How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too!

by Sal Severe

Dr. Sal Severe established himself as a leading childcare and parenting expert with his phenomenally successful How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! Now he focuses on raising children between the ages of three and six. Based on Dr. Severe’s philosophy that children’s behavior often reflects that of their parents, this book teaches readers how to better handle a host of issues, from fussing at bedtime and temper tantrums to toilet training and sibling rivalry. Instead of focusing on what children do wrong, Severe teaches parents what they can do right by emphasizing the positive, being consistent, and being more patient. Filled with checklists, an extensive resource guide to books that parents can read with their preschoolers, and plenty of inspiration, this goldmine of helpful advice is certain to become a bible for stressed-out parents everywhere.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Adult, Psychology, Education, Reference

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

Reviews

[Phoebe]

This is a pretty straightforward guide to the positive-reinforcement parenting style. It's easy to read and full of usable suggestions (though mysteriously Jesus-oriented). I will probably give it another look once my fetus reaches toddlerhood.

I'm undecided about the positive-reinforcement style explained in this book. On one hand, it's clearly better than screaming and punishing. I love that Severe emphasizes, over and over, that parents should model love, respect and calm. On the other hand, even if Severe claims that you are helping your child build an inner compass, I think it's inherently problematic to use charts and stickers for issues like sharing or not hitting. In life, you don't get a material reward for not hitting -- stickers might buy temporary compliance, but aren't teaching the deeper principle. Those tools are more appropriate for something like cleaning your room (which even grown-ups only do because they have to).

I also took issue with Severe's definition of desirable behaviors. He kept talking about making charts for the behavior "listening", which I didn't really understand until he gave an example interchange something like this:

Mom: It's time to clean up your toys now.
Son: No, I'm still playing.
Mom: You're not listening. I trust you to make a better choice.

So listening = doing exactly what your parents say whenever they say it. Not only is that not what listening is (the kid obviously heard his mom and responded to her), but Severe never questions whether parents are setting reasonable limits. Sure, your kids should do what you say. But are parents always right, or do they sometimes exert more control than necessary?

[Liliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the beginning I thought this was your average how to book, but as I read Dr. Sal Severe’s profound words on how to care for children in order to teach them how to behave, I started to sense a difference in how I talked to my students, how I taught them new things, and especially how to deal with situations where they simply do not want to work with you. It was eye opening, sincere, and put so simply I just kept thinking to myself, “This is doable; I can see myself following these words of wisdom and succeeding in my classroom and outside of it.” But actions speak louder than words! You need to apply yourself, and be strict on making these changes. We are the adults, and they are the children; if they win, it is because we are LETTING THEM WIN.

Patience, communication, and above all CONSISTENCY will help in getting these children’s development soaring as they grow older. Birth to five years of age is an imperative time to teach children good values, manners, and confidence. I believe this book has all the information needed in order to make this possible. Make the charts, follow through with the rewards, and most importantly follow through when disciplining. Giving in to tantrums will work for the time being, but will set us up for failure in the long run. Put in the work, because it is worth it. Your child is worth it.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a decent book, with some good principles. But, at the end of the day I felt like it was way more common sense (don't yell at your kids, be consistent, tell your preschooler to use their words...) than it was really practical solutions. Even the places that proposed to be practical didn't go into great detail. For example, the section on what to do if you have a time-out protester was only a couple of paragraphs, yet the chapter on time-outs was the longest in the book.

That said, there were some great sections. The section that helped to diagnose why the child is behaving a certain way and solving each of those problems a little differently was good. I also liked the parts that clearly explained the mind of a young child and why giving in even once can result in a setback.

Probably the two most helpful parts were: 1) the suggestion that you should work on one or two problem behaviors and get those going before starting on something else - it's always better to go too slowly than too quickly and 2) keeping a chart for yourself to count the number of time-outs and how they went and watch it over the course of a few weeks to decide if you are making progress (even slowly) or if you need to adjust expectations/solutions.

I'd probably give it 3.5 instead of 3 stars.

[Pamela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am ambivalent about this book. On the one hand, I appreciate the common sense, loving principles this method is based on. On the other hand, I disagreed with several of the more specific examples that were meant to highlight these principles.

Even though the author claims not to approve of labeling children, he uses labeling all the time in his examples. ("You are a polite child." "You are a quiet child," etc.) Saddling a child with the "Quiet one" label is still restrictive and dictates who YOU think they OUGHT to be, not who they really are.

Also, another reviewer mentioned the constant discussion about how children need to learn to "be a good listener," which essentially just means, "do everything I tell you when I tell you to do it." I am pretty sure most preschoolers can listen very carefully, understand every word of a request and still choose not to follow it. There has to be a better way to address that than insulting the child's intelligence by suggesting that she was not listening.

I'll keep this one on the back burner, but its influence on my parenting style may be minimal.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

So far, this has helped me understand better what on earth is going on in my 4-year old's head. Honestly, this is like taking a moment during the day to refresh, it's so motivating. After reading a chapter or two, I can face my boys with a more controlled and understanding attitude. It's been eye-opening.

[Erin Matson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a helpful, straightforward guide that gave me several ideas to improve my parenting style.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of great information, tips and practices to implement. Easy to follow chapters and sections, so you can find exactly what you need and skip what you don’t.

[Missy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is helpful and funny! "A surefire way to send a room full of preschoolers into hysterics, is to say the word 'poopyface'. It will hurl them to the floor with laughter." In addition potty talk, lying, and whining, this book addressed the basics of discipline as teaching. Why is my child driving me crazy? What can I do to make it stop? Dr. Severe feels sad for the parents who haven't figured out how fun preschoolers can be because they haven't figured out the tools to eliminate the annoying behaviors.

Everyone knows the best way to improve behavior is to emphasize the positive. This book actually shows how in specific, helpful examples.

With Dr. Severe's guidance, I chose two behaviors I wanted Q to improve: hitting brother and not obeying the first time. I turned them into two positives: being kind to brother and obeying the first time. Then I made a reward chart by drawing pictures of these two behaviors and told Q how great he is at these things and drew 10 stars next to each one and explained that when I saw him doing these things he could color in a star. When ten stars were colored, he could earn a reward, which I also drew a picture of (make a treat with mom, go to park).

It worked like a charm and now we have moved onto putting on socks/shoes/coat right when I ask, and using a tissue.

[Rachelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I quite liked this book. It is written in such a way that each chapter can be read separately... so you don't have to read the whole book to get the message... you can read it on an as needed basis. The biggest thing that I got from it was a desire to focus more on positive parenting. Punishment should be rarely used and if you use something like say time-out many times a day... it is simply not working. He teaches how to use more positive techniques and punishment only in rare occassions. There was a lot more in this book and I think each reader would take something different. I liked it a lot and could see myself buying this book someday.

[Elyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was extremeley helpful at a time when I needed it! The author effectively explains the inner workings of 3-6 year olds and I found this insightful. I also learned new strategies to modify and positively influence my three year old's behavior. I tried some of the methods right away and I am starting to see some results. I plan to implement techniques like sticker charts in the near future. I recommend this for other parents who are feeling challenged by their preschooler. Thanks to Robin, my Goodreads friend and fellow mom, for recommending this.

[Tamar · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for every parent of little ones, or parent to be. Loving, intelligent, logical, reality based, positive discipline strategies. Beautifully done. Most importantly, it works, and everyone's dignity is still intact.

[Jarmo Larsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Da var det på tide å lese litt om barneoppdragelse igjen og få frisket opp viktige sider ved den. Denne boken var til god hjelp. Selvom forfatteren ikke referer noe særlig til forskning eller har noen litteraturliste bak i boken så er det mye logikk og god forskning bak som jeg kan kjenne igjen fra andre mer solide verk. Han påpeker bl.a. viktigheten av å være konsekvent, og hvis man ikke er det så gjør det bare ting verre når det kommer til forholdet til ditt barn. Boken legger også vekt på det å ikke irettesette eller snakke i sinne til barnet. Ifølge forfatteren vil dette i mange tilfeller være en seier for barnet som kanskje har som mål å få deg til å reagere med sinne. Jeg synes forfatteren kanskje er litt for ensidig på dette området. Jeg tenker ikke at det alltid er et barns mål å få deg sint og dermed oppleve en seiersrus. Det er mange ganger sinne gjør barnet redd og usikker på hvor han har deg. På dette området kunne Sal Severe vært mer nyansert, selvom det han sier stemmer til en viss grad.

Boken fokuserer også på det å legge vekt på det positive hos barnet og ikke bare reagere når barnet gjør noe negativt. La barnets opplevelse av deg for det meste være av den positive sorten. Forfatteren er også en tilhenger av tenkeboksen, en slags time-out, som sikkert noen pedagoger der ute er en motstander av. Men Severe forklarer hvordan dette kan brukes på en god og sunn måte og hvordan det fremmer god oppførsel hos barna. Han påpeker også fallgruvene og når en slik metode ikke fungerer.

