Let's Talk: 'A brilliant book on the art of conversation' Matt Haig

by Nihal Arthanayake

'Read this fascinating book and you'll become a better listener, a better conversationalist and better company' Adam Kay
'A brilliant book on the art of conversation' Matt Haig
'A compulsory book for these divided times' Sathnam Sanghera
'An intriguing exploration of the importance of a proper chinwag' Sara Cox
'A terrific book from a terrific broadcaster. Worryingly good'' Jeremy Vine
'An insightful, important read' Stacey Dooley
'A genuinely brilliant broadcaster' Matthew Syed
'Fascinating and thought-provoking' Jane Fallon
'Informed, open-minded, fair, astute, caring and funny' Ricky Gervais
'A grand theory of conversation' Dan Snow
'The conversation king' Laura Whitmore

...

Conversations are broken.

While effective dialogue is supposed to lead to greater fulfilment in our personal and professional lives, all the scientific evidence points towards us sharing fewer interactions than previous generations. From ever decreasing face-to-face meetings to echo chambers online, we no longer have the necessary tools to talk to each other.

Nihal Arthanayake is bucking this trend.

He wants to know what it really means to have a 'great conversation' and, most importantly, how he can teach us to have better interactions in our everyday lives.

Let's Talk blends Nihal's experiences as an acclaimed interviewer with expert opinion on the secrets and psychology behind successful communication. From tracing the evolution of dialogue to discovering what lights up in the brain when we're enjoying a good discussion, Nihal speaks to conversational authorities including Lorraine Kelly, former president of Ireland Mary McAleese, Professor Tanya Byron, internationally bestselling author Johann Hari, Matthew Syed, and many more, to find out why good conversation has eroded over time and how we can fix it.

Part how-to and part manifesto, Let's Talk is Nihal's accessible, anecdotal and invigorating toolkit to having better conversations with anyone, any time.

Genres: Nonfiction, Communication, Book Club, Self Help

277 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 18, 2022

Reviews

[Elisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very poor writing, a self-serving book. Takeaways could've been condensed to a blog post

[Wesley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Everybody is great.
The author is great has many awards and even Rod Steward says he's a gift!
His guests are the biggest, most famous, most inspiring in the world!

Social Media is bad!
Even though the author has 103.000 tweets.
To put that in perspective... that's a tweet every 30 minutes for 10 years.
According to Johann Hari which is literally quoted in this book saying that such a thing as tweeting keeps you distracted for about 25 minutes every time... Nihal is probably not really trustworthy on the subject. And, according to his own admittance he's distracted for at least 25 minutes every 30 minutes.

I managed to finish the book and I actually like the chapter with negotiator John Sutherland (again, he's the greatest while the rest of the police force is very bad!) the rest of the book is so shallow, self-absorbed and haphazard that only a rating of 1 is fitting.

[Andreea S · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt like listening to the writers’ (journalists’) opinion piece, many personal half told anecdotes and very few paragraphs in each chapter sharing facts, studies or source of information that informed their opinions.
Even the professional interviews are very superficial, no insight of what sits behind them apart from job title and area of work.
On the bright side, the writing style is very easy to follow (listen to) showing the writers experience in radio.

[Patsy Whiteman · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5
This was a bit too anecdotal, I wanted a bit more scientific research to back up all the points he was making.

[Frances Tait · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most of the text is common sense, but everyone sometimes needs to be reminded of common sense. When the lesson is to actually listen to other people in conversation I, sadly, need frequent reminders. Not especially original or insightful, but easy to read and solidly put together. The beginning of the book, with its history of how societies perceived conversation, was interesting enough to me to raise this to a 3* review.

[Debs Field · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this at the same time as Malcolm Gladwell's Talking to Strangers and despite the books being on a similar topic/approach, this is hands down the better of the two. Nihal has a brilliant way of using his voice as a facilitator to help you learn from the experiences of others in a way that are understandable and compelling. He doesn't put his ego in the way but acts as a tour guide using his vast talent from honing his career on the radio. Absolute nuggets in this book and a great motivator to put down the devices and just talk.

[Karina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nihal's book didn't introduce me to new ideas around communication. It did however introduce me to some really interesting people whose stories I hadn't heard before. I think sometimes, unfortunately, the book moved towards advertising for his talk show. I think this book would have worked better in a different format- maybe a podcast series. I enjoyed the voice clips of the people he interviewed and I wish that dialogue could have been more present.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book really underdelivered.

