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Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive
Some say we are outgrowing marriage as a culture. However, the problem that author Shana James regularly sees as a relationship coach—and through her own divorce—is that many of us have not matured enough to create the emotionally-connected, sexually-satisfying relationships we long for.
Honest Sex teaches us what kind of honesty is effective for creating closeness, what sex actually is (rather than what we've been taught), and how to communicate desires and upsets to create more intimacy. By examining new ways to sustain connection with a partner, author Shana James illuminates a framework for relationships to start strong and get more intimate and exciting over time.
James is the creator and host of the Man Alive podcast and has a TEDx Talk, “What 1,000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women.” As a relationship coach for 20 years, she humbly discovered the causes of disconnection and distrust in relationships, as well as how to build trust and keep passion alive. Her first book, Power and A Man's Guide to Becoming a Confident and Satisfied Lover and Leader, supports men to be fulfilled in love and work. In this book, written for all genders, she uses her Master’s in psychology, DISC, and Positive Intelligence certifications to guide readers to create more honest and passionate romantic relationships.
Honest Sex teaches us what kind of honesty is effective for creating closeness, what sex actually is (rather than what we've been taught), and how to communicate desires and upsets to create more intimacy. By examining new ways to sustain connection with a partner, author Shana James illuminates a framework for relationships to start strong and get more intimate and exciting over time.
James is the creator and host of the Man Alive podcast and has a TEDx Talk, “What 1,000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women.” As a relationship coach for 20 years, she humbly discovered the causes of disconnection and distrust in relationships, as well as how to build trust and keep passion alive. Her first book, Power and A Man's Guide to Becoming a Confident and Satisfied Lover and Leader, supports men to be fulfilled in love and work. In this book, written for all genders, she uses her Master’s in psychology, DISC, and Positive Intelligence certifications to guide readers to create more honest and passionate romantic relationships.
- GenresSexuality
249 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 25, 2022
42 people are currently reading
36 people want to read
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August 31, 2025
14 […] a couple’s sex life will not be intimate or exciting if they cannot share anxieties and desires in a way that creates closeness and understanding.
33 Instead, I found the words, “I need a minute. I am going to be silent so I don’t say something I’ll regret. I’m going to close my eyes until I can say something that will create more connection, rather than less.”
35 I often see that people have desires for help, connection, touch, understanding, and listening that are not met in their relationships. Sometimes it is because they are never asked for.
38 But it is easy to remain strangers to our partners when our fear of rejection is stronger than the pain of remaining unfulfilled.
48 […] “life-alienating communication” by Marshall Rosenberg […] “any form of communication that blocks our ability to focus on our core humanity and establish real connections.”
49 [Rosenberg] “True honesty comes from a more mature place in our psyche and focuses on becoming more conscious of our feelings about and reactions to others. It takes full responsibility for these feelings and reactions rather than shifting blame onto the other.”
52 I tried to help everyone get along and solidified a pattern of sacrificing my desires to keep the peace. Now it is sometimes challenging to know whether I am excited by a partner’s desire or whether I want something different. I have to cut through fog and confusion, the “disappearing” of my desires, and the fear that my honesty could destroy our relationship.
54 Mature honesty is communicated from a deeper place than our initial defenses or critiques and involves personal vulnerability. […] But when a partner reveals personal vulnerability, the other feels less compelled to defend themselves.
61 In the shift to self-revelation, moving away from conclusive assessments and instead exploring current feelings, sensations, and thoughts, there is a willingness to discover ourselves anew.
63 The benefit of self-revealing honesty is that both partners’ needs and desires can be heard and attended to, allowing for collaborative exploration.
97 Focusing on the body […] We become more fundamentally truthful as we keep our attention on the pain of our first arrows rather than blaming or lashing out at our partners. This becomes the foundation of communicating our needs without apology and collapse on the one hand or defense and rigidity on the other. We grow to trust ourselves and believe in our honesty as we learn to stay in contact with these initial hurts and discomforts. […] we create upward spirals of hope and intimacy.
104 When we are not getting or co-creating what we want, it is important to honestly look at whether we have effectively asked for it -- more than once -- rather than hiding or implying our desires.
105 [...] a core issue that keeps people from getting more of what they want in love, connection, and sex. "Many people," she told me, "ask only for what they think they will get instead of what they really want."
