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Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship
“I never thought of it as abuse.”
Most emotionally abused partners don’t know they are being abused. They know that they are dealing with a difficult relationship and wonder, “Is it supposed to be this hard?”
This life-changing book helps people make sense of their situation
• Exploring the difference between emotional abuse and the hard work of relationship
• Helping emotionally abused partners understand themselves more and judge themselves less by showing how unconscious relationship patterns, subtlety, and denial make emotional abuse hard to identify
• Outlining steps people can take to recover from abuse, find their inner strength, and engage in better self-care
Of the twenty-eight people who tell their stories in this book—including women abused by men, people from the LGBTQ+ community, and heterosexual men abused by female partners—all have taken steps toward healing, and over half have gone on to enjoy healthy relationships. Along with compassionately presenting their experiences and the wisdom they gained on their path to recovery, Haffey provides insightful self-reflection tools to access hidden truths about emotional abuse, leading to greater clarity, inner trust, personal empowerment, and ultimately freedom from abuse.
Most emotionally abused partners don’t know they are being abused. They know that they are dealing with a difficult relationship and wonder, “Is it supposed to be this hard?”
This life-changing book helps people make sense of their situation
• Exploring the difference between emotional abuse and the hard work of relationship
• Helping emotionally abused partners understand themselves more and judge themselves less by showing how unconscious relationship patterns, subtlety, and denial make emotional abuse hard to identify
• Outlining steps people can take to recover from abuse, find their inner strength, and engage in better self-care
Of the twenty-eight people who tell their stories in this book—including women abused by men, people from the LGBTQ+ community, and heterosexual men abused by female partners—all have taken steps toward healing, and over half have gone on to enjoy healthy relationships. Along with compassionately presenting their experiences and the wisdom they gained on their path to recovery, Haffey provides insightful self-reflection tools to access hidden truths about emotional abuse, leading to greater clarity, inner trust, personal empowerment, and ultimately freedom from abuse.
302 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 4, 2022
17 people are currently reading
22 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
September 4, 2025
As the term “Narcissism” continues to be tossed around, I found this book intensely refreshing. Most helpful is the tact Haffey uses in holding Gottman’s research findings if happy and successful long-term couples up against emotional and psychological abuse. The very subtle and invisible techniques and behaviors that abusers use to maintain control over another is what this book is all about. Haffey ends each chapter with a summary of what is healthy in a relationship based on that chapter’s topic. She even explores family history and domestic abuse perpetrated by women toward men. An overall great resource and book. I wish it had been written twenty years ago!
January 21, 2026
Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship is a compassionate, illuminating guide for individuals who sense something is wrong in their relationship but cannot quite name it. Mary Pat Haffey MS addresses one of the most painful realities of emotional abuse: that many victims do not recognize it as abuse at all.
What makes this book especially powerful is its ability to gently dismantle confusion without judgment. Rather than labeling readers or pressuring them toward conclusions, Haffey carefully explains how emotional abuse hides behind subtle behaviors, unconscious patterns, denial, and deeply ingrained beliefs about love and commitment. The question “Is it supposed to be this hard?” becomes a doorway into clarity rather than shame.
Through the stories of twenty-eight individuals across genders and relationship structures, the book normalizes experiences that are often minimized or dismissed. These real-life accounts bring credibility, emotional depth, and hope, showing that healing is possible and that healthy relationships can exist beyond abuse. The inclusion of reflective tools and self-inquiry exercises empowers readers to rebuild trust in themselves, strengthen boundaries, and reconnect with their inner voice.
This book stands out for its balance of clinical insight and emotional warmth. It does not offer simplistic answers, but instead provides validation, understanding, and a realistic pathway toward freedom, self-compassion, and emotional safety.
What makes this book especially powerful is its ability to gently dismantle confusion without judgment. Rather than labeling readers or pressuring them toward conclusions, Haffey carefully explains how emotional abuse hides behind subtle behaviors, unconscious patterns, denial, and deeply ingrained beliefs about love and commitment. The question “Is it supposed to be this hard?” becomes a doorway into clarity rather than shame.
Through the stories of twenty-eight individuals across genders and relationship structures, the book normalizes experiences that are often minimized or dismissed. These real-life accounts bring credibility, emotional depth, and hope, showing that healing is possible and that healthy relationships can exist beyond abuse. The inclusion of reflective tools and self-inquiry exercises empowers readers to rebuild trust in themselves, strengthen boundaries, and reconnect with their inner voice.
This book stands out for its balance of clinical insight and emotional warmth. It does not offer simplistic answers, but instead provides validation, understanding, and a realistic pathway toward freedom, self-compassion, and emotional safety.
May 20, 2023
An excellent guide to help anyone that questions whether or not the day-to-day interactions they have with their partner "qualifies" as abuse. The personal stories of twenty-eight diverse individuals give many scenarios that shine a light on what exactly emotional abuse "looks" like. Helpful for both the non-professional as well as people that work in the field of therapy, this book takes a direct yet supportive approach to assist people in their journey of awareness and the possibility of action. Mary Pat has an engaging writing style that gives honesty with a dose of kindness and compassion.
March 9, 2023
If you're in a relationship, you need to read this book. I had no idea the book could be about me, didn't consider myself abused or an abuser. My eyes are now opened to emotional abuse, both given and taken, with my partner. This book gave me insight into how I can start to be a better person for my spouse. Relationships shouldn't be about power or control. We create what the relationship becomes, and I intend to do better work. I am grateful to Mary Pat Haffey for writing this book!
December 24, 2024
A Thank You to This Author
If you are in, or have been, in an emotionally abusive relationship, you will see yourself in this book. It is well written, easy to read, difficult/painful to digest, but also, hopeful and validating. It helped answer a question I have had for a very long time, “no, it’s not suppose to be this hard”.
If you are in, or have been, in an emotionally abusive relationship, you will see yourself in this book. It is well written, easy to read, difficult/painful to digest, but also, hopeful and validating. It helped answer a question I have had for a very long time, “no, it’s not suppose to be this hard”.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews