Motherhood: Feminism's Unfinished Business

by Eliane Glaser

‘Why, after decades of social progress, is motherhood still so much harder than it needs to be?’

Before they become mothers, women are repeatedly reminded that their biological clock is ticking. Once pregnant, a woman’s body becomes public property: she is patronised, panicked, and forbidden from exercising her autonomy. In labour, women’s wishes are overridden, resulting in potentially life-changing injuries and trauma.

When the baby comes home, women begin a life of pay cuts, lost job opportunities, heavier housework, unequal emotional loads, and judgement from all sides. State support and family networks have fallen away, and mothers are censured for every ‘choice’ they make – if they are given real choices at all.

In this searing and vital book, Eliane Glaser asks why mothers are idealised, yet treated so poorly; why campaigns for mothers have become so unfashionable; and what we need to do to shift the needle and improve the business of child-rearing for everyone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Parenting

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 27, 2021

Reviews

[Celeste · Rating 3 out of 5]

I almost gave this book 2 stars but the last chapter I felt added a bit of value.

For most of the book I felt like the author was cherry picking evidence to suit her narrative. Drinking when trying to conceive? Letting the babies cry it out? Spanking? It's all fine because children used to have it much much worse. It's all 'good enough'.

Society does put a lot of pressure on mothers as soon as they announce they are pregnant. And it doesn't stop. Yes, we are expected to do it all and that is unfair. But any solutions should call for greater gender equality, not just on paper but in our homes. Normalising sharing the load -not just physical but most importantly emotional. We should expect more of fathers not settle for just barely good enough parenting because mothers are too overwhelmed. And understanding that parenting will always involve sacrifices even when the best policies are in place.

[Ketevan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book attempts to present a history of Anglo motherhood, personal anecdotes from the author, and a "manifesto," which is supposed to be a call for specific policies. Because all three are attempted, all three in turn are failures. The author is clearly a fan of psychoanalysis, and she inserts dozens of psychoanalysts' opinions without any acknowledgment that psychoanalysis is an extremely controversial sub-field of psychology.

She presents a lot of her ideas in the idea that authority bodies' recommendations are based in little data. While this is true, she fails to acknowledge why this is the case, claiming that researchers are "disinclined" to do research on pregnancy and even goes so far as claiming that researchers do not want to research drug safety to avoid a scandal. She goes on and on about the flaws about observational studies, which is true but doesn't have the capacity to discuss this with nuance. She wants to have the data from randomized control trials (the best form of evidence) and claims that the "excuses" of these studies being unethical is "bunk." So essentially, she is saying that as a society we should randomize pregnant women into two groups: drinking alcohol vs. not; smoking vs. not; taking a drug vs. not, etc. and then have high-quality evidence to know which of these things are harmful. She does not present any solutions as to how to find pregnant women willing to participate in this research. As a prenatal health researcher, I can tell you a few of the ways this has been done in the past: incentivizing poor women to participate by providing healthcare, food, or money; lying to women about the real risks; using prison populations who do not have a choice. Which of these methods does Glaser suggest we use as researchers, hmm? Or does she demand the results of high-quality research without being willing to put her and her child's body on the line...all so she can be really sure that it's okay to have a glass of wine in the first trimester?

She frequently discusses a specific recommendation by saying "gotcha!" to the authority body that has published a recommendation. For example, she decries the NHS for saying that formula can contain bacteria, because it's not the FORMULA that contains bacteria, but rather unsanitary bottles/nipples....how else would she propose you get the formula into the baby's body? The two go together and it seems quite ridiculous to claim that a lack of full clarification on the exact source of the bacteria is problematic.

This brings up my main gripe. In the conclusion, Glaser does all she can to ensure us she hasn't let motherhood turn her away from feminism, which I find odd that anyone would accuse her of. I am quite sure she is a feminist, a white affluent feminist who is mostly concerned with the societal issues that affect her personally. She will occasionally acknowledge that poor mothers or mothers of color may have it worse but never goes beyond two sentences discussing it. Her brief treatsie on screen time conveniently leaves out the unfortunate reality that many children live in dangerous neighborhoods where they cannot be out with an adult, let alone alone. She describes the reality that white, affluent women are pressured to breastfeed by hospital staff, while Black mothers aren't given sufficient information or support, because staff use population demographics and pre-judge who will be willing to breastfeed. Two infuriating realities that she equates with equal levels of outrage, if not more outrage for the pressure to breastfeed. This demonstrates how self-centered this work is, since it happens to people like her, and induces guilt/shame (something she clearly has had to deal with a lot) it is worse. Somehow it seems impossible to acknowledge that withholding care and information about breastfeeding because the patient is Black is 1000% times worse than pushing it on another patient.

Rest of review is in the comments

[Nicola · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone expecting their first baby imminently, I found this book vital reading and really helped me assert myself and halt some of the feelings of being completely overwhelmed by all the 'parenting advice' that comes your way in various forms when you are expecting. It has lead to some really useful and beneficial conversations with my husband about how we intend to share the load and the pitfalls that potentially await. I highly recommend this book to anyone expecting. I didn't give it five stars for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it didn't read/feel like a manifesto. The chapters were not summarised as calls to action that were listed as a document in its own right at the end. It misses that in your face, here is what we can take forward that I expect from a manifesto. Secondly, I feel that it was aimed at mother's (obviously) but part of the issue is that men/partners, are not seen as needing to be more pro-active and part of the feminist conversation around parenthood and it was a missed opportunity. Overall, though, incredibly well researched and a really satisfying and validating read.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Weirdly, this was a bit disappointing.
Some reflexions about the realities of modern motherhood were right and totally on point, but then the author went absolutely over board with her own narrative which I did not agree with. Her point is: one motherhood style is more valued than the others today, it's child-centered, based on a vague ideal of "return to nature" and "animal" parenting, and it alienates women terribly when it's really not benefic at all.

First of all, that's not my experience. As a mother, you'll be criticized whether you use formula OR if you breastfeed ("is it really decent to show your breasts like that? are you sure your milk is enough? that kid likes this too much, you should wean it, it's not an healthy attachment"), whether you go back to work fast OR stay at home for three years, whether you cosleep OR sleep-train your kid.

Secondly, I won't be convinced that breastfeeding brings "no benefits whatsoever", that drink alcohol while pregnant is "not so risky, really" and that it doesn't matter so much if the mother doesn't see their child a lot because, yeah, whatever, in some African tribe the kid is raised by the paternal uncles when they reach the age of 1. Glaser mentions some studies going again the tide to support her narrative... After mentioning, just to criticize them and denounce the pressure on mothers, a bunch of other studies saying just the contrary. You can justify anything with some studies.

I missed some reflexions about how we could reconcile a somewhat close parenting style with a carrier. There's almost nothing said about the parent relationship and about modern dads. About sharing mental loads and home chores. About how the mother-child relationship is such a privilege, but crippling as the same time since it makes you the primary carer for the child and therefore hardly replaceable.

So yes: all in all, a disappointing read.

[Olivia Behjat · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thought-provoking and rousing manifesto that really taps into motherhood as a feminist issue. I learned a lot of (terrifying) facts about the reality of how mothers are positioned in different areas of society including healthcare, work and play. To be honest it made me quite angry and was difficult to read at times. I agree with most of the authors points throughout the book. However, lot of the claims in the second half about domestic labour, though I know them to be true for women, were not backed up with empirical studies beyond dubious statistics. I know research in this area is under-funded and scarce but in its place perhaps there could have been more concrete anecdotal evidence; such as qualitative interviews done by the author. I just worry it is too easy for men to dismiss some of this as society's problem, while *they* of course are doing enough to support women in their lives... It's a shame I have to hold feminist authors to such a high standard of rigour but I think preaching to the choir was more what was happening here, rather than changing the minds of those who are entrenched in the patriarchy.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Curiously disappointing.

[Jie Hui · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is less structured than I thought, there is no clear statement of central thought in each chapter and instead readers are presented with a compilation of information here and there, and are left to figure out what's the author's stand on the issues presented.

However, the book did present an interesting take on the history of natural birth and all the "natural" ways of parenting, prompting more questions and further readings on why the society is pushing for more child-centered parenting style, which is ideal but harder to achieve especially with both parents working. The immense and unrealistic pressure being put on women, the guilt and disappointment women feel when they could not be the perfect parent. The conclusion of the book came somehow weak but it raised a valid point of the need to create a more equal and supportive environment, not for women to "have it all" or "do it all", but to be a good-enough mother.

Though I can't help noticing the absence of the partner in all these conversations in the book.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

This sentence from the final chapter sums it up for me: Mothers "are expected to do whatever they can to improve their children's life chances, however marginal the gain to the child, and however weighty the cost to her". This book is about accepting that mothers can be good enough without needing to be perfect, and it argues that if Western society values mothers and children, it could be doing a heck of a lot more than just putting "natural motherhood" on a pedestal.

None of this should be revolutionary or require a "manifesto", but here we are...

[Mika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and eye opening account of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum and parenting that mothers experience today. Glaser supports her points with studies and statistics that are presented in a way that's easy to understand and ties in well with the narrative. Definitely worth the read for

[Catherine Flavelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

All I can say is as a mother of a four and two year old I felt heard. I particularly found the section about needing to be creative job wise after the monotony but equally chaotic nature of maternity leave which felt very true my end.

[Rose The Hat · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was written by a woman who, during lockdown, had a live-in nanny, housekeeper and chef. She does no housework, little childcare, and has been wealthy her entire life. How dare she take up space, telling untrue stories of lives she could only ever (badly) imagine.

[Daisy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important to write and important to hear but sometimes felt a bit personal

[Ana Vale · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book allowed me to “do” the therapy I hadn’t been able to do before and I have an eternal debt to Eliane Glaser for that.

[Clara Pisuc · Rating 2 out of 5]

It’s a selfish perspective. It has some truths, like the little help fathers offer when raising a child, but for the most part, the author complains about the hardships a mother goes through, and even tries to scientifically prove that a mother can neglect her child’s needs for her own benefits. Giving birth with analgesics is encouraged, without taking into consideration the effect oxytocin (released at a natural birth) has for the fast recovery of the mom and the well being of the baby. It is true that motherhood is hard and society should be more helpful, but ignorance is not the answer