What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

In this intimate and insightful mix of memoir and manifesto, Annie Kotowicz invites you inside the mind of an autistic woman, sharing the trials and triumphs of a life before and after diagnosis.

How might it feel to be autistic? Why are autistic and non-autistic people so puzzling to one another? How does neuroscience explain the spectrum of autistic traits? And what could you discover about your own mind—neurotypical or neurodivergent—through learning about another?

Drawing on popular stories from her blog Neurobeautiful—along with memories never shared before—Annie Kotowicz has created a nuanced analysis of her autistic thinking, an engaging guide to autistic thriving, and a beautiful celebration of autistic brains.

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic will inspire autistic people and those who love them, offering help and hope to anyone seeking a deeper understanding of the autism spectrum.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Memoir, Mental Health, Self Help, Disability

118 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 1, 2022

About the author

Annie Kotowicz is an autistic author and advocate. After a late diagnosis at age 28, she created the blog Neurobeautiful to process her ongoing discoveries about autism and neurodiversity.

Since then, she has become a Chief Technology Officer, Special Education Teacher, and member of Mensa. She is happiest when writing, dancing, practicing parkour, drawing Celtic knots, or organizing her cozy and colorful home near Washington, D.C.

Annie is the author of What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum. She has also written articles and poetry for Edutopia, NeuroClastic, and Spaces Literary Journal.

Reviews

[Sue Keisler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the clearest account I've ever read of what it feels like to be autistic. Annie explains in precise and clear language exactly what she is experiencing when she behaves in ways that other people find strange or annoying. Though she is a crystal clear writer, that precision never gets in the way of being engaging. She includes plenty of anecdotes and colorful analogies that bring her story to life. She is an excellent writer who uses wonderful turns of phrase that crystalize her points. For example: "I catch what others miss, and I miss what others catch." As I was reading this, I kept thinking of more and more people I know who would love to read this. Because of my position at a nonprofit that supports autistic students, I'm often asked for book recommendations to help parents understand autism. This is now the book I will recommend.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

an excellent, well-organized, and accessible primer on autism. i like kotowicz's crystal clear writing style, hopeful perspective, and focus on problem solving. it's helpful and necessary to read about autism as multifaceted, sometimes challenging, sometimes beautiful.

recommended to anyone who wants to better understand how it feels to be autistic, to understand their own autistic brain, or to understand how to support autistic people in their lives.

here are some of the most helpful things i took from the book:

°°°

regarding supporting loved ones - it helps to approach interactions with curiosity, with the goal of understanding even if we cannot relate. absolutely applicable to any healthy relationship, neurodivergent or not.

°°°

Discomfort and pain are easier for me to handle than the constant vigilance needed to prevent them - and the lingering sense of danger when they're gone.

°°°

I think it's important to notice when rejuvenation is more necessary than participation.

°°°

tool regarding unmet needs:
✧ ask - why do i feel this way, and what changes could i make to feel better?
✧ if root cause is sensory overload - muffle sensory input
✧ if root cause is cognitive overload - make a list of "known" facts to identify "unknowns" and turn them into questions
✧ if root cause is social expectations - explain differences ahead of time (if possible)
✧ if root cause is unpredictability - research and ask questions to mentally prepare

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I’ve questioned it, as far as I know, I don’t have autism. I do, however, have ADHD, and I found so much of this book to be relatable. It was incredibly cathartic to read experiences similar to mine, many of which were difficult and/or have some sort of shame attached to them, because she points out the usefulness and beauty of the neurodivergent traits that, because of neurotypicals’ misunderstanding of them, lead us to get into these situations. She also included advice for managing the neurodivergent traits that can be more difficult, some of which I knew, and some of which I will be putting into place.

Aside from what I related to, I learned more about symptoms of autism that I don’t experience. There were some things that I didn’t know autistics experienced and some things that I did know, but I really appreciated her explanations of them. She painted pictures of how sensory experiences feel, giving me a sort of understanding I’ve never gotten before.

I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to learn more about autism and especially to anyone who thinks they may be autistic or neurodivergent themselves.

[TL *Humaning the Best She Can* · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone else having trouble with goodreads and posting reviews ? Sorry if this comes up multiple times.
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*Buddyread with Dustin, kinda left him in the dust. ;-) whoops*


Trying to be easier on myself for reading slower these days.
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This felt like sitting down with her and just listening to her tell her story. Her tone throughout is warm and kind, she makes everything easy to understand and is never condescending.

