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The Boy with the Topknot: A Memoir of Love, Secrets and Lies in Wolverhampton
'It's 1979, I'm three years old, and like all breakfast times during my youth it begins with Mum combing my hair, a ritual for which I have to sit down on the second-hand, floral-patterned settee, and lean forward, like I'm presenting myself for execution.' For Sathnam Sanghera, growing up in Wolverhampton in the eighties was a confusing business. On the one hand, these were the heady days of George Michael mix-tapes, Dallas on TV and, if he was lucky, the occasional Bounty Bar. On the other, there was his wardrobe of tartan smocks, his 30p-an-hour job at the local sewing factory and the ongoing challenge of how to tie the perfect top-knot. And then there was his family, whose strange and often difficult behaviour he took for granted until, at the age of twenty-four, Sathnam made a discovery that changed everything he ever thought he knew about them. Equipped with breathtaking courage and a glorious sense of humour, he embarks on a journey into their extraordinary past - from his father's harsh life in rural Punjab to the steps of the Wolverhampton Tourist Office - trying to make sense of a life lived among secrets. This book is published in hardback as "If You Don't Know Me by Now".
336 pages, Paperback
First published March 1, 2008
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About the author
Sathnam Sanghera
14 books258 followersSathnam Sanghera was born to Punjabi parents in the West Midlands in 1976, attended Wolverhampton Grammar School and graduated from Christ’s College, Cambridge with a first class degree in English Language and Literature in 1998. Before becoming a writer he (among other things) worked at a burger chain, a hospital laundry, a market research firm, a sewing factory and a literacy project in New York.
Between 1998 and 2006 he was at The Financial Times, where he worked (variously) as a news reporter in the UK and the US, specialised in writing about the media industries, worked across the paper as Chief Feature Writer, and wrote an award-winning weekly business column. Sathnam joined The Times as a columnist and feature writer in 2007, reviews cars for Management Today and has presented a number of radio documentaries for the BBC.
Sathnam’s first book, The Boy With The Topknot: A Memoir of Love, Secrets and Lies in Wolverhampton, was shortlisted for the 2008 Costa Biography Award, the 2009 PEN/Ackerley Prize and named 2009 Mind Book of the Year. His novel, Marriage Material, has been shortlisted for a 2014 South Bank Sky Arts Award and a 2013 Costa Book Award, been longlisted for the 2014 Desmond Elliot Prize, picked by The Sunday Times, The Observer and Metro as one of the novels of 2013, and is being developed as a multi-part TV drama by Kudos.
He has won numerous prizes for his journalism, including Article of the Year in the 2005 Management Today Writing Awards, Newspaper Feature of the Year in the 2005 Workworld Media Awards, HR Journalist of the Year in the 2006 and 2009 Watson Wyatt Awards for Excellence and the accolade of Young Journalist of the Year at the British Press Awards in 2002.
He was awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Letters for services to journalism by The University of Wolverhampton in September 2009 and a President’s Medal by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in 2010, while GQ Magazine named him as one of “The Men of Next 25 years” in 2013, with writer Jonathan Coe saying that “whether he’s writing autobiography or fiction, Sathnam is busy carving out his own literary niche – in the multicultural British Midlands – which he explores with incredible grace, generosity and humour”.
The Boy With The Topknot, was originally published by Penguin in hardback as If You Don’t Know Me By Now. He is trustee and board chair for Creative Access, a charity which helps find internships in the creative industries for talented young people from under-represented backgrounds. He lives in London.
Between 1998 and 2006 he was at The Financial Times, where he worked (variously) as a news reporter in the UK and the US, specialised in writing about the media industries, worked across the paper as Chief Feature Writer, and wrote an award-winning weekly business column. Sathnam joined The Times as a columnist and feature writer in 2007, reviews cars for Management Today and has presented a number of radio documentaries for the BBC.
Sathnam’s first book, The Boy With The Topknot: A Memoir of Love, Secrets and Lies in Wolverhampton, was shortlisted for the 2008 Costa Biography Award, the 2009 PEN/Ackerley Prize and named 2009 Mind Book of the Year. His novel, Marriage Material, has been shortlisted for a 2014 South Bank Sky Arts Award and a 2013 Costa Book Award, been longlisted for the 2014 Desmond Elliot Prize, picked by The Sunday Times, The Observer and Metro as one of the novels of 2013, and is being developed as a multi-part TV drama by Kudos.
He has won numerous prizes for his journalism, including Article of the Year in the 2005 Management Today Writing Awards, Newspaper Feature of the Year in the 2005 Workworld Media Awards, HR Journalist of the Year in the 2006 and 2009 Watson Wyatt Awards for Excellence and the accolade of Young Journalist of the Year at the British Press Awards in 2002.
He was awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Letters for services to journalism by The University of Wolverhampton in September 2009 and a President’s Medal by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in 2010, while GQ Magazine named him as one of “The Men of Next 25 years” in 2013, with writer Jonathan Coe saying that “whether he’s writing autobiography or fiction, Sathnam is busy carving out his own literary niche – in the multicultural British Midlands – which he explores with incredible grace, generosity and humour”.
The Boy With The Topknot, was originally published by Penguin in hardback as If You Don’t Know Me By Now. He is trustee and board chair for Creative Access, a charity which helps find internships in the creative industries for talented young people from under-represented backgrounds. He lives in London.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 283 reviews
December 10, 2018
This is a book about integration of the parts of a life into a whole. The first strand is his parents' traditional outlook and the author's upbringing as a Sikh in a Punjabi community in Wolverhampton. The Punjabis live in this modern city but are scarcely part of it, maintaining their own language, culture, food, religion and rules that are as strong as laws.
The second strand is the author's desire to be a modern man, Cambridge-educated, aspiring to the middle class from the poverty of his home with a love of fast fancy cars that are as far away from the ox-cars of the poor, Asian village his parents grew up in as the ISS is to us.
The third strand is the schizophrenia of his father and sister, Half a household, two thirds when he left home, are plagued by an illness characterised by not having a shared frame of reference with the un-mad world. No matter what other effects the disordered mind has on the sufferer, that is the barrier to communication of even an ordinary kind.
