Ace Notes

by Michele Kirichanskaya

What is the ace lens?
Is my relationship queerplatonic?
Am I sex-favorable, sex-averse or sex-repulsed?

As an ace or questioning person in an oh-so-allo world, you're probably in desperate need of a cheat sheet. Allow us to introduce your new asexual best friend, an essential resource serving up the life hacks you need to fully embrace the ace. Expect interviews with remarkable aces across the spectrum, advice on navigating different communities , and low-key ways to flaunt your ace identity.

Covering everything from coming out, explaining asexuality and understanding different types of attraction, to marriage, relationships, sex, consent, gatekeeping, religion, ace culture and more, this is the ultimate arsenal for whatever the allo world throws at you.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, LGBT, Asexual, Sexuality, Self Help, Adult

272 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2023

Reviews

[Swankivy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The strength of this book is its accessibility to asexual people of any orientation--most notably those new to approaching the identity and searching for context. It's not academic or likely to put off casual readers with its language, and seems like a good entry point to learn about living as an asexual person. It steps aside from the instructional, 101-style asexuality introduction and helps people really think about the experience of being ace, and while the flippant, conversational narration coming in with a lot of personal thoughts from the author might not be everyone's preference, it feels more like an ace friend is talking to you and validating your perspective (and less like an authority blocking things out for you)--and that is what some people coming to the ace community are looking for.

As for down sides, they're mostly tied to the strengths--sometimes the advice could be a little simplified because the tone wants to stay lighthearted and encouraging (e.g., "If someone calls you a snowflake, just give them frostbite!"), which can sometimes serve to make light of serious issues. If acephobia had hurt me deeply, I wouldn't know how to use advice that amounts to "People shouldn't treat you like that, so tell 'em to buzz off!" (Though the text does explicitly acknowledge the harm that comes from these interactions, multiple times; it's just a little light on recommendations for handling it.) The book's organization doesn't always flow in predictable ways, which contributed to it feeling like a charming laundry list of personal mini-manifestos for perusal by like-minded friends. The casual tone that some may find chummy and endearing could also have the effect of feeling like a personal essay or blog post (for instance, the narration regularly refers to people as "assholes," says things are "bullshit," starts sentences with "hell," and includes the author's stage direction of "rolls eyes," etc.). And sometimes the text will preemptively scold the reader about what it assumes we are wrongly thinking, such as "no not like THAT, get your mind out of the gutter," which threw me off since I generally wasn't thinking those things. The choice to fashion the text as a present narrator connected it to a specific voice throughout, which may not be everyone's cup of tea. There's one reference that may be alienating, suggesting regardless of our sexual orientation we all crave socialization because everyone needs people "like we need water," which I definitely know some people don't relate to that even if it's true that no one is completely an island. And I did see a few things I thought were factual errors, which I'll comment on where appropriate below.

David Jay's foreword is a reminder of how even our community's leaders started in the same isolation the rest of us did--getting the same snotty comments about being Alone Forever or Broken, and learning to not only tolerate the terms of a world not built for us but transform them into an understanding, loving world. It's especially nice to be reminded that non-ace people sometimes also are not served by the scripts of typical society, and that they can learn from us. That our lives aren't sad and can serve as inspiring examples of how not to stake the entire worth of ourselves as humans on sexual success. That typical sexual relationships are not the sole vehicle for human connection, and that our stories are relatable for our community and beyond.

The introduction echoes the reason I got into activism--that I want relatable content for others to find, for others to know someone's felt the same as they have, to normalize the experiences we have and hold them up as valuable experiences of our own--not as a sad thing we cope with as a group of have-nots.

Discussions as we ease into the content are familiar. I like that the book takes so much care to ping the misconceptions and reactions others have to us being asexual; ace readers who are out to others may recall their own experiences while reading. The book acknowledges it isn't fair that we often end up in "educate" mode when we were only trying to share something personal about ourselves. The "testing the waters" and "preparing for the questions or acephobic reactions" advice are spot on. And it's good to see an acknowledgment that coming out is not always safe or necessary.

Asexuality in metaphor is introduced as a way of conceptualizing and thinking about it; we're offered comparisons to hunger, stocked refrigerators, coffee, roller coasters, marbles, scent, ice cream, and enjoying beautiful objects without needing to engage with them. Next we cover queer coding and "signs" to identify other aces--and some ways that "asexual" is misused as a synonym for being unappealing, unable to attract other people, or androgynous. The conclusion: There is no comprehensive "ace look," and we should dress and present how we want. (Though the next brief chapter does give us some fun ways to subtly or not-so-subtly signal aceness, like using ace colors in our wardrobe or wearing the ace ring.)

A personal narrative is then inserted about the black ring and its symbol of commitment to one's own ace truth. It was a little change in tone and a nice way of leading into some of the harder subjects that hit aces. Being treated like a weirdo by one's own inner circle (including family) makes it difficult to share oneself at all. A ring can be a nice reminder that your truth is yours. The personal tone continues in the next chapter when addressing the belief that aces are "special snowflakes" and why we would WANT "attention" for being ace considering how trollish and abusive it usually is. The book also covers analysis of labels and why thinking about it (and even overthinking it!) is common for us. The book reassures asexual readers that finding the exact right label for every feeling you've ever had isn't necessary for you to be valid, and if you continue to evolve after finding what you thought was the right term(s), it's okay.

Next we go over some discussion of queer organizing and the history of the ace community. It's a concise look into why bars aren't always the best way for aces to find each other (which is a complaint for every other demographic too), and why the ways asexuality awareness has exploded have led to people thinking it's an "internet orientation."

Next is an interview with Maia Kobabe (a queer nonbinary ace aro person). There's a description of learning the word long before using it as an identity, and being grateful that the term exists for people who need it. Gender dysphoria and how it intersects with eir asexuality was discussed, and so was the revelation that people don't HAVE to live heteronormative lives that lead to marriage and children. Maia mentions going through gender dysphoria as a teen and wondering if it was even important to think about outside of a romantic relationship--as if this aspect of a person's identity only matters in relation to others! Eir takeaway message was that everyone should deeply question their own identity, gender, and sexuality.

We next come to an interview with Shari B. Ellis (a Black, panromantic/demiromantic autistic female ace) who grew up in the 70s and 80s. She talks about asexual leadership and fending off burnout by asking for help. As an autistic ace, Shari does not see the two identities as related for her and doesn't like to see autistic people desexualized. As an ace who works in animation, Shari talks about the influence of pop culture on how people build relationships and how much it affected her that she was supposed to want a partner. We need more aces in media who aren't robotic, childish, or (importantly) white able-bodied men. She'd also like to see media include aces who have sex or are in queerplatonic relationships. Her takeaway message is that open-mindedness needs to expand and gatekeeping needs to die, including inside the ace community.

There is then a section on different types of attraction. It goes into detail about why one type does not automatically occur with another type or indicate any specific desire or action. Everyone knows you can have sex without being in love; this chapter explores how several other elements of relationships are usually thought to be a package deal, but aren't. Experiences people can have, including ace– and aro-specific ones, are given exploration and definitions, from squishes to sensual attraction.

In discussing aromanticism as it relates to asexuality, it's very clear that the two are different attractions but tend to get lumped together and are both often defined by absence. Romantic relationships are sometimes so prioritized that aromantic people and those who are not partner-seeking can sometimes feel that no matter what they do, they will be seen as a failure if they don't have a partner. Mainstream society and fictional narratives framing unpartnered people as desperate, failures, sad, lonely, and pathological feeds into making real unpartnered people and the people around them think this means they are broken.

Less traditional marriages that don't center sex and/or romance are also given a spotlight. Queerplatonic relationships and other less common arrangements are discussed, including the fact that these arrangements are NOT new. There is some critique of how marriage is expected to only involve two romantically attracted individuals and that any other arrangement of living is culturally and financially disprivileged, institutionally. The Greek model with its seven types of love is then discussed in a follow-up chapter.

The Julie Sondra Decker interview (!) involved an aromantic asexual perspective on being an activist, defining oneself as asexual before the internet, and discussing ignorance toward and pushback against asexual and aromantic narratives in mainstream publishing and media. The expected connection between being unpartnered and being lonely is explored. The differences in how asexuality/aromanticism is received in society depending on gender is also discussed, and so is the experience of being what passes for an elder in the asexual community.

The next section involves a discussion of how sex works for aces--how it isn't a contradiction that there are aces who desire and have and enjoy sex. These sections offer definitions of sex positivity, sex aversion, and more. Gray areas and neutrality are also given space. The messy issues of consent and mixed-orientation relationships often containing irreconcilable expectations are covered too. Useful perspectives on sexual activity, sexual experiences, and ace-friendly sexual resources are included. Fanfiction as an avenue for safe exploration and erotic imagination (with more opportunity for ace-inclusive characters) is also given its own whole chapter. And some alternatives to typical sex are discussed to facilitate intimacy in an ace-inclusive fashion.

Next are more interviews. We meet Ev'Yan Whitney, a demisexual queer Black ace who works as a sex educator. They once thought they couldn't be ace because they knew so much about sex and had had sex they enjoyed. Trauma was a complicated factor for her and becoming a sex educator helped reclaim sex, and then coming into an ace identity helped her stop shaming herself for low desire or lack of interest. Ev'Yan talks about how important it is that partners be people who can see asexuality as a valuable aspect of us, not as a detriment that they love us in spite of. Queer identity being centered around and defined based on sex is brought up, and what Ev'Yan would like to see in the future is more diversity in representation, especially with regard to sexual interest and behavior.

Next is Courtney Lane, a disabled queer asexual married woman. Questioning her terminology and her relationship opened the door to lots of identity examination for her, and the phenomenon of aces having to do this search is discussed. Courtney's advice to romantic aces is to examine what you really want (including in a relationship) because it isn't a given that finding a good partner is hopeless. The expectation that an ace will compromise in a mixed-orientation relationship heavily depends on exploiting women's pressure to submit. Searching for the right terminology for being disabled was a parallel journey to accepting aspects of asexuality as well. Some think disabled aces shouldn't do activism because they might inadvertently desexualize the disability community and pathologize the asexual community, but this actually hurts both communities. Identities are intersectional. Courtney wants to see more focus on individual authentic narratives rather than prepackaged, easily swallowed asexuality education that throws some of us under the bus.

In a deeper section about delving into the complexities of asexuality, first we cover uncomfortable truths about sexual assault and oppression, marginalization, and exclusion inside and outside the queer community. The question of whether and on what grounds asexual people can be considered queer is discussed, and some institutional and interpersonal disprivileges and difficulties experienced by some aces are examined. Gatekeeping gets a section, focusing on its influence inside ace communities. The author discusses seeing a disabled interviewee being attacked by other aces for being a poor representative due to being disabled, and references another ace woman who gets flak for being a lingerie model even though they are providing a valuable intersectional examination of that experience. It's important to acknowledge that the ace community itself can be hostile to some of the aces who want to participate due to ableism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, and purity culture. These exclusions, usually spun as a way to legitimize us to everyone else, are bad for the asexual community, and they deny all of us the richness of participating in and interacting with diverse populations.

The "Gold Star Asexual" standard is also discussed, which is about how representatives of the ace community who fit a narrow "sanitized" profile are legitimized as the most appropriate folks to carry the message and others might be "disqualified." And there are some important mentions of how a history of illness or assault does not invalidate someone's asexuality, even if some people feel that these aspects of themselves ARE relevant in why they identify as ace. A section on dealing with acephobes follows this one, helpfully. (The tips are about how to soothe oneself and process healthfully or how to avoid being hurt again or hurt further, not a set of arguments to use as responses. The pain of being subjected to bigotry is validated here.)

We then get some philosophy on whether asexual people are repressed. An excellent point is made that in the name of not being repressed, many of us restrict ourselves to match what is expected of us--which is not liberation at all. There's also some conversation about being sexualized against one's will, and how many people on the ace spectrum are treated like their bodies' ability to invite sexual attention is a contradiction to ace identity. References to statements made by Black aces are shared to show how this sexualization affects them.

Next we cover the topic of why doctors regard asexuality as an illness and how the attitude that something is wrong with us is sometimes shared by people who are responsible for helping us make decisions about our health. Practitioners have authority over what treatments we should have and can influence what is deemed necessary (whether psychologically or physically). Some quotes from disabled aces are included, sharing how they have been in danger of not receiving proper care because a health professional doesn't believe their asexuality is legitimate.

A nice section on religion and asexuality rounds out the book, heavy on Jewish perspective. The author's thoughts on religion often being a tool of oppression against queer people and how we don't have to see it as something we reject were appropriately nuanced. Judaism in particular has a recognized diversity of thought that allows for exploration of asexuality (despite that some aspects--like most faiths--have been used to push us into boxes). Jewish philosophy's recommendation to celebrate sex (and consent) is refreshing, but in doing so, some interpretations also lead to commanding it. The story of Purim being akin to a coming-out story (because Esther had to consider whether to reveal her Jewishness in the face of potential harm to herself) is discussed in the context of living one's truth.

An interview with Ellen Huang (aromantic and very asexual, a Liberation theology Christian) follows. She discusses the importance of platonic love and philosophizes on the place of faith in LGBTQIA+ life. It isn't a contradiction to be religious and be queer, and the implication that that should be a contradiction makes her feel like they're praying to different deities. For the future, Ellen wants to see aces having more fun in the community, and not having to spend so much of their celebration of their orientation educating people on what it even is.

A conclusion explores the confusion of coming to an ace identity in our world and how ambiguity plays an important role in the freedom to define oneself. Sometimes we're not sure if a label is right, or if some of the things we want and need are expressed in the seemingly simple words we choose to speak of our identity. The words we use don't have to encapsulate everything we are. We end with some nice quotes from asexual people about what they love about asexuality and its communities, a list of symbols, and some ace reading recommendations.

The couple things I saw that I thought were errors include referring to Sappho several times as "Sapphos" and having some misquotes and misspellings ("Bogaert" written as "Bogart," a Yentl quote garbled as "When you told me I had the right to refuse *me*, you didn’t tell me I also had the right to demand you," and a few usages of "they" pronouns for specific people who don't actually use those pronouns), and a reference to bisexual people in general identifying with the term "unicorn" to mock others thinking bi people are mythical (I'm no authority, I know, but I've actually only heard "unicorn" in the context of a bi woman who is willing to join an established male/female couple as their "third," and unicorns get that term because of how elusive and rare people who actually want that setup are--I've never heard it used as just a joking term for bi people in general). And at one point "martial" rights were referenced when it looks like "marital" was meant. Generally a well edited and well written book.

[Shawna Finnigan · Rating 3 out of 5]

CW// aphobia, homophobia, ableism, antisemitism, rape, anxiety, depression, verbal abuse

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for sending me an eArc of this book in exchange for an honest review.

I’m asexual, so I was super excited when I got approved for this book on NetGalley. It’s unfortunately taken me a little longer than I would’ve liked to read it, but I’m glad I finally got a chance to read it this month.

Ace Notes is a non-fiction book written by a Jewish, asexual author. It features extensive information on asexuality, stories from the author’s own personal background, and numerous interviews with asexual people from marginalized backgrounds.

There is a lot of good information in this book that can be helpful for people, but I question the fact that this was written in a book format. I feel it would’ve worked a lot better as a blog or as individual videos on a YouTube channel. That being said, I want to make sure I address all the positives of this book before diving into the problems I had with it.

I saw a lot of my own experiences reflected in this book. It was really refreshing to feel seen and understood. There’s numerous chapters and quotes from this book that allosexual people can and should read to better understand the experiences of asexual people. I even saw myself represented in numerous discussions of disability, which is something I very rarely see in media and was pleasantly surprised to find in this book.

The sections that I found most interesting, refreshing, and useful to me were the sections on coming out, metaphors to describe asexuality, labels, and Judaism. All of these sections provided new information about asexuality that I think everyone should learn about. If you are curious about asexuality and not committed to reading a full book about it, pick and choose which sections of this book you want to read because Ace Notes works well as a book where you pick some sections to focus on while ignoring others you are less interested in.

My problems with this book can be boiled down to three major categories.

The first is that this author heavily relies on quotes from outside sources. Using quotes on occassion to back up your information is really important and necessary for most nonfiction books. However, I found that quotes were used too much in this book. It often times felt like I was reading more of an academic essay for a college course as opposed to a book. Whenever it leaned more toward feeling like an essay, I’d often find my mind wandering and my attention waning, so I’m sure I missed out on some useful information in Ace Notes while I was reading the quote heavy sections.

There were a ton of interviews in here and I loved that, but the amount of interviews in this book were a huge reason why I feel a blog format or YouTube format would’ve worked better for what this book was trying to achieve. Furthermore, I noticed that the author had a tendency to hijack interviews and make it all about herself. Pulling in diverse voices was a great idea on the author’s part, but we need to hear from those diverse voices more and when the author instead turns the interviews on herself, it takes away from those diverse voices that she was trying to include in her book.

My final problem with this book was the repetitiveness. This book is fairly short, but it was still very repetitive. I wish there was more unique content added to make the book longer instead of repeating the same information over and over again.

I am still glad this book exists despite its flaws because there was some really good information in here, but I think the problems I noticed with this book will be very offputting to people. I would still recommend it; it might just require skimming over some sections to get to the information that you will personally find useful and eye opening.

[Margherita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an ARC and I’m leaving an honest review.

It’s a book for everyone looking to learn about the basics of asexuality, but don't get me wrong— when I say "basics", I don't mean superficial information about just the main usual points. This book does an amazing job in including many topics and many different voices, highlighting the importance and influence that intersectionality has on a person's identity.
It’s mostly a collection of quotes, metaphors and posts made by other people, with an addition of comments and in-depth analysis by the author.
I really appreciated the interviews and the triggers warnings for the specific chapters.

There were quite a few typos and grammatical mistakes in the book, that I hope they fixed in the final version, and the choice of order of sections sometimes felt a little odd (for example: the choice of having the interviews scattered around the book instead of all together in a specific chapter).

[Anna (RattleTheShelves) · Rating 4 out of 5]

How amazing it is that we finally have an ace nonfiction aimed at acespecs? (rather than an educational asexuality 101?) It's a cute little book filled with great tips for all the ace-specs out there. Like the title suggests, it's full of lists, tips, interviews and art to help aces function in this allonormative world.

One note is that I'd definitely recommend a physical copy as it's a book that you want to be able to easily browse. It would also make looking up illustrations easier.

***Thanks NetGalley for the eARC***

[Nivi · Rating 4 out of 5]

**Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review**

This does what it says on the tin - it is written as a guide for ace people. It was refreshing to read something written by an ace person for ace people. It manages to be easily digestible whilst still being comprehensive and informative. As someone who knows quite a bit about this topic, I still learnt some new things. At times this felt like reading my inner monologue, which was definitely an interesting experience. I loved that it showed that being ace is a nuanced and complex thing and the interview sections with a wide range of people were particularly nice to see.

[kory. · Rating 5 out of 5]

rather than teaching the world about asexuality, this book is aimed at helping aces naviagate the (allonormative) world and it’s excellent

content/trigger warnings; discussions/mentions of acephobia, arophobia, allonormativity, amatonormativity, transphobia, homophobia, mspecphobia, harassment, coming out, ableism, racism, sexism, sex, ageism, sexual assault, rape, corrective rape, domestic violence, emotional abuse, medical discrimination, queer gatekeeping, religion,

likes:
• the very short chapters make for a quick read
• again the author speaking directly to aces (nothing wrong with ace books directed at allos or both aces and allos, but it’s nice to see a sort of “guide to life as an ace” book)
• feels like tumblr posts, in the best way (i’m very active on tumblr and make these kinds of post or answer these types of questions so this definitely is not an insult)
• a good resource for defining and differentiating types of attraction (sexual, romantic, platonic, sensual, aesthetic; crushes, squishes; primary, secondary; split attraction model)
• chapter on queerplatonic relationships that discusses the upsides and downfalls of marriage
• chapter that’s basically an ode to fanfiction
• stressing that asexuality is queer and ace people do face oppression for being ace, but that oppression shouldn’t be what determines if you’re queer or part of the community
• discussions about how asexuality does or doesn’t intersect with religion and trauma and other marginalizations
• a nice guide to ace symbols, and in addition to various resources listed throughout the book, there’s a long list of aspec media at the end

dislikes:
• a little disorganized and gets repetitive after a while
• could use a lot of editing, as there are many spelling errors and wrong words used that are quite jarring
• sites like wikipedia and fandom wikia being cited as sources
• some of the ace analogies don’t work for me because they’re based in wanting/not wanting sex
• queer is positioned as the opposite of straight
• one person interviewed erroneously said asexual wasn’t a term for sexuality in the 1970s and 1980s
• there’s a quote from therapists about how verbal abuse does more damage than physical abuse because it “leaves deep emotional scars that hinder feelings of self-worth and personal agency” but that’s true of physical abuse too and i don’t think we need to be arguing one type of abuse is worse than another
• the interviews at the end of each section (i appreciate different perspectives/experiences being shared but personal stories aren’t my thing)
• the religion section (glad it exists for those who could benefit from those discussions, but i’m not interested in religion in the slightest)

overall i think this is an incredible and important resource

[Lellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of many nonfiction Ace books I've read this year. As an adult ace-spec person, this one wasn't super helpful for me personally, but I think is a great resource for a younger YA audience. I did love the references in the back though. There is a great breakdown of ace novels and media in the back, and even as an active member of the ace/queer book community, I still hadn't heard of some of the titles and am grateful for such a great resource.