This would be a good one I think to give someone who wants to understand their loved ones who don't understand and also for those seeking to learn more from other autistic people.

I saw and recognized alot of myself in this one... some chapters more especially.
We don't have all the same experiences but there's much in common and to think about.

Autistic people don't all have the same experience and nothing wrong with that. We're all beautiful Chaos in our own way :).

It makes you feel less alone when you discover there's a community out there that you can tap into for questions, friendship, and support.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd been diagnosed young... would I have turned out any different?

Would I change anything to have known sooner?

Maybe as an adult, I would have loved to know so I could put everything into words and understand myself better .
I don't think my school would have handled autistic kids very well.

I would recommend giving this one a try and keep an open mind:).

Side note: I want to get a tattoo with the phrases he mentioned "NeuroBeautiful" it's a wonderful way to look at things.

Don't be ashamed of your uniqueness, embrace it and be your most awesome self <3.

[Dylan | itsthelymanlibrary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this very short book for anyone who is autistic, knows someone who is autistic, or wants to increase their empathy. My husband has ADHD and he related to a lot of the parts of this book and asked me to read it. I loved reading it and being able to see and understand him in a new way.

[Adrian Crawford · Rating 2 out of 5]

not sure who the intended audience for this book is, autistic ppl? ppl questioning if theyre autistic? ppl who have someone autistic in their lives? i dont think the book fully hits any one or all of these options well. there are times when the most simple of ASD things are defined supposedly for someone who is NT or just learning. and there are times where the author gives specific advicr for autistic ppl … so not for NTs. focusing on a specific audience would have helped this read more cohesively.

overall, it was very surface level explanations and often very brief personal experiences (it is less than 200pgs afterall). i found myself only understanding certain descriptions/sections bc i have first hand experience— so who knows how helpful that would be for educating an NT. the ending came off as just bullet-pointed preaching? i think this could have been a more informational and helpful book if there was more elaboration on all points and more real life examples. i also noticed the authors very limited scope and lived life experience, even though they never claim to speak for all autists. but seeing as they run a blog, i feel like it could have been fairly easy to source other ppl’s experiences and incorporate them.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

clocking in at almost exactly 100 pages the only reason I didn't finish in less than a day was because I needed to go buy post it notes and then re-read while marking every familiar action/thought.
I ran out of post it notes.

This was gentle, approachable, a quick read, and wildly familiar. I picked it up half for Autism Awareness Month and half to assess myself for being maybe autistic. Love it when a book just blows right past my expectations. Leaning even closer towards being maybe autistic myself now that I've read this.

[Sleepless Dreamer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll admit it.

I'm jealous.

I see those Europeans, speaking beautiful words on peace, those Americans chanting about ceasefires and my god, I wish we could switch places. Come on, replace me.

Don't get me wrong. I adore being Israeli. 7 months abroad have convinced me that this is my home, imperfectly perfect, a million shades of chaos but it is just for me. Pieces of Israel live within my soul.

But, oh, I wish I wasn't personally impacted, that I could hold a vague "well, I care about people's lives" sort of stance and be done. That the word peace was innocent. "The Middle East is so violent, make it stop, now let's go back to complaining about the EU."

You don't get it. You've never faced this anxiety. You've never had millions cheerfully wipe your home off the map. Never tried to engage seriously with other voices. You don't know this death. Sometimes, every shadow looks like a gunman. 52 days but the echoes remain.

Gaslighting Jews, gaslighting Israelis. Ignorance on full display. You never bothered to learn about us. How nice for you to verbalize opinions without ever seeing us. Do you feel intelligent? Eloquent? Are we fully human in your eyes?

There will be time for me to write a review of this book but right now, no real words come.

I will say that Kotowicz has written a beautiful book, full of empathy and accuracy. She pinpoints experiences in a way that makes them understandable. As I don't have autism, I really appreciated her ability to explain the logic and this perspective so well.

If you are looking for an empowering read, this is for you.

What I'm Taking With Mw
- why are so many opinions about the Middle East so stupid?
- the idea that knowing what you need and asking for it is relevant for all people
- her spouse sounds lovely, what a gem, im so happy for them

[Fi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book made me feel so seen and heard! I was able to relate to so many of the authors experiences and even those that I wasn’t, I was able to compare to my own and still learn from.

Something amazing about this book is that the author includes ideas and examples of solutions to some of the challenges that autistic people face. I found this incredibly helpful and wish that more books offered possible ideas for problem solving instead of just pointing out the things that are hard.

This book was also very accessible to read. I found the way it was broken down by sections of “discovery”, “sensitivity”, “processing,” etc. to be extremely helpful! I really highly recommend this book!

[Andrew Razanauskas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short and simple structure, but words that have me deeply rethinking the expectations I put on others. Well done.
Big thanks to RFK for (unintentionally) motivating me to read this

[Kazue Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m truly glad I read this book. The world is more beautiful for me after I read this book. Diversity is beautiful. This book opened my eyes for neurodiversity, which I wasn’t familiar enough to appreciate before. Believe me, this book is for everyone. This book expands your understanding of autism. I considered autism as a negative condition. This book completely changed my view. Now autism is…for me, something exciting I want to know more about and appreciate! The author considers autism as a superpower as well as a compromise. This book is full of helpful facts but entertaining to read at the same time. It was wonderful to share the author’s journey of uncovering herself and her past. This narrative kind of reminds me of Dani Shapiro’s Inheritance, which is a great genetic detective story. The episode on the author’s sensory discomfort over tomato seeds, and the sentence saying “...little autistic girls are often more conscientious than other kids about doing what’s expected, so I never considered that possibility [that she had the freedom to remove tomato seeds]” made me want to cry. I felt so triumphant as the author discovered her antistatic characteristics, learned how to cope with and advocate for them, and found a wonderful partner. She uses vivid episodes to make us feel, empathize, and understand autistic people. I wish the section on sensory empathy was longer. I’m interested in this aspect and hope that author will expand more on this in the future. This book will probably make you wonder if someone in your life is autistic. I learned that building real relationship with autistic people would be an amazing, worthwhile, and involved endeavor.

[Jacob · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved Annie Kotozicz's brilliant little volume: part memoir, part self-help, part readable ontology of autistic experience. It was helpful for me as an autistic person in understanding some of my own thought processes and behaviours, and in growing my self-compassion. I think it would also be a great read for allistic (non-autistic) people in understanding what it is like to be autistic, and being more helpful to the autistic people in their lives.

[Claudia Belcin · Rating 5 out of 5]

" I now recognize that there’s a difference between “stretching my comfort zone” and ripping it open. Challenges need to be big enough to develop new skills, but small enough to keep my brain in a state where it’s able to grow—not freezing up or melting down. And if I’m not ready for something today, I might be ready another day."

[Gabi Maharani]

Initially, I thought this book would be a more personal account of the author’s experience with autism, which wouldn’t surprise me considering the title, but which wasn’t what I needed at this particular moment. In reality, book was quite personal at times, but it was also much more than that, by providing useful ways to make the world a more welcoming place for those on the neurodiversity spectrum, specifically people with autism. There is information in here that is useful for people on the spectrum, as well as for neurotypical people that want to support someone on the spectrum. It is a very short read that I’d recommend to anyone within those two groups.

‘Many of the problems faced by autistics spring less from our autism and more from how others react to it.’

[Aida · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this very good and accessible. Lots of metaphors to illuminate ideas and breaks down / introduces a lot of concepts that are valuable for autistic folks to know (as well as anyone in our communities). Focuses more on the author’s experience as a late diagnosed woman rather than the entiiire spectrum of autistic experience so early diagnosed folks or folks with higher support needs and co-occurring disabilities may feel less represented. Either way though it offers concrete tips, ideas on addressing issues like procrastination with ACTUAL AND TARGETED ADVICE, and scripts around accessing help and communicating with others. Wish more (anything?) had been said about class & race, especially since gender was brought up!

[Mya · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

So I found this an interesting and insightful read. It did give me a different perspective on what the source is of certain behaviours which neurotypical people might find odd. I'm hoping this insight will help me be less scared or unsettled when I have to interact with someone who might be on the spectrum.

The style of writing is fairly easy going and it didn't take me long to read.

[Sortal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would read volumes and volumes of this format by autistic authors. It's so refreshing to hear from someone who respects autistic readers, instead of assuming that everyone experiences autism in the same way. Kotowicz shares her views with generous candour and humility, without ever overstepping to make assumptions.

[Skylar Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Connected

I feel seen and like there is a thread of light that links me to another human on this planet. Thank you.

