The Selfish Romantic: How to date without feeling bad about yourself

by Michelle Elman

• How many people are walking through the world convinced that they have to settle?
• How many people are being treated badly because they think they don't tick desirable boxes?
• What would happen if you didn't limit yourself by seeing yourself as a bunch of labels, and instead saw yourself as a catch?
• How fun would it be to be single without questioning your loveability, to date without taking rejection personally, and to have sex without hating your body? Nearly every question life coach and queen of boundaries Michelle Elman is asked relates to one dating. Including unravelling myths about single life, changing your dating mindset, dealing with ghosting, text etiquette and taking relationships offline, The Selfish Romantic will teach you how to empower your love life like never before. Combining Michelle's expertise in boundaries and body positivity, this is your guide to navigating the modern dating landscape.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Personal Development, Romance, Audiobook

358 pages, Hardcover

Published January 24, 2023

About the author

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster and author who is most known for her campaign Scarred Not Scared. Last year Michelle was named as one of The Sun's 50 most inspirational women in the UK and is recognised as one of the top 100 creatives creating change. Her second book “The Joy of Being Selfish” topped Amazon Charts when it was released this year and her debut book “Am I Ugly?” received rave reviews. She is often invited onto TV and radio worldwide for her expert opinion including features on Sky News, Loose Women, Channel 5 News, BBC Radio London, LBC as well as radio in Hong Kong, Ireland and Los Angeles. Michelle hosts her own podcast "In All Honesty" and is a prolific public speaker with her TedX talk being viewed 60,000 times. Known for her direct approach, her insight empowers people to stand in their power, set boundaries, and live life more honestly. 

Reviews

[Shannon-Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Michelle Elman has succeeded again in writing the words that every young woman needs to know. I was hooked from the initial pages- It’s far from simply being a book on how to date effectively. Instead, the book encourages reflection of one’s self, giving helpful tips and exercises as well personal anecdotes and text templates.

The book is comprised of easy to read chapters - no complicated jargon and any complex psychology references are explained when necessary. The book encourages you to like yourself and not to accept anything less than the way you deserve to be treated.

Although I am in a settled relationship- so probably not the target audience, I found myself highlighting chunks of the text. It’s very easy to relate to Michelle and despite it being a “self help” book, her personality shines through leaving the reader comforted and not talked at.

I am looking forward to future publications.

[Magda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn’t even a review, I just love Michelle Elman.

Practical and empowering book.

[Valentina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book, still wouldn’t say it is worth more than 3,5 stars. Especially the last chapters felt quite tedious. I did enjoy a lot the beginning of the book. I really felt empowered by the author and she has helped me to see things in a different perspective. Now, let’s see if it works out!

[Lotty Giggal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Format - Audio and Physical

I know this is a book about "dating", but I think it's so much more than just that.

Although I'm currently in the longest relationship I've ever been in (>2 years), this book on dating has made me reflect on a lot of my romantic behaviours, and validated some old wounds of mine that haven't healed quite right.

A lot of this book also builds on TJOBS so the teachings can applied in a wider context than just dating.

Definitely recommend.

[Sana · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5

An incredibly accessible and empowering book on dating in the modern-age. Elman fills this book with reminders to reflect, research and experiences from her own life.

A must-read for everyone looking to date, as it encourages us all to shift how we view dating and relationships with an emphasis on the importance of communication and healthy boundaries.

It’s also made me excited to date!

[Chayla Tafelski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely felt like I learned and reflected a bit, but she writes from her perspective of dating (fair). It just shows a really specific window into dating which makes it difficult and awkward to receive advice.

[Aleksandra Kulbaka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the format and how the content was split - it was very easy to choose the sections that are the most relevant for me and I definitely see myself going back to this book in the future. I liked the overall tone that demystifyed and fact-checked all the harmful dating advice we're getting from social media. Finally, this book was written by a disabled person with complicated medical history - I loved reading about dating from this particular perspective

[Megan Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars, a really well written book. Full review to come!

[Jai · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this. Michelle Elman will always be the queen of communication and boundaries.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to know more about boundaries in dating - this is THE book to read

[Mikaela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really liked this! It had some good advice, and I liked the toolkit at the end of the chapters to actually put that advice into action, and the example texts. I liked the message of making dating something that actually works for you, instead of this miserable thing that you “have” to do because god forbid you’re not married by some arbitrary age. Also liked that there were different “what if” chapters, including one for if you just haven’t dated before. It was very non-judge mental and just gave advice for that situation.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually find self help books really hit and miss. There are always sections that I don’t quite agree with and so have to pick and choose which advice applies.

However, with this book. Every single chapter, every single bit of advice, every single word was on point. Healthy, good applicable advice.

[Konatsu · Rating 2 out of 5]

Picked this up wanting a little break from DUNE, after seeing Chiara King post about it on Instagram.

It feels kind of unfair for me to rate this book because 1) I clearly wasn't the target audience, and 2) I really don't like self-help books. (じゃあなんで読んでん！ほんまそれ)
But I'm gonna be selfish here and simply write stuff about a book I finished reading.

2 stars because though there were a couple bits I needed to hear, pieces I highlighted, most of the time I was pretty bored and had to push through to finish reading.
I don't have anything against the author, she must be great, but I just don't like self-help books and as prejudiced I am, I don't understand what life coaches are. I feel so mean to say that. I think my dislike for the genre comes from my mega stubborn personality that can't take orders... it's a flaw I know, but I hate being told what to do, especially from writers who sound like a know-it-all. Because these books are made to "help", I feel there's automatically a hierarchy between the writer and the reader, where the writer is put on a pedestal, lecturing the naive reader. I just don't like it. I also feel very weary of the idea of believing someone/something head-on; it makes you very vulnerable, and it scares me how blindly some do so.

I felt that I also knew most of what was written. Again there were bits and pieces that I guess I needed to hear again or be reassured of. To list a few:
p.19 "...stop treating dating as a means to an end and recognize it as a legitimate phase in life"
p.19 "...experience the diverse adventures that love could offer and the range of emotions that life can bring. I didn't just want the positives. I wanted to risk my heart, potentially get hurt along the way and, most of all, not lose myself on the journey"
p.99 "Realizing that life will never provide you certainty will liberate you."
p.99 "Dating is tough—but so are you."
p.253 "You will always find another to love. You have loved before and you will love again."

But since I think that I've already learned all these lessons myself (at least I'd like to think so), it was quite boring, and it felt as though she was repeating the same stuff over and over.

The more I think about it, the more I question why I picked the book up in the first place. I guess it was a great way for me to check in with myself and see if I'm doing things good, but I really wasn't the right reader for this one.

[Lotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Top boek over daten! Zet je toch weer aan het denken, en ben anders gaan swipen. Gaat erover dat je leert daten waar jij je goed bij voelt, en een pauze van het daten te nemen als je je er niet meer goed bij voelt. Waarom zou jij met jezelf willen daten? Jij bent de catch!

Met het swipen, selecteer mannen die hun profiel echt ingevuld hebben. Iemand die twee foto's heeft, heeft er geen tijd in geïnvesteerd en zal dan ook waarschijnlijk niet op zoek zijn naar een relatie, maar meer naar vluchtig contact. Probeer ook te selecteren op inhoud. Heb je dezelfde interesses of normen en waarden, of eigenschappen, probeer dat er vooraf al in te zoeken. Sinds ik op deze manier swipe, word ik zelden meer genegeerd door mannen en leidt het gesprek vaker tot de uitnodiging tot een date, die ik dan kan accepteren of afslaan.

Ook tips over jouw eigen profiel. Het gaat niet over gotta catch them all! Jouw profiel moet zo specifiek mogelijk zijn, zodat je zoveel mogelijk mannen afschrikt en echt alleen de mannen overhoudt die goed bij jou zouden kunnen passen. Die al meer weten over jouw persoonlijkheid, waardoor hen dat later niet kan 'afschrikken'. Als je jouw profiel anoniem maakt, moeten jouw vrienden en familie jouw profiel eruit kunnen pikken als: hee dat moet die van Lotte zijn!

Het doel van een date moet niet zijn: ik ga de ware vinden. Stel je zelf een ander doel voor de avond, zoals, ik ga me ontspannen, ik ga ervan genieten, ik ga mijn lievelingsdrankje drinken. De date is geen succes als er een volgende date op volgt. De date is een succes als jij een leuke avond hebt gehad.

Het is niet nodig om je rot te voelen wanneer het daten met iemand stopt. Als het niet past, dan past het niet. Spreek uit wat je wil, waar je naar op zoek bent. Wees niet bezig met, is dit normaal, zou dit hem afschrikken? Wees volledig jezelf en als dat hem afschrikt, dan paste het niet.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't read self help books often, but I can't describe how eye opening reading this has been.

I appreciate that this book doesn't wholly focus on how the other person i.e. men are the sole issue; it acknowledges that some men (and people of other genders) are terrible, but not all. That who you meet doesn't define you, because everyone will come across someone awful from time to time, but who you keep are.

I also appreciate that the author acknowledges and discusses non-heteronormative relationships, that some relationships can be casual, that you don't need to be in a relationship at all, etc. All things that other dating advice doesn't particularly acknowledge.

The activities are also useful and practical, I found that I learnt a lot about myself.

I came out of reading this realising that I don't need to push myself to continue attempting to date to be happy. Ironically, reading this has made me realise that I think it's time for me to stop dating for a bit, until I'm ready again, something that the author fully encourages.

I felt a sort of catharsis when I finished reading this, as if the author herself acknowledged my pain and subsequent growth. I almost cried, and I don't think I've come out of reading a self help book feeling like this before. Thank you for writing this, Michelle

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Direct, compassionate and supportive, this book is exactly what it says it is, sharing tips for the various stages of modern dating, from why you might want to stay single, what to put on your profile, how to communicate in a variety of situations, physical intimacy, and what makes a healthy relationship.
Each chapter ends with key points and a suggested exercise to better understand your unique take on the concepts. The chapters need not be read in order and the table of contents will direct you to the content you want.
The intended audience is female and the author writes from her lived heterosexual experience. Her straightforward and kind advice could potentially help anyone looking to feel more empowered and authentic in romance.

[Su · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book actually had a lot of good points that changed my perspective on dating and also provided practical steps to unlearn and relearn healthier dating behaviors.

It was at time not the best approach for a Christian single, however; that's on me to read this book knowing it was not written from a faith approach.

That's not why I deducted points though. One, I'm not sure if I would recommend it strongly to every one of my single friends. Two, I felt some points were really dragged out. I felt the book could have been 50 pages less not from content but editing. It also could be very useful to have a workbook of sorts as I found the pratical exercises at the end of each chapter very helpful but not every single chapter as necessary to get to those exercises.

[Ellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone recently out of a long-term relationship and looking at her future of re-entering the dating world, this book was a great reminder of what that could look like. I felt like a friend who'd "been there, done that" was passing on her wise words but also not making any judgements if I want to do things differently. There are things I don't think I'll use but lots that has reassured me that being single isn't a problem to be solved, that there isn't a rush and that the next step I take can be enjoyed!

[Charlotte Pegg · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a recently single plus sized woman, I’ve found the transition from a relationship back to dating a very difficult one to navigate. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to hear it from a woman who understands how difficult poor self image and lack of confidence especially as a plus size or minority can be. Michelle has empowered and challenged me to look at dating from a selfish point of view and to put myself first. I highly recommend this book if you just want a real take on getting yourself back out there.

[Rachael Day · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic guide for anyone navigating the dating world. It excels at providing practical tips on establishing personal boundaries and standards. The book emphasizes the importance of having the courage to assert these boundaries and reassures readers that there's no need to feel guilty about being clear and open about their desires. It's a valuable resource for building confidence and self-respect in relationships.

[Sarah Grunwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I personally love Michelle Elman as a human and really enjoy her content. There was a lot of practical advice, tools, and exercises that I could hypothetically pass on to clients. I also think it's a great book if you're an inexperienced dater, or people pleaser, etc. I think when this book came out, it was probably more impactful, I would have loved to have read a book like this when I was younger. However, reading it now, I wasn't blown away, but it was a nice read, I also enjoyed her humour.

[Salomé Esteves · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been following Michelle Elman for years, and for an obscure reason, I have not read any of her books. Thank God I finally decided to do it! I hadn't even finished it, and it was already helpful. I hope I don't forget all the advice and always remember to ask, "what would a person who loves herself do?".

[Caitlin Stevens · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was put off by the title at first but I follow the author on instagram and really enjoy her posts so when I saw her book was on kindle for only £1, I thought I’d give it a chance! It’s actually really good. It’s more about boundaries and empowerment than ‘being selfish’. Lots of space in the book to ‘do your own work’.

[✨Q✨ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book, whether you're single, dating or in a relationship. There is so much in here from specific examples around language which is super helpful, toolkits to take home with you and practice, and advice that will have you pondering on your life choices.

Highly recommend and will be revisiting this book.

[Steph Barter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Would really recommend to anyone, it was more than just dating advice- it contained really useful prompts and exercises that were useful for reflection and self development. Loved the writing style too!

[Gemma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super interesting book, really relevant and relatable in the craziness of the dating world. Really delved deep into working on yourself and how to put yourself first in the dating process! Really recommend:)

[Zoë De Ruiter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved every single page.

[Vero · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed it and will take lots of revelations with me!

[Janine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before even finishing this book I had already recommended it to a bunch of people.

[Charlie Egon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Will revisit this one! I enjoy Michelle Elman's clear and confident voice so much. Even though this one is targeted at hetero women, I as a non-binary lesbian found it very helpful!