The fourth strand is the author's mother. She is a very devout and tradition-minded woman who cares for the sick and tries hard to lay aside her prejudices and religion-based attitudes to accept her much-beloved son, the author, and his life. They have a world of their own together, but all elements must combine for the mother and the author to fully participate in each other's lives. How the author does this is the story he writes.
The second strand is the author's desire to be a modern man, Cambridge-educated, aspiring to the middle class from the poverty of his home with a love of fast fancy cars that are as far away from the ox-cars of the poor, Asian village his parents grew up in as the ISS is to us.
The third strand is the schizophrenia of his father and sister, Half a household, two thirds when he left home, are plagued by an illness characterised by not having a shared frame of reference with the un-mad world. No matter what other effects the disordered mind has on the sufferer, that is the barrier to communication of even an ordinary kind.
The fourth strand is the author's mother. She is a very devout and tradition-minded woman who cares for the sick and tries hard to lay aside her prejudices and religion-based attitudes to accept her much-beloved son, the author, and his life. They have a world of their own together, but all elements must combine for the mother and the author to fully participate in each other's lives. How the author does this is the story he writes.
October 15, 2020
This book was full of surprises, as it morphs from one sphere of experience into another. It starts out with a fairly jokey and self-deprecating description of Sanghera's successful and trendy lifestyle in London. He works for a major newspaper (The Times), attends dinner parties with clever friends, has various girlfriends - some of them white - and at one stage even mentions test driving a Porsche.
Then we move onto the second reality, when he drives up to Wolverhampton to see his family. His parents can't speak English, and their lives seem very much to be a continuation of the Sikh Punjabi farming culture that they originally came from. He describes his mother as seeped in tradition. She wants to arrange a marriage for him, not only to a Sikh girl, but one from the right caste too. This is a major issue for Sanghera, and it forms the backbone of the book. He is frightened to let his mother know how far he has moved from Sikh traditions in his London lifestyle - and particularly he wants to be free to date and marry anyone to whom he is attracted. Towards the end of the book he says something interesting about his mother.
"Mum is such a strong presence in her world, but out of context she always looks vulnerable."
To the reader, when he first goes up Wolverhampton, we see her as quite a vulnerable figure - enmeshed with ideas that are perhaps quite removed from our own. Sanghera's fear of telling her about his dating history and goals seem odd. All the cards seem stacked in his favour - this glamorous Oxbridge graduate working for a major paper - why can't he just tell his mother that he will date and marry whoever he wants to?
But then we come to the third reality. We get a picture of Sanghera's childhood, a boy growing up with three siblings in a happy family, and slowly we learn of the huge role his mother has played in creating this environment for all of them. It was only when he was 24, that he realised that his father had schizophrenia. His mother worked incredibly hard in a sewing factory and at home, in order to bring in money. Then after achieving 9 O-levels, his older sister Puli got schizophrenia too, but due largely to the presence of his mother, family life continued on an even keel. His mother was obviously a great source of strength in the family.
Some of the book is devoted to Sanghera's research into Sikh Punjabi culture in the UK, some looks at schizophrenia - most of all trying to find out more about his father's history with the illness. The book ends with Sanghera coming out to his mother about his life in London, and saying that he doesn't want an arranged marriage. The process is enormously freeing. He also talks to various members of his family about what has happened, and has conversations with his sister Puli about how her life as worked out.
At the beginning the book was all about secrets and cultural differences, and at the end it was about honesty and building bridges. One senses that Sanghera now has a much closer relationship with his family.
In 2009 the book was awarded MIND book of the year. MIND is the biggest mental health charity in the UK.
Then we move onto the second reality, when he drives up to Wolverhampton to see his family. His parents can't speak English, and their lives seem very much to be a continuation of the Sikh Punjabi farming culture that they originally came from. He describes his mother as seeped in tradition. She wants to arrange a marriage for him, not only to a Sikh girl, but one from the right caste too. This is a major issue for Sanghera, and it forms the backbone of the book. He is frightened to let his mother know how far he has moved from Sikh traditions in his London lifestyle - and particularly he wants to be free to date and marry anyone to whom he is attracted. Towards the end of the book he says something interesting about his mother.
"Mum is such a strong presence in her world, but out of context she always looks vulnerable."
To the reader, when he first goes up Wolverhampton, we see her as quite a vulnerable figure - enmeshed with ideas that are perhaps quite removed from our own. Sanghera's fear of telling her about his dating history and goals seem odd. All the cards seem stacked in his favour - this glamorous Oxbridge graduate working for a major paper - why can't he just tell his mother that he will date and marry whoever he wants to?
But then we come to the third reality. We get a picture of Sanghera's childhood, a boy growing up with three siblings in a happy family, and slowly we learn of the huge role his mother has played in creating this environment for all of them. It was only when he was 24, that he realised that his father had schizophrenia. His mother worked incredibly hard in a sewing factory and at home, in order to bring in money. Then after achieving 9 O-levels, his older sister Puli got schizophrenia too, but due largely to the presence of his mother, family life continued on an even keel. His mother was obviously a great source of strength in the family.
Some of the book is devoted to Sanghera's research into Sikh Punjabi culture in the UK, some looks at schizophrenia - most of all trying to find out more about his father's history with the illness. The book ends with Sanghera coming out to his mother about his life in London, and saying that he doesn't want an arranged marriage. The process is enormously freeing. He also talks to various members of his family about what has happened, and has conversations with his sister Puli about how her life as worked out.
At the beginning the book was all about secrets and cultural differences, and at the end it was about honesty and building bridges. One senses that Sanghera now has a much closer relationship with his family.
In 2009 the book was awarded MIND book of the year. MIND is the biggest mental health charity in the UK.
August 14, 2011
A mixed bag book of a book. The first few chapters were so self indulgent and trite that I would have stopped reading if it hadn't been highly recommended by my sister. Anyway I stuck it through to the end and realized there are three books here which evoked very different reactions.
