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Closeted: My Life as a Gay BYU Student: A Memoir
My plan was simple. Serve a full-time mission. Go to college. Get married. Stick it out till death.
That’s not what happened.
I began my studies at BYU, hoping to strengthen my faith while I searched for love. That's when I met both Claire and Easton.
Claire was the girl who promised a sure path to eternal marriage, the only cost being my happiness. Easton was the boy who offered a fresh take on life, a temptation that could risk my schooling. I knew who I wanted, and who I was supposed to want.
Reconciling my faith and sexuality was my only goal. But if Bishop Stoll discovered my actions, my BYU enrollment would be called into question.
I had embarked on an honest search for answers, but the fallout of that pursuit would threaten more than my education.
That’s not what happened.
I began my studies at BYU, hoping to strengthen my faith while I searched for love. That's when I met both Claire and Easton.
Claire was the girl who promised a sure path to eternal marriage, the only cost being my happiness. Easton was the boy who offered a fresh take on life, a temptation that could risk my schooling. I knew who I wanted, and who I was supposed to want.
Reconciling my faith and sexuality was my only goal. But if Bishop Stoll discovered my actions, my BYU enrollment would be called into question.
I had embarked on an honest search for answers, but the fallout of that pursuit would threaten more than my education.
351 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 4, 2022
About the author
Jonathan Alder
8 books11 followersJonathan Alder is a Utah-based, small-press author and LGBTQ+ activist. His latest book, Closeted: My Life as a Gay BYU Student, offers an approachable and sympathetic view of the complexities of navigating a religious education as a queer student. The memoir candidly explores issues of mental health, abuse, self-acceptance, and family relationships during periods of transition. Alder graduated from Utah State University two years after leaving BYU and currently works as a full-time data analyst while pursuing his passion for writing and publishing. Since the release of Closeted, Alder has been featured on ABC4 News and spoken on various podcasts, raising awareness for mental health in the queer community. Alder resides in Utah with his husband and dog and continues to inspire others with his powerful story and advocacy efforts.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
October 29, 2022
I SO appreciate the vulnerability of writing and publishing this important book.
Not only does it touch on the difficult parts of Mormon/Utah culture, but Jonathan talks about his personal experiences with being suicidal. The more this is talked about, the less it is stigmatized. The more we talk about Utah’s problem with suicide, the more we understand and hopefully change that culture.
What’s more vulnerable than including your actual texts between love interests and friends from your early twenties when you’re trying to figure yourself out? This is a story about clumsy first loves, learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself, and all the faith crisises that occur during this unstable time of life.
There are so many harmful things that are currently being taught and perpetuated through this culture at BYU. Some include: Men are not sexually assaulted, gay students shouldn’t be allowed to date, and getting married to a woman as a gay man is an acceptable and encouraged way to “deal with” homosexual attraction. Long story short, it’s not a one-size fits all situation and there should be more room for people if BYU practices what they preach about God loving everyone.
Not only does it touch on the difficult parts of Mormon/Utah culture, but Jonathan talks about his personal experiences with being suicidal. The more this is talked about, the less it is stigmatized. The more we talk about Utah’s problem with suicide, the more we understand and hopefully change that culture.
What’s more vulnerable than including your actual texts between love interests and friends from your early twenties when you’re trying to figure yourself out? This is a story about clumsy first loves, learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself, and all the faith crisises that occur during this unstable time of life.
There are so many harmful things that are currently being taught and perpetuated through this culture at BYU. Some include: Men are not sexually assaulted, gay students shouldn’t be allowed to date, and getting married to a woman as a gay man is an acceptable and encouraged way to “deal with” homosexual attraction. Long story short, it’s not a one-size fits all situation and there should be more room for people if BYU practices what they preach about God loving everyone.
October 8, 2022
I could not put this book down! The author takes you on a rollercoaster by sharing incredibly personal experiences that give deep insight into what it is like being LGBTQ at Mormon-owned Brigham Young University. The conundrum of attending a religious school despite being gay has never before been explored in such a thoughtful, yet very entertaining, manner. You will laugh, cry, and everything in between. A must read!
