How to Listen: Discover the Hidden Key to Better Communication

by Oscar Trimboli

If you want to be heard, you need to know how to listen.

Communication isn’t all about what you say. It’s about what you hear, how you react to it, and respond. In it’s about how you listen. And despite the fact that leaders typically spend upwards of eighty percent of their day listening, only two percent of them have ever had training in how to listen effectively.

At a time when we are more technologically linked than ever, our conversations have never been more fractured and disconnected―because most don’t know how to truly listen.

The result? You constantly fight to be “heard” over all the noise and distraction. You feel frustrated, confused, and ignored and feel like no one is paying attention to you. You are tired of repeating yourself over and over again. At work and home, conversations leave you feeling drained.

In How to Listen, Oscar Trimboli, host of the Apple-award-winning podcast Deep Listening, shows you how to unlock your listening superpowers to have more impactful conversations at work and home. Through stories, exercises, and tips, Trimboli shares invaluable insights to help you notice when you aren’t listening―and what to do about it?

As you develop your listening skills, you’ll not only reduce the conflict, and confusion in your life, you’ll spend less time in conversations because you’ll be paying attention to what matters. When you master the art of listening, you’ll master the art of communication―and create more powerful connections in all facets of your life.

Genres: Self Help, Communication, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Business, Psychology, Leadership

235 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 4, 2022

About the author

Oscar Trimboli is an author, host of the Apple award-winning podcast Deep Listening and a sought-after keynote speaker.

Along with the Deep Listening Ambassador Community, he is on a quest to create 100 million deep listeners in the workplace.
 
Through his work with chairs, boards of directors, and executive teams, Oscar has experienced first-hand the transformational impact leaders can have when they listen beyond words.
 
He believes that when leadership teams focus their attention and listening, they will build organizations that create powerful legacies for the people they serve – today and more importantly, for future generations.
 
Oscar is a marketing and technology industry veteran working for Microsoft, PeopleSoft, Polycom, and Vodafone. He consults with organizations including American Express, AstraZeneca, Cisco, Google, HSBC, IAG, Montblanc, PwC, Salesforce, Sanofi, SAP, and Siemens.

He is the author of how to listen - discover the hidden key to better communication - the most comprehensive book about listening in the workplace, Deep Listening - Impact beyond words and Breakthroughs: How to Confront Assumptions
 
Oscar loves his afternoon walks with his wife, Jennie, and their dog Kilimanjaro. On the weekends, you will find him playing Lego with one or all his four grandchildren.

Reviews

[Bill Rycraft · Rating 4 out of 5]

I decided to read this book based on overall reviews as this was a good choice to improve my listening skills. I was hoping to gain some strategies and techniques I could use to help make me a better listener, however this book seems to focus more on workplace culture, business and group meetings etc. Even the exercises for the week were more business focused. Seems everything was more geared toward group type settings where I was hoping for more individual instructions. There are things I did learn so it wasn’t a total waste of my time but wasn’t the right book overall for me.
UPDATE: It’s been 5 months since I finished this book and I changed my review to 4 stars from 3. I find myself a better listener because I took what this book had to offer me and apply it to my daily living. I believe I am a better listener now because I’ve change my focus and closed my mouth more and feel it has helped me improve my listening.

[Meagan | The Chapter House · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars, rounded up to 4.

I've read plenty of books over the years on personality types and, most notably, introversion. While many cover listening to some degree, I've not found a book entirely dedicated to the topic until now.

Oscar Trimboli's _How to Listen_ is a welcome addition to the genre, and provides not only helpful anecdotes illustrating the point (ohhh the doctor who first discovered the covid-19 strain #weep), but also plenty of research and advice that even the introverts among us, like myself, can implement right away. I like to think I listen well, but this read challenged that, in a good way!

A recommended read, no matter where you fall on the extroversion/introversion spectrum; we can all learn something here!

I received an eARC of the book from the publisher via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.

[Conner McCain · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the author states at the beginning, this book is best read slowly. Pacing it over several weeks and truly using it as a guide is what it is intended for. Trimboli brings to light many interesting self awareness techniques in order to make you a better listener. The hardest part about mastering them, is remembering to utilize them in the moment. What I enjoyed most about this book is it's backed by a sufficient amount of research which makes it's practices more objectionably valuable. It's not just the authors opinion on things, it truly chronicles the experiences of important listeners from around the world under different circumstances.

[Victoria Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Our speaking speed is 125 words per minute. Our listening speed is 400 words per minute. Our thinking speed is 900 words per minute.”. Key takeaway: to be aware of the mismatch between the speaker and the listener.

[Zoë Routh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical and profound. Oscar Trimboli delivers a thorough, well-researched and well-told manual for how listen. He expands on the model from his first book, Deep Listening, after a deep consultation of some 2500 listeners from around the world. The stories he includes add depth and richness, and the weekly activities bring the insights to life for each individual leader.

Every leader needs to read and practice these skills; leadership of the future depends upon mastering this foundation. Useful, insightful, and recommended.

[Loren Sanders · Rating 3 out of 5]

Stuff you already know, but great framework for practicing.

[Jennifer Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Listen was written as a handbook for the workplace, but the concepts are broad enough to apply to interpersonal relationships of all kinds. It’s a quick and enjoyable read, and I found Trimboli’s voice both clear and an engaging.

This book wasn’t designed to be condensed into a few soundbites. The organizing principle behind How To Listen is based on the Judo system of the Dan, which requires practice to progress through phases of improvement and mastery. Trimboli takes the reader through five “levels” of listening, each of which requires the foundation of the previous level: listening first to yourself, then to content, then context, then for what is unsaid, and finally, for meaning. He even suggests reading one chapter per week to allow for adequate reflection and practice.

Trimboli’s background in the corporate world and his experience as a consultant, coach, educator, researcher and host of the podcast Deep Listening lend him credibility and authority. I agree with his recommendation for slow and steady mastery—especially for such an important skill—but I can imagine this would frustrate readers who just want a quick fix to being a better listener.

I was particularly struck by the self-awareness bias: we each think we are six times better at listening than other people. He also explains why listeners get distracted and why speakers can’t say what they are really thinking: we talk at 125 wph, listen at 400 wph, and think at 900 wph.

While Trimboli mentions the role of silence in ancient and Eastern cultures, this was one of the only references to cross-cultural issues in communication. I can appreciate how such a discussion would have fallen outside the scope of this book, yet some of his recommendations (maintaining eye contact, reading emotions through body language) reflect distinctly Western norms and overlook the role of culture.

This book would be a valuable asset to anyone working in teams, especially leaders. I also think it’s a must-read for my fellow coaches who are looking for ways to improve their listening skills and be fully present with their clients.

[Kevin Meenaghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended for anyone who wants to be a better human being, not just a human doing. Oscar’s style is easy to read and understand, and more importantly, he provides simple, straightforward steps to take, over the course of a few weeks, to put what we learn into action.

Oscar’s How to Listen takes active listening to a whole new level by exploring more of what’s not said, listening for meaning, while starting with ourselves. We have to bring ourselves into a state of readiness to listen…deeply.

This book can be read quickly, or over the course of a few weeks, giving time to implement some of Oscar’s ideas. I also bought this book for a team with whom I was working, to strengthen their understanding of one another and connect them more deeply.

Highlights for me:
- Connecting listening to breathing
- Paying attention and giving attention
- Ties to Brene Brown’s work
- US Airways flight 1549, January 15, 2009
- Three is half of eight

Oscar is an engaging storyteller, which makes the learning so much better. I see coming back to this book on a regular basis. If you ever feel that you’re missing something in your communication with others, then this book is for you.

[Harmonie Benn · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a good idea to write about listen honestly this is not easy and it need a lot of research as we living in world they lack somehow the art of listening in addition to that even in professional meetings most of the people are selective of what they want to hear and what they don't want to , in all its a nice book to explore oneself and how to enhance our listening techniques

[Shivanshu Jha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worth reading , I could relate a lot to the content with real life situations and could find out a lot on my own shorcomings when it comes to Listening.

[Srinivasan Tatachari · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was not sure about the book when I picked it up from NetGalley (thanks to the publisher for giving me a review copy), since this was about listening. I thought what can Oscar inform me about listening that I already did not know from my 20+ years at work. As I near the end of this book I realized that there is a lot that Oscar has taught me about listening which is immensely useful and practical.

He gets me hooked on to the topic by providing me some scientific data from deep listening research - that we talk at 125 words per min, listen at 400 words pm, and think at 900 words pm!! This fact was something that I did not know or maybe even think about. This data clearly indicates that there is a problem inherent in communication - being unable to convey what goes on in our minds at broadband speed and finally gets choked to be delivered at dial-up speeds! I absolutely loved this piece of knowledge.

Then he goes on in detail to provide lot of inputs about how to focus on the unsaid parts in conversation and listen for the meaning in it. All of it is substantiated with lots of examples and conversations.

This is definitely a great resource for everyone especially leaders who need to be using this skill a lot!

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful for book if your introvert like myself and want to get yourself out of your comfort zone. Book gives you helpful tips

[Asir Milton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This topic I chose to read, since I felt that i don't listen to people. Therefore i had made up my mind to listen, and wanted to know the advantages and also learn the art of listening. Am fully satisfied witht the book.

[Leena · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to Listen is an insightful book about the importance of listening deeply and actively and contains actionable exercises and practices aimed to help the reader improve their ability to listen thoughtfully and with intention.

The book is structured around the 5 Levels of listening: yourself, content, context, unsaid, and meaning. As the reader moves through the book, each "level" builds on the foundation of what was shared in the previous section. The levels are presented as a social-ecological model, or nested circles, which remains a helpful visual throughout the book and allows readers to easily mark their learning journey. Though this visual is helpful, as a reader, I did find that there was a lot of overlap in the external three levels of context, unsaid, and meaning. I spent more time as a reader trying to delineate between these levels than focus on the fact that they were simply trying to address external and contextual factors that could influence your ability to listen and engage.

My biggest criticism with the book was not in the content, but in the layout. As an e-book, every few pages, you are met with a large white page with one quotation in the center. These quotations completely interrupt the flow of reading. The quotes themselves don't necessarily reference text from the previous page and can feel completely disjointed. Further, on an e-reader, these white pages have no page numbers, and on several occasions I lost my place in the book. Instead, I'd recommend bolding the original text where it appears in the book instead of inserting a standalone page.

Further, at the end of each section, it could be helpful to have a 1-page summary that condenses what was learned. This helps the reader synthesize what was learned in that section and connect it with previous sections as well.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the content of this book and look forward to utilizing many of the practices and suggestions that are scattered throughout.

[Bharadwaj Machiraju · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical for anxious and impatient communicators

[Shivanshu Jha · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a good book on listening . When this book is read with some prior experience in Active listening, readers will be able to relate what Mr trimboli is trying to say.

This book requires active and deep reading without any distractions (same as listening)to understand what author is trying to say about the most important but also the most ignored part of Communication - Active Listening.

Worth reading for those who want to understand why we get distracted and what we can do to be better listeners.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

An informational guide to improving my listening skills. I found the exercises useful and while some of the material is repetitive from other books I’ve read on this topic, a helpful resource.

ARC was provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[James Pond · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book you were looking for. While Oscar's first book was a good intro (albeit a very, very small book - in size and length), this is the paramount book for how to understand listening and what strategies to use to increase our ability and capacity to listen more deeply. As a leader, this has helped me guide my own listening and to help our team develop some skills to become more active and engaged in their daily communication.

[jeandean · Rating 5 out of 5]

1. tune yourself before listening - take some time to listen to your thoughts and address them, so they wont be a distraction when youre trying to listen to someone else

2. paraphrasing is a reflection, not an interpretation. if you interpret, they might feel misjudged and misunderstood

3. embrace the silences in between, drop the thinking of "pregnant pause" "awkward silence". most of the time silence gives someone space to explore further into their thoughts before they continue speaking

4. you dont have to keep questioning to show that youre listening. it's best to let them tell you the story in full, before you ask anything. interruptions will disrupt the flow of their story- which will make it harder for them.

5. dont become hyperfixated on body language. see the disconnection between how they look and what theyre saying instead. are they contradictory?

6. notice their breathing. longer breathing could mean what they are going to say have come from a deeper place

7. dont label their emotions for them- invite them to label it themselves.
how do you feel about that ✅
you sound angry 🙅🏻‍♀️

8. exploring the backstory. instead of asking questions to help you as the listener to understand better, ask questions that will make the speaker understand their place in their story.
what was that like for you?
what did it feel like for you?
what were you thinking about in that moment?

9. what someone said in the first time might not be the most effective way for them to express the idea. if you dont accept that what people write the first time is what they think, why do you as a listener only hear what they say the first time and assume it's what they are thinking?

[Generous Listening by Vuslat Foundation]

On the #GenerousListeningBookClub this week: crucial reading for understanding the scope and power of listening with plenty of appliable practices and exercises by Oscar Trimboli.

Author, host of the Apple award-winning podcast Deep Listening, and a sought-after keynote speaker, Oscar Trimboli is passionate about using the gift of listening to bring positive change in homes, workplaces, and cultures around the world.

Through his work with chairs, boards of directors and executive teams in local, regional and global organisations, Oscar has experienced firsthand the transformational impact leaders and organisations can have when they listen beyond the words.

He consults to organisations including Cisco, Google, HSBC, News Corp, PayPal, Qantas, TripAdvisor helping executives and their teams listen to what’s unsaid by the customers and employees.

In this book, he shows you how to unlock your listening superpowers to have more impactful conversations at work and home.

#DeepListening #OscarTrimboli #HowToListen #BookClub #ImpactBeyondWords #CommunicationSkills #ListeningSkills #GenerousListening #VuslatFoundation

[Fran Cormack · Rating 4 out of 5]

When it comes to skills that we are taught, and learn, listening somehow gets overlooked.

Maybe the assumption is that we have two ears, so of course we can listen. But most of us hear. Without listening.

And this is where Oscar Trimboli's new book comes in. It makes you stop and reflect on how well you listen. And at what level you listen.

Who knew that we think at a speed way higher than we talk. No wonder people tire of waiting to hear what the person opposite them says, and jumps in with their response. Yeah, not really LISTENING.

This book will help you, through the use of some exercises, to slow down, and consider how well you really know "How To Listen".

[Akhil Jain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Silence is the tuning fork for your listening ear…

The speaker doesn’t need to carry the burden of your description of their feelings.

Emotion bring energy to conversation. You can use their power to create something compelling.

When you notice how people speak, rather than only what they say, you get a sense of how they express themselves — their unique communication fingerprint

Their complete thoughts are not in their first explanation. Speaking is the like the rinse cycle for the mind

Treat silence like a complete word: listen to the beginning, the middle, and the end of their pause

Silent and listen share identical letters

[Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well researched. Great mix of facts with stories, to bring the ideas to life.
Easy to put down and pick up, in fact written in a way that encourages that. Loved the exercise suggestions at the end of each Chapter to support you integrating the ideas and explore them more deeply.
My early wondering about how a whole book could be devoted to one thing (like How to Listen) was quickly replaced with curiosity and delight. I've actually read it twice now - a rarity in my world.

[Bryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listening is the ability to hear with a willingness to change your mind.

And reading this book is the willingness to change my mind on how much I think I can listen. There's a lot more to it than what is ever taught in school books or work life or relationship. Simply, there's more to it than just having your ears perceive all the words being said. Wow, I learned a bunch in this book.

[Jaclyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book could have added more tactical advice because the few pages that had were useful. I felt like I often got lost or was disinterested in the anecdotes, and there was a disconnect with the lessons that followed. Overall, the book is good introductory material for communications in the workplace or your personal life.

[Pip Job · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy read and very practical to apply and grow skills as a result. Have read front to back initially and will re-read one chapter at a time and “do the homework” on a weekly basis with a group of colleagues. Love the examples used in the book to help emphasise the message.

[Kartik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book for improve listening skills. It teaches how conversations changes when you listen in proper way.
How you can see all possible way of understanding the words which speaker says.
How 3 is half of 8 and the explanation is so good.
Definitely should read book for once.

[Helen Askey · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have ever read - yes I mean that. Listening is such a core and under developed skill, and yet when we are truly being listened to magic happens, we feel seen and our thinking emerges. I encourage you to take your time and enjoy the wisdom in Oscar’s book.

[Peepz · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's gives practical advises on things you know, but you haven't noticed.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

A masterclass in listening.