TLDR at the end.
Technical – 1/10
Another review referred to this book as a first draft and I have to fully agree. As someone who offers first draft critiques, that is in part how I will approach this review. There are technical issues that should have never made it past even the most basic editing. You know you are in for a rough ride when the second sentence in the entire book is a sentence fragment. Punctuation is almost never used appropriately, with em dashes, semicolons, and commas used interchangeably throughout the text and in ways that end up making the text more confusing. Paragraphs struggle with bouncing between characters (often one person says something while the very next sentence gives someone else’s action, and then the original person continues talking without a paragraph break), and they often will refer to several men or women interacting without properly declaring nouns (he[Mac] took his[Levi] hat off of his[Levi] head and held it in his[Mac] hands as he[presumably Levi] growled in anger). There are many situations where the meaning of a sentence can be difficult to understand because multiple adjectives are not always divided by commas when describing something. And sometimes there are mid-sentence subject switches without referring to the new subject properly.
Word usage in this book is extremely poor. Many words in this book are rarely used in American English, even more rarely used in the context she uses them in, and then used so often that using them for a drinking game would have fatal consequences. Caustically is the absolute biggest offender, he said caustically, she lifted her brow caustically, he pointed caustically. It is used in such different circumstances that whatever you may originally think the author intended its usage to be becomes completely lost. Peoples limbs don’t go numb, then go benumbed. Every door snarls, even the ones that do so quietly. Every large noise is a caterwaul, whispers are soughed, they don’t ever linger, they dither, smiles “scarred” their lips, and in the final fourth of the book people constantly “fold” their lips.
I’m going to include the length as a technical issue, but I’m going to also include it as an issue with the storytelling. Plain and simple, this same story could easily be told in half the length. I’ll elaborate more on the later, for now I will list it as a technical issue simply because, as I was trying to finish this book up, reading more than I normally do (of this specific book) my elbow was actually sore from holding it. There are MANY people who will look at a 770 page book (which I have to assume is close to 400k words) and be too intimidated to attempt reading it.
From what I can tell from the author’s bio, she is not a native English speaker, let alone a native American English speaker. It shows in the text. “She looked around her own self.” “He was holding on the her being.” There are many other examples that I didn’t take note of, but when you read them you often find yourself thinking, “I don’t think that is technically wrong, but I don’t know anyone who would ever talk like that.” It would normally be forgivable, but this is a story set in one of the most iconic areas and time periods in American history. It would have been useful that have Americans proof read this and help correct some of those issues.
Lastly, the black pages with white text, for me personally (I’m getting a little old, I’ll admit it), they gave me a headache a bit. Like much of what is done within this book, it looks cool, but doesn’t serve a purpose and at times is a hindrance.
Story Telling – 2/10
As stated already, this could have easily been told in 330 pages or less. Not that much actually happens, and this is where the length also plays a major role in the book’s downfall. The pacing is slow, but not in a relaxing or intentional way. It takes forever for things to move forward because things are often repeated two to four times, sometimes with only a single word difference between each iteration, and it’s constant. This can also be seen with the author’s use of exclamation points and question marks, both resulting in the same effect; nothing means anything if you have to repeat yourself so many times to convey something. One exclamation point is borderline bored when you have other sentences after it that have two or three of them. It would be far better to just describe how their reaction is more dramatic than the previous exclamation point than to just keep adding more. Likewise, with words, say that Mac was struggling with deep and agonizing emotion once, rather than clarifying it by saying that over and over with slightly different words. This alone would cut the book in half.
The story has no actual arc. It meanders around like someone writing a story, who’s hoping that the story will reveal itself as they write. The result is that it isn’t until the final fourth of the book that the reader starts to get any sense of what the stakes are or what the story is potentially building toward. Because of this, there isn’t really a clear conflict/resolution or eventual payoff for the reader. Pretty much everything with Will could have been scrapped once he was separated from the main character. It was extra length, but no real value to the main story.
Characters – 3/10
Charlotte is insufferable at times, a moron most of the times, and her reactions are far to irrational for the time period. My experience with women even just two generations ago is that they were much harder, more logical, and almost cold compared to modern women. I’ve heard that women of the west during the late 1800s were even stronger than that. Charlotte does not meet those expectations.
Mac is almost a solid character, and his actions are mostly consistent with his cold portrayal. However, there is a tendency to write the characters saying or doing one thing, while then describing their intent or thoughts as being completely inconsistent with their actions. Mac seems to suffer from this the most. He is cold, confident, and quiet, but then is described as almost cowardly, hesitant, and far too concerned with the opinions of others. It didn’t make him seem complex, it just made him seem inconsistent.
Will is kind of a throwaway character (which seems confirmed by they way Levi replaces him). There is much about his story that I have issue with, though I won’t go into them too much and spoil the story for anyone who happens to read this review and still wants to read the story. Charlotte’s interactions and feelings toward him are not compelling, only frustrating.
Levi, I don’t know. The ending wasn’t great. His arc might be the most interesting of the story, but also way darker than the rest of Charlotte’s arc, definitely certain scenes between these two are a bit much and rather graphically described. Somehow, it just wasn’t rewarding to get through.
JB is the worst. He is used far to much near the end of the book to push the plot, character interactions/development, and story forward. He’s not funny. Slapstick humor doesn’t really convey well in written word, or at least it doesn’t in this one. His sudden, and extreme attachment to Mac, especially after Mac does what Mac is known to do, is unbelievable.
In general, the men are not written that well, especially for the time period. Men who have experience murdering people just aren’t going to blush. Even in the modern day, most men I know who have fully gone through puberty don’t roll their eyes, or at least, not as often as occurs in this book.
History – 2/10
Whether it is the use of modern slang (like a woman being referred to as a cougar), or mentions of things that hadn’t yet occurred in history, once you start to notice these issues, it makes you question everything you read. Silencers were not produced yet for guns, finger prints were not yet used during criminal investigations (the first conviction from a finger print in the US wasn’t until 1910). These things are generally minor, could easily be fixed in a second edition, and wouldn’t by themselves be deal breakers, but it takes away from the one thing that could still stand out among the myriad problems that plague this story, the setting.
Closing/TLDR
I really believe this book needs a second edition. As the beginning to a projected seven book series, this is a huge barrier to entry. The future books will be far more successful if this foundation is made more approachable. The lack of a solid story arc isn’t even the worst thing in the world if it could be told in less than half the words. I can tell the author has the heart for writing, and I hope she keeps it up, but I also hope that she will grow in her writing, and seek more input from others before releasing her future work so no one will be able to claim that they are reading the first draft again.