January 1, 2023
As a closeted, former BYU student this was really hard and emotionally taxing to read, however it was really good. It put into words a lot of my experiences from BYU that I blocked out and haven’t deconstructed yet. Once the story got to BYU and Jonny’s girlfriend said I love you after their first date (sorry spoiler), I couldn’t put the book down. I just needed to know what happened next. I literally read most of it in one sitting and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning to finish it.
Jonny does a great job in trying to insert humor into the very dark topics of this book which include deconstructing religious beliefs, sexual assault, and suicide. If those topics will trigger you, I probably would skip this read until you are in a better emotional state to handle these topics. Or just be like me and have a stiff drink to help you with all of the emotions that come flooding back from your days of being gay at BYU if such things apply to you.
Jonny does a great job in trying to insert humor into the very dark topics of this book which include deconstructing religious beliefs, sexual assault, and suicide. If those topics will trigger you, I probably would skip this read until you are in a better emotional state to handle these topics. Or just be like me and have a stiff drink to help you with all of the emotions that come flooding back from your days of being gay at BYU if such things apply to you.
June 23, 2023
I picked this up at Salt Lake City Pride. I was a bit hesitant, worried it might be some sloppy, rambling, trauma-dump. This is not that. While the story does dive deeply into some intense traumas (sexual assault & suicidal ideation), the author does so in a remarkable way.
As a gay man who grew up Mormon, I was also concerned that this book would hit too close to home and be too painful. The author injects humor into all the right places. The moments of pain land with the weight necessary to convey the experience, but never in a suffocating way.
Also, this may be the English major nerd in me, but I love the way the author engages with the art of writing throughout the story. He isn’t just spilling a dramatic story, he is artfully engaging the reader directly. These moments often come in the form of humorous 4th wall breaks, but they also serve to make it more personal and effective.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand what it can be like to be gay in Utah/Mormon culture. We need more stories like this. And damn… what a great book this one is!!
As a gay man who grew up Mormon, I was also concerned that this book would hit too close to home and be too painful. The author injects humor into all the right places. The moments of pain land with the weight necessary to convey the experience, but never in a suffocating way.
Also, this may be the English major nerd in me, but I love the way the author engages with the art of writing throughout the story. He isn’t just spilling a dramatic story, he is artfully engaging the reader directly. These moments often come in the form of humorous 4th wall breaks, but they also serve to make it more personal and effective.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand what it can be like to be gay in Utah/Mormon culture. We need more stories like this. And damn… what a great book this one is!!
October 9, 2022
This was such a raw and nuanced look at self exploration, identity, trauma, morality, and faith. What a gorgeous book!
June 12, 2023
This is one of the best books I’ve read this year. I’ll give this warning: this deals with LGBTQ themes (duh), rape, abuse, talks of suicide, and difficulties in the LDS church if you’re not comfortable with that then this book might not be for you. Also swear words 🙂 hehe
Jonathan gives great insight on the realities of being a student at BYU and being a closeted member of the rainbow community (LGBTQ). This book is set in 2015-2016 which during that period the church changed their rules officially, polarizing the LGBTQ community in the faith even more. This event is brought up quite a bit in the book. If you aren’t familiar I recommend you look it up to help give context.
Jonathan excellently explains his reality of being a gay man at BYU - abuse he received while he was in a straight relationship, the struggles with his bishopric (clergy), and the struggles of the LGBTQ community in Utah County.
I highly enjoyed Jonathan’s writing style because it felt like I was talking to a friend about college & life experiences.
Although he very rudely left me wanting for more lol.
I would highly recommend this book (I would make it mandatory) for anyone in the LDS faith to have a better understanding of the LGBTQ community, the damages church rhetoric does, and to better understand why Utah has the highest suicide rates in the country.
Jonathan gives great insight on the realities of being a student at BYU and being a closeted member of the rainbow community (LGBTQ). This book is set in 2015-2016 which during that period the church changed their rules officially, polarizing the LGBTQ community in the faith even more. This event is brought up quite a bit in the book. If you aren’t familiar I recommend you look it up to help give context.
Jonathan excellently explains his reality of being a gay man at BYU - abuse he received while he was in a straight relationship, the struggles with his bishopric (clergy), and the struggles of the LGBTQ community in Utah County.
I highly enjoyed Jonathan’s writing style because it felt like I was talking to a friend about college & life experiences.
Although he very rudely left me wanting for more lol.
I would highly recommend this book (I would make it mandatory) for anyone in the LDS faith to have a better understanding of the LGBTQ community, the damages church rhetoric does, and to better understand why Utah has the highest suicide rates in the country.
April 18, 2024
This was a difficult read for me. Johnny is a gay man who wrote his story after leaving the church. He can be very cynical about things for which I have a lot of love and respect, and he is infuriatingly unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions (something that he recognizes and discusses in the book). He also went through a lot - he had his heart broken, struggled with intense loneliness and suicidal thoughts, and frequently felt at odds with the church he grew up with and loved. Reading this book helped me gain more empathy for those who struggle to feel like they belong in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and inspired me to really notice those around me. Christ is the perfect example (as always) of helping people feel seen and loved. I want to live my life in a way that others can feel the love of God and a desire to be closer to Him through me.
This book also inspired me to write about the experiences I’ve had in my life. It sounds like it could be very therapeutic to examine your past experiences objectively and in detail.
This book also inspired me to write about the experiences I’ve had in my life. It sounds like it could be very therapeutic to examine your past experiences objectively and in detail.
March 4, 2024
I really wanted to like this book because there should be more books that tell stories like this one. However I couldn't get past the switches in tense, the switches in tone, and the half-hearted fourth wall gag. The gag was like Deadpool if Deadpool said the same joke every time he looked at the camera.
This story could use an outside edit to clean up the narrative flow. It reads as if the author is not confident in their work. Self deprecation can be a good tool in comedy, but not when trying to convey serious thoughts on serious social matters.
I'm rooting for this book but it has the structure of a first draft.
This story could use an outside edit to clean up the narrative flow. It reads as if the author is not confident in their work. Self deprecation can be a good tool in comedy, but not when trying to convey serious thoughts on serious social matters.
I'm rooting for this book but it has the structure of a first draft.
December 9, 2022
Practically Perfect Memoir
I’ve always loved memoirs, but this one just jumped to the top of my favorites list! Full of humor, a relatable and thought provoking faith crisis, and an honest and sometimes heartbreaking look at what’s it’s like to be a gay Mormon at BYU. I laughed, I cried, I audibly gasped! Everyone should read this book!
I’ve always loved memoirs, but this one just jumped to the top of my favorites list! Full of humor, a relatable and thought provoking faith crisis, and an honest and sometimes heartbreaking look at what’s it’s like to be a gay Mormon at BYU. I laughed, I cried, I audibly gasped! Everyone should read this book!
October 21, 2023
No one should be forced to choose between love and faith. In Closeted, we follow the author on his journey of self discovery, self hatred, and ultimately self acceptance. Bravo to Alder for standing up to be counted as a willing believer who could not make it work. Bravo, Jonathan! Thank you for sharing your vulnerable story with us.
November 15, 2023
This is not my first introduction to the lives of BYU Gay students, but I still found this informative and touchingly personal. I am glad that Alder put this out and it helps further in this difficult situation that people find themselves. I wish Alder happiness and I hope writing this book helps.
June 15, 2023
Amazing book! Very captivating and relatable. Being bisexual and growing up in the church made me experience similar things growing up. So happy we came across Jonathan at the pride festival to buy this book! 10/10 recommend
January 7, 2025
Witty and engaging writing! Read it in just two days! An honest and genuine story which captures the beautiful and terrible highs and lows of human emotions.
July 11, 2025
The book is honest and very introspective. As a gay ex-mormon myself, though I never attended BYU and don't live in the US, I like to see stories that represent how it is to grow up in such an environment. I love to see these types of stories as they bring up honest heart to heart conversations.
There are jokes and literary beats in the book that are constantly repeating, like the "I hate when (people do this that I'm doing right now), please don't read much into that" that took me out of the story and made it annoying at times, could probably be more varied, but it doesn't take away from how honest it is. Would love to see where the author ends up about it all, wishing him the very best in life, and thank him for writing it, being vulnerable like that isn't easy.
There are jokes and literary beats in the book that are constantly repeating, like the "I hate when (people do this that I'm doing right now), please don't read much into that" that took me out of the story and made it annoying at times, could probably be more varied, but it doesn't take away from how honest it is. Would love to see where the author ends up about it all, wishing him the very best in life, and thank him for writing it, being vulnerable like that isn't easy.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews