The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships

by Robert S. Feldman

In The Liar in Your Life, psychology professor Robert Feldman, one of the world's leading authorities on deception, draws on his immense body of knowledge to give fresh insights into how and why we lie, how our culture has become increasingly tolerant of deception, the cost it exacts on us, and what to do about it. His work is at once surprising and sobering, full of corrections for common myths and explanations of pervasive oversimplifications.

Feldman examines marital infidelity, little white lies, career-driven resumé lies, and how we teach children to lie. Along the way, he reveals-despite our beliefs to the contrary- how it is nearly impossible to spot a liar (studies have shown no relationship between nervousness, lack of eye contact, or a trembling voice, and acts of deception). He also provides startling evidence of just how integral lying is to our culture; indeed, his research shows that two people, meeting for the first time, will lie to each other an average of three times in the first ten minutes of a conversation.

Feldman uses this discussion of deception to explore ways we can cope with infidelity, betrayal, and mistrust, in our friends and family. He also describes the lies we tell Sometimes, the liar in your life is the person you see in the mirror. With incisive clarity and wry wit, Feldman has written a truthful book for anyone who whose life has been touched by deception.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Personal Development, Relationships, Audiobook, Science

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Robert S. Feldman is Dean in the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences, and Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Feldman, who is winner of the College Distinguished Teacher award, has also taught courses at Mount Holyoke College, Wesleyan University, and Virginia Commonwealth University.

A Fellow of the American Psychological Association and the American Psychological Society, Feldman received a B.A. with High Honors from Wesleyan University and an M.S. and Ph.D. from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He is winner of a Fulbright Senior Research Scholar and Lecturer award and has written more than 100 books, book chapters, and scientific articles. In addition, he is on the Board of Directors of the Federation of Associations in Behavioral and Brain Sciences (FABBS).

His books, which have been translated into languages ranging from Spanish and French to Chinese and Japanese, include The Liar in Your Life, Understanding Psychology, Essentials of Understanding Psychology, Fundamentals of Nonverbal Behavior, Development of Nonverbal Behavior in Children, Social Psychology, Development Across the Life Span, and P.O.W.E.R. Learning: Strategies for Success in College and Life. His research interests include honesty and deception and impression management. His research has been supported by grants from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute on Disabilities and Rehabilitation Research.

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was different than what I expected. I thought it would give guidance on how to determine if someone is lying to you or not, but it was nothing like that.

Feldman gives a wide range of examples of lies we encounter everyday and probable reasons behind those lies. He also includes several studies which point to conclusions we can safely make about lying. Really this was an educational book! Using modern examples (Enron, etc.) that we, the reader, can relate to and a pace and style that is friendly to the non-psychologist reader, the author makes the exploration of the science behind lying enjoyable.

Personally, I was amazed at how rarely I fit into the types of common lying. Hehe... I should clarify... I don't mean to say that I'm amazed that I rarely lie; I know that! I was amazed by how common lying is and also by how, frequently, even the most ordinary of circumstances can still incline people, somehow, to lie!!! I've always tried very hard to tell the truth and even to avoid the supposedly "harmless" white lies. So, in the end, despite of being educated, I also am now more apt to be suspicious of being lied to in the future.

The book was high quality, but I'm disappointed to find out just how many liars are out there!

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

What this book is NOT is "The Way to Truthful Relationships" or another take on everyday sociopathy.

What this book IS is an interesting (though less than fascinating) trip through a number of roles that deception plays in everyday life.

I suppose I feel a little...deceived...by the title, but as the book goes on to describe in quite clear writing is now I shouldn't have been surprised. Still, it is a worthwhile read for those unfamiliar with deceit, broadly framed.

[Konstantin Mihov · Rating 2 out of 5]

A little disappointing that the book simply gives a recount of lying in our day to say life. It almost feels as if the author tries to normalize this without explaining what we can do or what the role of society in this reality is.

[Ben Thurley · Rating 2 out of 5]

No, your bum really doesn't look big in that!

Haha, yeah, War and Peace is great. I was just re-reading that the other day.

A bigger boy came and ate the cake. And then he ran away.

This is the business opportunity of the decade. But it's not for everyone. Maybe you're not quite ready to reach new heights along with the platinum-class clients of my fully-accredited (check my resumé) hedge fund...

And if you believe any of that, I have a very nice bridge that spans Sydney Harbour I'd like to sell you!

(The Liar In Your Life big on small-scale psychology and it's OK as far as it goes. A bit too self-referentially repetitive and built almost entirely around the formula:

a) moderately interesting insight about lying plus
b) anecdote or experimental survey that backs up a) added to
c) reminder of all the lessons you're learning in The Liar in Your Life
= profundity.

But the big lies, the big, fat, orchestrated, coordinated denial and debasement of reality – "the jury is out on the link between tobacco and cancer"... "the climate has always changed, there's nothing to worry about" – which threaten to overwhelm us all do not get a single mention.

[Isabel Fontes · Rating 4 out of 5]

White Lies are a kind of slippery slope and very dangerous.


In "The Liar In Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships," Robert Feldman explains how and why we lie and have developed a high tolerance for deception. This book is exciting, thought-provoking, and unusual. It made me contemplate how I perceive and receive information and what others communicate to me.

Feldman also suggests that the lies we use as social lubricants are little white lies.
However, he mentions that they come with a price. The little white lies matter because they can easily lead to other lies and more significant lies, resulting in a lack of authenticity in our everyday lives.

This lack of authenticity means we are unable to truly understand these individuals. We cannot grasp their true nature, including their strengths and weaknesses if they constantly deceive us.

In fact, these white lies do add up, and there can be a kind of snowball effect. White lies, which work very well in social settings, can lead to bigger and bigger lies.
Feldman states: White Lies are a kind of slippery slope and very dangerous.

Feldman suggests that liars have a clear advantage. We are generally bad at detecting when someone is lying to us, and the nonverbal cues we often believe indicate deception are unreliable.
No single nonverbal behaviour or group of behaviours can definitively indicate deception.
Therefore, most of the time, we only have a 50-50 chance of determining if somebody is telling the truth. This gives the liars an advantage in this respect.

Simply put, the liars in our lives are everyone in our lives. The notion that deception is rare, something that stands out in our minds because it is so unpleasant, is actually a comforting one. It reassures us that the lies we encounter are compartmentalized to some degree.

Instead, maintain an awareness that everything you are told could be false. Rather than just passively trusting, try to enact a process of verification.
Make sure to carefully examine things to prevent the truth bias from affecting your judgment.

I am still recovering from the trauma caused by a liar in my life and the constant gaslighting with daily white lies.
It was a refreshing read.

[YHC · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author pointed out the nature of human's lying is actually part of the result of evolution. Just like all the animals in the world, they disguise, fake death, tricking enemies for survival.
But the difference between animals and humans still we are aware of the feeling and the reaction of lying to others.
We humans are more, we even know how to self-deceive, for many people, lying is piece of cake, as long is it's harmless, if it helps gain the friendship, social status, a job, some money, why not?
We are actually living in a bigger and bigger bubble of lying world. With the advanced technology, fake news, fake photos, fakes images, fake products, everything is so deceiving!
Honest people lie too, in one way or another.
The author gave us tons of real story among the politicians, stars, regular people to tell us the mindset of lying: out of protection or not hurting other's feelings, lies between couples due to keeping some secrets for themselves or not letting them worry.
The other kind of lying is professional scams, they want the benefits, money. Even some liars got more excitement from pure tricking than getting money from victims.

How to avoid liars? we can't, we can train ourselves smarter and not trusting blindly someone. Or if you can not learn, avoid too complicated social life.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

The substance of the book is very interesting and brings up food for thought about lying. I read it at a time when lying and withholding information was a heartbreaking topic of conversation with loved ones in my life, so it offered me a way to approach the situation from a head space rather than a heart space so I could process from multiple angles. That said, the author also has a tendency toward repetition and simplistic explanations in the narrative, so it seemed to me it could have been pared down quite a bit. There was plenty of "what" and some "so what", but I was also looking for more "now what" which really only came up in the final conclusion. Written in 2009, some of the examples do feel a bit dated, but not terrible.

[Troy Kramer · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of the book is rather misleading, because while it discusses many of the various ways and contexts in which basically everyone lies, it has very little to comment about the way to truthful relationships. Instead, it talks about how lying acts as a social lubricant whereby someone who is always truthful is seen as a socially awkward jerk. In the very last chapter, before the acknowledgements, as an afterthought to the entire book, the author states that maybe telling the truth isn't so bad in some situations.

The only reason this book was worth the read is because it does explore the various ways and situations in which people are motivated to lie, and it does this extensively.

[Rochelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Difficult to read without feeling generally disappointed in the universality of deception, whether that would be self-deception or deceiving or being deceived by others with varying degrees of risk. Nevertheless, to be unaware of one's own or another's capacity for untruthfulness or denial whether delivering the compliment when you would rather not be put on the spot by queries such as "does this dress make me look fat?" or all the way to pathological compulsive lying (in a very small percentage of the population) is to put one at greater risk. At the end of it all, the author exhorts the reader to be kind and honest whenever you can.

[Saeeda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book doesn't actually lay out the way to truthful relationships, instead it describes all the different ways people lie so you can be more cognizant of the fact that EVERYONE does lies (though not everyone has malicious intent.) It also points out the truth can sometimes hurt more than lies but even white lies can have unforeseen consequences. In the end, the advice was to take what everyone says with a grain of salt and look at the intent of the deception while trying to be more honest yourself. Again, while it didn't offer a concrete road map, I appreciate the insight nonetheless.

[Ahmad Hamad · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book explains how lying is a ubiquitous and universal among humans and has probably evolutionary roots. He explains the different levels of lying that we all engage in to different degrees, showing sympathy and understanding with the little while lies we tell without harming anyone and those other significant acts of betrayals and deceits and everything in between. To end it : some people are more honest than others, yet anyone can lie to you anytime about anything.

[Gin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book about all kinds of liars and lies people tell for good or bad reasons. It was an in-depth look on lies and i might have been ok with shorter version. The author teaches us to not lie, but throughout the whole book we see that it is merely impossible to do it or you would have a very hard life.

[Monika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind a interesting book, say that everybody lies , why we feel need to lie. And that is so hard spot lying even for professionals ( police, lie detector ...)
But it miss the part to truthful relationships .

[Sionainn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Library book. Was underlined and sidenoted throughout, detailing a spouse who’d been cheated on. Threw me off. This, combined with a few reviews I read, ensured I didn’t finish reading it. Wasn’t really what I expected.

[Celine · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit lengthy at times but overall a very insightful read about many aspects and nuances of lying from intentional to protective, from kids to adults with the occasional study sprinkled it to trigger some wow moments

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to read right now since we all have a government full of liars in our lives. Very useful.

[Quang Hưng · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s somehow could be considered as a textbook for liars study. However as well as a textbook, it’s a little bit wordy & verbose.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

The irony of the misleadingness of the subtleties...

It is a good investigation on how lying in its varying forms occurs in everyday life, however.

[Ronnie Yee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quote from book:
"But trust does not lead us to honest people - it is, rather, the faith we have in other people's honesty."

[Viri Romero · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ame este libro, da claridad y certeza de que todos mentimos, pero nos brinda algunas teorías y casos para entender las causantes.

[Mula Mûsøñdä · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative

[Sabrina · Rating 2 out of 5]

A broad overview of deceit; expounding on how and why we lie and why we believe those lies. Heavy on story-telling. Interesting overall, but tedious at times. *2.5

[Jaime Andrés · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book about learning of lies, types of them and knowing that it is more common of one usually thinks. In a way, without líes the society can not occur.

[Paul Froehlich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mark Twain said that lying is a universal behavior that can and should be used for good purposes. Pastor Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Church, the nation’s first megachurch, teaches that lying is wrong and Christians should eliminate the practice. So which is it, a universal behavior that can be used positively, or a regrettable violation of ethics?

Professor Robert Feldman takes a scientific approach, presenting what the research tells us about human beings and deception. It’s fair to say that the issue isn’t as black and white as Pastor Hybels would have it. Some lies are obviously destructive, designed to rip people off or to otherwise harm them. But Feldman says the evidence backs up Twain, that lying is a widespread, common and often harmless occurrence, not an act confined to cheating spouses or hardened criminals.

Why do people lie so regularly? One major reason is to build affinity.
When two people meet, they often look for what they have in common. Relationships are built by what people have in common and by agreement, not by disagreement and conflict. People build affinity by mirroring the other person's posture and by agreeing with him even if one doesn't really share the same enthusiasm. This process can involve exaggeration, emphasis and omission that presents a distorted picture of the truth.

Among the other reasons for lying are these:

* To express empathy, which is what the social situation calls for sometimes, even if we really don’t think, say, the death of a pet is a big deal.
* To grease the wheels of social discourse, not for illicit gain but to enhance communication.
* To be tactful to avoid giving offense (“those jeans don’t make you look fat.”) A great deal of deception is well-intentioned to protect our feelings.

This form of lying, which is not to cheat and manipulate, but to preserve relationships and to keep conversation going is relatively harmless, Feldman says. "Strict honesty is often directly opposed to what we consider to be standard social behavior." When they are exposed, however, white lies can weaken relationships. On the other hand, white lies can promote harmony as opposed to honestly telling others what we really think of them.

This book is full of interesting facts such as these:

* Some autistic kids seem incapable of lying; rather than being a virtue, however, it's a symptom of social difficulty.

* As with adults, kids who are good liars tend to have stronger social skills. Popular kids lie better; social confidence allows lying without showing distress. Socially skilled people are by definition tactful, polite and ingratiating -- all qualities that involve distorting or hiding one's true opinions.

* Deception might be hard-wired in our genes. Research finds that infants use fake crying or laughing to get attention. Given that animals often deceive each other and that the youngest of children lie, deception may be built into human nature.

* "Nature has selected deceit, and we see it in a vast array of plants, insects, and animals." Camouflage is a passive form of deceit used to fool predators. Many animals use deceptive behavior such as playing opossum when threatened.

* In hundreds of species of moths and butterflies, caterpillars or chrysalises display false eye and face patterns that mimic those of snakes, lizards or other animals to ward off birds.

Feldman recommends that we remain aware that everything we're told could be a lie, and that a person's manner isn't a reliable way to
gauge veracity. Since we can't verify everything, a rule of thumb is to verify those things that matter to us while not sweating the little stuff.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Regardless of whether you're struggling with a known prevaricator or not, this book deals with the lies people tell in everyday circumstances, the reasons this happens, and how culture nurtures this behavior.

Feldman presents a clear picture of lies in everyday life, from a narrow individual perspective that gradually builds to the expected lies that permeate every facet of society. Would you believe that when you first meet someone, you'll lie about 3 times in a 10 minute period? What about the way that we encourage children to lie or cheat because of the pressures associated with success and achievement? Would you believe that you help to continue the lies people tell you by actually benefiting from their truth-bending? Feldman explains all of these truths and more in 9 succinct chapters, all themed around a particular type or facet of lying.

This book would make a terrible self-help book as the suggestions on how to cope with lies are surprisingly few - albeit profound. In actuality, each chapter builds on the idea that lies are not only pervasive, but in many cases considered necessary to the functioning of society. Feldman expertly explains the various reasons people lie (and why audiences accept lies so readily) in a way that requires no knowledge of jargon or theory. The difference between malicious liars (such as stereotypical, greedy admins and con artists) and common liars (who either want to promote their own self image through lies or their audience's self-esteem) becomes startlingly clear, making it difficult to consider lying in such a black and white way as before reading the book. The reasons that people lie are much more complex, and the knowledge gleaned from these psychological insights can easily help readers identify lies in their everyday interactions in order to make an informed, self-aware choice to promote better, more open communication or continue the niceties and social norms that promote lying in general.

For something that is considered so clear and obvious, Feldman's book actually challenges the reader to think about the mixed signals and hypocrisy of expecting honesty without questioning the myriad motivations and situations in which we are expected to lie. This is an excellent book for anyone interested in communication and thought-processes behind everyday interactions.

[Mackenzie Bogiages · Rating 2 out of 5]

Spent too long reiterating small points

[Deepak · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is an interesting read for understanding lies in one's life. Most of us may be thinking that we don't lie or that the lies we indulge in are harmless. Mr Feldman ,himself a psychologist, has given a good explanation of the reasons we lie (knowingly or unknowingly) and as to the difficulty of tracing a lie.He cites one case study after another to show the various factors involved in lying and postulates that a certain amount of lying is important for a stable society.He takes an example of an autistic\little child who says hard truths about a person -appearance or otherwise and a normal grownup child who may hide the truth and say good things about the other person.He states that Society measures civilized behavior by the lie the child is making about the other person.He says , even makeup is a lie which society promotes.. This book contains lots of interesting insights like this ..

[keaiyuehua · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not up to my expectations. Certain chapters as if fillers and purposely being draggy just to prove/justify certain themes upheld by the author. More like detailing from different aspects how human can be a natural born liar (conditioned from young and also having the intelligence in comparison to animals that also lie/trick for survivals) and how lying is part of life. This book is definitely not so much on how to deal with liars (despite the somewhat misleading title; well can't blame since even in the book it talked about how people would sensationalize to sell) although in my opinion you can still make use of the understandings on the aspects of lying discussed in the book to comprehend other people (whether they are lying or lied) and also use them to safeguard yourself since now you are made aware of how it works.

[Siobhan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book drops on August 3rd. BUY IT! I just finished an "advance readers copy" I got from work. It's clear, succinct, well written, accessible, entertaining, edifying and to the point. If you love the truth, or have been lied to too many times, its incredibly helpful and enlightening. Author Robert Feldman utilizes numerous examples from popular culture to help illustrate scientific findings, including the Enron Scam, and Lou Perlman ripping off the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync. HOO-muthtruckin-RAY for this book. Some friends of mine will receive it as a gift. =)

[tiffany]

I thought this book was interesting in the fact that it really highlights how much lying goes on in every single conversation and how to a certain extent some of it is almost crucial but, if it is not for the ease of the conversation (ease as in flow) then there is a residual effect that lying causes, so the goal is not to be perfect but to be better, the less is more theory basically. I would lying however (O: if I didn't say that I did skim the last of the book because it is a bit tedious and long.