[Ariana · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75 stars
The writing style is straightforward and honest. The content helps put words to concepts and feelings that we all recognize but might not be able to express.

[Tasia · Rating 5 out of 5]

з перших сторінок я спочатку подумала, що це ще одна книга привілейованої дівчини, як The Year I Met My Brain та Girl Unmasked (still good tho), але авторка дуже влучно описала все, що відбувається всередині аутичних дівчат і що вони відчувають. я не очікувала, але це було дуже relatable. у мене, наприклад, часто буває таке, що я не знаю як описати словами те, що відчуваю або чому я поводжуся так як поводжуся, але тут авторка так детально і за категоріями все розписала, що цю книгу буде легко прочитати і нейротиповим, аби в них тільки було таке саме бажання дізнатися шось про нас як у нас про них, кєк.

щодо привілейованості — справа навіть не в тому, що ці дівчата, книги про аутизм і РДУГ яких я читала, народилися в умовному західному світі, а я в Україні, а в тому, що вони зростали з підтримкою від батьків та однолітків. навіть те, як їхні батьки реагують на те, коли їхні діти кажуть їм, що у них аутизм або РДУГ... я читала і заздрила. з іншого боку, саме така підтримка походу є ключовою у тому, щоб людина могла вільно проявляти себе і завдяки цьому в тому числі існують такі книги. таке от помітила.

[Manja · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like this book was specifically written for me, and about me.

[Shoshannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Succinct and relateable, this book sheds light on what autism in women may look like in our current day and age. I found the explanatory model of what generates the 'spectrum' of autistic traits especially helpful and enlightening.

It does make me wonder what the other neurotypes may be... :D

[Hayley]

An accessible little book that is easy to dip in and out of (I presume that it’s an anthology of previously written blogposts).

Made me realise that I love musical theatre because it takes the guess work out of people’s feeling and motivations!

[David Asche · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly helpful to me as a dad of an autistic daughter. I see many similarities between the two, and it has helped me better understand some of the thought processes my daughter might have when she does something I find unusual. I highly recommend it, especially to anyone who has a high-functioning autistic person in their life.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

When autism first became a major part of my life, I tried to find books to read that would explain what I needed to know. But everything I found was written about people who didn't remind me at all of the people in my life who I knew to be autistic. I really wish I had found a book like this one back then. This one is written by someone who is autistic, which is huge. If you want to learn about the autistic experience, it's so important to listen to voices that are actually autistic. The author does a great job of explaining how she experiences the world and what neurotypical people could do to make life easier for neurodiverse people. This writing is super accessible and coming in at just over 100 pages this book should be required reading for everyone who knows somebody who is autistic. And the odds are that if you know any people, then you know people who are autistic, whether you (or they) know it or not.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent. The author is a dear friend and I feel I understand her, and other people with autism so much better after reading it.

A few things really struck me when reading this. To me, this book was about radically understanding, accepting and loving oneself. Annie has done so much work to understand her own mind. She clearly looks at herself with great love and compassion AND she does hard work to optimize her own experience and her impact in this world. This combination of self love and work ethic is something that I plan to aim for throughout my life.

Even though this book is about an autistic mind, it held lessons that I have found very useful in living with my (probably neurotypical) mind.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

quite good

This is the first autism book that has mentioned the hair pulling. I’ve read many autism books and not one as mentioned it. I’ve got autism and since been a kid I constantly pull at my eyebrows to the point where I end up with one full eyebrow and half and eye brow. I’ve always been bullied over my eyebrows been thick but doesn’t bother me now I couldn’t pick at them if there wernt. It’s something I’ve never got out of and do it more so when I’m stressed. I always wondered if it was a stim and finally this book told me it was. Definitely worth a read.

[elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

→ 5 stars (★★★★★)

this book feels like my life summed up in 118 pages. Kotowicz expertly combined nonfiction and science with personal anecdotes into twelve well-organized chapters, each one resonating with me more than the last. i plan on rereading this many, many times.

“There are billions of us -- humans everywhere, with access to our own minds and no one else's, tossing one another songs and sentences to bridge the gap.”

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've read so far that I've read about autism. Okay, I've only read three, but I really liked this book. It's a very quick read and very engaging. It gives good descriptions of many autistic traits with just the right amount of detail. This book is very helpful to understanding the inner workings of the autistic brain and how they translate into behavior.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Felt.