The first is Sanghera's personal misery-memoir. The whole source of his misery seems to be his (perceived) misfortune in being born a brown sikh working class lad from Wolverhampton rather rather than white Church of England middleclass public school boy from Cheltenham. He equates being sikh with being working class poor in north England. Much of what he writes about - never being in restaurant or having a bath - has been written before by white working class writers. Sanghera has a degree in English Literature from Cambridge so he's probably more familiar with those authors than I am. The reminisces - his George Michael obsession, alloo-gobi paranthas in his lunch as opposed to white bread sandwiches, setting up a bank - are cute but a bit random, more suited to a conversation than a book; they evoked a "so what?" response. I think my negative reactions arose because I perceived a certain dishonesty in the writing; decrying his background while capitalizing on the Unique Selling Point of being a brown sikh in his circle of non-Punjabi, mostly white friends and girlfriends. Sanghera comes across as a supercilious self-satisfied snob. If this was all there was I would give this book one star ... BUT
The second 'book' is the story of his father and sister's schizophrenia and his investigation into his parents marriage. His descriptions of his parents marriage and their troubles, his dealings with the doctor etc are well written and honest with a nice touch of self-deprecating humour. Three stars for this story.
The third 'book' is about his relationship with his mother. This is wonderfully done; the anecdotes and stories are charming and speak volumes. She makes him two extra chappatis than he asks for because she knew he would always ask for fewer than he wanted; he asks for fewer than he wants because he knows she will always give an extra two. Her refusal to sit on the leather seats until he tells her it will cost money to change to a new rental car. How he misses important things she says because she slips them in long boring monologues about falling standards in supermarkets and such like. The love and respect he has are always present. I loved reading these sections. Four stars (I'd give it 5 except for that letter).
So putting it all together, three stars. I'm glad I read it through to the end. When he started trying to understand his family instead of being ashamed/embarassed by them I got over my bad reaction to the opening chapters, and I really liked him by end of the book. He seemed to have understood some very profound truths about families, not just his own but about families in general.
The first is Sanghera's personal misery-memoir. The whole source of his misery seems to be his (perceived) misfortune in being born a brown sikh working class lad from Wolverhampton rather rather than white Church of England middleclass public school boy from Cheltenham. He equates being sikh with being working class poor in north England. Much of what he writes about - never being in restaurant or having a bath - has been written before by white working class writers. Sanghera has a degree in English Literature from Cambridge so he's probably more familiar with those authors than I am. The reminisces - his George Michael obsession, alloo-gobi paranthas in his lunch as opposed to white bread sandwiches, setting up a bank - are cute but a bit random, more suited to a conversation than a book; they evoked a "so what?" response. I think my negative reactions arose because I perceived a certain dishonesty in the writing; decrying his background while capitalizing on the Unique Selling Point of being a brown sikh in his circle of non-Punjabi, mostly white friends and girlfriends. Sanghera comes across as a supercilious self-satisfied snob. If this was all there was I would give this book one star ... BUT
The second 'book' is the story of his father and sister's schizophrenia and his investigation into his parents marriage. His descriptions of his parents marriage and their troubles, his dealings with the doctor etc are well written and honest with a nice touch of self-deprecating humour. Three stars for this story.
The third 'book' is about his relationship with his mother. This is wonderfully done; the anecdotes and stories are charming and speak volumes. She makes him two extra chappatis than he asks for because she knew he would always ask for fewer than he wanted; he asks for fewer than he wants because he knows she will always give an extra two. Her refusal to sit on the leather seats until he tells her it will cost money to change to a new rental car. How he misses important things she says because she slips them in long boring monologues about falling standards in supermarkets and such like. The love and respect he has are always present. I loved reading these sections. Four stars (I'd give it 5 except for that letter).
So putting it all together, three stars. I'm glad I read it through to the end. When he started trying to understand his family instead of being ashamed/embarassed by them I got over my bad reaction to the opening chapters, and I really liked him by end of the book. He seemed to have understood some very profound truths about families, not just his own but about families in general.
June 24, 2011
I had expected this memoir to be focused entirely on Sanghera's experiences in reconciling his life in London with the culture and traditional values that he had grown up with and which are still held by his parents and extended family. His account of he and his siblings having to conceal their pop music and other Western items reminded me of Lane Kim from The Gilmore Girls. Certainly it was a moving, often funny account of his growing up in the 1980s.
However, the major theme of a family coping with severe mental illness and Sanghera's attempts to understand schizophrenia came as a real surprise. Even though secrets are mentioned on the back cover blurb as well as the subtitle; there was no outward clue that the memoir deals with mental health issues. In 2009 it was named MIND's Book of the Year; an accolade awarded to the best literary contributions to raising awareness around issues of mental distress. In accepting the award, the author said "there are hardly any books about Asian communities’ experiences of mental health problems, so I hope people read this book and it leads to more understanding.”I am sure that it will.
Overall, I found this a wonderful book. It was sad and shocking at times, though never became a misery memoir. It was also frank, moving and funny. It certainly gave me a greater understanding of another culture and religion that exists alongside my own. In addition, I found it an intelligent and compassionate account of this much misunderstood mental illnesses that can effect anyone no matter their cultural background.
I was very grateful to our local librarian for choosing it for our reading group. It generated a great deal of discussion.
However, the major theme of a family coping with severe mental illness and Sanghera's attempts to understand schizophrenia came as a real surprise. Even though secrets are mentioned on the back cover blurb as well as the subtitle; there was no outward clue that the memoir deals with mental health issues. In 2009 it was named MIND's Book of the Year; an accolade awarded to the best literary contributions to raising awareness around issues of mental distress. In accepting the award, the author said "there are hardly any books about Asian communities’ experiences of mental health problems, so I hope people read this book and it leads to more understanding.”I am sure that it will.
Overall, I found this a wonderful book. It was sad and shocking at times, though never became a misery memoir. It was also frank, moving and funny. It certainly gave me a greater understanding of another culture and religion that exists alongside my own. In addition, I found it an intelligent and compassionate account of this much misunderstood mental illnesses that can effect anyone no matter their cultural background.
I was very grateful to our local librarian for choosing it for our reading group. It generated a great deal of discussion.
August 21, 2024
This was an amazing insight into the author's upbringing in Wolverhampton and Sikh culture in general. At times very disturbing, at times extremely funny and at times thought provoking the reader is taken on a rollercoaster of emotions. A very good read overall and thoroughly recommended.