Thanks to netgalley for a free copy in exchange for an honest review!

[Eline · Rating 3 out of 5]

(3,5 stars)

I have many thoughts on this book, so let's start with the positives.
Reading Ace Voices was a very validating experience. Even though i didn't relate to all of the experiences mentioned and i was already comfortable in my (a)sexuality before going into this book, it still made me feel a bit more comfortable in my identity. Almost every page contained reassuring words and it is important to have your experiences validated. It's a solid Ace 101 book that provides a good an insight into the a-spec community and the experiences of people in it.
I thought this was very accessible in the sense that it was written in simple and understandable language. (Note: though everything is explained, i think this book does require a certain familiarity with the lingo used within the a-spec community, because it could potentially be a bit hard to follow if you're hearing all of these terms for the first time.)
I appreciate the author's frequent acknowledgement of intersectionality and her attention for diversity within the asexual community. It's important to highlight the range of different experiences aces have.
Unfortunately there were some negatives to this book as well.
I think this could have used a bit more editing? I'm not one to comment on the editing of a book, but i feel like it's justified in this case. I believe i've spotted a few minor mistakes, because a few sentences seemed off.
Other than that the book felt a little repetative at times. I suppose that's kind of in the nature of books like this, but i feel like it could have been written more concisely.
Finally, i felt that the order in which the various topics were presented didn't always make sense. It felt strange to include the "Ace symbols" after the "Ace notes" section, since the latter felt like a way to wrap up the book. I didn't understand why the "Ace symbols" needed its own sectiom in the first place, since there was a section on ace signifiers earlier in the book. These two chapters easily could have been combined.
All in all, this book isn't perfect, but i would still recommend it. We need more books about asexuality and aromanticism.

[Lotte Van Der Paelt · Rating 4 out of 5]

'ACE Notes' by Michele Kirichanskaya is an informative book about asexuality and finding your place in the LGBTQ+ world. As a allosexual person, I didn't really know much about the topic before starting the book. I've been trying to educate myself on LGBTQ+ topics and reading this helped me a lot.
It was a bit trying at first, because Kirichanskaya brings up many terms and facts related to the topic of sexuality. For this reason, I don't know if I would recommend this book to people who don't know anything about the topic yet. In the end though, I am glad she did at those things it, because page by page I felt a bit more knowledgeable. I didn't even know words like "allosexual" before reading this book and now I'm comfortable using them frequently. There is so much stuff to learn from this. Even if you are 100% cis-gender allosexual alloromantic, I can assure you you will find out some things about yourself you didn't know before. Here are some of the things I liked:
- there's a list of recommended reads on different ACE topics on one of the first pages
- there are quotes from and interviews with different ace people who each bring to light different aspects of their sexuality
- the author explains things that not-ace people could learn from too, such as different types of attraction or attitudes towards sex
- there are many studies and historical as well as personal stories mentioned

Thanks very much to NetGalley, Michele Kirichanskaya and Michele's team for providing me with an ARC for this book. The fact that I got a copy doesn't affect my review, all I'm stating here are my honest thoughts.

[Jasmine Shouse · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book covers some really important topics within asexuality, particularly where it intersects with other communities such as disability, faith, and BIPOC. It could be a helpful resource for people learning about asexuality and the impact of society.

[Hazel · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was very excited to apply for an ARC of this book, as I am a thirty-something who only recently started to understand that I am ace. The title and description pulled me in and I was looking forward to learning more about this part of myself from someone who understands.

Unfortunately, I was totally disappointed by this book.

Although there are little nuggets of useful information, this book relies heavily on large chunks of quotes from other resources (books, articles, Tumblr posts, etc) and there is a big focus on signposting to other resources (charities, helplines, other books, tv shows, etc). It is my opinion that the original content in this book is lacking and disproportionate to the amount of copy-and-paste from other sources. Further, the quoted sections are not expanded upon, but left to speak for themselves. The author doesn't seem to engage with the quoted content to elaborate, add original thoughts, or give a fleshed-out opinion on the text.

I found the format of the book very strange. To me, there doesn't seem to be a plan or a flow to the book, as chapters don't seem to follow any sort of logical flow. It reads like a disjointed collection of blog posts and makes for an uncomfortable read.

Further discomfort came in the form of spelling errors. I don't think I would have mentioned this if I had been enjoying the book, but when I was already struggling with it, the phrase "lust at first *SITE*" just jumped off the page and made me cringe. Also, referring to "the aspec spectrum"... doesn't "aspec" mean "asexual spectrum"? So, "asexual spectrum spectrum"?

I did find the interview with Maia Kobabe very interesting. Funnily enough, I only read Gender Queer last month and I thoroughly enjoyed it, so hearing more from Maia was great. Including this interview was a good call by the author. However, I found the subsequent interview with Shari B. Ellis excruciating. Not because of Shari, but because the author included *so* much of herself just making long statements or telling stories about herself. So much so, that Shari could often only give one or two word replies, as there were no questions put forward. It was extremely uncomfortable to read.

I made it to page 95 of 288 before I finally hit my wall. Totally subjective, but I was just done and I found myself dreading picking up the book again. So, full disclosure, I skimmed from page 96 to page 288. I realise some will think this disqualifies me from reviewing this book, but I think it's important to note that I, as an ace person, went into this thinking I would love it, wanting to learn from it, but the first third of the book put me off so much that I just couldn't read the rest.

The author is clearly passionate about this topic and I really do appreciate the attempt to provide information and increase the number of resources out there for people who are ace or questioning. But personally, I just didn't like it, even though I really wanted to.

I wish the author well and I hope there is time to consider the ARC feedback and perhaps make some changes before publication. As it stands, I just can't give this book anything higher than one star, as much as it pains me to do so to an author who clearly cares so deeply about the ace community. I genuinely hope to see this author hone her craft in the future.

I received an ARC of this book from the publisher for review purposes.

[Kj · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is in many ways, the Ace book I've been looking for amongst the lovely burst of By-Ace-For-Ace texts that have come out very recently. As the title states, it's centered on the challenges of navigating an allosexual world, prioritizing creative ways of building relationships, intimacy, partnerships, and self-worth that aren't defined by compulsory sexuality, heteronormativity, and all the other 'tivitys' that make people who don't fit them feel invisible or without any models for accessing, much less pursuing, desire, connection, or freedom.

The fact that the book feels like a bit of a smörgåsbord of previously published articles, repurposed blog posts, and transcribed audio interviews is both its strength and its weakness. The structure feels cobbled together, sometimes with one chapter literally repeating word for word something from the previous chapter, as if it was introducing new information (because one was clearly written for the book and one was inserted from elsewhere). Personally, I think further editing would have sharpened the messages as well as tone, and helped the reader have a more cumulative experience of ideas building from one to the next. BUT I also rather loved that the book was pretty free about what could be included, not having to stick to the common pattern of define, give how-tos, then squeeze in memoir. Kirichanskaya guides us into some places that few Ace texts have wandered yet, and I loved it, particularly the chapter on Aces and the experience of fan fiction as well as the chapters on Aces of faith, specifically her extended explorations of Judaism and Ace identity.

The book is explicitly focused on the Asexual channel of the a-spectrum, but aromanticism is a present conversation partner throughout as well. I appreciated that demisexuality is given full Ace representation here, not pushed to the margins.

Would love to see more books like this that take for granted the reader's Aceness, and therefore, can really dig into the gifts and complexity of being Ace in an Allo world, rather than staying in the shallow end of "what is this whole thing?"

[Monique · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ace notes is a perfect gift for someone who just found out about their ace identity. It covers a lot of topics in an engaging writing style which makes it hard to stop reading.

The information is broken up with interviews, which probably makes it easier to read for most, but for me the interviews took me out of the narrative, and the way they were set up was a bit long winded as the author expressed her own experiences in between questions.

There was a lot of information, it seems like everything is covered very thoroughly as far as I know, and I learned quite a lot new things. I think this is a very accessible guide to the ace spectrum that many people will enjoy reading. I liked the pop culture references and the meandering into the realms of fanfiction and Jewish religion.

The downside for me (beside the interviews which is really personal preference), is the structure. It’s very hard to find something you were specifically looking for. It feels like it is one big monologue. It’s won’t bother you so much if you read it front to back, but for specific questions it might be a bit difficult. It truly is a sort of collection of notes, which is precisely what the title already indicated. I recommend this book for everyone, but especially if you’re searching or just discovered your identity.

I received a free e-arc through Netgalley, but it hasn’t influenced my opinions.

[Amarelys · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe reading this one immediately after Ace Dad's I Am Ace was a bit redundant, and not a good setup for a favourable comparison. Still, there's always something to be taken from ace books: in this case, the bit about the "shades" of consent was interesting to me; and some readers might find the section about how to deal with stress (due to acephobia) useful - for me, it isn't the type of content I’m looking for, so I skipped it. Similarly, I skimmed/skipped the interviews, largely because I didn't like how they were - or weren't - edited, with all the verbal crutches (so, like...) left in. Finally, I agree with other reviews that this book is rather disorganized and comes off as repetitive because some points that were made in earlier parts were brought up again later almost verbatim.
A big plus though: the extensive reference section and numerous quotes throughout.

[alexander shay · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone on the ace spectrum trying to figure out what 'qualifies' as asexual and how it can be different for everyone, I would highly recommend this book to anyone else with questions similar to mine. Michele does a good job covering a wide array of topics in relation to being asexual, from romantic asexuality to aromantic, to platonic vs romantic relationships, engaging in polyamory, sexual attraction vs desire vs libido, comfort zones physically vs legitimate disinterest, demisexuality and greysexuality, and more. It corrects all the misinformation I had about asexuality and deepens my understanding on the things I was aware of.

[Elizabeth Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

My review will include some comparisons to Sounds Fake But Okay and Ace and Aro Journeys, which may be unfair. However, comparisons seem inevitable with all three books coming from the same publisher in the same year. This book is even better than Sounds Fake But Okay and fills in some gaps I found in that text. They are similar in that both texts examine multiple topics of interest to aspec individuals and how to navigate them. However, Ace Notes brings in more depth in its discussions and clear, relevant citations. It references some key texts related to asexuality and includes interviews with several prominent ace individuals, which allows readers to gain more resources to explore. The history and literature review related to aspec individuals is not as detailed or clearly referenced as in Ace and Aro Journeys, but they are more personalized with the interviews. I think all three texts are good, though useful for different information and purposes. Sounds Fake But Okay seems the most introductory text and perhaps the most approachable with its focus on personal stories and overviews. Ace Notes adds more depth with its multiple interviews from key aspec individuals and referenced texts and is a good resource for someone needing more than the basics.

[Julia Parish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a desperately needed addition to asexual literature. While I was familiar with most of the content, it was enlightening to see the topics laid out in such an organized fashion. If you or someone you know is questioning their identity, I highly recommend checking out this book!

Thanks to NetGalley for a free copy in exchange for an honest review!

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an informative book that discusses a lot of what asexuality is and isn’t and presents information rooted in validation for all viewpoints, barring any acephobic. The quotes and information in this book are incredibly informative and insightful.

[Amanda M · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am landing somewhere between 2 and 3 stars for this book, I have a lot of thoughts about it, so let's jump right in.

The Good
I'm going to start off with the good here, because even with the issues I had, this book had a lot of good things, even some new ideas that I haven't seen covered as much in other books.

This book covered the primary vs secondary attraction model, which honestly, is something I've never heard of before. Essentially this can be used with grey or demi attractions, that ace or aro is the primary attraction with a secondary attached. I believe this section also talked about the different types of love represented in Greek mythology as well as in the Greek language, which lends some interesting historical and cultural views to the discussion.

This book contains multiple interviews with different members of the ace community, ones that (if you're familiar with the community) you may know well (such as Maia Kobabe and Julia Sondra Decker). I think it's really great to get a diverse perspective of the community and the experiences throughout, especially when discussing intersectionality in the book. Each person brought unique stories and perspectives that are incredibly valuable to see just how true it is that asexuality is not a monolith.

In a similar vein, this book provided so many resources throughout as well as an enormous list in the back of books, movies, TV, and videos. It can be difficult and intimidating trying to find resources, so the fact that they're laid out so plainly is excellent.

Part of this book also touches on the intersection of religion and asexuality, and the author covers a lot about asexuality (and really sexuality in general) and Judaism.

The Bad
As much as I wanted to like this book more and as much as I loved different sections of it, I did have some problems with the structure of the book and how some things were presented.

I think my number one issue with this book was with the structure of it. I read an ARC of this book, so I know it still has edits to go through before publishing, and I really hope they fix a lot of these issues. This book was very much written out of order, in sections, and then assembled without looking. There are so many places where entire ideas are repeated almost word for word, it was like dejavu. Not only that, but the order the sections come in makes no sense, with similar topics being divided across the book for seemingly no reason.

Let me illustrate: this book is about asexuality, so I would assume that there would be definitions of terms at the beginning. That did not happen here. The first time the difference between attraction and libido are mentioned is 26% into the book, and that is only a passing comment in an interview. The author doesn't give definitions until 28% in, creating a mess of confusion. Even then, the order that different terms are presented in makes no sense and provided no flow of information in a logical manner.

The beginning of the book, rather than giving clear descriptions of what asexuality is, goes through at least 6 metaphoric stories instead, very clumsily and confusingly trying to say how to explain asexuality to allos.

Even as we get closer to the end and a bit more clear, the jumbled sections and repetition still occurs. There were times that an interview would cover something and immediately after the same story would be told, or the other way around. Some of the interviews also seemed less about the person being interviewed that I would have liked, with the author instead changing the course of discussion to tell her own story rather than letting the interviewee give their perspective (mainly thinking about the last interview with Ellen Huang).

I think that with more editing, this could be a much better book (there were also a lot of bad formatting issues, but I'm sure that will be resolved). At the moment though, with messy or incorrect information and such an unordered and confusing book, it is not it.

I also do want to note that for anyone that reads the book and (like me) never heard of the documentary (A)sexual, please please please understand that it is not an uplifting documentary. There is so much prejudice and aphobia present, they put in so many interviews with people saying horrible things, even showing an LGBT+ activist saying that asexuals don't need to be at pride and they can just stay home without needing to worry about prejudice. It is... Rough. I'd recommend instead reading some of the reviews here.

[Kara Babcock · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another in the slate of ace-focused books released recently by Jessica Kingsley Publishers, who through NetGalley provided me with an eARC that I am finally getting around to reviewing! Ace Notes: Tips and Tricks on Existing in an Allo World by Michele Kirichanskaya is a kind of how-to guide for being asexual in a world that privileges sexual attraction and desire. It’s not prescriptive (as Kirichanskaya notes, there is no one right way to be ace!) but it is very thoughtful. There are two stand-out features of this book: in-depth interviews with other ace-spec people and a very holistic consideration of how asexuality extends beyond the world of sex.

All of the ace books I have read recently have, in one way or another, dispensed advice to their audience. This book takes it one step further in that it is meant to be an advice book. The chapter titles, such as “How to Identify an Asexual” or “Explaining the Different Types of Attraction,” reflect this. And whereas the other titles could, in theory, be useful for an allosexual reader, this book’s audience is definitely ace-spec people. This is a book for us, and it’s great.

A great deal of what Kirichanskaya covers doesn’t apply to me personally, mostly because I have been out basically since I knew to use the words ace and asexual. That isn’t to discount the value in this book for baby aces but instead meant to highlight what I want to say next, which is that I still found, as an older person who is comfortable talking about her asexuality, a great deal of new perspectives on these pages.

In particular, Kirichanskaya has a whole part of the book devoted to “Religion and Identity”—including chapters discussing asexuality and Judaism. As someone who is not Jewish, this is honestly not something that I had ever thought about! So much of the conversation around religion and asexuality in the West revolves around Christianity, and specifically the ideas of purity culture that have come out of Christianity. A lot of ace talk is about how to distinguish asexuality from celibacy, how to push back against purity culture, how to push back against the idea that we should want or have sex to be fruitful and multiply, etc. Reading chapters about asexuality and another one of the world’s major religious and ethnic identities was so cool and refreshing. It makes me think about how I need to seek out some perspectives from Muslim aces as well.

Speaking of perspective, Kirichanskaya also interviews many prominent ace personalities. I hadn’t heard all of these names before but suspect many will be recognizable to people who pick up this book. The interviews are dispersed throughout the book based on where they best fit within the book’s larger organization. This is a really nice strategy that breaks up the flow of Kirichanskaya’s writing. Each interview allows Kirichanskaya to elucidate understandings of asexuality that she might not have been able to discuss as eloquently or authentically herself.

One of the interviews was with Maia Kobabe, whose book Gender Queer sounds so good I might actually read it one day despite my deep aversion to graphic novels at the moment. Eir interview resonated with me because e and Kiranskaya talk about how transitioning can sometimes affect the labels one uses for one’s sexuality. People have asked me if coming out as trans means I’m not ace any more, something I addressed in a blog post a few years ago. I really like how Kobabe and Kirichanskaya discuss this idea (spoiler: the answer is not one-size-fits-all!).

This book is well worth picking up if you are ace or thinking you might fall somewhere on the ace spectrum and want a volume that, rather than explaining asexuality to you, helps you think about what that will look like in your life. It asks you to consider what you want out of this label, what it means for how you relate to yourself and others, and what you want to do going forward. This focus on action rather than introspection is not for everyone, but it is a great complement to the other books this publisher has put out recently. I recommend.

Originally posted on Kara.Reviews, where you can easily browse all my reviews and subscribe to my newsletter.

[Shelby Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

**Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for this ARC in exchange for an honest review**

The reason Michele wrote this book was to give aces the advice and help that she never had as she discovering her own asexuality. So many aces feel like they are alone, "broken", that there is something wrong with them, and she doesn't want anyone to ever feel like that again.

She gives some tips about coming out as ace, having patience with the friends and loved ones who choose to be accepting of this new information as they adjust and learn, and reminds the reader that it is okay if they are not ready to do it yet. With this might come some other news, such as them saying that they do not wish to have children, date, or marry either. Some will not be receptive. Some will try to tell them they're wrong, that they will change their mind, that they just haven't found the right person yet, etc. I experienced this myself as a childfree woman. The book also ties in how being ace may affect one's relationship with religion, and the author speaks specifically about her own experience with Judaism.

Speaking of possibly not being believed and/or respected after letting people in more, there is a discussion about healthcare and how doctor visits usually go for aces. Doctors can be quick to push medications or try to find a medical reason for their lack of interest in sex, instead of just accepting it as an orientation. It would be different if the patient came to them in distress about their sexual situation, but they are simply telling them as their care provider that this is how they are and they don't need to be "cured" or "fixed."

The book explains some of the types of attraction: aesthetic, romantic, sensual, and sexual, as well as the Primary vs. Secondary Attraction Model and Split Attraction Model (SAM). It also goes over the various types of love: agape, eros, ludus, philautia, philia, pragma, and storge.

Asexuals can have many different feelings toward sex: sex-positive, sex-favorable, sex-apathetic, sex-neutral, sex-adverse, and sex-repulsed. The difference between attraction and libido is explained, Kirichanskaya also includes the four types of consent from Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are: The Surprising Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life: enthusiastic, willing, unwilling, coerced. There is mention of sexual coercion, corrective rape, and marital rape. She talks about how sexual liberation should be about the freedom to have (or not have) all the kinds of sex one wants, however they want. This includes access to birth control and having sex work seen as a valid profession.

Of course, when it came to education about sex at the time Kirichanskaya was growing up, public schools had often only taught a basic cisheteronormative version. Asexuality, homosexuality, and everything else was left out of the picture entirely. Later on when she went to college, even her gender, sexuality, and psychology courses did not mention asexuality. This was the same thing I experienced growing up. I don't even think they told us about contraception other than condoms. What I do remember was when the boys came back from their presentation (they had split us up), all they talked about was how they wanted to go to Hawaii where the age of consent was only 14 (vs. our 16 in Michigan).

One may think they have found their place in the ace and LGBTQ+ communities, but Kirichanskaya warns that not all are met with a warm welcome. The ace community can come with gatekeepers that question worthiness, and some of the LGBTQ+ community may not find them "queer enough" to belong. She says it shouldn't be a competition. The book mentions tips on how to deal with acephobia, whether it be from these communities, family and friends, or strangers.

Kirichanskaya interviews Maia Kobabe (author of Gender Queer), Julie Sondra Decker (author of The Invisible Orientation), Ev'Yan Whitney (author of Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body), Courtney Lane (part of The Ace Couple Podcast), and Ellen Huang (writer).

There are resources for those who may have experienced abuse or acephobia, as well as a guide to ace symbols, reading recommendations, and sex education.

The formatting was a little bit weird, and the interviews came up at random times that didn't seem to flow from the last topic she talked about. I cannot hold these things against the book at the moment, as I am not reading a final copy.

[Geno · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 ★
Esperaba mucho más de este libro. Tiene buenas intenciones y algunas ideas que aportan valor a la charla sobre asexualidad, todo a un nivel muy básico.

