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How Not to Fit In: An Unapologetic Guide to Navigating Autism and ADHD
’The lack of information around how ADHD and autism shows up in adults means that many of us have been assuming we were anxious, not working hard enough, or just entirely failing altogether.’ – Jess Joy and Charlotte Mia Written by two late-diagnosed neurodivergent women and the founders of fast-growing online community @IAmPayingAttention , HOW NOT TO FIT IN is an handbook-meets-rallying cry. Foregrounding real experiences with autism and ADHD, this book explores the journey of discovering, accepting and flourishing with your neurodivergent brain. It explores why getting diagnosis can be so fraught and gendered, and how to navigate a world which centres neurotypical brains in the realms of relationships, careers, friendships and finances. By reading this book, you’ Featuring the latest research and thinking on neurodivergence, contributions from dozens of experts and the real stories of people just like you , this innovative book – which has been written and designed especially for *spicy* brains – is essential reading for anyone whose brain seems to see the world in a different way.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published February 15, 2024
208 people are currently reading
1767 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 101 reviews
May 20, 2024
Language used is very much internet speak. I didn't like to be called spicy brained or bestie and have the casual swearing around all the time. It felt unnecessary. But those are just my pet peeves, because the book itself has amazing contents.
It takes your hand and in a way that no other book on autism I have read made it clear for me how to start living life as being Neurodivergent. And yes, it was very chill and my brain didn't get overloaded with information and it was all very accessible for me.
It takes your hand and in a way that no other book on autism I have read made it clear for me how to start living life as being Neurodivergent. And yes, it was very chill and my brain didn't get overloaded with information and it was all very accessible for me.
August 30, 2024
Listened to this as an audiobook and it was like a giant hug (saw someone else describe a book as a hug and loved it!)
March 18, 2024
It's not easy to write a book (in any case), but it's equal parts heart-breaking and heart-warming to see so much of myself on every page of this book. I am a late diagnosed ADHDer; suspected Autistic (surprise to any of my Goodreads friends who didn't know!) ...and in a world not built for us, it's hard to quantify the experiences we go through and to have that validated by other people. It's hard to just 'function' as we are 'supposed to' or to be understood. How can we explain things in a way that is clear and digestible and easy to understand? How do you set boundaries and ask for accommodations when you don't know what you need? How do you be kind to yourself in a world where it feels as though we are not kind to one-another? This was so full of quotes and wisdom and things I needed to hear. I'll be thinking about this book for days, weeks (and longer), to come. Thank You.
July 27, 2024
Be weary when reading “self-help” from someone with no credentials. Filled with misinformation. More of a memoir than anything else. The author spoke in a very “matter-of-fact” tone, when, in fact, she had no facts. Just her own life experiences.
January 7, 2025
If you're looking for a book that is from the perspective of self-diagnosis, late identification of ADHD and Autism, and a first look at the criteria, experiences, and disability that comes with neurodivergence - this could be a good place to start. I'd caution against finishing your journey here, however.
What I think this book does well:
- the authors share that they aren't professionals, but are people with lived experience
- the authors are open about their self-realization/self-diagnosis of AuDHD
- the book is written conversationally, kind of like listening to a friend share what they learned from their therapist
- the authors make some space for diversity and highlight where their limitations/privileges are
- there's lots of shared experiences in here that can be helpful to newly diagnosed/identified folks, and they span a good amount of topics (parenting, relationships and sexuality, work, school, etc)
Where I'm hesitant about this book:
- this book is kind of a compilation of what you might find about AuDHD on social media, just all in one spot
- this book also is kind of a map for the social model of disability and shows all the ways that the environment is disabling for AuDHDers... but then doesn't really do a whole lot beyond that
- self-diagnosis is valid *AND* just as research shouldn't exclude the lived experience, I think this excluded too much helpful research (Psychology Today article citations aren't really going far enough to be useful in my opinion)
- the conversational approach to this book sometimes comes off as too influencer/YouTuber/social media video
- sometimes the authors weren't as great as mentioning the disclaimers about facts and information shared and they presented information as facts that weren't really facts, just common social media narratives, which could lead to misinformation
If this book were a D+D campaign, I'd call this 'session zero' - where you all get together and discuss how you're going to earn experience points, the group social rules of the table, go over any triggers the group should be aware of, and start to build your character into the story. Basically... NEXT session is where you'd start the campaign at level 1. Session zeroes are great - they help people to know what to expect. But we typically don't play D+D for session zero.
