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The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control
From psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, an invitation to every "recovering perfectionist" to challenge the way they look at perfectionism, and the way they look at themselves.
We've been looking at perfectionism all wrong. As psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google Katherine Morgan Schafler argues in The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, you don't have to stop being a perfectionist to be healthy. For women who are sick of being given the generic advice to "find balance," a new approach has arrived.
Which of the five types of perfectionist are you? Classic, intense, Parisian, messy, or procrastinator? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing it, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism. Yes, enjoy!
Full of stories and brimming with humor, empathy, and depth, this book is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving, full-of-life clients who filled the author's private practice, and who changed her life. It's a clarion call for all women to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful. Ultimately, this book will show you how to make the single greatest trade you'll ever make in your life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power.
We've been looking at perfectionism all wrong. As psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google Katherine Morgan Schafler argues in The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, you don't have to stop being a perfectionist to be healthy. For women who are sick of being given the generic advice to "find balance," a new approach has arrived.
Which of the five types of perfectionist are you? Classic, intense, Parisian, messy, or procrastinator? As you identify your unique perfectionist profile, you'll learn how to manage each form of perfectionism to work for you, not against you. Beyond managing it, you'll learn how to embrace and even enjoy your perfectionism. Yes, enjoy!
Full of stories and brimming with humor, empathy, and depth, this book is a love letter to the ambitious, high achieving, full-of-life clients who filled the author's private practice, and who changed her life. It's a clarion call for all women to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful. Ultimately, this book will show you how to make the single greatest trade you'll ever make in your life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power.
319 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 17, 2023
3564 people are currently reading
48621 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,249 reviews
December 12, 2022
There were parts of this book that were excellent. The author's main idea is wonderful - to learn to embrace your perfectionism in a healthy way instead of pushing it away entirely (which will likely not work anyway). She has some practical tips about how to do this. She also defines several different types of perfectionist, which was interesting. Unfortunately the book was scattered, redundant, and too long. If it had been edited better it could have been a winner. As it is, you can still glean good information from it.
I received an ARC from NetGalley. The book will be released on January 17, 2023.
I received an ARC from NetGalley. The book will be released on January 17, 2023.
July 26, 2025
3 stars, not rounded
Third read review
I'm in a different mental space now than I was when I read this the first or second time, but my overall rating remains the same.
The beginning half of the book is excellent. I recommend a read-through for any woman who has ever been called a perfectionist or self-identities as a perfectionist. There are so many quotes that I wish I had the audacity to highlight (me? Mark up a book? Unheard of.).
The second half of the book feels like a let-down because it doesn't have the level of follow-through the beginning leads you to hope for. This happens purposefully, to be clear. The author explicitly says the book will not give you exercises and homework and other things of the sort to "perfect" the very personal experience of growth. Still, it did leave me feeling unsatisfied -- even though I knew what was going to happen.
It is very interesting to reflect about how differently this book has impacted me during the re-reads. When I read this the first time, I took in the book in a detached, almost clinical sort of way. I actually got through the entire book and still didn't believe I was a perfectionist. It was still a good read and gave me some things to ponder. My second read happened after my therapist offhandedly called me a perfectionist in a session and I felt a bit "ponder-y." I could identify that I was the perfectionist in question at that point, but the advice didn't resonate as hard. This third read happened while I was knee deep in an existential crisis, and it felt like it reached out and slapped me (in a good way). Twice.
Take what you will from that.
All in all, this book is a good starting point for a discussion about perfectionism and some societal issues surrounding women's mental health. It isn't a mind-blowing glimpse into mystic otherwise-unknowable wisdom, and there are several sections that I rolled my eyes at. Still, the book is full of anecdotes and little snippets that make you reflect, and it a great starting point.
Third read review
I'm in a different mental space now than I was when I read this the first or second time, but my overall rating remains the same.
The beginning half of the book is excellent. I recommend a read-through for any woman who has ever been called a perfectionist or self-identities as a perfectionist. There are so many quotes that I wish I had the audacity to highlight (me? Mark up a book? Unheard of.).
The second half of the book feels like a let-down because it doesn't have the level of follow-through the beginning leads you to hope for. This happens purposefully, to be clear. The author explicitly says the book will not give you exercises and homework and other things of the sort to "perfect" the very personal experience of growth. Still, it did leave me feeling unsatisfied -- even though I knew what was going to happen.
It is very interesting to reflect about how differently this book has impacted me during the re-reads. When I read this the first time, I took in the book in a detached, almost clinical sort of way. I actually got through the entire book and still didn't believe I was a perfectionist. It was still a good read and gave me some things to ponder. My second read happened after my therapist offhandedly called me a perfectionist in a session and I felt a bit "ponder-y." I could identify that I was the perfectionist in question at that point, but the advice didn't resonate as hard. This third read happened while I was knee deep in an existential crisis, and it felt like it reached out and slapped me (in a good way). Twice.
Take what you will from that.
All in all, this book is a good starting point for a discussion about perfectionism and some societal issues surrounding women's mental health. It isn't a mind-blowing glimpse into mystic otherwise-unknowable wisdom, and there are several sections that I rolled my eyes at. Still, the book is full of anecdotes and little snippets that make you reflect, and it a great starting point.
March 15, 2025
3.5 stars
There were some excellent insights about perfectionism in this book. As a self-identified and other-identified (i.e., by all my best friends lol) perfectionist, I enjoyed this book for both its affirming stance toward perfectionism and how it acknowledges perfectionism’s limitations. Great ideas about how perfectionism is the desire to close the gap between ideal and reality, the different types of perfectionists/perfectionisms, and how there can be a lot of emotions underneath one’s perfectionism. Katherine Morgan Schafer’s writing style was overall accessible and easy to digest.
A couple of issues I had with the book: first, I felt that it was a bit longer than it needed to be. At some points it seemed like Schafer diverged from writing about perfectionism and was just trying to fill up page space with things like self-compassion (an important concept and one that I can see its relation to perfectionism, but…) It was also wild to me that Schafer did not discuss issues of social injustice more and how those issues can contribute to perfectionism or a desire for perfectionism. She writes a bit about gender, though ignores race/racism (even when discussing Serena Williams), classism, transphobia, etc. She kind of indirectly addresses fatphobia which was decent, though on the whole I wanted more from this book in this regard.
I’d potentially recommend this to my fellow perfectionists or those who want to understand us, while keeping in mind the book’s limitations.
There were some excellent insights about perfectionism in this book. As a self-identified and other-identified (i.e., by all my best friends lol) perfectionist, I enjoyed this book for both its affirming stance toward perfectionism and how it acknowledges perfectionism’s limitations. Great ideas about how perfectionism is the desire to close the gap between ideal and reality, the different types of perfectionists/perfectionisms, and how there can be a lot of emotions underneath one’s perfectionism. Katherine Morgan Schafer’s writing style was overall accessible and easy to digest.
A couple of issues I had with the book: first, I felt that it was a bit longer than it needed to be. At some points it seemed like Schafer diverged from writing about perfectionism and was just trying to fill up page space with things like self-compassion (an important concept and one that I can see its relation to perfectionism, but…) It was also wild to me that Schafer did not discuss issues of social injustice more and how those issues can contribute to perfectionism or a desire for perfectionism. She writes a bit about gender, though ignores race/racism (even when discussing Serena Williams), classism, transphobia, etc. She kind of indirectly addresses fatphobia which was decent, though on the whole I wanted more from this book in this regard.
I’d potentially recommend this to my fellow perfectionists or those who want to understand us, while keeping in mind the book’s limitations.
March 6, 2023
DNF.
Something rubbed me the the wrong way. Don’t be fooled by the well-designed cover. For a book that warns against generalization and labeling, it sure does those things a lot. For example: “Perfectionists are bored by hedonism. Perfectionists love working.” Lots of broad stokes. Also it was very exclusive to women, which I think is reductive and alienating. And it wasn’t in a “being perfectionistic is a human thing but we’re going to focus on women here.” It was a “Men never” situation- a direct quote: “Men never describe getting older this way.” There isn’t a lot of nuance in this book at all. Like all self-help, everyone can probably find a nugget of helpfulness, but it’s super-long and I just didn’t like it.
Something rubbed me the the wrong way. Don’t be fooled by the well-designed cover. For a book that warns against generalization and labeling, it sure does those things a lot. For example: “Perfectionists are bored by hedonism. Perfectionists love working.” Lots of broad stokes. Also it was very exclusive to women, which I think is reductive and alienating. And it wasn’t in a “being perfectionistic is a human thing but we’re going to focus on women here.” It was a “Men never” situation- a direct quote: “Men never describe getting older this way.” There isn’t a lot of nuance in this book at all. Like all self-help, everyone can probably find a nugget of helpfulness, but it’s super-long and I just didn’t like it.
April 8, 2023
This is the best nonfiction book I’ve read in 2023. (Besides my own. 😂) I’m putting this one in top 5 best self help books for me personally, alongside Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection and Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger.
SO GOOD.
SO GOOD.
July 27, 2023
Feeling burnt out? Here’s 200 pages arguing that perfectionism is a positive trait if it’s tempered by self-compassion. Now please enjoy 100 pages of bonus strategy for developing self-compassion so that you too can hold onto your perfectionism without becoming an obsessive or worse, a layabout. Just take our word for it! This foolproof philosophy was developed by the therapist in residence at Google. What’s that now? Oh, no no. There’s definitely no reason to do less perfectionism; that simply wouldn’t be productive. Just love yourself! Thank you for attending our virtual retreat for women of the professional managerial class.
January 24, 2025
I read this over the course of entire year because I don’t read nonfiction often & just pick it up when I feel like it. However, that does NOT mean that this book wasn’t good. I was hesitant to start it because I was worried it fell under the same umbrella as the ultra-repetitive self-help books out there, but this is far from that!!
I’ve struggled with perfectionism my whole life (not in a cutesy oooooh I’m a perfectionist way, more of a perpetual ignore literally everything positive and great in life to dwell on the gap between where I am and where I think I “should” be way, that bleeds into every aspect of life & ultimately robs me of my ability to be decisive, happy, & myself because I’m subconsciously working towards perfection as a default).
Schafler is incredibly skilled in breaking down the WHY behind perfectionism, explaining the different types of perfectionism & providing real world examples of them, & the HOW of coping with being a perfectionist & accepting yourself as one (rather than trying to “fix” yourself).
I highly recommend a physical copy of this book so you can tab and highlight away. I tabbed what looks like every other page and highlighted or underlined SO much.
So many profound takeaways from this book that had me audibly gasping, dropping my jaw, & feeling empowered by my perfectionism for once rather than suffocated by it. Can’t recommend enough!!
I’ve struggled with perfectionism my whole life (not in a cutesy oooooh I’m a perfectionist way, more of a perpetual ignore literally everything positive and great in life to dwell on the gap between where I am and where I think I “should” be way, that bleeds into every aspect of life & ultimately robs me of my ability to be decisive, happy, & myself because I’m subconsciously working towards perfection as a default).
Schafler is incredibly skilled in breaking down the WHY behind perfectionism, explaining the different types of perfectionism & providing real world examples of them, & the HOW of coping with being a perfectionist & accepting yourself as one (rather than trying to “fix” yourself).
I highly recommend a physical copy of this book so you can tab and highlight away. I tabbed what looks like every other page and highlighted or underlined SO much.
So many profound takeaways from this book that had me audibly gasping, dropping my jaw, & feeling empowered by my perfectionism for once rather than suffocated by it. Can’t recommend enough!!
Read
April 23, 2024Nie mam wykształcenia psychologicznego, więc oceniam książkę tylko na podstawie subiektywnego poczucia zrozumienia… a poczułam się zrozumiana bardzo. Zużyłam na ten poradnik paczkę znaczników i mam do obgadania sporo na terapii, a to sprawia, że wiem, że ma sens. Dla mnie.
June 4, 2024
i honestly was debating dnf’ing this but im so glad i didn’t! it wasnt because the first half of the book was remotely bad, i just don’t usually jive with self help books and once i hit a lull point in this i wasn’t super motivated to finish it. (i wouldn’t even say this book is egregiously “ra-ra” anyway, just sometimes had that #imanempath feel but for perfectionism lol, not a fault of the book at all it’s a me thing!!) again, really happy i stuck with it though the second half ended up being what i enjoyed the most!
January 8, 2023
I truly can't recommend this book highly enough. Written by a psychotherapist, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control reframes perfectionism as something much more insidious than quirky, providing a deep dive into five different subtypes while questioning the elusive concept of 'finding balance' through a gently anti-capitalist/patriarchal lens.
The author draws on a lot of stories, all with female clients, so the language sometimes feels less inclusive than it could have been, although the author does make the point in a footnote that this is for brevity and convenience, so I think if cis male or other trans spec readers went into the book with this mindset they would gain just as much. I respect that the author took the approach of staying in her lane and recommended other texts where appropriate.
Personally, I felt the blurb sells the book as something a little more pop culture-y than it actually is on the page. I would encourage readers who identify with the extreme struggles detailed in the book to work through their insight and growth with the support of a therapist. I felt like this was more an accessible academic text, rather than an easy self-help beach read.
If you're in the right place at the right time in your mental health journey, I have no doubt this book will offer a great deal of healing. I have definitely felt a change, like the things I've been working towards over many years alone and with intense therapy for twelve months have crystalised with the help of this book. I want to re-read it regularly, and I intend to purchase my own copy as soon as possible. Bring on the tears and 'sudden' moments of clarity and understanding.
disclaimer: I received an ARC of this book from Penguin Group Portfolio via NetGalley, and I am voluntarily leaving this honest review.
The author draws on a lot of stories, all with female clients, so the language sometimes feels less inclusive than it could have been, although the author does make the point in a footnote that this is for brevity and convenience, so I think if cis male or other trans spec readers went into the book with this mindset they would gain just as much. I respect that the author took the approach of staying in her lane and recommended other texts where appropriate.
Personally, I felt the blurb sells the book as something a little more pop culture-y than it actually is on the page. I would encourage readers who identify with the extreme struggles detailed in the book to work through their insight and growth with the support of a therapist. I felt like this was more an accessible academic text, rather than an easy self-help beach read.
If you're in the right place at the right time in your mental health journey, I have no doubt this book will offer a great deal of healing. I have definitely felt a change, like the things I've been working towards over many years alone and with intense therapy for twelve months have crystalised with the help of this book. I want to re-read it regularly, and I intend to purchase my own copy as soon as possible. Bring on the tears and 'sudden' moments of clarity and understanding.
disclaimer: I received an ARC of this book from Penguin Group Portfolio via NetGalley, and I am voluntarily leaving this honest review.
November 17, 2024
Kai mane pavadindavo perfekcioniste, aš tiesiog nusijuokdavau. „Kur jau? Jei būčiau tokia, daryčiau tą, aną, šitaip, o ne taip“.
Mano būdas man atrodė pernelyg ydingas—„juk man nereikia tobulai sulankstytų drabužių, pačio aukščiausio pažymio, ar kiekvieno žmogaus pritarimo. Aš tiesiog savikritiš...kesnė“
Ši knyga parodė, kad neigiau realybę. Mano ribotas suvokimas apie perfekcionistus apsaugojo mane nuo nemalonios tiesos. Kaip ten Škėma sakė? Palaiminti kvailiai.
Knygos autorė padėjo man suprasti koks įvairus yra perfekcionizmas. Ji išvardijo penkis jo tipus, o vienas apibūdino mane taip tiksliai, kad pasiteisinimo jau nebesugalvojau. Visgi, nors tipai skirtingi, visi perfekcionistai kenčia panašiai–jausdami nerimą, baimę, tuštumą, nepasitenkinimą.
Nors sau perfekcionistės etiketės neklijuoju, etikečių apskritai vengiu, ši knyga man buvo itin naudinga savęs supratimo link.
Mano būdas man atrodė pernelyg ydingas—„juk man nereikia tobulai sulankstytų drabužių, pačio aukščiausio pažymio, ar kiekvieno žmogaus pritarimo. Aš tiesiog savikritiš...kesnė“
Ši knyga parodė, kad neigiau realybę. Mano ribotas suvokimas apie perfekcionistus apsaugojo mane nuo nemalonios tiesos. Kaip ten Škėma sakė? Palaiminti kvailiai.
Knygos autorė padėjo man suprasti koks įvairus yra perfekcionizmas. Ji išvardijo penkis jo tipus, o vienas apibūdino mane taip tiksliai, kad pasiteisinimo jau nebesugalvojau. Visgi, nors tipai skirtingi, visi perfekcionistai kenčia panašiai–jausdami nerimą, baimę, tuštumą, nepasitenkinimą.
Nors sau perfekcionistės etiketės neklijuoju, etikečių apskritai vengiu, ši knyga man buvo itin naudinga savęs supratimo link.
March 18, 2023
As a perfectionist, I expected a list of things to check off, tasks for me to accomplish, to lose control. What Katherine Morgan Schafler gave in this book was something much better: a broad understanding of perfectionism, reflections on our place in the world and a battle cry to examine your power.
You don't need a checklist. You need this book.
You don't need a checklist. You need this book.
February 21, 2024
DNF. Felt overly simplistic. Author doesn’t seem very trauma-informed. I’ve learned that perfectionism can often come from trauma, be modeled by parents, and be an adaptive behavior learned in childhood but 1/4 of the way through, none of this had been touched on and I looked again at the table of contents, and it didn’t seem like it ever was going to be brought up, which to me is a critical missing piece.
June 11, 2023
Honestly should’ve stopped reading this one because it was so terrible, but I couldn’t quit something I’d started because I’m a perfectionist 👀
April 2, 2025
I got a few new insights and the author seems to know her business and skill set.
May 24, 2025
*** 5/24/25 *** Whoops! Thought I reviewed this before, but it didn't take, so here goes. I absolutely loved the first third of this book, as I am definitely a perfectionist as an adult, likely formed during my career in tech, where there was always a little more to do, a little better to be. But as a young person, I was decidedly imperfect and did ok overall. So, the rest of my adult life I've been curious about harnessing the positives of perfectionism while letting go of the negative, self-sabotaging aspects. In the beginning of the book, when author Schafler describes many mannerisms of perfectionists, I felt seen lol. Although, I did not identify strongly with one particular model of perfectionist as Schafler describes them, but really a little bit of all depending on the situation.
By half-way through the book, I felt it transitioned into a different book that often felt like a "word soup" therapy book for many different situations. It felt removed from the perfectionist persona and more just about mental health situations in general, and that's where the book lost me. I really wish the book could have been edited into a tighter deliverable that was super focused on the perfectionist personalities as the author defined them.
I found some compelling messages within that first half of the book, such as maintaining high standards but worrying less about control; looking at problems as opportunities for growth vs failures; worrying less about controlling outcomes and more about progress/growth. Also, practicing self compassion which is a tough one for many of us. For these reasons, I give the book an overall rating of 3.5 stars, rounded down to 3 stars because I feel the book lost a lot of focus in the second half and I did not connect with it at all. Still a great resource for many of us to feel seen and to direct our perfectionism in healthy directions.
*** 3/1/25 *** Got this on a skip-the-line library loan on the recommendation of a book club friend who reads a lot of business/personal development and at 10% in I am wowed! LOTS of highlights and one of those books that resonates strongly for me. Review coming soon.
By half-way through the book, I felt it transitioned into a different book that often felt like a "word soup" therapy book for many different situations. It felt removed from the perfectionist persona and more just about mental health situations in general, and that's where the book lost me. I really wish the book could have been edited into a tighter deliverable that was super focused on the perfectionist personalities as the author defined them.
I found some compelling messages within that first half of the book, such as maintaining high standards but worrying less about control; looking at problems as opportunities for growth vs failures; worrying less about controlling outcomes and more about progress/growth. Also, practicing self compassion which is a tough one for many of us. For these reasons, I give the book an overall rating of 3.5 stars, rounded down to 3 stars because I feel the book lost a lot of focus in the second half and I did not connect with it at all. Still a great resource for many of us to feel seen and to direct our perfectionism in healthy directions.
*** 3/1/25 *** Got this on a skip-the-line library loan on the recommendation of a book club friend who reads a lot of business/personal development and at 10% in I am wowed! LOTS of highlights and one of those books that resonates strongly for me. Review coming soon.
December 30, 2024
THIS BOOK WAS SO HEALING. i am astounded this book is not more popular than it is. i cannot recommend enough.
i am caught between feeling like this book was a breakthrough therapy session, and feeling like this book was like sitting in a warm bath. as a practicing psychotherapist, the author disects perfectionism-- the types of perfectionism, maladaptive vs adaptive perfectionism, how to find a "balance", etc. in the beginning she recognizes that the mainstream narrative for perfectionism is currently, "don't make everything a big deal, just be ok with average" which is about as effective to a perfectionist as telling a very angry person to "calm down".
there are so many parts of this book i was scrambling to write down, bookmark, and cite to memory, hence the list of quotes i don't want to forget below. here are a few general breakthroughs with this book 1) this was the most convincing dialogue on why self compassion is important i have ever encountered. 2) the author writes and narrates beautifully and includes wonderfully descriptive examples. 3) her thoughts on perfection, balance, relaxation, pleasure, intuition, and self trust are so wise, i can't imagine a person who wouldn't benefit from this book.
quote hall of fame:
"persisting across time and cultures, the universal desire to actualize the ideals we imagine is as healthy as the impulse to love, to solve problems, to make art, to kiss, to tell stories, and so on"
"saying words outloud changes something. sometimes you say a thought outloud to give it weight because it matters. sometimes you say a thought outloud to let it go bc its trivial. until you allow the words to hit the air, it can be difficult to tell which is which. the stakes are higher when you say something outloud bc the truth becomes clearer to you. we also don't speak what we know outloud bc acknowledging the truth can be liberating, its almost always painful first."
"women are expected to be pathologically grateful"
"some seasons of life are for work. some seasons are for sex. some seasons are for three of the things, some seasons are for nine of the things. some seasons are for meandering through depressing emptiness doing negative two of the things."
"the language we don't use can serve as an even clearer reflection of the culture we live in. for the same reason that the expression 'guilty pleasure' doesn't translate well into french, there are no male equivalents for bossy, strong-minded, hot mess, mom guilt, or resting bitch face. when applied to men, the implicit messages inside those phrases don't align with our cultures value system. in other words, we don't say them because they don't make sense. pleasure is a natural, healthy, and encouraged part of french life-- why would anyone feel guilty for allowing one access to pleasure? men are supposed to be authoritative, so how can they be bossy? men aren't supposed to be constantly smiling and pleasant, so when they display a neutral facial expression, why would they call it anything but normal? dad guilt isn't a thing because men aren't getting the message they should feel guilty for working."
"your identity is replaced by your output. what you do, and how well and fast you do it, becomes who you are."
"numerous studies highlight the point that achieving goals doesn't just fail to bring some perfectionists satisfaction, often achieving their goals makes perfectionists feel worse. why in the world would anyone feel worse after getting exactly what they want, even after exceeding their goals? because the experience of winning forces you to realize that there are no substitutes for self worth or presence, not one."
"this is what it means to lead a self defined life. it's understanding that whatever you choose to value is valuable, and whatever you choose to care about is what's worth caring about."
"your instincts never lie to you. pay attention to the messages that do not change, those are your instincts. we glamourize instints when we assume they only arrive in bold yes or no packaging. sometimes your instincts tell you to wait and see, to take it slow, to move one inch closer so you can peak around the corner."
"struggle in and of itself is not a virtue producing experience. i always bristle at the expression 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger’, that's not true. what doesn't kill you might traumatize you to the point of disinigrating your memory recall. what doesn't kill you might push you into addition. what doesn't kill you might make you suicidal or parasuicidal. [...] struggle does not guarantee resilience."
"our productivity is the main scoreboard we look up at to determine if we won or lost the day."
"the reason you can't relax while you're watching TV is because you're secretly clocking the ratio between the time you're spending on the activity and how restored you feel. if the ratio isn't churning fast enough, you get the sense that you're wasting your time and being unproductive."
"needing validation is not a reflection of insecurity, it is a central mode of connection. healthy people need validation, everyone needs validation. it's ok that you need validation. what's not okay is for you to employ external validation as your main source of self worth."
"people who trust themselves allow themselves to adopt the role of expert in their own lives. like all experts, those who develop trust with themselves move with confidence, not certainty."
i am caught between feeling like this book was a breakthrough therapy session, and feeling like this book was like sitting in a warm bath. as a practicing psychotherapist, the author disects perfectionism-- the types of perfectionism, maladaptive vs adaptive perfectionism, how to find a "balance", etc. in the beginning she recognizes that the mainstream narrative for perfectionism is currently, "don't make everything a big deal, just be ok with average" which is about as effective to a perfectionist as telling a very angry person to "calm down".
there are so many parts of this book i was scrambling to write down, bookmark, and cite to memory, hence the list of quotes i don't want to forget below. here are a few general breakthroughs with this book 1) this was the most convincing dialogue on why self compassion is important i have ever encountered. 2) the author writes and narrates beautifully and includes wonderfully descriptive examples. 3) her thoughts on perfection, balance, relaxation, pleasure, intuition, and self trust are so wise, i can't imagine a person who wouldn't benefit from this book.
quote hall of fame:
"persisting across time and cultures, the universal desire to actualize the ideals we imagine is as healthy as the impulse to love, to solve problems, to make art, to kiss, to tell stories, and so on"
"saying words outloud changes something. sometimes you say a thought outloud to give it weight because it matters. sometimes you say a thought outloud to let it go bc its trivial. until you allow the words to hit the air, it can be difficult to tell which is which. the stakes are higher when you say something outloud bc the truth becomes clearer to you. we also don't speak what we know outloud bc acknowledging the truth can be liberating, its almost always painful first."
"women are expected to be pathologically grateful"
"some seasons of life are for work. some seasons are for sex. some seasons are for three of the things, some seasons are for nine of the things. some seasons are for meandering through depressing emptiness doing negative two of the things."
"the language we don't use can serve as an even clearer reflection of the culture we live in. for the same reason that the expression 'guilty pleasure' doesn't translate well into french, there are no male equivalents for bossy, strong-minded, hot mess, mom guilt, or resting bitch face. when applied to men, the implicit messages inside those phrases don't align with our cultures value system. in other words, we don't say them because they don't make sense. pleasure is a natural, healthy, and encouraged part of french life-- why would anyone feel guilty for allowing one access to pleasure? men are supposed to be authoritative, so how can they be bossy? men aren't supposed to be constantly smiling and pleasant, so when they display a neutral facial expression, why would they call it anything but normal? dad guilt isn't a thing because men aren't getting the message they should feel guilty for working."
"your identity is replaced by your output. what you do, and how well and fast you do it, becomes who you are."
"numerous studies highlight the point that achieving goals doesn't just fail to bring some perfectionists satisfaction, often achieving their goals makes perfectionists feel worse. why in the world would anyone feel worse after getting exactly what they want, even after exceeding their goals? because the experience of winning forces you to realize that there are no substitutes for self worth or presence, not one."
"this is what it means to lead a self defined life. it's understanding that whatever you choose to value is valuable, and whatever you choose to care about is what's worth caring about."
"your instincts never lie to you. pay attention to the messages that do not change, those are your instincts. we glamourize instints when we assume they only arrive in bold yes or no packaging. sometimes your instincts tell you to wait and see, to take it slow, to move one inch closer so you can peak around the corner."
"struggle in and of itself is not a virtue producing experience. i always bristle at the expression 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger’, that's not true. what doesn't kill you might traumatize you to the point of disinigrating your memory recall. what doesn't kill you might push you into addition. what doesn't kill you might make you suicidal or parasuicidal. [...] struggle does not guarantee resilience."
"our productivity is the main scoreboard we look up at to determine if we won or lost the day."
"the reason you can't relax while you're watching TV is because you're secretly clocking the ratio between the time you're spending on the activity and how restored you feel. if the ratio isn't churning fast enough, you get the sense that you're wasting your time and being unproductive."
"needing validation is not a reflection of insecurity, it is a central mode of connection. healthy people need validation, everyone needs validation. it's ok that you need validation. what's not okay is for you to employ external validation as your main source of self worth."
"people who trust themselves allow themselves to adopt the role of expert in their own lives. like all experts, those who develop trust with themselves move with confidence, not certainty."
October 6, 2023
This is such a good book. It took me an age to read because Katherine Morgan Schafler knows what she’s talking about. I felt like she was talking directly to me! She understands why I get so scared to start projects I’ve been looking forward to, why I feel like I have to excel in every area of my life, why I feel like such a loser for not achieving X goal by X age, why I keep putting things off and telling myself I’ll do this when I achieve this goal and my life isn’t worth living until then.
At first I borrowed this book from the library. But there were too many truth nuggets for me to not own and markup my own copy. Too many insights and mindset shifting ideas to ignore.
Good stuff!
At first I borrowed this book from the library. But there were too many truth nuggets for me to not own and markup my own copy. Too many insights and mindset shifting ideas to ignore.
Good stuff!
March 16, 2025
Incredible ❤️🩹 this healed a part of me. I literally have never marked a book up like I did this one. I brought it to therapy, I really went all in. I originally borrowed it from the library then ended up buying my own copy because I truly felt the content was so important to come back to. Highly recommend reading this if you’re working on yourself 💕✨🫶🏼🥹😭
April 21, 2024
I really loved this book — it extended a lot of compassion to people who are perfectionists. It didn’t offer “solutions” but understanding, I feel like I know myself a lot better now. As far as self help books go, this one feels really effective because it wasn’t prescriptive and rather invited curiousity and other prompts to help curb maladaptive tendencies. I’m happy I read it and I am going to buy a physical copy!
