Not Remembered Never Forgotten

by Robert Allan Hafetz

“I am Robert, but once I had another name. As an infant I was held and loved by two women, one who would give me up, and another who raised me and loved me more than life itself. I suppose I should consider myself blessed to have been loved by two mothers when most of us get only one, and some none.” Who am I, where did I come from? Why do I feel lost, incomplete, and isolated? These questions haunted my for my entire life growing stronger as time passed by. I finally chose to find my answers and this is my story. It’s about my methodology, how it changed me, and who I became at its final destination. Not Remembered Never Forgotten is an examination of the resolution of an adoptee’s emotional memories and the search for the authentic self. Not knowing his name at birth, and barred by archaic secrecy laws that seal adoption records forever, the author searched back through fifty years of his past to find the truth that would redefine the essence of who he is.

134 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

Reviews

[Sylvia Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

read it in one sitting- not a long book but an intense one. It was interesting for me to compare the suffering and struggle with identity for an adoptee who had been brought up in stable and loving home with my own when I was brought up by my own birth parents and clearly hated/ unwanted / rejected and abused for my whole life, until I walked away. When my own parents died I felt nothing but relief - they could never hurt me again. I was in my mid fifties but also mid complete breakdown with PTSD from the abuse being released finally from buried memory and deep shame and terror into conscious mind. I am not sure the two experiences bear much in common except the sense of not belonging, but with very different levels and ramifications into adult life. I am now happily married myself but life will always be a struggle because of that deep structural terror that I grew up with and has become part of my physiology. And yet I am glad of it all - the whole story has shown my life understanding I could never have reached any other way.

[Drebbles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Robert Hafetz was adopted as a baby and while he was raised by a loving family, he felt there was something missing in his life and longed to find his birth mother. His adopted mother didn’t like to talk about his birth mother so he was left with a lot of unanswered questions. It wasn’t until after both his parents were dead that he tried to find his birth mother.

“Not Remembered Never Forgotten” is Robert Hafetz’s sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes heartwarming story of his search for his birth mother. The book is written in “real time” as Hafetz search for clues about his mother, which is a nice touch since readers go on the same journey as Hafetz does and share in his joys and disappointments. His book is a good look at the adoption system – what made his mother give him up for adoption; what happened when she did so; and how hard it was for him to find out the truth about his past. In many ways it is amazing that he was able to find out as much as he did, given what little he had to work with. The different methods he used to find his mother (including using a psychic) are fascinating to read about. Because this is real life, his story takes many twists and turns and his journey isn’t always a happy one and he doesn’t necessarily get all the answers he wants. Hafetz is clearly not happy with the adoption system and this book is indeed an eye-opener about that system. While this book was about his journey to find his birth mother, I was left wanting to know more about Hafetz as a person – his life with his adopted family and his current life with his wife and children.

“Not Remembered Never Forgotten” is an insightful look at adoption and what it’s like to live your life not knowing who you are or where you came from.

[Darlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Back to One’s Roots

Not Remembered, Never Forgotten is a poignant story of Robert Hafetz and his quest to find the mother that had given him up for adoption over fifty years before.

Many adoptees live their lives with the question: Why did my mother give me up? It doesn’t seem to matter whether or not the home they grew up in was loving and caring. The question is still there and every adoptee asks it at some point in their lives.

Many adoptees decide to find out more about their birth mothers and fathers. Many others decide not to. But for those who do, their quest is more than just for a human being. It is a quest to know about one’s roots. For some reason, thousands of adoptees feel there’s something missing from their lives that no amount of money can take away.

That inexplicable bond that occurs between a mother and the child she gives birth to echoes through both mother and child, no matter the circumstances between the pregnancy, birth and adoption. Many mothers and children feel something missing their entire lives and spend their entire lives with a memory they can’t reconcile.

This is the journey Robert Hafetz took. Not Remembered Never Forgotten allows us into Robert’s search for his mother and birth family, what he finds when he gets there and the relationships that he establishes on the way. He discovers a family he never knew, siblings he never had, and a connection between his birth mother and wife that is simply uncanny.

Enjoy this journey with Robert.

[Christy Trever · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not Remembered, Never Forgotten by Robert Hafetz is an insightful look at the wounds of an adoptee. Hafetz knew from early childhood that he was adopted, and while he always fostered an interest in the identity of his biological parents, he didn't want to hurt his mother by pursuing the search, so he waited until she has passed away. Finally at the age of 51, Hafetz set out to discover who he was and why he had been given up for adoption. He follows the story of his investigation through adoption agencies, forums, and even a psychic, but where the book really shines is in his portrayal of the feelings of an adopted child. He poses a fascinating theory that all babies recognize their mothers at birth because of their nine months together, so when a baby is then adopted, they keenly feel the loss, although it's one they can never put into words. Hafetz eventually discovers the truth about his birth mother, including the fact that she visited him regularly during the first five months of his life while he was in foster care, leading him to believe that while she is not remembered, neither will she ever be forgotten by the son who knew he was cherished. Hafetz is still searching for his biological father and offers information in the book in hopes that a reader may connect him. The book is a powerful reminder of the connection that mothers have with their unborn children, and about the necessity of changing laws to allow adoptees more access to their records once they reach adulthood.

[Kathleen Garber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a true story, not too long at only about 130 pages. I enjoyed reading it though. The idea behind the title is that although he doesn’t remember his birth parents, he’s never forgotten them. I think it’s quite a poignant title.

A quote from the introduction about why he wrote the book:
“One pictures the smiling baby held by his adopted mother, hugged, nurtured, cherished and kept safe from harm. My adopted family loved me as their own. I coudln’t have asked for better parents. What more could a human being ever want? Their love and affection sustains me, and gives me what I need to grow and survive but it doesn’t replace what has been lost. I want what others have; a name given at birth, a heritage, and a memory of my mother’s face. “ – pg. 8

I’ve read quite a few adoption books, from all different points of view (the adopter, the adoptee, the birth parents) but this is the first one that really made it clear why an adoptee may not be content with not knowing his or her birth parents, no matter how much he or she loves the adopted parents.

[Michael Thomas Angelo]

I read about this book in a PACER newsletter and hope to become acquainted with the author.