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Goodbye Again
CANDACE LOST HER SON. TWICE.
The first time to adoption and the second not long after reuniting with him. In this heart-wrenching and heart-warming memoir, Candace Cahill offers an intimate view of child relinquishment and child loss, the definition of motherhood, and how two things can be true at one time.
“Incisive… insightful… a clear perspective… Goodbye Again deserves space on the well-informed person’s adoption bookshelf.” ~ Lori Holden, Writer, Author, and Podcaster of The Long View
“Goodbye Again reads like great fiction… I felt like I was living the experience right along with the author.” ~ Julia Stolle, MSW, LSW, Adoptee, Adoptive Parent
“An authentically raw, candid memoir of coming full circle in hope and healing.” ~ Carol Borg, Avid Reader
The first time to adoption and the second not long after reuniting with him. In this heart-wrenching and heart-warming memoir, Candace Cahill offers an intimate view of child relinquishment and child loss, the definition of motherhood, and how two things can be true at one time.
“Incisive… insightful… a clear perspective… Goodbye Again deserves space on the well-informed person’s adoption bookshelf.” ~ Lori Holden, Writer, Author, and Podcaster of The Long View
“Goodbye Again reads like great fiction… I felt like I was living the experience right along with the author.” ~ Julia Stolle, MSW, LSW, Adoptee, Adoptive Parent
“An authentically raw, candid memoir of coming full circle in hope and healing.” ~ Carol Borg, Avid Reader
- GenresAdoption
221 pages, Kindle Edition
Published November 9, 2022
48 people want to read
About the author
Candace Cahill
1 book13 followersCandace Cahill is a first mother and NPE. She grew up in rural Central Minnesota with no running water or electricity, and by the time she graduated from high school, she’d learned books were an oasis and her guitar a good friend. After earning a Social Work degree, she embarked on a year-long bicycle trip across North America before settling in Alaska. An artist at heart, she is a self-taught silversmith, singer/songwriter, and plays the guitar, banjo, bass, and saxophone. Candace resides with her husband, Tom, in Denali, Alaska, and works as a Park Ranger during the summer months.
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
May 15, 2023
Such a moving story. As a mother it touched my heart in many ways even though I have not experienced the loss that Candace has. Any mom should read this but I believe anyone who has been a part of the adoption experience would gain so much from this!
February 25, 2024
This book is deeply moving and takes readers on an emotional journey. It offers a perspective on adoption that society rarely sees. It stands as a remarkable piece of adoption literature and is truly a must-read.
November 22, 2022
The depth of grief for birth mothers of adopted children is made all too clear in this heart-warming and eye-opening story of personal growth, resilience, and love. Candace Cahill takes us on a journey through tumultuous years of finding her footing and finding herself, while losing, finding, and then losing her son, Michael, again. While no adoption is perfect, this is a story of open adoption at its best.
November 22, 2022
I was so incredibly moved by this very vulnerable and honest depiction of grief and sorrow. While I believe it will be immensely helpful to anyone who has experienced any end of adoption, birth mother or adoptee... this book is really for anyone who has experienced love and loss. Beautifully written and expressed! Highly recommend!
November 15, 2022
"I received an early copy of this book from the author, and I’m reviewing it voluntarily."
As a bereaved parent myself, I cannot even imagine losing the same child twice. In "Goodbye, Again," Candace Cahill walks us through the agony of being convinced to give her son up for adoption, and then after finally meeting him years later, loses him to unknown causes when he dies in his sleep before they had a chance to meet again. "Goodbye, Again" will not only break your heart, but put it back together when Candace describes the tools she used to create a meaningful life and to show compassion for her abusive mother as she died a slow death. "Goodbye, Again" is a must read for first mothers, adoptees who wish to understand the circumstances that lead their birth mother to give them up for adoption, bereaved parents, and anyone interested in how to navigate devastating circumstances as they search for their lighthouse in the dark.
M.M Monroe
As a bereaved parent myself, I cannot even imagine losing the same child twice. In "Goodbye, Again," Candace Cahill walks us through the agony of being convinced to give her son up for adoption, and then after finally meeting him years later, loses him to unknown causes when he dies in his sleep before they had a chance to meet again. "Goodbye, Again" will not only break your heart, but put it back together when Candace describes the tools she used to create a meaningful life and to show compassion for her abusive mother as she died a slow death. "Goodbye, Again" is a must read for first mothers, adoptees who wish to understand the circumstances that lead their birth mother to give them up for adoption, bereaved parents, and anyone interested in how to navigate devastating circumstances as they search for their lighthouse in the dark.
