Were You Close?: a sister’s quest to know the brother she lost

by Anne Pinkerton

★★★★★ “A masterful guide to loving and losing the extraordinary among us.” Mary E. Plouffe Ph.D., author of I Know It in My Heart: Walking through Grief with a Child

A successful radiologist and elite athlete, Dr. Dave tended to the blistered feet of strangers on race courses and gave many of his trophies away. He was known for his generosity and camaraderie with family, friends, colleagues, and adventure racing teammates, the latter of whom usually accompanied him on excursions. But he embarked on his final pursuit alone—an attempt to summit all 54 of the 14ers in Colorado—and made an unknowable error, falling 200 feet to his death.

When people learned that he had died, they often asked his sister, the only girl and baby of the family, “Were you close?” The question, seemingly simple at first, haunted her and begged for its own inquiry, a journey that took a decade. She invites the reader along on her own adventure as she searches for clarity about who her brother was, why his passions were worth risking everything, and how to live in the world and her family without him, ultimately becoming even closer to him in death than in life.

Were You Close? challenges the cultural notion that the bereaved should simply “get over” their losses, illustrating that integrating these experiences can actually help a mourner not just heal, but move forward with clarified purpose.

Genres: Memoir, Grief

258 pages, Paperback

Published April 11, 2023

About the author

Anne Pinkerton is author of Were You Close? a sister's quest to know the brother she lost.

Anne’s poetry and essays have appeared in Hippocampus Magazine, Ars Medica, Modern Loss, “Beautiful Things” at River Teeth Journal, Sunlight Press, Stone Gathering, The Bark, Entropy, Lunch Ticket, The HerStories Project, among other journals, as well as the anthologies, The Pandemic Midlife Crisis: Gen X Women on the Brink and Nothing Divine Dies: A Poetry Anthology About Nature.

Anne holds an MFA in creative nonfiction from Bay Path University and studied poetry as an undergrad at Hampshire College.

Reviews

[Collette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Were You Close? by Anne Pinkerton offers a heartfelt meditation on the ongoing process of grief encountered when you lose a sibling. She invites us into her own story of losing her older brother unexpectedly in a mountain climbing accident, and then we sit alongside her as she experiences the initial shock, shares precious memories, encounters people's well-intentioned but often painful questions, and processes the grief, which she comes to learn will be ever-present.

The reaction to other's people tragedies is often to look away, or at least distance ourselves, because of the underlying question that rises to the surface: is calamity contagious? While we know that this reaction is not logical, not many people take the time to sit with other people in their pain and witness, first-hand the devastation that really awaits us all at some point… it's just a matter of when. Pinkerton takes a specific walk into the journey of losing a sibling, and the nuances of this grief, and in the process writes a beautiful tribute to the brother she loved and admired. In her journey to the place where it happened, in her writing and processing, we also get to witness healing and insight, which she shares so astutely. As a result, we come away having witnessed and gained insight into a road no one would willingly choose to travel. We also get to see a sibling shaped and ultimately strengthened through her loss, ironically feeling closer to her brother than when he was alive.

Pinkerton's book is achingly honest and refreshingly insightful. There were some sections in the second half where it lost some momentum, but this may reflect the experience of grief itself. It is well worth the time spent delving into this story, which is told in beautiful prose and brutal truth. I recommend this read to people who have lost someone close, in particular a sibling, and even to those who haven't.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Amie McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just one of the most heart-wrenching and eye-opening journeys through grief that I've ever read. I felt so much empathy and sorrow. Truly remarkable talent and I can't wait to see more from this author.

[Maria Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

An exceptional and expertly written book. I read it in less than 24 hours and almost never do that, but I couldn't put it down! This book is a sister's stunning tribute to her beloved brother, David, a doctor, who sadly died young in a tragic accident that was difficult to understand. The author takes you on a journey alongside her on her quest to learn more about her brother's life, what drove him, and how it led to his death. She has a commanding vernacular, the kind that makes the reader pause to take in every word, visualize every metaphor, and have the ability to feel the author's raw emotions. You will be hooked on every page and admire the courage it took to write this story. I highly recommend it and can guarantee that you will not be disappointed!

[Anne Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

Siblings tend to be second-class citizens in the sympathy hierarchy. An unspoken social code sets a pecking order for offering sympathy to the bereaved – parents, children and spouses at the top, siblings lower on the scale and friends and pets at the bottom. It’s a phenomenon Ann Pinkerton explores in depth in her powerful and very moving account of how she dealt with the sudden death of a beloved brother, in “Were You Close: a Sister’s Quest to Know the Brother She Lost” published by Vine Leaves Press and due to be released in April 2023.

This anomaly has a name – “disenfranchised grief” – a term which was new to me. It originated with Dr Kenneth Doka, a leading authority on grief counselling and author of many books on death, dying and the grieving process. It describes grieving that’s seen as either excessive or inappropriate, for example in response to miscarrying or aborting a child, losing a same-sex partner or losing a friend or a pet.

What’s not widely known is it’s also often experienced by those who lose a sibling. To have your grief invalidated, no matter the reason, is downright cruel and it's what happened to Pinkerton. The unspoken message she received from those uncomfortable with her grief was “get over it”, another of those socially imposed absurdities like “move on” or “find closure” (that dreaded term), all of which impose an arbitrary time limit on the bereaved, beyond which it’s unacceptable or even weird for them to go on being sad. The stigma that still surrounds death in our society, particularly our ineptness at appropriately acknowledging the bereaved, needs to be addressed and books like this that speak about it honestly are invaluable.

In a chapter titled “So Many Questions, Most of Them Wrong”, Pinkerton notes the unthinking questions people asked after her brother David’s death, such as “was he married”, “did he have kids” and the one that both gives the book its title and highlights the disenfranchised nature of sibling grief – “were you close?”

Pinkerton’s motivation to write the book was about more than finding a way to express her grief. David was her older brother, looked up to and adored by her from the time she was born. It was a mutually loving relationship that became more distant as they grew into adulthood and pursued their separate lives. This troubled her so much after he died that she set out over the course of ten years to understand who her brother was, to appreciate his passions and motivations, to discover how others saw him and most importantly to figure out what drove him to be such a “thrill seeker”, risking his life to pursue extreme sports like mountain climbing which ultimately killed him. It’s to our benefit that she did, as her journey led to this book.

In her author’s note, Pinkerton says “this is not a book of documentary journalism, but it’s the truest story I could write.” And it’s one of the truest stories I’ve read about this intensely painful rite of passage. Her writing style is personal, direct and candid. Anyone who’s lost a sibling knows, like the author did, we crave a way to “finally make sense” of the loss. For Pinkerton, this is how she found not only sense, but wisdom about dealing with tragedy and, what she most desired, a renewed closeness with her brother in death.

Thanks to BookSirens for providing me with an advance review copy of the book.

[Brenda · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the very first paragraph of Were You Close? my heart was utterly gripped and held tightly. The day after reading it my emotions are as raw. Author Anne Pinkerton writes with such passion and soul. Her intense grief is pure and moved me to tears. It was impossible not to think about my own beloved brother dying one day.

Anne's athletic, adventurous and caring radiologist brother David went missing on a vigorous mountain climb and was found dead days after. This is Anne's perspectives on David's life and death and how he impacted her and those around her. She describes the crushing stages of grief and memories, simultaneously poignant and beautiful. When others asked her whether she had her step brother had been close, she felt defensive and guilty then introspectively analyzed the question. How does one define closeness? Were they close enough? Though twelve years apart they hit it off immediately when their families blended when she was a young child. Photographs, memories and words from others attest to their closeness.

Chapters are short and profound. So many aspects are memorable but those about the symbolism and importance of David's hands, our culture's reaction to death, the desperate need to hold onto a loved one's belongings, physicality of ashes and the concept of major loss stand out. Anne also describes the aftermath, kindness of others and moving on after unspeakable tragedy. Her quest to know… truly know her brother is a remarkable revolving journey.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

New author, Anne Pinkerton, just released "Were You Close?: A sister’s quest to know the brother she lost. " In it she writes a beautiful tribute to her brother David, an avid climber, outdoorsman, and radiologist. He loved being a doctor, caring for people, he felt so lucky too that his profession provided ample opportunity to pursue his athletic passions.

One day, on a climb, he goes missing, how could this happen? He was at the top of his game, often seeming to fly over terrain, whether on the trail or a rock face. His body is found two days later and what remains is her love for her big brother and the Herculean tasks to understand what happened, to honor him and his memory, to share what it is like to lose a sibling.

As Ms. Pinkerton discovers, there isn't much written about sibling loss. Though this loss is profound it doesn't have a defined noun to describe it. Furthermore, losing a sibling is equal to amputation in that there is the complete loss of a part of you and your identity. That identity is you, as a child, creating precious memories. She talks about disenfranchised grief, which as the sibling often feels secondary to a mother's grief at losing her child.

If you've experienced loss of a sibling or any profound loss, use this book as tool to understand grief. Read it and feel like you are talking with a friend, someone who "gets it."

I love this book. So necessary, I highly recommend it!

Sue

[Melanie Faith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heartily recommend this moving memoir to anyone who has a sibling, who has lost a family member, and/or who has lost someone suddenly. This book is also an excellent read for readers who like well-told memoirs, books about siblings and/or families, and books about the outdoors and adventuring/adventure sports.

In prose that is both lyrical and loving, Anne Pinkerton recounts her sibling bond with her accomplished, athletic brother as well as the heart-wrenching experience in the months after he goes missing while mountain climbing. While trying to piece together what might have happened on her brother's fateful trip, she carries the reader along through the suspense and the layers of sorrow after losing such a loving family member so tragically and so abruptly, without the opportunity for closure.

Wherever you are in your own grief or aftermath journey, this tender and resonant memoir will offer support and resonant truth that will speak to you.

Highly recommended!

[Marie Polega · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an emotional read, and so well done

[Leanna James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Were You Close? is a deeply affecting, beautifully written, urgently necessary memoir that I read in one long sitting, unable to stop. I still can't stop thinking about it.

Anne Pinkerton's gripping story about losing her brilliant brother, a radiologist and adventure athlete with an enormous heart, a man who seemed invincible and then died in a fall from a mountaintop, shattered my heart and then, page by page, slowly and almost miraculously healed it. Her courageous journey through her “disenfranchised grief”—a term describing misunderstood, un-socially sanctioned grief, the pain for which our culture makes no room—showed me I am far from alone. Her book is the light at the end of what can be a very long tunnel for those of who have lost siblings, or have lost anyone we loved.

This writer understands every aspect of loss—the shock and bewilderment, the sudden flood of memories, the mysteries and lingering questions, the unexpected discoveries, and, ultimately, the way to acceptance and the possibility of a deeper, inner connection to the person gone. She writes so compellingly that I forgot the world outside while I was reading. I put the book down feeling as though I'd walked every step of the way with her, having witnessed a human soul in the process of expansion.

I hope this book ends up in the hands of thousands of readers. It is a major contribution to the literature of loss and will stay in my heart—and on my bookshelf—for a very long time.

[Heidi Fettig Parton · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We, as a culture, are so inept at talking about death and dying, loss and grief," Anne Pinkerton writes in her book, WERE YOU CLOSE: A SISTER'S QUEST TO KNOW THE BROTHER SHE LOST. "Worrying over how to address a bereaved person can paralyze us with fear," Pinkerton continues, "so we avoid it at all costs. **** Most of us are uneasy acknowledging that death is part of life, though losses are the only experiences guaranteed to happen to all of us at some point."

