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332 pages, Paperback
First published May 23, 2023
“Her sepia eyes are wide and glued to my face”
“Is he Mexican or Filipino? Why? I don’t know, so I can figure out what our babies would look like. What is going on with me? It’s like I can’t get my hormones under control”
"I told you would become a TV star if you go to the Philippines. Your dance moves could use some work, but you have a wonderful voice.”
“It also had a handle, which he’d carved with the Filipino star. My jaw drops because the Filipino star is not easy to draw, let alone carve.”
“Looks like you’re stuck with this injury. You’re going to need a Mangkukulam to heal it. Fortunately, I know just the Mangkukulam to see.”
“Silence spills between us like black ink on a rug, unwanted and permanent. Permanent because even though I don’t confirm what she’s saying, my utter speechlessness has done that for me.”
“Mom, who I’d thought had been distracted with a puzzle game on her phone, smacks Eric on the back of the head. “Bobo, can you not see she is speechless?””
“Tita holds the knife menacingly, which would have rendered me speechless if I wasn’t already.”
So, it’s true? You can’t speak?” Gabrielle asks.
Mom pulls away, and all three examine me like a science experiment.
I open my mouth with no clue what to say, but it doesn’t matter because Mom takes my indecisiveness as confirmation that I’m broken.
“She will never be able to sing karaoke again!” If I could laugh, I would for the ridiculousness of that statement, which Mom said with absolute sincerity. She always did like my voice though it wasn’t like I was going to be a professional or anything. Also, I find it humorous that she suddenly spoke about me in the third person, which suggests that she thinks I must not be able to hear just because I can’t talk.
“Oh, good.” Mom pushes me toward the nurse like I didn’t hear her. “Malaya. You. Have. To. Go. In. Now.”
I can hear you. I overemphasize my lip movements, using my hands to push the air down so Mom knows to lower her volume. She looks so confused.
“Mom.” Gabrielle jumps in. “She can hear.
You don’t have to yell.”
I nod, my eyebrows raised in amusement.
“Well, how was I supposed to know,” Mom replies. “She didn’t tell me.”
“Turns out, the loss of my voice is a tragedy that breaks people’s hearts. If only they knew I willingly gave it away to overcome my broken heart."
“I scratch at an imaginary itch on my ear, guilt weighing down my limbs because I remember too much. I didn’t want to taint this life with lies as I’d done in the last life, but this was unavoidable. I mean, I didn’t want to come off as unstable. I don’t remember anything, I mouth.”
“...Malaya undergoes mental and physical abuse from someone she loved. If you have never experienced this, you may think Malaya’s choices and behaviors are nonsensical”
“Malaya, your virginity is something you can never get back. Once you give it away, it's gone. (…) You only get one chance to decide if the person you give it to is worth it. That is why you wait until marriage."
“I know I'll lose lan if I don't do this. If I've learned anything from the stories I'd read, it's that a person needs to feel like you're willing to fight for them.”
“What comes to mind are his two hands wrapped around my neck until blackness crept into my vision. What was my life worth? What was my virginity worth? Not this. If I'd learned anything from Mom, it was my virginity was a commodity that couldn't be given without getting something eternally valuable in return. I was getting nothing.”
“Salvador makes me feel alive.”
“I feel alive when he’s near”
"I’m so much more fun in this life!"