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Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, Revised Edition: Relationship Repair in a Flash
The most crucial relationship advice book since Men Are from Mars." - Erin Meanley, Glamour.com
A groundbreaking, interactive relationship tool that literally places in the hands of couples the power to transform chronically frustrating relationship dynamics.
We've all been there. A conversation with a loved one escalates into conflict. Voices rise to a fever pitch and angry, accusative words fly through the air. At times like these, it seems impossible to find the magic words that will lead to healing. Enter Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love.
A psychotherapist with decades of experience in counseling couples, Nancy Dreyfus hit upon the revolutionary practice outlined in this book during a couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was causing him to become emotionally withdrawn. In the midst of this, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love" and gestured to the husband that he should hold it up. He did and within seconds the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged. Dreyfus was startled, then intrigued, and then motivated to create a tool that could help others.
This elegantly packaged spiral-bound book features more than one hundred of Dreyfus's "flash cards for real life"-written statements that express what we wish we could communicate to the person we love, but either can't find the right words or the right tone in which to say it. The statements include:
*Taking responsibility: "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"
*Apologizing: "I know I've really hurt you. What can I do to help you trust me again?"
*Loving: "You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."
A one-of-a-kind, practical relationship tool, Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love will help couples to stop arguing and begin healing.
A groundbreaking, interactive relationship tool that literally places in the hands of couples the power to transform chronically frustrating relationship dynamics.
We've all been there. A conversation with a loved one escalates into conflict. Voices rise to a fever pitch and angry, accusative words fly through the air. At times like these, it seems impossible to find the magic words that will lead to healing. Enter Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love.
A psychotherapist with decades of experience in counseling couples, Nancy Dreyfus hit upon the revolutionary practice outlined in this book during a couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was causing him to become emotionally withdrawn. In the midst of this, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love" and gestured to the husband that he should hold it up. He did and within seconds the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged. Dreyfus was startled, then intrigued, and then motivated to create a tool that could help others.
This elegantly packaged spiral-bound book features more than one hundred of Dreyfus's "flash cards for real life"-written statements that express what we wish we could communicate to the person we love, but either can't find the right words or the right tone in which to say it. The statements include:
*Taking responsibility: "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"
*Apologizing: "I know I've really hurt you. What can I do to help you trust me again?"
*Loving: "You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."
A one-of-a-kind, practical relationship tool, Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love will help couples to stop arguing and begin healing.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published March 1, 1994
321 people are currently reading
1603 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
November 3, 2022
This is more a resource than something to read from cover to cover. Many helpful ways to approach tricky conversations with compassion and kindness. It's meant for couples, but some of these techniques easily translate to all relationships. I have already used a few, and they work
June 16, 2010
I was excited to read it but again it took me a while to get to it, not sure why... anyway. My husband and I communicate very well so I thought this book was going to be a breeze which it was for the most part but there were a few surprises. I think the biggest thing I learned from this book is you can never stop trying to improve your relationship. Just like life in general the moment you become complacent is the moment you or your relationship begins to deteriorate. In life it's your memory, your reaction time or your flexibility in a relationship it's trust, loving physical touch and meaningful communication. Either way it is each of our job's to seek out new and better ways to live, to get out there learn new skills and create experiences that keep our minds, bodies and spirits engaged. If anyone expects to have what can be considered a good and lasting relationship you must stay engaged in that relationship.
With that said it is naive to ever think that you don't need to read relationship books because "my relationship is fine." Talk to me Like I'm Someone you Love is basically a book of flash cards. One liners, if you will to keep the lines of communication open between you and your partner, Each card helps to put into words the feelings you want to convey but for some reason just can't get across to your partner. Each card is accompanied by a page or so of explanation as to when and why each card might be used. As it turns out I didn't find a lot that my husband and I need to work on but I this book did give me a whole list of new phrases to work into conversation that will help to get my point across without making my husband feel belittled or that I don't love him. Even though while in the heat of an argument it may feel like your partner doesn't love you the truth is that they do and it is important to let them know that without having to forfeit your opinions. this book gives a lot of great ideas on how to do just that.
