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368 pages, Hardcover
First published May 30, 2023
"You have a lot of talents, Cleo," Marianne says, "but disappearing into the background? That's not one of them."
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"Technically, it's about twenty degrees too hot for a denim jacket, but just having it around my shoulders makes me feel like I'm wearing a necessary suit of armor. I am protected by every angle, impossible to destroy."
"Yes I am aware that most people would not find watching this kind of stuff "soothing," but my love affair with horror began years ago and hasn't let me down since."
"Ironically enough it started because I used to be terrified of the dark."
"...Especially for a couple of queer girls who, let's face it, have been killed off in so many Hollywood movies.."
"Cleo Ferrara," she says, reaching into her backpack and pulling out a flower? "Will you go to homecoming with me?"
I have always prided myself on my tolerance for freaky shit.
I think thats part of the reason I love horror so much. Because it lets you practice facing the freaky shit and surviving it, throwing your head back and laughing in the face of it. But this? I cannot laugh at this.
Obviously she knows I'm bi since I came out to her in seventh grade after I watched beetlejuice and realized I was a smidge too obsessed with Winona Ryder.
"Well, would you take a look at this?" Chris says cheerfully. "It's the belles of the ball, the gals from next door, the hottest new couple in Tinseltown."
"That's right, darling." Marianne scoots forward and pinches his cheek, "And it's my gorgeous cousin, aficionado of food poisoning, my most reliable chauffeur."
I cackle, and Chris glares at us. "Your parents should have built a taller fence."
I am, a lot of the time, more interested in fictional worlds than the real ones around me.
"My image of Marianne shifts and refocuses. I always thought she belonged in the center of a crowd, but maybe she doesn't. Maybe she belongs here, in the mist and the mountains. She belongs by the side of the ocean too, barefoot as the waves paddle to shore, her face tipped to the sky like a sunflower."
"I missed you," I say, the words spilling out by accident. I immediately course-correct. "I mean, we missed you. At Dazed."
She sinks back against the red vinyl, lips curving with movie star confidence. "You did, huh?"
"Yes, but don't get too cocky about it. We form attachments easily..."
"Because I need to decide on an ending for my screenplay, which I know, I know, is ridiculous. I should bite the bullet and pick one of the many versions I've already written. But I blame Daniel. Normally, I'd call him, and he'd talk me through all of this, but I cant. for-- you know-- reasons."
"So call me.
We've been neighbors almost my whole life, but I havent felt this aware of her in years. I've been stumbling around a darkened room, and my hand just touched the light switch.
I open NYC portal and upload the screenplay, and when she counts to three, I do it. I submit my application.
"You should've stayed behind with Kiki," I point out. "Saved her from the perils of her own shoes."
"And leave Daniel to flirt with you?" She snorts. "No thanks."
This should be everything we both wanted. We should be giving eachother a round of applause.
I'm a black cat hissing beneath the moon.
"You're the one who agreed to this double date in the first place. Aren't you here so you can sweep Kiki off her feet? Doesn't Daniel flirting with me mean everything is going according to plan?"
"No," Marianne says. "It means he's going to break your heart again."
"Since when do you care about my heart? I say, frustrated.
"Since always!" Marianne says just as the flashlight flickers out.
"It's okay,".... "I'd punch anything that came for you."
The moon appears again, and something electric sparks on Mariannes face. A laugh, barely restrained. "Would you, now?"
"Anytime, anywhere, I say. "Whenever you needed me to."
Her breath, my breath. Her hands, my hands. We are plunging underwater, and I'm not even fighting it. We are sinking down, down, down as far as we can go, to a place where I might never need air again.
I try with all my might to be this hard-ass who can get over a broken heart without blinking, the girl who looks after her dad so he doesn't have to look after her, the girl who can handle blood, guts and gore by the bucketful. But maybe, deep down, I'm playing an elaborate game of pretend. Maybe I'm holding out hope for the type of happy ending I scoff at. The type I know doesn't really exist.
There's nothing but me and this room. Me and this house that can't remind me of Mom because I have no memories of her in the first place. Instead, this house is Mom to me. She's the nicks on the bannisters and the wild roses that bloom in her garden. She's the posters of Guys and Dolls and Cabaret that paper my room and the faint scuff marks on the hardwood floor from where she used to practice pirouettes. She's the ghost I never want to get rid of, embedded in every corner and curtains in every stain and doorknob.
"Hey, everyone! I love Cleo! I'm going to ask her to marry me despite the fact I'm super-duper gay!"
But I crack apart so easily when it comes to her? How am I this helpless and untethered, this magnetized to her and her thunderstorm eyes?
With him, theres no edge to leap from, theres nothing to lose. But with Marianne, my every seam is showing. Just sitting next to her is enough to give me vertigo.
"Do you know what I always used to think?" she asks. "Whenever I looked out my window and saw you? I thought - there you were, lovely in this distant tower, and if you ever needed, I would cross the land and save you."
"And yeah, I know you act toug, but I also know there's a lot more to it than that. You have fairy tales living inside of you, Cleo, and I promised myself a long time ago I would never let anything destroy them."
"I talk a lot about wanting to leave home, but the idea of losing it for good? I can't handle that. Then Daniel told me Kiki was done with him, and I started thinking about losing you, too. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I-I missed you. Even when you were in DC for a total of, what, four days? I mean, that's absurd right? You're my neighbor, and I've known you forever, and look at me, a walking cliché, falling in live with the girl next-" Marianne leans over and presses her mouth to mine.
We both know we'll have to go back out there eventually, but for now, she slides her arms around me, and we're back underwater, back in that endless blue. Drowning but in the best way possible.
She writes hi on the back of my hand when i call quiet on set; I wind mt pinkie around hers in return.
You see, Chris, when I was born, I destroyed both of my parents lives, so I really have to make it up to the universe somehow. I have to prove I'm more than the shadow of death I caused. I have to do the things my mom never could and make art that will last long than me. So it doesn't drain me of life the way it once did to my mom.
I look over at Marianne, who's looking over at me.We could fight this, I think, willing her to feel what I feel. Prove to him that you and I, we're real. No matter how it started out, we are so real now.
Wherever you are, whatever you do, horror will find a way to capture you.
"I know what it's like to hold on to an idea of what your life should be," Dad says, "but sometimes, I think it's better to wonder." "The wonder is my favorite part."
"A few years ago, she told me the story of the day you two met. She was new in town, and she was bored and lonely, and you showed up in her yard because you wanted to jump in the pool. You asked to hold her hand while you did it, and Marianne said the water never seemed so blue. Don't you get it? Even back then, you made each other's lives magic."
"And thats when i realize: I've written dozens of love stories over the course of my life- and most of them, starred me and Marianne."
"You know you're beautiful," she says, "and you know you're a total weirdo, and you also know that I'm in love with you, okay? You know I want to be your girlfriend and dance with you at prom for real. I want to argue with you about what music we listen to on the way to school, and I want to sneak out of my house in the middle of the night so I can wrap you in a blanket and kiss you on the lawn until you cant even breathe. There? I said it all out loud. Are you happy now?
"I'm happy, meu bem."
Marianne, my anxious, dazzling, and smart best friend.
Marianne, meu bem, my darling, my love.
"I'm very much in love with you, too," I say.
She's James Dean bathed in vintage cinematography. She is daylight itself.