Videre så er forfatteren innom belønningsystemer, som også er noe kontroversielt i de pedagogiske miljøer, men ifølge Severe et nyttig redskap for at barnet skal kunne samarbeide. Dette er bare noen punkter han tar opp, men han fokuserer også mye på oppdragelsen av oss selv som foreldre. Hvis ikke vi klarer å oppføre oss riktig så kan vi ikke forvente det av barna heller. Han kommer med flere oppdragelsestips til oss som oppdragere av oss selv.
Boken fokuserer noe på ulempene ved sinne og det å reagere i sinne, hva det gjør med oss, men jeg også anbefale en bok jeg leste parallelt med denne "How to be a Calm Parent", som går enda mer i dybden på akkurat dette området.

Selvom Severes bok er av den noe eldre sorten, så tenker jeg den er like aktuell for moderne foreldre som den var for foreldre i begynnelsen av år 2000.

[Yvonne O'Connor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Common Sense in example format

I did feel much of this was common sense, but the organisation of the book was fantastic and the examples were very helpful.

[Dakota · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good information but very repetitive.

[Nandhy Poetri · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 exactly.

[Kylie Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every parent and teacher of a preschooler should read this book.

[Whitney Beiler Dalton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't really feel like I learned much. It's a very common sense approach and pretty straightforward delivery.

[Jessie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a Positive Discipline book.

First off, I love the concept in the title of this book. Children learn from us, they copy our behaviors and our attitude. If we yell at them, they will learn to yell. I love that the author addresses the parents, and the parents' behavior, as a way to get better behavior out of our kids.

I enjoy how he explains one example after another where, on the surface it may seem like your child is intentionally being disobedient or not listening or misbehaving - but then he explains developmentally why they are doing that behavior, and why it makes sense. It helps see into the intent of the child instead of looking at their behavior through adult eyes. So that's great. Just because the kid isn't misbehaving, that doesn't mean you let them do whatever they want with no teaching, and this author is good with ideas of how to teach your child, clear from when they are 1 year old and whining or crying instead of making an effort to communicate. His techniques fit into my philosophy of respectful parenting.

The book has a big chapter on "Time Outs" - but not for children under the age of 3. He also believes that they're a last resort, not a first reaction, and the way he talks about time-outs sure isn't the way I've seen other parents do them (it's a much nicer way, although we don't do timeouts, I don't think I'd have a problem with his way) He also says if you're not a fan of timeouts, don't do them.

There are a few other minor things I do not like in the book. Using "big boy/big girl" as a way of manipulating your child to behave the way you want. I disliked all of the TV references sprinkled throughout the book. For example, TV was listed as an option of after-school activities to help your kid calm and destress from their day. Here I just think the author must not know how overstimulating TV is for kids. His other options on the list I thought were all great, but... TV!? I didn't count, but it was mentioned at least 4 times throughout the book, as a normal activity. I didn't like what the author had to say about positive reinforcement or using food as rewards, but those were tiny bits of the book.

There was one example, he talks about how a preschool girl goes out to eat at a restaurant with her family. She's on great behavior through the entire meal, but barely touches her food. Her parents remind her that if she doesn't eat her dinner, she can't have dessert (I disagree with that concept, but whatever). Then her parents get ice cream cones and eat them in front of her. Seriously!? I totally understand following through with your warning - don't tell your kid they can't have something and then cave. But what parents would really eat ice cream in front of their preschooler??? Couldn't they have just, you know, decided not to have dessert themselves until after she was in bed that night or something?

Personally, I prefer Gentle Discipline over Positive Discipline, but this book does have many GD techniques within it, and overall I'd recommend it. I'd especially recommend it to parents who are yelling at their kids, spanking their kids, or otherwise frequently doling out punishments when you'd rather not. There's a more effective way to be a parent and have well-behaved children, and this book will help.

If you're already into gentle discipline, this book may not have much new material for you.

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was an incredibly helpful book for me in dealing with my preschooler. it's not perfect, and i don't agree with 100% of its content, but still very helpful. some of Severe's biggest ideas are positive reinforcement, redirecting, modeling, and consistency. you can apply those principles to almost any behavior/situation. that doesn't mean they're easy fixes, but these principles can certainly help.

the book is wide in scope, so while it may not go into as much detail on a subject as you'd like, it discusses most preschooler problems and provides suggestions for resolving them. if you want to know more about a particular subject, you can always read a book devoted only to that subject.

many reviewers have complained that "How to Behave..." is chock-full of common sense advice, and it is. but that doesn't mean it's bad advice. i found it informative and thoughtful, and i'd highly recommend to parents of 3-6 year-olds.

[Carrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book gets 3.5 stars for me. I wish Goodreads gave you the option to do half stars. :)The author was very encouraging, (recognizing that nothing works 100% of the time, and parents make mistakes even with good intentions). Most of the material wasn't very new to me, but great reminders none the less. The section on time-out I really liked. I have always done the "Super Nanny" method of time out. This author has a slightly different approach and I liked it. I can see how, for me, a merger of the two styles would really work out well.

This book is meant to be read out of order if wanted and not even in it's entirety if you didn't want. I read most of it, but did skip a few of the sections I was not interested in.

[Rhonda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book started my downward slide with Dana... it's an incredible book by a child psychologist/mother identifying tricks to steer your child's behavior away from "me me me" to well rounded and polite. I told Dana that it was neat that many of the things the author recommended were things that I'd seen her do (it was true at the time). She interpreted that to mean that I was accusing her of being a bad parent and didn't want anything to do with it. My philosophy is that the more you read to educate yourself the more adaptable you are to curveballs thrown at you by life. Hers appears to be she prefers to live within her comfort zone and ignore opportunities to learn anything else.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Made me more aware of how my own behavior affects that of my kids. I think I knew this but it helps to be reminded. Helped me focus on phrasing things positively ("use your words" instead of "stop whining" or "no hitting.")I also like the examples of exactly what to say in certain situations. I think the biggest take-home message for me was to use positive reinforcement more often and be consistent in noticing when the kids are playing well, sharing, listening, etc. and frequently praising them for that. How often have I heard it - "catch them being good" - but it takes practice to do it well and consistently.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Main points I found helpful:
-Always be consistent...mean what you say and follow it up with action.
-Rather than punishment, try modeling correct behavior or guiding child to do the correct thing. Once they see what the correct thing is, give them the choice to make the right decision to do the right thing (and verbalize that it is their choice). If they choose to misbehave, then it's time for a consequence.
-Work with your child's personality type. Jackson is naturally active by nature. Instead of punishing his instinct to run around like a wild animal, channel it to something constructive whenever possible.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of very basic common sense reiteration, that seems necessary from time to time as a mother of three (the third being a VERY strong-willed little guy)! This book gives many great reminders on values and offers up examples that every parent can relate to. it's clear that the author does not have a personal agenda to force upon his literary audience, which is refreshing. I find myself referring back to it often and have utilised a few of the suggestions already....which are working marvellously!

[Becca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not a fun read. It is a slog-- one of those parenting books that makes everything seem difficult, technical, laborious. Not Fun.

That's a shame because-- really-- there's some fine information presented. But the style is so heavy handed that it feels like a visit to the principal's office.

There is a good section on anger management, another good section on knowing your preschooler-- but beyond that I'm just left with a dusty stressed impression. Ugh, read something inspiring AND useful, like "Simplicity Parenting" instead!

[Shauna · Rating 4 out of 5]

obviously, i am seeking a little parenting guidance.this book really gives the low-down on the whole toddler experience, and how to handle those "oh, so pleasant" parts of toddler hood that tend to drive you to the brink of a nervous breakdown.for me, any book that provides a structured step-by-step plan that makes sense and isn't to complicated to follow deserves some high praise. this is a good read for struggling parents looking for good answers.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

As my friend has said, there aren't many new ideas in this book. I do, however, like how the author presents his ideas. To start with each chapter is fairly self contained so you can kind of jump to the chapters that most apply to you and your situations. Each idea is presented with appearantly real-life situations (including his own experiences) which helps you to know how to apply them. And he clearly states that not everything works for everyone.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was really helpful to me as a mom with little kids. This book is designed to help you learn how to interact better with 3-6 year olds. He gives lots of positive strategies to use - both on yourself and on your children - to improve behavior. There are lots of suggested activities and rewards and sample charts that make it really easy to get started. When I remember to use Severe's suggested techniques, our home really is a lot more peaceful. It's amazing.

[Christinekimball · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book had a lot of good ideas in it. There was so much information though that I had a hard time remembering what I was supposed to be doing to be a better parent. I really liked that there were ideas of things that I could change about myself instead of just assuming that it was all my kids fault.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had a few good ideas, and the authors were very encouraging (recognizing that nothing works 100% of the time, and parents make mistakes even with good intentions, and it's okay). But most of the material wasn't very new to me. The section on time-out has some concrete ideas for time-out that were helpful.