With that said it is naive to ever think that you don't need to read relationship books because "my relationship is fine." Talk to me Like I'm Someone you Love is basically a book of flash cards. One liners, if you will to keep the lines of communication open between you and your partner, Each card helps to put into words the feelings you want to convey but for some reason just can't get across to your partner. Each card is accompanied by a page or so of explanation as to when and why each card might be used. As it turns out I didn't find a lot that my husband and I need to work on but I this book did give me a whole list of new phrases to work into conversation that will help to get my point across without making my husband feel belittled or that I don't love him. Even though while in the heat of an argument it may feel like your partner doesn't love you the truth is that they do and it is important to let them know that without having to forfeit your opinions. this book gives a lot of great ideas on how to do just that.
February 3, 2023
Compassionate communicate very important to me. Unfortunately many, including myself and others close to me, tend to emotionally abuse the ones we love most. With a tendency to feel safe around our loved ones, we can tend to drop our filter and just react. I listened to this book on audio and plan to purchase so I can use the book as intended- as a reference book to use as “flash cards” for when I’m overwhelmed and not sure how to work through it in a healthy and loving way. And to request the same loving kindness in return.
I have given 4 stars instead of 5 because of the seemingly casual use of the word “crazy”. I feel sensitive to the word because of my relationships with people who truly have mental illness. Having moments of what the author describes as “crazy”- is this truly crazy? Maybe it is. A moment. I do believe we all have our own level of mental difficulties, if not illness or trauma. It is not meant to diminish what individuals with mental illness go through. It is important to acknowledge these moments but maybe a more descriptive word would be good such as: “defensive” or “overstimulated”, “reactive”, “overwhelmed”, and “not cognitively functioning well”, and more. Just a thought. I’d be interested to know what others thought of this- or didn’t.
I have given 4 stars instead of 5 because of the seemingly casual use of the word “crazy”. I feel sensitive to the word because of my relationships with people who truly have mental illness. Having moments of what the author describes as “crazy”- is this truly crazy? Maybe it is. A moment. I do believe we all have our own level of mental difficulties, if not illness or trauma. It is not meant to diminish what individuals with mental illness go through. It is important to acknowledge these moments but maybe a more descriptive word would be good such as: “defensive” or “overstimulated”, “reactive”, “overwhelmed”, and “not cognitively functioning well”, and more. Just a thought. I’d be interested to know what others thought of this- or didn’t.
November 1, 2020
I appreciate that this book was extremely actionable and specific in its advice. Essentially this was a collection of ~130 “flash cards” with word-by-word phrases you can tell your partner in certain situations (e.g. to apologize, to make up, to ask for clarification) to foster good communication.
However, I think at the end of the day there was simply too many flash cards to make this useful or memorable. I think this book would have been better if it covered a handful of general communication concepts that could be leveraged during any type of conversation/argument. It’s not practical to run to this book every time you need words to say (or memorize hundreds of specific sentences).
It also bothered me how much this author seemed to conform to traditional gender roles (despite claiming to want to do otherwise).
However, I think at the end of the day there was simply too many flash cards to make this useful or memorable. I think this book would have been better if it covered a handful of general communication concepts that could be leveraged during any type of conversation/argument. It’s not practical to run to this book every time you need words to say (or memorize hundreds of specific sentences).
It also bothered me how much this author seemed to conform to traditional gender roles (despite claiming to want to do otherwise).
April 12, 2013
2.5 stars. The "flashcards" are well thought out and succinct, but the field notes can be a bit wordy and full of too many stories. I also don't like how this is bound. . .it is no longer actual flashcards but just regular pages. As someone who clearly doesn't think before she talks, I could benefit from slowing down and using a "card" or two. So, I marked the ones most appropriate for me and will put them on actual flashcards to keep in my purse.
November 2, 2024
Audio
This is a cool idea
This is a cool idea
February 16, 2023
Improve your relationship dynamics.
Have you ever been in the middle of a confrontation with your partner and realized that you weren’t getting anywhere? Chances are, you were using the wrong words. Maybe your language wasn’t accurately directing the conversation toward a resolution; maybe you weren’t open to understanding one another’s arguments; maybe you were criticizing and refusing to listen to each other.
Words have an impact, and communication is essential in keeping a relationship intact. If there’s no communication, there’s no relationship. But changing the energy between the two of you from unfriendly to friendly can make all the difference. This book will show you how.
---
Acknowledging a change in direction is a powerful intervention.
It’s okay – and even critical – to recognize that your interaction isn’t going well and that you need to change your approach in order to better understand one another. This helps boost your inner awareness of the situation and how you’re feeling.
It’s a powerful intervention that requires you to be straightforward with your partner.
Some useful ways to do this are to first acknowledge how you – as the initiator of the conversation – are feeling and to acknowledge how your partner is feeling. Then try following this emotional validation with a question. For example:
Can we start again?
Can you repeat what you’re saying but in a calmer tone so I can feel safer with you?
Can we take a minute to start over and really listen to what each other is saying?
Changing direction and validating each other’s feelings can transform a conversation and establish trust. It presents the desire to want to repair things and the willingness to listen to your partner.
Sometimes, we’re so focused on being heard that we forget that our partner has the right to be heard as well. And sometimes, we only hear what we want to hear – but that’s not effective listening.
So, let each other feel received. Offering this kind of vulnerability allows your partner to truly see you.
---
Validate each other’s feelings.
While we already discussed a little about the importance of validating feelings in the last section, let’s explore it more in-depth here.
When you’re in the midst of an argument with your partner, the two of you are passionate about being heard and likely with proving yourself right. What’s important is to level the playing field by respectfully asking to be heard and assuring that your partner will be heard too.
If your partner is refusing to be communicative, tell them why that hurts you. Tell them it makes you feel unwanted by them; that you aren’t important to them. Try something like this:
When you refuse to communicate with me, it feels like I am nothing to you. Can you please talk to me and let me relate to you?
A lot of conversations and arguments between partners struggle to reach the actual issue at hand because they’re so often lost in the criticism of one another. We’re often so conditioned to criticism in life that it’s hard to find a way past it. It’s often a go-to resort in arguments. But insults aren’t going to get you anywhere.
So, tell your partner you want to be talked to like you are someone they love. Tell them you feel invisible. Acknowledge how they may even be feeling – angry, nagged, sad – but why you want the conversation to continue.
It’s okay to be vulnerable. Be open. Ask to be heard. Allow your partner to be heard. Get clarification where you need it and don’t be afraid to apologize when you’re in the wrong.
Your relationship will fail if you don’t open up to each other. Try writing your words down on a notecard or a piece of paper and showing them to your partner. Seeing them visually instead of being heard can be a profound interaction.
---
Take responsibility.
Absolutely do not be afraid to apologize and admit when you were in the wrong. In fact, your partner will likely value you more if you take responsibility for something you did or said. It’s simple awareness.
Taking responsibility is an influential part of healing relationship dynamics.
Maybe your behavior was erratic. Maybe you overreacted to something that happened or something that was said. Maybe you put up an intentional blind spot and just refused to listen to what your partner had to say.
Admitting these kinds of things will build trust with your partner. It happens to all of us – you don’t have to feel embarrassed.
It’s normal to hold things in because you feel like you’re protecting yourself and don’t want to get hurt. Maybe you feel entitled to feel or speak a certain way. Maybe you feel that if you admitted that you did something wrong, you’d be belittled.
Try using sentences like these to express how you feel:
I recognize that I really hurt you.
How can I make this up to you?
I understand that my behavior has been really destructive.
Admit that your behavior was unnecessary and why your partner didn’t deserve to be the recipient of that behavior. Acknowledge that you hurt them and that it wasn’t your intention.
---
Work on your communication.
Making up is a powerful thing and it feels good when you’re finally able to come to that resolution.
But it can’t just be making up with one another, there has to be forgiveness. It must be mood-changing, lower the defenses, and allow everyone to relax properly. Importantly, it brings two disconnected beings back together.
Here are just a few examples of what to say or show to your partner when you’re ready to let go and make up:
I see how upset you are and it makes me feel truly terrible.
Can we just take a moment to stop and hold each other?
I want to give you a hug.
Messages like these offer a direct request to move forward. They also acknowledge that what matters most important to you – the sender of the message – is how your partner is feeling and not anything else. It allows you both to see that neither of you has disappeared and you’re capable of healing the hostility.
---
Tone and word choice can severely impact a conversation or argument with your significant other. The way you exhibit your emotions can prevent effective communication as well. If you’re constantly insulting or putting the blame on each other, your relationship isn’t going to get anywhere. The key to proper communication is relating to your partner. Let them be felt and heard. But also make sure you are felt and heard.
Have you ever been in the middle of a confrontation with your partner and realized that you weren’t getting anywhere? Chances are, you were using the wrong words. Maybe your language wasn’t accurately directing the conversation toward a resolution; maybe you weren’t open to understanding one another’s arguments; maybe you were criticizing and refusing to listen to each other.
Words have an impact, and communication is essential in keeping a relationship intact. If there’s no communication, there’s no relationship. But changing the energy between the two of you from unfriendly to friendly can make all the difference. This book will show you how.
---
Acknowledging a change in direction is a powerful intervention.
It’s okay – and even critical – to recognize that your interaction isn’t going well and that you need to change your approach in order to better understand one another. This helps boost your inner awareness of the situation and how you’re feeling.
It’s a powerful intervention that requires you to be straightforward with your partner.
Some useful ways to do this are to first acknowledge how you – as the initiator of the conversation – are feeling and to acknowledge how your partner is feeling. Then try following this emotional validation with a question. For example:
Can we start again?
Can you repeat what you’re saying but in a calmer tone so I can feel safer with you?
Can we take a minute to start over and really listen to what each other is saying?
Changing direction and validating each other’s feelings can transform a conversation and establish trust. It presents the desire to want to repair things and the willingness to listen to your partner.
Sometimes, we’re so focused on being heard that we forget that our partner has the right to be heard as well. And sometimes, we only hear what we want to hear – but that’s not effective listening.
So, let each other feel received. Offering this kind of vulnerability allows your partner to truly see you.
---
Validate each other’s feelings.
While we already discussed a little about the importance of validating feelings in the last section, let’s explore it more in-depth here.
When you’re in the midst of an argument with your partner, the two of you are passionate about being heard and likely with proving yourself right. What’s important is to level the playing field by respectfully asking to be heard and assuring that your partner will be heard too.
If your partner is refusing to be communicative, tell them why that hurts you. Tell them it makes you feel unwanted by them; that you aren’t important to them. Try something like this:
When you refuse to communicate with me, it feels like I am nothing to you. Can you please talk to me and let me relate to you?
A lot of conversations and arguments between partners struggle to reach the actual issue at hand because they’re so often lost in the criticism of one another. We’re often so conditioned to criticism in life that it’s hard to find a way past it. It’s often a go-to resort in arguments. But insults aren’t going to get you anywhere.
So, tell your partner you want to be talked to like you are someone they love. Tell them you feel invisible. Acknowledge how they may even be feeling – angry, nagged, sad – but why you want the conversation to continue.
It’s okay to be vulnerable. Be open. Ask to be heard. Allow your partner to be heard. Get clarification where you need it and don’t be afraid to apologize when you’re in the wrong.
Your relationship will fail if you don’t open up to each other. Try writing your words down on a notecard or a piece of paper and showing them to your partner. Seeing them visually instead of being heard can be a profound interaction.
---
Take responsibility.
Absolutely do not be afraid to apologize and admit when you were in the wrong. In fact, your partner will likely value you more if you take responsibility for something you did or said. It’s simple awareness.
Taking responsibility is an influential part of healing relationship dynamics.
Maybe your behavior was erratic. Maybe you overreacted to something that happened or something that was said. Maybe you put up an intentional blind spot and just refused to listen to what your partner had to say.
Admitting these kinds of things will build trust with your partner. It happens to all of us – you don’t have to feel embarrassed.
It’s normal to hold things in because you feel like you’re protecting yourself and don’t want to get hurt. Maybe you feel entitled to feel or speak a certain way. Maybe you feel that if you admitted that you did something wrong, you’d be belittled.
Try using sentences like these to express how you feel:
I recognize that I really hurt you.
How can I make this up to you?
I understand that my behavior has been really destructive.
Admit that your behavior was unnecessary and why your partner didn’t deserve to be the recipient of that behavior. Acknowledge that you hurt them and that it wasn’t your intention.
---
Work on your communication.
Making up is a powerful thing and it feels good when you’re finally able to come to that resolution.
But it can’t just be making up with one another, there has to be forgiveness. It must be mood-changing, lower the defenses, and allow everyone to relax properly. Importantly, it brings two disconnected beings back together.
Here are just a few examples of what to say or show to your partner when you’re ready to let go and make up:
I see how upset you are and it makes me feel truly terrible.
Can we just take a moment to stop and hold each other?
I want to give you a hug.
Messages like these offer a direct request to move forward. They also acknowledge that what matters most important to you – the sender of the message – is how your partner is feeling and not anything else. It allows you both to see that neither of you has disappeared and you’re capable of healing the hostility.
---
Tone and word choice can severely impact a conversation or argument with your significant other. The way you exhibit your emotions can prevent effective communication as well. If you’re constantly insulting or putting the blame on each other, your relationship isn’t going to get anywhere. The key to proper communication is relating to your partner. Let them be felt and heard. But also make sure you are felt and heard.
April 17, 2023
TALK TO ME LIKE I'M SOMEONE YOU LOVE: Relationship Repair in a FLASH
Nancy Dreyfus
A brilliant idea to have flashcards ready when you get into a discussion. But up until now I never thought of this as a possibility. However, it wasn't exactly what I was thinking so it didn't mesh up with what I was looking for. It was good phrases though.
3 stars
Happy Reading!
Nancy Dreyfus
A brilliant idea to have flashcards ready when you get into a discussion. But up until now I never thought of this as a possibility. However, it wasn't exactly what I was thinking so it didn't mesh up with what I was looking for. It was good phrases though.
3 stars
Happy Reading!
September 12, 2023
Definitely some thoughtful & helpful ways to mend after an argument or miscommunication. Useful in many situations. Listening to the book was a little dated, but she'd republished within the last 10 years and updated wording.
January 26, 2024
Probably closer to a 3.5. I listened to this as an audiobook though and I think because of the flash card aspect it would be a better physical book experience to possibly revisit in the future
April 12, 2025
Since this is a book of flashcards, it would be much better as a hard copy book than the audiobook I listened to, but the supporting text for each card was still very helpful.
December 4, 2022
I absolutely loved the talking points to be transparent in a relationship. The flashcards are a way to communicate and resolve difficult, structural, ancestral patterns for stronger connections.
Favorite Passages:
#22 - 99% Bitch, 1% Angel - means when I'm walking on eggshells with you, holding back even 1%, ironically it comes across with an edge there is a jaggedness that comes with my inauthenticity with you stemming from having to manage your feelings rather than stay with my own. But when I can tell you how it really is for me, when I am so free with you that I am without filters when I can just relax into being myself, I move to the angelic realm..you will create safety where you didn't think possible.
#92 - there is no such thing as having a relationship with another person, there is only being connected to your own insides in that other person's force field.
Favorite Passages:
#22 - 99% Bitch, 1% Angel - means when I'm walking on eggshells with you, holding back even 1%, ironically it comes across with an edge there is a jaggedness that comes with my inauthenticity with you stemming from having to manage your feelings rather than stay with my own. But when I can tell you how it really is for me, when I am so free with you that I am without filters when I can just relax into being myself, I move to the angelic realm..you will create safety where you didn't think possible.
#92 - there is no such thing as having a relationship with another person, there is only being connected to your own insides in that other person's force field.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 21, 2013
This is a very helpful book for anyone who is in need of some communication help. It puts the words in your mouth so that you can learn to say things in a calm and in a non confrontational manner. So that you can be respectful and not so relaxed/comfortable that you sacrifice the other persons feelings. This is pretty much the holy book for relationship conversations. It will walk you through it in a real and honest way. This is not some awkward, PC, Psycho Babble Fluff. it is a guide to tackling the everyday communicators in a real-world language. I and you will be going back to it for a hand to hold during emotion filled times!
September 13, 2016
In the heat of the moment are you ever at a lack for words? Or have the best intentions, but the wrong words come out of your mouth? Ever forget what you're arguing about? Worse yet, be told by loved ones that your words are harsh? This books contains 131 "flash cards" to show your loved one when the discussion isn't going the way you'd like it to. The pages opposing the cards contains the author's clinical notes and real life examples of when certain cards are more appropriate than others. A great resource for any relationship, but, particularly, with your significant other.
December 3, 2023
Has some good advice, but the flash card element is just not realistic to implement.
She used the word “crazy” a lot throughout, which was offensive and unnecessary.
She also at one point said she counseled a couple where the husband beat his wife and instead of encouraging them to separate, she encouraged them to stay together and the wife became suicidal. (Even though the husband stopped beating her.) and the author had some obscene opinion why she’d be suicidal even though her husband was no longer harming her.
She used the word “crazy” a lot throughout, which was offensive and unnecessary.
She also at one point said she counseled a couple where the husband beat his wife and instead of encouraging them to separate, she encouraged them to stay together and the wife became suicidal. (Even though the husband stopped beating her.) and the author had some obscene opinion why she’d be suicidal even though her husband was no longer harming her.
August 13, 2012
Useful things I wish I could remember to say when I'm upset.
But let me just bubble about the typography for a sec. The body text looks to be set in Mrs. Eaves and as someone who's used the font incorrectly enough times to recognize it, I want to point out how well it's used in this book. Heavy leading to accommodate the low x-height gives the lines room to breathe which also increases readability and decent tracking and margins to balance out the heavy characters. Beautiful. Elegant.
But let me just bubble about the typography for a sec. The body text looks to be set in Mrs. Eaves and as someone who's used the font incorrectly enough times to recognize it, I want to point out how well it's used in this book. Heavy leading to accommodate the low x-height gives the lines room to breathe which also increases readability and decent tracking and margins to balance out the heavy characters. Beautiful. Elegant.
January 21, 2025
A strange audiobook, since it literally describes a set of flash cards that I didn't have
I listened to it anyway, because (a) it was pretty short and (b) I thought I might get something out of the whole concept of the book. But, no. If you have an emotional intelligence of 1,000 (on a scale of 1 to 10) then you might be able to use the concepts in this book. For normal humans, in real relationships, though, this seems like hogwash.
I listened to it anyway, because (a) it was pretty short and (b) I thought I might get something out of the whole concept of the book. But, no. If you have an emotional intelligence of 1,000 (on a scale of 1 to 10) then you might be able to use the concepts in this book. For normal humans, in real relationships, though, this seems like hogwash.
March 20, 2012
Some of the topics discussed are interesting and will be useful. Overall I am skeptical about the way the flash cards will work for me. Some of the cards seem to be too similar for me to really catch their different nuances. Some I didn't feel would apply. I will try to use some of the sentences on the cards verbally.
April 17, 2021
Some solidly helpful cards, tips, and suggestions intermixed with a lot of fluff. Not sure that I’ll ever use the cards as intended, but the card that inspired it all is worthy to be the title of the book and is a focus I will try to maintain in my relationship.
October 15, 2024
Many good points on how to talk to your loved one framed in a healthy and respectful manner. The Flashcard aspect struck me as a total gimmick. At peak moments of conflict, finding and flashing an appropriate card to convey your angst?
May 17, 2024
I am a firm believer in order to maintain that happiness, it takes work to keep it that way. Lord knows i need all the good advice i can get. I felt like the overall theme was understanding your and your partner’s boundaries.
Whether or not your marriage needs repair or reminders…this is a very good book for just that!
This was a free audio book advertised on Chirp when I first downloaded the app. Although my reading goals are for entertainment, I decided that on my quest to a better me this year, a self help book or two would be a good thing so I gave it a listen. And I’m glad I did.
Old school Flash Cards for couples is a brilliant technique to gently remind your spouse and yourself of feelings you may not be aware the other is having. Literal written statements that hold the power to express what we wish we could say to the person we love but for which we can't find either the right words or the right tone in which to say them.
Couples therapist Nancy Dreyfus hit upon this revolutionary practice during a particularly angry couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was making him more and more emotionally withdrawn. Suddenly, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love," and gesturing to the husband that he should hold it up. He did, and within seconds, the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged.
This book is not only applicable to couples. I wish I had some of these flash cards with my boys growing up!!
(I wish someone would write one for those of us in customer service too! 🤣)
5⭐️ and recommend this for every couple and as a great wedding gift!!
Whether or not your marriage needs repair or reminders…this is a very good book for just that!
This was a free audio book advertised on Chirp when I first downloaded the app. Although my reading goals are for entertainment, I decided that on my quest to a better me this year, a self help book or two would be a good thing so I gave it a listen. And I’m glad I did.
Old school Flash Cards for couples is a brilliant technique to gently remind your spouse and yourself of feelings you may not be aware the other is having. Literal written statements that hold the power to express what we wish we could say to the person we love but for which we can't find either the right words or the right tone in which to say them.
Couples therapist Nancy Dreyfus hit upon this revolutionary practice during a particularly angry couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was making him more and more emotionally withdrawn. Suddenly, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love," and gesturing to the husband that he should hold it up. He did, and within seconds, the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged.
This book is not only applicable to couples. I wish I had some of these flash cards with my boys growing up!!
(I wish someone would write one for those of us in customer service too! 🤣)
5⭐️ and recommend this for every couple and as a great wedding gift!!
May 23, 2024
If it’s possible for you to read this book and not be emotionally moved, not necessarily crying just, “Oh my goodness I need that” kind of emotion, but maybe crying emotion, then you probably really are broken and in need of therapy. It’s such a simple little book. It’s almost not even a book. It’s almost just flash cards with one or two sentences that should help you communicate with someone you love in almost any situation. However, the author expounds on each card to help the reader understand, 1. Why it’s worded in the way it is worded. 2. Why it works. 3. When you should use it. 4. What mindset you should use it from. 5. How it’s often taken if used correctly.
I found it absolutely fantastic. It will be on my list of books to recommend to anyone getting married, or having relationship issues. It was simply loaded with great “flash cards” of statements to help communicate with people. Some I had heard before, but some were new. All were great.
It wasn’t spiritual in any way, but it was so ridiculously practical and human that it almost felt biblical at times. Does that make sense? Biblical principles are practical and profound at the same time. Much of this book felt the same way, and I think that there were more than a few ideas or concepts that could have been tied to biblical principles despite the author claiming little to no religious background.
Read it. For your current relationship sake, or future relationship sake, read this! I loved it. I really did.
I found it absolutely fantastic. It will be on my list of books to recommend to anyone getting married, or having relationship issues. It was simply loaded with great “flash cards” of statements to help communicate with people. Some I had heard before, but some were new. All were great.
It wasn’t spiritual in any way, but it was so ridiculously practical and human that it almost felt biblical at times. Does that make sense? Biblical principles are practical and profound at the same time. Much of this book felt the same way, and I think that there were more than a few ideas or concepts that could have been tied to biblical principles despite the author claiming little to no religious background.
Read it. For your current relationship sake, or future relationship sake, read this! I loved it. I really did.
September 24, 2024
I came across this book as a suggestion on a random Instagram reel and thought it looked interesting and quick, so why not. As an overall idea it's a great concept and a lot of the cards are great. The problem lies in someone either remembering all that advice in the middle of a tense moment with their partner or stopping to say hold on and shuffle through cards to present. There are also a few examples she gives and tells you which card to use, and all I could think was "no, the better choice was, don't say that to your partner." One example was a husband saying something like "are you sure you need that second piece of bread" while out to dinner with friends. It's disrespectful and embarrassing no matter how you try and say it, there isn't a card that makes that an ok thing to say in front of other people. There are lots of great examples of ways to say things to be heard but without the assistance of a therapist while using them, I'm not sure they will be all that effective. I will take some advice from the book but a lot of it was meh or just bad.
January 29, 2025
Makes me wish I could get into a fight with a beloved! I feel tenderer and softer just listening to all the ways we blindly careen into snarls and dead ends. I am listening when she says that so many conflicts might be resolved with kindness and respect. (I think it was "respect." It was definitely "kindness.")
I cringed when she suggested (towards the end) that a partner could be the co-creator of a betrayal. Hard no. (Totally agree that a couple could have nasty relational habits that lead one or both partners to make devastating choices; but each person alone owns that choice. Each person could have made the choice to use one of these flashcards.)
And I wasn't in line with every card's presence or reason, but I am wholly impressed with this author's innovative approach to compassion and conflict resolution.
I cringed when she suggested (towards the end) that a partner could be the co-creator of a betrayal. Hard no. (Totally agree that a couple could have nasty relational habits that lead one or both partners to make devastating choices; but each person alone owns that choice. Each person could have made the choice to use one of these flashcards.)
And I wasn't in line with every card's presence or reason, but I am wholly impressed with this author's innovative approach to compassion and conflict resolution.
June 19, 2025
I should preface this review by saying I consider myself a life-long student of psychology. I thoroughly enjoy books focused on communication and emotional maturity so naturally this was a hit.
The prompts in this book are great disruptors and can help redirect or diffuse tense conversations thoughtfully. The practice of going and retrieving a “flash card” during a situation that warrants it is a strange practice (and not one I plan to implement), but if you can take away the key themes or recall a few prompts, there would almost certainly be huge value / reward.
The themes and concepts in this book don’t need to be limited to romantic relationships - this book can aid effective communication with friends and family as well.
Needless to say I plan to purchase a physical copy of this book in the future and look forward to revisiting it.
The prompts in this book are great disruptors and can help redirect or diffuse tense conversations thoughtfully. The practice of going and retrieving a “flash card” during a situation that warrants it is a strange practice (and not one I plan to implement), but if you can take away the key themes or recall a few prompts, there would almost certainly be huge value / reward.
The themes and concepts in this book don’t need to be limited to romantic relationships - this book can aid effective communication with friends and family as well.
Needless to say I plan to purchase a physical copy of this book in the future and look forward to revisiting it.
August 14, 2023
A treasure for relationships. Lots of valuable insight here. “You’re never really mad about what you’re mad about.” In most relationships we argue over little stuff and it explores driving directions/suggestions as an example - why that can easily blow up. I’ve previously read about making “I” statements and how to better discuss topics - this dead-ends in our partner relationships because what we truly need is to be more vulnerable and emotionally intimate with our partners. It also helps you understand ways you may be inadvertently shutting them out. Just FYI - I just listened to the audiobook and have even used flash cards. The author gives you so many practical ways to immediately get started, whether you want to use flash cards or not.
August 26, 2025
Great book, but I really wish the layout was more user friendly. The premise is that you could hold up the page as a signal to your partner that a change in needed in how they are communicating. IN order for that to be feasible, this would ideally be in a spiral bound book, and the pages would lay out so that the message would be on the front page, and the expanded conversation and examples would be on the back side.
Also, the reality of life is that when situations with a partner escalate, it often happens too quickly to grab the book, find the appropriate page and holdout up to your partner.
Nonetheless, it's a good read, and if you can remember some of the phrases used, they are great tools to de-escalate during times of conflict.
Also, the reality of life is that when situations with a partner escalate, it often happens too quickly to grab the book, find the appropriate page and holdout up to your partner.
Nonetheless, it's a good read, and if you can remember some of the phrases used, they are great tools to de-escalate during times of conflict.
August 5, 2025
Partner not hearing what you're trying to say? Partner offended by what you've suggested? Do you ever have trouble communicating your point? This book might be for you.
I listened to this book on Audible and Dreyfus talks on each one of your "flash cards" that help you and your partner communicate effectively and lovingly. Nothing to say; just show the card to your partner and see your partner's attitude (and yours) change.
Even the audio book has a brief chapter for each card. I may be inclined to use these cards from time to time whenever I have trouble expressing myself....if I remember about them before the discussion gets too heated.
I think the book has potential.
I listened to this book on Audible and Dreyfus talks on each one of your "flash cards" that help you and your partner communicate effectively and lovingly. Nothing to say; just show the card to your partner and see your partner's attitude (and yours) change.
Even the audio book has a brief chapter for each card. I may be inclined to use these cards from time to time whenever I have trouble expressing myself....if I remember about them before the discussion gets too heated.
I think the book has potential.
May 3, 2024
I know a lot of people don't believe in spirituality, Trust me I was once such a person till my whole life started falling apart. Lost my job and my relationship was falling apart all because my partner ex did some black magic never to see him happy in life, No matter how hard we try things were not working out till we started seeking spiritual guidance. All thanks to Mandla for the prayers and support, You could be going through financial setback, Broken marriage, Relationship crisis WhatsApp Mandla ( Plus 27723985283 ) for spiritual breakthrough. ( drmandlalovetemple ) ON FACEBOOK.
February 7, 2023
This isn’t exactly what I was expecting so I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I can see where this might or would be helpful under the tutelage of a counselor/therapist. Just reading this book and printing the “flashcards” isn’t going to be helpful if one or both of the partners have difficulty expressing themselves. It has some helpful suggestions and information but it was just okay for me. The overall takeaway is slowdown, breathe, and try to remain focused and calm.
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