So Sorry for Your Loss: How I Learned to Live with Grief, and Other Grave Concerns

by Dina Gachman

A searching, heartfelt exploration about what it means to process grief, by a bestselling author and journalist whose experience with two devastating losses inspired her to bring comfort and understanding to others.

Since losing her mother to cancer in 2018 and her sister to alcoholism less than three years later, author and journalist Dina Gachman has dedicated herself to understanding what it means to grieve, healing after loss, and the ways we stay connected to those we miss. Through a mix of personal storytelling, reporting, and insight from experts and even moments of humor, Gachman gives readers a fresh take on grief and bereavement—whether the loss is a family member, beloved pet, or a romantic relationship. No one wants to join the grief club, since membership comes with zero perks, but So Sorry for Your Loss will make that initiation just a little less painful.

In the spirit of Elizabeth Kubler Ross books like On Grief and Grieving , or C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed , So Sorry for Your Loss is the perfect gift for someone who is grieving. With her blend of personal experiences, expert advice, and just a little bit of humor, Gachman has provided a compassionate and compelling resource for anyone looking for grief books.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Memoir, Self Help, Audiobook, Death, Psychology

240 pages, Paperback

Published April 11, 2023

About the author

Dina Gachman is a Pulitzer Center grantee and a frequent contributor to New York Times, Texas Monthly, Vox, Teen Vogue and more. She's a bestselling ghostwriter and her second book, SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS: How I Learned To Live With Grief, and Other Grave Concerns, has been featured on NPR and CBS, and in Time, Texas Monthly, Southern Living, Garden & Gun + several podcasts.

Reviews

[Jenn Belden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'll admit, when you're feeling overwhelmed with grief, picking up a book on grief is daunting. However, the way in which Dina Gachman structured the So Sorry For Your Loss - interweaving supporting anecdotes and information from grief counselors and other experts with her personal stories of loss and grief - created a gentle, manageable read.

The author's memoir is a poignant one. But while her pain is palpable at times, she told her story in such a way that it wasn't triggering (A credit to her journalistic skills) - which I appreciated, given the brain space I was in at the time I was reading it.

If anything, the book made me feel seen and less alone.

And I wish everyone would be made to read her list of "Helpful/Not Helpful" phrases that you really shouldn't say to someone grieving. (Being told "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle" is one of my biggest pet peeves. Certainly even HE doesn't have this much faith in me. Might I add "it's all part of God's plan" to the next printing of the book?) So it was definitely affirming to read that it is a phrase that can trigger pain or anger in the bereaved. (I'm not just being oversensitive!)

There were moments she shared that were so very relatable. The EMOTIONS she shared were far too familiar, particularly the rawness of everything. I was a mess. There are days I still am, and she nailed how I felt on those days:

"The barrier between me holding it together and me falling apart was about as precarious as a Victorian teacup with an anvil hanging overhead."

You know you're not the only one to go through grief and loss, but you don't always realize how much it impacted you until a line hits you in the face. But when she talked about "moving through the world in a heightened state of anxiety that I didn't even realize was anxiety", I had another "hey, me too!" moment.

The book wraps up with few recipes for foods that are wonderful to share in times of grief, or when you just need comfort. Some might find this odd, but it made me laugh out loud, because when I had my first baby, a friend from church dropped off a giant pot of "taco soup" with a batch of still-warm cornbread muffins. She later confided it was her go-to for both births and deaths as it was as comforting and easy to eat as you could find.

Gachman is a proponent of "finding humor in the darkest of times", and this pokes through in her storytelling, a self-deprecating type of humor, a lightness and a touch of wit that makes this tough topic and the accompanying pieces from professionals that much more empathetic and human.

So Sorry For Your Loss was a timely, heartfelt read

[Joana da Silva]

How I cope with things: I read books about them. This was part of that endeavour.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know how much I "like" these grief books so much as I "feel seen" or "resonate" with these books, because I found myself finishing this one and feeling profoundly irritated that I'm reading all of these books about grief because I can't figure out how to get my brain/body wrapped around it all. But it does help to know that I'm not alone in feeling that way, and it does help to read other people's experiences with it. I look forward to the day when reading romance novels sounds fun again, though.

[Sherry Sharpnack · Rating 5 out of 5]

One universal outcome of the recent pandemic is a new realization that everyone is suffering some form of grief, whether a collective grief (a real type, discussed in the book) over the vast loss of life, or an individual grief from the loss of a loved one to the virus. So this was an important book to read, for all of us.
But as each "unhappy family is unhappy in its own way," (thank you, Mr. Tolstoy) each person's grief can look different from the next person's. And that's OK. "So Sorry for Your Loss..." addresses various types of grief and its "stages" (you really feel them all at once, or at different times, or in different progressions -- and it's perfectly OK to grieve for pets like people). I underlined so much and placed so many book darts that were so true that I will only share a few. One excellent page listed "not helpful" versus "helpful" things to say to a freshly-grieving person. Please, PLEASE NEVER SAY: "They aren't suffering any more" or the one that caused me personally to explode at a sister-in-law "They are in a better place." p. 17. NEVER SAY THESE THINGS. There is also a list of "Potential Firsts that may trigger GIEA's" (grief-induced emotional avalanches) p. 29, such as a loved one's first birthday after dying, holidays, etc. Being forewarned still doesn't prepare one for the emotional avalanche, FYI. I will end w/ this thought: "...over time, me relationship with each of them (mother and sister) would not end, but that it would evolve, and I would adapt and find ways to keep them in my life. I have no control over what has happened, so instead of waiting for some imaginary day when I'll find 'closure,' I ultimately accepted that my love for them, my grief, would become part of me, instead of something I had to conquer." p. 3. This is my lived experience, also.
I'm glad I read this book. I'm also glad I didn't read it closer to losing my daughter, and then my favorite nephew exactly her age, within eighteen months of each other. I sobbed enough reading this. I couldn't have handled it then. 5 stars.

[Sally Pickwick · Rating 2 out of 5]

I hope this was an assignment for the woman who wrote this essay. It is hopeless, desperate, and despairing. If I had not also experienced the death of parents and siblings, I might think she is telling it like it is (or has to be). And she isn’t just ranting on grief but also on every possible global ‘fear’. The reality is that there IS hope. Sadness and missing a loved one who has died does NOT have to be despairing. It does not have to look the same as the initial pain of grief. Look beyond self and lift your eyes to see others.

[Dakota Morgan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I put this audiobook on hold over the summer after one of our cats passed away. It was my first time in memory experiencing true grief and, like the good little reader I am, I immediately searched for books that might offer solace and guidance.

Even a few months late, So Sorry for Your Loss exactly met my needs. It's a gentle look at grief that explores all its facets, from both a human standpoint (in this case, the passing of the author's mother and sister) and therapeutic/scientific standpoint. So, you get the best of both worlds: a reminder that others have gone through grief and survived, and a more clinical understanding of just what the heck is going on in your brain.

Dina Gachman writes with both good humor and honesty about her grief. Interestingly, it's not at all a grief I could relate to, yet this isn't a book that suggests we should all be comparing our traumas. Gachman even goes out of her way to include chapters on non-human grief, like pet grief and climate grief. That said, the many glimpses of Gachman's regular life are nice - she struggles just like anyone would, even with sisters to help and a (presumably) upper middle-class existence to fall back on.

I suppose if you're reading the book purely for grief porn it might be a letdown. The sister's early death from alcoholism is awfully tragic, as is her mother's death from colon cancer, but Gachman doesn't dwell in the darkness. I think I needed that - there is life after death and all that.

[Ally · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Susan Popa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up a couple months ago at a book fair and brought it with me on a trip having no idea my father would pass away while I was on the trip. I started reading it before I was aware of his passing. The timing felt like divine or father intervention.

[Celia · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I was given the opportunity to read and review So Sorry for Your Loss by Dina Gachman, I jumped at the chance. On one hand, ever since I was in my practicum training for my graduate degree in clinical psychology, I have been interested in the subject of grief. I remember meeting with college age students who were currently going through the grief process and wanting to plead with them to take their time in missing and grieving their person. Grief is such a complicated process.

In 2021, the concept of grief took on a whole new meaning for me since I sadly and horribly lost my sister to complications from Covid. Since then, grief suddenly became this tangible thing. I could feel it. Sometimes it is at the forefront of my mind and other times it's a blanket veil at the back of my mind - regardless, it is always there.

What I gained from So Sorry for Your Loss was the introspection of another person who has gone through their own loss and explore all those inner thoughts that creep into the conciousness of those of us left behind. "They’re gone, and I, like so many others, live with those losses every single day." Truer words have never been spoken.

This book is great for everyone to read, however, it is truly best for someone who has gone through a loss to read. What Gachman's book did for me was give me the sense that I am not alone in my grief - that I am not the only one who feels this pain of loss every day in one form or another. There are many quotes I could get from Gachman's book - I was underlining so much as I read. This is truly a work that can can provide much comfort to someone who is grieving or needs to let themselves grieve. Such important work, and I thank Gachman for writing it.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was skeptical as to how helpful this book would be. It turns out So Sorry for Your Loss validated my feelings and echoed many of my thoughts. Dina addresses all forms of grief and from multiple perspectives. She even talks about climate grief. Who knew this was even a thing?! But my reason for reading it was for help with the grief of losing loved ones. I identified with so much of what she said and while I feel like I went through another level of grief while reading it, I did find it helpful. Thank you @NetGalley and Union Square & Co. for an ARC of this book. I definitely recommend it and also think it could be helpful for families of alcoholics. Unfortunately I have experience losing a family member to this addiction as well and she captures how that feels too. If nothing else, it helps you realize you are not alone in your feelings when trying to process grief.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A nice little essay collection that looks at a few different forms of grief the author has experienced. Contains a handy chart of what to say and not to say to someone who is grieving. It's strongest when the author is telling the story of her mother and sister dying within a couple years of each other, and is less strong and feels padded when it tries to be inclusive of other kinds of grief. (Pets? I'm sorry, but, just write a separate book if you want to talk about losing pets.)

Includes a harrowing story of home hospice care, which gave me a better understanding of how that works. I most appreciated the frank telling of the author's alcoholic sister's downward spiral and all of the thoughts and feelings both poignant and ugly that the experience inspired.

[Beth Given · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book, part memoir and part self-help, recounts experiences with different kinds of grieving: grieving a parent after a long illness, a sibling after a sudden overdose, a pet, celebrities, and even climate change. With humor, honesty, and hope, the author offers wisdom she's learned through her experiences.

I feel like you might need to be in a certain place to read this book; it might not be good for fresh grief, and I certainly don't think I'd share it as a gift. For me at this time, I appreciated the book, and felt validated in the grief I've carried since my dad passed away seven years ago. Grief really can change us, and I'm glad our American culture is starting to acknowledge that through books like these, even if we are at a loss for what to say to people. We end up on the inadequate "I'm sorry for your loss." But that's better than silence, as she notes in the epilogue. And MUCH better than "he's in a better place now" or all the other unhelpful platitudes we say to try to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

[Cassie Elston · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Don’t bring grieving people things like broccoli. Bring them something with butter”

[Paula · Rating 5 out of 5]

So Sorry for Your Loss by Dina Gachman is a truly heartfelt exploration of grief and how families navigate losing a loved one. The writing and stories were raw, emotional, and also enlightening, especially regarding hospice care. It took me a minute to realize the idea behind the cover. It is true that people bring casseroles and food when someone passes.

I would highly recommend this memoir and how this author and her family processed their feelings, trials and tribulations, and helped each other during one of the most challenging times in a person's life.

#NetGalley @UnionSqandCo

[Stephanie Patschke · Rating 5 out of 5]

You don’t really think about other people’s experience with grief, until you read a book about it. I even found some humor throughout Dina’s book and laughed out loud at a few of those parts. Having been on both ends of condolences, as a family member receiving them or a friend giving them, you only know what you have experienced. I learned a couple of things for the next time and have given several copies of So Sorry for Your Loss to family members and friends.

[Teri · Rating 3 out of 5]

I likely would not have read this had it not been a book club pick. I give the book 2 1/2 stars. I give the group discussion we had on loss and grief 5 stars. For that reason, I'm glad I read it.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

“We didn’t want it to be soon, but yet we did. What a horrible thing to feel. That’s the ultimate cruelty of hospice. You don’t want them to leave, but standing by and watching someone you love die, hour by hour, is an excruciating way to live.”

“hospice will not resemble a movie, with candlelight, meaningful glances, and nurses on site twenty-four hours a day. It will likely be one of the most challenging experiences of your life.

If you are grieving, this book will wreck you completely while affirming your feelings. Grief is such a long, complicated, and isolating journey and this book is so great for anyone still struggling with the loss of someone, especially in the last few years when a pandemic has kept us even more disconnected, it’s hard to get the help needed.

Just like the journey of grief, different parts of this book will hit you more than others. You will be fine one second and sobbing the next. Just like deep grief. There was many times I was highlighting parts and thinking is is how I am feeling, someone has put it into words for me.

Gachman sums up grief perfectly when we writes “The day you stop grieving is the day you stop loving, and, for better or worse, that day will never come. That doesn’t mean the initial crush of pain will remain forever. The pain transforms, each day each year.”

This book is good for those struggling with deep grief or those looking to help someone suffering from deep grief.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

hi, me again with more grief talk!! you know i love to immerse myself in this stuff!! for me, i would’ve love to read this right after my mom’s death but still found poignancy, validation, kinship. would also recommend for anyone who cares for someone dealing with deep grief.

“How do you explain grief, in its most piercing moments? Terrible, painful, torturous? Nothing captures the fathoms of conflicting emotions, the desire to punch holes through walls or scream or just disappear. The impulse to give up, and the will to take a deep breath followed by the resolve to keep going. That stubborn drive to keep it together, when all you want to do is fall apart or, better yet, fade away, back into the past.”

[Danette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dina Gachman has suffered much loss in the last few years and has written an interesting memoir around the grief of losing her mother to cancer and her sister to addiction. I very much related to her chapter on hospice care. She reminds us that there is no timeline for grief and that counseling can help.

Overall, I enjoyed the book. I read it in one long sitting. It was a good reminder of what not to say and what a blessing the gift of a meal can be.

What was missing for me was the Gospel. I can recommend Kathryn L. Butler's book "Between Life and Death: A Gospel-Centered Guide to End-of-Life Medical Care" for those wanting to understand the Christian beliefs around death and life after death.

[Sarah Ingledew · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bookmarked this to listen to a long time ago, and unfortunately suffered a bereavement since then.
Listening to the first half of this book was almost like someone describing exactly how I've been feeling for the last almost two years. Which is crazy because grief is such a lonely place, and yet there's not many people who haven't experienced it in some way. But we don't ever talk about it - something which is explored within the book.
Probably shouldn't have started listening to it in public as I found myself crying on a train - but it is comforting in a strange way that there's (obviously) other people stumbling through the day alternating between raging at the world and/or on the edge of breaking down. Very sad but also quite hopeful too.

[Devon Berney]

I liked reading about someone else’s experience navigating grief. Here’s a part I wrote down:

“There is no way, for me at least, to process or analyze the actual moment you realize a mother, your mother, has left. What is your life going to be like without the person who raised you? What does it mean that she’s gone? Your touchstone. The one who, even if she drove you nuts always made you feel like yourself. No one knows you like your mother people often say. So how do you continue without this person who is so much a part of you? The person who gave you your laugh, your sense of humor, your love of Natalie Woods movies and Toni Morrison’s writing.”

[Lisa Moyer · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I appreciated the addition of experts in the field of grief, this didn’t read like a memoir, which is what I was anticipating. Good book for a class on death and dying, though - and a good read overall.

[Elizabeth Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wonderful book - both for anyone who is grieving and also for those looking for how to support someone through grief. Highly recommend!!

[maegan · Rating 4 out of 5]

My heart is with you Dina. Thank you for this book.

[Alicia Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Must read for anyone asking “am I doing this grief thing right?” Extra recommendation to help prepare anyone about to experience hospice.
This book helped put into words the “multiverse” experience of grief, or as Dina writes “the veil being lifted”.

[Camille · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would call this one a 3.5 but I’m rounding up. Took me a while to finish but I enjoyed it… grief be crazy

[Sam Dunphy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not your average light reading for me but needed it for sure. It’s great to know you aren’t alone in the journey of grief.

[Courtney Panasuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

BEST book about grief (wish I didn't have to read books about grief) I've read so far - truly the one that has made me feel the most seen, understood, comforted. So good I'm going to continue to try and get my "I just don't read books" mother to also read it.

[AJ Kutny · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great, in-depth view of grief in all it's forms.

[Maida · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book wrecked me and affirmed me all at the same time. The first is self-explanatory and expected given the title and subject matter. The second is surprising and what made me appreciate “So Sorry For Your Loss” and Ms. Gachman’s writing of it even more.

Read my full review on my blog Carpe Diem Chronicles at maidamalby.com.