[...]. I saw how much asking for only the minimum contributes to my clients' resentment and disappointment.
106 Relationships become much more connected and exciting when we become aware of our "menu" of desires and talk about it.
116-7 Vulnerability is a way to touch others' hearts and inspire them to support you. As I have guided my clients to include their vulnerability as they share their desires, they have felt more understood and gained more support from their partners.
120 My work with clients has shown me that many people have never experienced an honest sex life: in terms of knowing what sex actually can be and in being honest about personal desires and preferences.
123 Perel poses powerful questions [...] "What comes out in you?" she asks. "What parts of yourself do you connect to? What do you seek to express there?" [...] When we inquire honestly into what we want from sex, we get more of what we want.
124 [...] a foundation of exploration. [...] Curiosity becomes the guide. Honest sex is about waking up our senses and hearts. We become more mindful and aware, and we can take delight in one's own and others' bodies, hearts, and spirits. [...] sex is a way to explore pleasure and connection thought as much of ourselves as possible. Honest sex is a curious exploration of pleasure and intimacy without an agenda or goal orientation.
126-7. Showing up on the mat in a sexual partnership means we bring everything we have and feel our place of connection, whether it be in a bed or another sacred space. We may not feel turned on, but we can still connect and be intimate with a partner, especially with the freedom created by the expanded definition of sex. If we do not want to focus on physical touch, we can connect our hearts and energy. So, no matter what happens physically, we can co-create nourishing and exciting experiences.
134 The receiver is undressed, at least from the waist down. The giver sits next to the receiver, using their finger to stroke the clitoris, the head of the penis, or another exquisitely sensitive body part. The experience is generally timed to last for fifteen minutes.
153 Many couples tell me they bicker less when having cuddle sessions or sex regularly. Consciously integrating orgasm into our lives (with or without intercourse) supports a more balanced nervous system and fewer fights and disagreements.
158 Explore how much pleasure you can allow yourself to feel in body parts other than your genitals. This is the foundation for the whole-body orgasm.
165 Instead of trying to get back to happy, couples can prioritize getting to understanding. At times, it can seem like heading in an undesired direction away from sexiness. But staying curious and loving reveals new doorways to connection. This keeps passion from fizzing and can even reignite it.
166 Self-revealing, exploratory honesty is one of the most powerful ways I've found to create long-lasting connection and happiness beyond a passing moment.
When we only accept a happy version of ourselves or our partners, we cut off the intimacy that is the foundation of a thriving, evolving sex life.
182 FOUR FOUNDATIONS OF CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SEX THAT CREATE MORE PLEASURE AND CONNECTION [...] 1. PRIORITIZE CURIOSITY OVER FEAR AND DEFENSIVENESS
183 2. GET TO THE ROOT OF A DESIRE. Getting to the root of a desire builds on curiosity by exploring underlying motivations.
184 When an activity feels unsafe or scary to one partner, knowing the deeper motivations allows for collaborating to create other ways to experiment with the same desire. As couples start having conversations on this level, both their relationship and their sex life become more nuanced, interesting, and satisfying.
185 BE CLEAR WHETHER YOU ARE IN EXPLORING OR DECISION-MAKING MODE
186 4. BE WILLING TO COLLABORATE
187 "Would you be willing to be curious with me, rather than jumping to conclusions?
190 We can also use physical demonstrations to accompany the question "Would you like X or Y?" while acting out two different examples to help a person stay focused on their body.
191 Hoping or assuming that more sex will lead to better sex is not a great strategy. So, I suggest having post-sex conversations, which I call debriefs. Debriefing sexual experiences is one of the best ways I know to ensure that our sex lives get better over time.
192 Each person can take a turn answering these questions. The questions I give clients are:
* What did you enjoy about our sex? (This starts the conversation with the mindset of appreciation.)
* What could make our sex even better in the future? (This focuses on desires rather than complaints.)
* Is there anything that feels vulnerable about our experience that you can tell me know, even if you didn't say it then? (This is a broader question that makes room for topics not covered in the first two questions.)
If a partner is resistant to talking about sex, it can be helpful to set a context for this conversation. One way I have suggested clients introduce these questions is: "I'd love to keep having better sex, where you and I both feel more pleasure and connection. Would you be willing to answer a few questions a relationship coach said would make that more likely?"
198 FUNDAMENTAL 1: BE ON THE SAME TEAM
199 "What would it look like for us to both have what we want?"
200 FUNDAMENTAL 2: DIFFERENCES CAN BRING YOU CLOSER
202 FUNDAMENTAL 3: ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT EACH OTHER RATHER THAN THE WORST
204-5 FUNDAMENTAL 4: SHARE WHY TO DEEPER UNDERSTANDING. I have had many heated conversations when, just as the fight was about to blow up, my partner or I paused and shared why we were fighting for our side. This has quelled the flames and caused a shift from fierce anger to teary compassion.
206 FUNDAMENTAL 5: USE DESIRES, NOT COMPLAINTS, TO CREATE MORE CONNECTION
207 We actually don't ever have to complain. We can always share our desires instead. [...] When people feel less blamed, they are more likely to want to collaborate.
208 FUNDAMENTAL 6: UN-DEFEND YOURSELF
211-2 For relationships to stay intimate and passionate, couples need to prioritize conscious conversations as a part of our relationship hygiene [...] Questions like "What could I do so you feel more loved today?" or "What would have made last night's sex even better for you?" could be integrated into our daily routines. In conscious relating, we continually get to know more about each other, even after decades, rather than concluding that we already know someone. We can have conversations to digest emotions like disappointment, fear, and anger that otherwise weigh us down and disconnect us.
212 SIX HEALTHY, VITAL, AND PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP TOOLS. 1. AGREEMENTS
215 [...] example agreement: We agree to listen to each other through the eyes and ears of love and care, rather than fear. When we find ourselves stuck in fear, we acknowledge it, rather than let it run the show. We slow down or take a break in order to get back to the love we have for each other.
[...]. we will never be perfect at keeping agreements like this. The point of agreements is to keep us oriented toward our desires and commitments and remind us to get back on course when we stray.
2. USER GUIDE
217 3. CPR
218 A CPR -- a written document structured to set intentions [...] I write CPRs before taking trips, leading workshops, at the beginning of a year, and I wrote one for the birth of my child. The process of creating a CPR can be extremely clarifying for a couple.
When using a CPR to envision how we want an experience to go, we write the results section first. We make a list of what we want to happen in the past tense, as though it already happened.
219 [...] an example [...]
* The purpose of ... (insert activity)
* is to ... (insert outcome)
* through ... (insert way(s) of being)
* such that ... (insert big picture outcome)
Here is an example purpose statement: "The purpose of taking this trip together is to deepen our connection through caring for and being curious about each other, such that we ignite the intimacy that keeps us togetehr for another thirty plus years."
220 4. DEAR PROCESS
223 5. RACE TO VULNERABILITY
224 Rather than fighting for our positions or blaming each other, we were tender. We each filled in the simple sentence stem: "What feels vulnerable about this for me is . . ." Both of our hearts softened as we understood the deeper layers at play.
226 I recommend appreciating your partner on random occasions, but a scheduled daily appreciation routine goes a long way.
28. Alain de Botton on marriage
64-5 examples of somatic self-reflection
113 exercise to do
130 Tantra: syncing breath
131 Tantra: genital massage
33 Instead, I found the words, “I need a minute. I am going to be silent so I don’t say something I’ll regret. I’m going to close my eyes until I can say something that will create more connection, rather than less.”
35 I often see that people have desires for help, connection, touch, understanding, and listening that are not met in their relationships. Sometimes it is because they are never asked for.
38 But it is easy to remain strangers to our partners when our fear of rejection is stronger than the pain of remaining unfulfilled.
48 […] “life-alienating communication” by Marshall Rosenberg […] “any form of communication that blocks our ability to focus on our core humanity and establish real connections.”
49 [Rosenberg] “True honesty comes from a more mature place in our psyche and focuses on becoming more conscious of our feelings about and reactions to others. It takes full responsibility for these feelings and reactions rather than shifting blame onto the other.”
52 I tried to help everyone get along and solidified a pattern of sacrificing my desires to keep the peace. Now it is sometimes challenging to know whether I am excited by a partner’s desire or whether I want something different. I have to cut through fog and confusion, the “disappearing” of my desires, and the fear that my honesty could destroy our relationship.
54 Mature honesty is communicated from a deeper place than our initial defenses or critiques and involves personal vulnerability. […] But when a partner reveals personal vulnerability, the other feels less compelled to defend themselves.