Instead of providing a “tool kit” for better conversations (as promised in the blurb) it was more of an exploration of the topic by way of the author chatting to people he deems to be experts in the field. Unfortunately most of these takeaways are really very basic (empathy and active listening are not new concepts) and the author pads out the book by inserting an abundance of examples of radio interviews he did that were just oh-so-amazing. If you feel you have to spend half the book justifying why you’re qualified to write it, maybe you shouldn’t be writing a book in the first place.

Would have been one star except for the chapter on documentary filmmaker Deeyah Khan, who harnessed an incredible amount of empathy and conversational ability in connecting with members of the American far right. Her motivation to find common ground with people whose political stance is built on attacking her way of life and her freedom is truly amazing and inspiring. I will definitely be watching her documentary and following her further work.

Aside from that chapter there was nothing of value in this book for me.

[Leonie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Annoyingly, I couldn't finish it as I couldn't renew the library copy - three people in line behind me to read it! I got to page 172 and hope to come back to it at some point.

It's a worthwhile read but I think it would've been improved by Nihal directly quoting his interviewees more often, rather than telling us what they'd done or said. That being said, the section I got the most from was "Conversations in Extremis".

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Summary: Listen and be curious.

Although the book is short and easy to read it’s quite repetitive and could be have been condensed into an article. I had hoped to hear more insights from all of the interviewees but too much space was spent on the author explaining what the people meant to him and why they should feature in the book, leaving only superficial paragraphs for their actual contributions. Too shallow in my opinion.

[Carmen Gabrielle Ferguson · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good piece but I felt that I wanted more out of it. As an audiobook format listening to the ‘guests’ and hear their take on how to have good conversations was great but I would’ve like more specific mechanics to learn from.

[Amélie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read book!
Perfectly encapsulates the problems with current culture and outlook on difficult conversations and the problem with polarising mentality.
This is an eye opening book covering a range of interesting topics and teaching the importance of not only in-person conversations but also the importance of having those difficult conversations we all regularly avoid.

[Tim Frankland · Rating 3 out of 5]

My mum summarised everything in this book in 4 sentences without even reading it. Still was decent though.

[Chris Barrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reposted from CB Book Reviews on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/p/CvLJdXJN9...
Let’s Talk: How to have better conversations by Nihal Arthanayake
272 Pages
For those who aren’t aware, Nihal Arthanayake is a Radio DJ for BBC Radio 5 Live and the host of the Headliners podcast. His is a podcast that I dip into when he interviews someone of interest, and I often find that Nihal is an easy interviewer to listen to. When he announced he was writing a book, naturally it was of interest, and I pre-ordered it in paperback.
In many ways this is not like any of the books I have read in the past, in the sense that this is not an easily read fiction book, or even an autobiography. In some ways this is very similar to some of the other books that I have read more recently, in that this requires concentration and provokes introspection, and a desire to continue to develop.
Nihal interviews a range of people for whom communication is a key part of their life and business, whilst blending in some of his own stories and experiences along the way, to highlight his key recommendations for the importance of open and varied communication, and how we need to improve in ‘the art of conversation’. I like that he uses the final chapter to summarise the majority of the key points from his interviewees.
My main takeaways from this book are:
* That social attitudes in the modern world are polarised, and defined in the words of James Haskell as ‘I’m offended, prove me wrong’
* That most conversations are a series of passive, vaguely connected statements as opposed to actively engaging in what is being said
* That actively listening more, providing the speaker with your full and undivided attention, and talking less yourself, is key to holding good conversations

Whilst in recent times I have been trying to overthink my actions and conversations less in order to feel comfortable in an environment; I’ve found that this book has encouraged me to want to actively listen, create space to be clear and intentional about the words that I use before asking relevant and meaningful questions in response.

🌟🌟🌟🌟✨

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was keen to read this after reading great reviews and hearing Nihal talk passionately about it on the interview circuit.

It reads like an essay, or perhaps a dissertation in 277 pages: introducing the subject, taking the reader through the history of conversation, and then interviews with some 'conversation experts' including a police negotiator, politician in the Northern Ireland peace process, film maker, clinical psychologist and TV chat show host. Finally it is completed by a well considered conclusion.

In the post-covid world where you are more likely to converse over social media, Teams or chat apps we are losing the art of conversation, Nihal argues. However, he is keen to point out:

"When you see a true master of verbal communication, remember that these are learned behaviours, not something innate which you are either born with or not. Which means not only can we become more effective communicators if we choose but that we should not let those who do not employ them off the hook when there is a better alternative."

In my opinion it could be improved with some key takeaways or action points at the end of each chapter, making it more of a self-help book for every day conversations. But these are summed up nicely in the conclusion.

Ultimately, I think Nihal's take on conversations, much like his interview style, can be summed up by this quote:

"After interviewing comedian, actor and screenwriter Ricky Gervais in April 2020, he posted on Twitter: ‘I’d like to say what a great broadcaster Nihal is. Well on his way to becoming a national treasure. Informed, open-minded, fair, astute, caring and funny. A dying breed.’"

[George Cook · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just couldn't bring myself to press that one star button even though I think this is one of the few books that I think might deserve it.

I picked this up because I wanted to learn 'how to have better conversations' as the tag line of the book suggests I would. Ultimately, I dont think 'Let's Talk' delivers on this and feels more like a memoir of Nihal's radio career with the conversational advice being sparce and simple. Listen to each other and avoid social media. Not exactly rocket science. If the tag line had been something like " stories from my life as a radio host," it wouldn't have felt like such a letdown.

When I read the first line of chapter 1, I actually cringed. "The Oxford English Dictionary defines conversation as...". 🤢

It was also a shame that it just felt like Nihal's ego was seeping throughout the entire book. By the end of the introduction, I was already growing to dislike him after constant bragging and ensuring the reader knows how talented and qualified he is at conservation. This continues, and by the final chapter, he is still singing his own praises. It was hard to get through.

If I wasn't going for 100 books, this would have been one that I DNF. I did finish, however, and it was not good.

[Lara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to start this review by saying that I am an enormous fan of Nihal. To say I’m slightly addicted to listening to his voice through his Radio 5 Live show is downplaying it.
When I first heard him interviewing someone, I genuinely thought he had forgotten his train of thought, the pauses and space between the interviewees conversation and his was something I’d never heard on radio before. The considered and respectful way he converses with all his guests made me 100% want to read this book.

I’m so glad I did. It further invites me to look at how I communicate and learn from the people who fill my life which is no bad thing.

[Rafa Willisch · Rating 1 out of 5]

While the topic is intriguing (welldone to the marketing dpt of the publisher), the book feels bogged down by the author’s self-indulgence and excessive name-dropping. Rather than offering focused advice or fresh insights, much of the content revolves around personal stories and interactions with well-known figures, which often come across as unnecessary padding.
I am afraid that this is another self-help book that will soon be forgotten.

[Maddi Jackson · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of this book is misleading; this book offers practically zero guidance or insight into how to have better conversations beyond simply ‘listen’. Rather, it interviews a collection of ‘professional conversationalists’ who all say more or less the same thing: “I’m not sure why I’m so good at talking to people. Maybe because one of my parents was really good at it? Anyway, my advice is to listen to what people are saying.” Really riveting stuff. Perhaps if this book had been titled differently rather than making a promise it cannot deliver, I would not feel so cheated.

[Jack Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book full of fascinating people who all share their insights on what makes a great conversation. Common themes become apparent despite their very different experiences. A must read.

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like Arthanayake's radio show, and the author himself, but I thought this book skirted over the topics all too briefly and it didn't feel like 250 pages of content. The introduction made it seem like this was meant to be a self-help book, but the lessons to be learned were too vague and it didn't have enough in the way of tangential but interesting detail either.

This isn't something I take great pleasure in writing, as Arthanayake's heart was in the right place and he had researched statistics as well as interviewing people with different perspectives on conversations. The studies on attention and interaction with and without devices were useful inclusions and the whole book was easy to read and follow - it never got bogged down in stats.

Where I found it most lacking was the contributions from others. For example, the author spoke to Mary McAleese who expanded on the idea that she had to engage with people who would be expected to be hostile to her. She explained how she talked to them about personal matters rather than political ones to gain their trust, which made sense. But it wasn't clear that this had had an effect on the ultimate (political) goal, as the causal link between the initial conversations and political resolutions were not linked into here.

There were missing links elsewhere too. At one point he references online Liberals reacting strongly to the idea their arguments about Brexit voters were similar to those by Trump supporters about Democrat voters - but he didn't set out the argument he made, so it wasn't clear whether he had a point or not, while railing against echo chambers. Some of the arguments relied on self-evident truths, when it came to the recommended conduct of employers and who is an optimist or pessimist.

A few interviewees seemed to have said little once their contribution had been condensed into the book. Matthew Syed effectively said "you can get better at speaking" and it is debatable whether his topic was really 'conversation'. Lorraine Kelly wanted to understand people, but it wasn't explained how she is different to other presenters who aim to have similar shows - I can accept she is the best at it, but I'm no wiser as to why. Perhaps the book was limited by having one contributor per chapter, as you didn't get a fuller sense of a topic, and I presume Arthanayake had cut answers that weren't related to the chapter's theme - but the end result was chapters that had padding without saying too much. For someone who I'd consider an expert on the topic, I was expecting to learn a lot more from his written work.

[Justin Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

- ‘Let's talk the art of better conversation’ is a book that looks at why we, as a society, have stopped listening. We have become so focused on our phones, when we should really be encouraging discourse and not just with people whose opinions we share, but also people have different backgrounds and different viewpoints, because every conversation like this can enrich, open, and change our mind. We have become like ‘moths head-butting the blue light of our mobiles’ rather than engaging in proper discourse.
- In order to have a good conversation, it's vital to be able to listen to the others and then reflect on what they said, and to have the conversation continue, rather than just two people giving monologues or being distracted by their phones which means it will take over 20 minutes for you to get back into that same state of focus in regards to listening to another person
- By having conversations, you release hormones such as oxytocin, which are so beneficial to health and well-being and reducing depression.
- It's interesting that in the state of digital connectivity that we are in the highest levels of depression and the highest levels of loneliness, which might be a symptom of more engagement in digital technology and less engagement with face-to-face, meaningful, and deep conversations and it's not the number of conversations you have, but the depth and quality to them
- We know we need to be Masters of our own destiny, and not prisoners to the technology that leaves us trapped in cages of different website. Even just by having a phone on the table and not in use means that we will have less richer conversations and draw less empathy, and more diverse and septic views than say, having just a note pad on the table, when we talk to others. We need to get rid of the phones and make sure they're not present when talking to others.
- The third part of the book looks at difficult conversations and talks to people who were involved in the Irish peace talks. They began by asking not who is has the most extreme viewpoint, but to those whom they could have a discussion and discuss with. A useful starting question was what kind of future would you like for your children? The simple question was to get people to think about the future and to ask the question what kind of future they would like for their children to make them start focusing not on the present situation, but what could be achieved in the future to give people the viewpoint and the future and a plan to get there. Once you've asked the question, what kind of future people want, you can then ask how would you get there?
- When you are having a conversation about difficult topics, most people tend to think and only see themselves as a victim and it's important in the conversation that everybody understands it. Everybody else has an issue and we need to reflect and reduce the virus that we bring to such a discussion when talking about conflict and see other people’s point of view.
- The book looks at a writer-director Deeyah Khan, who did a documentary called ‘White Right: Meeting the Enemy’ where she was an Asian, and a girl, meeting men who are racist and trying to understand their views and not only with a racist people but those who were anti-gay as well as a different colour. But as the director began to peel back the layers of hate, she realised that the people they hate the most with their upbringing, had almost been conditioned to hate by the people that surrounded them and their upbringing. The interview of the program tried to ask people who they were, when they really wanted to focus on their politics, and would push buttons to get the kind of responses that they wanted. But the person who made this documentary just kept asking them about themselves, and who they were, and why they believed the things that they did rather than focus on the politics of their beliefs, systems and ideologies. So, by constantly asking questions about their life and their children and upbringing and their parents, and a home, and the society and people they grew up with, they began to become more open to explaining the situation, and peeling back layers that revealed more and more, and became more of a shared experience.
- Arguing with people with different viewpoints on trying to give them your viewpoint will just increase and entrench each other’s personal views. But by trying to understand somebody and asking questions and building that relationship with somebody strips them of their hostility and makes it much easier to actually change someone else's mind, so it's worth having proper conversation rather than just lecturing somebody.
- The book also looks and discusses with John Sutherland, a police negotiator who has had to deal with people who might be threatening suicide or harm to others. Again, regarding being totally empathetic and trying to understand and listen but use active listening where you respond and you give feedback to what another person is saying, and by being open and feeding back what you have heard, which we should all strive for, you will get a much better conversation and discussion.
- All conversations that negotiators make begin with the phrase saying who they are and that there with the police, are here to help and then they listen to every response and it's worth checking out a transcript between Johnson and a barrister which ended badly but it's important to be calm and constantly say ‘I'm here to help’ and then to keep listening and responding to the words that others use. Someone is saying to help that difficult conversation continue to show care, listening and looking and answering questions appropriately.
- It's important to just listen and try and understand why and where people come from rather than to fix the problem. You can only do that by sharing a little bit about yourself as well as listening and speaking to develop trust and curiosity about everything to do with.
- It's worth asking people what their ideal purpose is or what they most want to achieve and it's worth knowing and asking yourself questions and thinking what the most useful questions are you'd like someone to ask you, but you couldn't ask them. Finally, it's also worth thinking that at the end of the day going through and reflecting when having conversations about what went well in a conversation and how can I do this better?
- A perfect icebreaker question is to ask somebody what would you really like to be doing right now if you weren't talking to me? What would be the one thing you would love to be doing and then from there you can start using curiosity and interest in learning something about another person?
- People have stories that they want to share with you, but it's important to ask the right questions and to probe gently, but with interest and curiosity and eventually those stories will come out and have each part of the story. Can that show that you listened and then want to you more of the story?

