Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga

by Todd Alexander, Josh Brennan (Narrator)

Once I was the poster boy for corporate success, but now I’m crashing through the bush in a storm in search of a missing pig. How the hell did we end up here?


Todd and Jeff have had enough of the city. Sick of the daily grind and workaday corporate shenanigans, they throw caution to the wind and buy 100 acres in the renowned Hunter Valley wine region, intent on living a golden bucolic life and building a fabulous B&B, where they can offer the joys of country life to heart-weary souls.

Todd will cook, Jeff will renovate. They have a vineyard, they can make wine. They have space, they can grow their own food. They have everything they need to make their dreams come true. How hard can it be?

‘This joyously honest account will make you laugh till it hurts, and you’ll shed more than a few tears while being captivated by Todd, Jeff and their menagerie of loveable animals’
Bradley Trevor Greive AM, international bestselling author of The Blue Day Book and Penguin Bloom

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Humor, Biography, Australia, Book Club, Audiobook

8 pages, Audiobook

Published January 1, 2019

About the author

Todd Alexander was born in 1973 and has been writing for over 20 years. His work has been published in magazines and periodicals and his first novel, Pictures of Us was published in 2006. How to Buy and Sell on eBay.com.au – The Official Pocket Guide has sold in excess of 30,000 copies.

In 2010, an advanced guide to eBay How To Make Money on eBay was published by Allen & Unwin, followed in 2011 by Why Pay Retail (also Allen & Unwin). Hachette Australia released Get Your Business Online... Now! in March 2012, followed later in the year by Every Day Internet at Any Age. 2013 marked the release of Todd’s fully comprehensive guide to The New eBay followed in 2014 by Check 100: Tips for a Successful eBay Business (both published by John Wiley).

In 2015 Todd returns to fiction, his first love, with the release of Tom Houghton (published by Simon & Schuster).

Todd has 6 years' experience as a bookseller and head office buyer and spent 12 years working at eBay, one of Australia's most recognised brands. He lives in the Hunter Valley of NSW with his partner (cat, pigs, chooks and ducks) where they run a boutique vineyard and accommodation business, Block Eight. Todd has travelled to Africa, Europe, Asia and North America. A graduate of Macquarie University, he has degrees in Modern Literature and Law.

Reviews

[Phrynne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I maybe should not be reviewing this because I have never been able to really like memoirs as a genre. There always seems to be something egotistical about wanting to write all about yourself. However I was given this book and because it was supposed to be funny I gave it a go. And it was pretty good.

I enjoyed the Hunter Valley setting because I know it well, and I am always a sucker for animal stories so I enjoyed the chapters about the pigs and the goats. There was a lot of interesting information about vineyards and olives and I admired Todd and Jeff for their bold tree change.

A pleasant, entertaining read but it did not change my mind about memoirs in general!

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Todd and Jeff are sick and tired of city life and their corporate jobs. After numerous discussions they decide to do what many of us only dream of doing and that is to pack up and start a fresh somewhere else. Todd and Jeff buy one hundred acres called “Block Eight” in the Hunter Valley wine region. With dams, grape vines, and sheds on the property they have plans in not only living self sufficiently by growing their own produce, but they plan on turning it into a B & B.

Of course all their plans come at a cost especially when you have to hire tradesmen to to the bulk of the work. When the figures start to add up Todd and Jeff start to wonder if they have made the right decision. Will this be a dream come true or will it turn into a nightmare?

I wasn’t to sure what to expect when I first started reading this book and I must admit I quite enjoyed it. With many laugh out loud moments and a few serious moments this book really was a great book to read. And let’s not forget the various animals that also live on the property such as goats, pigs, snakes and kangaroos.

Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga by Aussie author Todd Alexander is a memorable non fiction story which I enjoyed. Recommended.

With thanks to Simon & Schuster AU for my uncorrected proof ARC to read and review.

[Margitte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Premise: A Delightful Journey into the World of Wine, Unexpected Friendships, and yes, a new family of animals.

This quote sets the tone of the book:

‘Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.’ ~ Dame Edna Everage

"Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga" by Todd Alexander is a charming, engaging, and heartwarming memoir that takes readers on a delightful journey through the trials and triumphs of winemaking and the unexpected friendships that can blossom in the most unlikely of circumstances.

