White Flag

by Judy L. Mandel

Cheryl said many times that “I’m done with that life, I’ll never go back to it.” But she did. When her aunt Judy finds her in jail after two years of thinking she may be dead, she hopes and prays this is a second chance for her niece. Her sensitive, funny, bookworm niece. Her big sister’s eldest daughter, who has since died. And through writing White Flag, bestselling author Judy L. Mandel finds that it didn’t start with Cheryl, but that the tentacles of trauma explored in her first book Replacement Child have grabbed hold of her niece too. She struggles with being powerless to help Cheryl, and she discovers that transgenerational trauma and epigenetics may have started this avalanche of pain. She wonders why some people can recover from addiction, and others cannot. Why some are able to raise their white flag of surrender?

284 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 20, 2022

About the author

Judy L. Mandel is a New York Times Bestselling author, former reporter and marketing executive. She holds an MFA from Stony Brook University. She is co-founder and Managing Editor of Replacement Child Forum. A portion of the proceeds from White Flag will be donated to Magnolia New Beginnings, Inc., an organization that advocates for those living with substance use disorder, their families and loved ones.

Reviews

[Dona's Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's the light.

That's why I live in Connecticut. Especially the glow of reds and golds as the sun dips on a fall evening. Connecticut's fiery patina at day's end mesmerized me...[a]nd [I] never left....It makes you believe winter may never arrive. A delusion....

I am a sucker for this kind of deceit. pp137-8

I liked WHITE FLAG by Judy L. Mandel. I found the writing in places to be beautiful, such as the excerpt I shared. Following the tangles of what Mandel called "transgenerational trauma" gripped me in places.The writer clearly loved her niece and wanted to honor her with this memoir. In writing it, I hope Mandel discovered peace from her evident pain and guilt.

I wanted more from WHITE FLAG about Cheryl and her struggles--trauma, addiction, mental illness, deinstitutionalization. So much of it is about the writer and her other family members, and their reactions to these subjects.

At the midpoint of the book, a shift in narrative occurs which made me disconnect from the book. I wish Mandel had structured everything a bit differently, so this big reveal had come at the end.

Other than that, I thought it was a moving story about an invisible sort of person that deserved far more attention from this world. Mentally ill people often struggle to get their needs met, or find help when they can't manage their own affairs. For so many of this overlooked population, they turn to drugs, and their stories look and sound so much like Cheryl's.

Rating 3 stars
Finished September 2022
Recommended for fans of memoir, family dramas, first person narrative
TW excessive drinking, drug use and abuse (off page), overdose (off page), death of family, plane crash, fire and burning(off page), mental illness, prison, deinstitutionalization, homelessness, probably more I'm not thinking of.

Thank you Katie and Brey PA (IG @katieandbreypa) and Judy L. Mandel for an ARC of this book.

✔️October Pick 11/22
✔️52 Book Club 52 Book Challenge: involves a second chance
✔️Nothing But Challenges 2022 Author Alphabet Challenge: [M.] Judy L. Mandel

*Follow my Instagram book blog for all my reviews, challenges, and book lists! http://www.instagram.com/donasbooks *

[CallahansBooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Aunt Judy figured her niece must have been dead, but she was just in jail.

First things first: standing ovation for a raw, intensely personal memoir that treads shoulder-deep into heartbreaking territory. It’s a brave, emotionally enervating story of infinite love unbowed by realistic expectations. At the same time, it’s not a Pollyannish collection of worn out self-help mantras. There’s real thought in these pages.

The author’s niece Cheryl is a drug addict who finds a direly needed source of support in her aunt.

Trapped in a tilt-a-whirl of addiction Cheryl falls prey to the behaviors and consequences keenly known to those with a monkey on their back: deceit, shame, entanglements with the law.

WHITE FLAG tells the story of this fight to save a bright young woman caught in a devastating spiral of self-destruction. But uniquely it goes further—all the way back to 1952 where the tragic origins of Cheryl’s inner pain might be found.

Written with desperation and love, Mandel’s exploration of generational trauma and inherited behavior is minutely researched and pragmatically valuable. Its true heft comes from its tone of unconditional love; a powerful voice that must tell a story of unconditional sadness.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m usually not a memoir type of person, real life is depressing and I prefer to live in a world of fantasy and happy endings, but this book was sensational, I couldn’t put it down and ended up finishing it in one sitting.  It was so interesting seeing the world of addiction not from a survivor or victims POV, but from that of a family member, desperate to help, but not sure how.  I also really enjoyed the way the author explored transgenerational trauma and the trickle effect it can have from one generation to the next, unable to break the cycle unless we make a change to do so. 
 
I highly recommend this book, but please be aware of TWs (drug use, overdose, death, mentions of SA)

[Rae’s Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so well written. I will admit that it broke my heart in more ways than one but I do highly recommend this book to anyone that has a family member or friend struggling with addiction. The perspective is so different than how I previously thought of addiction.

Tw: addiction, death, depression, abortion, child abuse, sexual abuse of a minor

[Leona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. Sad, but educational. It's easy to relate to the author and understand a bit more about addiction and ways of being more empathetic to the challenges to everyone affected by these horrible situations. It definitely game me a lot to think about and motivated me to learn more about what I can possibly do to help loved ones that want to be helped.

[Shruti Chhabra · Rating 3 out of 5]

What do you do when a loved one slip into drug abuse? What do you do if you can do little or nothing to help them? Do past traumas make you so vulnerable emotionally that you are prone to get into drug abuse and never be able to push past that vice?

According to a study, over 932,000, from 1999 through 2020. Over 91,000 in 2020. 28 people out of every 100,000 died from drug overdoses in 2020 in the US.

This book addresses these sensitive questions through the author Judy L Mandel's real-life experience with her niece Cheryl. Cheryl, a young, bright, sensitive girl who loves reading, falls into the drug trap. After her mother's demise, she sinks deeper and deeper into the abusive marsh of drugs and abusive boyfriends. Cheryl loses touch with her family members. A few years later, she gets in touch with her aunt from jail. Her aunt Judy extends support to her niece and tries every way to keep her clean. Cheryl dies of drug abuse.

Devastated and guilty, Judy tries to get into the deeper layers to look for the Whys and Whats. What more could she have done to help her niece?

White Flag is all about the journey within and the discovery outside. I could imagine how difficult it must have been to bring together this book for Judy. She has done comprehensive research and read books on the topic. It reflects in her writing which is engaging, engrossing, and educative.

Though the memoir is complete, delving into Replacement Child, her first book, would be an added advantage and give a better insight into this one.

What worked for me

Emotional account, relatable and connecting.
Emotional and Brave.
Engaging for the most part.
What made me cringe

Gets absolutely technical at times.
The flow of the story is interrupted as the writer oscillates to and fro between past and present.
Overall it's a well-composed book, and it may invoke an emotional connection with the people who have been through a similar situation.

[Jahara - Jarjarbindings · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I never really understood your very private pain, because you never truly let me in. Through it all, though, I felt the force of your life, as I hope you felt from me. Even with you gone, I am left to untangle the threads of our story."

Aunt Judy is eager to see the best in her niece Cheryl, wanting to believe her when she constantly assures her shes done with the life of drug addiction after getting out of prison, shes hoping Cheryl will take this opportunity for a fresh start, but she just couldn't, (Goodreads after this) And as Judy struggles with being powerless to help Cheryl, she discovers that transgenerational trauma and epigenetics may have started this avalanche of pain. She wonders why some people can recover from addiction, and others cannot. Why some are able to raise their white flag of surrender.

My thoughts: Ok so I don't typically read about drug addiction because it's a trigger for me because my father was a drug addict, but seeing as this was a memoir, I knew I had to suck it up and read this important book! And.... I'm so glad I did. Judy's research into how trauma plays such a huge role in being able to conquer drug addiction or not was truly enlightening for me. Reading about Cheryl really broke my heart, and embarking on this gut wrenching story of Judy learning that there's nothing you can do to help an addict until they are ready to help themselves, was so raw and real. As this was something I had learned from a very young age I just wanted to reach in and hug Judy, And even now I want to Thank you so much for everything you have shared, I know it was probably really hard for you to put down in words this emotional experience. But it means the world to someone like me who lost someone who wasn't ready to put up their white flag either. Thank you @katieandbreypa for this book!

I give White Flag by Judy L. Mandel ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Angie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, this one was a really good one! White Flag by Judy Mandel is a memoir about an aunt who is trying to help her adult niece find her way through the continuous cycle of addiction and recovery. Judy's family has a history of trauma linked back to a freak accident in the 1950s when her mother and sisters were in a house fire caused by a plane crash! One of Judy's older sisters tragically died in the crash and her other sister survived the crash but was badly burned and had to undergo several surgeries related to skin grafts and reconstruction, and later in life fought lung cancer. Judy believes that the trauma her sister Linda suffered was passed down genetically to her niece, Cheryl. After Judy's sister dies, she feels a strong need to look out for and take care of Cheryl, who ends up in jail for crimes related to her cocaine addiction. Alternating between a traditional memoir style of writing, some excerpts of letters/facebook posts between Cheryl and Judy, and a non-fiction study of the impacts of trauma, addictions, poverty and social services in the United States, Judy tells a story while also teaching readers about a world they may not be familiar with: the life of an addict.

Thanks to Katie and Brey Pa, Meryl Moss and Booktrib for the opportunity to read and review this amazing memoir! I highly recommend it for anyone interested in supporting people with addictions, or for anyone interested in finding a great new memoir!

[Tera (TheBookishAbyss) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tells the story of Judy’s niece, Cheryl, and her fight with addiction. As we read Cheryl’s story, we also learn about Judy’s own struggles in helping Cheryl: her fear, her guilt, her love, her hope. This book is an in depth look at trauma and it’s impact on addiction; how a person may have a genetic disposition to form addictions, but including trauma into the mix can almost ensure some type of destructive behavior. For some, it may be denial or isolation. For others, it can be addictions and/or mental disorders. Judy does a lot of research and shares her findings throughout the text.