Tal vez buscaba atrapar un tipo de lector que no conoce del tema, pero nunca se detiene en definiciones útiles para alguien nuevo. Por otro lado, como muchos libros queer, podría aprovechar y capitalizar las experiencias de la autora para obtener algo más personal. En lugar de eso, especula sobre algunas cosas que podría haber investigado y así brindar certezas.

Gran parte del libro son frases que no se usan ni como disparador de temas ni para reforzar conceptos, están ocupando espacio. Incluso hay una sección al final de frases.

También hay muchas referencias a series de TV contemporáneas que, personalmente, no sentí que aporten valor (sobre todo porque no se explaya, queda en cosas como: "ese *horrible* capítulo de HOUSE" o "cierto personaje de Yuri on Ice").

Pero no todo es negativo, las entrevistas son muy interesantes. En algunas, la autora trata de tomar el control de la narrativa y llevar las preguntas hacia ella, pero en general son la mejor parte de la lectura.

En cuanto al texto, valoro la presencia de la interseccionalidad y el doble clic en algunos temas (por ejemplo, la fluidez de las etiquetas y que el significado personal de salir del closet).

Creo que este libro necesitaba una mejor edición. Tanto en la parte visual (hay palabras mal cortadas, títulos de página incorrectos, hojas en blanco, el índice es texto dummy y las notas al pie no tienen su referencia), como de la estructura. Y acá está mi mayor problema, no es fácil de leer porque los capítulos no fluyen. Las entrevistas están intercaladas de manera aleatoria, los temas no se van conectando entre sí y hay muchísimas repeticiones sin sentido, se siente desorganizado.

Es una pena porque es un libro necesario, pero se queda a medias en todos los frentes.
Gracias a Netgalley y al editor por proporcionar una copia gratuita de este libro a cambio de una reseña honesta.

---

I was a little disappointed by this book.
It has interesting information here and there but overall it feels very surface-level.

I was hoping for something informative or something more personal and it's none of that. One of the sections is the author sharing thoughts on ace symbols, which can be investigated rather than speculated.

Also, there are so many quotes that are not expanded upon as if they speak for themselves, which was a wasted opportunity to give this book more depth.
A personal pet peeve of mine is the pop references, and this book is full of them. I think this book will feel outdated in a few years because it's not explaining why the references are there.

On the bright side, I loved the interviews even if the author was so self-centered that she constantly brought in her own experiences.
And continuing with the positive, I enjoyed how intersectional this book feels, and how it explains that labels are fluid.

I think that with more editing, this could be a better book (there were a lot of formatting issues: some sections had the wrong page title, some words were cut incorrectly, the endnotes were missing the chapter name and the index was missing, I'm guessing that's because it's an ARC and will be fixed in the final product).

Another thing that can be benefited from better editing is organization, some topics came back chapters later without connection, and some concepts and metaphors were repeated all the time. The sections seemed to be written out of order and pasted together.

Overall it was a messy reading experience, I love there are more books about acespec but this one it's a mixed bag.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ace Notes is another entry in the field of nonfiction texts seeking to introduce and explain ideas about asexuality. It opens with an extended metaphor about how ace people have a unique perspective that can benefit not only themselves but others, too. We can be the ones to hold a flashlight and light the way toward new ways of thinking about relationships because we are inherently open to new ways of connection that are tailored to suit our specific needs. Anyone would benefit from the same mindset of looking for what they really want rather than following a prescribed path in relationships, so ace people have this expertise and comfortability that make them prime guides for others. It's a positive start to the book that acknowledges the value in our perspectives and what we can offer others. We're not a burden or a liability but an asset.

And if you like that metaphor, know that there's a whole chapter on ace metaphors that you can borrow to help explain the experience since it can be an unfamiliar concept for people. Any of the options might help a person in their own reckoning with identity, as well.

My favorite part of the book is part 3, which focuses on sex and intimacy. It includes a non-comprehensive but still more extensive than your average list of examples of intimacy in all flavors, from physical to emotional to intellectual. Oddly, a standout section for me was about fanfiction. Odd because I wouldn't have placed it as an obvious point of conversation in a book about asexuality. That very fact is probably what drew me in at first. My appreciation for pop culture and smut are also relevant here. The author's passion for the subject shines through, and she makes interesting points about how aces (or anyone) can find fulfilling and fun content in fanfiction that they can't find anywhere else and how they may feel more represented here than in mainstream pop culture. Readers might see their interests on the page that are often ignored, even in beloved fiction. It gave me some serious food for thought, re: how am I not already into fanfiction and how could I dive into it now.

My only complaint has to do with the writing and its organization. It can get repetitive, especially as the author crosses back and forth between interviews where she might have similar questions and conversations with others that then overlap with the more directly informative sections of the text. When you layer in the fact that this is a familiar topic for me overall, so I've heard some of this before (big picture or because it was directly quoted/referenced here), you can see why I might get bored. Someone newer to the subject wouldn't suffer that same level of monotony. I just think it's a currently narrow field where I've read a lot, giving me an unusual level of background knowledge that can actually hinder my reading experience of introductory texts. Someone new to reading about aces would find a lot of good information here and, I think, be less bothered by any details that are repeated. Thanks to Jessica Kingsley for my copy to read and review!

[Alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for giving me an ARC copy of this book in exchange for an honest review!

This was a very casual book, like you are having a natural conversation with someone, which was one of its strengths.

This is a good book if you just want to learn more about what it means to be ace or if you need tips, or if you just want to read a book that has ace rep.

I related to so much of this book but also learned some things. My favorite part was the interview with Maia Kobabe.

I liked the quotes throughout the book to explain things in further details, like the metaphors that were used. I also really enjoyed all the quotes from different people at the back of the book. Also the addition to different symbols ace people may use so people can be educated on that.

I liked that art was included in the book and how the interviews were formatted!

It was nice to see that the author interviewed people of different races as well so it wasn’t just one point of view that we were getting a narrative on. I thought the author asked very good questions, prompting the people she was interviewing to expand on things they spoke about.

There was lots of reassurance in this book that you aren’t broken if you are ace, and how to deal with people who are acephobic. For people who struggle with that or have struggled with that in the past, it is a good thing to have written so hopefully people can find comfort in it. That people are not alone.

The author talked about religion and how it connected to her being ace, which I thought was a really nice touch. She also interviewed someone as well who talked about their perspective of balancing their religion and being ace, which I thought was a great addition to the book.

One thing to note, it messed up the quote from “The Incredibles.” Dash did say something along those lines but so did Syndrome, and what was written wasn’t a direct quote from either of them. They both said it differently than the quote was written in the book. Maybe that was fixed in the final copy, but that was something I wanted to point out!

I think anyone should give this book a read, even if they are not ace themselves. It is very informative, you get different perspectives from all walks of life, and it is an easy read!

[Monet · Rating 5 out of 5]

A NETGALLEY ARC REVIEW
_________________

A refreshingly well-researched and intersectional take on ace rights. I love all the diverse asexual perspectives provided in this accessible text. As someone who identifies as asexual, I found this book to be very affirming as well as comforting. It made me feel seen as well as opening my mind up to understanding the asexual spectrum more. Specifically, I love that Michele Kirichanskaya mentioned Angela Chen's brilliant writing, LGBTQ+ Tumblr discourse, asexual representation in media, and the intersection between mental health and asexuality. Instead of merely glossing over these subject matters, the author dives deeply into their origins and importance. This is an essential read for anyone interested in queer discourse.

Some of my favorite quotes:

"When a person hides in The Closet, we act as if it is their responsibility to come out. But when a snail hides in its shell, we don't delegate responsibility the same way. A snail only hides in its shell because the world outside feels hostile. If a snail recoils at the sight of you, it's not because you are cowardly or lying or deviant or withholding, it's because the world and people around us feel predatory."

"I think there's room for aces to be childlike and goofy versus being infantilized."

"There's that stereotype that we're all sex-negative, that we're all virgins, that we don't date, that we're robotic."

"By saying 'more than a friend,' one intentionally or unintentionally undermines the value or friendship by suggesting that bonds that are not romantically intimate in nature are lesser."

"Neuroticism itself is said to be associated with various negative effects, including 'anger, anxiety, self-consciousness, irritability, emotional instability, and depression,' which, unfortunately, are things that are not uncommon within the asexual community...which comes first: neuroticism from being ace or neuroticism from existing in a world that erases and pathologizes asexuality while also demanding instantaneous and easy categorization of who and what you are."

[Cassi Miranda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an eARC of this book for review from the Jessica Kingsley Publishers via NetGalley, all opinions are my own.

• The Brief: This introduction to asexuality offers basic terminology definitions along with interview transcriptions strategically placed to expand on the chapter themes.
• It (mostly) succeeds in is mission to offer advice to asexuals finding their path, and would be helpful for those just starting their understanding of the orientation. Much of the material related to defining attraction and relationships can be found in more accessible publications.

Ace Notes is an informative but not groundbreaking text. Kirichanskaya’s incorporates casual language and academic formatting style to support her writing. For me, the result is slightly discordant. The copy I received was incomplete as well, with the end notes missing chapter labels and an empty index page. There are a few areas in Ace Notes that were more successful, such as the in-depth section on consent and an interesting examination of Judaism and asexuality. There are good observations here along with new content such as the multiple interviews with people on the asexual spectrum. Final likes: discussions on representation in fanfic and the list of additional readings, mostly fiction books.

There are a number of things in Ace Notes that don’t work for me. The parenthetical remarks became annoying, even though I generally like their usage in fiction. For me, nonfiction book don’t need snarky author commentary about their own conclusions. The organization left something to be desired, topic changes were jarring. The section How to Identify an Asexual was off-putting to me because it relied on assumptions rather than direct communication. Having said this, it isn’t a bad book but I did find it uneven.

[Julie Decker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Generally uplifting and encouraging while not shying away from the realities of living as an asexual person in a sexualized world, Ace Notes gives context to ace experience through interviews, perspectives, quotes, philosophy, and advice for those on the ace spectrum. This book brings an accessible, conversational voice to an underrepresented topic.

If you're looking for something very informed and trustworthy from someone who's been there, who's been through what you're going through, who wants to validate you and acknowledge every ace perspective as valid, this is the book you want. It is very much for asexual people to read (and less about teaching anyone, including us, who we are or what we're supposed to be), and to also help us see through interviews and personal reflections how many ways there are to be ace. Great care is taken to highlight diverse ace perspectives as well as to identify what perspectives the author does not feel qualified to comment on (such as ace culture and experience outside of living in the West). And there are some charming cartoons featuring a variety of bodies (some of which depict specific real people).

The list of resources (especially the one devoted to novels with asexual characters) is impressive! I'll definitely be referencing it.

The book is appropriately titled, as it is definitely by us and for us, and isn't here to convince others we exist. It's to remind us that we know we do, and some pointers on making that existence easier.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

While not the best book on asexuality I've consumed, Kirichanskaya does a great job at attempting to be as inclusive and intersectional about aceness as possible, especially when compared to Sounds Fake But Okay which was much less detailed about intersectional experiences. (Kirichanskaya herself brings Jewish intersectionality into the picture which I found quite interesting!)

The book advertises itself as a guide for ace people, but I find this to be a strange identity for the book because, as the author proclaims several times, she is not a professional LGBTQIA+ educator. It does seem a bit silly to have written a book essentially marketed as ace education then. I would have probably chosen a different direction for the marketing.

What I Liked:
Kirichanskaya has transcribed several lengthy "interviews" (I would re-label these as "conversations" due to Kirichanskaya's own storytelling during these sections) with prominent creators and activists in the ace community, including Maia Kobabe, Shari B. Ellis, Julie Sondra Decker, Ev'Yan Whitney, Courtney Lane, & Ellen Huang. The foreword itself is written by David Jay. I believe this makes it the largest compendium to-date of who's-who-in-acedom contained in a single volume. These were my favorite parts of the text by far.

Two separate mentions of Foucault?? Fantastic taste and very relevant to their placement in the text.

What I Didn't Like:
The organization of the book is all over the place and it doesn't feel like a lot of care went into thoughtful flow which is a huge shame. For example, the symbolic ace black ring is explained twice in detail in two separate sections of the text. Even inside of the organized topics, the sections feel out of order sometimes.

The tone fluctuates from casual to a more formal blog post. This might be an issue for some, but my biggest issue with it was the inclusion of several short articles the author had previously published in online publications. These articles are of course written in a more polished style and were absolutely jarring after a section where the author had been speaking more informally about the topic at hand. I think these should have been left out altogether.

[Reader rainbow_reads_review · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a fairly comprehensive guide to asexuality. It covers everything from definitions to the intersections of asexuality and other identities to what symbols represent the asexual community. It gives a range of perspectives and experiences and has a fun exploration on experiences with and feelings about asexuality. But it also contains a lot of resources for ace people, including books, podcasts, and a very thorough citation section. I loved the section on consent and relationship navigation for those on the ace spectrum, because it was so thoughtfully done and inclusive.

This book is awesome for anyone who is exploring asexuality, has an ace loved one, allies, or just wants to support or learn about the asexual community. As a person who is established in the asexuality community and label, this book was less helpful for me, but is an amazing resource for those first exploring asexuality.

Parent’s guide:
Sex & Nudity: mild-moderate (discussion about sex, consent, sexual assault, masturbation, sexual expression)
Violence & Gore: mild
Profanity: mild
Alcohol, Drugs & Smoking: mild
Frightening & Intense Scenes: mild (acephobia is discussed)

[summer (oscar wilde’s version) · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book may go over many topics you’ll already be familiar with if you’ve read other ace books/essays/blogs, though it lays it all out in such an approachable way with many references to texts to delve further into. this book was comforting and validating above all else. i bought a dark purple ring that looks black in certain light while in the process of reading this book. i’ve been on a journey with discovering my sexuality this year, and reading “ace notes” made me feel much less alone. it’s more like a new friend you’re having a chat with at the queer meet-up than a formal work of non-fiction. the interviews especially showed the wide range of asexual experiences and in particular reminded me of just how much maia kobabe’s “gender queer” has had a revelatory influence on me. this book has a lot of terrific introductory information i enjoyed seeing all in one place. i’d recommended this to anyone else who is early on in their journey, whatever stage of life that may be. also you can’t expect me to read a book with a chapter titled after a song from hit musical comedy tv show “crazy ex girlfriend” and not give it 5 stars 🖤🩶🤍💜