61 In the shift to self-revelation, moving away from conclusive assessments and instead exploring current feelings, sensations, and thoughts, there is a willingness to discover ourselves anew.
63 The benefit of self-revealing honesty is that both partners’ needs and desires can be heard and attended to, allowing for collaborative exploration.
97 Focusing on the body […] We become more fundamentally truthful as we keep our attention on the pain of our first arrows rather than blaming or lashing out at our partners. This becomes the foundation of communicating our needs without apology and collapse on the one hand or defense and rigidity on the other. We grow to trust ourselves and believe in our honesty as we learn to stay in contact with these initial hurts and discomforts. […] we create upward spirals of hope and intimacy.
104 When we are not getting or co-creating what we want, it is important to honestly look at whether we have effectively asked for it -- more than once -- rather than hiding or implying our desires.
105 [...] a core issue that keeps people from getting more of what they want in love, connection, and sex. "Many people," she told me, "ask only for what they think they will get instead of what they really want."
[...]. I saw how much asking for only the minimum contributes to my clients' resentment and disappointment.
106 Relationships become much more connected and exciting when we become aware of our "menu" of desires and talk about it.
116-7 Vulnerability is a way to touch others' hearts and inspire them to support you. As I have guided my clients to include their vulnerability as they share their desires, they have felt more understood and gained more support from their partners.
120 My work with clients has shown me that many people have never experienced an honest sex life: in terms of knowing what sex actually can be and in being honest about personal desires and preferences.
123 Perel poses powerful questions [...] "What comes out in you?" she asks. "What parts of yourself do you connect to? What do you seek to express there?" [...] When we inquire honestly into what we want from sex, we get more of what we want.
124 [...] a foundation of exploration. [...] Curiosity becomes the guide. Honest sex is about waking up our senses and hearts. We become more mindful and aware, and we can take delight in one's own and others' bodies, hearts, and spirits. [...] sex is a way to explore pleasure and connection thought as much of ourselves as possible. Honest sex is a curious exploration of pleasure and intimacy without an agenda or goal orientation.
126-7. Showing up on the mat in a sexual partnership means we bring everything we have and feel our place of connection, whether it be in a bed or another sacred space. We may not feel turned on, but we can still connect and be intimate with a partner, especially with the freedom created by the expanded definition of sex. If we do not want to focus on physical touch, we can connect our hearts and energy. So, no matter what happens physically, we can co-create nourishing and exciting experiences.
134 The receiver is undressed, at least from the waist down. The giver sits next to the receiver, using their finger to stroke the clitoris, the head of the penis, or another exquisitely sensitive body part. The experience is generally timed to last for fifteen minutes.
153 Many couples tell me they bicker less when having cuddle sessions or sex regularly. Consciously integrating orgasm into our lives (with or without intercourse) supports a more balanced nervous system and fewer fights and disagreements.
158 Explore how much pleasure you can allow yourself to feel in body parts other than your genitals. This is the foundation for the whole-body orgasm.
165 Instead of trying to get back to happy, couples can prioritize getting to understanding. At times, it can seem like heading in an undesired direction away from sexiness. But staying curious and loving reveals new doorways to connection. This keeps passion from fizzing and can even reignite it.
166 Self-revealing, exploratory honesty is one of the most powerful ways I've found to create long-lasting connection and happiness beyond a passing moment.
When we only accept a happy version of ourselves or our partners, we cut off the intimacy that is the foundation of a thriving, evolving sex life.
182 FOUR FOUNDATIONS OF CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SEX THAT CREATE MORE PLEASURE AND CONNECTION [...] 1. PRIORITIZE CURIOSITY OVER FEAR AND DEFENSIVENESS
183 2. GET TO THE ROOT OF A DESIRE. Getting to the root of a desire builds on curiosity by exploring underlying motivations.
184 When an activity feels unsafe or scary to one partner, knowing the deeper motivations allows for collaborating to create other ways to experiment with the same desire. As couples start having conversations on this level, both their relationship and their sex life become more nuanced, interesting, and satisfying.
185 BE CLEAR WHETHER YOU ARE IN EXPLORING OR DECISION-MAKING MODE
186 4. BE WILLING TO COLLABORATE
187 "Would you be willing to be curious with me, rather than jumping to conclusions?
