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De ce iubim. Noua știință din spatele celor mai strânse relații dintre noi

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O incitantă explorare antropologică a științei dragostei

Ce ne pot spune științele sociale și umaniste despre experiența umană cel mai greu de cuantificat — dragostea? Anna Machin caută cel mai cuprinzător răspuns cu putință, care consideră prietenia și familia pe picior de egalitate cu dragostea romantică, dar și cu poliamoria, familia aleasă, dragostea queer și chiar iubirea pentru animalele de companie, celebrități sau zeități.
Ea studiază în detaliu aceste relații intime, pornind de la nivelul biologiei, chimiei și neuroștiinței și ajungând până la psihologie, sociologie și evoluție, într-o lucrare antrenantă, accesibilă și fermecătoare.
Autoarea nu se ferește să analizeze și consecințele mai întunecate ale dragostei — caracterul ei generator de dependență, care ne poate duce spre manipulare, coerciție sau chiar violență. În final, cartea reprezintă un argument în favoarea dragostei, iar Anna Machin urmărește să ne dezvolte înțelegerea și să ne reînnoiască admirația în fața complexităților și complicațiilor inimii omenești.

384 pages, Paperback

Published January 1, 2022

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Anna Machin

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5 stars
39 (20%)
4 stars
80 (41%)
3 stars
61 (31%)
2 stars
13 (6%)
1 star
2 (1%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
Profile Image for Alan Chrisman.
67 reviews66 followers
February 17, 2025
DR. Anna Machin, evolutionary anthropologist examines all kinds of love:romantic, parental, friends, spiritual, idols, pets. She cites studies show which part of brains light up with release of certain body chemicals. Moms, dads, different sexes, ethnic groups can have different responses. Beta-endorphin(ironically a natural pain suppressant) is the main "love" chemical that binds relationships of all kinds. Scientific yet down-to-Earth written. Recommend.
Profile Image for Dana.
117 reviews4 followers
May 3, 2025
Answers some questions while leaving room for interpretations in other instances. It is an interesting read altoghether. I recommend it. Just 4 stars because of personal taste.
177 reviews19 followers
October 9, 2022
„Ce este iubirea? Ceva care ne transformă complet viața”. ✨
Profile Image for Helen.
291 reviews2 followers
April 9, 2022
This book gets quite scientific and while I can't say I understood every little thing, I really appreciate the scope of Machin's writing on the neuroscience and genetics of love. She's impressively thorough for a (fairly) short book, covering an expansive list of topics under the umbrella of love-from religion and stan culture to friendships and abuse. I learned about this book while reading Ace by Angela Chen, so I knew to expect it, but it was still very nice to see her give proper consideration and time to the experiences of love in the margins. She addresses the ways in which queer love differs (or doesn't) and includes studies and perspectives on polyamory and aromance. Obviously there are a lot of gaps in the science for these kinds of things, but Machin does a really good job of bringing together the existing body of scientific knowledge and making reasonable extrapolations. All around a really interesting read!
Profile Image for Lara.
599 reviews37 followers
February 25, 2023
Quite an ambitious book that goes into a lot of detail (particularly concerning genetics and neuroscience) which I'm familiar enough with to follow. However, it gets quite tiring sometimes and other parts are quite basic. Machin's perspective is also quite evolution and biology heavy so just keep that in mind. I was also not convinced by her scientific thoroughness, kind of cherry picking evidence supporting her arguments and neglecting contrasting evidence and perspectives. Additionally, I did not like Machin's tone and found her interpretations and binary, heteronormative, and romantic focus (while understandable from her evolutionary perspective) still a bit confusing and frankly uncool. Particularly because in a few paragraphs she writes about LGBT aspects or aromance but then completely neglects it for the rest of the book and actually sort of generalises to extents that sometimes seem more than a little exclusionary. Also why write that there is too much focus on romantic love and heteronormativity and want to show the whole scope but then focus on exactly that again?! And honestly, for such a new book I was expecting a lot more on love in LGBT contexts and friendship and it might be unfounded but there was kind of a transphobic vibe to it and it didn't feel very feminist either. I can't help but feel disappointed by this book even though some chapters, e.g. on religion were quite interesting.

