The Shame of Survival: Working Through a Nazi Childhood

by Ursula Mahlendorf

While we now have a great number of testimonials to the horrors of the Holocaust from survivors of that dark episode of twentieth-century history, rare are the accounts of what growing up in Nazi Germany was like for people who were reared to think of Adolf Hitler as the savior of his country, and rarer still are accounts written from a female perspective. Ursula Mahlendorf, born to a middle-class family in 1929, at the start of the Great Depression, was the daughter of a man who was a member of the SS at the time of his early death in 1935. For a long while during her childhood she was a true believer in Nazism―and a leader in the Hitler Youth herself. This is her vivid and unflinchingly honest account of her indoctrination into Nazism and of her gradual awakening to all the damage that Nazism had done to her country. It reveals why Nazism initially appealed to people from her station in life and how Nazi ideology was inculcated into young people. The book recounts the increasing hardships of life under Nazism as the war progressed and the chaos and turmoil that followed Germany’s defeat. In the first part of this absorbing narrative, we see the young Ursula as she becomes an enthusiastic member of the Hitler Youth and then goes on to a Nazi teacher-training school at fifteen. In the second part, which traces her growing disillusionment with and anger at the Nazi leadership, we follow her story as she flees from the Russian army’s advance in the spring of 1945, works for a time in a hospital caring for the wounded, returns to Silesia when it is under Polish administration, and finally is evacuated to the West, where she begins a new life and pursues her dream of becoming a teacher. In a moving Epilogue, Mahlendorf discloses how she learned to accept and cope emotionally with the shame that haunted her from her childhood allegiance to Nazism and the self-doubts it generated.

Genres: History, Memoir, Holocaust, World War II, Nonfiction, War, Germany

376 pages, Hardcover

First published March 1, 2009

Reviews

[Lewis Weinstein · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a sincere, well-documented, and in many places emotional effort to describe Nazi events through the eyes of the then 10-15 year old author who was a participant. For example, Mahlendorf is quite clear when she writes ...

... No one living in Germany at the time can claim they heard nothing of Kristallnacht

… I heard screaming and crashing and the splintering of glass

… when I began to ask questions my mother silenced me

And yet she has nothing to say about her feelings as she observed what had happened … did she recognize at the time that crimes were being committed? Did this bother her then, or did she simply look the other way as her mother indicated, and only become revolted by those events years later when the Nazis were gone? Mahlendorf makes clear, as did Melita Maschmann in Account Rendered: a Dossier on my Former Self which I have also recently reviewed, that it took time, study, and difficult self-analysis to grow out of the Nazi indoctrination, yet I would very much like to have known her contemporaneous feelings.

There are, however, many other moving statements that leave no doubt where Mahlendorf got to after the war.

... Since the war I have found it impossible to use the German word Jude … I have found the use of the euphemisms "our fellow Jewish citizens" or "our Jewish brothers and sisters" to be nauseatingly hypocritical

... It is tempting to erase the memory rather than feel the shame of having failed to protest

There are also disturbing observations concerning Germans who did not get to that place.

... As late as November 1946, my friend asked me to commemorate with her the November 9, 1923 Hitler putsch … I responded no! they were criminals, all of them.

... In the 1980s, I overheard train conversations about "the good old days under Adolf"

[Mary Gail O'Dea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Moving book by a woman, now a professor of German and English lit at UC Santa Barbara, about her youth in Lower Silesia and her involvement in the Hitler Youth. Her own childhood was horribly disrupted by the war and by two relocations during and after the war. In the memoir, she faces the complicity of the German people in the atrocities that took place and she spent many years coming to terms with her own guilt and shame. Even now, however, she seems to have trouble being immediate in her descriptions. She talks ABOUT wrestling with guilt, anger at other Germans who remain(ed) in denial, but these pages do not have the same emotional immediacy of her descriptions of her own war years. Perhaps that is to be expected. At least she DOES wrestle and has produced an important cautionary tale and memoir.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gripping memoir about Nazi Germany from the perspective of young teenage German girl as she experiences brain-washing as a member of the Hitler youth, survives the brutal Russian occupation, is expelled from her home when the territory is reclaimed by Poland, and strives to get an education while living as a refugee. My one complaint is that Mahlendorf sometimes overly analyzes the psychology of her younger self but overall I would definitely recommend this for those who like history and memoirs.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though a bit disorganized at times & from time to time a little tedious to read, I still enjoyed the perspective this book lent. I have never seen the Nazi takeover from the perspective of a non-jew who not only did not fight against the Nazis, but played a part in the whole mess. She was a young child herself & only did as she was told. But she can't help but ask herself the question, "What if I had been an adult?"

[Frances Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just finished this book a few minutes ago...I know that's a little early for me to start a review. (I typically like to wait a little while and let the book's ideas settle in my mind first, but I'm worried I'll forget to do this later). It was a very interesting read, although I'll have to agree with my friend Ariana that it does wander a little bit. Rather than talk about the historical scene, though, it emphasizes on three things: her personal/family life, her emotional struggles (in the second half she's close to collapse), and her pursuit of knowledge and education. These are the main three subjects that came up in this autobiography although she had to give some historical information to put it into context. What I mean, in short, was that it seemed more about Ulla, rather than about Nazi Germany and Ulla, which is what I'd been expecting. However, I still was interested in observing the evolution of her personality as it went from child to member in Hitler Youth to nurse, refugee, teacher and so on, and the short and long term effects of Hitler Youth's indoctrination into her mind, which I believe was the core of this story - not the recollection of the Nazi world, but the impressions that such an institution can leave upon the mind forever.

[Olivia d'Aliberti · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think that the story and idea that Ms. Mahlendorf was trying to give readers was compelling and truthful. I really appreciated her very different perspective on the overly discussed Nazi crisis - a personal opinion, it seems to be the only thing we discuss in history class at times, and although it was truly dreadful, there are other parts of history I would like to know about. Moreover, her writing was dramatic, heart wrenching, yet realistic; however, her poor grammar and word choice occasionally make it difficult for me to focus on her story.

[Ann Riley · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was very interesting reading of the Nazi years from the "other side". Ursula was just a child when this era began and she grew up under this regime not knowing of the dark side until later. During and after the war she was in a survival mode as everyone else was but later she had emotions and feelings to work through at having survived and having been a part of the Nazi youth. Very well written.

[Alexa · Rating 4 out of 5]

While not as stereotypical a bringing up in the Hitler Youth would have been, as if it had been, say, a film composite of many people's experiences; important nonetheless for her experience as a refugee. I found the parts describing the immediate and long-term aftermath of the war and her university years to actually be more interesting than her childhood. I wish we had more memoirs like this.

[Katy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ursula Mahlendorf was my favorite German literature professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara, back in the 70's and now she has written a fascinating account of her childhood in Germany. She is able to revisit those times and examine her motivations and those of others. All Germans were not monsters, we have a lot we can learn from Ursula's personal story.

[Therese · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author gives a very open and detailed description of her childhood and adolescence in Nazi Germany. It is very well written and moving. I hope more people read it.

[Anne Sanow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the author's tone is academic, this is nevertheless a fascinating history with insider details about the indoctrination of Germany's youth under the Third Reich.

[Jamie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reviewing memoirs, especially memoirs focused on childhood, is tricky. Memoirs aren't really written to provide an interesting story to entertain the reader. I read memoirs from the WW2 era because I want to understand how and why such terrible things happened. I do not limit those 'terrible things' to Germany. I learned only the bare bones of WW2 and Holocaust history in high school but I've developed an interest in the WW2 era on my own and learned on my own. Very few people or entities came out of WW2 looking like angels. I like finding new (to me) memoirs so I can see another personal perspective. This memoir was very disappointing. I don't think I can trust much of it.

The author described her childhood and she honestly sounded like a very selfish and rather dull child. She claimed to read constantly and described a relationship with a teacher that laid the groundwork for her future passion for literature. How did she continue to be an unquestioning automaton in the Hitler youth after supposedly reading for herself and developing a bond with a teacher that tried to lead her in the right direction? She was 15 and still unquestionably loyal until the very end.

The real problem I have with this memoir is the aspects that are not here. The author's emotions and feelings do not seem genuine. She didn't have any feelings or emotions towards other people beyond what those people could do for her or what she gained by being around them. She mentioned a complete lack of empathy near the end of the book, but I didn't notice any empathy on her part at any point at all. Some of the dialogue seemed very contrived as well. A few people in her story were almost stereotypes. I know it was a terrible time and place to be a child and its entirely possible that the various negative aspects of her childhood account for everything that bothers me about this memoir.


There is one more issue that bugs me. The author at one point rationalizes her difficulty marching in step as a result of her dislike of conforming to groups and even 'minor authorities.' That was at the start of her Hitler Youth days and she spent most of her time in the group for girls as a very loyal, active participant. She also goes on to say that a dislike of joining groups became an innate characteristic. That comes off as a very heavy-handed moral lesson. "Danger lies in unquestioning conformity." What a profound insight- no one's ever thought of that before. I don't know if she really meant to convey such an obvious and awkwardly presented warning or if it just came off that way from my perspective as a reader. has permeated her life. I really didn't get much from this book. It didn't impart any new information on life in Nazi Germany. This was more of an autobiography than anything else.

[Bill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by one of mom's distant cousins. This cousin, my mother, and the author are all distantly related. They were all children in Nazi Germany and of the generation that was (required) to join the Bund Deutscher Mädel [BDM], the girls branch of the Hitler Youth. This is a very personal account of before, during, and after the war. Being an actual account it doesn't have the zingy storyline of a novel, but has the gritty account of a real life, warts and all. It covers life before the war, disappearance of Jewish and socialist neighbors, the indoctrination, the horror of the war and post-war period, and a lifetime dealing with the guilt and shame for oneself and one's country. And, a lifetime struggling with the past and pushing for equality and peace in reaction to her youth.

This is a book for anyone who is interested in the topic, and would be an excellent first hand resource for someone studying this period. It might fall flat for someone not particularly interested in this topic.

[07170 · Rating 5 out of 5]

really a fantastic read that i wish i had read years ago before my omi died. growing up with the effects of the trauma of wwii and the complexity of what it meant to be a displaced person in my family was so complicated. even now i struggle to come to terms with my own family’s relationship to expulsion and war, what things would have been like if they had been a few hundred miles west, if they had never been displaced. this book also introduced me to a lot of propaganda that displaced germans carried with them into east and west germany about their expulsion, the war, and russian occupation and invasion. the fine line between the real violence civilians faced during expulsion and the propaganda that exploded from those experiences is insane. i think this will be a book i reccomend to my family as soon as i talk to them again.

[Marilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir illuminated the German experience of WWII from the view of a girl from her pre-teen to mid-teen years. It was disturbing and fascinating to hear how Hitler used propaganda to great success among the youth (and to older folks too), and how a bright young girl was sucked in despite the Nazi misogyny that she recognized later. The government repression was intense, and fear of retribution was high. As a girl, Ursula did not connect the dots regarding the atrocities occurring, but realized not much later that many adults probably did and either out of fear or conviction remained silent. I found her point of view distinctive and compelling. Even though the title mentions "working through", the book is not a psychoanalytic piece, but rather a thoughtful memoir.

[Allison Berman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not my favorite read but can appreciate the authors approach to the book even though it wasn’t my favorite. I admire her self awareness and ability to reflect on traumatic experiences in such a way that they don’t only paint her as a victim. Very eye-opening and learned a lot about the history that I didn’t know.

[Stephanie Schroeder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting to read from the viewpoint of someone who was indoctrinated by Hitler's organization. Starting as a youth, disillusioned by the economy and life choices. Eventually learning about the atrocities and the struggles after that.

[Relstuart · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated this didn't end at the end of the war like books like this often do. In fact, I appreciated the latter part of the book as the author entered her teen and adult years more than the first few chapters as the author speaks about her young life.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a compelling and interesting story about growing up in Nazi Germany. I did not find the writing to convey the emotions she described, although it is believable that she insulated herself from the experiences she was describing.

[Isabel Hogue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoughtful, but not self-justifying, reflections on an adolescence spent in eastern Germany during the Hitler years.

[Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly amazing narrative. Ursula Mahlendorf's honest and unflinching portrayal of her early years will stay with me for a long time.

[Jeffrey Leonards · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good first-person account.

[Alexa Malone · Rating 5 out of 5]

probably the best book i’ve read for a class, very interesting point of view!!

[William · Rating 3 out of 5]

Deeply reflective and extremely detailed. Is it truly a feat of recollection or reconstruction? Perhaps both, but still recommended for those interested in narratives of those who grew up in the Third Reich.