190 We can also use physical demonstrations to accompany the question "Would you like X or Y?" while acting out two different examples to help a person stay focused on their body.
191 Hoping or assuming that more sex will lead to better sex is not a great strategy. So, I suggest having post-sex conversations, which I call debriefs. Debriefing sexual experiences is one of the best ways I know to ensure that our sex lives get better over time.
192 Each person can take a turn answering these questions. The questions I give clients are:
* What did you enjoy about our sex? (This starts the conversation with the mindset of appreciation.)
* What could make our sex even better in the future? (This focuses on desires rather than complaints.)
* Is there anything that feels vulnerable about our experience that you can tell me know, even if you didn't say it then? (This is a broader question that makes room for topics not covered in the first two questions.)
If a partner is resistant to talking about sex, it can be helpful to set a context for this conversation. One way I have suggested clients introduce these questions is: "I'd love to keep having better sex, where you and I both feel more pleasure and connection. Would you be willing to answer a few questions a relationship coach said would make that more likely?"
198 FUNDAMENTAL 1: BE ON THE SAME TEAM
199 "What would it look like for us to both have what we want?"
200 FUNDAMENTAL 2: DIFFERENCES CAN BRING YOU CLOSER
202 FUNDAMENTAL 3: ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT EACH OTHER RATHER THAN THE WORST
204-5 FUNDAMENTAL 4: SHARE WHY TO DEEPER UNDERSTANDING. I have had many heated conversations when, just as the fight was about to blow up, my partner or I paused and shared why we were fighting for our side. This has quelled the flames and caused a shift from fierce anger to teary compassion.
206 FUNDAMENTAL 5: USE DESIRES, NOT COMPLAINTS, TO CREATE MORE CONNECTION
207 We actually don't ever have to complain. We can always share our desires instead. [...] When people feel less blamed, they are more likely to want to collaborate.
208 FUNDAMENTAL 6: UN-DEFEND YOURSELF
211-2 For relationships to stay intimate and passionate, couples need to prioritize conscious conversations as a part of our relationship hygiene [...] Questions like "What could I do so you feel more loved today?" or "What would have made last night's sex even better for you?" could be integrated into our daily routines. In conscious relating, we continually get to know more about each other, even after decades, rather than concluding that we already know someone. We can have conversations to digest emotions like disappointment, fear, and anger that otherwise weigh us down and disconnect us.
212 SIX HEALTHY, VITAL, AND PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP TOOLS. 1. AGREEMENTS
215 [...] example agreement: We agree to listen to each other through the eyes and ears of love and care, rather than fear. When we find ourselves stuck in fear, we acknowledge it, rather than let it run the show. We slow down or take a break in order to get back to the love we have for each other.
[...]. we will never be perfect at keeping agreements like this. The point of agreements is to keep us oriented toward our desires and commitments and remind us to get back on course when we stray.
2. USER GUIDE
217 3. CPR
218 A CPR -- a written document structured to set intentions [...] I write CPRs before taking trips, leading workshops, at the beginning of a year, and I wrote one for the birth of my child. The process of creating a CPR can be extremely clarifying for a couple.
When using a CPR to envision how we want an experience to go, we write the results section first. We make a list of what we want to happen in the past tense, as though it already happened.
219 [...] an example [...]
* The purpose of ... (insert activity)
* is to ... (insert outcome)
* through ... (insert way(s) of being)
* such that ... (insert big picture outcome)
Here is an example purpose statement: "The purpose of taking this trip together is to deepen our connection through caring for and being curious about each other, such that we ignite the intimacy that keeps us togetehr for another thirty plus years."
220 4. DEAR PROCESS
223 5. RACE TO VULNERABILITY
224 Rather than fighting for our positions or blaming each other, we were tender. We each filled in the simple sentence stem: "What feels vulnerable about this for me is . . ." Both of our hearts softened as we understood the deeper layers at play.
226 I recommend appreciating your partner on random occasions, but a scheduled daily appreciation routine goes a long way.
28. Alain de Botton on marriage
64-5 examples of somatic self-reflection
113 exercise to do
130 Tantra: syncing breath
131 Tantra: genital massage
June 22, 2025
Honest Sex is a refreshing, insightful look at how emotional intimacy and honest communication fuel better sex and deeper relationships. It blends psychology, real stories, and practical advice in a way that feels both compassionate and direct.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews