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Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship
In Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, marital psychologists John and Julie Gottman provide vital tools—scientifically based and empirically verified—that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication.
In 1994, Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington made a startling Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis, they could predict—with more than 90 percent accuracy—whether a marriage would succeed or fail. The only thing they did not yet know was how to turn a failing marriage into a successful one, so Gottman teamed up with his clinical psychologist wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to develop intervention methods. Now the Gottmans, together with the Love Lab research facility, have put these ideas into practice.
What emerged from the Gottmans’ collaboration and decades of research is a body of advice that’s based on two surprisingly simple Happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. The authors offer an intimate look at ten couples who have learned to work through potentially destructive problems—extramarital affairs, workaholism, parenthood adjustments, serious illnesses, lack of intimacy—and examine what they’ve done to improve communication and get their marriages back on track.
Hundreds of thousands have seen their relationships improve thanks to the Gottmans’ work. Whether you want to make a strong relationship more fulfilling or rescue one that’s headed for disaster, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage is essential reading.
In 1994, Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington made a startling Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis, they could predict—with more than 90 percent accuracy—whether a marriage would succeed or fail. The only thing they did not yet know was how to turn a failing marriage into a successful one, so Gottman teamed up with his clinical psychologist wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to develop intervention methods. Now the Gottmans, together with the Love Lab research facility, have put these ideas into practice.
What emerged from the Gottmans’ collaboration and decades of research is a body of advice that’s based on two surprisingly simple Happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. The authors offer an intimate look at ten couples who have learned to work through potentially destructive problems—extramarital affairs, workaholism, parenthood adjustments, serious illnesses, lack of intimacy—and examine what they’ve done to improve communication and get their marriages back on track.
Hundreds of thousands have seen their relationships improve thanks to the Gottmans’ work. Whether you want to make a strong relationship more fulfilling or rescue one that’s headed for disaster, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage is essential reading.
275 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
373 people are currently reading
2654 people want to read
About the author
John M. Gottman
95 books2,097 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 124 reviews
October 19, 2014
My book club selected this title, and as an unmarried person, I think this book is worthwhile to read *before* your relationship starts having problems. You don't need to be married to benefit from the advice in this book. I like how the authors transcribe real arguments and conversations, and point out the positives and negatives for each thing said. To make up an example,
Bonnie: I feel like with all this bankrobbing, we haven't had much time to-- (+Begins to share feelings)
Clyde: Well, how are we supposed to finance our lifestyle if we don't keep doing what we're doing? (-Interrupts; -Doesn't acknowledge feelings; -Defensive
You get the gist. If you and your partner are bored with each other, fighting, not having sex, making kids the center of your world and the reason why you don't have date night, read the book. If your relationship is healthy and you want to keep it that way, check out the book. If you like Malcolm Gladwell and remember the bit about thin-slicing in Blink, read this book; John Gottman is the father of the thin-slicing technique used to predict divorce rates.
Finally, I appreciate that the book is not entirely heterosexist; though the couples featured in the book are male-female couples, the text itself uses gender-neutral terms like partner and spouse. References to husbands and wives don't exclude the possibility of husbands wed to each other. In future volumes, I'd like to see some other gender combos featured in the examples.
Bonnie: I feel like with all this bankrobbing, we haven't had much time to-- (+Begins to share feelings)
Clyde: Well, how are we supposed to finance our lifestyle if we don't keep doing what we're doing? (-Interrupts; -Doesn't acknowledge feelings; -Defensive
You get the gist. If you and your partner are bored with each other, fighting, not having sex, making kids the center of your world and the reason why you don't have date night, read the book. If your relationship is healthy and you want to keep it that way, check out the book. If you like Malcolm Gladwell and remember the bit about thin-slicing in Blink, read this book; John Gottman is the father of the thin-slicing technique used to predict divorce rates.
Finally, I appreciate that the book is not entirely heterosexist; though the couples featured in the book are male-female couples, the text itself uses gender-neutral terms like partner and spouse. References to husbands and wives don't exclude the possibility of husbands wed to each other. In future volumes, I'd like to see some other gender combos featured in the examples.
January 17, 2016
Another great one by Gottman. I love his books. I've just decided that I need to be constantly reading one of his book to keep the good flowing into my brain and remind me to keep trying to "be nice". I am a naturally critical person and am always trying to fix him. I have to be reminded to "stop it".
So, when I'm reading one of his books, things tend to go better.
This had some repeats of 7 Principles - but they were good refreshers for me. Lots of real life examples to refer to.
Ideas I liked from this book:
Turning toward your partner's bids for connection pg. 236-237
A blueprint for handling conflict pg. 241
Spontaneity overrated - plan time for each other pg. 240
Practice a softened start up (this really helped me)
7 weeks of relationship enhancing thoughts.
So, when I'm reading one of his books, things tend to go better.
This had some repeats of 7 Principles - but they were good refreshers for me. Lots of real life examples to refer to.
Ideas I liked from this book:
Turning toward your partner's bids for connection pg. 236-237
A blueprint for handling conflict pg. 241
Spontaneity overrated - plan time for each other pg. 240
Practice a softened start up (this really helped me)
7 weeks of relationship enhancing thoughts.
February 8, 2018
This book had a lot of great relationship advice, married or just dating. Even the sections that felt like they weren't applicable had bits that were still helpful and I learned from them.
I didn't finish the entire book, but I read the first 100+ pages and skimmed through the second half.
If every married person spent a little time reading a marriage/relationship book once in awhile, their marriages would be much better, much more enriching. People might just be a bit happier, and they might stay married.
Communicate kindly and honestly. Forgive. Have charity.
I didn't finish the entire book, but I read the first 100+ pages and skimmed through the second half.
If every married person spent a little time reading a marriage/relationship book once in awhile, their marriages would be much better, much more enriching. People might just be a bit happier, and they might stay married.
Communicate kindly and honestly. Forgive. Have charity.
May 4, 2011
10 case studies point out different ways of interacting that hinder your relationship. The chapters are titled by the problems facing the couples, but I think the interactions are more important and more universal.
1. Healthy complaining vs. Harmful criticism. (Ex. You said you'd take out the trash but you didn't. vs. You never do anything around here!) Share responsibility, describe it as your perception, be specific and focus on one thing at a time, stick to the present, focus on actions and how you feel as a result, talk about your needs and desires.
Listen for the longing behind complaints.
2. Don't sidestep emotional issues. Express your feelings. Make sure your closest relationship is with your partner to affair-proof the relationship.
3. Talk deeply about your feelings and connect emotionally before trying to solve problems. Also, take care of yourself.
4. Say what you want instead of what you don't want, listen, turn toward instead of away or against. Ask open-ended questions and express appreciation.
5. Address the dreams beneath the conflict. Take small actions or at least acknowledge them, even if you can't take action right away.
6. Basically, 3 again.
7. Avoid harsh starts to discussions--start with how you feel or what you need, not an attack. Be open to your partner's influence.
8. Don't be afraid of anger. Express it, just don't fight unfairly/attack. Use the energy behind it to take action to make your life better.
9. 3 again, don't put the kids before the marriage.
10. Don't avoid conflict. Express your feelings, wants, needs, dreams, and listen to other's.
1. Healthy complaining vs. Harmful criticism. (Ex. You said you'd take out the trash but you didn't. vs. You never do anything around here!) Share responsibility, describe it as your perception, be specific and focus on one thing at a time, stick to the present, focus on actions and how you feel as a result, talk about your needs and desires.
Listen for the longing behind complaints.
2. Don't sidestep emotional issues. Express your feelings. Make sure your closest relationship is with your partner to affair-proof the relationship.
3. Talk deeply about your feelings and connect emotionally before trying to solve problems. Also, take care of yourself.
4. Say what you want instead of what you don't want, listen, turn toward instead of away or against. Ask open-ended questions and express appreciation.
5. Address the dreams beneath the conflict. Take small actions or at least acknowledge them, even if you can't take action right away.
6. Basically, 3 again.
7. Avoid harsh starts to discussions--start with how you feel or what you need, not an attack. Be open to your partner's influence.
8. Don't be afraid of anger. Express it, just don't fight unfairly/attack. Use the energy behind it to take action to make your life better.
9. 3 again, don't put the kids before the marriage.
10. Don't avoid conflict. Express your feelings, wants, needs, dreams, and listen to other's.
December 7, 2015
لن أتردد في أن أنصح بهذا الكتاب التخصصي والذي تم إعداد من قبل متخصصين في العلاقات الأسرية لما فيه من مخزون معرفي رصين ومعتبر وقائم على أسس علمية وسريرية .. وهو يستعرض في دروسه العشر عشر من أبرز المشاكل التي تعصف بالحياة الزوجية
الكتاب يستعرض بشكل عملي وملموس طريقة حل المشاكل بين الزوجين مرتكزاً في ذلك على تغيير طريقة الحوار بين الزوجين بجانب استخدام بعض الأدوات والتقنيات الأخرى والتي للأمانة لن تجدها إلا في هذا الكتاب دون الكتب الأخرى
طريقة عرض المشاكل جداً رائعة، وذلك من خلال استعراض حالات حقيقية Case study بطريقة ممنهجة تبدأ من كيف كانت بداية العلاقة وكيف هي العلاقة الآن وما هي لغة الحوار الحالية وما هي النصائح المقترحة وكيف أصبحت لغة الحوار الجديدة بعد تنفيذ النصائح والمقترحات ليتم بعهدها استعراض حال الزوجين بعد سنة من المعالجة (وهذا أمر استثنائي) لينتهي كل ذلك باستعراض الأدوات والتمارين التي تناسب هذه الحالة لتكون بين يدك وحاهزة لكي يستخدمه القارئ
الكتاب دمج بين عرض المفهوم (الكبوات الأربع في الحوار) والتي يقابلها (السلوكيات الإيجابية) وبين الأمثلة العشرة الواقعية التي تم من خلالها تطبيق المفهوم وبين التمارين العملية التي تجعل الكتاب ممارسة حية تلامس واقع القارئ بدل تقديم نصائح عامة
الكتاب غني بما يمكن الإقتباس منه وغني بالمعلومات التي سوف تنسف وبلا شك شيئاً مما في مخيلتك واعتقادك عن الحياة الزوجية وهو يحتوي أيضاً على ما سوف يجعلك تعيد النظر في نظرتك لحياتك الزوجية وكيف عشتها وكيف سعيشها
شخصياً .. عزز لدي الكتاب أهمية التركيز على التواصل الحسي والعاطفي من خلال الحوار قبل أن يتم التواصل العقلي لبحث المشاكل وحلولها (قاعدة: فهم .. تفهم .. تفاهم)
لم تعد جرير تضع الكتاب ضمن كتبها التي تعرضها في كتالوجها (كنت قد اشتريت الكتاب منذ مدة طويلة) إلا إني أتوقع إنه لا زال متوفراً لديها
الكتاب يستعرض بشكل عملي وملموس طريقة حل المشاكل بين الزوجين مرتكزاً في ذلك على تغيير طريقة الحوار بين الزوجين بجانب استخدام بعض الأدوات والتقنيات الأخرى والتي للأمانة لن تجدها إلا في هذا الكتاب دون الكتب الأخرى
طريقة عرض المشاكل جداً رائعة، وذلك من خلال استعراض حالات حقيقية Case study بطريقة ممنهجة تبدأ من كيف كانت بداية العلاقة وكيف هي العلاقة الآن وما هي لغة الحوار الحالية وما هي النصائح المقترحة وكيف أصبحت لغة الحوار الجديدة بعد تنفيذ النصائح والمقترحات ليتم بعهدها استعراض حال الزوجين بعد سنة من المعالجة (وهذا أمر استثنائي) لينتهي كل ذلك باستعراض الأدوات والتمارين التي تناسب هذه الحالة لتكون بين يدك وحاهزة لكي يستخدمه القارئ
الكتاب دمج بين عرض المفهوم (الكبوات الأربع في الحوار) والتي يقابلها (السلوكيات الإيجابية) وبين الأمثلة العشرة الواقعية التي تم من خلالها تطبيق المفهوم وبين التمارين العملية التي تجعل الكتاب ممارسة حية تلامس واقع القارئ بدل تقديم نصائح عامة
الكتاب غني بما يمكن الإقتباس منه وغني بالمعلومات التي سوف تنسف وبلا شك شيئاً مما في مخيلتك واعتقادك عن الحياة الزوجية وهو يحتوي أيضاً على ما سوف يجعلك تعيد النظر في نظرتك لحياتك الزوجية وكيف عشتها وكيف سعيشها
شخصياً .. عزز لدي الكتاب أهمية التركيز على التواصل الحسي والعاطفي من خلال الحوار قبل أن يتم التواصل العقلي لبحث المشاكل وحلولها (قاعدة: فهم .. تفهم .. تفاهم)
لم تعد جرير تضع الكتاب ضمن كتبها التي تعرضها في كتالوجها (كنت قد اشتريت الكتاب منذ مدة طويلة) إلا إني أتوقع إنه لا زال متوفراً لديها
August 11, 2010
Note: My marriage is not in any kind of trouble. :) It's just so easy to order book after book on the Kindle and when I finished Committed, I was on a reading-about-marriage kick and was interested in some of the ideas by John Gottman she referenced, so with just a few clicks, this book was downloaded. I was very engaged in the first three-quarters of the book... finding insight and validation in many of the case studies. By the fourth quarter, I had a good understanding of their basic principles and it was all sounding the same to me. Nonetheless, a good read for anyone in a relationship... essential practices we can always get better at.
December 25, 2010
from the library computer:
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
* From predicting divorce to preventing it: An introductory message from John and Julie Gottman
CHAPTER 1-"All you ever do is work!"
* Our analysis: A cycle of criticize/defend/counter-criticize
* Our advice
* One year later
* Healthy complaining vs. harmful complaining
* The "oversensitive" partner
* When one partner works too much
* Quiz: Is there too much criticism in your relationship?
* Exercise: Listen for the longing behind your partner's complaints
* Exercise: What's your mission? What's your legacy?
CHAPTER 2-"Will we ever get over your affair?"
* Our analysis: Sidestepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy
* Our advice
* One year later
* The hazards of avoiding conflict
* The affair-prone Marriage
* Quiz: Do you avoid conflicts or do you talk about them?
* Exercise: Calm down to avoid flooding
* Exercise: Identifying your feelings
*
* Exercise: The marital poop detector
CHAPTER 3-"After all the crises in our lives, we don't feel close anymore"
* Our analysis: Stress creates emotional distance and hinders romance
* Our advice
* One year later
* How a little selfishness can help your marriage
* Quiz: How much stress have you had lately?
* Exercise: Steps to a healthier lifestyle
* Exercise: Keep your love map up-to-date
CHAPTER 4-"You never talk to me"
* Our analysis: Attacks and counter-attacks make the marriage unsafe for conversation
* Our advice
* One year later
* The antidotes to contempt: Fondness and admiration
* Quiz: Is there more room for fondness and admiration in your marriage?
* Exercise: Three things I like about you
* Exercise: Nurturing fondness in your relationship: A seven-week plan
CHAPTER 5-"You don't care about my dreams"
* Our analysis: Ignoring dreams beneath the conflict stalls communication
* Our advice
* One year later
* Your hidden dreams and aspirations: The "prairie dogs" of marital conflict
* Quiz: What are the dreams within your conflicts?
* Exercise: Responding to dreams within your conflict
CHAPTER 6 -"You're so distant and irritable all the time"
* Our analysis: Avoiding emotional intensity postpones healing
* Our advice
* One year later
* Helping your partner through depression
* Quiz: Are you depressed?
* Quiz: Are you anxious?
* Exercise: Establish a ritual for stress-reducing conversation
CHAPTER 7-"I shouldn't have to nag!"
* Our analysis: Harsh words and defensiveness trump good intentions
* Our advice
* One year later
* Quiz: Harsh start-up: A problem in your marriage?
* Exercise: Turning harsh start-up to softened start-up
* Quiz: Are you open to your partner's influence?
* Exercise: Using the Aikido principle to accept influence
CHAPTER 8-"There's no passion, there's no fun"
* Our analysis: Failure to express anger leads to emotional distance
* Our advice
* One year later
* How anger can enhance a marriage
* A special message for husbands: "Embrace her anger"
* Quiz: How do you feel about anger?
* Exercise: When you and partner have different ideas about anger
* Exercise: Responding to anger in a helpful way
CHAPTER 9-"We only have time for the kids now"
* Our analysis: Focus on the kids disguises the real trouble-failure at expressing needs
* Our advice
* Two months later
* What's wrong with a child-centered marriage?
* Quiz: Is your marriage child-centered?
* Exercise: Give me a clue
* Exercise: Turning toward your partner's bids for connection
* Busting the myth of spontaneity in romance
* Exercise: A blueprint for conflict mediation
CHAPTER 10-"You're not satisfied unless there's some drama"
* Our analysis: Perpetual issues lead to conflict avoidance, lack of connection
* Our advice
* Two years later
* Don't get gridlocked over perpetual issues
* Quiz: What are your perpetual issues and what are your gridlocked problems?
* Exercise: Creating a culture of shared values and meaning
* Exercise: Thanksgiving checklist
Husband-and-wife clinical psychologists John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) and Julie Schwartz Gottman observe spouses at their famed Seattle "Love Lab" to predict which might be divorce-bound and why. Each of the ten couples profiled here illustrates a principle that the authors believe can strengthen a marriage that is suffering from such factors as overwork, affairs, and preoccupation with children. Completing each chapter are quizzes and exercises that will help readers apply the principle to their own lives. The authors' advice, though basic, is thoroughly thought out. Of course, no single book can provide truly in-depth information on such a complicated topic, but couples can start to examine their own relationships with the Gottmans' guidance. (See also their appearance in Malcolm Gladwell's Blink .) Written in a conversational style, this book will certainly find a readership in public libraries.--Kay Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
[Page 94]. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
* From predicting divorce to preventing it: An introductory message from John and Julie Gottman
CHAPTER 1-"All you ever do is work!"
* Our analysis: A cycle of criticize/defend/counter-criticize
* Our advice
* One year later
* Healthy complaining vs. harmful complaining
* The "oversensitive" partner
* When one partner works too much
* Quiz: Is there too much criticism in your relationship?
* Exercise: Listen for the longing behind your partner's complaints
* Exercise: What's your mission? What's your legacy?
CHAPTER 2-"Will we ever get over your affair?"
* Our analysis: Sidestepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy
* Our advice
* One year later
* The hazards of avoiding conflict
* The affair-prone Marriage
* Quiz: Do you avoid conflicts or do you talk about them?
* Exercise: Calm down to avoid flooding
* Exercise: Identifying your feelings
*
* Exercise: The marital poop detector
CHAPTER 3-"After all the crises in our lives, we don't feel close anymore"
* Our analysis: Stress creates emotional distance and hinders romance
* Our advice
* One year later
* How a little selfishness can help your marriage
* Quiz: How much stress have you had lately?
* Exercise: Steps to a healthier lifestyle
* Exercise: Keep your love map up-to-date
CHAPTER 4-"You never talk to me"
* Our analysis: Attacks and counter-attacks make the marriage unsafe for conversation
* Our advice
* One year later
* The antidotes to contempt: Fondness and admiration
* Quiz: Is there more room for fondness and admiration in your marriage?
* Exercise: Three things I like about you
* Exercise: Nurturing fondness in your relationship: A seven-week plan
CHAPTER 5-"You don't care about my dreams"
* Our analysis: Ignoring dreams beneath the conflict stalls communication
* Our advice
* One year later
* Your hidden dreams and aspirations: The "prairie dogs" of marital conflict
* Quiz: What are the dreams within your conflicts?
* Exercise: Responding to dreams within your conflict
CHAPTER 6 -"You're so distant and irritable all the time"
* Our analysis: Avoiding emotional intensity postpones healing
* Our advice
* One year later
* Helping your partner through depression
* Quiz: Are you depressed?
* Quiz: Are you anxious?
* Exercise: Establish a ritual for stress-reducing conversation
CHAPTER 7-"I shouldn't have to nag!"
* Our analysis: Harsh words and defensiveness trump good intentions
* Our advice
* One year later
* Quiz: Harsh start-up: A problem in your marriage?
* Exercise: Turning harsh start-up to softened start-up
* Quiz: Are you open to your partner's influence?
* Exercise: Using the Aikido principle to accept influence
CHAPTER 8-"There's no passion, there's no fun"
* Our analysis: Failure to express anger leads to emotional distance
* Our advice
* One year later
* How anger can enhance a marriage
* A special message for husbands: "Embrace her anger"
* Quiz: How do you feel about anger?
* Exercise: When you and partner have different ideas about anger
* Exercise: Responding to anger in a helpful way
CHAPTER 9-"We only have time for the kids now"
* Our analysis: Focus on the kids disguises the real trouble-failure at expressing needs
* Our advice
* Two months later
* What's wrong with a child-centered marriage?
* Quiz: Is your marriage child-centered?
* Exercise: Give me a clue
* Exercise: Turning toward your partner's bids for connection
* Busting the myth of spontaneity in romance
* Exercise: A blueprint for conflict mediation
CHAPTER 10-"You're not satisfied unless there's some drama"
* Our analysis: Perpetual issues lead to conflict avoidance, lack of connection
* Our advice
* Two years later
* Don't get gridlocked over perpetual issues
* Quiz: What are your perpetual issues and what are your gridlocked problems?
* Exercise: Creating a culture of shared values and meaning
* Exercise: Thanksgiving checklist
Husband-and-wife clinical psychologists John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ) and Julie Schwartz Gottman observe spouses at their famed Seattle "Love Lab" to predict which might be divorce-bound and why. Each of the ten couples profiled here illustrates a principle that the authors believe can strengthen a marriage that is suffering from such factors as overwork, affairs, and preoccupation with children. Completing each chapter are quizzes and exercises that will help readers apply the principle to their own lives. The authors' advice, though basic, is thoroughly thought out. Of course, no single book can provide truly in-depth information on such a complicated topic, but couples can start to examine their own relationships with the Gottmans' guidance. (See also their appearance in Malcolm Gladwell's Blink .) Written in a conversational style, this book will certainly find a readership in public libraries.--Kay Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
[Page 94]. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.
February 4, 2011
When I first looked at the chapter titles, I thought, "This book doesn't apply to me." With chapters like "We don’t feel close anymore," "You never talk to me" and "You don’t care about my dreams," I was skeptical. I had heard so much hype about it, though, that I gave it a chance anyway - and I am so glad I did. It's easily the best marriage book I've read since Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapters are pertinent to many situations, not just the title problem. My favorite part? The activities to do (alone or with your spouse) that get at the heart of couple issues. One of the main threads I saw in the book was that couples should try to discuss feelings underlying problems as opposed to simply finding an immediate solution, and the activities seemed to facilitate that.
July 2, 2024
I really enjoyed the conversations shared and insights, along with some of the exercises offered. I could see myself or my husband in almost all ten of these lessons and I wrote down 7 or so takeaways for myself.
1. Complain healthily (avoid criticism)
2. Listen carefully (avoid defensive reactions)
3. Respond by clarifying stated needs or asking about need or complaint
4. Take a deep breath and agree
5. Anger is logical and legitimate (similar to intense interest)
I mentioned the bp monitoring to a coworker who recently married with a few kids around and a baby and she was interested, so I was able to pass the book on to another person who I think will enjoy it as well!
1. Complain healthily (avoid criticism)
2. Listen carefully (avoid defensive reactions)
3. Respond by clarifying stated needs or asking about need or complaint
4. Take a deep breath and agree
5. Anger is logical and legitimate (similar to intense interest)
I mentioned the bp monitoring to a coworker who recently married with a few kids around and a baby and she was interested, so I was able to pass the book on to another person who I think will enjoy it as well!
June 2, 2010
A good self-help book that I would recommend for any clients who are haviing marital difficulties. It is an easy read with several examples of couples who do it wrong and then learn how to do it better. After seeing Gottman in SLC I wanted to read one of his books and this was a good place to start. The book focuses more on the mechanics of marriage and relationships rather than underlying issues that could be contributing to the difficulties. Backed by years of research, the ideas presented are solid.
March 7, 2024
this is a fantastic read for *any* important relationship you have, romantic or not. each section, whether it directly applies to you or not (i.e. cheating, kids, finances, etc.,) has tips that can be used and are seriously helpful.
I love that we see real time actionable advice and the changes it brings about. I definitely recommend.
I audiobooked it but there's a lot I'd love to reference back to, so I'll be purchasing a physical copy.
as another user mentioned, the verbiage isn't strictly hetero, but all the couples are - hopefully in the future they'll include a bit more diversity.
I love that we see real time actionable advice and the changes it brings about. I definitely recommend.
I audiobooked it but there's a lot I'd love to reference back to, so I'll be purchasing a physical copy.
as another user mentioned, the verbiage isn't strictly hetero, but all the couples are - hopefully in the future they'll include a bit more diversity.
May 8, 2022
*resources inside for couples counselling I want to revisit
July 1, 2023
The first Gottman book I read was "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last". That book explained the four horsemen and the types of approaches that happy couples argue vs unhappy couples. I highly recommend that book.
This book "Ten lessons to transform your marriage" was the second Gottman book that I read. It talked about the four horsemen and some other things from the previous book. But each lesson/chapter was a specific couple, their struggles and how his recommendations helped them. This is a good book if you want to visually see what a dysfunctional relationship looks like and how and why his methods help their situation.
The third Gottman book I've read is "the seven principles for making marriage work". Like the other two, it discuss the four horsemen and other things. The first three principles are how to strengthen your friendship. Gottman says to save your marriage or divorce proof your marriage a big key is your friendship and your relationship when you aren't arguing. A couple without the four horsemen may be pass the horsemen and to the point where they live parallel lives. Gottman discuss the four stages that happen before the end of a marriage (The couple see their marital problems as severe, Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own., The couple lead parallel lives, and Loneliness sets in). I highly recommend this third book also as it explains how to develop a healthy marriage.
strengthens their relationship by making them feel closer, encouraging compromise, or healing old wounds
-softened start-up: the ability to start talking about a complaint or a problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your partner
-Turning toward your partner: they reach out for emotional connection with either a smile, a comment, a question, or a hug
-repairing the conversation: effort to deescalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter such as an apology, a smile, or bit of humor that breaks the tension and helps you both feel more relaxed
-accepting influence
look for the longing in each other's complaints
you can ask questions like "what does spending time together in bed at the end of the day mena to you? Tell me why this is important. What would it mean for you to feel that I respect and support your work? Why is that important to you? What would it look like?" (19)
express and accept appreciations
perpetual issue: disagreement that will never go away. This can change if a couple's willingness to accept their differences and to improve their skills at solving problems. (24)
healthy complaining vs harmful complaining: partners can learn to express their needs in ways that are respectful, clear, specific, and immediate.
healthy complaining
-share responsibility for the problem
-describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion, or style
-focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a time
-focus on the present
-focus on partner's actions and how those actions make you feel
-pick a time to complain about the problem when partner can listen and respond
-tell partner about your needs and desires
healthy ways to respond to a complaint
-rephrase the complaint so the complainer knows you understand
-ask questions for a better understanding
-acknowledge the feeling behind your partner's complaint
-take responsibility for the problem
couple two
-say what you're feeling, what you need, even if it's difficult to handle
-listen and respond to each other's feelings and needs before you rush to reassure and before you try to solve problems
-recognize when you're stressed, and take steps to relax
-expect more, not less, from your marriage
-postpone problem solving until after you feel connected
Conflict-avoiding marriage
if both partners are comfortable side-stepping a disagreement, they can go for years simply by ignoring or minimizing their differences. Sometimes the issue is solved with time. Other conflicts never go away, but the couple finds happiness in their basic shared philosophy of marriage. The downfall is this type of couple doesn't get to know each other as well and feeling lonely in their relationship. A solution is for these couples to share their strong emotions and their needs with their partner. Keep your expectations for happiness in your marriage fairly high. If you and your spouse expect to feel fulfilled and satisfied with your relationship, you'll be more motivated to work toward that standard. (57)
a. what values do we share about the importance of our relationship?
b. what do we believe is a fair way for couples to settle their differences?
c. Can we identify other couples we both admire who have solved tough problems in their marriages? If so, what can we learn from their marriage?
Affairs are more likely to occur in a marriage if
-a partner is raised in a family where having an affair is considered normal
-a partner's personality values excitement and risk taking over marital stability
-your social environment who believe affairs are ok
-nature of your marriage for example feeling emotionally distant from their partner
Calm down to avoid flooding
1. note physical sensations the next time you and your partner experience conflict. do you feel tension in your jaw, forehead, neck, shoulders, or other parts of your body? does your breathing become faster or shallower? Are you finding it difficult to concentrate on what your partner is saying? Is your heart beating faster than normal? These feeling may be signs that you are flooding.
2. suggest taking a break when you're flooding
3. set a specific time to return to the issue that's causing the distress
4. during your break, do something you find soothing. Focus on your breathing, relaxing all your muscles.
5. avoid distressful thoughts about your partner during the break
6. once you're sure you feel calmer, get back together with your partner and talk about the conflict in a respectful, attentive way (65)
couple three
-take time for relaxation, exercise and romance
-reprioritize. make big lifestyle changes, not small ones (exercise, work boundaries, regular date nights outside of the house, healthy food plan, get medical advice, etc)
-stress creates emotional distance and hinders romance
A little Selfishness can help your marriage
How much stress have you had lately?
death of a spouse 100
divorce 73
marital separation 65
imprisonment 63
death of a close family member 63
major personal injury or illness 53
getting married 50
dismissal from work 47
marital reconcillation 45
retirement 45
major change in health of family member 44
pregnancy 40
sexual difficulties 39
gain of new family member (birth, adoption, elderly relative moving in) 39
major business readjustment 39
major change in financial state 38
death of a close friend 37
change to a different line of work 36
change in number of arguments with spouse 35
major mortgage 32
foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
major change in responsibilities at work 29
son or daughter leaving home 29
trouble with in-laws 29
outstanding personal achievement 28
spouse begins or stops work outside home 26
beginning or ending formal schooling 26
change in living conditions 25
revision of personal habits 24
trouble with boss 23
major change in work hours or conditions 20
change in residence 20
change in schools 20
major change in recreational activities 19
major change in church activities 19
major change in social activities 18
minor mortgage or loan 17
major change in sleeping habits 16
major change in number of family get-togethers 15
major change in eating habits 15
vacation 13
Christmas season 12
minor violation of the law 11
Tips for Goal Setting
-make your goals specific
-make your goals measurable
-think about the pros and cons of making healthy changes
-break big goals into little ones
-ask for support
-anticipate obstacles and have a backup plan
-make a daily plan and track your progress
-reward yourself for short-term and long-term success (91)
love maps
couples who maintain accurate and detailed love maps of each other's lives have happier marriages and better prepared to weather difficult life passages. Here are questions to update your love map:
-how has this event (change, transition, loss, stress) changed how you feel about your life?
-how has it changed the way you feel about your role in your extended family?
-How has it changed the way you feel about your job?
-How have your priorities changed since this event occurred?
-How has it changed your views regarding religion, spirituality, or God?
-How has it changed the way you think about the future?
-How has it changed the wya you think about serious illness or death?
-how has it changed your experience of time? are you more concerned or less about what might happen in the future? do you find you're paying more attention or less to things that are happening in the represent moment?
-how has it changed your relationship with your friends or relatives?
-how has it changed what you need for yourself?
-how has it changed your sense of security in the world?
-how has this affected your daily mood?
-what kind of support do you need from me as you enter this period of your life? (96)
Fourth couple
-say "what i want" rather than "what i don't want"
-resist the urge to respond with countercriticism, countercomplaints, or stating "what I want" in return
-instead, simply listen
-respond to criticism with the honest question, "what do you want?"
-express appreciation to each other for listening and responding
-take steps to nurture positive thoughts and feelings about each other
-respond to each other's statements of need with open-ended questions
-express appreciation to the spouse who has been listening
Antidotes to contempt is fondness and admiration
quiz on admiration in your marriage
1. i can easily list three things I most admire about my partner
2. when we are apart, i think fondly of my partner
3. i often find some way to tell my partner, "I love you."
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately
5. my partner really respects me
6. i feel loved and cared for in this relaitonship
7. i feel accepted and liked by my partner
8. my partner finds me sexy and attractive
9. my partner turns me on sexually
10. there is fire and passion in this relationship
11. romance is definitely still part of our relationship
12. i am really proud of my partner
13. my partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments
14. i can easily tell you why i married my partner
15. if i had it all to do over agian, i would marry the same person
16. we rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection
17. when i come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.
18. my partner appreciates the things i do in this marriage
19. my spouse generally likes my personality
20. our sex life is generally satisfying
three things I like about you. pick three of the attributes below that describe your partner and write about a specific situation:
loving, sensitive, brave, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, loyal, truthful, strong, energetic, sexy, decisive, creative, imaginative, fun, attractive, interesting, supportive, funny, considerate, affectionate, organized, resourceful, athletic, cheerful, coordinated, graceful, elegant, gracious, playful, caring, a great friend, exciting, thrifty, full of plans, shy, vulnerable, committed, involved, expressive, active, careful, reserved, adventurous, receptive, reliable, responsible, dependable, nurturing, warm, virile, kind, gentle, practical, lusty, witty, relaxed, beautiful, handsome, rich, calm, lively, a great partner, a great parent, assertive, protective, sweet, tender, powerful, flexible, understanding, silly
Nurturing Fondness in Your Relationship - a 7 Week Plan
Week 1
1. I genuinely like my partner
list the one characteristic you find most endearing and lovable. write about the time your partner showed this side best.
2. I can easily remember the joyful times in our marriage
Pick one joyful time and write a short description of it
3. I can easily remember romantic times in our marriage
Pick one such time and describe the details about that time. Do you remember the setting, the mood, the feelings you had?
4. i am physically attracted to my partner
Think of a physical attribute that pleases you. Spend some time fantasizing about this aspect of your partner
Week 2
1. I feel a genuine sense of "we" rather than just "i" in this marriage
think of one thing that you have in common with your partner. write about it or start a conversation with your partner about that issue.
2. we have some of the same general beliefs and values
Describe one belief or value that you share. Think about how it feels to know that you and your partner provide a united front.
3. my spouse is my best friend
what secrets have you and your spouse shared?
4. I can easily recall the time my spouse and I first met
write down the details you remember about your first romantic encounter with your spouse.
5. I get lots of support in this marriage
think of a time when you felt your spouse was really there for you
This book "Ten lessons to transform your marriage" was the second Gottman book that I read. It talked about the four horsemen and some other things from the previous book. But each lesson/chapter was a specific couple, their struggles and how his recommendations helped them. This is a good book if you want to visually see what a dysfunctional relationship looks like and how and why his methods help their situation.
The third Gottman book I've read is "the seven principles for making marriage work". Like the other two, it discuss the four horsemen and other things. The first three principles are how to strengthen your friendship. Gottman says to save your marriage or divorce proof your marriage a big key is your friendship and your relationship when you aren't arguing. A couple without the four horsemen may be pass the horsemen and to the point where they live parallel lives. Gottman discuss the four stages that happen before the end of a marriage (The couple see their marital problems as severe, Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own., The couple lead parallel lives, and Loneliness sets in). I highly recommend this third book also as it explains how to develop a healthy marriage.
strengthens their relationship by making them feel closer, encouraging compromise, or healing old wounds
-softened start-up: the ability to start talking about a complaint or a problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your partner
-Turning toward your partner: they reach out for emotional connection with either a smile, a comment, a question, or a hug
-repairing the conversation: effort to deescalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter such as an apology, a smile, or bit of humor that breaks the tension and helps you both feel more relaxed
-accepting influence
look for the longing in each other's complaints
you can ask questions like "what does spending time together in bed at the end of the day mena to you? Tell me why this is important. What would it mean for you to feel that I respect and support your work? Why is that important to you? What would it look like?" (19)
express and accept appreciations
perpetual issue: disagreement that will never go away. This can change if a couple's willingness to accept their differences and to improve their skills at solving problems. (24)
healthy complaining vs harmful complaining: partners can learn to express their needs in ways that are respectful, clear, specific, and immediate.
healthy complaining
-share responsibility for the problem
-describe the problem in terms of your perception, opinion, or style
-focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a time
-focus on the present
-focus on partner's actions and how those actions make you feel
-pick a time to complain about the problem when partner can listen and respond
-tell partner about your needs and desires
healthy ways to respond to a complaint
-rephrase the complaint so the complainer knows you understand
-ask questions for a better understanding
-acknowledge the feeling behind your partner's complaint
-take responsibility for the problem
couple two
-say what you're feeling, what you need, even if it's difficult to handle
-listen and respond to each other's feelings and needs before you rush to reassure and before you try to solve problems
-recognize when you're stressed, and take steps to relax
-expect more, not less, from your marriage
-postpone problem solving until after you feel connected
Conflict-avoiding marriage
if both partners are comfortable side-stepping a disagreement, they can go for years simply by ignoring or minimizing their differences. Sometimes the issue is solved with time. Other conflicts never go away, but the couple finds happiness in their basic shared philosophy of marriage. The downfall is this type of couple doesn't get to know each other as well and feeling lonely in their relationship. A solution is for these couples to share their strong emotions and their needs with their partner. Keep your expectations for happiness in your marriage fairly high. If you and your spouse expect to feel fulfilled and satisfied with your relationship, you'll be more motivated to work toward that standard. (57)
a. what values do we share about the importance of our relationship?
b. what do we believe is a fair way for couples to settle their differences?
c. Can we identify other couples we both admire who have solved tough problems in their marriages? If so, what can we learn from their marriage?
Affairs are more likely to occur in a marriage if
-a partner is raised in a family where having an affair is considered normal
-a partner's personality values excitement and risk taking over marital stability
-your social environment who believe affairs are ok
-nature of your marriage for example feeling emotionally distant from their partner
Calm down to avoid flooding
1. note physical sensations the next time you and your partner experience conflict. do you feel tension in your jaw, forehead, neck, shoulders, or other parts of your body? does your breathing become faster or shallower? Are you finding it difficult to concentrate on what your partner is saying? Is your heart beating faster than normal? These feeling may be signs that you are flooding.
2. suggest taking a break when you're flooding
3. set a specific time to return to the issue that's causing the distress
4. during your break, do something you find soothing. Focus on your breathing, relaxing all your muscles.
5. avoid distressful thoughts about your partner during the break
6. once you're sure you feel calmer, get back together with your partner and talk about the conflict in a respectful, attentive way (65)
couple three
-take time for relaxation, exercise and romance
-reprioritize. make big lifestyle changes, not small ones (exercise, work boundaries, regular date nights outside of the house, healthy food plan, get medical advice, etc)
-stress creates emotional distance and hinders romance
A little Selfishness can help your marriage
How much stress have you had lately?
death of a spouse 100
divorce 73
marital separation 65
imprisonment 63
death of a close family member 63
major personal injury or illness 53
getting married 50
dismissal from work 47
marital reconcillation 45
retirement 45
major change in health of family member 44
pregnancy 40
sexual difficulties 39
gain of new family member (birth, adoption, elderly relative moving in) 39
major business readjustment 39
major change in financial state 38
death of a close friend 37
change to a different line of work 36
change in number of arguments with spouse 35
major mortgage 32
foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
major change in responsibilities at work 29
son or daughter leaving home 29
trouble with in-laws 29
outstanding personal achievement 28
spouse begins or stops work outside home 26
beginning or ending formal schooling 26
change in living conditions 25
revision of personal habits 24
trouble with boss 23
major change in work hours or conditions 20
change in residence 20
change in schools 20
major change in recreational activities 19
major change in church activities 19
major change in social activities 18
minor mortgage or loan 17
major change in sleeping habits 16
major change in number of family get-togethers 15
major change in eating habits 15
vacation 13
Christmas season 12
minor violation of the law 11
Tips for Goal Setting
-make your goals specific
-make your goals measurable
-think about the pros and cons of making healthy changes
-break big goals into little ones
-ask for support
-anticipate obstacles and have a backup plan
-make a daily plan and track your progress
-reward yourself for short-term and long-term success (91)
love maps
couples who maintain accurate and detailed love maps of each other's lives have happier marriages and better prepared to weather difficult life passages. Here are questions to update your love map:
-how has this event (change, transition, loss, stress) changed how you feel about your life?
-how has it changed the way you feel about your role in your extended family?
-How has it changed the way you feel about your job?
-How have your priorities changed since this event occurred?
-How has it changed your views regarding religion, spirituality, or God?
-How has it changed the way you think about the future?
-How has it changed the wya you think about serious illness or death?
-how has it changed your experience of time? are you more concerned or less about what might happen in the future? do you find you're paying more attention or less to things that are happening in the represent moment?
-how has it changed your relationship with your friends or relatives?
-how has it changed what you need for yourself?
-how has it changed your sense of security in the world?
-how has this affected your daily mood?
-what kind of support do you need from me as you enter this period of your life? (96)
Fourth couple
-say "what i want" rather than "what i don't want"
-resist the urge to respond with countercriticism, countercomplaints, or stating "what I want" in return
-instead, simply listen
-respond to criticism with the honest question, "what do you want?"
-express appreciation to each other for listening and responding
-take steps to nurture positive thoughts and feelings about each other
-respond to each other's statements of need with open-ended questions
-express appreciation to the spouse who has been listening
Antidotes to contempt is fondness and admiration
quiz on admiration in your marriage
1. i can easily list three things I most admire about my partner
2. when we are apart, i think fondly of my partner
3. i often find some way to tell my partner, "I love you."
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately
5. my partner really respects me
6. i feel loved and cared for in this relaitonship
7. i feel accepted and liked by my partner
8. my partner finds me sexy and attractive
9. my partner turns me on sexually
10. there is fire and passion in this relationship
11. romance is definitely still part of our relationship
12. i am really proud of my partner
13. my partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments
14. i can easily tell you why i married my partner
15. if i had it all to do over agian, i would marry the same person
16. we rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection
17. when i come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.
18. my partner appreciates the things i do in this marriage
19. my spouse generally likes my personality
20. our sex life is generally satisfying
three things I like about you. pick three of the attributes below that describe your partner and write about a specific situation:
loving, sensitive, brave, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, loyal, truthful, strong, energetic, sexy, decisive, creative, imaginative, fun, attractive, interesting, supportive, funny, considerate, affectionate, organized, resourceful, athletic, cheerful, coordinated, graceful, elegant, gracious, playful, caring, a great friend, exciting, thrifty, full of plans, shy, vulnerable, committed, involved, expressive, active, careful, reserved, adventurous, receptive, reliable, responsible, dependable, nurturing, warm, virile, kind, gentle, practical, lusty, witty, relaxed, beautiful, handsome, rich, calm, lively, a great partner, a great parent, assertive, protective, sweet, tender, powerful, flexible, understanding, silly
Nurturing Fondness in Your Relationship - a 7 Week Plan
Week 1
1. I genuinely like my partner
list the one characteristic you find most endearing and lovable. write about the time your partner showed this side best.
2. I can easily remember the joyful times in our marriage
Pick one joyful time and write a short description of it
3. I can easily remember romantic times in our marriage
Pick one such time and describe the details about that time. Do you remember the setting, the mood, the feelings you had?
4. i am physically attracted to my partner
Think of a physical attribute that pleases you. Spend some time fantasizing about this aspect of your partner
Week 2
1. I feel a genuine sense of "we" rather than just "i" in this marriage
think of one thing that you have in common with your partner. write about it or start a conversation with your partner about that issue.
2. we have some of the same general beliefs and values
Describe one belief or value that you share. Think about how it feels to know that you and your partner provide a united front.
3. my spouse is my best friend
what secrets have you and your spouse shared?
4. I can easily recall the time my spouse and I first met
write down the details you remember about your first romantic encounter with your spouse.
5. I get lots of support in this marriage
think of a time when you felt your spouse was really there for you
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 23, 2013
I had a great deal of fun reading this one, primarily because it bolstered my long-held belief that I have the best marriage on Earth. Comparing my husband and I to the other couples in the book (and don't even pretend like you wouldn't be doing that, too), I felt comfortable and happy that we communicate, respect each other, and share the same goals and values in life. We went through some of these lists and had a grand old time just laughing at how horribly some of the questions were phrased and how happy we were that we couldn't even imagine answering some of the questions as "False." (Example: "I like my partner's personality.")
There are good lessons to be learned for anyone throughout this book, though; phrasing is the key, it seems. Rephrasing something to sound positive rather than negative appears to be the single-most effective way of communicating. For instance, turn "You never let me decide where we're going to eat!" into "I enjoy eating with you and I'd like to be more involved in that decision-making." I guess that would cut out the defensiveness. But this was played a bit much in the book. I wouldn't have been surprised to read a "rephrasing" for "You always eat the heads off of the children!" to "I like that we can enjoy dining together and I'd like to share the heads of the children with you next time we eat."
This book is hardly unique in its field. This just happened to be the one I was reading when I connected the phrasing of a complaint with its consequence.
The other thing I enjoyed was the Aikido principle and how it dealt with yielding a little power in order to gain some. So often we do look at situations with a win/lose sort of mentality when there's no shame in admitting your partner influences you. Chances are, he/she is influenced by you, too. Basically, the book is saying, "Man up and stop being so self-important and combative."
There are good lessons to be learned for anyone throughout this book, though; phrasing is the key, it seems. Rephrasing something to sound positive rather than negative appears to be the single-most effective way of communicating. For instance, turn "You never let me decide where we're going to eat!" into "I enjoy eating with you and I'd like to be more involved in that decision-making." I guess that would cut out the defensiveness. But this was played a bit much in the book. I wouldn't have been surprised to read a "rephrasing" for "You always eat the heads off of the children!" to "I like that we can enjoy dining together and I'd like to share the heads of the children with you next time we eat."
This book is hardly unique in its field. This just happened to be the one I was reading when I connected the phrasing of a complaint with its consequence.
The other thing I enjoyed was the Aikido principle and how it dealt with yielding a little power in order to gain some. So often we do look at situations with a win/lose sort of mentality when there's no shame in admitting your partner influences you. Chances are, he/she is influenced by you, too. Basically, the book is saying, "Man up and stop being so self-important and combative."
October 14, 2016
Note: I was a psych major who worked in a lab in college that observed couples arguing. I remember learning about the Gottmans and their therapeutic techniques (as described in this book). I was excited to read this to fulfill my psychology needs and dreams.
Though this book is labeled for marriage, I would say that most of the advice pertains to general empathy, listening, and communication skills between two people. I think that the advice given to couples can also be applied to communication with family, friends, and even coworkers when having issues. For example, validating the speaker's emotions by asking for clarification and for more detail. I think a lot of conversations in the workplace or at home can benefit from doing this. Another example is if you're arguing about something and seem to be at a standstill, you can ask for more information, such as "tell me why this is important to you" or "what are your feelings on this issue". This disarms the other person and opens up the heated argument to more of a conversation. This piece of advice seems to be generalizable to more than just a loved one. How about when you're arguing with a coworker about politics? I think this could be useful then as well.
Life is not easy and communicating one's feelings is extremely difficult, especially about tough topics with those you love the most. Though I can see how some could say that this book oversimplifies problems, I think the advice could still help people get the gist of how to begin to solve their problems. I don't think this book (or any book) could substitute any type of face-to-face counseling, but I would recommend this book for anyone having trouble with communicating feelings, in addition to married people/people in long-term, committed relationships.
Though this book is labeled for marriage, I would say that most of the advice pertains to general empathy, listening, and communication skills between two people. I think that the advice given to couples can also be applied to communication with family, friends, and even coworkers when having issues. For example, validating the speaker's emotions by asking for clarification and for more detail. I think a lot of conversations in the workplace or at home can benefit from doing this. Another example is if you're arguing about something and seem to be at a standstill, you can ask for more information, such as "tell me why this is important to you" or "what are your feelings on this issue". This disarms the other person and opens up the heated argument to more of a conversation. This piece of advice seems to be generalizable to more than just a loved one. How about when you're arguing with a coworker about politics? I think this could be useful then as well.
Life is not easy and communicating one's feelings is extremely difficult, especially about tough topics with those you love the most. Though I can see how some could say that this book oversimplifies problems, I think the advice could still help people get the gist of how to begin to solve their problems. I don't think this book (or any book) could substitute any type of face-to-face counseling, but I would recommend this book for anyone having trouble with communicating feelings, in addition to married people/people in long-term, committed relationships.
December 11, 2011
Part of a summary from Amazon, for reference:
“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:
*Criticism. Often, criticism appears as a complaint or episode of blaming that’s coupled with a global attack on your partner’s personality or character. Criticism frequently begins with “you always” or “you never.”
*Defensiveness. These are the counterattacks people use to defend their innocence or avoid taking responsibility for a problem. Defensiveness often takes the form of cross-complaining or whining.
*Contempt. This is criticism bolstered by hostility or disgust. Think of somebody rolling their eyes while you’re trying to tell them something important about yourself. Contempt often involves sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or belligerence.
*Stonewalling. This happens when listeners withdraw from the conversation, offering no physical or verbal cues that they’re affected by what they hear. Interacting with somebody who does this is “like talking to a stone wall.”
Our commentary also indicates the places where these couples make great strides—i.e., where they say or do something that strengthens the relationship by making them feel closer, encouraging compromise, or healing old wounds. Examples of such positive behaviors include
*Softened start-up. This is the ability to start talking about a complaint or a problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your partner. When one spouse does this, the other is more willing to listen, making compromise possible.
*Turning toward your partner. Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids”—that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug.
“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:
*Criticism. Often, criticism appears as a complaint or episode of blaming that’s coupled with a global attack on your partner’s personality or character. Criticism frequently begins with “you always” or “you never.”
*Defensiveness. These are the counterattacks people use to defend their innocence or avoid taking responsibility for a problem. Defensiveness often takes the form of cross-complaining or whining.
*Contempt. This is criticism bolstered by hostility or disgust. Think of somebody rolling their eyes while you’re trying to tell them something important about yourself. Contempt often involves sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or belligerence.
*Stonewalling. This happens when listeners withdraw from the conversation, offering no physical or verbal cues that they’re affected by what they hear. Interacting with somebody who does this is “like talking to a stone wall.”
Our commentary also indicates the places where these couples make great strides—i.e., where they say or do something that strengthens the relationship by making them feel closer, encouraging compromise, or healing old wounds. Examples of such positive behaviors include
*Softened start-up. This is the ability to start talking about a complaint or a problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your partner. When one spouse does this, the other is more willing to listen, making compromise possible.
*Turning toward your partner. Close relationships consist of a series of “emotional bids”—that is, your partner reaches out for emotional connection with a comment, a question, a smile, or a hug.
December 19, 2010
I listened to the audio edition, so I got a taste of the book but to really benefit you need to go through the exercises with your spouse. Rather than lessons or principles, this book goes through 10 common scenarios that marriage partners often encounter in their lives together. For example, one scenario is a husband who's so captivated by his work that his wife feels she's not spending enough time and energy on the family. Another scenario is a young married couple who's struggling to have more time for each other after having kids.
The experts examine real dialogue between the spouses, critique the dialogue, give some coaching, examine the dialogue after the coaching, and then present some exercises to help deal with this particular issue. It's wise advice that I think would help strengthen any married relationship. You can certainly read the whole book or just read the particular chapter that's most germane to your situation. One key point that the authors offer is that spouses in a good marriage behave like friends to each other when there's a disagreement. In bad marriages leading to divorce, there's a downward spiral of criticism, complaint, contempt, and then stonewalling.
The book's advice is geared to any married couple. I noted that several of the couples in the book are Christians. So I kept thinking that besides this useful advice, it would be helpful for the Christians to have some Christian counseling that ties in what the couples are struggling with in the light of Christian teaching on marriage.
The experts examine real dialogue between the spouses, critique the dialogue, give some coaching, examine the dialogue after the coaching, and then present some exercises to help deal with this particular issue. It's wise advice that I think would help strengthen any married relationship. You can certainly read the whole book or just read the particular chapter that's most germane to your situation. One key point that the authors offer is that spouses in a good marriage behave like friends to each other when there's a disagreement. In bad marriages leading to divorce, there's a downward spiral of criticism, complaint, contempt, and then stonewalling.
The book's advice is geared to any married couple. I noted that several of the couples in the book are Christians. So I kept thinking that besides this useful advice, it would be helpful for the Christians to have some Christian counseling that ties in what the couples are struggling with in the light of Christian teaching on marriage.
June 23, 2009
The main thrust of this book is to show the many different ways couples fail to communicate and how they might better communicate. This is done using very specific examples and detailing conversations—what was said, what shouldn’t have been said, what should have been said. The cases are perhaps too specific to the various couples included as case studies to make application easy for every reader. As an (almost academic) analysis of what works and what doesn’t, it was a good book, but as a marriage self-help guide, the analysis got to be a bit much. I’m also not precisely sure what the “Ten Lessons” were. It was more like “Ten Common Arguments That May Mess Up Your Marriage If You Don’t Communicate Correctly.” The workbook type exercises and quizzes were probably the most useful portion of the book. There’s useful advice here, but, it seems, a little too much wading required to snag it.
April 7, 2016
More like 4.5 stars. I would highly recommend this book. I learned so much about communication, not just from "telling," as most books do, but by listening to several arguments married couples have (verbatim), followed by them being counciled by the "love lab experts" on a better way, and then the couples making a reattempt. This is done many times throughout the book, so that by the end, you get pretty good at guessing what each marriage partner is saying/doing wrong in their arguments and how they could express their needs better. I got much better at communicating while listening to this book, and since I practiced the communication skills daily as I was learning, I think it will stick. Bonus is it magically somehow helped my husband to communicate better in return, even though he hadn't read it.
July 24, 2016
I absolutely adored this book. Each chapter introduced a different married couple with a different issue in their marriage. Lots of specifics, lots of great communication advice, and activities to do together with a spouse. One thing I especially liked was the section on perpetual conflicts - the conflicts rooted in different beliefs or personality traits that crop up again and again and can't really ever be resolved. There was fantastic advice about how to support each other's needs around these perpetual issues, address conflict productively, and build up the relationship so those problems aren't catastrophic.
As I read, I thought, "This is positive discipline, non-violent communication, circling, etc (all the things I like) addressed specifically at long-term, committed, romantic relationships.
As I read, I thought, "This is positive discipline, non-violent communication, circling, etc (all the things I like) addressed specifically at long-term, committed, romantic relationships.
January 12, 2010
The book was well-written and easy to read. The 10 lessons come in 10 case studies where details of the couples and their communication patterns were documented and subsequently corrected by the experts. Hence, for every couple 2 dialogues were presented; one that took place before they were counseled and one that happened after they heard the advice. Plenty of suggestions and explanations were given as to why certain behaviours and/or communication patterns could be harmful to the relationship. What I like about the book is that it is pragmatic and at the end of each chapter there are exercises that one can do to enhance the learning experience. These exercises provide the starting point for couples to dialogue and discover more about each other.
February 27, 2010
This book was sent to us by a friend who said it'd helped her in her marriage. I found nothing earth-shattering in this book in terms of content, but the writing was clear and put together well. The authors start each chapter by introducing a couple and dissecting a conversation between them. The authors counsel the couple based on that conversation, then have them do it again with new knowledge. The authors then analyze the resulting conversation, and follow up with the patients a year later to assess outcomes. Each chapter also comes with a set of exercises that can be done alone or with a partner. I'm glad I read this book, although I'm not sure I learned anything *new* per se. I do have a lot to think about.
July 5, 2008
Again, not a big self-help book fan. However, I heard about the author during a talk at work, and was fascinated by the scientific basis of his approach to healing relationships. For instance, he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples are going to succeed or fail. What's even more compelling is that he's identified the variable that allegedly determines whether the relationship succeeds/fails. Plus, the book has anecdotes about couples working through their problems, including transcripts of their conversations, and it's (sadly) hilarious how people talk to each other ("you idiotic dolt!"). It's very interesting so far.
September 7, 2010
Another great work by Gottman. This is a perfect companion to Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work, with real world examples of how those principles are applied. I found the actual conversations or real couples that were used as examples each of the ten lessons very compelling. Reading the initial conversations was like watching a tragic movie that you already knew the end to, while reading the follow up conversation where the same couples applied the principles taught in the book was a stark and positive contrast showing the power in applying the simple principles taught by Gottman.
September 27, 2010
I feel like adding books like this is some kind of confessional, but it's not. I just like refresher courses on basic principles and I'd heard of John Gottman and wanted to read something by him. I think I should have chosen one of his earlier works that was more principle based and less case study oriented. I've noticed my learning style really doesn't jive with the case study approach.
But besides that these were good, common-sense principles that can always use reinforcement. I was happy I read it. I definitely agreed that they chose scenarios that were common problems and could be extended easily to a lot of real-life situations.
But besides that these were good, common-sense principles that can always use reinforcement. I was happy I read it. I definitely agreed that they chose scenarios that were common problems and could be extended easily to a lot of real-life situations.
April 20, 2011
Who would have thought that a book with such a cheesy title would be so rich with the messiness of life? I found myself almost in tears at several of the chapters. Each chapter consists of a case study of a marriage in crisis and all of these people are flawed and capable of great growth. I wanted to throttle them half the time and hug them the other half. Sometimes the counselors labeled lots of comments as "intellectualizing," in a negative way. While that was certainly sometimes true, I didn't always agree with them. Then again, I am an intellectual.
September 1, 2016
I love Gottman's work, but I felt that if you'd read Seven Principles, there wasn't much new here. I guess if I was looking for help in a troubled marriage, this would be the more useful of the two books because it's very solution-oriented; mostly, though, I just like reading about his research and Seven Principles is more focused on that.
The case histories are interesting to read in their own right, but most of these couples didn't seem that troubled to me. I wonder how well these techniques would work for two people who REALLY weren't getting along.
The case histories are interesting to read in their own right, but most of these couples didn't seem that troubled to me. I wonder how well these techniques would work for two people who REALLY weren't getting along.
November 17, 2010
While it's not as lively as For Women Only, this was suggested by a family member who has done marriage counseling since it's based on academic research. From what I've read so far, the suggestions are easier said than done. Recognizing some of the subtle counter-criticism, etc. during an argument or conversation seems easier in a lab situation by trained professionals than by someone in the conversation themselves. I'm not too far into it, but that's my first observation.
Didn't finish...
Didn't finish...
April 10, 2015
Good Helps for Marriage
I found this book interesting to read because of the case studies but it was also a great resource to evaluate my marriage and see some areas where we struggle and how we can improve. I was definitely able to relate to some of the couples and enjoyed sharing what I was reading with my hubby. This is a good supplement to marriage as well as a help for couples who might want to improve their marriage but may not want to go to therapy.
I found this book interesting to read because of the case studies but it was also a great resource to evaluate my marriage and see some areas where we struggle and how we can improve. I was definitely able to relate to some of the couples and enjoyed sharing what I was reading with my hubby. This is a good supplement to marriage as well as a help for couples who might want to improve their marriage but may not want to go to therapy.
April 14, 2013
If you're in any kind of a serious relationship, you need this book. The Gottman's are simply the standard in relationship-oriented research and counseling today. This book has some very nice sections of dialogue from actual cases with their commentary alongside which is very nice for those who need concrete examples of communication.
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