Would I read it again? Probably not. Would I recommend it to clients as an AuDHDer and mental health professional? Mmm. Maybe, but with a LOT of disclaimers. And if people are already doing their research, this won't really serve as anything new other than to just compile it all in one session zero.
What I think this book does well:
- the authors share that they aren't professionals, but are people with lived experience
- the authors are open about their self-realization/self-diagnosis of AuDHD
- the book is written conversationally, kind of like listening to a friend share what they learned from their therapist
- the authors make some space for diversity and highlight where their limitations/privileges are
- there's lots of shared experiences in here that can be helpful to newly diagnosed/identified folks, and they span a good amount of topics (parenting, relationships and sexuality, work, school, etc)
Where I'm hesitant about this book:
- this book is kind of a compilation of what you might find about AuDHD on social media, just all in one spot
- this book also is kind of a map for the social model of disability and shows all the ways that the environment is disabling for AuDHDers... but then doesn't really do a whole lot beyond that
- self-diagnosis is valid *AND* just as research shouldn't exclude the lived experience, I think this excluded too much helpful research (Psychology Today article citations aren't really going far enough to be useful in my opinion)
- the conversational approach to this book sometimes comes off as too influencer/YouTuber/social media video
- sometimes the authors weren't as great as mentioning the disclaimers about facts and information shared and they presented information as facts that weren't really facts, just common social media narratives, which could lead to misinformation
If this book were a D+D campaign, I'd call this 'session zero' - where you all get together and discuss how you're going to earn experience points, the group social rules of the table, go over any triggers the group should be aware of, and start to build your character into the story. Basically... NEXT session is where you'd start the campaign at level 1. Session zeroes are great - they help people to know what to expect. But we typically don't play D+D for session zero.
Would I read it again? Probably not. Would I recommend it to clients as an AuDHDer and mental health professional? Mmm. Maybe, but with a LOT of disclaimers. And if people are already doing their research, this won't really serve as anything new other than to just compile it all in one session zero.
April 13, 2025
Despite the subtitle stating that this is a "guide to navigating autism and ADHD", there is very little practical advice in this book. I was also very surprised to discover that it was published in 2024, as it contains multiple pieces of old/outdated information (eg. referring to ADD, despite the DSM-IV replacing it with ADHD in 1994). The authors are social media influencers, which definitely comes through in the tone; it isn't just conversational, it's casual as hell. I didn't personally enjoy reading "spicy brains", "besties", or "babes" over and over again, but acknowledge that others might find that sort of language comforting. There aren't many books written specifically by AuDHDers for AuDHDers, so it's a real shame that this one just didn't resonate with me. If you skew younger, are just beginning your journey, and are looking for self-affirmation, you might enjoy reading it; I recommend checking your local library to see if they have a copy.
June 11, 2025
It was very condescending and sometimes the rationalization was stretching (legit "your honor, she's reaching"). It was very "you do you, bestie! Life is so hard!" And it did give infantilizimg vibes.
Some parts do encourage being proactive, especially about paying bills on time, but showering somehow got the "heehee sometimes I don't shower, even if I exercise" ?? Ma'am talk about dry shampoo and deodorant. That's the one you should give advice about. Out of all the things that you can neglect, showering is where you draw the line? *confused screaming thirty feet away where no one can smell you*
The actual advice in life skills is in the last three or four chapters, the entire book is just saying the world needs to change to accommodate disability. They're not wrong, but they're also not giving any tips for the meantime outside of dimming the lights and wearing headphones. It's a lot of personal anectdotes on what worked for them, but not a lot of action items.
Some parts do encourage being proactive, especially about paying bills on time, but showering somehow got the "heehee sometimes I don't shower, even if I exercise" ?? Ma'am talk about dry shampoo and deodorant. That's the one you should give advice about. Out of all the things that you can neglect, showering is where you draw the line? *confused screaming thirty feet away where no one can smell you*
The actual advice in life skills is in the last three or four chapters, the entire book is just saying the world needs to change to accommodate disability. They're not wrong, but they're also not giving any tips for the meantime outside of dimming the lights and wearing headphones. It's a lot of personal anectdotes on what worked for them, but not a lot of action items.