M.M Monroe
November 16, 2022
I could not put this memoir down, and then I had a hard time finishing it because I didn't want it to be over! Goodbye Again brings you along through so many emotions; Love, fear, guilt, anger, joy, calm, happiness, courage. You journey with Candace through building a life after choosing to place her son Michael for adoption. It includes a love story, adventure, learning to work toward inner peace and the shattering of that work, to bringing herself back up through despair with help from her loving husband and acquired family. It is an inspiring story of resilience, and to be given such an intimate view of her life was an honor.
April 6, 2024
I LOVED this book. Candace is a fabulous writer and does such a beautiful job of bringing us into her world and feeling the devastating impact of losing her son twice. It is such a compelling story told by a voice that needs to be heard. Thank you, Candace for sharing your story!
November 13, 2022
Goodbye Again, written by Candace Cahill grabs your heart from the first page as the author recounts facing an unexpected pregnancy in the early 1990s. Candace writes in an open, honest, and engaging manner. You feel as though you are right next to her as she is guided through a series of “decision-making exercises,” provided by the agency she turned to for counsel.
The agency counsel, and societal and family pressure ultimately lead the author to believe she is not ready or worthy of being a parent. She chooses to relinquish her parental rights. While she finds comfort in feeling her decision is in the best interest of her child, she is left haunted and grieving.
Candace and her son eventually reunite only to have that reunion cut short forcing her to say goodbye again.
As a first/birth mother, I understand the long-lasting trauma of losing your child to adoption. Candace’s story of working through grief and shame is an important addition to understanding the impact of adoption on all those involved.
I highly recommend this book to all members of the adoption constellation, including mental health professionals, therapists, and social workers. Adoption touches so many lives, this book is an important addition to the understanding and acceptance we all crave.
I received a copy of this book via the author and am reviewing it voluntarily.
The agency counsel, and societal and family pressure ultimately lead the author to believe she is not ready or worthy of being a parent. She chooses to relinquish her parental rights. While she finds comfort in feeling her decision is in the best interest of her child, she is left haunted and grieving.
Candace and her son eventually reunite only to have that reunion cut short forcing her to say goodbye again.
As a first/birth mother, I understand the long-lasting trauma of losing your child to adoption. Candace’s story of working through grief and shame is an important addition to understanding the impact of adoption on all those involved.
I highly recommend this book to all members of the adoption constellation, including mental health professionals, therapists, and social workers. Adoption touches so many lives, this book is an important addition to the understanding and acceptance we all crave.
I received a copy of this book via the author and am reviewing it voluntarily.
April 16, 2023
WOW! In the best sense of the word, WOW!!! Candace lays out the story in such a way that is both compelling and heart-wrenching at the same time. This tragic story of pain beyond measure, tribulation, love, and redemption is a must read for all who have experienced tragic loss of a loved one. For me, this book is full of hope!! I have read through it multiple times and discovered newness each time. It is such a complex story with many twists and turns that brought me and my heart right into it. Highly recommend for anyone who enjoys a well-written, eloquent, and full-bodied narration. I felt as though I was sitting with Candace several times in her bigger moments as she told them. I cried with you, laughed, with you, ached with you, and celebrated with you Candace. Thank you for sharing such important and needed subject matter. I wish you continued growth as you continue your mission in continuing the conversation. Much gratitude 🙏
December 19, 2023
Candace almost started her life as a young adult on the wrong foot. She made a decision almost entirely alone, that would have resounding aftershocks on her life.
Candace chose to provide her baby with a better life by opting for adoption. She agonized over the decision with minimal help and clung onto every update she received of her baby until the updates stopped completely.
By this stage, Candace had met a partner who supported her better than she could have imagined, since hiding her shame from the world previously.
Candace learnt to show herself compassion and one of the biggest tips I gained from reading her memoir is that we can both regret a decision and know it was the right one, at the same time. A mindshift worth its weight in gold.
