Was It Even Abuse?: Restoring clarity after covert abuse.

by Emma Rose Byham

Have you endlessly searched online trying to make sense of their behaviour? Hoping to understand how they treat you. ‘Is it normal?’ ‘Why does it hurt so much?’ Or perhaps you feel conflicted because you think their behaviour is unacceptable, but you question your judgement. You ask yourself,

‘Is it me?’
‘Am I too sensitive?’
‘Am I crazy?’

Was It Even Abuse? was written by Emma Rose Byham, founder of The Personal Growth Project and Instagram community (@thepersonalgrowth.project) to support you in working through the chronic confusion and self-doubt experienced after emotional and psychological abuse. This book
Emma helps you to restore clarity by breaking down a complex topic, supporting you to stop doubting what you’ve experienced, facilitate self-compassion for how you’ve been affected, reduce the inner conflict of who you understand them to be, and shift focus onto personal growth and building healthy relationships.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Emma founded The Personal Growth Project in 2017 to support the growth of survivors of emotional and psychological abuse, through her writing and her mentoring. She has established a large online community, and her social media posts have become a source of providing clarity. Her gift is to put into words an experience that is often hard to describe.

Emma’s background is working with young people who have experienced abuse, to help them recognise healthy and unhealthy bonds in their relationships, and to help them gain confidence and clarity. Emma has since studied Counselling and will complete her Psychology degree in 2023. She trained in integrative therapeutic counselling, combining person-centered, psychodynamic and CBT methods. She has in-depth knowledge of the experiences of abuse which has been gained through attending courses, first person accounts, self-teaching and personal experience.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships, Abuse, Personal Growth

263 pages, Paperback

Published July 23, 2022

Reviews

[Samia · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book held my hand, as I try to navigate some possible truths. Recognising abuse is hard enough, and learning to set boundaries with those who abuse us is a different ball game altogether. The book makes you do deep inner work, where you are forced to look within and understand why you put up with abuse. The answers will surprise you. It does a deep dive into trauma bonds and recognising bad behaviour that is disguised as love. This can be from a parent, mentor, spouse, or friend. Highly recommended.

[Michelle Kush · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you!

Spot on! Thank you for helping to explain what I have experienced… I didn’t have the words or understanding of the whole picture and now I do. This book is going to change my life. For the better.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great content.

[Shawna Sonne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!

This book... I bought this as soon as I filed for divorce from my husband. I was feeling unsure if what I did was right, if what I was feeling was even valid- after all, I was never hit. But wow, this book opened my eyes. I've had to take a hard look at the behaviors I always glanced over in my then-partner, and it left me feeling raw and vulnerable- for a good reason. This book helped me realize that what I experienced was abuse. It helped validate me. It helped me out of a very deep, dark hole of self-doubt, guilt, and regret.

If you're not sure whether the constant emotional and mental torment you're experiencing in a relationship constitutes as abuse, I recommend giving this book a read. I wasn't even halfway through the first chapter before I had to put it down to emotionally prepare myself, because I knew it was going to point out every single detail I'd carefully been avoiding acknowledging for 13 years. It held up a mirror to myself and my relationship, explaining why I responded or reacted to certain things, and showed me why those actions or behaviors were abusive.

This book shed light on the shame and confusion I'd been dealing with for so long, and it did so in the most gentle, straight-forward way. I cannot thank Emma Rose Byham enough for writing this. It has helped me so much.

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is probably the most important book ive ever read. If you have ever doubted yourself and questioned whether or not you were being abused all while you were being told that you were the abusive one, read this. Please. Not only did this book help me to recognize behaviors in other people that ive been overlooking when I shouldnt have, it did help me to identify things that ive been doing that I would like to change and improve on. Not all abuse is intentional, and this book does a fantastic job highlighting why we sometimes act and respond the way that we do, when its justified and when its abusive, and things we should be mindful of to keep things healthy. There are so many things about this book I could rant about for hours, but I wont waste your time, seriously just go read the book, you wont regret it.

[Hales Fry · Rating 5 out of 5]

TW: Loss of Child, Mental Illness Minimization


I've had to come to grips with a lot of things over the last couple years; things that were hurting me that I realized I mostly felt confusion about in regards to my previous marriage.

Being abandoned during miscarriages because he was tired, being told he didn't believe in mental illness even as he heard me get diagnosed with PTSD and depression, among other things. After growing up in a household with very little affection at all, I found myself sad but shrugging these things off. Until my therapist suggested this book and a few and I realized how many little moments were killing me underneath it all.

This is honestly a must read if you find yourself ever emotionally flinching in a relationship. If you ever find yourself going 'that kind of hurt...but why?'.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have almost finished this book. I felt compelled to write a review. I have read many books on abusive behaviour and coercive control. I think this book is one of, if not THE best I have ever read.
So thorough and so precise, down to every detail. If you are considering reading this, please do. This book will help you fully understand the abusive dynamic and will truly help you see things more clearly.

[Ginger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't know I needed this book, but books always find us at the right time.
This book provided language for feelings I didn't know how to describe and context for a situation that was devastatingly confusing and hurtful.
Knowledge is power - and, in this case, a huge step toward healing.
If you're not sure, read it anyway.

[Keara Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Validating and relatable, this is a must-read for anyone who questions their relationship or has been in a questionable relationship. The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because I wish it had talked more about abuse in other “loving” relationships such as familial.

[Zoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for helping to remove the shame around emotionally abusive relationships!

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely helpful and straightforward book on recognising and moving past abusive relationships.this has proved extremely valuable in my work as a counsellor and helped me bridge the gap in training. As a matter of fact i would recommend this as a must read for all level 4 counselling trainees.
While this book is excellent i would like to have had a little chapter on the effects of abuse on the brain and especially executive functioning like memory. Perhaps next edition?
Once again, very informative and valuable read. Highly recommend it.

[Gayle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Question Answered

I’ve spent much of my adult life asking this very question…”Was It Even Abuse?” It was the title that drew me to this book. The author answers that question. Her words are jaw dropping accurate for someone who lives in an abusive relationship which, from the outside, seems just fine. I’m very grateful to this author. She affirmed my experience, my truth. I read this book slowly, which isn’t my nature, but this was a very painful for me.

[Lia Barger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very powerful book for me as I try to understand my past and move forward. Love doesn’t hurt. Ever.

[Frances Koziar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was super helpful to me and really deserves its high ratings. I've read many trauma therapy books before, but this one really addressed an issue that others don't: the situation where you've been told you're the abusive one, but seemingly nothing you do can change that or fix the relationship, and you are acutely suffering. I found it very applicable to insidious community/congregational abuse, and it really did help substantially with restoring clarity. An example of one helpful point: she says if you're the one trying your hardest to meet the other person/group (more than) halfway and you are most concerned with relationship repair, while they are not concerned with repair but are instead focussed on control (/punishing you), then that is a sign that you are the one being abused, not them. Situations like these can result in you distrusting your own judgement, and this book really helps you remember your own judgements and that their opinion isn't law.

Highly recommended!

[Megan French · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truthfully, I thought this book would be different than what it ended up being. From the title and description, I anticipated it being more about addressing lesser-known and more covert forms of abuse. While it did that, it wasn't quite as in-depth on those experiences as I'd hoped. Most of it was really a repetition of knowledge that I was already aware of.

With that being said, it did get into some of the behaviors of covert emotional abuse which I found incredibly helpful in navigating my own past experiences in relationships.

All in all, it's a fantastic read, especially for people who are less familiar with abuse dynamics who want to make sense of their experience.

[Conrad · Rating 3 out of 5]

I put this on my reading list because I had questions about a relationship that ended. It took me so long to find a copy that I already figured it out. However, this book gave me so much insight into why abuse victims struggle to leave and why they often go back multiple times before leaving for good. It also showed me that an ex from high school was emotionally abusive. I just thought she was kind of a hoe.

[Lauren Little · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably not the book I would recommend to a lot of people as this subject isn't the easiest to read about. However, if you have been in an abusive relationship, this book helps you understand more about how those relationships differ from other relationships. This book told me a lot of things I needed reinforced.

[Alyssa Lamascus · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a super helpful and eye-opening book. However, I do want to caution that it can be very serious and heavy to someone who can relate to the option. I had to take several reading breaks in order to not be emotionally overwhelmed. So while I believe this is a MUST read, I don't recommend it for a single sitting!

[Anne Riddick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource

This book is extremely validating. It helps give understanding and clarity to all the mixed messages and messed up emotions that happened to me in and after I left an abusive situationship. I don't call it a relationship anymore as it is empowering for me to live in my truth of the situation I found myself in unknowingly.

[B · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a key handbook for recovery from abuse that I recommend to anyone who is processing and putting themselves back together when they are ready. Challenging read, but very concrete and simultaneously takes a clinical/diagnostic approach yet is not cold, still compassionate and gentle. Be prepared to weep.

[Emma Slaney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really valuable read for anyone going through or coming out of this kind of relationship.
For both recognising patterns/behaviours and working through the mixed emotions that come with it - it was a great aid to help make sense of the situation, would highly recommend!

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Possibly one of the best books I’ve ever read, it ripped my heart out though because it validated my experiences and I found it hard to read at times, I cried at the end but I will re read it when I feel able to and I’m so grateful it’s been written

[Jennifer Hughes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful resource

I would recommend this book to anyone who has questioned whether they are in an abusive relationship. I felt very seen as I read some of the descriptions and validated for my choice to leave my unhappy marriage.

[Anke Yarnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful to anyone wanting to learn more about emotional/covert abuse; what it is and how it can present to help with identification. Also tips on coping through it as well as after. Very informative with understandable/relatable examples to help the reader understand what's being discussed.

[Allissah Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciated that the book didn’t shy away from some hard truths. Reading her explanations gave me a name for so many years of hurt that I was unable to see. She offers practical steps on slowly moving forward but also allows you to ask questions about yourself that ultimately help you grow.

[Linsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very repetitive, but it helped to heal some old wounds.

[Logan Vaude · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I’ve read about abuse to date. The language is also very inclusive because anyone can be an abuser.

[M.J. Kuhn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I highlighted half of this book lol.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is so much valuable content in this book. Countless passages of information that resonates with the abused. Well worth the read.

[Tori Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highlighted almost every part of this book, because each chapter, page, section and sentence both validated and explained the abuse I experienced.