April 21, 2018
I first heard of this book not long after its release and the first thing that caught my interest is that it is by someone, Sathnam Sanghera, who is from a similar background as myself, someone born to immigrant parents from Punjab, India, settled in the West Midlands area of the UK. Like many children of immigrants, there's a constant struggle between the traditional culture of the parents and adapting to the norms of the wider culture, and in this case, I was sure there would be many things I would find similar to my own experience of growing up in a similar environment. However, I was less keen on reading this book when I saw it was a memoir, a work of non-fiction. I have never really been keen on reading memoirs, the cynical part of me sees them as an excuse for the author to make a bit of extra money by telling a story of their life, something many famous people can be accused of, such as actors, politicians, sports people, celebrities, etc. So a memoir by a journalist of my own age range didn't have me immediately reaching for it.
Last year the BBC produced a drama based on this book, I could see certain aspects of the story had been altered for the dramatisation, this got me interested in the book again, so I recently got myself a copy to read it for myself.
There are two stories within this book: the first is the author struggling to balance his own lifestyle choices in contrast to the demands placed on him by his traditional Punjabi family; and the second is that of mental illness in his family, first affecting his father, and then his elder sister.
Talking about the latter story first: this is an excellent insight into traditional Punjabi culture, specifically, how you do not talk about problems, as if not talking about them means no problems exist, I'm sure such denial is shared with many other cultures. What makes things a little more difficult in this case is that the first generation of Punjabi immigrants to the UK was poorly educated if at all, spoke little or no English, and struggled to fit in the wider UK society. This resulted in these British Punjabis creating their own culture based on the traditional culture they had been used to in rural Punjab. One aspect of this traditional culture is the constant obsession people have with worrying what other members of their community will think of their actions. It's also interesting to note how, on one hand, Punjabis may hold strong religious beliefs which are against drinking alcohol, as well as promoting equality and tolerance, yet on the other hand, Punjabis have a reputation for being big drinkers and will openly discriminate on the grounds of gender, social status, race, religion, etc. So, being raised in such an environment would explain why the author grew up, the youngest of four children, with little knowledge of many of the problems affecting the family, especially anything to do with mental illness. Mental illness is rarely openly discussed in Punjabi culture, few people are willing to admit to such problems, often fearing the reaction of other members of the community who may shun them, as if mental illness is a contagious disease which you can easily catch off someone. It's often far easier to explain mental illness as something caused by black magic, which means someone is to blame for casting this evil spell. The author has to use all of his skills as a journalist in order to learn about certain events in his family history, which is far from easy when many of the facts appear to be contradictory.
As for the other story in the book: the cynical side of me seems to be justified in its dislike of memoirs. I get the impression that the author feels a sense of guilt for some of his lifestyle choices over the years and is simply trying to justify to himself that his actions are wholly justified, despite what his traditional parents might think. People who inhabit in two cultures often find themselves having to choose between one or the other, such a decision may not be easy, balancing one's own happiness against the family's happiness. However, what I do find wrong is when someone decides to lead a double life, based on lying to people, which allows them to inhabit both worlds where the two lives never meet. A life based on lies is not something which should ever be encouraged as it will inevitably hurt many people involved. If we are more concerned with choosing a life which is based on pleasing others than we are with our happiness, then we can't complain if we are unhappy afterwards. If we choose a life based on pursuing our own happiness, then there is no reason to feel guilty if it upsets anyone close to us. It seems that the author wanted a life where everyone, including himself, was happy, but gradually realised this wasn't going to happen. So, he didn't choose to pursue a life based on his own happiness as he was already enjoying such a life, but he chose to stop trying to please others. Such a choice doesn't sound like an earth-shattering event. And all of the author's attempts to justify his decision seem like an attempt to justify to himself his years of lying.
Overall, this book is full of wit, and is well-written, making it an enjoyable read. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in learning more about what it was like to grow up in the UK as children of Punjabi immigrants.
Last year the BBC produced a drama based on this book, I could see certain aspects of the story had been altered for the dramatisation, this got me interested in the book again, so I recently got myself a copy to read it for myself.
There are two stories within this book: the first is the author struggling to balance his own lifestyle choices in contrast to the demands placed on him by his traditional Punjabi family; and the second is that of mental illness in his family, first affecting his father, and then his elder sister.
Talking about the latter story first: this is an excellent insight into traditional Punjabi culture, specifically, how you do not talk about problems, as if not talking about them means no problems exist, I'm sure such denial is shared with many other cultures. What makes things a little more difficult in this case is that the first generation of Punjabi immigrants to the UK was poorly educated if at all, spoke little or no English, and struggled to fit in the wider UK society. This resulted in these British Punjabis creating their own culture based on the traditional culture they had been used to in rural Punjab. One aspect of this traditional culture is the constant obsession people have with worrying what other members of their community will think of their actions. It's also interesting to note how, on one hand, Punjabis may hold strong religious beliefs which are against drinking alcohol, as well as promoting equality and tolerance, yet on the other hand, Punjabis have a reputation for being big drinkers and will openly discriminate on the grounds of gender, social status, race, religion, etc. So, being raised in such an environment would explain why the author grew up, the youngest of four children, with little knowledge of many of the problems affecting the family, especially anything to do with mental illness. Mental illness is rarely openly discussed in Punjabi culture, few people are willing to admit to such problems, often fearing the reaction of other members of the community who may shun them, as if mental illness is a contagious disease which you can easily catch off someone. It's often far easier to explain mental illness as something caused by black magic, which means someone is to blame for casting this evil spell. The author has to use all of his skills as a journalist in order to learn about certain events in his family history, which is far from easy when many of the facts appear to be contradictory.
As for the other story in the book: the cynical side of me seems to be justified in its dislike of memoirs. I get the impression that the author feels a sense of guilt for some of his lifestyle choices over the years and is simply trying to justify to himself that his actions are wholly justified, despite what his traditional parents might think. People who inhabit in two cultures often find themselves having to choose between one or the other, such a decision may not be easy, balancing one's own happiness against the family's happiness. However, what I do find wrong is when someone decides to lead a double life, based on lying to people, which allows them to inhabit both worlds where the two lives never meet. A life based on lies is not something which should ever be encouraged as it will inevitably hurt many people involved. If we are more concerned with choosing a life which is based on pleasing others than we are with our happiness, then we can't complain if we are unhappy afterwards. If we choose a life based on pursuing our own happiness, then there is no reason to feel guilty if it upsets anyone close to us. It seems that the author wanted a life where everyone, including himself, was happy, but gradually realised this wasn't going to happen. So, he didn't choose to pursue a life based on his own happiness as he was already enjoying such a life, but he chose to stop trying to please others. Such a choice doesn't sound like an earth-shattering event. And all of the author's attempts to justify his decision seem like an attempt to justify to himself his years of lying.
Overall, this book is full of wit, and is well-written, making it an enjoyable read. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in learning more about what it was like to grow up in the UK as children of Punjabi immigrants.
April 9, 2015
Satnam Sanghera has risen from the boy with no English in ordinary Wolverhampton school to a respected journalist on a national paper. Yet who of his school mates would know that each day he was going home to a family plagued by mental illness. This memoir must have taken a lot of courage to write not only on Satnam's part but on the part of the family who gave him permission to write. Others have said, and I agree that it was "unputdownable" and certainly had me glued to the page, but unusually for me I immediately gave my copy away as I though it too important to stay on my shelves! A book that challenges ignorance both about our multi- faceted community and about mental illness.
October 22, 2021
Early on in this book, the writer says he wanted to avoid writing a’misery memoir’ and, by and large, he does avoid it, mainly through his use of humour.
The book veers between Sathnam Sanghera’s struggles as he tries to cope with a clash of cultures as he grows up and the bombshell discovery, in his twenties, that his father has suffered from schizophrenia for most of his life - a condition that one of his sisters also suffers from. In addition to all of this, there is a very interesting debate about how one researches and writes about ones family. How you talk to your parents about very difficult and painful past experiences.
The book veers between Sathnam Sanghera’s struggles as he tries to cope with a clash of cultures as he grows up and the bombshell discovery, in his twenties, that his father has suffered from schizophrenia for most of his life - a condition that one of his sisters also suffers from. In addition to all of this, there is a very interesting debate about how one researches and writes about ones family. How you talk to your parents about very difficult and painful past experiences.
February 4, 2024
Well this was unexpected!
What I thought would be entirely focused around experiences of growing up as a Sikh in Wolverhampton - a much reviled English town, where I have family - in the eighties and nineties, ended up being a tale interwoven with schizophrenia, domestic abuse, alcoholism, culture clashes and a fear of ostracism.
Now that may sound pretty bleak and, while there were moments that were tough to read, Sanghera's narrative voice prevented it from becoming overwhelmingly despairing.
For in amongst the family secrets and revelations, there's also a story of humour, of celebration, of personal growth, and about recognising the inherent value of people and acknowledging that everyone's stories deserve to be told.
Really, this memoir is an urge for openness and understanding, and a ultimately a love letter to family devoid of schmaltz, yet full of compassion.
A joy to read.
What I thought would be entirely focused around experiences of growing up as a Sikh in Wolverhampton - a much reviled English town, where I have family - in the eighties and nineties, ended up being a tale interwoven with schizophrenia, domestic abuse, alcoholism, culture clashes and a fear of ostracism.
Now that may sound pretty bleak and, while there were moments that were tough to read, Sanghera's narrative voice prevented it from becoming overwhelmingly despairing.
For in amongst the family secrets and revelations, there's also a story of humour, of celebration, of personal growth, and about recognising the inherent value of people and acknowledging that everyone's stories deserve to be told.
Really, this memoir is an urge for openness and understanding, and a ultimately a love letter to family devoid of schmaltz, yet full of compassion.
A joy to read.
January 16, 2020
Very interesting book about the life of an Indian man in London. I particularly enjoyed the way he talked about the mental illness of his relatives and the dilemma he had to face about living his life the way he wanted knowing his mother would disapprove.
October 23, 2019
Fascinating memoir of the author's youth in his Punjabi Sikh family in Wolverhampton. Part of the memoir relates to his happy childhood, his frustration with the constraints of the traditional customs of his family, and his adult life as a journalist in London, where he continue to try (often unsuccessfully) to keep his two lives separate. Sanghera speaks warmly, with a dry and self-deprecating humour, of family members, of his mother's attempts to find him a nice Sikh wife, of Wolverhampton and of his often childish naïveté about life in general. These parts are charming and amusing, and we often share the author's irritation and bewilderment.
However, there is also a darker side to the memoir, which is very skilfully developed from early (and quickly suppressed) moments of unease about his father's quirky behaviour to the earth shattering discovery of serious mental illness in the family, and its knock-on effects on all those it touches, particularly his feared and adored mother. It is a story of shame and incomprehension, and Sanghera brilliantly and sensitively documents and challenges the attitudes that had made a difficult situation almost tragically unbearable.
I really loved this tragicomic memoir, it was engaging and thought-provoking, and very well written too. It would have been easy to be flippant, cruel or self-pitying at certain points, but instead I found it thoughtful and affectionate and a joy to read.
However, there is also a darker side to the memoir, which is very skilfully developed from early (and quickly suppressed) moments of unease about his father's quirky behaviour to the earth shattering discovery of serious mental illness in the family, and its knock-on effects on all those it touches, particularly his feared and adored mother. It is a story of shame and incomprehension, and Sanghera brilliantly and sensitively documents and challenges the attitudes that had made a difficult situation almost tragically unbearable.
I really loved this tragicomic memoir, it was engaging and thought-provoking, and very well written too. It would have been easy to be flippant, cruel or self-pitying at certain points, but instead I found it thoughtful and affectionate and a joy to read.
December 27, 2016
I think one of the main reasons I read is to be informed, not by reading dry non-fiction books, but by reading fiction. Most of the books I have loved are set in different places or different times.
However, Sanghera's book is non-fiction, but has the pace and grip of a novel. I found myself rooting for him as I would any other character and am in awe of his ability to write this way as well as his courage to be so honest.
A thoroughly enjoyable, and informative, read.
However, Sanghera's book is non-fiction, but has the pace and grip of a novel. I found myself rooting for him as I would any other character and am in awe of his ability to write this way as well as his courage to be so honest.
A thoroughly enjoyable, and informative, read.
April 6, 2024
This was a re-read of this book which I read a couple of years ago. Listening to it this time, rather than reading, didn’t diminish its’ impact as a powerful memoir by Sathnam Sanghera.
The book still evokes memories of growing up in Wolverhampton and had a strong sense of place. I really felt for him whilst he was tracking down evidence of his father’s medical records and the effect that it had on the wider family. I’m going to read more by this author.
The book still evokes memories of growing up in Wolverhampton and had a strong sense of place. I really felt for him whilst he was tracking down evidence of his father’s medical records and the effect that it had on the wider family. I’m going to read more by this author.
December 6, 2021
I was really disappointed with this book, after having heard a lot of great things about it.
There are chapters where he deals with his family’s mental health illnesses in a good way, and in a way that many South Asian communities don’t do enough of.
However, a lot of his writing about his personal stories are written for white readers to understand his experiences (but unfortunately written in a way that makes it seem that his experience and views are the norm) and British Asians who kept white friendship circles and were dismissive of their heritage/culture.
This was written for white readers so that the author could show his white friends the supposed barriers he faced to put British culture ahead of Punjabi Sikh culture.
There seems to be a lot of ignorant stereotyping about Indian immigrants and Punjabi “traditions” outside of his family, starting off with a story about being horrible about a taxi driver who just wanted a conversation in a shared language. This is a really horrible outlook to have considering that his mum doesn’t speak English, you’d expect some level of sympathy or consideration that a taxi driver maybe just wants a conversation in his native tongue after a long day of speaking a second language or no human conversation, but instead the author spends that time looking down at him and that he should learn the language if he comes to England, whilst not knowing what the driver’s English proficiency is.
Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone walks away from this book without seeing the author/main character as ignorant.
Remember that this is his personal memoir, and is far from being representative of British Punjabi experiences.
There are chapters where he deals with his family’s mental health illnesses in a good way, and in a way that many South Asian communities don’t do enough of.
However, a lot of his writing about his personal stories are written for white readers to understand his experiences (but unfortunately written in a way that makes it seem that his experience and views are the norm) and British Asians who kept white friendship circles and were dismissive of their heritage/culture.
This was written for white readers so that the author could show his white friends the supposed barriers he faced to put British culture ahead of Punjabi Sikh culture.
There seems to be a lot of ignorant stereotyping about Indian immigrants and Punjabi “traditions” outside of his family, starting off with a story about being horrible about a taxi driver who just wanted a conversation in a shared language. This is a really horrible outlook to have considering that his mum doesn’t speak English, you’d expect some level of sympathy or consideration that a taxi driver maybe just wants a conversation in his native tongue after a long day of speaking a second language or no human conversation, but instead the author spends that time looking down at him and that he should learn the language if he comes to England, whilst not knowing what the driver’s English proficiency is.
Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone walks away from this book without seeing the author/main character as ignorant.
Remember that this is his personal memoir, and is far from being representative of British Punjabi experiences.
December 31, 2017
Overall I enjoyed this book. I am also a 1st generation Brit with parents from Punjab. I identified with all the anguish, awkwardness and cultural clashes Satnam endured. He writes well and is very entertaining resulting in some laugh out louds late at night.
However I found it did not address or really go beyond just touching on the inherent sexism and misogyny in Punjabi culture. He does mention the differences between how his life has worked out and how his eldest sister’s has worked out but the difference is so stark it warranted more of a discussion. As a female I found it infuriating. Relationships between Punjabi daughters and their mothers do not generally end in a cute letter sent one way and virtually unconditional acceptance.
I was also shocked and disappointed that he did not call out his mother in any big way when she said he could marry a ‘gori’ but not a ‘churi or chamari’. Is this not gross racism?
Also I’m not sure why all the anti-doctor sentiment peppered throughout the book?
Overall a funny and entertaining read, a lot of which I could identify with but I felt a daughter in the same family writing her story would result in a totally different book.
However I found it did not address or really go beyond just touching on the inherent sexism and misogyny in Punjabi culture. He does mention the differences between how his life has worked out and how his eldest sister’s has worked out but the difference is so stark it warranted more of a discussion. As a female I found it infuriating. Relationships between Punjabi daughters and their mothers do not generally end in a cute letter sent one way and virtually unconditional acceptance.
I was also shocked and disappointed that he did not call out his mother in any big way when she said he could marry a ‘gori’ but not a ‘churi or chamari’. Is this not gross racism?
Also I’m not sure why all the anti-doctor sentiment peppered throughout the book?
Overall a funny and entertaining read, a lot of which I could identify with but I felt a daughter in the same family writing her story would result in a totally different book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 7, 2020
The Boy With the Top Knot is the true story of a boy called Sathnam and his big brother and two sisters and their Mum and Dad growing up on a terraced house in Wolverhampton in the 1980s. It’s a story about the stories that still aren’t told enough: about mental illness, about community and about finding yourself. All set against a soundtrack of George Michael. It's a glorious and multi award-winning memoir of love, secrets and lies in Wolverhampton - he's the same age as me and it is one of the texts that helped me give myself permisison to write Maggie & Me. The TV adaptation is very wroth a watch though, necessarily, different from the book. I am excited to read EmpireLand. I interviewed Sathnam on my bokos tv show the Big Scottish Book Club and yuo can find it on BBC iPlayer. Happy reading!
December 13, 2015
An interesting (at times) insight into the life of the 1960s Indian immigrants into Britain.
However, the two star rating is mainly because I couldn't warm to the authors character
However, the two star rating is mainly because I couldn't warm to the authors character
August 31, 2019
A very enjoyable and well written memoir that gives a great insight into life as a British Indian who has embraced a western lifestyle but still has respect for his parents tradition values.
August 26, 2020
This book is about the challenge of integrating two completely different lives and Sathnam’s sense of himself. He says in a video of himself on his own website that every time he thought about his other life, his past, when he was living in London, he felt sick, felt a sense of vertigo and just couldn’t make sense of it. He avoided thinking about his past life – which explains why he did not find out until by accident at the age of 25 that his father was schizophrenic.
The core of the book seems to be about Sathnam saying to his mother that he needs to be allowed to be himself in this cross cultural web and decide his own destiny and not go along any longer with the pretence that he will marry a Sikh. He says in the video that he has fifty-four first cousins and pretty much all of them have gone along with convention and an arranged marriage.
Sathnam says: “I knew that in the event of a confrontation with my Mum she would say that if you knew what I’d been through you wouldn’t do this, which is the kind of universal cry of the emotionally blackmailing cry of mums across the world. So I thought, you know what, I will find out exactly what you went through…”
It is as much about this as about the more dramatic dark secret of schizophrenia – from which his mother protected him to allow him his childhood. Of course these dark secrets may be desperately mundane and managed in a twilight world of drug treatment, long term unemployment and daytime live TV coverage of Parliament.
Sathnam carries through this theme by successfully communicating with his mother – she appears on the video speaking Punjabi explaining that when he gave her the letter and she read it she realised she had been overly strict and she now feels that he should marry who he wants to.
Sathnam is very interested in his relationship with his mother – he wrote an article recently about taking his mother on a led walk specifically organised for ethnic minorities in the countryside, describing her puzzlement about why the moorland wasn’t farmed and put to good use and her reluctant enjoyment of it. He is exploring his mother’s life – what she went through – more than his father’s experience.
This includes her experience of violent assaults by his father in his initially chaotic unmedicated schizophrenic episodes, when his father’s relatives assumed – and continued assuming for years – that he assaulted her because there was something wrong with her, that she was a witch who had jinxed him.
You feel the book has enabled the family to come out of themselves – their experience is legitimate. “The book has made all of us appreciate each other much more. It has made all that we’ve been through, our story, our relationships much more transparent.”
In between the crisis of Sathnam’s late twenties, trying to re-establish his relationship with his family to find out who they really are, and to establish a balance between the media London he has flung himself into and his Wolverhampton Sikh roots, in between all that we experience the noise and colour of Sathnam and his siblings growing up. They are obsessed by pop music and haircuts, taking their father’s stangeness for granted just like the dodgy wallpaper. Sathnam was extraordinary it seems. He wrote recently about how he and his brother wrote and won a caption competition to participate in a live Michael Jackson performance, and flew all the way to the US, courtesy of Jackson, to take part. To enter the competition, to win – only a true fan could do it.
Sathnam says: “My mum went out of her way to protect me from the worst effects of the disease and whenever something terrible happened, made sure on a very basic level that I wasn’t around, so that my childhood wasn’t affected by any of that stuff. I spent my childhood lost in this kind of fog of cheesey 1980s pop music and had a really happy time. And I wanted the book to be a kind of tribute to my Mum for enabling me to have that remarkably happy childhood in this quite bleak context of severe mental illness.”
The core of the book seems to be about Sathnam saying to his mother that he needs to be allowed to be himself in this cross cultural web and decide his own destiny and not go along any longer with the pretence that he will marry a Sikh. He says in the video that he has fifty-four first cousins and pretty much all of them have gone along with convention and an arranged marriage.
Sathnam says: “I knew that in the event of a confrontation with my Mum she would say that if you knew what I’d been through you wouldn’t do this, which is the kind of universal cry of the emotionally blackmailing cry of mums across the world. So I thought, you know what, I will find out exactly what you went through…”
It is as much about this as about the more dramatic dark secret of schizophrenia – from which his mother protected him to allow him his childhood. Of course these dark secrets may be desperately mundane and managed in a twilight world of drug treatment, long term unemployment and daytime live TV coverage of Parliament.
Sathnam carries through this theme by successfully communicating with his mother – she appears on the video speaking Punjabi explaining that when he gave her the letter and she read it she realised she had been overly strict and she now feels that he should marry who he wants to.
Sathnam is very interested in his relationship with his mother – he wrote an article recently about taking his mother on a led walk specifically organised for ethnic minorities in the countryside, describing her puzzlement about why the moorland wasn’t farmed and put to good use and her reluctant enjoyment of it. He is exploring his mother’s life – what she went through – more than his father’s experience.
This includes her experience of violent assaults by his father in his initially chaotic unmedicated schizophrenic episodes, when his father’s relatives assumed – and continued assuming for years – that he assaulted her because there was something wrong with her, that she was a witch who had jinxed him.
You feel the book has enabled the family to come out of themselves – their experience is legitimate. “The book has made all of us appreciate each other much more. It has made all that we’ve been through, our story, our relationships much more transparent.”
In between the crisis of Sathnam’s late twenties, trying to re-establish his relationship with his family to find out who they really are, and to establish a balance between the media London he has flung himself into and his Wolverhampton Sikh roots, in between all that we experience the noise and colour of Sathnam and his siblings growing up. They are obsessed by pop music and haircuts, taking their father’s stangeness for granted just like the dodgy wallpaper. Sathnam was extraordinary it seems. He wrote recently about how he and his brother wrote and won a caption competition to participate in a live Michael Jackson performance, and flew all the way to the US, courtesy of Jackson, to take part. To enter the competition, to win – only a true fan could do it.
Sathnam says: “My mum went out of her way to protect me from the worst effects of the disease and whenever something terrible happened, made sure on a very basic level that I wasn’t around, so that my childhood wasn’t affected by any of that stuff. I spent my childhood lost in this kind of fog of cheesey 1980s pop music and had a really happy time. And I wanted the book to be a kind of tribute to my Mum for enabling me to have that remarkably happy childhood in this quite bleak context of severe mental illness.”
March 21, 2022
Prefacing this by saying I’ve never been the biggest fan of true story memoirs so I didn’t go into this thinking I’d love it. However, I was very pleasantly surprised.
This book is almost two parts of a story meshed into one. One focuses on Sanghera’s Childhood, the other on Schizophrenia and its effects. I greatly preferred reading about the schizophrenia aspects as Sanghera offered useful and meaningful facts and figures, whilst also showing how it emotionally affected not just the individual but the family as a whole. Some of the accounts, particularly those at the latter half of the book, were heart-wrenching.
I didn’t find it too slow-paced that much - it had a very easy-to-read, informal tone that I enjoyed. Some parts I did find were a little boring from too much unnecessary description, but those were in the childhood-focused parts that I’ve previously mentioned weren’t my favourite sections. I also wasn’t a fan of how it sometimes hopped between past and present out of nowhere, but it was pretty easy getting back on track.
Overall I thought this was a heartbreaking but entertaining read and I’m glad I did read it. It’s encouraged me to delve into more memoirs in the future.
This book is almost two parts of a story meshed into one. One focuses on Sanghera’s Childhood, the other on Schizophrenia and its effects. I greatly preferred reading about the schizophrenia aspects as Sanghera offered useful and meaningful facts and figures, whilst also showing how it emotionally affected not just the individual but the family as a whole. Some of the accounts, particularly those at the latter half of the book, were heart-wrenching.
I didn’t find it too slow-paced that much - it had a very easy-to-read, informal tone that I enjoyed. Some parts I did find were a little boring from too much unnecessary description, but those were in the childhood-focused parts that I’ve previously mentioned weren’t my favourite sections. I also wasn’t a fan of how it sometimes hopped between past and present out of nowhere, but it was pretty easy getting back on track.
Overall I thought this was a heartbreaking but entertaining read and I’m glad I did read it. It’s encouraged me to delve into more memoirs in the future.
February 6, 2022
A family history of a young Punjabi, Indian bride, brought to England to marry a fellow Sikh of the correct caste. A journey of discovery for the, son, a journalist, who embarks on uncovering family secrets that have shaped his upbringing. He wishes to understand the actual people his beloved/annoying parents are.
An insight into Sikh culture; it’s resistance to British influences whilst living in their historical Punjabi world. This patriarchal society tolerates mental illness, hiding it from everyone, either through ignorance or to ‘put on a front’ causes so much sorrow. A description of schizophrenia and it’s effect on the family, how the individual is lost in the illness.
The author finds that memories and perceptions from earlier in life; when revisited are not as they seem. A book that tries to understand differing influences, written in a sympathetic, depreciating and compelling style.
An insight into Sikh culture; it’s resistance to British influences whilst living in their historical Punjabi world. This patriarchal society tolerates mental illness, hiding it from everyone, either through ignorance or to ‘put on a front’ causes so much sorrow. A description of schizophrenia and it’s effect on the family, how the individual is lost in the illness.
The author finds that memories and perceptions from earlier in life; when revisited are not as they seem. A book that tries to understand differing influences, written in a sympathetic, depreciating and compelling style.
September 1, 2025
The most random book I think I’ve ever read. Found this in Greece and my Mum made me read it basically.
I didn’t realise Wolverhampton had a motto “out of darkness cometh light”. How motivational. This book is about a young Sikh boy living in Wolverhampton. Like I said. Most random book I’ve ever read. Also, the headquarters of Poundland is in Wolverhampton. I’m now an expert on Wolverhampton. I’m going to stop saying Wolverhampton now.
It tries to tackle big themes like mental health, culture and identity but somehow still ends up reading like someone’s very long Facebook status. The main guy is extremely unlikeable. Judgey. Misogynistic. Boring. Self-absorbed. I don’t really understand why he felt the need to write an autobiography when nothing really happened. It’s like if I wrote a book about my life — nobody cares.
Didn’t cry.
I didn’t realise Wolverhampton had a motto “out of darkness cometh light”. How motivational. This book is about a young Sikh boy living in Wolverhampton. Like I said. Most random book I’ve ever read. Also, the headquarters of Poundland is in Wolverhampton. I’m now an expert on Wolverhampton. I’m going to stop saying Wolverhampton now.
It tries to tackle big themes like mental health, culture and identity but somehow still ends up reading like someone’s very long Facebook status. The main guy is extremely unlikeable. Judgey. Misogynistic. Boring. Self-absorbed. I don’t really understand why he felt the need to write an autobiography when nothing really happened. It’s like if I wrote a book about my life — nobody cares.
Didn’t cry.
September 17, 2024
Ok first up, adore Assad Zaman narrating audiobooks. I could listen to that man speak all day. So soothing.
This was such a pleasant read. As usual, it's always fascinating to learn about parts of the UK I didn't grow up in, especially interesting when he was a teenager/young adult (around the time period to when I was a child so I could pick out some bits I could relate to). Sathnam's journey from recalling his childhood, to discovering how his memories didn't necessarily align with others accounts of his parents, their relationship with each other and then ultimately his relationship with his mother was super engaging and emotional in the end.
This was such a pleasant read. As usual, it's always fascinating to learn about parts of the UK I didn't grow up in, especially interesting when he was a teenager/young adult (around the time period to when I was a child so I could pick out some bits I could relate to). Sathnam's journey from recalling his childhood, to discovering how his memories didn't necessarily align with others accounts of his parents, their relationship with each other and then ultimately his relationship with his mother was super engaging and emotional in the end.
December 28, 2021
I found this memoir really gripping. The author says he didn't set out to write a misery memoir as though he fears he has ended up doing so but I really don't think he has. Painful experiences are recounted but set within the context of what is essentially a loving and functional home. The book is gripping because it's a real story about real people but it also raises interesting and important issues around multiculturalsim and severe mental illness.
January 2, 2023
My niece, Ruby, gave me this book as a leaving present when I left Australia in October. It is one of her favourite books and I can see why. It is such a sad story about his parents in so many ways but it is so honest and funny in the way that it is told that I smiled a lot when reading it. I loved all the 80s and 90s pop culture references. I would definitely recommend this book as a coming of age novel.
March 17, 2024
I am not a fan of autobiographies - they often are a detailed description of a really bad start in life followed by a list of people to name drop. This did start in similar vein and I though...not again. Three times I started the book. I am glad I did not give up because the further you get into the book the better it becomes. Firstly to chapter 2. It was a book club read which had already been given 5*, so what was I missing? I tried again, got to chapter 3 and thought listening to the Audible version might help. It did, even though the reading was awful, being full of mis-pronunciation and a terrible accent. The more I read, the more I enjoyed the book. The mother's life was dreadful - no English, living with a schizophrenic, poverty and prejudice. The father's life was dreadful - no English, living with schizophrenia, poverty and prejudice. The sister struggled with mental health issues. However throughout this was Sathnam's double life in London and Wolverhampton, with him trying to better himself throughout his own prejudice and ignorance of his situation. A really good read.
September 6, 2025
what a fantastic book, dealing with the subject of mental health, especially a condition like schizophrenia which you never hear about being discussed in Punjabi households even though the condition can affect anyone.
July 11, 2019
I loved this book. Read after listening to an interview with the author on BBC4 Book Club, and watching the movie version on Netflix.
February 12, 2021
A beautiful heartache about family, this memoir made me feel close to home.
Sathnam Sanghera’s natural wit is juxtaposed with his painful life journey, which took me on a voyage of emotions.
Sathnam Sanghera’s natural wit is juxtaposed with his painful life journey, which took me on a voyage of emotions.
May 26, 2022
Heartfelt and interesting, the vulnerability that this author shows in his memoir is truly amazing. It feels like a privilege to have read this. This book was also very witty and entertaining.
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