[Wendy Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Arthanayake stated at the outset that this would be a book written based on his own experience so I was a little wary about how much depth he'd go for. If you want an academic tome, this is not the book for you and not what I was after. I found it really interesting in a number of ways, not least because it made me review my own conversations. There was enough, but not too much research, the guest interviewee's were well chosen, interesting and relevant to the times we live in, and I came away feeling I understood more about how to have engaging conversations which involved as much listening as speaking.

[Ketekun Phanith · Rating 2 out of 5]

[Let's Talk: How to Have Better Conversations - Nihal Arthanayake]

Rating: 2.49/5.00

"As much as I love exploring diverse genres when it comes to books, certain literary pieces do not significantly impact me after finishing them. And "Let's Talk" is one of them.

Although the author brings out various valuable points on having better conversations with others, most are generic and easily accessible online. This drawback reduces its applicable influences on my daily communication.

Regardless, this book can be handy for other readers, although not for me."

#LetsTalk #NihalArthanayake #HowToHaveBetterConversations #Nonfiction

[Andy Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brilliant book. Anyone who has listened to any of Nihal Arthanayke’s broadcasting work, especially his long-form interviews, will know that he is a consummate conversationalist, adept at getting his interviewees to open up, reveal and be themselves. That it takes a special skill to do this is undeniable, but in this book Nihal shows that it is a skill that can be learned and honed. Let’s Talk will equip you with the skills you need to have better conversations with anyone in any circumstance. It should be required reading for anyone who can talk!

[Sara Green · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m not sure this book does really taught me anything new about how to have better conversations - the title is perhaps a little misleading, but I am glad it was there to lure me in as I did learn a lot about the amazing communication skills of some really interesting people. The three in the difficult conversations section were particular stand-outs: former president of Ireland Mary McAleese, film-maker Deeyah Khan and police negotiator John Sutherland.
Nihal comes across as well informed, but wears his research lightly, and seems a genuinely caring guy.

[Stefan Grieve · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that involves some interesting information to glean about the art of talk, from some interesting people.
This book is easy to understand, although I would have preferred maybe a few transcripts of the conversations involved, rather than the style this book took with its information, but I guess it got to the heart of the matter of what it wanted to say.
And rather than ramble, which this book does not either, let's keep it at that, shall we?

[Goutham Veeramachaneni · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is light on material and I was wondering if I would get anything from reading it.

But by the end, after much repitition, it became clear to me that good conversation means listening a lot more. While it sounds obvious, the book made me realise that I don't listen enough today. And to be curious and open to ideas and people.

And I think thats what the Author wanted to get across from the book and they suceeded surprisingly well.

[Alara · Rating 3 out of 5]

RBC read of March 2023
Nothing new or groundbreaking but the repetition helps hone in on a really basic yet key point point we forget a lot of the time: having a better conversation is all about listening and being curious. I enjoyed the fact that the author narrated the audiobook himself and it featured snippets of his interviews with some of the interesting people he talks to at work. Also I liked the type of conversations this book has sparked since reading it.

[Bethan Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the writing style, but it felt like this was an autobiography packaged as something else. A lot of the time this worked well to link together the individuals the author spoke to for the book, but at times it did feel more like I was being sold his radio show/podcasts. The book has signposted me to some really interesting new media to check out though with some great examples of interesting conversationalists, so it’s worth a read on that aspect!