Candace chose to provide her baby with a better life by opting for adoption. She agonized over the decision with minimal help and clung onto every update she received of her baby until the updates stopped completely.
By this stage, Candace had met a partner who supported her better than she could have imagined, since hiding her shame from the world previously.
Candace learnt to show herself compassion and one of the biggest tips I gained from reading her memoir is that we can both regret a decision and know it was the right one, at the same time. A mindshift worth its weight in gold.
October 20, 2024
This is a beautifully written story about the raw emotions of the loss birth/ first mothers face in losing their child to adoption ( whether by choice or forced or coerced). The description of the agony faced, self doubt and climbing up from the depths of depression are so real and well described by the writer. Thank you for sharing an honest perspective and letting people know what pain is felt by the first mom. Heartfelt condolences for facing this all over again with such permanence. Your writing is an inspiration and hearing your voice lets others know they are not alone. What a beautiful way to honor Michael and the beautiful relationship you developed with his adoptive family and community.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 17, 2022
This memoir tugged at my heart. Cahill's story of giving up her son to adoption as a young woman, then losing him when he died as a young man, not too long after they'd reunited, gives readers a unique look at adoption from a side we don't hear from too often. This story is beautifully-told, introspective, and intimate. The relationship with her husband is to be admired: we can just feel the love and support coming from him. And her friendship with her son's adoptive father is also heartwarming. Cahill processes her pain in these pages with candor, and in so doing I suspect she will help many people through many different types of loss and grief.
February 9, 2024
Candace Cahill has written a powerfully moving memoir about loss, acceptance, and forgiveness. I admire her ability to capture the essence of her truth--she shares with honesty, vulnerability, and grace. I love how this memoir moves not only as a story of events but also as a work of transformation as a young, scared mother ventures into the world of childless motherhood to confront her reality and to ultimately come to terms with her decisions and her capacity for love and gratitude. A beautiful book!
April 7, 2024
“Goodbye Again” is an extraordinary book that offers a heartfelt and inspiring account of adoption from the birthmother's perspective. This beautifully written memoir delves deep into the emotional journey of a birthmother, showcasing the strength, love, grief and longing that accompanies the decision to place a child for adoption. Through her words, Candace sheds light on the doubts, fears, and sadness that birthmothers face, capturing the essence of their unique stories with empathy and understanding. Highly recommend this for anyone touched by adoption.
December 10, 2022
Beautiful, touching memoir about adoption, loss and forgiveness. I was captivated by her story and found it hard to put the book down. I learned so much about the complex emotions surrounding placing a baby for adoption and navigating a relationship with the child once reunited. Cahill surprised me at the end by sharing her wisdom regarding another matter that deeply resonated with me. Buy this book- you will continue thinking about it long after you put it down!
December 29, 2022
In Goodbye Again, Candace Cahill describes her life journey, including giving her son for adoption, regaining contact with him, only to lose him again. She describes some of her childhood traumas, personal issues, her anxieties and grief, as well as sharing her healing with helpful tools and techniques.
December 20, 2022
A beautiful and heartbreaking story written in a voice that brings every reader right along with Candace on her journey of placing her son for adoption and then losing him again. I cried, I smiled, I couldn't stop turning the pages. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Candace!
March 25, 2023
The author’s memoir about meeting her son twice: at birth before his adoption and as a young man, three years before his death. A story about heartbreak and healing, a story about families and relationships, a story masterfully crafted and told.
July 20, 2023
A brave and honest telling of a heartbreaking story.
March 27, 2024
A beautifully written story of a first mother. As an adoptee, I found it heartbreaking, frustrating, redeeming, and healing page after page. I would definitely recommend reading it.
July 12, 2024
I imagine this book took a lot of courage to write. I wish only the best to the author, who seems to have an incredibly generous spirit even after her profound double loss.
June 2, 2023
amazingly honest and open
Subscriber’s wife… As a Korean adoptee, child sexual abuse survivor and birth mom I appreciate the healing from Candace’s book. I’ve been debating about my own book, we’ll see if it’s The Lord’s will. Also proves the importance of choosing the right spouse. We were both so blessed. Happy Birth-Mother’s Day Candace and thanks
Subscriber’s wife… As a Korean adoptee, child sexual abuse survivor and birth mom I appreciate the healing from Candace’s book. I’ve been debating about my own book, we’ll see if it’s The Lord’s will. Also proves the importance of choosing the right spouse. We were both so blessed. Happy Birth-Mother’s Day Candace and thanks
March 29, 2023
I truly feel privileged that I got the opportunity to read Candace Cahill's memoir. I knew nothing about her beforehand, not really certain what "Goodbye Again" actually entailed. I was certain that I would respect her lived experience, but I was not positive that I would understand her general thoughts and reflections. Overall, though, the book is a powerful one - most definitely due to the fact that Cahill remained open, honest, and vulnerable throughout the memoir. Thus, it provided great guidance to me in my professional career.
I think that the following quote, on page 50, truly embodies just what I mean here. After placement, Cahill reflects: "Despite the counseling I'd receceived, I didn't know how to navigate the intense emotions related to Michael, or any feelings for that matter. My default was to block, deny, or mask feelings. And I thought maybe I wouldn't drown if I could restrict them within a defined framework. So, this routine became ritual-like in its solemnity - sitting on my bedroom floor, alone, wherever I happened to live, devouring the contents of each new update. Then, I'd pull out the previous updates and incorporate all the photos into my painstakingly crafted pattern. On the days I'd felt strong and resolute, I reread all the letters, but sometimes I could only bear to look at the pictures.
"Viewing the photos gave me a sense of security and comfort in the lives they were building together. A fullness. Visual confirmation of things I never had and never could give, and proof I'd chosen wisely. And no matter how much time passed, I craved assurance that Michael was safe, so I performed the photo montage ritual on other days too. His birthday. Mother's Day. Anytime I needed a reminder that he was okay. During the first couple of years, I laid out the photos and read the letters everycouple of weeks; then slowly, as if a scab had grown over a wound, I picked at it less and less. But every time I finished laying out the photo collage and rereading the letters, I pulled out his blue baby blanket, lifted it to my face, and inhaled. The grief would start in the back of my throat and burst to the surface, spewing forth in a torrent.
"Over the years, my tears washed away Michael's scent until only the smell of sadness remained."
For something that happened a considerable amount of time ago, Cahill is able to paint a picture of her experience so clearly that I could easily have been convinced it was in the recent past. Instead of revising her experience, she continues to be open about the complex feelings of adoption. These feelings included her doubt that she made the "right" choice, especially once she learns more about Michael's childhood; how badly she wished to rush her reunion experience; reconciling her family's own ways of coping with the adoption; and more. I particularly appreciated the role of her husband throughout the book, as he continually reminded her to slow down and consider Michael's perspective. Ultimately, the adoptee is the one person who had no choice in the placement, and I think that Cahill's husband did an excellent job of reminding her of that. It is a true testament to her character that she chose to take in his feedback and consider her actions as a result.
If you are looking for a book about the birth mother's experience, I highly recommend this memoir. I can tell that Candace put a lot of thought into her experience and that she still takes the topic of adoption to heart. These considerations are evidenced by her usage of the term "first mother," social work and policy implications, and just general statements. Her reflections would be good for families who are planning or who have adopted as they consider the first family experience, especially regarding their child.
I think that the following quote, on page 50, truly embodies just what I mean here. After placement, Cahill reflects: "Despite the counseling I'd receceived, I didn't know how to navigate the intense emotions related to Michael, or any feelings for that matter. My default was to block, deny, or mask feelings. And I thought maybe I wouldn't drown if I could restrict them within a defined framework. So, this routine became ritual-like in its solemnity - sitting on my bedroom floor, alone, wherever I happened to live, devouring the contents of each new update. Then, I'd pull out the previous updates and incorporate all the photos into my painstakingly crafted pattern. On the days I'd felt strong and resolute, I reread all the letters, but sometimes I could only bear to look at the pictures.
"Viewing the photos gave me a sense of security and comfort in the lives they were building together. A fullness. Visual confirmation of things I never had and never could give, and proof I'd chosen wisely. And no matter how much time passed, I craved assurance that Michael was safe, so I performed the photo montage ritual on other days too. His birthday. Mother's Day. Anytime I needed a reminder that he was okay. During the first couple of years, I laid out the photos and read the letters everycouple of weeks; then slowly, as if a scab had grown over a wound, I picked at it less and less. But every time I finished laying out the photo collage and rereading the letters, I pulled out his blue baby blanket, lifted it to my face, and inhaled. The grief would start in the back of my throat and burst to the surface, spewing forth in a torrent.
"Over the years, my tears washed away Michael's scent until only the smell of sadness remained."
For something that happened a considerable amount of time ago, Cahill is able to paint a picture of her experience so clearly that I could easily have been convinced it was in the recent past. Instead of revising her experience, she continues to be open about the complex feelings of adoption. These feelings included her doubt that she made the "right" choice, especially once she learns more about Michael's childhood; how badly she wished to rush her reunion experience; reconciling her family's own ways of coping with the adoption; and more. I particularly appreciated the role of her husband throughout the book, as he continually reminded her to slow down and consider Michael's perspective. Ultimately, the adoptee is the one person who had no choice in the placement, and I think that Cahill's husband did an excellent job of reminding her of that. It is a true testament to her character that she chose to take in his feedback and consider her actions as a result.
If you are looking for a book about the birth mother's experience, I highly recommend this memoir. I can tell that Candace put a lot of thought into her experience and that she still takes the topic of adoption to heart. These considerations are evidenced by her usage of the term "first mother," social work and policy implications, and just general statements. Her reflections would be good for families who are planning or who have adopted as they consider the first family experience, especially regarding their child.
December 31, 2023
In Candace Cahill’s debut memoir, Goodbye Again, the author probes her grief over losing a son she had given up for adoption, reuniting with him years later, then losing him when he dies in his sleep before they had a chance to meet again.
The story opens as Candace faces decisions about her unplanned pregnancy. She agrees to give her son up in an open adoption, one where she can choose the adoptive parents. After relinquishing her son, she struggles with her choice. Readers are provided with an unflinching analysis of her experience of adoption and reluctance to share her grief. We are taken on a journey through personal growth, resilience, and love. The author brings together elements of a well-constructed novel— compelling and poignant—as Candace gives us a dive into the process of healing.
This memoir is filled with many poignant scenes, but the scene that made me sob uncontrollably was when Candace stands beside her son’s coffin and says, “I’m sorry I didn’t try harder… I’m sorry we didn’t have more time…I’m sorry I couldn’t be your mom,”.
The author deftly describes her cast of characters. My favorite was Candace’s tenderhearted, steadfast partner, Tom. She also examines her relationship with her mother—who withheld verbal expressions of love and turned a blind eye to the abuse her daughter suffered. Candace’s descriptions are every bit as complicated as her feelings of betrayal when she discovers what happened to her son’s adoptive mother. The most powerful line in the book was when the author states, “And suddenly I knew that Jane and I were the same.”
As part of Candace’s writing group, I have always admired her skill as a writer and read early versions of her manuscript. Her scenes captivated me, from the moment I began reading the final copy of Goodbye Again. I highly recommend this contemplative, profoundly moving story, an exploration of life, love, and death.
The story opens as Candace faces decisions about her unplanned pregnancy. She agrees to give her son up in an open adoption, one where she can choose the adoptive parents. After relinquishing her son, she struggles with her choice. Readers are provided with an unflinching analysis of her experience of adoption and reluctance to share her grief. We are taken on a journey through personal growth, resilience, and love. The author brings together elements of a well-constructed novel— compelling and poignant—as Candace gives us a dive into the process of healing.
This memoir is filled with many poignant scenes, but the scene that made me sob uncontrollably was when Candace stands beside her son’s coffin and says, “I’m sorry I didn’t try harder… I’m sorry we didn’t have more time…I’m sorry I couldn’t be your mom,”.
The author deftly describes her cast of characters. My favorite was Candace’s tenderhearted, steadfast partner, Tom. She also examines her relationship with her mother—who withheld verbal expressions of love and turned a blind eye to the abuse her daughter suffered. Candace’s descriptions are every bit as complicated as her feelings of betrayal when she discovers what happened to her son’s adoptive mother. The most powerful line in the book was when the author states, “And suddenly I knew that Jane and I were the same.”
As part of Candace’s writing group, I have always admired her skill as a writer and read early versions of her manuscript. Her scenes captivated me, from the moment I began reading the final copy of Goodbye Again. I highly recommend this contemplative, profoundly moving story, an exploration of life, love, and death.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews