This Mean Disease: Growing Up in the Shadow of My Mother's Anorexia Nervosa

by Daniel Becker

In the first book written by the child of someone who died from an eating disorder, Daniel Becker shows us the heartbreaking details of his mother's anorexia nervosa—her unrelenting obsession with food and her inability to nourish herself. His earliest memory of her is watching as she packs her suitcase for the first of numerous hospitalizations. From the observations of that confused child to his realization of helplessness as an adult, Daniel conveys the inner world of an anorectic and her family. He provides an intimate portrayal of how he, his father and his two brothers each struggled to balance their loyalty to Mom against the increasing awareness that only by separating from her could they ensure their own survival. In the end, Daniel must come to terms with his mother’s slow demise and begin to lead a life out from under the shadow of her illness.
Part cautionary tale and fully descriptive of how eating disorder effects family members.

Genres: Memoir, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Mental Illness

183 pages, Paperback

First published August 15, 2005

Reviews

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

In a sea of eating-disorder memoirs, there are few circumstances that haven't been written about. Famous author? Check. Male author? Check. Parent writing the book after their child's death? Check. Non-white writer? Check. Author was ill in a time when understanding of eating disorders was abysmal? Check. Ill when eating disorders were widely known, and author feared that the eating disorder was somehow less legitimate because of it? Check. There are books written with the person's parents or with brief commentary by their siblings. Et cetera, et cetera.

This one is, though, the only anorexia memoir I can think of written by the child of someone who had (and, in this case, died of) anorexia. Becker was young when his mother first got ill; he barely knew her without illness. She went away and came home, went away and came home again. Each time the family hoped that this time treatment had worked, and each time their hopes were dashed.

Becker has two stories to tell here, and he does a good job of balancing them. There's his mother's story, some of which he can only guess at. He wasn't in her head, didn't experience the hospitalisations with her, couldn't understand what drove her illness; he doesn't try to fill in the blanks where he cannot, but he does address some of what things might have been like for her. It's clear that he's done a lot of research, and he has a better insight into his mother's illness than one might expect, even given the circumstances. And then there's his own story, that of growing up with a mother entrenched in illness. Coming to terms with what that meant for his own life and his own narrative, and eventually realising that he was going to have to be his mother's caretaker far earlier than he might have had she been well.

By the time the book came out, it had been more than ten years since his mother's death, so he'd had a significant amount of time to process and think and rethink. Not exactly an uplifting read, but a compassionate one.

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gosh, it's difficult to rate a book of this nature. The subject matter will rip your heart out, especially if someone you care about has lived the sort of life this author has. The writing is easy to read, almost like Daniel Becker is sitting there, telling you in regular conversation, how it was to grow up with his mother's illness and wrestle through its aftermath as an adult. It made me want to hug him (and my own friend), because this book is so aptly named: anorexia nervosa is a terribly mean disease. I'm glad to have read it, if only to gain some semblance of understanding how it feels to watch helplessly as someone important to you fights a losing battle with themselves...and yet somehow has no true desire to be rid of the battle. Thought provoking, powerful, and deeply intimate would be the three ways I'd describe this memoir.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Memoir written by the son of a woman who suffered from anorexia for decades. In fact, since he was 3 years old--he essentially never knew his mother unaffected by this disease.

This memoir was pretty unique as eating disorder memoirs go, because (a) the author is male, and (b) the author is not the sufferer of the disease. It's an outside perspective, which I found interesting and different. You see the pure cluelessness this poor son had about his mother's condition growing up, and it was made especially acute because her illness started in the 1960s, back when eating disorders were fewer and further between, and seldom talked about. In fact, there wasn't much literature on it at the time; even if Daniel wanted to research more about his mother's affliction, he couldn't have.

Instead you see how inexplicable this disease looks to an outsider. The poor kid constantly thinks (and understandably so), WHY won't my mother eat? In fact the mother never recovers, despite repeated hospitalizations for months at a time over the years. Her case is particularly odd because it started in her 30s and continued for the rest of her life. For most people (usually women) it starts in adolescence or young adulthood.

The book also delves into the relationship between anorexia and depression, and how the author inherited the depression part but not the anorexia. He struggles for years with depression, and it's unclear how much of it is directly related to his mother's condition.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

As one of Mr. Becker’s students, I think I’m required to give this book a five stars. :P Okay, but still, this book is very great.

This book has everything that a memoir needs: honesty and a great narration that reflects the author. So, yeah.

I forced Mr. Becker to sign my book and he wrote, “I hope you find something you can relate to in this story. Good luck with high school and beyond”. Very wholesome signing :D. There is plenty I related to from the book as well. There is a sense of hopelessness that many middle/high schoolers feel often. I think Mr. Becker’s book encapsulates that quite well despite the time gap. The descriptions about the nature of depression were also very spot on in my eyes.

I think one thing that would make this a more complete memoir was if he talked about his experiences after his mother died. After her death, there is only a few more pages of stuff before there’s a “ten years later thing”.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is beautifully written by a son whose mother died from anorexia nervosa. I chose to read it for a paper I’m writing for my master in social work program, and I’m so glad I selected it. It provides a lot of insight into the family dynamics surrounding eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa affects more than just the hungry individual; every loved one in the household is affected in various ways. As the child of an alcoholic, I could draw many parallels from this book to my story.

[Mina · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone wrote already - a difficult to rate book. It’s definitely something different (I read a couple of ED memoirs, but this is the first one written by a sufferer’s child), provides insight into what is like to grow up watching the mean disease taking someone so precious from you. Not the best book I’ve ever read but 100% worth reading!

[Christine Gaza · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was no feeling here. I just feel like it was a list of facts that happened. I DID enjoy reading about how they treated anorexia in 1965, but I just could not connect to this story, even though it was true.

[Leslie Janikowsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great look at the ways mental illness affect individuals but also families and relationships. It is a memoir so does not offer solutions, but instead looks at the story of a family where a member suffers from an eating disorder

[Lexi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A moving book about a mother’s struggle with anorexia told from the POV of her son. It was a first time for me reading from a sons perspective. It was nicely done and painfully honest.

[Amy Magram · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sad and compelling

[Natanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first straight-out memoir I have read, and as such, I feel kind of weird rating someone’s life. However, I have nothing negative to say about Becker’s well-written piece. His story is interesting, making a compelling book, and he did well at avoiding unnecessary details (something I feel would be difficult when recounting one’s entire life), keeping This Mean Disease short and easily comprehensible, but still beautifully written. The simplicity of the writing keeps the memoir from pulling too hard at our heartstrings or wrenching us apart into pieces, as many depressing books do. Becker does not try to elicit our sympathy, but rather seems to have set out to tell us his story and allow us to view it objectively and make of it as we may, a method I found beneficial to the telling. The story on its own is heart-wrenching enough. Thus, despite the lack of vivid descriptions, it is not difficult to get into the story and understand what Becker went through. Though most people cannot easily relate to the story as a whole—even at the time, with so few recognized cases of anorexia nervosa, most patients were teenagers or young adults, not mothers of three in their 30s, 40s or 50s—we can understand why Becker felt the way he felt at different stages of his life.

What makes this book all the more interesting for me, however, is that I know Daniel Becker as he is now. He was my teacher in high school, and I still talk to him frequently when I go back to visit. He is always cheerful, very smart, and a great person to go to for advice. I could never have guessed that he grew up with so much misery and pain, but I respect him all the more now that I know, and for being able to tell his story.

Becker’s story is unique, honest, beautiful, and haunting, and this review certainly does not do it justice. I feel in a way privileged to have gotten to see into this part of Becker’s life.

[Note: I write this review for the College Students group book blog, The Broke and the Bookish]

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very poignant memoir about growing up with an anorexic mother.

[Lorena · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir was written by a teacher at the high school where I work. I thought it was a wonderful book and shined a light on a terrible and mysterious disease.