What do you think?
Rate this book
Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity
Using conversations, observations, and reflections, psychologist Kopano Ratele meditates on love, violence and masculinity
This book seeks to imagine the possibility of a more loving masculinity in a society where structural violence, failures of government and economic inequality underpin much of the violent behavior that men display. Enriched with personal reflections on his own experiences as a partner, father, psychologist and researcher in the field of men and masculinities, Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity is Kopano Ratele’s meditation on love and violence, and the way these forces shape the emotional lives of boys and men.
At the core of these critical and deeply insightful texts is the question of why men hurt women they love. Ratele contends that many men in our society suffer from a painful, unrecognized, yet consequential love hunger that sets in during boyhood. This need for love may lie at the root of some of the male violence that damages the lives of women, children and men themselves.
Blending academic analysis and rigor in a readable narrative style, Ratele illuminates the complex nuances of gender, intimacy and power in the context of the human need for love and care. While unsparing in his analysis of men’s inner lives, Ratele lays out a path for addressing the hunger for love in boys and men. He argues that just as the beliefs and practices relating to gender, sexuality and the nature of love are constantly being challenged and revised, so our ideas about masculinity, and men’s and boys’ capacity to show genuine loving care for each other and for women, can evolve.
This book seeks to imagine the possibility of a more loving masculinity in a society where structural violence, failures of government and economic inequality underpin much of the violent behavior that men display. Enriched with personal reflections on his own experiences as a partner, father, psychologist and researcher in the field of men and masculinities, Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity is Kopano Ratele’s meditation on love and violence, and the way these forces shape the emotional lives of boys and men.
At the core of these critical and deeply insightful texts is the question of why men hurt women they love. Ratele contends that many men in our society suffer from a painful, unrecognized, yet consequential love hunger that sets in during boyhood. This need for love may lie at the root of some of the male violence that damages the lives of women, children and men themselves.
Blending academic analysis and rigor in a readable narrative style, Ratele illuminates the complex nuances of gender, intimacy and power in the context of the human need for love and care. While unsparing in his analysis of men’s inner lives, Ratele lays out a path for addressing the hunger for love in boys and men. He argues that just as the beliefs and practices relating to gender, sexuality and the nature of love are constantly being challenged and revised, so our ideas about masculinity, and men’s and boys’ capacity to show genuine loving care for each other and for women, can evolve.
427 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 1, 2022
3 people are currently reading
35 people want to read
About the author
Kopano Ratele
15 books6 followersExpertise on men and masculinities. Written books and scientific journals. Gives state of the art/science talks on men and masculinities.
Specialties: Sexualities. Violence. Fatherhood. Positive Masculinities.
Specialties: Sexualities. Violence. Fatherhood. Positive Masculinities.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 of 1 review
December 20, 2023
I’m finishing this on the same day that I read about the 21-year old man accused of raping and murdering Johannesburg teacher Kirsten Kluyts. Why do men do this? Why do South African men do this? Apart from “structural violence, failures of government and economic inequality [that] underpin much of the violent behaviour that men display”, Ratele argues there is another factor at work – “a painful, unrecognised, yet consequential love hunger that sets in during boyhood” and that lies at the root of some of the male violence that damages the lives of women, children and men themselves.
This book is a collection of 40 essays in three sections (Love, Violence and Masculinity). It really made me think about love as both practical care and as a cultural force, and the difficulty of boys and men in both receiving the care they need and giving it to others. Ratele has written a brave and thought-provoking book and I like the fact that he makes himself vulnerable here too – as a father, as a husband, as a teacher and also a South African man who is horrified at the levels of (male) violence in our society.
As Wahbie Long also puts it so eloquently in his excellent “Nation on the Couch”, the stark reality is that the higher the levels of relative inequality in a country, the higher the levels of violence. But the causes of violence are also complex and multi-layered, and Wahbie points to the centrality of Shame in understanding violence. Ratele too says that “Shame, like fear, is associated with masculinity, but I feel we discuss it far less than it deserves in unpacking masculinity”.
Elsewhere he says this:
Amen, brother. Amen. I think this should be required reading for all psychologists, social workers, counsellors etc. Perhaps many will find it too academic in parts. I would like to see Ratele taking to more accessible forms of media to spread the message. TikTok anyone? But I also like the idea of South African men grappling with masculinity as a work-in-progress. I am certainly inspired to write more of my experiences here. We need to keep the conversation going.
This book is a collection of 40 essays in three sections (Love, Violence and Masculinity). It really made me think about love as both practical care and as a cultural force, and the difficulty of boys and men in both receiving the care they need and giving it to others. Ratele has written a brave and thought-provoking book and I like the fact that he makes himself vulnerable here too – as a father, as a husband, as a teacher and also a South African man who is horrified at the levels of (male) violence in our society.
As Wahbie Long also puts it so eloquently in his excellent “Nation on the Couch”, the stark reality is that the higher the levels of relative inequality in a country, the higher the levels of violence. But the causes of violence are also complex and multi-layered, and Wahbie points to the centrality of Shame in understanding violence. Ratele too says that “Shame, like fear, is associated with masculinity, but I feel we discuss it far less than it deserves in unpacking masculinity”.
Elsewhere he says this:
Maybe it is too late for adult men. However, we can still do something about educating boys and younger men about their interior lives, relationships and the importance of emotions for living a more fulfilling existence. Such an education will include not just experiencing joy, gratitude, love, caring for others as well as themselves, connections with others, empathy, compassion and understanding, but also learning how to face up to and cope with more negative, uncomfortable affects like shame and anger. That education does not necessarily mean sitting in a class or workshop. We have to use the many tools at our disposal to cultivate this kind of understanding, and those tools include different kinds of literature, images, videos, films and art.
Amen, brother. Amen. I think this should be required reading for all psychologists, social workers, counsellors etc. Perhaps many will find it too academic in parts. I would like to see Ratele taking to more accessible forms of media to spread the message. TikTok anyone? But I also like the idea of South African men grappling with masculinity as a work-in-progress. I am certainly inspired to write more of my experiences here. We need to keep the conversation going.
Displaying 1 of 1 review