No Letter in Your Pocket (42)

by Heather Conn

Incest denial and sexual assaults disrupt a young woman’s solo spiritual quest and her two romantic adventures in India in 1990-91. Two decades later, after profound healing, she’s resilient at mid-life. Finding the love and intimacy she craves, she can, at last, forgive her dying father―and her mom, for her decades of silence. Unlike many stories of healing and spiritual discovery, No Letter in Your Pocket avoids predictable recovery rhetoric and insular victimhood. Instead, it is a testament to thriving empowerment.

Genres: Memoir

294 pages, Paperback

Published May 1, 2023

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
The brain is a complicated organ and this book shows just how much memories can pop up at any time and any place. The author writes of her travels and how past trauma shaped her experiences. Forgiveness plays an important part in her healing.

[Bernadette Calonego · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heather Conn’s memoir describes the long-lasting consequences and suffering of a girl who was sexually abused by her doctor father, a renowned and popular anesthesiologist. It is a disconcerting book but written in beautiful prose. The horror of the abuse is revealed gradually, sometimes between fascinating descriptions of foreign cultures: As a young woman, the author travelled extensively in Southeast Asia, first with her father, then on her own. A lengthy trip to India is marred by local men constantly groping and verbally harassing her. But it is only after her return to Canada, that the aftermath of her childhood abuse starts to unravel.
This is not a sensationalist tale, the author presents the horrid facts intermittently and almost matter-of-factly, but when she does, it hits you like a jagged piece of ice. After her father had died, she decided to publish her memoir.
Heather Conn makes it clear that her abusive dad wasn’t solely a monster: At the end of her memoir, she thanks him for his humour, for saving so many lives as a doctor, for his rebel spirit which she shares with him, and she promises that she will carry on the good in him. This promise doesn’t mean though that she lets him off the crime he committed: “I will honour you the best way in my book, while telling my own truth.”
The attachment she still feels for her father doesn`t make his crime less harmful. An abused girl must be completely torn be-tween the love for her dad and the disgust she feels about his actions. It is heart-breaking to read about Heather Conn’s decades-long struggle and pain to deal with self-hatred, self-doubt, pent-up anger and her inability to maintain healthy and stable relationships with men (only much later in life, she achieved a happy marriage).
The way she describes her long path from despair to healing is masterful. It is also honest and full of self-reflection. But in the end, nobody should have to go through such an ordeal. The subtitle of this memoir is significant: “How a Daughter Chose Love and Forgiveness to Heal from Incest”. Some people might be less forgiving with the abusive father, a lecherous narcissist and opportunistic predator with a lack of true empathy and feelings.
The author makes a convincing case how and why she chose love and forgiveness for herself: “Although denouncing my dad’s ac-tions, I don`t have to hate or obliterate him.” Conn doesn’t believe that this has to be everybody incest survivor’s path: “Some people’s abuse is so horrendous that they cannot even approach healing without enduring a psychotic break.”
This memoir had to be written. And it has to be read. Incest is a very urgent topic and a difficult one for incest survivors, but also for readers. However, Conn was able to draw me into her story, to make me relish some passages, to make me shiver through others and ultimately, to make me understand a lot more about victims of incest. (Throughout the book, she also gives her readers statistics, scientific quotes and lots of context.)
This is a compelling book by an outstanding author.

[Gregory Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title “No Letter in Your Pocket” refers to how Heather Conn had planned to write a note to place in her father’s jacket before his funeral, describing the harm that he did to her, and her journey to wholeness and recovery. Her powerful, disturbing memoir charts her childhood sexual abuse by her father, a respected Ontario doctor, how she repressed the abuse, then recovered these memories and processed them, and finally years later, learned to love herself and forgive her father before his death.
This is not an easy subject to to describe, requiring both honesty and a willingness by the writer to share some very personal stories. Conn manages to write sensitively and engagingly about her girlhood trauma, her search for a meaningful romantic relationship, and how she came to terms with her father. One of the book’s most compelling parts is of her quest during her early thirties to find a fulfilling emotional relationship. She takes a sojourn in India, a part of the book which reads like a travelogue, describing the challenges of travelling in India as a solo woman traveller in 1991, and the sometimes comic interludes of cultural misunderstanding and failed romance.
But she also writes sensitively of the spiritual aspect of her travels there and even of the physical challenges of trekking in the remote, mountainous Markha Valley in Ladakh. Ultimately, back on the West Coast where Conn still lives today, she began the long and demanding psychological work to overcome the impact of this childhood incest (and to the great relief of her readers), and found both happiness and a loving partner. She confronts her father and he apologizes and gradually she is able to forgive him. Conn writes, “All incest survivors must decide how, or if, they want to remain in contact with their abusing parent.” Conn feels sympathy for her father, especially at the end of his life when he is dying of a particularly painful multiple myeloma cancer. She remembers the good things that he did for so many people as a health provider, as a mentor to other health professionals, and for their family as a loving though flawed father.
This book will be of immense help to others overcoming similar trauma as Conn shares the resources she used, the books she read, and other resources she discovered. Conn also includes end notes for her chapters with full references to the authors and the statistics she cites –among the more harrowing is of the extensive childhood abuse of young girls in North America which some estimate as high as one in six girls, perhaps even one in every three girls. Ultimately, this memoir leads us to a new understanding of the impact of incest on people, how they may overcome it, and how we can show them empathy and provide assistance.

[Jane Covernton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heather Conn’s new memoir, No Letter in Your Pocket, reads like a good mystery novel in which you know what happened and whodunit, but you are pulled quickly through the book to find out how. In this case, the story is how did a young woman who went on a South Asian luxury vacation with her father, without any conscious clue that he had abused her as a child, come to the knowledge of what happened, got strong enough to confront him, and, as a mature woman eventually to forgive him?

With her skilful writing and steady gaze, Conn tells about her travels alone in India, her lovers, climbing in the Himalayas, being near suicide on a British Columbia island and picking up a hitchhiker who more or less saves her life by staying with her through one of the long nights of the soul. She tells her story without self-pity, weaving in more academic writings about abuse, and comments from her sisters who were unwitting but close witnesses of their family life. She tells about the teachers she had along the way, including Thich Nhat Hanh, and the different healing modalities she tried. In one poignant scene, she is at a yoga retreat and devastated as memories start to return to her. In the end, this is a tragic love story as Conn tells about her marriage to Frank and his death from cancer.

There is a hint that her father may have suffered abuse himself as a child, but Conn never finds out anything and does not speculate. She sticks to her own observations reported objectively, and those of her sisters.

The strength of this memoir is how Conn grapples with paradox: how could a country such as India, with such a rich culture have so many men who almost unconsciously touch and insult and pursue her? How could she love her father and be so angry at him? How could any abuse survivor forgive? She ends the book with this clear-eyed observation: “I have loved and condemned my father. I can live with these contradictions.”

[Caitlin Hicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is a thorough examination of the author's experience as a child under the care of her father & mother, especially the early years when all parents are tasked to keep their children safe. The subtitle of the book "How a Daughter Chose Love and Forgiveness to Heal from Incest" is only part of the journey. In the first part, Heather travels with her father and slowly awakens to 'compelling circumstantial evidence' of the gradual truth: that her father sexually abused her when she was almost too young to remember. The gauntlet Heather throws down for herself is reflected in her early words on a tour of Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore is simply: "Something unknown is troubling me."

Conn takes the rest of the book to uncover, layer by layer her ultimate aha understanding that the troubling thing was the abuse, unspoken yet richly present in her relationship with her father. Heather's childish desire to please her father is still strong, even as she doesn't immediately understand the inappropriateness of his outlook, his treatment of women, his behavior with her.

No Letter in Your Pocket is a work of self-love, a personal journey towards forgiveness and understanding. Without the ultimate 'blame game', Conn shows her genuine affection for her dad, her respect for his accomplishments, her disappointment in his inappropriate behavior. The journey is told in observed details, examination of family photos, an open heart, her encounters with men, among other almost exhaustive examinations of her life. The journey reveals so much more than the confusion of the discoveries of the abuse; it is a spiritual journey towards an understanding of life and of the human condition.

Heather has traced a profound experience of being a human being.

I highly recommend this book, whether or not you have any experience with childhood sexual abuse.

[Petrina Wing · Rating 5 out of 5]

A courageous, heartfelt memoir. This was a truly touching account of one woman’s journey through the anguish of sexual abuse. The author details her struggles as she processes her childhood trauma as a young adult, traveling through India, and then settling on the West Coast of Canada. She finds peace through therapy, meditation, Buddhism. Ultimately she finds the strength to face her abuser, and finds a path of forgiveness.
Highly recommended

[Jane Harrigan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be beautifully written and moving. This courageous account of the author's journey in coming to terms with childhood incest and her healing process was heartrending yet inspirational. This is a valuable read for anyone coming to terms with a traumatic past or wanting to understand and help friends or family members in such a situation.

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was sympathetic to the author’s many issues she discussed in the book.
I found the narrative a bit jumbled as it jumped from philosophical teachings to private memories and then back again.
I hope the author has found peace with her past.
Thanks to MiriLand and NetGalley for the early read.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated the forgiveness aspect that Heather brought to this memoir. Anyone who has experienced childhood trauma, (and who of us escaped childhood unscathed?), will be able to relate to this challenging but important step towards self-healing.

[BJ Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absorbing and, yes, at times harrowing delve into self-awakening. I can’t see how anyone aspiring to be on a path towards healing and forgiveness would not be inspired by the sheer courage it took to write this story.