When Your Family Says No

by Laya Martin

When Your Family Says No is an inside look at the Orthodox Jewish Community, told by a girl who fled one of its most prominent families.

A modern-day version of Fiddler on The Roof At 19, Laya Steinberg fell in love and ran away with a non-Jewish man – violating centuries of tradition and religious law. In the wake of ex-communication and an intense campaign to win her back, including private detectives and family spies, she managed to make a new life for herself and her children. Laya’s story is the tale of tens of thousands of others, Jewish or otherwise, who choose to lead lives in ways that do not neatly conform to the expectations of their families. As Laya chooses love over religious and cultural traditions, she wakes up to a new world of independence and freedom, a world where she must risk everything, she has known to become the woman she was meant to be. We are reminded of the beautiful, unexpected turns life takes if we are brave enough to take the helm of our own truth.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

271 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 2, 2022

Reviews

[Myrna Schimmel · Rating 2 out of 5]

confused

There are a few very important issues that are not addressed. What happened to johns children from his first marriage? Who is her 2nd husband. And how and when did John die?

[Taylor Cohen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating memoir of a woman who falls in love with someone outside of her region and she fled her life for a sense of freedom. Thank you Laya’s team for my free copy in exchange for an honest review. Overall the message Laya tells us is it is possible to make your own path in life and own your truth.

[Bev · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate that I received this book from a Goodreads giveaway. The story was interesting but also missing a lot of information that would have been helpful to understand more about the author's life.

[Faryaal Haq · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall, a compelling story. When I read the first few chapters of the book, I began to understand how heavy of a decision it took for Laya to marry the one she loves. As someone who studied politics and international relations in college, the monarchical roots that were incorporated into Laya's background really set the weight of the decision. Moreover, the conservative values displayed throughout the story from changing schools, to how the girls dressed, and family values- this stood out to me the most. I'm a Muslim, and despite being of a different faith, the family aspects in the book had several similarities to my faith. Especially how the father is typically the head of the household, and women would be looked after by their fathers until they become the responsibility of their husbands.

Another aspect that really stood out to me when reading the story was how Jews in the United States had felt during the Holocaust, which introduced the concept of survivor's guilt. I found this to be interesting because I became to understand how much further weight there was in the decision made by marrying outside the faith.

As for family ties, I couldn't help but reflect on the relationship I have my sisters. I'm the oldest of two- no brothers. Laya had to grow up to watch her older sisters move out as they got married and have their babies. The book had me thinking about the relationship I have with my sisters, and how things between my siblings and I would be like when I move in and have my own family. especially how my sisters and I may feel when the day comes where all three of us are no longer living under the same roof.

Definitely a recommendation for anyone wanting to learn about religion, culture, love, and family.

[Reader · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wasn't expecting literature, so on that count I couldn't be disappointed. But apparently neural pathways in the brain are etched early in life and almost impossible to rearrange. So like so many if not most people who grow up in cults, she just can't shake it. When as an adult, she "discovers" ultra wing darling, favorite of Trump (who I'm sure has never read her because he can't/doesn't read) Ayn Rand (exchanging replacing one set of outlandish cultish life proscriptions for another) I was so not surprised. Even the negative title of the book tells you how she simply can't extricate herself from her family's disapproval - a mild word for the deceit and humiliation, pressure and ostracism, i.e., psychological torture they inflicted on her. That she would continue, for years, to long for their approval and acknowledgment, and especially to acquiesce to their inhuman demand that she show up at family weddings without her wedding band—pretending not to be a wife and a mother and businesswoman she had become—reveals the extent of this brainwashing and lifelong damage to her psyche. Anyone not raised in a cult would recognize her family's demands as abuse, i.e., would turn her back on these loathsome people and not look back. But she is inextricably tethered to and conditioned to "love" her torturers, to transforming her guilt into self-punishment, to remaining ever the loyal, sacrificing, obedient and long-suffering daughter she was programmed by cultists to be. Ayn Rand indeed.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir was so eye-opening and really resonated with me. Growing up in a very conservative religion that I don't quite fit in, it was refreshing to read of an experience of someone who also had the courage to say, "This is not for me".

Laya grew up in a Jewish home that was mainstream and was able to balance religion in the secular world. When her older sisters decided to take on the Ultra Orthodox values of Judaism, the rest of the family decided they had become too secular. With questions and concerns about the beliefs Laya was raised with, she found herself on the outside looking in, and the rose colored glasses were removed. After making an unforgivable decision, she learned that she could still observe her Jewish culture and traditions and still live in a secular world.

This was written so well and kept me very engaged. I found so much that was heartbreaking yet so courageous. Making the decision to leave everything behind to find happiness is so brave. And this book testifies of that.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this memoir. It was absolutely wild! I’m not very familiar with the Jewish religion and all the different types Jewish dynasties. I only knew that Orthodox Jews were more strict.

Laya shares some heartbreaking and absolutely crazy experiences she went through growing up as a Hasidic Jew, and my mouth was constantly dropping in the first half of the book where she explains her past and growing up in a strict Hasidic Jewish household. Her dad literally changes her name when shes like 11 or 12 with no explanation.

I learned so much from this book aside from experiencing heartbreaking moments that Laya endured in her journey of falling in love with a Non Jew. Beautiful!

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Laya Martin's memoir is well-written and compelling. Growing up in an ultra conservative Orthodox Jewish community she feels the pull to explore different ideas and other ways of living. You can really feel her dilemma as she tries to honor her family and herself. The huge flaw in When Your Family Says No is she never ties up her journey. We never learn of the fate of her first husband - did they divorce, did he die? So confusing.

[Marilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful storytelling makes “When Your Family Says No," a compelling read. Martinez, who was raised in an Orthodox home, takes the reader on her journey toward creating a new life. A life that comes with hard choices and life-long consequences. In her memoir, she shares the joy of falling in love, and the pain of leaving her family behind.

[Brittney Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply beautiful. I had no idea of the pressure and guardrails placed on Orthodox Jews, as well as so many countless other religions. Such an insightful read. Laya’s story is inspiring and will certainly touch all who read it.

I was sent this book in exchange for a video review. I am so grateful for the opportunity to read this!

[Sheila · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's an interesting book. Hard to put down. But I felt left hanging by the ending without understanding what happened to John and his children and reading in the back of the book that her husband was Gary. It would have helped to tie up loose ends for the reader who spends time investing in her story.

[Elisabeth Tarchala · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading how the author overcame the obstacles of having the difference of belief she had with her family. I Katherine at her strength to trust in what she believed in her gut was best for her even though she was giving up the family she obviously so dearly cherished. What a great example of strong perseverance and strength to follow your conviction even at such a great loss.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story of a young woman’s struggle with the family she loves dearly, when man-made traditions take the place of faith. I would like to have known if John’s children from his first marriage were a part of their lives.

[james bain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening account

Such an interesting & informative book exploring the many rules attached to the authors devout upbringing. The heartache of separation for both parties when she left home and finally how she withstood rejection to live in her own life.

[Amy Gray Rawlinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned some things about the customs and traditions in Judaism, so that is what gives it the 3 stars for me. Layla’s story was interesting but It needed a better editor or author and definitely someone different to read it (don’t listen to the audiobook)

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful read

[Lani Lamp · Rating 5 out of 5]

good story

A great book. Explores how religion can destroy a family.
Interesting info on culture and customs of orthodox Jewish people. Well written.

[Dawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A captivating story of choosing between honoring yourself and honoring your family.

[Sharron Meyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read!

[Taryn Plummer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book but it wasn't for me.

[Vic1245 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very powerful. Brought me to tears on multiple occasions.

[Faigie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Could not put this book down. Very well written. Read it in 2 days.

[Alison Souder · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mom and grandma recommended this - interesting story about an ultra-orthodox woman leaving her family after an extremely sheltered childhood and a super quick read

[Kaylie Guderian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Couldn't put it down, but definitely had some missing details that would have been helpful.

[Stacey B · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very emotional story that asks does "love conquers all"?
If you knew your family would disown you, what choice will you make.
I'm not sure I could have endured the pain to become a hero to my heart.
Brava Laya !!!

[Karen Early · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books that I have read in many years. Didn’t want to finish it.

[Luke Harkness · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read my full review on my website.

When Your Family Says No is a fascinating look into the orthodox Jewish community and how it affected one woman’s life and how when she grew older and had to leave her family, it really shone a spotlight on the religion and its limitations. Laya is an incredibly brave person for what she did and reading about her strict upbringing, her limitations as a woman in the religion and then the reaction from her family and friends of the religion when she chose to leave is a real eye opener and a genuinely insightful look into a world completely different from so many of those of us reading it.

[Laya Martinez · Rating 5 out of 5]

A masterful Book taking me on a very shaking trip through heer life. The book is very well written and gives the reader the possibility to accompany her in your thoughts and feelings. This was an extraordinary experience.
Charlotte