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My Body Keeps Your Secrets: Dispatches on Shame and Reclamation
In her first full-length book, Lucia Osborne-Crowley, author of the acclaimed Mood Indigo essay I Choose Elena, writes about the secrets a woman's body keeps, from puberty to menstruation to sexual pleasure; to pregnancy or its absence; and to darker secrets of abuse, invasion or violation. Through the voices of women around the world and her own deeply moving testimony, My Body Keeps Your Secrets tells the story of the young woman's body in 2021. Moving from girlhood and adolescence to young womanhood, Osborne-Crowley establishes her credentials as a key feminist thinker of a new generation with this widely researched and boldly argued work about reclaiming our bodies in the age of social media.
305 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2021
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7008 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 153 reviews
November 30, 2021
The ideas and stories this book discusses are really valuable and important. Osbourne-Crowley gives voice to the stories of women and non-binary people and our complex, troubled relationships with our bodies which are too often silenced. Unfortunately the execution of this didn’t really work for me. Where I hoped personal voice would be emotive, the narrative style of these stories was distancing. Repetitive phrasing weakened the expression rather than providing emphasis, and I found it structurally scattered. It’s likely to be a book that is significant for many readers, but I think could impact more with a better edit.
October 3, 2021
As with I Choose Elena, My Body Keeps Your Secrets is not an easy read, but I found myself nodding furiously the whole way through. Every other page offers a lightbulb moment or the kind of insight that will make you gasp. Osborne-Crawley deserves a wide readership; her tireless efforts to examine and self-examine will resonate for all readers, regardless of their own identities and histories.
My full review of My Body Keeps Your Secrets is up now on Keeping Up With The Penguins.
My full review of My Body Keeps Your Secrets is up now on Keeping Up With The Penguins.
December 19, 2021
It’s been a week since I finished reading this book and I’m still no closer to being able to figure out what I want to say about it. Writing about trauma and shame and the way they show up in the body, the author details her own experiences as well as telling the stories of some of the people she interviewed for this book.
A lot of the content is very difficult to read and at times it felt like I was being intrusive, as though I was sneaking a peek into the author’s journal.
I feel like I’m phoning it in here but rather than waffle on when I really don’t know what to say, I’m going to share some of the quotes I highlighted.
On shame:
Blog - https://schizanthusnerd.com
A lot of the content is very difficult to read and at times it felt like I was being intrusive, as though I was sneaking a peek into the author’s journal.
I feel like I’m phoning it in here but rather than waffle on when I really don’t know what to say, I’m going to share some of the quotes I highlighted.
On shame:
Shame is the emotion that compels us to keep secrets. It comes from the outside, but it lives within.
What I learned from the interviews I did for this book is that to know you are one thing and be told you are another is a singular form of shame transmission. It is the same thing I keep coming back to, again and again, in these interviews: it is the horror of not knowing what is real and what isn’t, of being taught not to trust yourself, of never knowing who to believe, of knowing that your own reality won’t be trusted if you dare to speak it aloud.
The false self, Dr Joseph Burgo tells us in Shame, is about escape. When shame is transmitted to us, we become convinced that our authentic self is somehow not good enough, somehow worthy of whatever shameless acts we endured. So then our instinct is to escape that self. To hide from ourselves, to lie to ourselves, to erase the person we were when the first bad thing happened.On self destructive behaviours:
The thing with habits meant to punish is that each time we become accustomed to them, they become normal and no longer bring us enough discomfort to fit the brief.On declining conviction rates:
Some would say that as rape is being spotlit for the rich and famous, it’s being slowly decriminalised for the rest of us.On chronic pain:
So here’s the kicker: ignoring women’s pain not only inhibits the process of healing, it actually makes it more likely that the pain will become permanent.
I keep coming back to one statistic: that 70 per cent of all sufferers of chronic pain are women. That chronic pain is a disease born when acute pain is ignored. Could our illness be, in part, a product of our society’s belief that we ought to care for others instead of ourselves?Content warnings include mention of .
Blog - https://schizanthusnerd.com
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March 23, 2024NB: I don't rate biographies and memoirs.
Quick review: An honest and often difficult read about personal relationships with the body and how shame and dissolution can warp perspectives. Lucia talks openly about her own relationship with her body, how a horrific event at 15 (which she kept a secret) resulted in the body manifesting the trauma as physical pain. It was interesting to see how the body copes with something the mind refuses to acknowledge and also how people shape their body to match their mental shape - to become small, insignificant or use it to physically release repressed pain.
This was a heavy read with lots of triggers, and while I admire the author for putting their heart and emotion into their story and in the story of those they spoke to, at times I felt a big disconnect between reader and author. I think by only adding bits and pieces of other people's stories created this barrier, preventing the reader from really getting to know the people behind the voices. If it had just focused on Lucia, or as an alternative removed her story and opinions entirely, I think I would have felt more emotionally invested - however I completely understand why the stories are told the way they are, and indeed Lucia even states it's because she only accepted the parts of each story the participants were willing to give freely.
Emotional and deeply personal, it's through acknowledgement and acceptance that we can reclaim our bodies, and that's a powerful message Lucia has put out into the world. I admire her strength and candor here in order to potentially help others heal.
Quick review: An honest and often difficult read about personal relationships with the body and how shame and dissolution can warp perspectives. Lucia talks openly about her own relationship with her body, how a horrific event at 15 (which she kept a secret) resulted in the body manifesting the trauma as physical pain. It was interesting to see how the body copes with something the mind refuses to acknowledge and also how people shape their body to match their mental shape - to become small, insignificant or use it to physically release repressed pain.
This was a heavy read with lots of triggers, and while I admire the author for putting their heart and emotion into their story and in the story of those they spoke to, at times I felt a big disconnect between reader and author. I think by only adding bits and pieces of other people's stories created this barrier, preventing the reader from really getting to know the people behind the voices. If it had just focused on Lucia, or as an alternative removed her story and opinions entirely, I think I would have felt more emotionally invested - however I completely understand why the stories are told the way they are, and indeed Lucia even states it's because she only accepted the parts of each story the participants were willing to give freely.
Emotional and deeply personal, it's through acknowledgement and acceptance that we can reclaim our bodies, and that's a powerful message Lucia has put out into the world. I admire her strength and candor here in order to potentially help others heal.
June 5, 2022
A beautiful, unflinching book that dives into shame what it does to us, how it affects us all and more. 🌻 this is a book that people really need to read. 📖
The body we are born with is never allowed to just be.
We have been taught that we will stop hating ourselves, stop being shamed, if we just change ourselves. But it doesn't work like that. It the kind of shame that comes from a society again and again that your not enough, that you are unworthy. It is the kind of shame that passed down by traumatized mothers. The kind of shame handed to us by acts of violence and sexual entitlement. It is the kind of shame that gets under our skin through racist and sexist remarks in hallways and in knowing the next character assassination is always around the corner.
As someone who is shamed for being skinny, pretty, and female, more. It is exhausting; being told "your nothing but skin and bones," or "how does one forget to eat," "Are you woman?" Skinny, pretty etc does not equal happiness. Happiness is a mindset and we do things to maintain it but sometimes it is frustrating to stand in world were you can't be average or you. This book reminded me and showed me I wasn't alone. 🤗😭❤
The body we are born with is never allowed to just be.
We have been taught that we will stop hating ourselves, stop being shamed, if we just change ourselves. But it doesn't work like that. It the kind of shame that comes from a society again and again that your not enough, that you are unworthy. It is the kind of shame that passed down by traumatized mothers. The kind of shame handed to us by acts of violence and sexual entitlement. It is the kind of shame that gets under our skin through racist and sexist remarks in hallways and in knowing the next character assassination is always around the corner.
As someone who is shamed for being skinny, pretty, and female, more. It is exhausting; being told "your nothing but skin and bones," or "how does one forget to eat," "Are you woman?" Skinny, pretty etc does not equal happiness. Happiness is a mindset and we do things to maintain it but sometimes it is frustrating to stand in world were you can't be average or you. This book reminded me and showed me I wasn't alone. 🤗😭❤
August 3, 2023
Я думаю, мы как общество должны работать над тем, чтобы мужчины чаще испытывали стыд и были не уверены в себе) я уже начала
March 11, 2022
***** for the participants, for sharing their stories
Osborne-Crowley shares testimonies of mostly young women and non-binary people in an effort to explore her shame around body image and sex within heteronormative relationships after her rape at 15. Her and others' struggles with eating disorders are also a major feature of the book. The testimonies of the interviewees stood out for me, although many of them also contained too much information and I found them triggering.
Osborne-Crowley links her trauma with her emerging chronic illnesses, and this is commendable. It's great to see these words articulated by a sufferer appearing on the shelves. But accolades on the back herald Osborne-Crowley's 'credentials as a key intersectional feminist thinker for a new generation', and this I think is going a bit too far.
Osborne-Crowley (white, middle class, bi) is constantly over-identifying with her interviewees, whether they are a traveller (Romany), non-binary person, Tibetan, Nigerian, or Malaysian-Indian growing up in a traditional Muslim home. For example, Sunita has ovarian cancer and her family didn't want it to circulate in the community. Sunita's testimony finishes. Osborne-Crowley states:
“For weeks after our interview, I think so much about Sunita. About how her community made her feel ashamed of her illness. About how she didn't feel able to talk about being sick with the people closest to her. Illness and shame are still so bound together for so many of us” (pp. 251-252).
It is just at the end, in that clause 'for so many of us' – the author is glossing her white experience, which we already know a lot about, with a person of colour's. I'm not sure if this voicing decision is an editing one, to make the book more accessible, but by the end of the book I had no patience for Osborne-Crowley's lengthy memoir inserts, which came after her interviewees' too-short testimonies.
As far as who else is interviewed in the book, there is a chapter on 'girl-adjacent' non-binary people, which ended up feeling token in the scheme of the whole book. The rest consisted 95% heteronormative and cisgendered women. Apart from an extremely short lesbian testimony (which was a lesbian-lesbian power dynamic), there was no mention of how male violence can impact lesbians, trans (m-f or f-m) or gay men. Osborne-Crowley's language and awareness of these other folks' vulnerability to sexual violence seemed to be completely blinkered. Working poor and disadvantaged people were also not included in the book.
Structurally, this is also a very uneven book. The valuable testimonies are not woven so well into the narrative and it feels a little like a rushed draft to me. The interpretation of citations is not always clear, or on the other side of the coin, too simple and there is so much repetition. For me, this book glossed a complicated topic, but if women find it useful, especially in terms of dating, then it's a good thing.
Osborne-Crowley shares testimonies of mostly young women and non-binary people in an effort to explore her shame around body image and sex within heteronormative relationships after her rape at 15. Her and others' struggles with eating disorders are also a major feature of the book. The testimonies of the interviewees stood out for me, although many of them also contained too much information and I found them triggering.
Osborne-Crowley links her trauma with her emerging chronic illnesses, and this is commendable. It's great to see these words articulated by a sufferer appearing on the shelves. But accolades on the back herald Osborne-Crowley's 'credentials as a key intersectional feminist thinker for a new generation', and this I think is going a bit too far.
Osborne-Crowley (white, middle class, bi) is constantly over-identifying with her interviewees, whether they are a traveller (Romany), non-binary person, Tibetan, Nigerian, or Malaysian-Indian growing up in a traditional Muslim home. For example, Sunita has ovarian cancer and her family didn't want it to circulate in the community. Sunita's testimony finishes. Osborne-Crowley states:
“For weeks after our interview, I think so much about Sunita. About how her community made her feel ashamed of her illness. About how she didn't feel able to talk about being sick with the people closest to her. Illness and shame are still so bound together for so many of us” (pp. 251-252).
It is just at the end, in that clause 'for so many of us' – the author is glossing her white experience, which we already know a lot about, with a person of colour's. I'm not sure if this voicing decision is an editing one, to make the book more accessible, but by the end of the book I had no patience for Osborne-Crowley's lengthy memoir inserts, which came after her interviewees' too-short testimonies.
As far as who else is interviewed in the book, there is a chapter on 'girl-adjacent' non-binary people, which ended up feeling token in the scheme of the whole book. The rest consisted 95% heteronormative and cisgendered women. Apart from an extremely short lesbian testimony (which was a lesbian-lesbian power dynamic), there was no mention of how male violence can impact lesbians, trans (m-f or f-m) or gay men. Osborne-Crowley's language and awareness of these other folks' vulnerability to sexual violence seemed to be completely blinkered. Working poor and disadvantaged people were also not included in the book.
Structurally, this is also a very uneven book. The valuable testimonies are not woven so well into the narrative and it feels a little like a rushed draft to me. The interpretation of citations is not always clear, or on the other side of the coin, too simple and there is so much repetition. For me, this book glossed a complicated topic, but if women find it useful, especially in terms of dating, then it's a good thing.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 9, 2022
despite including 'non-binary people' in its description, this book was not for me, a non-binary person. non-binary was used as a superficial synonym for AFAB non-binary or, as the author puts it herself 'girl adjacent'. Despite mentioning 'women and non-binary people' the only non-binary people included in this book are in the single chapter specifically dedicated to non-binary people. Otherwise, it is used intermittently when the author wants to remind the reader that she is in fact being gender-inclusive, despite never once mentioning trans women, trans men, AMAB non-binary people etc. Non-binary people are used to parallel the experiences of women.
major triggers in this book for eating disorders including specific numbers, sizes, calories, techniques and behaviours viscerally described
as well as self-harm, suicide, rape, sexual abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, alcohol and drug use all, again, described in rich detail
major triggers in this book for eating disorders including specific numbers, sizes, calories, techniques and behaviours viscerally described
as well as self-harm, suicide, rape, sexual abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, alcohol and drug use all, again, described in rich detail
December 8, 2022
Content not the issue here - incredible and important stories. Crap editing and no order at all. Lacked depth on everything from stories to other work that was cited throughout. More than one book in this book and it showed.
December 14, 2021
The ideas in this book are important and interesting and the stories told are necessary. However, I found the structure took away from the importance and flow of the writing making it difficult to hear the stories of each person interviewed.
July 7, 2022
My Body Keeps Your Secret by @luciaoc is one of the best non-fictions I’ve ever read. Seriously. It’s up there with the greats in my hall of non-fiction fame. It’s range of topics, all centred around trauma, mean it keeps you on your toes. It’s written powerfully but without the flouncy words you’ve got to google. It’s honest, heartfelt, devastating and beautiful.
I listened to this book last week, with Lucia reading her own stories, plus the lives of many others. I know this book was about trauma, but that was all. Opening with details of when Lucia was raped at 15 years but chose not to tell anybody, I knew this was gonna be a tough one. And it was, but also it was absolutely worth any sadness.
As you’d expect from the title, as well as sads, Lucia dissects how this trauma has actually led to physical impacts in her body. Specifically, Lucia deals with chronic pain which seems to have manifested from this rape.
As well as her own story, Lucia seeks out the stories of many women or non-binary people, making this book multidimensional and genuinely relating to all (unless you’re a lucky one living in sunshine). This book also focusses on eating disorders, body image, suicidal ideations, self-harm, miscarriage, domestic abuse, and kind of every other sad thing.
This book was gifted genuinely about a year ago by @jordtaylorjones and @theindigopress. It’s taken me until now to pick it up and I’m kind of mad I didn’t do it sooner, but then kind of glad because it’s made my present reading *chef’s kisses*. Not an ad or anything, I just highly suggest you read this book and gift it to all the females and non-binary folk in your life and then all of the males too. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Mic drop.
I listened to this book last week, with Lucia reading her own stories, plus the lives of many others. I know this book was about trauma, but that was all. Opening with details of when Lucia was raped at 15 years but chose not to tell anybody, I knew this was gonna be a tough one. And it was, but also it was absolutely worth any sadness.
As you’d expect from the title, as well as sads, Lucia dissects how this trauma has actually led to physical impacts in her body. Specifically, Lucia deals with chronic pain which seems to have manifested from this rape.
As well as her own story, Lucia seeks out the stories of many women or non-binary people, making this book multidimensional and genuinely relating to all (unless you’re a lucky one living in sunshine). This book also focusses on eating disorders, body image, suicidal ideations, self-harm, miscarriage, domestic abuse, and kind of every other sad thing.
This book was gifted genuinely about a year ago by @jordtaylorjones and @theindigopress. It’s taken me until now to pick it up and I’m kind of mad I didn’t do it sooner, but then kind of glad because it’s made my present reading *chef’s kisses*. Not an ad or anything, I just highly suggest you read this book and gift it to all the females and non-binary folk in your life and then all of the males too. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Mic drop.
July 3, 2023
4.5* A fantastic non-fiction read that expands on the authors first book I Choose Elena. I love this authors voice and narrative style, and I also love that she's made such an effort to include non-binary voices through these stories. Some parts of the book did feel a bit fragmented as she switched between discussing her own experiences and those of others, but on the whole I think this is a really solid look at the way women and non-binary people exist in their bodies and in the world, and the impacts that violence and assault can have on their experiences.
April 17, 2022
I appreciate everyone sharing their story here, and I realise that lots of readers have got a lot out of this, but it didn't really work for me.
I thought there would be more about the connection of trauma and illness than there was, and ultimately felt that this was a lot of trauma dumping from the author and the interviewees (I get not everyone thinks this and I know that sharing stories is empowering but I needed it to go beyond just telling me about the awful things that had happened to people).
The style was not really for me either and I was unsure about the use of 'women and non-binary people' when I think she meant women and AFAB people and omitted any discussion around trans experiences even tho the blurb said otherwise.
I thought there would be more about the connection of trauma and illness than there was, and ultimately felt that this was a lot of trauma dumping from the author and the interviewees (I get not everyone thinks this and I know that sharing stories is empowering but I needed it to go beyond just telling me about the awful things that had happened to people).
The style was not really for me either and I was unsure about the use of 'women and non-binary people' when I think she meant women and AFAB people and omitted any discussion around trans experiences even tho the blurb said otherwise.
August 19, 2023
V triggering but also v important and very much a book I needed to read at this point in my life.
Will eventually write a full review but I want to sit with this one and let the points marinate.
Will eventually write a full review but I want to sit with this one and let the points marinate.
December 19, 2025
3.5
there are definitely some really great parts about this book and i loved the interviews with such different people about their experiences, but i did have a few issues. one thing that i’ve seen mentioned in a few reviews that i agree with strongly is that nonbinary people are treated pretty much indistinguishable from women, and only afab nonbinary people are discussed. they’re treated as a sub-section of women instead of non-women, which was weird.
i also thought parts of the book felt disjointed and unorganized, like it could’ve gone through another round of editing to make the most sense.
problems aside, this book does a great job at exploring the shame, pain, and mental illness as they relate to the female experience. as women we become so accustomed to being uncomfortable and pushing our internal problems away in order to care for others around us, which is incredibly upsetting and damaging.
there are definitely some really great parts about this book and i loved the interviews with such different people about their experiences, but i did have a few issues. one thing that i’ve seen mentioned in a few reviews that i agree with strongly is that nonbinary people are treated pretty much indistinguishable from women, and only afab nonbinary people are discussed. they’re treated as a sub-section of women instead of non-women, which was weird.
i also thought parts of the book felt disjointed and unorganized, like it could’ve gone through another round of editing to make the most sense.
problems aside, this book does a great job at exploring the shame, pain, and mental illness as they relate to the female experience. as women we become so accustomed to being uncomfortable and pushing our internal problems away in order to care for others around us, which is incredibly upsetting and damaging.
April 6, 2022
TW: body image, mental health, sexual assault, physical assault.
In My Body Keeps Your Secrets, Lucia shares the voices of women and trans and non-binary people around the world, as well as her own deeply moving testimony. She writes of vulnerability, acceptance and the reclaiming of our selves, all in defiance of a world where atrocities are committed and survivors are repeatedly told to carry the weight of that shame.
This book took my breath away.
I related, I wept, I felt deeply.
I thought of my own experience, and never sharing until I was in my thirties and how lifting that emotional, mental and physical weight off me, how much better, safer and healtier I felt.
Thank you Lucia, it's exactly what I needed.
In My Body Keeps Your Secrets, Lucia shares the voices of women and trans and non-binary people around the world, as well as her own deeply moving testimony. She writes of vulnerability, acceptance and the reclaiming of our selves, all in defiance of a world where atrocities are committed and survivors are repeatedly told to carry the weight of that shame.
This book took my breath away.
I related, I wept, I felt deeply.
I thought of my own experience, and never sharing until I was in my thirties and how lifting that emotional, mental and physical weight off me, how much better, safer and healtier I felt.
Thank you Lucia, it's exactly what I needed.
March 10, 2023
This book was a birthday present from my best friend last year and its been shelved for ages, one of those TBR's that never gets touched but instead becomes part of the furniture.
I have a lot of anger after finishing it. I have a lot of sadness, frustration, incredulity. I am so pissed off at the way so many women and non binary people are treated in the most everyday, current, real situations and are expected to put up with it. I am in disbelief that this is the reality of the gendered politics of today.
Osbourne-Crowley speaks to a range of different women and non binary people in this book about their experiences with sexual abuse, relationships, body issues, self harm. There is a lot of discussion of these subjects, but as someone who has struggled with both self harm and disordered eating, I actually didn't find it triggering at all. The way she approaches the subjects is with such empathy, in such a gentle way, that instead I felt cocooned and supported by her throughout.
I was especially drawn to the chapter that introduced the idea of 'the cool girl,' this aesthetic that we are taught from a really young age to adopt in order to attract men. I learnt this watching Skins and wanting desperately to be like Effy or Cassie and I'd be lying if those characters aren't something I still, in a tiny corner of my subconscious, aspire to.
This not giving a fuck attitude, as soon as I started adopting it, worked. I started getting asked out more, I started getting in relationships more, and I was able to hang on to people, but it would always always slip after a while because it was an act! I do give a fuck, I want people to care, I want to be held, supported, talk about how I'm feeling. Its mad that its taken 27 years for me to realise that. I hope this book can touch other young people before then because it is just really exhausting creating a self that doesn't accurately embody you and to know that others are dealing with the same things is really refreshing. There is strength in it being talked about.
I have a lot of anger after finishing it. I have a lot of sadness, frustration, incredulity. I am so pissed off at the way so many women and non binary people are treated in the most everyday, current, real situations and are expected to put up with it. I am in disbelief that this is the reality of the gendered politics of today.
Osbourne-Crowley speaks to a range of different women and non binary people in this book about their experiences with sexual abuse, relationships, body issues, self harm. There is a lot of discussion of these subjects, but as someone who has struggled with both self harm and disordered eating, I actually didn't find it triggering at all. The way she approaches the subjects is with such empathy, in such a gentle way, that instead I felt cocooned and supported by her throughout.
I was especially drawn to the chapter that introduced the idea of 'the cool girl,' this aesthetic that we are taught from a really young age to adopt in order to attract men. I learnt this watching Skins and wanting desperately to be like Effy or Cassie and I'd be lying if those characters aren't something I still, in a tiny corner of my subconscious, aspire to.
This not giving a fuck attitude, as soon as I started adopting it, worked. I started getting asked out more, I started getting in relationships more, and I was able to hang on to people, but it would always always slip after a while because it was an act! I do give a fuck, I want people to care, I want to be held, supported, talk about how I'm feeling. Its mad that its taken 27 years for me to realise that. I hope this book can touch other young people before then because it is just really exhausting creating a self that doesn't accurately embody you and to know that others are dealing with the same things is really refreshing. There is strength in it being talked about.
April 2, 2024
2.5
some disjointed thoughts:
repetitive linguistics
interviews interesting in the beginning but became redundant and interspersed so that they are extremely hard to follow
reads almost like an academic article with how much citing of other sources there is
one queer story and many hetero ones :/
i understand the purpose of the interviews but by the 50% mark it began to seem like trauma dumping
some disjointed thoughts:
repetitive linguistics
interviews interesting in the beginning but became redundant and interspersed so that they are extremely hard to follow
reads almost like an academic article with how much citing of other sources there is
one queer story and many hetero ones :/
i understand the purpose of the interviews but by the 50% mark it began to seem like trauma dumping
May 31, 2022
Ahh, nothing like a book screaming at you that you need to get back to therapy.
This was absolutely brilliant and beautiful.
This was absolutely brilliant and beautiful.
August 16, 2023
One of those books that every woman and non-binary person should read (men too ideally). Deeply sad, thought-provoking, and anger-inducing, but so important for understanding the pain, trauma and shame women and non-binary people deal with throughout their lives and the structural oppression that perpetuates it.
March 28, 2022
I went into this book with very low expectations. The first few chapters, however, took me by a surprise. Soon after though, a lot of the sentences became repetitive. The author’s incessant need to identify with her interviewees became a bit exhausting. It irks me when people (especially those who are people of colour) express their lived experience and the white “protagonist” swoops in and says “oh I know how you feel”. It minimises experiences of poc. The last few chapters frankly felt like an ordeal to read because by then, I had already read the same sentence rephrased in a hundred different ways.
December 2, 2023
4.25 stars!
Wow!! I don't even know where to start with this book. A complete collection of stories of so many women and people surviving the instilled shame of society, this book was greatly impactful and memorable. It discussed women's relationships with their bodies, sexual abuse, eating disorders, chronic pain, relationships, and the expectations placed on women by society. This book covered pain and sadness and so much emotional depth, that it was truly jarring at times. The writing held a sense of honest brutality behind each and every story; kind of shocking, but necessary because all of these cruel stories deserve to sound as unflinching and heartbreaking as they were.
Not only did Lucia Obsorne-Crowley interview a very inclusive group of people, she tied together her own stories of survival beautifully. The way she incorporated other books, articles, and passages was so seamless and fascinating; I found myself remembering a lot of the quotes she used from when I read those books, and that just connected me even more to the book.
At the end of the day, this book is about the pain that follows women around like shadows -- the pain ingrained into society that we are constantly expected to ignore. I found certain points in the book to be physically difficult to read, as if the weight of these women's traumatic stories grew heavy on my own soul. You could say that a lot of the chapters were repetitive -- that these women's stories blurred together into one ball of pain. However, is that not the point? Are we, as readers, not supposed to learn how each women has a story she is still too afraid to share? A difficult relationship with her body that often results in invisible struggles? I cannot critique this book for being repetitive when that would mean critiquing the amount of women who are forced to survive such horrors.
Regardless of the powerful message, I ended up giving this book 4.25 starts instead of 5. I found some of the author's choices to intertwine her stories with the people she interviewed to be confusing at times; I got lost in characters' names and whose story they belonged to. Additionally, in my opinion, I did not end this book with a hopeful message that it all gets better. Yes, it was inspiring reading about how all of these women changed their lives around and survived. Yes, they fought and healed and lived. But, no, the main message I got from this book was that trauma sticks around for the rest of your life -- in visible and invisible ways that you can never quite get rid of.
It's depressing realizing that as much as you try to heal and get better, trauma continuously plagues your life in some way or another, like a stain on your soul you cannot quite wash out.
Anyways, sorry for the super long review! I recommend this book but please be careful reading it. <3
Favorite Quotes (yes, they are super long):
"Sometimes what hurts us the most is the aftermath, the everyday challenge of living in a body that has been damaged and disrespected and shamed in some way.
Sometimes it is an illness that takes you years to manifest. Sometimes it is breast cancer, decades after the rape. Sometimes it is PTSD, after too many suicide attempts, unacknowledged until the attempts are fully realized.
Sometimes it is an eating disorder from which we never quite recover. Sometimes it is anxiety that keeps us awake at night, and the physical breakdowns that come with the lack of sleep. Sometimes it is alcohol dependence, which leads us to stumble into the road or wake up covered in vomit or that leads us to not wake up at all. Sometimes it is opioids. Sometimes it is depression. Sometimes it is chronic loneliness, enforced by our inability to be seen.
Sometimes it is the life we lost to a pregnancy we didn't feel able to terminate. Sometimes it is the life we lost to the child we wished we could have kept. Sometimes it is the life we lost to the chronic pain that no one paid attention to.
Sometimes it is a death by a thousand paper cuts."
"The truth is that I am a desperate, hopeless romantic. I want to be giddy and smitten and besotted and understood and cared for, no matter how hard it is to get there. If I give up on that kind of love, if I keep lying, then I will let my attacker take something from me that is more important than my creativity, or my safety, or even my body. I cannot let him take the part of me that believes in love."
"Trauma does not have to be life-threatening or even panic-inducing to live on in the body. It can be all the small traumas, pulled together in a constellation over a life, that can show up on the flesh."
Wow!! I don't even know where to start with this book. A complete collection of stories of so many women and people surviving the instilled shame of society, this book was greatly impactful and memorable. It discussed women's relationships with their bodies, sexual abuse, eating disorders, chronic pain, relationships, and the expectations placed on women by society. This book covered pain and sadness and so much emotional depth, that it was truly jarring at times. The writing held a sense of honest brutality behind each and every story; kind of shocking, but necessary because all of these cruel stories deserve to sound as unflinching and heartbreaking as they were.
Not only did Lucia Obsorne-Crowley interview a very inclusive group of people, she tied together her own stories of survival beautifully. The way she incorporated other books, articles, and passages was so seamless and fascinating; I found myself remembering a lot of the quotes she used from when I read those books, and that just connected me even more to the book.
At the end of the day, this book is about the pain that follows women around like shadows -- the pain ingrained into society that we are constantly expected to ignore. I found certain points in the book to be physically difficult to read, as if the weight of these women's traumatic stories grew heavy on my own soul. You could say that a lot of the chapters were repetitive -- that these women's stories blurred together into one ball of pain. However, is that not the point? Are we, as readers, not supposed to learn how each women has a story she is still too afraid to share? A difficult relationship with her body that often results in invisible struggles? I cannot critique this book for being repetitive when that would mean critiquing the amount of women who are forced to survive such horrors.
Regardless of the powerful message, I ended up giving this book 4.25 starts instead of 5. I found some of the author's choices to intertwine her stories with the people she interviewed to be confusing at times; I got lost in characters' names and whose story they belonged to. Additionally, in my opinion, I did not end this book with a hopeful message that it all gets better. Yes, it was inspiring reading about how all of these women changed their lives around and survived. Yes, they fought and healed and lived. But, no, the main message I got from this book was that trauma sticks around for the rest of your life -- in visible and invisible ways that you can never quite get rid of.
It's depressing realizing that as much as you try to heal and get better, trauma continuously plagues your life in some way or another, like a stain on your soul you cannot quite wash out.
Anyways, sorry for the super long review! I recommend this book but please be careful reading it. <3
Favorite Quotes (yes, they are super long):
"Sometimes what hurts us the most is the aftermath, the everyday challenge of living in a body that has been damaged and disrespected and shamed in some way.
Sometimes it is an illness that takes you years to manifest. Sometimes it is breast cancer, decades after the rape. Sometimes it is PTSD, after too many suicide attempts, unacknowledged until the attempts are fully realized.
Sometimes it is an eating disorder from which we never quite recover. Sometimes it is anxiety that keeps us awake at night, and the physical breakdowns that come with the lack of sleep. Sometimes it is alcohol dependence, which leads us to stumble into the road or wake up covered in vomit or that leads us to not wake up at all. Sometimes it is opioids. Sometimes it is depression. Sometimes it is chronic loneliness, enforced by our inability to be seen.
Sometimes it is the life we lost to a pregnancy we didn't feel able to terminate. Sometimes it is the life we lost to the child we wished we could have kept. Sometimes it is the life we lost to the chronic pain that no one paid attention to.
Sometimes it is a death by a thousand paper cuts."
"The truth is that I am a desperate, hopeless romantic. I want to be giddy and smitten and besotted and understood and cared for, no matter how hard it is to get there. If I give up on that kind of love, if I keep lying, then I will let my attacker take something from me that is more important than my creativity, or my safety, or even my body. I cannot let him take the part of me that believes in love."
"Trauma does not have to be life-threatening or even panic-inducing to live on in the body. It can be all the small traumas, pulled together in a constellation over a life, that can show up on the flesh."
August 14, 2024
There’s a thing with books I buy from this one independent book shop, where they keep promising something, or I keep expecting something that I never get from them.
In this case, I was hoping - again - for a properly researched piece about shame (the background of the emotion and ways to work through it etc). Instead, this book offers various accounts of victims that have suffered abuse, mostly physical or sexual. While I do think these accounts were extremely valuable and surely tough to engage with for the author, I was constantly confused by the way they were presented.
She mentioned in the beginning, that many of the stories will leave out details that the victims either did not want to disclose, or were not relevant to the story. But then the chapters are continuously interrupted by her own trauma and ways she tried to deal with it. The chapters read something like: victim’s intro, author’s story, victim’s story, author’s story, victim’s story… and sometimes these reach over several chapters and mix various characters. And while I hope that the author could connect each name to a certain story, it was a lot harder as a reader to remember who Alex was from 30 pages ago after you’ve been introduced to several more in the meantime.
For me, the book started off so well, with her mentioning many I’ve read as well, of authors who have recently become very popular (Van der Kolk, Maté etc), however the rest of the book reads a lot like a journalistic piece that was extended over 300 pages. But, I then expect it to be properly researched, while instead I came across paragraphs like this:
“Instagram also has a purpose-built reward mechanism: the likes, or even just the promise of them, keeps us coming back for more.
I would be willing to bet that likes popping up in push notifications release dopamine in the brain and serve a similar function to the addiction-reward cycle. It certainly does for me.”
All I could write next to it, with my highlighter, was “???! YEAH?!”. I didn’t think that that could still be news.
Nonetheless, I thought the victims’ accounts are a must read for someone like me, who‘s so often blinded by her own privilege, or to quote the book, and Hannah Gadsby:
“I don't hate men, she says.
I don't hate men, but I am afraid of men.
And if you think a woman can stand in a room full of men without feeling moments of fear, Gadsby says, you aren't listening to the women in your life.”.
In this case, I was hoping - again - for a properly researched piece about shame (the background of the emotion and ways to work through it etc). Instead, this book offers various accounts of victims that have suffered abuse, mostly physical or sexual. While I do think these accounts were extremely valuable and surely tough to engage with for the author, I was constantly confused by the way they were presented.
She mentioned in the beginning, that many of the stories will leave out details that the victims either did not want to disclose, or were not relevant to the story. But then the chapters are continuously interrupted by her own trauma and ways she tried to deal with it. The chapters read something like: victim’s intro, author’s story, victim’s story, author’s story, victim’s story… and sometimes these reach over several chapters and mix various characters. And while I hope that the author could connect each name to a certain story, it was a lot harder as a reader to remember who Alex was from 30 pages ago after you’ve been introduced to several more in the meantime.
For me, the book started off so well, with her mentioning many I’ve read as well, of authors who have recently become very popular (Van der Kolk, Maté etc), however the rest of the book reads a lot like a journalistic piece that was extended over 300 pages. But, I then expect it to be properly researched, while instead I came across paragraphs like this:
“Instagram also has a purpose-built reward mechanism: the likes, or even just the promise of them, keeps us coming back for more.
I would be willing to bet that likes popping up in push notifications release dopamine in the brain and serve a similar function to the addiction-reward cycle. It certainly does for me.”
All I could write next to it, with my highlighter, was “???! YEAH?!”. I didn’t think that that could still be news.
Nonetheless, I thought the victims’ accounts are a must read for someone like me, who‘s so often blinded by her own privilege, or to quote the book, and Hannah Gadsby:
“I don't hate men, she says.
I don't hate men, but I am afraid of men.
And if you think a woman can stand in a room full of men without feeling moments of fear, Gadsby says, you aren't listening to the women in your life.”.
February 20, 2023
3.5 *
In My Body Keeps Your Secrets, Trauma and SA survivor Lucia Osborne Crowley attempts to examine and connect trauma to chronic illness, using a mix of personal stories from the author, she shares how trauma has governed most of her adult life and relationships, along with stories of other survivors she interviews specifically for this book, all women and non-binary people (specifically here, I think people AFAB). Things that stuck out to me were the many ways in which people who have experienced some of the traumas here behave in similar manners, i.e. holding certain beliefs about bodies, or how trauma governs habits moving forward long after, and the ways abuse lives in the way people enjoy sex. Shame is a big part of this, and I liked that it tried to link this to the systemic. Its attempt to be inclusive is admirable (we have stories from people of colour, a disabled person, and intent to be gender inclusive), but I didn't always find it done well. I think an emphasis on terminology rather than using people produces the opposite effect. The section on Black women, I thought meh - it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but maybe I'm not the audience for that aspect. Still, I appreciated the range of stories from the interviewees and I found their stories affecting. I liked that it also included the frustrations of seeking justice through legal systems. Its geography is also as wide as it can be - understanding the access and proximity reqd in collecting these kinds of stories. Many of the interviewees connected with the author through the internet, and we have people's stories from the UK, Europe, Australia, and NZ (i think).
In many cases, the author relates stories of others/interviewees back to herself, and I found that self-centred in a specific way I don't wish to belabour. I was also uncomfortable that it indicates, perhaps unknowingly, that people chose to explore where their sexuality lies on the spectrum only after an assault. I liked that it explored a range of conditions and chronic illnesses that may be linked to trauma or that people experience, such as chronic pain, Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, vaginismus etc .The discussion surrounding endometriosis was also necessary, re the high numbers of people it affects, and marginalised people even more so, and how under-researched an area it is. it was repetitive at times. Overall, I appreciated that I read this, especially for thinking about how trauma can be linked to chronic illness and long-term disability, but I didn't find it as groundbreaking as some others may.
In My Body Keeps Your Secrets, Trauma and SA survivor Lucia Osborne Crowley attempts to examine and connect trauma to chronic illness, using a mix of personal stories from the author, she shares how trauma has governed most of her adult life and relationships, along with stories of other survivors she interviews specifically for this book, all women and non-binary people (specifically here, I think people AFAB). Things that stuck out to me were the many ways in which people who have experienced some of the traumas here behave in similar manners, i.e. holding certain beliefs about bodies, or how trauma governs habits moving forward long after, and the ways abuse lives in the way people enjoy sex. Shame is a big part of this, and I liked that it tried to link this to the systemic. Its attempt to be inclusive is admirable (we have stories from people of colour, a disabled person, and intent to be gender inclusive), but I didn't always find it done well. I think an emphasis on terminology rather than using people produces the opposite effect. The section on Black women, I thought meh - it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but maybe I'm not the audience for that aspect. Still, I appreciated the range of stories from the interviewees and I found their stories affecting. I liked that it also included the frustrations of seeking justice through legal systems. Its geography is also as wide as it can be - understanding the access and proximity reqd in collecting these kinds of stories. Many of the interviewees connected with the author through the internet, and we have people's stories from the UK, Europe, Australia, and NZ (i think).
In many cases, the author relates stories of others/interviewees back to herself, and I found that self-centred in a specific way I don't wish to belabour. I was also uncomfortable that it indicates, perhaps unknowingly, that people chose to explore where their sexuality lies on the spectrum only after an assault. I liked that it explored a range of conditions and chronic illnesses that may be linked to trauma or that people experience, such as chronic pain, Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, vaginismus etc .The discussion surrounding endometriosis was also necessary, re the high numbers of people it affects, and marginalised people even more so, and how under-researched an area it is. it was repetitive at times. Overall, I appreciated that I read this, especially for thinking about how trauma can be linked to chronic illness and long-term disability, but I didn't find it as groundbreaking as some others may.
January 12, 2023
[my body keeps your secrets | review]
•
“I'm still recovering, she says. I will always be recovering. So many of us are recovering from something. So I hate it when I see those Instagram posts that say 'you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. That's not true, she says. That puts too much pressure on us to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is constant, everyday work. It is never finished. I am still learning to love myself, and it is grueling. I'm not good at it yet. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of love. I have so much love to give.”
•
🌟4/5🌟 This is one of those books where your heart is heavy as you find yourself nodding with every page. I applaud the author in their extensive efforts to include as many stories from women and non-binary people as possible without editing out any of what they chose to share - choosing to share her book as a platform for not only her own story but validating all who had similar experiences. The author’s story especially stuck out to me - especially with trying to date and find love afterwards. Her honesty brought me comfort in some of my own decisions and struggles - making me feel a lot less alone/broken. With that being said, this book could have used some editing - there were phrases that the author used in between each story and sometimes multiple times within the same page - I could see this possibly being intentional for the sake of “driving the point home” but it did not have that effect on me.
•
“I'm still recovering, she says. I will always be recovering. So many of us are recovering from something. So I hate it when I see those Instagram posts that say 'you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. That's not true, she says. That puts too much pressure on us to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is constant, everyday work. It is never finished. I am still learning to love myself, and it is grueling. I'm not good at it yet. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of love. I have so much love to give.”
•
🌟4/5🌟 This is one of those books where your heart is heavy as you find yourself nodding with every page. I applaud the author in their extensive efforts to include as many stories from women and non-binary people as possible without editing out any of what they chose to share - choosing to share her book as a platform for not only her own story but validating all who had similar experiences. The author’s story especially stuck out to me - especially with trying to date and find love afterwards. Her honesty brought me comfort in some of my own decisions and struggles - making me feel a lot less alone/broken. With that being said, this book could have used some editing - there were phrases that the author used in between each story and sometimes multiple times within the same page - I could see this possibly being intentional for the sake of “driving the point home” but it did not have that effect on me.
April 16, 2025
Osborne-Crowley weaves her own story alongside the voices of others with wonderful skill, offering a textured exploration of sexual trauma, chronic illness, and embodiment. At times the narration edges into repetition and risks veering towards trauma porn, however, this is perhaps evidence of my own discomfort and over-familiarity with the subject.
I found myself wishing for more space for ambiguity/unanswered questions/moments where meaning could remain unresolved. Occasionally I felt I was being told how to feel rather than being invited to feel it myself.
I wish this book could reach those working in medicine, and/or those without sexual trauma or chronic illness.
A good book to read alongside “When the Body Says No” by Dr. Gabor Maté or “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk.
3.5 stars!
I found myself wishing for more space for ambiguity/unanswered questions/moments where meaning could remain unresolved. Occasionally I felt I was being told how to feel rather than being invited to feel it myself.
I wish this book could reach those working in medicine, and/or those without sexual trauma or chronic illness.
A good book to read alongside “When the Body Says No” by Dr. Gabor Maté or “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk.
3.5 stars!
January 28, 2024
The BEST book I've read so far this year. An absolute gut punch that felt like therapy in a book. The amount of times I was nodding my head in agreement or pausing to take in what the author had just said was more than any I've experienced with a book for a long time.
I'm not one to underline quotes a lot but there were so many instances with this one. It was articulate, emotional and insightful. Check the trigger warnings before you read it as there are moments when you feel uncomfortable but if you can manage it, it's truly a stunning book.
"Here's what else I know. I have never felt more comfortable than on dates with women. Whether they are first dates, fourth dates or date nights at home after months of being in a relationship. I do not feel gas lit or ashamed or unwhole. I feel seen and understood. I feel so lucky to be bisexual. To be able to access this safe space. I will never take it for granted"
I'm not one to underline quotes a lot but there were so many instances with this one. It was articulate, emotional and insightful. Check the trigger warnings before you read it as there are moments when you feel uncomfortable but if you can manage it, it's truly a stunning book.
"Here's what else I know. I have never felt more comfortable than on dates with women. Whether they are first dates, fourth dates or date nights at home after months of being in a relationship. I do not feel gas lit or ashamed or unwhole. I feel seen and understood. I feel so lucky to be bisexual. To be able to access this safe space. I will never take it for granted"
January 27, 2022
"They had people in their lives that they looked up to, who they thought were beautiful and assured and real, but they couldn’t see that they themselves had qualities worthy of that admiration too; they could only see their own qualities in a positive light when they saw them reflected in someone else".
October 23, 2021
Fantastic. This book delves into the impacts and intersection of sexual assault, shame, chronic illness, relationships, and gender roles. It was very well written, with excellent use of anecdotes from interviews and quotes from other writers.
November 29, 2022
“…but it is not even a slight exaggeration to say that the very first words I learned to describe my body were the ones formed in the mouths of boys who were criticizing it.”
“Most of all, we just want someone to tell us it was real, that it mattered, that this event lived a life inside our bodies.”
“Most of all, we just want someone to tell us it was real, that it mattered, that this event lived a life inside our bodies.”
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