who have similar experiences to mine. Danielle's (or Dani's) voice is strong in this memoir. She is open and, one assumes, honest about the good and the bad. It wasn't an easy road for her and she kept her real self hidden for the longest time. I was slightly amazed, but also very happy, to read of the reaction of the AFL and the people she worked with, to her transitioning, but also to her drug addiction. So many people seem to find it easy to look down on people with addictions, but they were supportive and ready to help in any way they could. THAT is refreshing and so very good to hear/read. While maybe Dani is not always overly likeable, she is real - very real. After all, who among us is likeable every day of our lives? I know for sure that I'm not! I hope this book finds its way into the hands of the people who should read it. I hope it opens some eyes and maybe even encourages others to share their real selves, whatever that might entail...

[Emilie Rumble · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. Being a North fan, and a transgender advocate - I couldn’t wait to read this memoir. But I wasn’t expecting it to be so beautiful, so rich in detail. The way Danielle tells her story weaving her two worlds together from the very start of her life took me on a visceral journey that felt like a rollercoaster with highs and lows equally compelling. Honestly, this will be the first and only football book I’ll read (unless Danielle writes another book) but it won’t be the last story about transness I’ll read. This book is so unique, because Danielle has come out guns blazing into tell her story… that is a great achievement in itself alongside all her other incredible achievements! Read this one, you’ll love it!

[Sarah]

I don't feel comfortable giving this a star rating, but it was engaging and informative and I found it an accessible read as someone who doesn't know or have much interest in the behind-the-scenes of AFL, every time a couch or player was mentioned Danielle explained to me/the reader who they were and how they were connected to her story and life. It also had short chapters and was written in chronological order.
I was curious about this memoir because like many Australian I found out about her forceful public outing as a transgender woman through the newspapers and wanted more detail about the context in which it happened. For the most part it did do that.


Popsugar Reading Challenge 2024 prompt #7: A book about women's sports and/or by a woman athlete.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important story told by an Aussie AFL icon I didn't even know existed. I know the kids that her story will speak to, reassure, and provide hope to. So much hardship. Such a long journey. If only we all had the courage to be exactly who we want to be, without fear or judgement. Times are changing. I hope it can be easier for current and future generations of individuals struggling with their gender identity. It rests upon all our shoulders to treat everyone with dignity and respect. To accept people for who they are. And to teach our children to love, support and celebrate individuality in all its forms.

[Sophie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Purchased on a gals trip (I think?), this is another punchy memoir.

I liked the footy content and discussion of changes to the AFL over time, but wonder if there was space for more analysis of the Aussie sporting culture? Maybe not. Similarly I wanted more self reflection and insight, but it still felt pretty honest. The postscript is unusual because it’s out of whack with the timeline, but I guess maybe there were legal things preventing any more candour? Likewise with Danielle’s relationships with her daughters. Dunno, I’m a bit conflicted. I guess maybe I feel honoured to have read her story, but don’t think we would get on?

I’ll be passing this one on to Dad.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written
Really broadened my understanding on transgender life I think.
It is very”sporty” which is understandable considering her life lived within the world of highly competitive masculine sport and the sport side of this story is definitely outside my area of interest and understanding, but the process of Danielle really learning how to live authentically was interesting.
If only we humans could accept each other as we are with all our quirks and variations. If only.
Respect and gratitude to Danielle Laidley for bravely sharing her story so openly.

[Kerri Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

An explosive insight into the life of Dani Laidley a transgender woman who lived in the body of a man for 5 decades. When she was outed, she decided to take the bull by the horns and live her authentic life. This was a well-written and I enjoyed the interplay between Dani's personal life as well as the footy life she made a career out of. Highly recommend this story for genuine insights of how this must feel.

[pollymuz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Paperback. This story was a walk down memory lane and a reminder of history that I lived through. I was unaware of what an impact Danielle then Dean had on the AFL history. I think the market for this book is limited as you can not relate to a lot of the story unless you are from that era and have followed AFL. I really enjoyed it, and I think so many men of our era would too but will be too scared to read this book.

[Katie O'Rielly · Rating 5 out of 5]

totally my bad for not expecting this from a memoir of an afl player but christ there’s a bit of footy chat in here. genuinely heart warmed by the way danielle describes her current relationships with people she has played and worked with within the afl but can’t help but think the experience is different for outsiders looking in. maybe that’s just cynical tho. also luvvvv donna what a little slayer !

[Brigid O'Meara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that stays with you.

I wasn’t born with Danielle was playing AFL and I’m too young to remember her coaching career, so I was hearing her story for the first time. The AFL history interwoven with Danielle’s gender dysphoria was beautifully done. It’s hard to believe this is one persons real life. “Being myself” captured this perfectly.

[Sam Proietto · Rating 5 out of 5]

(9/10) I don't have much critique to say, especially since I don't really read biographies. I am a trans North Melbourne fan for whom Danielle Laidley was the first coach I ever saw, and I'm not aware of basically any other narratives about trans people in men's sport, so this book appeals to me quite specifically. I think basically any sports fan would get a lot out of reading it.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a slow burn. I really didn’t enjoy the start with all the football details. I had trouble summoning empathy. Once Danielle found her true self and started to come out, I came to love and respect her.

2023 Non Fiction Readers Challenge - Sport

[Katrina Bradfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an extraordinary read, and a very brave account of a troubled life lived on the very masculine stage of AFL footy. It makes you think and takes you out of your comfort zone as you see what Danielle suffered and came to terms with. Highly recommended

[Juno Babić · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written and brutally honest, but way too detailed in the play by plays of football games. Also left out some details around her arrest that seemed important, the storyline didn’t quite make sense without mentioning that she had stalking charges. But still a beautiful journey.