I Am Happy: A Memoir of Child Loss

by Erin Benson

This is not a story about a boy who lived. Or parents who risked it all to save their child. Or miracle cures, miracle workers, or miracles generally. This is a story about a mother who learned to live without her boy.

Eleven days before giving birth to twin daughters, Erin learns that her two-year-old son, Sam, has terminal brain cancer. She and her husband, Mike, turn their lives upside down to care for their three children, knowing one of them will die, and to build a new world – one in which Sam can be happy.

Inspired by Sam’s final words, I am happy is a memoir in which a mother’s deeply held beliefs about who we are, what we do, what we deserve, and the meaning of happiness and unconditional love are incinerated by the experience of caring for and losing a terminally ill child. Without these beliefs, Erin finds something the freedom to be present for all of life’s gifts, the freedom to become a truer and happier version of herself, and the freedom to mother a child who is no longer alive.

193 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 6, 2022

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just WOW!

I know we've all faced challenges, trauma and triumphs in this life and I have had my share, but as I read this book, I couldn't help but wonder "How are these parents still standing and living life after all they've endured? I can't imagine the shock and horror of having a precious child diagnosed with a terminal illness just a week and a half or so before giving birth to twin girls via c-section. Having to juggle caring for your toddler as he goes through radiation and surgery, along with him having been diagnosed previously with another disease that put him in a body cast, feeding and caring for newborns, your marriage, jobs etc and being determined to spend the time that is left, making your sick child happy and building memories! That is, in a nutshell, an abbreviated synopsis of this book.
And Sam. How does one give due tribute to the memory of such a luminous precious soul? With this book, his mom Erin does an awesome job! I felt almost like I knew Sam. He seemed so wise beyond his years, a great big brother, a wonderful son, grandchild, nephew and friend. Funny sense of humor (squirrels eat chicken nuggets? LOL) and just a sweet boy that should still have his whole life ahead of him. That said, I personally believe he does, but in a different form, with his Creator, his body knows no pain, scars, fear, and cancer doesn't exist. I believe that as a Christian but also as someone who had covid, pneumonia, was hospitalized , went into respiratory failure and kidney problems caused by covid and almost died. I have never experienced such unmitigated joy. As Sam said, I too felt "I am happy!"
Great book. I wish the Benson family the very best and I know Sam's legacy lives on through his family and friends.

[Jordynn Jack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking and honest. I enjoyed that interleaving effect of this book. Rather than taking us chronologically through her experiences the author uses shorter vignettes to cover the experience of loving a dying child and working through loss. The author avoids the cliches that often go with this experience.

[jeanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life Lesson

Life lesson from a five year old via his mother's point of view. Just proves that happiness is not the things we are all searching for. May God bless you Erin Benson for sharing your story with this fellow grieving Mom. 💙💙

[Judi E. Musick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bravely Honest

This book is many things: A loving mom's tribute to the shortened life of her son, a road map of her grief for others to identify with, a raw sharing of joy and grief. Thank you!

[Lin F · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a fellow grieving mom, I appreciate that Erin was so capable of sharing her experiences through this book. Watching your child die from illness comes with many complicated feelings that are difficult to express, but she does so beautifully. I’m glad to have discovered and read this memoir.

[Krystal Sullivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I hate rating memoirs, because I understand how difficult it is to write the truth for all of the public to see, to face your tragedies head on, again, for the sake of sharing a story. Keep your kids happy. Hold them tight. Remember no day is ever promised.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful story about love and loss and presence and honoring the little things that make up the blueprint of a life. Incredibly well written and lovely.

[Billie Atkins · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it was a very good book. However, I would have liked to have known more about how it affected her marriage and children as it have to have done so.

[Tracy Conner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing read. True story of a mom of 3 in Charleston, SC that loses her son to brain cancer. Their struggles, heartache, love and joy as they navigate childhood terminal cancer.

[Caitlin Ashby · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a bereaved mother, this book hit home for me. What an incredible tribute to a perfect little boy. Erin is so inspiring and I can’t wait to read the book she wrote with her husband.

[Judy Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

a hard read, but so worth it

The words are so raw. This mother gave of herself so she could share this story with others. Beautifully written. And burning with life.

[Kim Wills · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written account of loss and hope.

[Bittersweet · Rating 5 out of 5]

After so many disappointments and all the energy his devoted loving family expended to help give their little boy good experiences -- leaving his mother and father exhausted and financially broken -- the title of this book is the priceless gift he gave to them. A remarkable little boy whose parents were exactly who he needed.