April 27, 2024
An honest, validating, and relatable book on life as a neurodivergent adult. As someone who has read quite a lot of books on neurodiversity already, this book isn’t groundbreaking, but I still enjoyed it a lot. It’s a book that I would recommend to all late-diagnosed individuals who feel alone or want to feel seen.
What makes this book especially amazing is that it’s written by two people who might have the same diagnosis, but not the same experiences. Jess and Charlotte would describe a symptom or situation of autism or ADHD, and then both describe their personal experiences with that symptom or situation. It’s such a good way of showing how autism/ADHD is a spectrum and expresses itself differently in every neurodivergent person
What makes this book especially amazing is that it’s written by two people who might have the same diagnosis, but not the same experiences. Jess and Charlotte would describe a symptom or situation of autism or ADHD, and then both describe their personal experiences with that symptom or situation. It’s such a good way of showing how autism/ADHD is a spectrum and expresses itself differently in every neurodivergent person
February 6, 2025
There were some helpful tidbits here and there, but overall, I struggled to get through this book—it felt like it took forever to read and the tone/pace didn’t hit for me. The perspective felt pretty limited, and it didn’t dig deep into the hard facts. On top of that, it was overly apologetic and quite honestly tried way too hard to be woke, which became distracting and repetitive. It was very clear this was written by Instagram influencers and not actual field professionals, which made it hard to take seriously at times.
January 12, 2024
As a late diagnosed ADHDer, this book was comforting and validating. It had helpful tips and refreshing ways to view neurodiversity which was bolstered by the realness and honesty of the writers’ personal experiences. I like how they spoke of similar struggles, but focused on how these struggles can manifest in such different ways making you truly realise there is no one way to be neurodivergent. A warm and friendly book that makes you feel like you’re not alone. [received as a proof]
March 10, 2024
Written by people on the spectrum for people on the spectrum.
I wish someone handed me this book with my diagnosis / this should've been the first book I read about the autism spectrum. It focuses on real people and their experiences and is overall just a very comforting and informing read.
I wish someone handed me this book with my diagnosis / this should've been the first book I read about the autism spectrum. It focuses on real people and their experiences and is overall just a very comforting and informing read.
September 5, 2024
i have a feeling this won't be the last time i read this
December 11, 2024
I got about a third of the way through this book, but after processing some of the information I had to DNF.
I did like that there were snippets of lived experiences that affirmed my experience with autism and adhd.
Unfortunately, it seems that some of the sources chosen were questionable as they were biased in one way or another. The one that got me thinking at first was about how they quoted one person who said that everyone is a little autistic because we live in a capitalist society that isn’t made for anyone’s brain. While capitalism isn’t perfect, it isn’t how every society currently or previously functioned and can’t explain why autism happens in other societies and cultures. Also, besides the fact that many in the autistic population don’t agree with “everyone is a little autistic”, this reasoning doesn’t account for so much of the autistic experience. I looked up the website of the person they quoted for this, and this person is heavily biased against capitalism. They don’t seem like the most reliable source for explaining the spectrum of autism, which leads me to question the reliability of other sources in the book.
I was interested in the book because it looked like a good resource for late diagnosed people to understand their autism diagnosis through shared experiences and coping methods. The first part was so political that it missed the mark on helping me understand my diagnosis and made me more confused. I think there is a need for what they were trying to do, but improvements could be made.
I did like that there were snippets of lived experiences that affirmed my experience with autism and adhd.
Unfortunately, it seems that some of the sources chosen were questionable as they were biased in one way or another. The one that got me thinking at first was about how they quoted one person who said that everyone is a little autistic because we live in a capitalist society that isn’t made for anyone’s brain. While capitalism isn’t perfect, it isn’t how every society currently or previously functioned and can’t explain why autism happens in other societies and cultures. Also, besides the fact that many in the autistic population don’t agree with “everyone is a little autistic”, this reasoning doesn’t account for so much of the autistic experience. I looked up the website of the person they quoted for this, and this person is heavily biased against capitalism. They don’t seem like the most reliable source for explaining the spectrum of autism, which leads me to question the reliability of other sources in the book.
I was interested in the book because it looked like a good resource for late diagnosed people to understand their autism diagnosis through shared experiences and coping methods. The first part was so political that it missed the mark on helping me understand my diagnosis and made me more confused. I think there is a need for what they were trying to do, but improvements could be made.
March 21, 2024
Yes, yes, YES! Such a great book for feeling seen, understood and validated. Everything's so easily broken down to make it accessible and it's all written in a way which isn't designed to alienate anyone and speaks to anyone who's ever felt "too much" or like an outsider in their own life. Jess and Mia, you're great x
June 6, 2024
4 ★
“Someone else's lack of understanding isn't your weight to carry.”
This book went above and beyond my expectations. It was validating and provided incredibly helpful information. Likely intended for a younger audience due to the frequent use of the term "bestie," but it didn't bother me too much.
“Someone else's lack of understanding isn't your weight to carry.”
This book went above and beyond my expectations. It was validating and provided incredibly helpful information. Likely intended for a younger audience due to the frequent use of the term "bestie," but it didn't bother me too much.
March 9, 2024
Ground breaking revolutionary book that transformed my outlook and blew my mind! So glad to have read this masterpiece of self discovery that is well considered and sooo good for the mind, body and soul. Will definitely keep this on my bookshelf to read again.
January 25, 2025
3.5 of 5 stars
So good in it's information but I was so cleary not their audience. I'am not their bestie. Written for GenZ...cleary!!
Still it was informative and I like the message that you are entitled to be an unapologetic neurodivergent person. So maybe 4 stars after all.. let me think.
So good in it's information but I was so cleary not their audience. I'am not their bestie. Written for GenZ...cleary!!
Still it was informative and I like the message that you are entitled to be an unapologetic neurodivergent person. So maybe 4 stars after all.. let me think.
March 24, 2024
Probably the most important book I've read in my life. Cried and laughed and said oooooohhhhhh on every page. What an important book.
July 23, 2024
Given that the book is about ADHD *and* autism, and that both authors are AuDHDers, I was surprised how little ADHD content was in it, or at least how little content felt more/solely ADHD vs. autism. I’m reading it for the autism side of things so I didn’t mind, but it was a weird thing I ended up thinking about a lot as I read.
This book is another decent one to add to your list if you’re looking for own voices/lived experience of what it means to be autistic/adhd/neurodivergent or how the (stereotypical) symptoms of the DSM-5 look in a real person. The authors do a lot of de-constructing around how neurodivergence is seen as a disability/thing that needs a cure, how capitalism/current Western society plays in that, and even how said society is essentially responsible for causing the “disability” faced by neurodivergent people. It’s very affirming to read things I’ve believed since I was diagnosed, and to be told we as neurodivergent people aren’t the problem; the system is the problem and changing it to benefit us actually benefits everyone else.
There is not really anything actionable in this book, so if you’re looking for a book to help you with daily living strategies, I don’t think you’d find what you’re looking for here. But if you want a comforting, motivating, but also realistic/not all silver linings view of the emotional journeys etc of someone who is neurodivergent, primarily with a focus on autism, then this book is a good start as it covers a wide range of subject matter in relation to being neurodivergent.
This book is another decent one to add to your list if you’re looking for own voices/lived experience of what it means to be autistic/adhd/neurodivergent or how the (stereotypical) symptoms of the DSM-5 look in a real person. The authors do a lot of de-constructing around how neurodivergence is seen as a disability/thing that needs a cure, how capitalism/current Western society plays in that, and even how said society is essentially responsible for causing the “disability” faced by neurodivergent people. It’s very affirming to read things I’ve believed since I was diagnosed, and to be told we as neurodivergent people aren’t the problem; the system is the problem and changing it to benefit us actually benefits everyone else.
There is not really anything actionable in this book, so if you’re looking for a book to help you with daily living strategies, I don’t think you’d find what you’re looking for here. But if you want a comforting, motivating, but also realistic/not all silver linings view of the emotional journeys etc of someone who is neurodivergent, primarily with a focus on autism, then this book is a good start as it covers a wide range of subject matter in relation to being neurodivergent.
July 16, 2025
I listened to the audiobook version and it was such a validating and healing ‘read’. I appreciated the raw and real life language, along with the experiences shared - I probably said “it’s not just me!??” out loud 100 times. The authors did a wonderful job of being inclusive, acknowledging privilege when necessary, and touching on topics and challenges that we (neurodivergent humans) struggle with every single day.
As a therapist, I will be using the book as a resource for my clients!
However, I caution readers to “self-diagnose”. Especially right now with how much adhd and autism is “trending”. Self-diagnosing can be invalidating to those that struggle with their neurodivergence. It’s a very blurry line with lots of barriers in play to receive a formal diagnosis. It felt important to mention this piece of the book and to caution readers to take that piece with a grain of salt.
As a therapist, I will be using the book as a resource for my clients!
However, I caution readers to “self-diagnose”. Especially right now with how much adhd and autism is “trending”. Self-diagnosing can be invalidating to those that struggle with their neurodivergence. It’s a very blurry line with lots of barriers in play to receive a formal diagnosis. It felt important to mention this piece of the book and to caution readers to take that piece with a grain of salt.
July 24, 2025
When I started this book I was less than a year into my diagnosis and was still in a place of anger, frustration and shame. Finishing it a year later I realise how much I’ve grown and how much healthier I am now. Then it was a book to help guide me, today it validates the decisions I’ve made to become then beat version of myself
July 24, 2024
Was skeptical about this due to the authors not being professionals in the field or medical professionals. However, hearing the perspective from two diagnosed women in the UK was phenomenal. I related so much to their experiences and learned some new insights on symptoms of ADHD. 4 stars!
April 4, 2024
I didn’t connect to it as well as i connect to other books but maybe it was because I couldn’t keep my focus onto it long enough. I did love the question section, it helped me to process the information easier.
May 11, 2024
Great book and audiobook! A great look at autism and ADHD in women across many facets of life, with perspectives from the authors and other neurodivergent women. (The only con is that i hate being referred to as "bestie" but that is just a detail.)
December 2, 2024
maybe i should write a book…
October 17, 2024
I really enjoyed the perspectives of both ADHD and autism in one book. I related deeply to the authors, and aligned with their messages of radical acceptance. I am very glad that I read it, however as someone who is 10 years into their journey with neurodivergence, there was nothing earth shattering about this book for me.
May 16, 2025
This was a really approachable look at how to start living life with your neurodivergent brain. I found the workbook really interesting and the questions were great to actually get me to dive deeper into my feelings around Autism and ADHD.
Highly recommend for anyone looking to get a little real life info on how to support someone who is neurodivergent as well!
Highly recommend for anyone looking to get a little real life info on how to support someone who is neurodivergent as well!
April 12, 2024
Really great read, educational for everyone and really good read for those who struggle to stay on task or to stay connected to reading books.
March 29, 2024
Felt very encouraging, like talking to a very good friend giving you advice without seeming like theyre talking from a place above you you as many other books on the topic do. I very much recommend.
October 5, 2024
I really want this book to be re-edited to omit all the times it calls neurodivergent people “spicy” so I can rate it higher.
Seriously- I respect any way a person wants to relate to their own neurodivergence and navigate their life to the best of their abilities, but I hate having my disability “fun” coded with a term like neurospicy. I reject the term for myself and I highly recommend not casually referring to others that way, “bestie.”
I’m honestly just bummed because I’ve been looking for a book to share with loved ones and this was so close to being “it” That said, I really don’t feel good about asking someone to read this knowing that my diagnosis is constantly quirkified.
Seriously- I respect any way a person wants to relate to their own neurodivergence and navigate their life to the best of their abilities, but I hate having my disability “fun” coded with a term like neurospicy. I reject the term for myself and I highly recommend not casually referring to others that way, “bestie.”
I’m honestly just bummed because I’ve been looking for a book to share with loved ones and this was so close to being “it” That said, I really don’t feel good about asking someone to read this knowing that my diagnosis is constantly quirkified.
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