For me, a Hospice volunteer and trained end-of-life doula, Pinkerton's words could not ring more true. How do we, though, start to look at death and grieving in an era when death has been removed from our homes, has been become something clinical, something out there in the beyond ... and maybe, if we eat the right combination of supplements, will avoid us all together? But what if death comes for us anyway, like it did for Anne's brother, David, in our prime while we're still metaphorically (or literally, in David's case) scaling mountains? Or, God forbid, death comes for a loved one.

As Pinkerton learned, "Anything can happen."

Since beginning a mindfulness practice with a Zen Buddhist teacher in my mid-20s, I made a practice of contemplating death, trying to prepare for its inevitability. One sure way I found for doing this was through the reading of books about death and grief, about the ones who leave us and the ones left behind. At first, these "death" books filled a shelf on one of my bookshelves. Now, decades later, they have their own dedicated bookshelf. With Pinkerton's memoir, WERE YOU CLOSE, I have added a new one to the ranks--this one, my first about sibling loss, a less covered aspect of grief.

In WERE YOU CLOSE, Pinkerton thoughtfully challenged and altered how I think about sibling loss; and how I will gather to me, create, and hold onto memories of my three living brothers going forward.

Although WERE YOU CLOSE covers death, loss, and grief, Pinkerton's experienced pen keeps the pages moving, keeps the narrative from ever becoming too heavy or overwhelming. She took care of herself in the wake of her brother's death, in the avalanche of searing grief, by attending a bereavement writing group where she learned to look into the raging fire of her grief because, as Pinkerton writes, "There is a bigger danger in never looking. In looking away."

Writer Beth Kephart has said: To write loss is to name who you've become in its wake.

This is exactly what Pinkerton has done in WERE YOU CLOSE. She's done the hard work of looking into the fire of her grief and loss, she's done the hard work (though, admittedly, this grief work never ends) and she's emerged--into a clearing--where she writes from her heart and soul, where she becomes a guide to those who need to, want to, must ... look into this fire themselves.

If you are a connoisseur of memoir, of books on loss and grief, of books on death, of books on extreme adventuring (or all of these, as I am), WERE YOU CLOSE is definitely a book to read, to savor, and to add to your bookshelf (real or virtual).

[AEB Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine going about your daily activities when someone calls to say your a family member has been reported missing. Initially you think nothing of it, knowing this is someone you don't have regular contact with, an experienced mountaineer with a thirst for adventure. As time goes on doubts start to sink in and then, several days later, the unthinkable; the discovery of a body.

Were You Close? by Anne Pinkerton is one sister's reconciliation with the tragic loss of her older brother David, whose sudden death in 2008 shook the lives of her and her extended family to its core. Titled after the grinding repetition small talk with people offering sympathy, including the question "were you close?", the starting place for Pinkerton's book is in the memories of growing up as the baby sister of the family, half-sibling to older brothers David and Tommy. Memories of visiting David in his medical coat in a radiology department is spliced with the immediate aftermath of his death in equally clinical fashion. As the book progresses we see as the dust settles and the family come to terms with life beyond grief, Pinkerton herself begins to explore her own choices in life and her relationships with other members in her extended family.

Pinkerton's combination of memoir and semi-biographical epic is beautifully executed in this book. It highlights the pain sudden and unexpected loss, alongside the struggles of being seen in a societal construct that tends to plant heightened concern over the wellbeing of spouses and children. Yet David had neither of those (although he did have a girlfriend). This book wraps itself around acceptance of the unknown and one woman's journey to find herself through the ashes of what might have been with the brother she lost.

The writing quality in this book is exceptional and moving. The book moves at the right pace to ensure the right topics get more air time while others are briefly mentioned to cover the event itself and the ten years following. We are routing for Pinkerton when she decides to enrol on a Masters degree for creative writing, we feel her concern and frustration when a localised hurricane delays David's memorial service. By the last chapter you will struggle to find a dry eye in the house. Nobody could have written this story better.

A cleverly positioned book for those who enjoy inspirational memoirs as much as emotionally charged ones, Were You Close? is the perfect companion for those cosy nights and a good cup of peppermint tea.



AEB Reviews

[Jocelyn Jane Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anne Pinkerton’s superb memoir, Were You Close?, is about losing her older brother to a mountain climbing accident while he was out in the wilderness conquering yet another peak, this time by himself. Their story is gripping and heart-wrenching. An accomplished athlete and doctor, David’s death remains a shock to all the family members and fellow athletes who admired him ~ he was a risk-taker but had an almost legendary expertise with mountaineering.

While ruminating on their relationship as kids and as adults, Pinkerton underscores for her readers that we always think we’ll have more time with our loved ones. One of the threads that will stick with me the most is that sibling loss and that particular grief is under-explored, and under-written. Our relationships with our siblings may vary in closeness (then and now) but these are the people with whom we share the most DNA and foundational memories. As Pinkerton tries to come to terms with this unexpected loss, she reminds us that time is fleeting, the future is uncertain, and that maybe we should pick up the phone, make the call, make the effort, and make more memories, for those of us lucky enough to still have our siblings. I highly recommend this beautifully-written book.

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Death tends to be a eye-opener in so many ways, as Anne Pinkerton demonstrates in this riveting memoir about the death of her much-older stepbrother while off adventuring in the wilderness.

Anne always thought of David as a charismatic, good-looking doctor and avid outdoorsman. More importantly, he’d protected and played with her when she was young, the reason she felt so close to him.

When he died and she traveled to Texas for his funeral, however, she wandered through his house. The more she studied his home while sifting through old memories, the more she began to wonder how deeply she’d really known him.

Anne gives an emotionally honest, and often lyrical, account of her thoughts and heartache. In so doing we see the painful reevaluation of a treasured relationship; of what bound Anne and her brother, and what distanced them, too.

This book will make you stop and think twice before asking the question people often ask Anne when they learn about her brother’s death, “Were you close?”

Thought-provoking and absolutely beautiful!

[Lanette Sweeney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a moving, excellently written memoir about losing a brother and then having to face the terrible difficulty most people have in navigating the grief of others.

Pinkerton's big brother seems to have been an almost magical man: a doctor, a mountain climber, an outdoorsman and adventurer and philanthropist. His death from falling off a mountain was a terrible shock for the author and all who loved him.

In the months and years since enduring this terrible loss, Pinkerton is most often asked the question that becomes the book's title--as if her answer will determine how much sympathy she is due. People who know her.express sympathy but then immediately ask, "How are your parents doing?" As if she herself were not standing right in front of them struggling to manage her own grief.

This is a beautiful, heartfelt book that will move you and make you think. I highly recommend it.

[Rebecca Olander · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading this moving memoir by Anne Pinkerton, Were You Close? (Vine Leaves Press, 2023), about sibling loss, but also about nature and relationships, culture and community, what drives our joy and our choices, and how we wrestle with grief and the unknowable. I’m in awe of the openness with which Anne writes. She’s a beautiful and candid storyteller, and the way this story was braided was a marvel, as well as compulsively readable. In the aftermath of the death of her older brother, Anne spends time earning, enduring, and exploring the “largess” of grief, not unlike summiting a 14,000-foot mountain like the one her brother died on, forging her into a stronger human and also one ultimately more connected to her family, including the very brother she lost. Thank you for sharing this, Anne. ♥️

[Esturgis · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a gift. Anne’s story is about so much more than loss, though as she notes, our society avoids talk of death, especially “premature” and especially of siblings. But what to me is so powerful is the journey she shares with us through the days, months and years after her brother died on a Colorado mountain. For the writer in us, she shares tools learned, for the “couch potato”, she shows us how she took risks, found new interests. For the adventurer’s family, she helps to understand why their drive is in their core.

Whatever loss we may experience, Anne gives us perspective and tools to face it, to study it, to learn to live with it. So grateful.

I couldn’t put it down. So beautifully written.

[Andrea Julian · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartfelt tribute to a beloved brother. Anne artfully weaves threads of life, grief, family and music into a memoir that revolves around a shining human whose light touched all those around him. The topic of sibling grief is not often discussed and resources for handling this kind of loss are limited. "Were You Close?" holds space for those who have suffered loss and celebrates the the sibling bond. I read this one too quickly, it pulled me in from beginning to end, a thoroughly enjoyable read that left a sweetness in my heart.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am glad someone is talking about sibling loss. This book brings us inside what it can be like when we lose part of ourselves, a sibling, in death.
I appreciate the authors candid experience and the willingness to share that with the reader. This book shows us that loss never leaves us, but peace can be found in small meaningful ways when we least expect it but when we need it most.

[Carole Duff · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid memoir about a younger sister’s grief for her larger-than-life brother. Pinkerton takes her readers on the journey, peeling away the layers of “what happened” and “why.” But it’s the “how” of grief that makes this story a life-changing experience.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a gorgeous book about sibling grief. We read it as part of the Sibling Loss book club organized by Loss of a Lifetime and it was a great choice. I wish this book had existed when my brother died but I’m grateful it exists now and I know it will bring many so much comfort.

[Elizabeth Antosy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written and a quick read. I’d love to read more from this author, as she writes lovely. I found this book a smidge repetitive, but I’d still recommend!

[Deirdre K]

Read for my local book club, as a friend went to school with the author.

Memoirs are impossible to review, as this is a very generous story of a sister’s love for her brother and her search for some answers and resolution after his untimely death while mountain climbing in Colorado.

I’m grateful to her for sharing her amazing brother David with the world.

[Suzie Babij · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

The true story of a sister losing her brother to an accident.

I really wanted to love this book; but I personally felt it was repetitive & dragged on unnecessarily. When the author is quoting Wikipedia regarding national siblings day - it probably could have been cut shorter.

The premise though - that the loss of a sibling, especially at a younger age, isn’t recognized the same as losing a parent or losing a child, was very thought provoking. To have that grief diminished or dismissed Is horrible. I greatly appreciate that the author was able to both express that grief & pay tribute to her brother at the same time.

We learned a lot about David, his life & tremendous impact on those around him, even after his passing & the effect it had on his family. The author did a wonderful job really showing us who David was, and what led to his last moments. I just felt it was too long as it was repetitive - I don’t want to dismiss her grief, but the same sentiment was told in different scenarios over and over

It is worth a read, yes, but wasn’t one I couldn’t put down

[Catherine Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoyed Joan Didion’s book, The Year of Magical Thinking, you must read Anne Pinkerton’s memoir Were You Close? a story of sibling loss. When Pinkerton mentioned the “forgotten mourners,” (a term used for those of us who have lost a sibling and the societal attitudes that surround such a loss) I kept nodding in agreement. As I read Pinkerton’s story I was immediately drawn to the descriptions of her beloved brother. The writing mirrored the way I wrestled with my own brother's death. He was my only sibling and this memoir made me feel understood. Although both our parents are deceased, his death represented a cherished, severed connection, one I will continue to mourn. One of the lines in the book that captivated me was, “I wondered if we would ever stop looking for him.”

Exactly. I will never stop looking for or talking to my brother.

This was a perfect illustration of how it feels when the connection to a beloved sibling is severed by death. In writing about her brother’s death, she has brought him to life and shown readers the different ways we navigate grief.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I won this book through a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to Vines Leaves Press for choosing me.

Broken up into short, easy to read chapters this book tells the story of Anne as she deals with her grief in the aftermath of her brother's tragic and untimely death. It is emotional and it will tear at your heartstrings. It definitely provides the reader with a clear picture of what Anne was feeling in her day to day life after he passes away.

Books on grief aren't ever easy to read, but its definitely worth it. It allows us to walk a mile in someone else's shoes and helps us all learn how to walk through our own grief journeys and support our loved ones through at the same time.

This book is a beautiful testament to how much she loved her brother and will definitely stick with me for a while.