January 29, 2023
The Perfectionists Guide to Losing Control provides a fresh perspective on perfectionism offering numerous ideas, case studies and life changing ‘aha’ moments that will have you highlighting furiously. Through practical tips and tricks, women are encouraged to embrace their perfectionism in order to free themselves.
‘All perfectionists chase that which is unattainable, ‘unrealistic’, an ideal …. ideals are not meant to be achieved, they’re only meant to inspire.’
The first half of the book breaks down the understanding of the meaning of perfectionism - there being more than one type, which is in itself interesting to consider. This book successfully lays out perfectionism in all its glory allowing the reader to gain a more in-depth understanding in order to learn to work with it. The second half of the book gives you concrete ways to restructure old habits so that they work for you and not against you in attaining your life goals and dreams. This is about trying to reach a mindset that is both healthy and productive.
‘The more present you are internally, the more you recognise perfection externally’.
As a perfectionist in many ways (falling into the classic category with a touch of some of the other varieties outlined), this book I found to be so enlightening and refreshing with its very honest approach. There are many solid ideas from which I learned and will hopefully weave into my everyday living eg. replacing the word time with the word energy; and, experiencing my ‘Dorothy’ moment ... realising I had the power all along and it was just a matter of learning it for myself. This book now resides close by as a handy reference when needed.
‘We put such pressure on ourselves to know exactly who we are and what we want in every moment; it’s okay for some things to be fuzzy’.
I will always love planning and organising - it’s who I am! Reading this made me realise that I do it because I want to and not because everything may fall apart if I don’t! I will work towards going with the flow and not seek to curate each and every experience. As a restored perfectionist I will define success on my own terms ‘understanding that it’s not that you long for some external thing or for yourself to be perfect, it’s that you long to feel whole and to help others feel whole’.
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
‘All perfectionists chase that which is unattainable, ‘unrealistic’, an ideal …. ideals are not meant to be achieved, they’re only meant to inspire.’
The first half of the book breaks down the understanding of the meaning of perfectionism - there being more than one type, which is in itself interesting to consider. This book successfully lays out perfectionism in all its glory allowing the reader to gain a more in-depth understanding in order to learn to work with it. The second half of the book gives you concrete ways to restructure old habits so that they work for you and not against you in attaining your life goals and dreams. This is about trying to reach a mindset that is both healthy and productive.
‘The more present you are internally, the more you recognise perfection externally’.
As a perfectionist in many ways (falling into the classic category with a touch of some of the other varieties outlined), this book I found to be so enlightening and refreshing with its very honest approach. There are many solid ideas from which I learned and will hopefully weave into my everyday living eg. replacing the word time with the word energy; and, experiencing my ‘Dorothy’ moment ... realising I had the power all along and it was just a matter of learning it for myself. This book now resides close by as a handy reference when needed.
‘We put such pressure on ourselves to know exactly who we are and what we want in every moment; it’s okay for some things to be fuzzy’.
I will always love planning and organising - it’s who I am! Reading this made me realise that I do it because I want to and not because everything may fall apart if I don’t! I will work towards going with the flow and not seek to curate each and every experience. As a restored perfectionist I will define success on my own terms ‘understanding that it’s not that you long for some external thing or for yourself to be perfect, it’s that you long to feel whole and to help others feel whole’.
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
May 22, 2024
I really loved this reading experience.
It is 5 stars for me personally.
I found myself noticing so many lessons in this book that I have actually already learned and worked hard on implementing in my life.
And that made me feel really good.
And honestly it also made me feel very proud of myself for having done all that work.
It‘s also very convenient because now I don‘t have to write any of that down lest I forget, I can just come back to this and remind myself of what is helpful.
Many lessons and insights were also new to me and while not all of them were useful in my situation, it was still valuable to know what might help others.
I also absolutely cannot stop talking about this book omg everyone has to hear about it.
I have been in therapy for so long now and obvs that is where I picked up on a lot of the tools and lessons in this work and a book could never substitute therapy, obviously. But, and this is my point, this book does feel like therapy a lot of the time.
It doesn‘t ask you to remember every piece of advice at all times. It simply says: this is here for you.
The reason I am giving 4 stars is because of a lack in intersectionality. She does acknowledge this in the author‘s note and I think that‘s good but I do feel like the chapter on the specific position of women in (U.S.) society could have done more.
Generally I really recommend this and my locals will be happy to hear that I have already bought the physical edition and it is on its way to me as I write this so you can borrow it!
It is 5 stars for me personally.
I found myself noticing so many lessons in this book that I have actually already learned and worked hard on implementing in my life.
And that made me feel really good.
And honestly it also made me feel very proud of myself for having done all that work.
It‘s also very convenient because now I don‘t have to write any of that down lest I forget, I can just come back to this and remind myself of what is helpful.
Many lessons and insights were also new to me and while not all of them were useful in my situation, it was still valuable to know what might help others.
I also absolutely cannot stop talking about this book omg everyone has to hear about it.
I have been in therapy for so long now and obvs that is where I picked up on a lot of the tools and lessons in this work and a book could never substitute therapy, obviously. But, and this is my point, this book does feel like therapy a lot of the time.
It doesn‘t ask you to remember every piece of advice at all times. It simply says: this is here for you.
The reason I am giving 4 stars is because of a lack in intersectionality. She does acknowledge this in the author‘s note and I think that‘s good but I do feel like the chapter on the specific position of women in (U.S.) society could have done more.
Generally I really recommend this and my locals will be happy to hear that I have already bought the physical edition and it is on its way to me as I write this so you can borrow it!
June 19, 2023
all my fellow girlies who were obsessed with black swan in a bad way in high school need to read this. I picked this up thinking it might have some helpful insights for things I’ve been trying to work on and I did not expect it to be like the first time hearing someone else speak a dialect I’ve been speaking my entire life. I’m honestly scared that this woman is the intelligence operative that lives in my phone and laptop camera bc why did she know all of that about me.
“Everyone is punitive with themselves at times, but
perfectionists take punishment to a whole other level. Per-
fectionists are the Olympians of punishment. Perfection-
ists have perfected punishment. Perfectionists go to law
school.” - I was read for absolute filth!
the book is very upfront that it is not a how-to or a 10-step program but rather a mindset shift. I am incredibly grateful to this book for the gift of deeper self knowledge that it has given me and highly recommend it to anyone even if they don’t think of themselves as type A.
“Everyone is punitive with themselves at times, but
perfectionists take punishment to a whole other level. Per-
fectionists are the Olympians of punishment. Perfection-
ists have perfected punishment. Perfectionists go to law
school.” - I was read for absolute filth!
the book is very upfront that it is not a how-to or a 10-step program but rather a mindset shift. I am incredibly grateful to this book for the gift of deeper self knowledge that it has given me and highly recommend it to anyone even if they don’t think of themselves as type A.
December 16, 2024
My hold at the library ran out and I don’t care to renew. Schafler defines, and defines, and defines again perfectionism. I made it 40% of the way through and never got to any actionable insights or patient success stories. It’s also written as a collection of short essays so the whole thing is disjointed.
Perhaps I just don’t suffer from perfectionism (comment your thoughts below), but this wasn’t at all a helpful self-help book.
Perhaps I just don’t suffer from perfectionism (comment your thoughts below), but this wasn’t at all a helpful self-help book.
August 18, 2024
Damn. Exactly what I've needed probably my whole life. Rooted in self compassion and embracing your strengths, I loved the way this book is presented. I listened but I just ordered a physical copy to mark up and journal with and take to therapy 🙌🏻 I also really loved that there was a section about OCPD which is one of my diagnoses and I have a hard time finding accessible info about it.
May 12, 2023
It’s me, hi. 🙃
March 11, 2024
I felt so seen
July 1, 2024
taught me so many lessons n told me a lot of things i needed to hear wow. forgive yourself, quit making excuses, allow yourself to experience joy, change and leading a happy life take constant maintenance but enjoy the journey, sooo many good lessons in this book i think everybody should read this..
i also loved the authors writing style. self help books can be a lot to read because you get hard on yourself, but she kept it light sprinkling in jokes and relatable anecdotes throughout the text, made me LOL and made it an enjoyable read. also was very academic and informative which i quite enjoyed, cited lots of psychological research and studies to make it that much better
i think i’ll probably revisit this book more in the future too bc it’s just such a good perspective — ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
i also loved the authors writing style. self help books can be a lot to read because you get hard on yourself, but she kept it light sprinkling in jokes and relatable anecdotes throughout the text, made me LOL and made it an enjoyable read. also was very academic and informative which i quite enjoyed, cited lots of psychological research and studies to make it that much better
i think i’ll probably revisit this book more in the future too bc it’s just such a good perspective — ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
September 3, 2023
I found this to be an interesting read and a different take on perfectionism that gave me a lot of food for thought. The concept of the five 'types' of perfectionist was thought-provoking, and I did quite appreciate the re-frame. There were several avenues I wanted the author to explore that she didn't, though she does acknowledges the places where the book is lacking and clarifies that this is really meant as a starting point, which I think is accurate. If you're somebody who's got any kind of perfectionist tendencies, I do think this is worth the read.
February 9, 2025
Being a perfectionist has always been a core part of my identity, so it's no surprise that I identified with so much of this book. This book helped me understand some of the motivations behind why I do or think certain things and it was eye opening. I also found myself examining the behaviours of women in my life and realizing that although they might not be the same perfectionist type I am, they can be perfectionists too. The language and use of examples made the topics discussed easy to understand but a lot of information was frequently repeated. I get why they author made this writing choice, but for me this would have been a lot stronger if it was edited down to a "bare bones" edition. Overall, I really enjoyed this and wished I could have read it at a more leisurely pace (my copy was seriously overdue to the library). Would strongly recommend!
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