This book hit home for me. Several people in my family have dealt with drug addictions. My favorite uncle passed away a few years ago as a result of his drug use. The father of my two youngest children is also an addict and alcoholic currently living on the streets. Years of dealing with his addictions left me rundown, and the process of getting him out of the house to protect my kids and myself from his violence was a very tiring and scary process. Dealing with addiction is a hard existence for the addict and those who love them.

[David Schwartzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read an Advanced Review Copy of WHITE FLAG, I can say without question that this book may very well change people’s lives.

Judy Mandel’s investigational memoir takes the reader along on her journey, to not only help her niece, Cheryl, who struggles with Substance Use Disorder, but to understand how the underlying events in Cheryl’s life, as well as those of her entire family, may have put Cheryl on a path that no one could have predicted.

Judy’s writing is not only educational, but engaging, and with a style that speaks to the reader.

WHITE FLAG opens our eyes to a new dimension of the opioid crisis and provides a much greater understanding of anyone who suffers from Substance Use Disorder and the family members who try to support them.

While WHITE FLAG stands on its own, but you would be well served to also read Judy’s first memoir, Replacement Child, as it reveals the events that, in all likelihood, served as a trigger for some of the issued uncovered in WHITE FLAG.

[Risa · Rating 5 out of 5]

TW’s: please look into TW’s before reading this book! My review does talk about addiction and death.

Read if you like: Memoirs🙎🏻‍♀️, books about addiction😔, family relationships👨‍👩‍👧‍👧, self discovery💡

This memoir was heartbreaking but also lovely to read. I loved how the author was incredibly honest and real throughout the entire book. She went through so much self discovery about her family and the drug addiction that took her nieces life.

Having personally seen how addiction can change a person and their families life I found this book eye opening for me. I found myself digging deeper into myself to see how the themes the author found were also found in myself.

I really enjoyed reading this book and although I don’t rate memoirs I would recommend this book. The author has another memoir called Replacement Child that I also look forward to eventually reading.

Thank you to @katieandbreypa @meryl_moss and @booktrib for letting me join this tour and reading this lovely novel 📚

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. Can we all take a collective deep breath? It’s about to get emotional and real. White Flag is raw and gritty in a “then vs. now” style memoir of being someone who loves and cares for an addict. What I appreciated about this was stories dealing with addiction are often told from the point of view of the addict or their parents. Judy, however, is an aunt who is trying to take care of her recovering niece in honor of her passed sister. Readers get such a connected feel of loving her niece and also wanting to watch out for her in the motherly way. The internal battle of helping and what is too much vs what she could’ve done is so clear. The second portion of this memoir focuses on the grief, piecing together those final days, and grappling with those unanswered and unanswerable questions.

This is definitely one to be cautious of in terms of triggers and be kind to yourself with reading. The style of including pictures, letters, and journal entries makes it all the more personal.

[Mary Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a moving, heartfelt memoir of family trauma and addiction. It's such a poignant book. Nearly every family is touched somehow by addiction. Judy's story is incredibly painful but told not only with love and compassion for her niece and her sister (Cheryl's mother), but Judy shares valuable information and even talks about how the system fails women battling addiction who are incarcerated. There is so much to unpack and well worth the read. If you know anyone suffering with addiction, or family members struggling to help them, this book could be a conversation starter towards help and healing. Thank you Judy.

[Leslie Zemeckis]

Excellent memoir but deeply depressing about a woman’s search to find the answers to her niece’s addiction and death - and about generational trauma

[Gabi Coatsworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Judy Mandel lays her heart on the line in this memoir about the way that the trauma of having a plane crash into the family home affects not only the family at the time, but echoed through the decades. The most recent person to come to grief is the author’s niece, Cheryl.
Those of us who have dealt with addiction will be able to relate to this story, but it’s the family dynamics that I imagine will interest other readers.
A fast-paced read, with lots for book clubs to discuss.

[Tracee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a sad story but one that needs to be told. I think this book would be good to read if you recently lost someone to addiction or has someone in their life that is an addict. When you are in that situation you feel so lost that reading about someone else going through those things you don't feel so alone.

[Kelly Alberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book doesn’t just recount one woman’s struggle; it sheds light on the larger questions of why some recover and others cannot, and how transgenerational trauma shapes lives in ways we often don’t see. Heartbreaking yet hopeful, White Flag is an unflinching, important read for anyone who has ever loved someone battling addiction or wondered about the power of inherited pain and resilience.

[Ann Batchelder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judy Mandel beautifully expresses the trauma caretakers experience when helping a loved one with addiction. Heartbreaking yet clear and bold, her memoir takes a deep look at family tragedy and triumph. A true gem!

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you for the free kindle copy.
A well written and heartbreaking book about trauma and addiction.