Todd and Jeff's emotional mental and bodily renaissance, from urban- to bucolic bliss, kicks off when they overnight in the Barossa Valley in South Australia with their best friends, Melanie and Jesus. Jesus is Bolivian so when you read his name, imagine it with a Spanish accent – hey-Zeus – otherwise you’ll think I’m talking about the son of God. explains Todd to his readers.

Net curtains. That’s where our tree-change story really begins. According to Jeff, if you had net curtains on your windows, really, you didn’t deserve to live. ... (What’s the collective noun for net curtains, I wonder? A disappointment? A gasp of net curtains?)

Cookbooks and cushions addicts. The two of them. Todd is into the former, a proper hoarder, he calls himself, and Jeff (who can also be Jeffy, Jiffy, Jibby, or Jibbuz, as well as the marathon devotee) is into the latter. Stacks and stacks and stacks of them.

Todd Alexander, an urbanite with no previous experience in winemaking, shares their courageous decision to leave the bustling city life behind and embark on a new adventure in the picturesque Hunter Valley. With a dream of establishing a vineyard and producing exceptional wines, they dive headfirst into the world of viticulture, facing numerous challenges along the way.

Alexander's writing style is refreshingly candid and infused with wit and humor. He effortlessly transports readers into a captivating world, where they can almost taste the rich aroma of grapes and feel the weight of the earth on their own hands. His attention to detail, coupled with his genuine passion for wine, makes for an immersive reading experience.

Their new property also had an olive grove.
There is a serenity inside an olive grove. Their mass casts wide shadows yet still allows you to see the big full sky overhead. Strolling among them is humbling, as if they are proud of their strength and vigour and unashamed of their unconventional beauty.

While the memoir primarily revolves around Todd Alexander's pursuit of winemaking, it also introduces readers to the delightful and eccentric characters who populate his new rural community. And at the heart of it all is Helga, the adorable and mischievous pig who becomes an unexpected and beloved member of Tod and Jeff's family. The interactions and anecdotes involving Helga(proper name Helga Hagatha Van Hoggett), but also the other animals, inject a warm and lighthearted element into the narrative, providing moments of laughter and endearment. Other animals populating the tale are the cat (LeRoy—who is also called Roy, Roybert, Bert, Bertram, Bertie, or Bertolucci—with behavioral problems), the two pigs (Rodney and Billy), goats(Winston and Wesley) and the chooks.

If you’d said to me ten years ago that one day I’d be taking two goats and a hefty, headstrong sow for a walk, I would have told you to stop smoking crack.

What truly sets this memoir apart is the author's ability to capture the essence of resilience and determination. As Alexander faces countless setbacks, from relentless droughts to the threats of disease, he perseveres with unwavering commitment. His story becomes a testament to the power of passion and the courage to pursue one's dreams, no matter the obstacles. Will they survive the humongous bank loans?

The memoir ultimately delivers an engaging and rewarding reading experience. By the end, readers will find themselves not only appreciating the art of winemaking but also reflecting on the importance of embracing change and embracing unexpected friendships.

"Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga" is a beautifully written memoir that combines the allure of the vineyard with the joys and challenges of rural life. It is a testament to the transformative power of following one's dreams and a reminder that true friendships can be found in the most unlikely places. Whether you are a wine enthusiast, an adventure seeker, or simply a lover of heartfelt stories, this book is sure to captivate your imagination and leave you with a warm and satisfied feeling.

Refreshing and, oh, so wonderfully entertaining.

Two similar kind of enjoyable reading experiences for me, were:
The Farm in the Green Mountains by Alice Herdan-Zuckmayer

The Egg and I (Betty MacDonald Memoirs, #1)

[Ace · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would rather scrub other people's shit, than lick more corporate arse.

This is a great true story about a couple who move into 100 acres with vines and olive trees, B+B. It is convincing and honest and I think I would definitely go back there again and again to spend time with Todd and Jeff. 3.5 stars rounded up.

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5★s

Jeff and Todd moved from Sydney where they were corporate employees, sick of the rush and bustle of the city, to the Hunter Valley vineyards. They bought one hundred acres called Block Eight, with dams, grape vines, an old house and sheds – their intention; a B&B reminiscent of Maggie Beer’s property in the Barossa Valley in South Australia.

It didn’t matter that they knew nothing about what they were doing – they made mistakes and fumbled their way through the months and years. And by their sides were various animals; goats, pigs, kangaroos, snakes and more. But their pet goats – Winston and Wesley – and finally the little pig who received the most devotion of all – Helga – made their lives complete. The B&B took a long time to come to fruition – but their day to day lives were richer than ever before.

Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig called Helga by Aussie author Todd Alexander is an incredibly different look at life; making dreams come true; and living the dream. Set in an area I’m very familiar with – as the book is set on my doorstep, so to speak – I recognized the majority of places mentioned. An interesting memoir which I recommend.

With thanks to Simon & Schuster AU and NetGalley for my uncorrected proof ARC to read in exchange for an honest review.

[Marianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5★s
Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga is a memoir by Australian bookseller and author, Todd Alexander. Dissatisfaction with the corporate world having led to the desire for a tree change (providing accommodation and living self-sufficient), Todd and his partner, Jeff fall in love with the 100 acres in the Hunter Valley simply titled “Block Eight”.

Properties are sold, work situations are altered and the bank comes to the party. The thousand olive trees might be a good investment; the 1200 grape vines, they are ready to scrap until they taste a Semillon previously produced from them; they naively utter the famous last words: “How hard can it be?” Todd will become the Hunter Valley’s Maggie Beer!

Alexander relates, with complete candour, the successes and failures of their venture. The poor decisions and their outcomes, sometimes involving financial losses, sometimes leading to tears and heartbreak, are described uncensored. But the unfailing support of family and friends, the generous advice of professionals and the help of local tradies attest to the pair’s universal appeal.

Plenty of joy and fun is also included, with stories of the antics of pet pigs, goats, chickens and pea fowl all providing laugh-out-loud moments. Tales of unneutered male pigs pleasuring themselves, leading to semen shoe, Leroy the cat, potential star of “Claws”, massage of an egg-bound chook, a confrontation with an aggressive kangaroo, of net curtains and failed verjuice and a dead ‘roo in the dam, of cushions and cookbooks, all add to the humour.

The descriptor “Australia’s answer to David Sedaris” is quite valid except that Alexander generally does not use his family for comic fodder. His occasional vanity is offset by an abundance of self-deprecating anecdotes, including his confessions of fears, some rational and some less so. In the final 41 pages, Alexander shares twenty of his own Easy Vegan Recipes, which all sound delicious.

Alexander summarises: “Two urban yuppies who could barely grow a pot of herbs have thrown in ludicrously lucrative careers to try their hand at farming, building, hotel-running, animal husbandry and everything in between.” Very entertaining!
This unbiased review is from an uncorrected proof copy provided by Simon and Schuster Australia

[Deb Omnivorous Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Todd and Jeff are living the fashionable life of inner city Sydney with high flying jobs and the corporate lifestyle that many dream of. Except that somewhere along the line the dream life metamorphosed into a daily slog that neither of them enjoy any more. They dream of a 'tree change' moving to the country on a block of land that is just right for them...

Instead of finding that dream bit of land however they fall in love with an enormous and way too expensive block with olive groves, vineyards, dams and pumps in the Hunter Valley. So then our two inner city boys with no agricultural experience behind them at all must learn to be the perfect owners for their block of land.

The story is delightfully fun to read; self depreciating humour mitigates the monumental tasks and difficulties our heroes face and the clear writing style perfectly complements the journey as they build a B&B, a working vineyard, learn to garden and maintain a property. Personally and having grown up in a farming community, their blithe innocence as they walse into the the hardest lifestyle one could imagine was nail biting.

The sardonic joy Todd brings to the book is great; the stories are often laugh out loud funny (I got some curious looks reading in the tea room at break time) . I loved the candor with which they described the shocking realisation that their block depended solely on rainwater tanks (just as visitors from Canada arrive) and that in drought, that means shipping water to the tanks and the dams.

The structure of the book; starting at the end with the pig named Helga, then backtracking to the beginning and taking us through: I felt that worked really well. This is not really a start and end story, Todd and Jeff are still on Block Eight, so this kind of book is often at risk of feeling like there was no real ending. Starting and ending with Helga was a smart move and gives the reader a great deal of satisfaction as they close the book. I also found Todd's rationale for giving up meat as he came to know animals and the industry interesting and I liked the integrity of it, he managed to share his thoughts without ever preaching, which is difficult to do well.

The recipes at the end make my mouth water; I am almost ready to book into Block Eight just to taste some of them! Though I have a sad certainty that trying to reproduce them with supermarket bought fennel bulbs and rubber cauliflower will not do them justice - I will certainly try.

Thank you very much to Simon & Schuster for my Advance Reading Copy in return for an honest review; I don't know how long it would otherwise have been until I got to this gem of a book.

But, S&S I am not sure how I feel about the tag line "What happens when Australia's answer to David Sedaris moves to a farm?" I have never heard of David Sedaris (I keep meaning to google him, as, if he is anything Like Todd Alexander, I may look him up some time). But surely this book is good enough without comparing itself to some American/Brit? A bit of colonial cringe still wafting around?

[Shelleyrae at Book'd Out · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was delighted to win a signed copy of Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Named Helga to gift to my mother for Mother’s Day thanks to BetterReading.com.au. However I couldn’t pass it on without reading it first.

Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Named Helga is the story of Todd Alexander’s mid life tree change with his partner, Jeff, abandoning inner city living and highly paid careers, for a hundred acre farm in the Hunter Valley, to grow grapes, olives, and run a five star B&B.

Todd has dreams of channeling his inner Maggie Beer…cooking delicious meals from their own produce, sipping their own labeled wine, enjoying the spectacular views over their property, with Jeff by his side. After all, Todd is wont to say, how hard can it be?

It’s certainly not any where near as easy as Todd hopes. What do two gay city boys know about slashing acres of grass, empty water tanks, broken irrigation systems, eggbound chickens, and desuckering 12,000 grapevines? Not a lot as it turns out, but they are willing to learn, and determined to succeed.

There are failures and successes, mistakes and lucky breaks, all of which Todd shares with honesty and humour. I don’t envy them the years of renovation and building (though the results are stunning), or the back breaking work required to both maintain and grow a farm. But I enjoyed his anecdotes about both the joys and challenges of farm life, and particularly the affectionate descriptions of the couples beloved pets, like the titular Helga the pig.

Todd also shares information of a more personal nature, touching on his relationship with his children who are regular visitors to the farm, and I was moved by his support of his mother as she battled bowel cancer. He also discusses how his experiences as a farmer have resulted in him becoming vegan, and provides a dozen or so of his favourite recipes.

Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Named Helga is an entertaining and charming memoir, and might just inspire your own dreams for a new life, or at least for a nice glass of Semillon.

[Josephine Moon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Laugh out loud funny and totally charming. Can't wait to read the next one.

[marlin1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

**4.5 stars**
Really enjoyed this tree change memoir. Todd and Jeff’s enthusiasm for every facet of their move shone through and I shared their highs and lows. Well worth a read to lift your spirits.
Thank you to the publisher for a copy to read.

[Ann T · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Simon and Schuster Australia and Netgalley for an ARC in return for my honest review.

Many Australians fly to Fiji for an island wedding, but no we lived in Fiji and flew to Sydney for our wedding weekend in Pokolbin. This is the reason I requested this book, no expectations purely sentimental........ Thank goodness for sentiments.

Thank you Todd (and Jeff ) for sharing your tree change with so much wit, energy and honesty. You had me laughing out loud and completely engrossed in your wonderful wonderful book.

It is so easy to feel safe with a life of beaurocracy and regular pay days and whilst a safe life doesn’t push the limits and enable a life full of passion it doesn’t require jumping towards fear, often without a life jacket. Thank you for showing that yes it is really hard work and scary but if you put your heart, Soul and mind into it , it could also is be beyond rewarding and and lead you to a life of passion and complete fulfilment.

Todd you have reminded lucky readers what life is really about and those in your life as so lucky to be part of it. I shamelessly admit to stalking you on Facebook to look for photos of Helga, Winston and Wesley and they are as gorgeous as you describe them!,

Finally I loved the recipes at the end of the book. You have inspired me in more ways than you could ever imagine. Thank you for your absolutely awesome book. I hope one day when we are back in the state to pop in and purchase some semillon (and meet Helga).

Put this to the top of your TBR stat.

[Sarah-Jane Frances · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well written, light hearted story detailing an amazing tree change. It wasn't until late in my read that it occurred to me I was actually reading a non-fiction book. I had simply picked it up to read with no background knowledge and was so pleased to find out that I was reading about true events, struggles, successes and embarrassments. There were moments when I laughed out loud, re-read a snippet to my family or held my breath as I felt the depth of emotion being conveyed.

This isn't my usual genre choice, I prefer a twisting mystery or magical journey but I definitely enjoyed sharing this adventure with Todd, Jeff and their range of feathered and furry friends. Living in a wine growing region myself I could visualise similar settings and this also added to my enjoyment of the story.

I totally want to visit the Hunter Valley now so I can meet Helga!!!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book from start to finish. Todd is funny and endearing while his story is one of quiet personal success and the courage to get it. It also helped that I too love wine (and animals).

[Rechelle Rozwadowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful memoir filled with laugh out loud antics, moving moments and a cast of loveable animals. There is an openness and honesty that comes with the narration and I found this so endearing. Their Hunter Valley 'tree-change' tales of misadventures and triumps, left me appreciating their dedication and determination to make a go of any situation. A lovely read, enjoyed over a weekend, accompanied with a glass or two of wine, and I was as happy as a pig in mud.

[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoroughly charmed by this funny, joyous and heartwarming account of Todd Alexander’s ambitious and expensive tree change in the Hunter Valley. I now want a pig named Helga, goats and a vineyard. How hard can it be? Turns out, incredibly hard but with big doses of delightful and charming.

[Toni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Todd relates the story of the tree change fantasy that became the reality for him and his partner. Ever since Betty Macdonald’s The Egg and I was was urged on me by my dairy farming grandmother, I’ve loved stories of giving up urban life for the hardships and rewards of subsistence farming and making a life away from the rat race. At times this does read a bit as an advertisement for Todd’s farm stay and wine tour business, but it’s diverting.

3.5 stars

[Wendy Marchment · Rating 1 out of 5]

Maybe because I grew up in the country and know many young competent people who would love to be able to afford and run a farm productively, this really grated on me. Also the constant reminders they're gay, naivete to the point of a complete lack of commonsense eg not knowing water for a farmhouse comes from tanks etc, I didn't find this very amusing. Reeks of white privilege and a disconnect with nature.

[Janelle Varlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a lovely surprise. Two gay guys looking for a tree change from the inner city corporate life. Full of the usual stereotypes but these were so humorously delivered that you came away refreshed and ready to attack anew the ravages of self isolation for COVID - 19. Highly recommend this book and the audiobook version is also tongue in check to add to the enjoyment. I may eventually get used to the audiobook format one day. Managed to use it undistracted this time when shopping with social distancing and exercising on the treadmill.

[Trish Quirk · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book as an audible daily special because of its cover thinking it would be a light read between other books. I wasn't disappointed. The journey the two men took to achieve their dream of living the country life was extraordinary and quite inspiring in their diligence and willingness to learn all sorts of new skills. I was not so much a fan of the animal antics but laughed out loud at some of the challenges they faced especially getting the kangaroo carcass out of the dam. I hope they are surviving the Covid induced downturn in tourism as they certainly put everything they had into their venture.

[Nez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun read!
Despite not knowing that their water came from tanks, Todd and Jeff are pretty amazing kick arse men (and funny). The icing on the cake was they are very compassionate as well and became vegan. All round a lovely, funny read.
I’ve now added Block Eight as a must visit.

[Rosemary · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up. The Sydney chapters weren't that interesting, but it got better once they moved to the Hunter Valley, and Helga the pig is a scene stealer.

I think Todd Alexander is misguided in turning vegan, but he is not too preachy.

Content warning: frequent coarse language.

[Laurena · Rating 3 out of 5]

A funny and warm read highlighting the highs and lows of taking a chance, and the relationships that help get there. Thanks to publisher for arc - 3.5 stars.

[Jade Maree · Rating 5 out of 5]

A highly entertaining and enjoyable memoir! The author’s voice shone through.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Todd’s telling of the tree change had me laughing loudly. This is local to me so I identified in many ways. A fun read.

[Joanne Osborne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this lighthearted story which was refreshing after my last choice of books. A very easy read and a story about the authors experience with his partner , before and during the process of purchasing a property in the Hunter region.

[WhatHughsieRead · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just such an easy fun read. Very open and honest

[Shane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this fun book!
Wish therr was more to read.
Motivating for anyone who thinks "I/we could never do that."

[Alisha Henderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny!

[Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolute delight. His is not a genre I would normally read, in fact I just don’t, but this one stands alone, I loved every word.

[Maria Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Two extremely determined adventurous men. Amazing what they have achieved and lessons learned. Inspiring couple. Your property sounds amazing.