On a lesser issue; the snippets of quotes by interviewees could have used some editing.
Profile Image for Rachel Loh.
108 reviews2 followers
July 16, 2023
Interesting and clearly well researched but can get tiring and tedious through the more theory based sections. Not because they are boring but I found them a bit difficult to understand with all the official numbers as a visual person.
Profile Image for Majla.
42 reviews14 followers
December 2, 2023
Brilliant discovery of Anna Machin thanks to the new series of BBC 4 „Seven Deadly Psychologies“.

“I understand that John believes that Mary knows that Stuart imagines that Jane is cheating on him.”
Profile Image for Richard Patterson.
9 reviews1 follower
December 14, 2024
Y’know, when anthropology is recommended and you just think…’yawn, anthropology again?!’ … those armchair anthropologists out there…c’mon!
Profile Image for Magdalena.
394 reviews9 followers
December 30, 2022
Czy zastanawialiście się kiedykolwiek co sprawia, że serce szybciej bije na czyjś widok, dlaczego bardziej lubimy koty niż psy, czy też z jakich powodów uwielbiamy dalekie podróże a o mdłości przyprawiają nas wycieczki piesze?
Jeśli ciekawią Was odpowiedzi na te pytania koniecznie sięgnijcie po książkę autorstwa Anny Machin „Dlaczego kochamy. Naukowe kulisy najbliższych więzi”, a poznacie naturę procesów psychicznych odpowiadających za nasze życiowe upodobania, na każdej możliwej płaszczyźnie.
Autorka postawiła sobie za punkt honoru naukowe rozpracowanie kulisów więzi najbliższych człowiekowi, w znacznej mierze sięgając w głąb ludzkiego mózgu. Okazuje się bowiem, że chociaż powszechnie mówi się, że za nasze życie uczuciowe odpowiedzialne jest serce, to tak naprawdę tym, jaka jest natura miłości steruje umysł ludzki, wsparty w swym działaniu przez hormony szczęścia – oksytocynę i dopaminę, a dodatkowo ukierunkowany przez podłoże kulturowe i środowiskowe, co na kartach książki potwierdza Autorka.
Nie jest to zatem poradnik o tym kto, dlaczego i jak powinien pokierować swym postępowaniem, aby osiągnąć pełnię szczęścia w miłosnych podbojach, gdyż z racji swych naukowych upodobań Autorka wnika w meandry neurologii, psychologii, a nawet genetyki, poszukując naukowych wyjaśnień dla relacji rządzących ludzkim życiem. Nie ogranicza się przy tym jedynie do badania miłości romantycznej, choć zakochanie, postrzegane przez nią jako swoista rewolucja w ludzkim życiu, pieczołowicie jest przez nią zbadane, idzie jednak krok dalej śledząc mechanizmy odpowiedzialne za kształtowanie się miłości rodzicielskiej, więzów przyjaźni, czy miłości do zwierząt. Autorka nie stroni też od poruszania kontrowersyjnych zagadnień pochylając się nad kwestią duchowej więzi z Bogiem, miłości hetero i homoseksualnej, dotykając nawet poliamorii.
Książka stanowi fascynującą podróż w nieznane, przez wydawać by się mogło doskonale znane ścieżki. Nic bardziej mylnego. Lektura tej książki pokazuje, że nasza wiedza o naturze miłości jest dość powierzchowna, choć chyba wszyscy mamy świadomość, że to trudny i czasami bolesny temat. Autorka udowadnia jednak, że podłoże miłości jest zróżnicowane, tak jak różne są jej rodzaje, przy czym ogromnym walorem tej pozycji jest odejście o gołosłowia i pustych frazesów, a oparcie się na solidnej porcji wiedzy, udokumentowanej licznymi interdyscyplinarnymi badaniami poświęconymi analizie miłości.
Co równie ważne, chociaż Autorka jest na co dzień badaczem - doktorem antropologii kultury, wiedza przekazana w niniejszym tytule bynajmniej nie jest suchym akademicki dyskursem, ale podana została w bardzo przystępny i prosty sposób, tak aby zainteresować czytelnika, a nie zniechęcić go od dalszego zgłębiania tematu. Porzucając zatem terminologie zrozumiałe jedynie dla znawców tematu, Autorka zadbała o to, aby naukowy przekaz stał się czytelny dla laików. Temu również służyć miały wykorzystane w pracy wypowiedzi zwykłych ludzi, dzielących się swoimi przeżyciami związanymi z ich postrzeganiem miłości kształtującej ich związki z partnerami, dziećmi, przyjaciółmi, miłością do futrzastych stworzeń, czy zamiłowaniu do takiego a nie innego hobby.
Jeśli zatem lubicie sięgać po książki z gatunku popularno-naukowych, a przy tym fascynują Was mechanizmy rządzące percepcją miłości, musicie koniecznie zapoznać się z treścią „Dlaczego kochamy”. Być może zmieni to Wasz sposób postrzegania więzi kształtujących nasze życie, może skłoni do refleksji nad nimi. Pozostaje mi tylko polecić raz jeszcze ten tytuł i zachęcić do spojrzenia na miłosne więzi z naukowego punktu widzenia, który choć różnił się będzie od romantycznego ich ujęcia, może okazać się równie ciekawy i pasjonujący.
166 reviews
April 30, 2025
Machin berpendapat bahwa, secara evolusioner, manusia tidak bisa hidup sendiri—kita membutuhkan dukungan emosional dan kerjasama dengan orang lain untuk bertahan hidup dan berkembang. Cinta sebagai bentuk ikatan emosional berfungsi sebagai katalisator utama dalam membentuk hubungan yang memungkinkan kita untuk bertahan dalam kelompok sosial dan bekerja sama, baik dalam keluarga, pertemanan, maupun hubungan romantis

Machin menggambarkan bahwa dalam beberapa kasus, kecanduan cinta bisa berisiko, terutama ketika seseorang terjebak dalam hubungan yang tidak sehat atau bermasalah namun tetap merasa tergantung secara emosional pada pasangan mereka. Seiring waktu, ini bisa menyebabkan perasaan kekosongan dan ketidakpuasan, karena individu tersebut mengharapkan perasaan senang yang sama setiap kali mereka terlibat dalam hubungan, padahal itu tidak selalu terjadi.

ab ini juga membahas bagaimana ketergantungan emosional pada orang lain—baik dalam hubungan keluarga, pertemanan, atau romantis—sering kali dianggap sebagai kelemahan atau sesuatu yang kurang penting, meskipun sebenarnya sangat berhubungan dengan kemampuan kita untuk bertahan dalam hidup. Peskin menekankan bahwa memiliki ikatan emosional yang kuat dengan orang lain bukan hanya tentang mendapatkan dukungan ketika kita membutuhkan, tetapi juga tentang merasa dihargai, terhubung, dan mendapatkan rasa aman yang sangat penting dalam proses penyembuhan dan pertumbuhan pribadi.

Machin menjelaskan bahwa dalam hubungan, kontrol bisa muncul dalam berbagai bentuk—dari kontrol emosional yang halus, seperti memanipulasi perasaan pasangan, hingga kontrol fisik yang lebih terang-terangan. Bab ini menekankan bahwa meskipun kontrol dalam hubungan bisa terasa menguatkan atau memberikan rasa aman, jika tidak disertai dengan pengertian dan saling menghormati, kontrol ini bisa menjadi sumber penderitaan dan ketegangan.

Peskin juga membahas bagaimana kontrol sering kali berkaitan dengan ketidakamanan pribadi. Mereka yang merasa cemas atau tidak aman dalam diri mereka sendiri mungkin merasa perlu untuk mengontrol orang lain agar merasa lebih aman. Hal ini sering kali muncul dalam hubungan yang tidak seimbang, di mana satu pihak merasa memiliki kuasa yang lebih besar atas yang lain, baik itu dalam keputusan-keputusan kecil sehari-hari ataupun dalam aspek-aspek yang lebih besar dari kehidupan bersama.

Motivasi yang sehat untuk mencintai harus berasal dari tempat yang lebih dalam, yaitu cinta untuk diri sendiri, serta keinginan untuk saling mendukung tanpa kehilangan diri sendiri.
Profile Image for Jasmine Rippey.
53 reviews1 follower
September 8, 2025
Exactly the type of nonfiction that I, a lover of fiction, actively seek out as a brain break from romance. As a society, we obsess over every aspect of love- how to find it, how to keep it, how to win it back, how to cultivate it, how to read about it (me!), or how to avoid it so it never hurts us again. I enjoyed how Machin analyzed many different forms of love, from the love between families and friends and animals aside from the obvious romantic love. The qualities that make love possible were some of the most interesting points. For example, I had no idea that empathy can be hereditary, and that certain aspects of western culture make the individual so important that being empathetic is a beneficial character trait that might not exist so strongly in other cultures. She answers questions I hadn't even stopped to consider. What is different, if anything, about the love that some people feel towards their gods through worship and religion? What about control and Machiavellianism make someone a nightmare to fall in love with? Looking forward to reading her other book, The Life of Dad, after hearing her touch on parenting in this one.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Dana Baker.
33 reviews2 followers
July 17, 2022
Read this title for a research paper in my Psychology of Close Relationships class. Lots of scientifc findings and easily digestible study summaries if you need reference materials for an assignment.

From a personal standpoint, there were key takeaways, as well. The role relationships play in our health and life expectancy never ceases to amaze me. I may as well smoke and drink and quit exercising if I can't figure out a way to better prioritze human connection. Attachment styles is another area I need to better understand - I am beginning to recognize how impactful this has been in my life, and I'm not entirely sure I need to change, or if I should just adjust my expectations towards a more secure partner. I'm interested to read more about suitability and alleviation of anxiety, as it sounds like the author found improvement over time with the right balance in her current relationship.
Profile Image for Aveldlay.
86 reviews
July 31, 2022
Jak na "Naukowe kulisy najbliższych więzi" to trochę za mało tu konkretów. Temat jest potraktowany bardzo ogólnie, sporo tu oczywistości, a gdy już pojawi się jakieś ciekawsze zagadnienie, to jest omawiane powierzchownie. Brakowało mi tu dokładniejszych analiz przytaczanych badań, więcej tu było filozofowania niż naukowej analizy tematu. Mam też wrażenie, że autorka próbowała chwycić kilka srok za ogon, podejmując się omawiania wielu rodzajów miłości (rodzicielskiej, przyjacielskiej, do zwierząt, do celebrytów, do Boga itd.), ale finalnie nic na tym nie ugrała, bo nie czuję, żebym dowiedziała się czegokolwiek nowego o którymkolwiek z nich.
Nie jest to na tyle treściwe, żebym mogła to polecić osobom, które szukają mocno naukowej książki psychologicznej, ale nie jest też na tyle rozrywkowe, żeby można było wręczyć ten tytuł osobom konsumującym pop-psychologię. Więc to taka trochę lektura dla nikogo.
Profile Image for Antonio Gallo.
Author 6 books55 followers
August 19, 2022
Nel suo nuovo libro, Perché amiamo: la nuova scienza dietro le nostre relazioni più strette, l'antropologa evoluzionista Anna Machin sostiene che l'amore è "una cosa altamente complessa e multifattoriale". Per dargli un senso è necessario quello che lei chiama un approccio "espansionista". A tal fine, nel libro vengono inseriti frammenti di interviste anonime e ciascuno dei dieci capitoli copre una diversa ragione d'amore, tra cui "Attaccamento", "Motivazione" e "Controllo". Inoltre, Machin prende in prestito "idee e tecniche da altre discipline incentrate sull'uomo" per cercare prove e risposte "a tutti i livelli di spiegazione". Il suo obiettivo è la “comprensione a 360°”. Naturalmente, non è raggiunto; a parte un fugace riferimento alla teoria della mente, per esempio, manca una discussione sulla filosofia. Ma Why We Love fornisce un'ampia panoramica della sua materia e riesce a rendere intelligibile la vera scienza.
2 reviews
August 9, 2025
Incredibly detailed and stimulating

This in depth look at why we love delves deep into the science and neurochemistry behind love in addition to the anthropological reasons that our love relationships exist. I appreciated that the author not only covered romantic partners but also a substantial part of the book to loves of friends, family, and even pets. Great read but takes some time to digest thoughtfully.
Profile Image for Mack Daddy69.
9 reviews
February 6, 2023
Machin presents the core problem with modern academic thought: she's forgotten where she's coming from. She interweaves interdisciplinary discourse to provide a plethora of answers to the question of "What is love?", but she fails to do justice to philosophical contributions which would have turned the buds of useful information she plants throughout the book into a blooming vista
11 reviews1 follower
November 29, 2024
Quite scientific take on love. It covers a broad spectrum of different kinds of love. I really like the approach how things are explained. But If you try to find the final answer to the question „What is love?“ Then this book won‘t answer it for you. But on the other hand, is there really a definite answer to that question?
Profile Image for Marie Mulling.
5 reviews1 follower
July 27, 2022
This book is worth reading just for the bit that scientifically explains that my dog loves me more than hot dogs. Also, if you're done your dna through a home test, you can check the raw data to see how your genes match up to the ones mentioned in the studies in the book. Fascinating.
Profile Image for Ale.
53 reviews2 followers
May 21, 2023
O carte fascinanta, foarte bine scrisa de catre un antropolog care si-a facut bine temele, cu dovezi din multe studii din domenii diferite ca a biologiei, neurostiintei, psihologiei, sociologiei, scrisa intr-un still amuzant pe alocuri si usor de parcurs. Recomand cu, caldura!
2 reviews
December 4, 2024
An interesting if slightly academically heavy breakdown of various theories of love, pleasure and why humans bond to one another. Very clearly well researched and cited, highest respect to the author who clearly understands their topic of study at a very deep level.
Profile Image for Postscriptum.
212 reviews2 followers
May 13, 2022
3,5/5

Dobra, ale czegoś mi zabrakło. Sporo badań, a mimo to czuję niedosyt informacji
Profile Image for Roxana Popescu.
18 reviews
September 15, 2022
Why we love? The book gives 10 good reasons for it.
But number one on the list is evolution bribery 😊.
A lovey-dovey neuroscience book!
448 reviews
January 25, 2024
Kind of perfect. Would be worth re-reading.
Liked the scientific perspective and insightful commentary.
Profile Image for tumi.
10 reviews
August 7, 2025
Very interesting but I found it heavy on the scientific/academic language. At times a bit too difficult to follow. But overall a great read if you’re into psychology.
Profile Image for Marghe.
84 reviews9 followers
July 12, 2025
Oxytocin, dopamine and, the key to our ability to love in a long term, beta-endorphin. :)

A book that explores the different kinds of love through the lens of the latest scientific discoveries. Love comes in many forms and varies slightly depending on our biology and the nature of our relationships, whether with a partner, a family member, a friend, a pet, or even with a divinity. It’s fascinating to see how they work. I really appreciated that she also considered homosexual and polyamorous relationships.
The gist of the book is that, whatever kind of relationships we have with people, we need them. We need to love and be loved, for our wellbeing, and even for our survival.

"Beyond the water, food and shelter that we need just to survive, our relationship with those we love has the largest impact on our health and happiness, our life satisfaction and longevity. Love has been around a long time but it is still as much about survival today as it has always been."
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